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Author Topic: Keraste Susilnir, Psyrpent (eyes), Hired claw  (Read 5171 times)
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #15 on: August 08, 2009, 06:27:07 PM »

I think you are about ready to go for a first approval. I will give a more thorough look after work today :)
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Morden Peshirgolz
The Mystic Voice
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Dwarf, Susilgerim Clan


« Reply #16 on: August 09, 2009, 05:54:33 AM »

I think so too, and so I give you your First Approval! Very nice job on this one, I thoroughly enjoyed reading another creative, unique character from you. Great work! grin Thumb up
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #17 on: August 09, 2009, 06:05:35 AM »

Just off the top, I should mention you *love* your commas, perhaps a bit too much. You are adding more commas than you need to, thus creating some extra work for yourself. I will try and point out some instances and point out some alternative wordings to keep that comma count down. :)

Quote
In a split second, before the thief, her prey, passes under her perch, you see moonlight flash in your eye as pale, delicate pink as rose petals, before she leaps, dropping in a blur of thorny maw and claws onto her victim.

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Weight: Around one pygge and nine hebs.

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Speaking of which, her blood red maw with serried rows of curving teeth, surrounded by a long, pointed tongue glimpsed as she yawns lazily, is the only note of bright colour on her body.

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Strong, curved talons on fingers and toes pose a more eloquent threat than the most ostentatious sword or axe<period>, and Her slender, almost whip-like tail bears three short,<no comma sharp spikes<comma> that glint dully in the light as she restlessly flicks her tail around her ankles

Quote
You see similar on many guards, mercenaries and fighting professionals; rough black trousers, a little torn at the knees, and a cheap faded grey shirt, pale grey from too many nights of hard wear, with the sleeves rolled up and a couple of mismatched buttons.

These are only a few from the beginning. It is a pattern. When you do lists, you tend to add more commas than required. Throwing in a transitional word, or even rewording a section of the sentence can get rid of 1-3 commas for you and make a sentence or paragraph much easier to read and understand. Also, chopping these singular sentences into 2-3 separate sentences can help with the comma problem. You keep trying to say more in one big breath, when short little breaths are all which is needed.

This won't hold back an approval from me, but something for you to be aware of when you are writing. All those commas make the writing look cluttered and sloppy in appearance, even if the words are eloquently given. Try cleaning up a few and see what you think, you may even get carried away ^.~
« Last Edit: August 09, 2009, 06:05:50 AM by Kalína Mërénwèn » Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Keraste
Alabaster Dragon
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Psyrpent


« Reply #18 on: August 10, 2009, 03:57:14 AM »

Thanks Kalina - you're absolutely right, I tend to default into long, tangled sentences that need buckets of commas to keep them legible. I've been through tweaking as you suggested, and i think it looks a bit better. Thanks! grin

@Morden: Thankee, sir! Kiss
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #19 on: August 11, 2009, 08:36:58 AM »

Alrighty! Looks much better. Thank you, dear.

~Second Approval~

Go ahead and remove the color. We can get you on your way. :)
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Keraste
Alabaster Dragon
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Psyrpent


« Reply #20 on: August 12, 2009, 03:30:42 AM »

Thank you Kalina, and everyone who commented and helped me get approved. grin
all de-colourised, i think. :P
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2009, 11:27:30 AM »

Titled and Archived :)
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
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