* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Calendar Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Embed Maximize


Newbies, read these!

Character Creation
FAQs
Restrictions

Main Site
Portraits
Rules
Story Creation
Racial Crossbreeding
Magic

Contact
Tips and Tricks
IRC Chat
Measures Converter
Elven Aging Calculator
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 ... 7   Go Down
Print
Author Topic: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer  (Read 22478 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1536


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #30 on: August 02, 2009, 06:35:21 PM »

Ok then ... sorry its taken me a couple of days to get onto this for you since I said I'd take a look ... I've had various real life things on my plate ... unexpected visitors, family portraits, doctor appointments, allergic reactions, that sort of thing.

Anyway, you don't want to hear about that, you want a review done on your CD ... my comments/corrections/suggestions will be done in gold this time.



Name:Ohénmár Any chance of a surname here?

Gender:Female

Age:17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race:Elves/Human

Tribe:Ylfferhim/Eyelian

Occupation:Stablehand

Title:The Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height:1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight:1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color:Cyhalloi Snow

Eye Color:Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue Can you explain how her eyes appear deep blue at time? In the physical appearance bit would be a good place to explain that. If it is tied to her emotions instead of being simply a trick of the light or something, it would be good to include something about it in the personality section as well.

Physical Appearance:Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes. One aspect of being half human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half human, her ears are as pointed as any elf's. She is about one ped tall and one pygge in weight.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling, which are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are very strong. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs. Her warrior outfit, featured in my portrait is brown and silver with gold lines, skin tight armour. This last sounds confusing to me. I would suggest something like "Her warrior outfit is a skin tight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines." I think the 'featured in my portrait' distracts the reader from the story you are telling. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen many things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger Is this anger part of what make her eyes appear to be deep blue at times? If so, consider making that that link clear here. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse.She loves water and the rain. .Please take out this second period/full stop. A space before the start of that sentence would also be good. :D She prefers coldness to heat, because it makes her feel more awake. She likes night better than day, since night is cooler. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
   Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. I am curious as to why she feels like that. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything I think this is missing a word ... maybe 'outside' their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She is often surprised to find that some people really do know what they are talking about.
Your personality section reads well to me, apart from those few small little nickpicky issues I raised.

Strengths
Smart and Intelligent:She is very smart and learns quickly. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it. Sometimes, she will just sit down and think.

Excellent Swimmer:She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water.

Sword:It is a very good sword, given to her by her father.After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it.

Longbow:She has had only basic training with it. She knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. She intends to get proper training after she finds her father.

Loves Animals:She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats. you had a linebreak in there that I removed, please make sure you remove that linebreak when you come back to your CD, Ohenmar

Plays the flute:She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.

Weaknesses

Youth:Because she is young many look down on her. Either they want to take advantage of her, or give unnecessary, and annoying, help.

Hunting for her father:She is still looking for her father (see history)I would recommend removing the words in brackets ... people would go on and read your history. so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him.

Under estimates people:Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.This sometimes has gotten her into trouble.

Fear of Fire:She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. Consider including how this lack of a fire of a night impacts on her ... eg cold meals, no warmth on extremely cold nights etc

Often Lonely:Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have.

History: Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. The rest, as they say, was history. For 16 Please write out all of these small number (under 101) as words eg sixteen, fifteenth for example years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15Th capital t isn't needed there, change it for a small 't' birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.

She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword. He was, unofficially, her teacher. He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is the reason both that she loves animals, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.

A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.

She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings:A orb that shifts in color from green to blue. It's purpose is kept a secret. Actually, even she doesn't know what it is. She found it in the river one day while she was swimming. She found that it gives off light and heat when it's cold and dark, a great use when she is to afraid to make a fire. It actually was made by a mage and was lost in the river one day when he slipped and fell. It was carried downstream where Ohénmár found it. Maybe it was fate! I don't this orb will be suitable, Ohenmar. I'll have to talk to the other mods and mini mods about it and get back to you on it. She also has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings. It is completely cotton that is dyed blue, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.


Most of what I raised with you were minor issues, Ohenmar. I think it is easier to read if you have a space after your : symbols. It also makes it easier if you leave a blank line between paragraphs.

Thank you for your continued work and cooperation on this ... I'm confident we'll be giving you your much sought after approvals soon.

Either myself or a mod, mini mod or administrator will be back to you with a decision regarding the orb.

Dek
« Last Edit: August 02, 2009, 06:40:05 PM by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 79


Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #31 on: August 03, 2009, 08:43:16 AM »

Thank you! I made the changes. I didn't really know about the orb, but no one said anyhting, so I thought it was all right. Thanks, you are my first comment in a while. Yay!
« Last Edit: August 04, 2009, 02:34:24 AM by Ohénmár Celeste » Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
Mini-mod
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #32 on: August 03, 2009, 03:33:48 PM »

What is the purpose of the orb? What part does it play? Artifacts (items of magic) are not allowed, as they are nearly impossible to balance on a character.
Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 79


Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #33 on: August 04, 2009, 03:39:43 AM »

I guese it was a magical item so I got rid of it.
Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 79


Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #34 on: August 04, 2009, 12:24:49 PM »

Oh do people like my portrait? I edited the color of the frame myself.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2009, 12:27:14 PM by Ohénmár Celeste » Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
Mini-mod
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #35 on: August 04, 2009, 12:26:19 PM »

My problem is the elemental frames were/are specially made for mage characters.
Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
Adventurer
Admin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7034


Human, Remusian


« Reply #36 on: August 04, 2009, 12:45:59 PM »

That, and for approved characters, no?
Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 79


Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #37 on: August 05, 2009, 09:48:43 AM »

I wasn't trying to be bad, either way I'll remove it if it matters.
Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Eléyr Fásamár
Serenity's Embodiment
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2109


Elf ~ Kaýrrhem


« Reply #38 on: August 05, 2009, 10:26:52 AM »

~steps in, bowing head apologetically~

I can put a plain gold one on if you would prefer it that way..  I only seek to please. :)
Logged

Those who say only Insanity can bring true relaxation...
Have clearly never hired a Mindsmoother!

Eléyr's CD ~¤•¤~ Character Creation ~¤•¤~ Restrictions ~¤•¤~ CD Etiquette
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 79


Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #39 on: August 05, 2009, 10:34:57 AM »

No I like it very much.
Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
Mini-mod
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #40 on: August 05, 2009, 10:36:12 AM »

Just keep in mind, you may be confused for a mage at first glance. This can be confusing for story moderators.
Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 79


Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #41 on: August 05, 2009, 11:26:59 AM »

Ok. I'll just have to make it clear I'm not a mage. What do you think of my CD?
Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Valan Nonesuch
Collector of Lore
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 671


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #42 on: August 06, 2009, 06:19:24 AM »

Just out of curiosity, is the greater part of the CD meant to be coloured, or did you misplace a tag somewhere?

My only other question has to do with the appearance. You seem to have neglected the Eyelian half of your heritage beyond token references. I'd like to see you taking that into account a little more.
« Last Edit: August 06, 2009, 06:30:39 AM by Valan » Logged

Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling men!
Valan Nonesuch
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 79


Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #43 on: August 06, 2009, 08:51:23 AM »

Every colored part has been edited, because so much of it was edited there are two colors. I added a part in her personality about loving animals, which I should have done anyway, and said how it relates to Eyelians being beast tamers. I made it gold for you. :)
Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 79


Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #44 on: August 07, 2009, 04:54:24 AM »

Oh, I would also like to say I'll be gone for the weekend, starting later today,so I won't be able to edit my CD, but feel free to comment and I'll make the changes when I get back.
Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 ... 7   Go Up
Print
Jump to:  

Recent Posts
[February 10, 2022, 09:09:05 PM]

[February 10, 2022, 09:07:54 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:03:43 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:03:25 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:01:01 PM]

[February 12, 2021, 07:16:33 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:51 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:21 AM]

[October 05, 2020, 02:58:40 PM]

[March 19, 2020, 03:47:44 AM]
Members
Total Members: 2849
Latest: abigailjordan
Stats
Total Posts: 214569
Total Topics: 8052
Online Today: 27
Online Ever: 216
(November 30, 2006, 09:08:03 AM)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 28
Total: 28

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx