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Author Topic: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer  (Read 23026 times)
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Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #45 on: August 07, 2009, 09:55:32 AM »

Hey Ohenmar, I have some comments for you in this color.


Name:(space)Ohénmár Celeste

Gender:(space)Female

Age:(space)17 years, about 14 human years in appearance and knowledge This isn't quite correct according to the Elven Age Calc. For 14 human years, your half-elf would be 19. Or if you wish to keep your elf 17 years old, she would have the appearance/skills of a 13 year old.)

Race:(space)Elves/Human

Tribe:(space)Ylfferhim/Eyelian

Occupation:(space)Stablehand

Title:(space)The Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height:(space)1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight:(space)1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color:(space)Cyhalloi Snow

Eye Color:(space)Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue

Physical Appearance:(space)Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes, though tricks of the light make them apear blue sometimes. One aspect of being half human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half human, her ears are as pointed as any elf's. She is about one ped tall and one pygge in weight. Please be more specific when you are restating your height/weight. The difference between one ped and one ped, two fores is like the difference between 3'3" and 5'0". Same thing with the height. Please include the first two units from your more specific height/weight that you have written above.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling, which are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are very strong. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs. Her warrior outfit is skin tight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen many things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. If she is so young, how can she have already traveled so much? At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse.(space)She loves water and the rain. She prefers coldness to heat, because it makes her feel more awake. She likes night better than day, since night is cooler. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
(space)
   Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. Because she is smart, other people can seem stupid to her. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything outside their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She also loves animals, and they seem to love her back. This might be partly because the Eyelians, the tribe of her human mother, are known as beast tamers.

Strengths


Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it. Sometimes, she will just sit down and think.

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water.

Sword: It is a very good sword, given to her by her father.After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it.

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. She knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. She intends to get proper training after she finds her father.

Loves Animals: She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't
particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.

Weaknesses

Youth: Because she is young many look down on her. Either they want to take advantage of her, or give unnecessary, and annoying, help.

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken
up searching for him.

Under estimates people: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.This sometimes has gotten her into trouble.

Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have.

Please add much more detail to your S&W. Each one should be at least 3-4 complete, full sentences in length. You need to explain how each S&W affects her, and give specific examples of how this occurs.

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. The rest, as they say, was history. Please explain, in significant detail, how her parents come to love each other. It is very strange for a 6'6" elf from a reclusive tribe to fall in love with a 4'11" human. Also, the Eyelians do not live that close to the Ylfferhim, so you cannot simply say that her mother met him while searching for herbs one day. A more creative solution is needed here, and I am confident you can come up with it.  For sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.
(space)
   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword. The sword is not a common weapon to the Eyelians, so I don't see how she could meet such a man in her own village. He was, unofficially, her teacher. He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is the reason both that she loves animals, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
(space)
   A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs. This seems very strange for someone who is raised in a nature-loving culture. I think you need to provide some more concrete reasons for why an Eyelian would be scared of these outdoor things.
(space)
   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

You should also mention somewhere in her history which clan of the Eyelians she was raised in, since they each have different culutures.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings: She has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings, the clothes she isn't wearing, and her supplies. It is blue dyed cotton, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

Good work so far, and I wish you luck with this CD! grin
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #46 on: August 07, 2009, 10:39:38 AM »

"They found the Thaehelvil River and followed it north until they come to a fork. There, on a grassy hillside they began to build their new homes. "  (A quote from the Eyelian page.)

This is near Quallan forest, infact very close. http://santharia.com/maps/medium/santharia.htm

I also wondered where I could find info on the different clans of the tribe, it is not mentioned on their page. I will start working on the other changes. Thank you!  Rolling
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~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
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Morden Peshirgolz
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« Reply #47 on: August 07, 2009, 10:43:21 AM »

Oops! My elfie knowledge is a bit rusty sometimes, and I thought for some reason this tribe was farther north. :P But you are right, my apologies. azn

The clans are listed in the Eyelian entry under the People section, a couple of paragraphs into the section. Not a major point, but still something nice to keep in mind. :)
« Last Edit: August 07, 2009, 10:44:53 AM by Morden Peshirgolz » Logged

Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #48 on: August 07, 2009, 12:03:11 PM »

I changed it to the WIP posticon until the changes are integrated. Change to the "!" when the changes are made :)
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« Reply #49 on: August 11, 2009, 06:46:48 AM »

Hello! This is the first chance i had to get on the computer. Sorry I didn't do the changes earlier, but I was gone. Anyways, all new changes are in gold.
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #50 on: August 11, 2009, 04:10:12 PM »

Alrighty. Let's see what we have here. From what I can tell, we are really close to titlement for you, and I have a couple of comments to make a bit more of a reality.

Quote
Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles<comma> and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it.

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water, and sometimes she wishes she could breathe under water. Just not like a fish, fish are gross.

Sword: It is a very good sword, given to her by her father.(space)After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it. Some might say she is a natural. Perhaps give a brief example of comparison so we know more approximately what her skill level is?

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. She knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. She intends to get proper training after she finds her father.

Loves Animals: She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't<-format spacing particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats. How is this particularly a strength? How does this give her an advantage? Right now, this is just a personality trait and nothing more.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone. Your explanation is only a description of her personality and her preference, not her skill. Please give us an explanation of her skill with the flute.

Weaknesses

Youth: Because she is young<comma> many look down on her. Either they want to take advantage of her,<no comma> or give unnecessary, and annoying,<no comma> help. She sometimes wishes that they would just leave her alone. You are making quite the assumptions in this one, at least with how it is worded. You can say people 'generally' or 'may'. Keep it open for others to influence and don't let there be definitives (where you make up the minds of others before they have a chance to respond).

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken<-format spacing up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. How do you plan on incorporating this into a storyline? Will she turn down jobs because she is too busy hunting? How does/will this affect her in situations where others are with her?

Underestimates people: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.(space)This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults. Does she do this physically, or in terms of skill, as well?

Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. She also enjoys eating out, but usually can't afford it. When writing about her fear of fire, explain to me why, how it came to be, and how it affects her in everyday and special situations.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to write most of the time. You can write? If you can, you need to mention this in your strengths. Don't forget, if you can write, you can more than likely read. This will also need an explanation on how she learned such skills.


I would like these to be fixed up and worded to make them Strengths and Weaknesses. At this point, you are just giving us historical info, or personality descriptions for these. Take each section and think "How is this an advantage to her?" "How is this a disadvantage to her?" "How is this affected social situations?" "How does this affect her work/job?" Also, use the "Who, what, when, where, why, and how" system when and where you can for these. It will help to add explanations where you may have missed something.
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
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« Reply #51 on: August 13, 2009, 03:52:33 AM »

Ok I finished! I am glad to hear I am almost done. Please let me know if the changes look good. :)
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~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
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« Reply #52 on: August 13, 2009, 11:21:07 AM »

Oh btw I am making a Home Sweet Home description off site. If anyone would like to look at it so I could speed up the process I'd apreciate.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2009, 12:08:00 PM by Ohénmár Celeste » Logged

~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #53 on: August 13, 2009, 01:09:58 PM »

Ohénmár,

At the moment, your history section looks like a block of text. It would make it easier to read if it clearly broken up into paragraphs, with a blank line in between each paragraph.

The way that the History section reads currently is as follows:

Quote
History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. For sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.
   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword.While he lived in Chyllikis, he was originally from the Centoraurian tribe, and had traveled, until he finally settled in Chylikis. He was, unofficially, her teacher.[/color He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is part of the reason both that she loves animals so much, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
   A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place.
She didn't little bugs as much as she did bigger bugs, and bugs that could fly. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.
   She eventually
ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.


It would make it easier on people to read it if you were to do something like the following ...

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. For sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.

   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword.While he lived in Chyllikis, he was originally from the Centoraurian tribe, and had traveled, until he finally settled in Chylikis. He was, unofficially, her teacher.[/color He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is part of the reason both that she loves animals so much, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.

   A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place.
She didn't little bugs as much as she did bigger bugs, and bugs that could fly. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.

   She eventually
ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.


At the end of each paragraph, I just tapped the enter key again. This gave a bit of white space between the paragraphs, and I find it helps with the ease of reading CDs.

I think if you look back through the comments on your CD, you will find that a number of them have related to this. The Personality section on your CD needs the same thing to happen.

Doing that really makes it easier for the rest of us to read your CD, including future story mods and fellow players.

I should be by to give it a proper read over later on ... I'm just not in the right frame of mind for it at the moment.

Dek
« Last Edit: August 13, 2009, 01:11:04 PM by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #54 on: August 13, 2009, 01:13:26 PM »

Oh sorry! I did do it, but I've been copying it from my email. It must have gotten mixed up when I pasted it.
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« Reply #55 on: August 13, 2009, 04:59:35 PM »

Hi Ohénmár,

I am just going to go through your strengths and weaknesses for you and make suggestions on how you can improve them. These are important as they show the CD moderators and your future story moderators what Ohénmár is good at and what she is not good at. Together with her personality, they can show how she will react in certain situations. In addition, these help us to ensure your character is balanced and is not going to unbalance the game for others.

With each strength and weakness we need to see:
- How it impacts Ohénmár in her everyday life
- How much of an impact it is
- How it makes her better than/worse than the average person in the world of Caelereth.

Now we'll see how these can be used to improve your strengths and weaknesses.

Quote
Strengths
Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. She wants to learn more about the world and the people in it.

This reads as though it should be part of the personality section rather than strengths and weaknesses. How Smart? How Intelligent? When has she demonstrated this? How can her being smarter and more intelligent than others help her in her everyday life? Does it include reading and writing? If so, you might like to include it here.

Quote
Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. She loves the water, and sometimes she wishes she could breathe under water. Just not like a fish, fish are gross.

The last two sentences once again read as though they should be part of her personality section again. How is her being an excellent swimming going to impact on her everyday life? How has it helped her/others in the past? What does this allow her to do?

Quote
Sword: It is a very good sword, given to her by her father. After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it. She is as good as some people who have been training for much longer than her. Some might say she is a natural.

That first sentence in this one should be part of her history, or the weapons section. What kinds of things can she do with the sword that make her 'quite skilled' with it? In any case, you need to say how this helps. Some people have a 'Fighting Style' section on their CD, just under weapons. This explains how they use their weapons. At the age of 17, I find the sentence that says 'she's as good as some people who have been training for much longer than her' a bit of a stretch. Remember, you need to be clearly showing us how good she is with the sword.

Quote
Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. She knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. She intends to get proper training after she finds her father.

What do you mean by 'basic training' here? That isn't clear to me. That last sentence doesn't really need to be here either, I don't think. What about hunting for food? Does she use it for that? Does she shoot at targets for fun or is it in competitions for money or food?

Quote
Loves Animals: She loves animals, at least most animals. She doesn't like bugs, and even though she loves water, she doesn't particularly care for fish. She loves birds in the forest, and always feeds stray cats. She also makes quick friends with them, and they would be willing to help her, such as get down fruit from the top of the tree. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who were known as the beast tamers.

For the most part, this isn't really a strength. Once again, most of it would be more at home in her personality. The bit about them helping her with food is good, but the rest of it isn't really a strength from what I can see ...

Something like ...
Loves Animals: Her Eyelian heritage means that Ohénmár is able to befriend most animals with fur or feathers. Animals that she befriends in this way help her by getting food down from the top of trees. Sometimes animals warn Ohénmár when trouble is approaching by disappearing into the forest. As a stablehand, the ability to befriend and calm horses is a definite advantage.

might be better, although I'm sure it could be expressed better than my attempt there as well.

Quote
Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone. She doesn't play any prewritten songs, even though she could, but she preferes to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes.

Once again, this one is not really a strength at the moment, it once again really is part of her personality. If you reword it, it'll sound more like a strength. How is playing the flute impacting her everyday life? How much better is she at it than others? How does it help her? Answer those questions, and you will be making the strength, and your character, stronger.

Weaknesses

Quote
Youth: Because she is young, many look down on her. Often they want to take advantage of her or give unnecessary, and annoying help. She sometimes wishes that they would just leave her alone.

That last sentence is really personality rather than a weakness. How does her youth impact negatively on her? What can't she do as a youth that she'd like to be able to do? Answering those sorts of questions will improve this weakness for you, Ohénmár.

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Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. Because of this she often spends her time in town asking at the local taverns if anyone has seen him.

This is perhaps the best of the strengths and weaknesses so far, Ohénmár. Once again, make sure you are focusing on how it impacts on her, how much it impacts her and how it makes her worse off than the average person.

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Underestimates people: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults. Though she is more cautious when it comes to skill.

Another good weakness. I can see how this one impacts on her in her everyday life. I am unclear on that last sentence, however ... it needs some more words or to be reworded, I think.

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Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. This is from when she was trapped in a burning warehouse, and barely escaped. If there is a fire in a room, she will sit as far away from it as possible.

Another good one ... there is not much I can comment on with regards to this one, you've shown that it is a pretty big weakness for her, shown how it impacts on her life and how it disadvantages her when compared to others. Well done,

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Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to visit far to often.

This last one needs a bit more 'meat' on it, I feel to show us how it impacts negatively on her. That second sentence also needs to be reworked as it doesn't quite make sense to me at the moment.

Basically, Ohénmár, I am just asking you to clearly show us for each strength and weakness
- How it impacts her
- How much it impacts her
- How it makes her better or worse than others

I feel you've done that pretty well in some of the strengths and weaknesses, while in other ones, you could do some more work.

I hope this helps. Please ask if you have any questions or need anything clarified.
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Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
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Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #56 on: August 14, 2009, 04:34:31 AM »

Ok, I did it! :) I hope you don't mind, but I took most of what you suggested for "Loves Animals" and changed the wording. I hope you don't mind. I was also thinking maybe I should get rid of the blue and red coloring, because it's getting pretty confusing.
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~Understanding the world is understanding yourself~
                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Ohénmár Celeste
Fair-Haired Wanderer
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Half-Elf, Ylfferhim/ Eyelian


« Reply #57 on: August 16, 2009, 10:34:26 AM »

It's been a few days... *bump*
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                      •º•Ohénmár Celeste•º•
Valan Nonesuch
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #58 on: August 16, 2009, 10:38:10 AM »

Ohenmar, it is customary to make such notes in the "CDs in Waiting" topic, which you may find at the top of the Character Description forum. It is also helpful if you include a link back to your CD so that people who wish to help alleviate the lack of comments do not have to hunt around.
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #59 on: August 20, 2009, 03:46:49 PM »

Alrighty dear. Let's see how close we can get you with this one. I know we have been focusing on your Strengths and Weaknesses lately, but I am gonna look at the whole picture this time and see if we can't knock this one out in one go.

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Name: Ohénmár Celeste

Gender: Female

Age: 17 years, about 13 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race: Elves/Human

Tribe: Ylfferhim/Eyelian-Eagle Clan

Occupation: Stablehand

Title: The Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color: Cyhalloian Snow

Eye Color: Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue

Physical Appearance: Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes, though tricks of the light make them appear blue sometimes. One aspect of being half-human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half-human, her ears are as pointed as any of the elves. She is about one ped, two fores tall and one pygge, three hebs in weight.

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling and they are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are made of leather and are quite sturdy. <-What colour are her boots? She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of twigs.<-What colour is the bracelet itself? Is it made out of silver, copper, gold? Is it a chain or a solid band? Her warrior outfit is skin-tight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse.She loves water and the rain. She prefers coldness to heat, because it makes her feel more awake. She likes night better than day, since night is cooler. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
  
(no space)Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. Because she is smart, other people can seem stupid to her. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything outside their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She also loves animals, and they seem to love her back. This might be partly because the Eyelians, the tribe of her human mother, are known as beast tamers.

Personality looks good :)

Strengths


Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. When people tell her a fact<comma> she holds on to it and never forgets it. She can analyze a situation in a few seconds and make a decision on what to do about it in half that time. Half a second is really fast. I am not sure even the fastest decision makers can really go that fast unless it requires no mental capacity. 'She has a good memory, able to remember facts and faces. Also able to analyze the situation and hold her own when it comes to making decisions.'

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. This is a useful skill when she needs to get across a deep river, as long as the current isn't too strong. Since she doesn't mind getting wet, this mean she doesn't have to travel to a bridge. Balanced :)

Sword: It is a very good sword, with a good balance. After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it. She is as good as some people who are older than her. Some might say she is a natural, and she moves with grace when she trains. This seems to be one we are really struggling with. Perhaps reading some articles online about sword fighting will give you some insight on how to properly describe her skill level here. How long has she been training, and at what intensity? These two factors will help give you an even more precise idea of where to place her. At 17, she isn't going to be *that* good, especially when going against someone with longer and more intense training. Can she hold her own against a well trained soldier? Or does she have to pick her battles carefully as to not get in over her head?

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. This means she knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle(space)or for hunting, but she can hit a target about 25 fores (feet) away. At most<comma> it would be an emergency defense. 25 feet would be more around "7peds and 1fore" Fore=/=Feet.

Loves Animals: She can become quick friends with any animal with fur or feathers. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who are known as the beast tamers. Her little friends can help her by getting down fruit from the tops of trees, or warning her when danger is near with their calls of alarm. As a stablehand, it is much easier for her to care for horses because of her ability to calm and befriend them. Does she travel from city to city doing this? My concern with this "job", it is more of a "stable" job, as it doesn't travel well necessarily. Most cities or towns will have people already in those positions and it doesn't make it easy for you to go on adventures or explore the city, as you are stuck in one position or location for an indefinite amount of time.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.(space)When she plays<comma> it is always beautiful, and when she does play where people can hear, many say she is the best flutist they have ever heard. She doesn't play any prewritten songs, even though she could, but she preferes to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes. Sometimes a passing traveler will hear her and stop to listen. When she finishes her song<comma> they often exchange bits of news. I think you need to remember to keep things realistic with your age. You are basically "13" in skill and knowledge. How many 13 year olds are "the best you have ever heard". Remember your age and think of those that age as well around you.

Weaknesses

Youth: Because she is young, many look down on her. Often they want to take advantage of her or give unnecessary, and annoying help. These people don't take her seriously which makes it hard for her to get anything out of a conversation. It also means she is targeted by thieves, so she can never go out alone. Ok. This one is still bothering me. You are focusing on projecting other's thoughts and actions instead of your own. A lot of it is how things are worded, but is the one which I have been consistently unhappy with as a weaknesses, and I am not sure you are quite understanding or willing to understand what we are trying to explain to you here. You cannot dictate other's thoughts or actions, only your own. Here, you are doing their work for them, and ignoring your own
Example of how to minimally edit this properly
Because she is young, she feels many look down on her. She assumes they want to take advantage of her or give unnecessary, and annoying help.<-This as a whole doesn't realy make sense. They won't necessarily want to help her, but more along the lines of ignore her. She feels people don't take her seriously<comma> which makes it hard for her to get anything out of a conversation.<-Huh? What does being taken seriously have to do with conversation? It also means she is targeted by thieves, so she can never go out alone.<-Not necessarily. Each thief has their own type of targets, and just because someone is young, doesn't mean they are ideal. Often, if someone is young, they aren't worth robbing because they won't have enough money or belongs to make it worth the trouble.

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father<comma> so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken(space)up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. Because of this she often spends her time in town asking at the local taverns if anyone has seen him. Her whole life, including where she goes and how long she stays there, revolve around finding him. How does this work with her occupation? If she travels a lot, she doesn't have the time to ground herself in an occupation which requires solid residence. I am looking for consistency, all of your strengths and weaknesses can't stand alone, but they have to work together as a group and play off each other accordingly.

Underestimates people: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.(space)This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults.<-It is difficult to offend children Though she is more cautious when it comes to skill, such as with a sword.
I think, from what you have listed here, a better weakness for her would be "cocky". She doesn't underestimate people, she just thinks she is better. And especially since she is so young, inexperienced, and naive, "Cocky" is the better option to work with and explain.

Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. This is from when she was trapped in a burning warehouse, and barely escaped. If there is a fire in a room, she will sit as far away from it as possible. Already mentioned, but this is your best weakness, as it is properly backed with explanation which makes sense.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to visit. It doesn't help when she starts feeling sorry for herself, and sulks in a corner away from everyone else. This makes her seem anti-social, which only makes it harder for her to make new friends. An ok weakness. I would think adding an extra punch of "inexperienced in social situations" would really help make this complete.

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. Ohénmár's father saw her and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. For sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. She has few memories of her father's home in the forest, though he occasionally had come to visit Ohénmár and her mother. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her.
  
   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword.While he lived in Chyllikis, he was originally from the Centoraurian tribe, and had traveled, until he finally settled in Chylikis. He was, unofficially, her teacher.[/color He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. It is part of the reason both that she loves animals so much, and is afraid of fire to the point where she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
  
   A boy in town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawling on her bed. She eventually caught him in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours and her mother finally breaking up the fight, both were covered in bruises. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, more so the boy than her. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place.She didn't little bugs as much as she did bigger bugs, and bugs that could fly. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.
  
   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and watched from afar. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars.

This feels rushed and lacks...an authentic vibe. Details, from the heart. What were her parents names? How old were they? What did her father do? What did her mother do? Why did they not live together? She was born then suddenly 15. What was growing up like? What kind of things did she do for fun? Let us get to know your character through her history. It is ultimately the most important section in your CD. It gets to the heart of the character. No matter what you say in the above sections, the history will reveal the truth about a character. Use the "Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How" as thoroughly as you can in the history. Every aspect you enter in this section, answer the to the 5 Ws + How, and you will be surprised how much you can add to your history without worrying about the meticulous details.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it.

Belongings: She has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings, the clothes she isn't wearing, and her supplies. It is blue dyed cotton, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

Please do a thorough spellcheck, as I noticed a few issues. I really recommend spending some time reading a few completed CDs in the archives, especially a couple of sections. The Strengths and Weaknesses; and the History. They are your weak sections in this overall.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2009, 06:38:02 AM by Kalína Mërénwèn » Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
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