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Author Topic: Ohénmár / Ylfferhim/Eyelian / Horse Groomer  (Read 22481 times)
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #60 on: August 22, 2009, 09:13:02 AM »

Honestly, I don't know what to do for her ocupation. I had Jill of al trades up but I didn't like the way that sounded.  I was thinking stable hand as in she would get a job for maybe a month or something and search for clues to her father before moving on. If you can think of any jobs that would allow her to travel or fit her personality, I would apreciate it, or if there is a list somewhere....
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #61 on: August 22, 2009, 09:22:41 AM »

What is a blue collar drifter? Also what would be a good name for a women from the Eyelian tribe?
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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #62 on: August 22, 2009, 09:29:39 AM »

have you heard the term 'blue collar worker' before?

It is basically someone who does physical work for a living, as opposed to 'white collar worker' which is someone who does office work for a living. drifter just simply means you move from place to place ... so 'blue collar drifter' is essentially someone who goes from place to place doing outdoors work.

EDIT: If you look at this list, there is a list of male and female Eyelian names.

You may also find the Nomenclature from the Eyelian men Compendium entry to be of help.

« Last Edit: August 22, 2009, 09:36:01 AM by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #63 on: August 22, 2009, 09:50:53 AM »

Would that be a term that they would use in Santharia? (I honestly don't know.) Thanks for the links, they really helped.
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #64 on: August 22, 2009, 11:43:36 AM »

They are also called "drifters", or they are just manual labor jobs.
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« Reply #65 on: August 22, 2009, 01:33:05 PM »

Thanks, but drifter makes her sound lame. Is there any job she could have that deals with horses or other animals?
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« Reply #66 on: August 22, 2009, 02:06:06 PM »

At her age, probably a groomer. It doesn't require a steady job, and the materials are light to carry. Also, it is simple to learn.
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« Reply #67 on: August 22, 2009, 02:35:20 PM »

That's perfect! Thank you!
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #68 on: August 23, 2009, 07:18:12 AM »

I edited the mark up on my CD, there were some mistakes, though it still probably isn't perfect. I also added some more on the history.
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Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #69 on: August 26, 2009, 12:38:45 PM »

I added more to my history, take a look. I added details as to what her parents looked like, and some other things as well.
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Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #70 on: August 31, 2009, 10:54:42 AM »

I'm not exactly the most precise person when it comes to history, so my commentary there (in gold as with the rest) will be rather sparse, if extant.

Name: Ohénmár Celeste

Gender: Female

Age: 17 years, about 13 human years in appearance and knowledge

Race: Elves/Human

Tribe: Ylfferhim/Eyelian-Eagle clan

Occupation: Horse Groomer

Title: Fair-Haired Wanderer

Appearance

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 3 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 1 Od.

Hair Color: Cyhalloian Snow

Eye Color: Sognastheen Green, but sometimes they appear deep blue I wonder if we couldn't leave the second bit out altogether it's sort of unnecessary fluff here and it's redundant considering the explanation below.

Physical Appearance: Ohénmár is extremely graceful, and moves as smoothly as water. She is very slender, but also athletic. She has long white hair, with green eyes, though tricks of the light make them apear blue sometimes. One aspect of being half-human is that she looks less fragile than other elves, with a more muscular build. She has a small nose and determination in her eyes. Often she has a very serious expression, but when she smiles her whole face lights up. Even though she is half-human, her ears are as pointed as any of the elves. She is about one ped, two fores tall and one pygge, three hebs in weight. While I might be wrong, this last phrase seems just slightly tacked on and, once again, redundant. You also seem to neglect something important here. You mention that she's half human, but she is taking after the elven side of her parentage in terms of looks (Eyelians wouldn't be caught alive with hair that pale)

Clothing: Ohénmár has a formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress. How would a horse groomer procure such a a piece of clothing? Rather than just a solid color, it has various shades that fade together. She also has a loose pale peach shirt and long, tan pants that she wears when she is traveling. They are always dirty, no matter how often she washes them. Even so, they are very comfortable, so she wears them often. She normally wears sandals, because they are cool and light, but also has a pair of boots for when she needs them. They are glossy black leather and are quite sturdy. She has a blue sapphire on a bracelet woven out of silver stems.  Her warrior outfit is skin-tight armour, brown and silver in colour. It is highlighted with gold lines. She also has a dark red cloak for when it's cold, and, of course, to look cool. You're seem to have left a bit in from earlier revisions here, I thought you groomed horses, which begs the question as to where one would acquire silk and sapphire.

Personality: Ohénmár cares about the suffering of others, especially after seeing so much sadness. While wandering, she has seen things that filled her with a sense of righteous anger. At times she can be very quiet, just thinking or simply enjoying the world around her, but when with others loves to talk. She is very smart and likes to think about things. She likes to think of herself as creative. She is afraid of fire, ever since she was trapped in a burning warehouse.She loves water and the rain. She prefers coldness to heat, because it makes her feel more awake. She likes night better than day, since night is cooler. She likes both sunrises and sunsets, but she think sunrises are more special since she usually sleeps past dawn.
   
Her determination can sometimes be seen as stubbornness, but she doesn't care. She is brave and has a deep connection to nature, but she sometimes feels she is better than others. Because she is smart, other people can seem stupid to her. She is shocked at how children her age, whether elf or human, don't even seem to care about anything outside their own little world world. Normally though, she doesn't worry about this, and forgets about her loneliness when she gets a chance to really start talking and laughing with others. She also loves animals, and they seem to love her back. This might be partly because the Eyelians, the tribe of her human mother, are known as beast tamers. There's a lost of what seems to be stuttering here, and perhaps some contrariness you'll want to look into. You're listing things, which really puts a damper on the whole section.

Strengths


Smart and Intelligent: She is very smart and learns quickly. She is very good with puzzles and riddles, and enjoys the challenge. When people tell her a fact she holds on to it and never forgets it. She can analyze a situation in a few seconds and hold her own when it comes to making decisions.

Excellent Swimmer: She is an excellent swimmer after spending many long summer days swimming in the ocean and in the river. This is a useful skill when she needs to get across a deep river, as long as the current isn't too strong. Since she doesn't mind getting wet, this mean she doesn't have to travel to a bridge.

Sword: It is a very good sword, with a good balance. After long hours of practice, she is quite skilled at using it. She has been trained since she was about 13, and started really getting serious about it when she turned 15, but her training ended soon after because she ran away from her village. She does have to be careful about who she fights, but she doesn't fight very often. If she does, it is usualy against bandits who have no training whatsoever(SPACE) and don't expect a young girl to know how to use a sword. She has the potential to become very good.

Longbow: She has had only basic training with it. This means she knows how to care for it, and has an understanding of how it works. She would not use it in battle (SPACE)or for hunting, but she can hit a target about seven peds one fore away. At most it would be an emergency defense.

Loves Animals: She can become quick friends with any animal with fur or feathers. This has to do with her Eyelian heritage, who were known as the beast tamers. Her little friends can help her by getting down fruit from the tops of trees, or warning her when danger is near with their calls of alarm. As a horse groomer, it is much easier for her to care for horses because of her ability to calm and befirend them.

Plays the flute: She likes to play it under the moon when she is alone.When she plays it is always beautiful, and when she does play where people can hear, she often gets compliments. She doesn't play any prewritten songs, even though she could, but she preferes to improvise and play soft, slow melodies, or quick, uplifting tunes. Sometimes a passing traveler will hear her and stop to listen. When she finishes her song they often exchange bits of news.

You are an itinerant horse groom right? I'm not quite sure where one would learn the sword or the bow with that kind of background. It also seems too much for a 13 year-old to know both of these.
Weaknesses

Youth: Because she is young, she feels she is sometimes looked down on. Oftenshe feels people want to take advantage of her or even just ignore her. Some don't take her seriously which makes it hard for her to talk to people. It also means she is afraid of being targeted by thieves, so she never goes out alone at night.

Hunting for her father: She is still looking for her father, so she has no permanent home and much of her time is taken up searching for him. Because her father travels a lot, she learned after she started looking, it is hard to find him. Some would even say impossible, but she will never give up. Because of this she often spends her time in town asking at the local taverns if anyone has seen him. Her whole life, including where she goes and how long she stays there, revolve around finding him.

Cocky: Sometimes she underestimates people, and almost subconsciously thinks she is better than them.This sometimes has gotten her into trouble. This is usually in terms of intellect, and she has offended more than one person, usually adults. Though she is more cautious when it comes to skill, such as with a sword.

Fear of Fire: She dislikes fire, and will not have anything to do with it, even to make a fire at night. This means it is impossible for her to cook her own meals, so she has to buy it already cooked or eat things that don't need to be cooked at all. This is from when she was trapped in a burning warehouse, and barely escaped. If there is a fire in a room, she will sit as far away from it as possible.

Often Lonely: Because she is always on the move, she has few friends, and misses the long conversations she used to have. The few friends she does have she doesn't see very often, and she forgets to visit. It doesn't help when she starts feeling sorry for herself, and sulks in a corner away from everyone else. This makes her seem anti-social, which only makes it harder for her to make new friends. Sometimes she doesn't even bother to talk to people, just sits in a corner.

These seem to be... lax, in comparison to the veritable plethora of skills in the strength section. A little balance would be nice here.

History:   Her parents were of different races, her father an elf, her mother a human. They met when Ohénmár's mother, Crsinis Featherfriend Yourth, the village healer, went north to the Quallan forest, looking for different herbs. She was tall and proud, with a curved figure, and her eyes were a haunting blue. She had brown hair, highlited from many days out in the sun. Ohénmár's father, Háltelór Celeste, had deep green eyes, and was also tall, even for the Ylfferhim. He wore his hair in a braid, which was so white it was almost silver. Háltelór saw her in the forest and was curious. They became friends, and Ohénmár's mother would often go to the forest, to see him. They found they had much in common and eventually fell in love. About two years after they first met, they had Ohénmár. As Háltelór traveled a lot on business, it was decided Ohénmár would stay with Crisinis. And so, for sixteen years she lived with her mother among humans in Chylikis, in the Eagle clan. Her father traveled often as he was a merchant, so she didn't see him that often. She has few memories of Háltelór's home in the forest, though he occasionally came to visit Ohénmár and her mother. As she grew up she went exploring near her village and swam in the river, sometimes following it to the ocean. She climbed trees, found caves, and climbed over rocks. She didn't go alone, though. Often she went with other children from the village. One day, on her 15th birthday in fact, her father brought a present. It was a beautiful sword. "Thank you father!" She told him, giving him a big hug. He just smiled at her. You've just given a sword to a 10 year-old I believe. Sense this fails to make.
   
   She practiced with the sword and with her bow and arrow even more after that, determined to make him proud. A man in the village was skilled at using the sword.While he lived in Chyllikis, he was originally from the Centoraurian tribe, and had traveled, until he finally settled in Chylikis. He was, unofficially, her teacher, and he enjoyed her enthusiasm. After she got her very own sword, she became more serious and trained every day. He also taught her how to use a longbow, though only how to care for it and hit a target with decent accuracy. Ohénmár was very fond of him. Even so, being independent, she often went to practice alone. One day, there was a fire in the abandoned warehouse where she was practicing. She couldn't find a way out, but was saved by a cat that she followed out of the building. She could not find the cat after that, but suposed it was wild and was happier that way. Even so it is part of the reason that she loves animals so much. It is also the reason she is so afraid of fire that she won't make one, even on the coldest of nights.
   
   A boy from out of town pranked her for a while. He would catch and release bugs in her room, so she always had to find them or be stuck with them all night. Sometimes she didn't find them, and she would feel them crawl up on her bed, or buzzing around her head. Just when she would drift off to sleep, one would buzz in her ear waking her up. This made it hard to sleep, and she would go into another room. She did not tell her mom, as Ohénmár knew she would just say she should not be afriad of bugs. She eventually caught the boy in the act and demanded to know why he did it. "Because you're a freak," he told her, "You're not even human!" He laughed. Outraged, she slammed into him. After drawing attention from the neighbours her mother came and broke up the fight. Though, Ohénmár was proud to say, the boy was more beat up than she was. Ohénmár never saw him again. She disliked bugs very much after that, even though she never particularly liked them in the first place. Even though she doesn't like them though, she tries not to kill them unnecessarily. Fish also creeped her out, they were too much like bugs.
   
   She eventually ran away when she couldn't stand living with humans anymore, taking the sword her father had given to her. She attempted to find her father, but she had no idea where to find him. color=teal]She hadn't seen him since her birthday party where he gave her the sword. So she found occasional work in various villages, while looking for her father. At the same time she explored the many forests and cities, watching from afar. She has been searching for almost a year now, but stopped by her mother's house for her 17th birthday so she wouldn't celebrate alone. She currently has no permanent home, but rather sleeps under the stars. Horse groom? Where? Some mention of this would be nice, though I beg that you don't simply tack it on.

Weapons: She only carries weapons in self defense, or to fight for what she believes is right, if the time should ever come. She has a bow and arrows at which she is skilled at using, due to long practice hours. She also has a sword given to her by her father on one of his visits with a sapphire embedded in the hilt. It has leaves carved to look like they are winding around it. I've made this clear before, but repetition seems to be good sometimes, so. This is too much for a 13-year-old to have learned. Drop at least one of the weapons (preferably the sword), thanks.

Belongings: She has a flute she made herself and which she often plays under the moon. She has a a bag in which she carries food and her other belongings, the clothes she isn't wearing, and her supplies. It is blue dyed cotton, and has a shoulder strap so it is easy to carry.

[gold]It's... progressing. You need to balance out the strengths and weaknesses, which I've made suggestions about, and there seem to be bits which you've failed to prune. When you make changes like the ones you've made, it is sometimes prudent to actually rewrite certain sections, or review others to make sure you haven't left anything anachronistic around. You'll also want to go over this with a spell checker of some sort perhaps. I noted a few spelling errors as I went through.[/color]
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Valan Nonesuch
Ohénmár Celeste
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« Reply #71 on: September 01, 2009, 09:43:32 AM »

I was told previously to say how tall she was and how much she weighed.

Yes, she does look more elf-like, but I did say she was more muscular, I didn't ignore her human side.

Her dress and bracelet are from her parents, and while she is a groomer for a living, it doesn't mean she can't have nice things. It is really only a temporary thing for her. Also, regarding learning weapons whith "that background" it isn't like a big thing learning to groom a horse. I can do that in real life. Meaning: brushing them, washing them with water, getting out stones, ect. If there is some hard part to doing this that I am missing, let me know.

If I did drop the sword, could I increase her skill with the bow? That seems to take away several problems.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2009, 09:58:10 AM by Ohénmár Celeste » Logged

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Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #72 on: September 01, 2009, 12:27:00 PM »

Re: The weapons issue.

You have the relative skills and training of a thirteen year-old. The list of things a thirteen year-old can do does not tend to include extensive weapons training of any kind.

It's not that a horse groom is a particularly mentally intensive task, it is that the task does not afford one with much in the way of what could be called "free time". All those stones aren't going to remove themselves.

You'd have to spend real time to learn this, which you might not necessarily have. Remember, you're still part elf and that means time is... funny.
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« Reply #73 on: September 01, 2009, 12:59:44 PM »

Please be polite when you are responding to people who are trying to help you, Ohenmar.

I was told previously to say how tall she was and how much she weighed.

Yes you were, and that is not at odds with the comments of Valan. Valan's comments were that you shouldn't just put it on as an add on at the end ... you should integrate it better with what you already have there. See if you can find a place for those details in the description you have already written.l

Yes, she does look more elf-like, but I did say she was more muscular, I didn't ignore her human side.

That is a small change at best. The father's hair is fair, the mother's hair is dark (brown or black) yet her hair is white. I think the hair should be made darker.

Her dress and bracelet are from her parents, and while she is a groomer for a living, it doesn't mean she can't have nice things. It is really only a temporary thing for her.

If it is 'only a temporary thing for her' why do you have it as her occupation?

Indeed, she can have nice things ... I don't think anyone is saying that she can't, but would she be wearing those nice things while she is working? In Ohenmar's case, her occupation is 'Horse Groomer'. Or would she be wearing clothes more appropriate for that occupation? When would she have a chance to wear a 'formal, floor length, tight fitting blue silk dress'? Surely she wouldn't wear it while she is doing that work? So when does she wear those 'nice things'? Include something about it in the history.

If I did drop the sword, could I increase her skill with the bow? That seems to take away several problems.

Consider what Valan says here ... in addition you should be aware that fighting isn't a big factor in most of the stories that we have here in Santharia ... there are people who have not given their characters any kind of weapon skill or magic skill. By all means, increase her ability with the bow, but be aware that this isn't like a game of World of Warcraft or AD&D in which the focus is on fighting, fighting and more fighting.
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« Reply #74 on: September 01, 2009, 01:34:50 PM »

I am sorry, I did not mean to be rude.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2009, 01:35:16 PM by Ohénmár Celeste » Logged

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