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Ylaya
Temptress
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Posts: 883


Elf, Cor'hm


« on: September 29, 2009, 02:43:27 AM »

Name: Ylaya

Gender:
Female

Age: 70

Race: Elf

Tribe: Cor'hm

Occupation: Hired Assassin, Spy and/or Saboteur

Title:
Temptress

Character Portrait:


Overview:
Ylaya has and will always want to dominate those around her. As a member of the Cor'hm dark elves she is very attractive to say the least, decisive and manipulative. As an agent of foul craft she is often conniving, cruel and bitter. In a sense she lives to embarrass he rivals and any disrespect shown to her is taken incredibly seriously. Being still quite young and like all the Cor'hm shes sees herself as superior to all those around her, especially men.

Appearance:


Height: 2 Peds

Weight:
1 Pygge, 4 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 4 Ods, 10 Mut.

Eye Colour:
Fiery

Hair Colour:
White

Physical Appearance: Ylaya is very slender and her figure is almost perfect among her races standards. She is ultimately attractive to any man's eyes. Also, she has very pale skin, long pointed ears and dark intoxicating eyes. In comparison to her body, her arms and legs are quite long and her hands are very soft. Her back is also very straight and this gives her figure a sense of presence about it that cannot be ignored.

Clothing:
Ylaya dresses smartly and to make herself as alluring as possible. Her outfit is built for speed and elegance. It consists of a tight black and purple leather garment that goes around her neck and on each side of her chest. This garment folds around her upper body, revealing skin on parts of her arms and just below her neck. She has a lightly armoured breastplate which goes over this slim fitting garment. On her head she wears a head piece consisting of black metal pieces that spike a little upwards. This head piece allows her white hair flow out the back in a long tail. On her shoulders she wears some light plated armour. She wears lightly armour gauntlets, emphasizing her sleak figure and underneath long fingerless gloves which go up to near her shoulders. Her nails are painted dark, long and defined. Straps leading down her back hold her upper garment to her split black and purple silk skirt which is long at the sides and short in the middle. Below this skirt she wears a pair of tight black silk hose built for speed, but also to allure her enemies. She wears a pair of tight fitting ankle boots which are hard wearing. She often hides all of her sleak fitting attire under a cloak, but once familiar with people, she isn't shy in showing people how confident she can be.

Personality: Ylaya is not foolishly obsessed with money or fame. All she wants is to be respected and and feared if needs be. She will be treacherous, sinister and manipulative to any ends to be dominant over others and especially men. This is down to an in built inferiority complex that was instilled in her from training and men to her have always been disgusting beasts that need to behave or enslaved. She has always thought that without men the world would be a much cleaner place, but as they are here to stay she will take advantage of them and show that she is a superior woman.  

In reference to that superiority, she has always wants to be the dominant ruler and shes knows how to get what she wants. Whether that it involves being manipulative or ruthless, it makes no difference to her. In addition, she will alternate personalities to make it easier to approach others and can play the talkative, attractive princess very well. Though, it should be warned that those who fall for her false images, be prepared for all sorts of foul play when your usefulness has ended. However, it should be noted that she will endure other individuals if it suits her purpose, but friends are a disposble resource at the end of the day.

In reference to her job as a hired professional, she will often mix buissness and pleasure almost all the time and she will often engage in dance rituals or festivals to get who she wants. She sees such activities as not just a chance to show off, but also a chance to relax or get to know lovers or even future victims.

Strengths:


Attractive/Image: Ylaya will often use her physical charms as a lure in aid of manipulation or satisfaction. Many men often feel intoxicated by her very presence and this can give her an advantage immediately.  In the end these characteristics and skills help her carry out assassinations, covert operations and sabotage. Those who fall prey to her fatal attraction such as brave heroes have always ended up regretting that they ever gazed upon a Cor'hm Elf. Though, it should be noted not all men fall for her sex appeal.

Wicked Tongue: Ylaya has often saved herself trouble in the past through the art of persuasion and her ability to play the innocent character has meant she has gone under the radar of potential enemies. For instance, she can cry if she needs to look sad, look innocent in the face of someone more powerful and do whatever is necessary to win. Her kiss is also one of her deadliest charms and some men have been known to even cry out after such an event has occured. Even when captured, Ylaya has been known to turn the eyes of a warlord or barbarian and make him release her. She will also lie if it helps her to persuade someone. Also, although she may not seem like someone who thinks alot through when observing her actions, she is always looking for the better deal and the one with the most power. Her plans are often hidden from anyones view and her scheming is never ending. Manipulation to her can be anything from sexual to holding someone hostage, she can be very seductive when it suits her. If she finds someone she dislikes and wants to get rid of quickly she may just slip a snake in the bed at night. She can go to any lengths for that risk factor she seems to desire.

Speed/Excellent Form: Ylaya is not just a pretty devious face, she can move like lightning and can overcome opponents of brute strength by simply being one step ahead. She especially likes to get behind people when it comes to combat and will fly through the air by leaping or using acrobatics to do do. Ever since her training began she was fast and in many situations when facing heavy armoured warriors she would be out of their vision and on top of them within seconds. She would then either snap their neck or thrust something sharp in there. Her agility makes her a formidably opponent for a short period of time, after about 10 minutes her speed will gradually decrease.

Blade Skill: Behind Ylaya's pretty face and attractive wardrobe there is usually a dagger or two hidden from sight. From the moment she picked up some of her first short blades she began to make them flow like an artist's brush. She makes her curved jagged blades move like a painter's brush stroke. In combat she often will slice the legs of her opponent until the skin peels off. Combined with agility she can make assassinations an art form and the precision of her blade is often very good. However, still being young she has alot more to learn and sometimes she can get carried away and lose her footing. Her training was not entirely complete before she left her village, but it helps her complete her occupation to a very good standard. Though, whilst in combat Ylaya usually has to be close to her opponent to do the damage necassary and her dagger relie on being close to the enemy to be effective. If Ylaya is not close enough, her attacks may be stopped in there tracks.

Weaknesses:

Perfectionist: Ylaya will always have a problem with being beaten or outperformed either in love, conflict or perception. When unmistakably beaten she might lose her confidence or become even more ruthless. Yet few occasions have arrived where she has been beaten making her confidence a curse as much as it is a blessing. Failure may not be an option and this was instilled in her training to never take second best.

Lack of trust: Many elves and some humans will often see her as a dark elf, rather that an attractive individual and not give her much in the terms of time or trust. Others will see her for what she is undernearth and never believe a word that comes out of her mouth because many of the words are poision in more than one sense. She must remain hidden or be prepared for the consequences of entering another's space. Though, she does have a cloak which can be used on occassions for short periods of time.

Coor'hem language barrier
- Ylaya is from Nybelmar where the standard Santharian language is not spoken or taught. Thus, not knowing how to speak to most people is a major weakness for Ylaya, however she has a basic volcabularly taught to her by a captured prisoner. Ylaya realistically can only speak Styrash and has thus had communication problems with the commoner, unless she speaks with other elves. Though, she has yet to find an elf to share some time with since many have been hostile.

Individuality/Lack of Honour/Selfishness: She has always looked after herself and in many situations this could fail her. She may love someone for a while, but once they run out of usefulness she will just discard them into the wind. Furthermore, like a lover, she will usually side with both sides in a conflict and once victory is assured on one side the other will be abandoned. This allows her to make the choices and gives her a sense of control, however, it is a weakness because people will never side with her again once they know what she is like. Some would say in isolating herself she makes herself an easy target.

Overconfident: Her recent successes have made her very overconfident and she has not learnt much since she left home in reality. Her training has become more and more dilluted over the time she has spent around the average commoner. She has become partly obsessed with her own skills and has not yet been brought down to earth with the limits of her skill. This overconfidence has made her arrogant and sometimes self-obsessive.

History:

Ylaya at birth was a blessing to her family, she performed well in her first training years and became a good daughter to her privileged family.  She had the necessary qualities that made her accepted. She was beautiful, skilled with a blade and was starting to earn respect due her power over the opposite gender. Her village was quite large really and her father ran the village as leader. In the village she was known as the one who was to be admired, but respected and she was well informed, knowing everything about everyone.

During her training she learnt the art of assassination and how to use her blades to take an enemy down the quickest way possible. She was taught how to be stealthy and when to be silent. Her agility and speed were enhanced through the art of extreme assault courses which made her jump and leap to avoid projectiles and weapons. This speed was built upon and increased to make her fit for combat.  

Yet fighting and stealth were not all she excelled in and romance was a passion she indulged in from the beginning as soon as she was of age. In one instance she slept with another female drow's husband in her own village which was seen to her as fun and a risk. However, such men were never using her because it had been taught by her mother from birth that men must be conquered and that in any relationship or conflict the other sex should always be lesser to your own. To be toyed with or used at one's leisure. This was and is the Cor'hm way and Ylaya adopted such a regime in every relationship she went into.

She would toy with her lovers, often getting them into trouble and once even getting one almost killed. Though playing them off against each other was her favourite way to decide who best suited her. Slowly overtime the risks she was taking were getting ever more and more dangerous.    

Though, risks to her were part of her everyday life and she once stole some silver as part of a dare and was never punished for the crime, but only questioned about the incident. Some in her village were beginning to ask questions about her wanderings into other communities and she had many lovers, some without permission. Her harlotry was frowned upon by many but many feared her so did nothing but whisper in corners. However, one day she returned to the female drow's husband in her village for supposedly the fourth time, this was when she was discovered in the middle of the night.

Whilst in the act of extreme pleasure with the husband of a woman she knew and often met with she was pulled back by his mother-inlaw strangely who had been outside. Ylaya had no weapons with her, she was defenceless and vulnerable in her almost fully naked state. The wife of the husband had probably had a long conversation or something with her mother and she had decided to take action. The drow male jumped up in fright of being discovered and was stabbed by his mother-inlaw for such a disgusting betrayal of his marriage vows. He was not deserving of her daughter's marriage and payed the price in blood.  

He apparently got off easy and fell back into his bed surrounded by a pool of blood. This mother-inlaw was on a rampage and Ylaya would not escsape her wrath. For she was not so lucky as the husband she had been manipulating and the mother-inlaw grabbed her by the hair and pulled her outside half naked into the street. Many in the village came out to see what was going on and the mother-inlaw made an exhibition of Ylaya in front of the village. The rich, sneaky, pleasure seeking girl now learnt humiliation and the mother-inlaw strapped her to a tree in the village.

The dead husband's wife then emerged, happy that her unfaithful husband was now dead and she approached Ylaya who was weak, the ideal target. Many in the crowd around roared and now the recriminations came in verbal as the harlot was to get her comeuppance. However it was to be a private affiair. The mother-inlaw and the whole tribe left as the two women gazed upon each other. They looked at each other straight in the eyes and a psychological conflict began. There was not even a duel. Afterwards the old mother-inlaw returned with the tribe, Ylaya could not continue after such a disaster and cryed out as the other instilled her dominance and smiled. Ylaya had lost this battle and her reputation was lost. She felt disgusted with this loss, but never looked back.

As a final humiliation, the wife took Ylaya all throughout the village and displayed her as a trophy. People in the village mocked, spat and roared. Ylaya felt utterly humiliated and was most surely damaged mentally by the incident and not just physically. When faced with her father she begged for forgiveness but was cast aside and she ran away into the wilderness. She thought and something inside her called for the act of revenge. Before she left she decided to take her revenge and poisoned the mother-inlaw who had discovered her and her lover. After this murder she managed to drug the ex-wife and put her in the position she had been strapped to the same pole. She then indulged in revenge and reclaimed a sense of dominance. The body of the ex-wife was never found, however, everyone suspected that Ylaya had been the culprit of both murders.

For this crime she was sentenced to death, but she was never found and her father secretly covered alot of it up, but never forgave his daughter who had shown so much promise in the beginning to throw it all away by getting involved in such relationships and unnecessary risk taking. She had shamed the whole village...

Thus ended her time in her homeland and she left for pastures new. Her beauty was still divine and she had some very good skill with the blade. Things she learnt from her early youth never left her. She always knew never get caught in the act, to watch your back, to always be stronger than your competition and to get your own back quickly. Although, she learnt very little in terms of restraint and was still a slave to her pleasures. Basically, she had always wanted more for some reason and wanted to exercise her darkest passions in the wilderness away from her own tribe and race. She now had the chance to do so and her beauty manipulated the minds of many men who saw her beauty as perfection. Though again she played the same games, though this time avoided any insane wives or mothers.

She traveled the world joining the ranks of assassins, spys and mercenaries as she pursued her pleasures. She lives to take risks and has never spoken of her past and blocked it in her mind to some extent. In recent times, though, she has moved to Sarvonia in search of more 'opportunities' and so far her journey has been one of little hardship. However, she still wants the same things from before today, but now seeks a sense of power over all that she sees and she will never let anyone beat her again in such a manner.  

Weapons:Ylaya carries two long daggers with her at all times that slot into pouches on the right and the left sides of her boots and they are curved and jagged.  The daggers are used to murder, secure a hostage or gather information and they are the same ones she used when she was still in her village. They are of fine craft and very light.

Fighting Style: Ylaya is the kind of fight who will be sneaky and use her agility to tire out opponents by trying to make all their attacks miss. She will then get close with her blades or come from behind quietly and try to cause a wound to the leg or neck to immobilise an opponent. Her attacks are swift and accurate. She will try to prolong a battle for as long as possible and stabilise her lack of physical brute strength with good reactions and speed. However, engagements between two people is not how Ylaya will usually fight and she will assassinate or eliminate the opponent through surprise most of the time.

Belongings: Ylaya carries very little in the terms of 'belongings', however she does have some basic currency and a jewel given to her by one of her lovers, this jewel was nothing special, but it has a strange alluring glow to it that can not be ignored. A perfect tool for distraction or just a souvenir, no one knows where it came from.  In relation to food, she will often hunt or steal food from a party she joins to reduce the weight she carries. Yet, the food or parts of animals she selects to eat are often very particular and her choice has a formality about it. As for water, she has a small water skin under one of the skulls on her belt with which to store some water to be used in emergences, but usually she finds what she needs from the landscape or people within it.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2015, 05:01:32 AM by Ylaya » Logged

Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
Approved Character
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1536


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2009, 05:29:16 AM »

Hi Ylaya and welcome, comments/suggestions/corrections in this colour here. I must admit to a bit of stupidity at first on reading your CD ... 'Agent of Foul Craft' made me think I was going to be reading a sailor ... I quickly realised my mistake :D

Name: Ylaya

Gender: Female

Age: 47

Race: Elf

Tribe: Cor'hm

Occupation: Hired Assassin, Spy and/or Saboteur

Title: Temptress

Overview: Ylaya has and will always want to dominate those around her. As a member of the Cor'hm dark elves she is very attractive to say the least, decisive and manipulative. As an agent of foul craft she is often conniving, cruel and bitter. Still quite young and like all the Cor'hm shes sees herself as superior to all those around her and especially men.My suggestion would be to consider changing that last 'and' to a comma. It seems to flow slightly better to me.

Appearance:

Height: 2 Peds

Weight:  1.5 Pygges Please convert the decimal to the smaller units of weight measure. It is preferred that we don't use decimals in Santharia.

Eye Colour: Black

Hair Colour: Black

Physical Appearance: Ylaya is very slender and her figure is almost perfection would 'perfect' be better here? among her race's standards. She is ultimately attractive to any man's eyes. Also, she has very pale skin, long pointed ears and dark intoxicating eyes. Her ears in particular are a little longer than would usually be expected for her tribe. She also has black tattoos over her belly and arms and they look like pointed blades spread out in all directions over her skin.

Any chance of a bit mroe detail in your physical appearance? You've described her headin great detail, but give almost no clue as to the rest of her body.

Clothing: Ylaya is dressed for battle all of the time unless she is undressed or undercover. Her outfit consists of a tights leather garment that goes around her shoulders and neck. Apart from this garment around her neck and shoulders she wears very little between it and her waste. I think the word you are looking for here is waist not waste. Waist being a part of the body, waste being garbage that we throw out. The tattoos are clearly visible on her belly and she has a belt on her waste. Once again, I believe you mean 'waist' here. What colour is the belt? This belt incorporates a very long piece of cloth that runs between her legs and skulls are attached on the sides of the belt. The linen used between her legs is decorated with black and purple snake like images. Under her semi-skirt she wears a pair of tight black stockings that go from her feet to above her knees and they are tied to her waste on her belt. 'waist' again in this last sentence. These are covered by two boots fitted with armoured panels which are also attached to her belt over the stockings.

In addition to the above she has many arrow shaped blades in her hair that bunch some of her hair together. She also wears a leather crown around the front of her head with a small spike in the middle and she has earings. One is a ring shape and made from a silver and the other is another arrow blade that is attached with a thin chain.

Personality: Ylaya is not foolishly obsessed with money or fame. All she wants is to be respected and and feared if needs be. She will be treacherous, sinister and manipulative to any ends to be dominant over others and especially men. She wants to be superior and shes knows how to get what she wants. In addition, she will alternative either 'alternate' or 'use alternative' would help this sentence with its meaning, I believe. personalities to make it easier to approach others and can play the talkative, attractive princess very well. Though, it should be warned that those who fall for her false images, be prepared for all sorts of foul play when your usefulness has ended.

I would like to see you expand on this personality section, Ylaya. It seems rather on the short side to me. I've taken a quick look down at your strengths and weaknesses, and there seem to be some of them that could also be used in here. E.G. Manipulative/Decisive, Selfishness, Inferiority Complex, Jealousy, and Ruthless. Please consider expanding this section.

Strengths:

Attractive/Image: Ylaya will often use her physical charms as a lure in aid of manipulation or satisfaction. Many men will often feel intoxicated by her very presence and this can give her an advantage immediately. Others take persuasion and this comes to her naturally as if she had tamed men all her life. She can cry, look innocent and do whatever is necessary to win. Her kiss is also one of her deadliest charms and some men have been known to even cry out after such an event. In the end these characters 'characteristics' not characters, I think and skills help her carry out assassinations, covert operations and sabotage. Those who fall prey to her fatal attraction such as brave heroes have always ended up regretting that they ever gazed upon a Cor'hm Elf. 

Speed/Excellent Form: Ylaya is not just a pretty devious face, she can move like lightning and can overcome opponents of brute strength by simply being one step ahead. She especially likes to get behind people when it comes to combat and will fly through the air by leaping or acrobatics to do do.I think you are missing a word before acrobatics. Maybe you need 'using' in there. Ever since her training began she was fast and in many situations, when facing heavy armoured warriors, she would be out of their vision and on top of them within seconds. She would then either snap their neck or thrust something sharp in there. 

Manipulative/Decisive: Although she may not seem like someone who thinks alot through when observing her actions, she is always looking for the better deal and the one with the most power. Her plans are often hidden from anyone's view and her scheming is never ending. Manipulation to her can be anything from sexual to holding someone hostage. If she finds someone she dislikes and wants to get rid of quickly she may just slip a snake in the bed at night. She can go to any lengths for that risk factor she seems to desire. 

Blade Mastery: Behind Ylaya's pretty face and attractive wardrobe there is usually a dagger or two hidden from sight. From the moment she picked up some of her first short blades she began to make them flow like an artist's brush. She makes her curved jagged blades move like a painter's brush stroke and very few times will she fall short of perfection in her swings. In combat she often will slice the legs of her opponent until the skin peels off. Combined with agility she can make assassinations very quick and the precision of her blade is paramount.

Individuality/Lack of Honour/Selfishness: She has always looked after herself and in many situations this has saved her in the past. She may love someone for a while, but once they run out of usefulness, she will just discard them into the wind. Furthermore, like a lover, she will usually side with both sides in a conflict and once victory is assured on one side the other will be abandoned.
 
Weaknesses:

Inferiority complex: Ylaya always will have a problem with being beaten or outperformed in either in I'm not sure that both of the 2 'in' are needed or work here. I suggest removing one of them. love, conflict or perception. When unmistakably beaten she might lose her confidence or become even more ruthless. Yet few occasions have arrived where she has been beaten making her confidence a curse as much as it is a blessing. Failure may not be an option and this was instilled in her training.

Jealously: As already stated, she sees her image as the best and anyone who dares to match her or challenge her in conflict or especially love will be hated and despised. Competition is something she has no time for, unless she is the winner and if she loses, revenge will always be the option for her.

Looks are everything to her: Without her beauty she feels insecure and helpless. Without her image that she has built up she will lose confidence with her mastery of the blade and crossbow. Yet her image is the thing she will always protect and use against the enemy. It is one of her most powerful tools and is used, never abused, yet.

Ruthlessness:  May go to many lengths to reach her goals as already seen above and she does this without considering her safety. Still quite young she can be arrogant and does not take into account the impact of what she does on anyone else.

I always have trouble judging strengths and weaknesses for balance, Ylaya. I think you are pretty well balanced here, but I'm not sure. I'll get one of the other mods to look over it for you. In any case, a good set of strengths and weaknesses here, explained well. On reading further, you will need to include the crossbow and its poisoned bolts in the strength ... which will probably require an additional weakness to offset it.

History: Ylaya at birth was a blessing to her family, she performed well in her first training years and became a good daughter to her privileged family.  She had the necessary qualities that made her accepted. She was beautiful, skilled with a blade and was starting to earn respect due her power over the opposite gender. Her village was quite large really and her father ran the village as leader. In the village she was known as the one who was to be admired, but respected and she was well informed, knowing everything about everyone.

Romance was a passion she indulged in when she was of age and in one instance she slept with another female drow's husband in her own village which was seen to her as fun and a risk. Risks to her were part of her everyday life and she once stole some silver as part of a dare and was never punished for the crime, but only questioned about the incident. Some in her village were beginning to ask questions about her wanderings into other communities and she had many lovers, some without permission. When she returned to the female drow's husband in her village for supposedly the fourth time, this was when she was discovered in the middle of the night.

Whilst in the act of extreme pleasure with the husband of a woman she knew and often met with she was pulled back by his mother-inlaw strangely who had been outside. Ylaya had no weapons with her. The wife of the husband had probably had a long conversation or something with her mother and she had decided to take action. The drow male jumped up in fright of being discovered and was stabbed by his mother-inlaw for such a disgusting betrayal of his marriage vows. He was not deserving of her daughter's marriage.

He apparently got off easy and fell back into his bed surrounded by a pool of blood. This mother-inlaw was on a rampage. Ylaya was not so lucky as the husband she had been manipulating and the mother-inlaw grabbed her by the hair and pulled her outside half naked into the street. Many in the village came out to see what was going on and the mother-inlaw made an exhibition of Ylaya in front of the village. The rich, sneaky, pleasure seeking girl now learnt humiliation and the mother-inlaw strapped her to a tree in the village.

The dead husband's wife then emerged, happy that her unfaithful husband was now dead and she approached Ylaya who was weak and was an ideal target. The mother-in-law and the whole tribe left as the two women gazed upon each other. They looked at each other straight in the eyes and a psychological conflict began. There was not even a duel. Afterwards the old mother-inlaw returned with the tribe, Ylaya could not continue after such a disaster and cryed out as the other instilled her dominance and smiled. Ylaya had lost this battle and her reputation was lost. She felt disgusted with this loss, but never looked back.

As a final humiliation, the wife took Ylaya and threw her into a mud pool where she belonged because she was now dirt to her. When faced with her father she begged for forgiveness but was cast aside and she ran away into the wilderness. She thought and something inside her called for the act of revenge. Before she left she decided to take her revenge and poisoned the mother-inlaw who had discovered her and her lover. After this murder she managed to drug the ex-wife and but 'put' goes here, I think her in the position she had been strapped to the same pole. Assuming that the next two sentences are part of this paragraph, please remove this enter.
She then indulged in revenge and reclaimed a sense of dominance. The body of the ex-wife was never found, however, everyone suspected that Ylaya had been the culprit of both murders.

For this crime she was sentenced to death, but she was never found and her father secretly covered alot of it up, but never forgave his daughter who had so much promise.

Thus ended her time in her homeland and she left for pastures new. Her beauty was still divine and she had some very good skill with the blade. Things she learnt from her early youth were to never get caught in the act, watch your back and always be stronger than your competition or get your own back quickly. Although, she learnt very little in terms of restraint and was still a slave to her pleasures. Basically, she had always wanted more for some reason and wanted to exercise her darkest passions in the wilderness away from her own tribe and race. She now had the chance to do so and her beauty manipulated the minds of many men who saw her beauty as perfection.

She traveled the world joining the ranks of assassins, spys and mercenaries as she pursued her pleasures. She lives to take risks and has never spoken of her past and blocked it in her mind to some extent. She still wants the same things from before today, but now seeks a sense of power over all that she sees and she will never let anyone beat her again in such a manner.

I am not exactly clear as to why she especially wants to dominate men. Apart from that, and the few corrections I made, the history reads well to me.

Weapons: Ylaya carries two long daggers with her at all time that slot into pouches on the right and the left of her boots. These daggers are curved and jagged. These daggers are used to murder, secure a hostage or gather information. I would suggest either 1) combining these last two sentences or 2) starting that last sentence with something other than 'These daggers', as it seems a bit repititive to me. Also maybe consider starting the crossbow on a new line. She also has a single handed crossbow which was a gift from a human lover who became the first victim of it's use. It uses bolts tipped with the venomous poison of an unknown snake.

Belongings: Ylaya carries very little in the terms of 'belongings', however she does have some basic currency and a jewel given to her by one of her lovers, this jewel was nothing special, but it has a strange alluring glow to it that can not be ignored. A perfect tool for distraction or just a souvenir, no one knows where it came from.



Overall, I enjoyed your CD, Ylaya. I made a number of suggestions for you to consider and a few corrections as well. I'll get another CD Moderator to take a look at your CD's Strengths and Weaknesses to give you further advice on that.

I look forward to reading your updates ... and please ask if you have any questions.
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« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2009, 06:22:29 AM »

To add on to Dek's suggestion, particularly for the sake of the moderators who do have to decide whether or not your character is balanced, you may wish to include that "Knowledge and Training of a ___ year-old" in some fashion.

As a 47 year-old Coor'hem, you have the proportionate K&T of a 22 year-old-human. I personally feel that the level of skill you have described in blades there is a little on the high end for a 22 year-old. You'll either want to tone down the skill, or increase the age. Either one would be an effective fix.


Remember to integrate all suggestions and COLOUR all the changes you make.
« Last Edit: October 01, 2009, 06:22:55 AM by Valan Nonesuch » Logged

Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling men!
Valan Nonesuch
Ylaya
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« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2009, 03:30:58 AM »

Ok, the necessary changes have been made guys.
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Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2009, 07:56:32 PM »

Hello Ylala!

Oops, forgot to fix your age, as Valan mentioned. May I point you to the elven age calculator. As you can see, a 47 year old elf (elves live a long time) is about the same in skill level as a 22 year old human. You are far too young to have learned all those weapon skills. I suggest making yourself a bit older, say...70 to 80 elf years?

Age Calculator
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Ylaya
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« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2009, 08:43:47 PM »

Ok, changed, what next?
« Last Edit: October 03, 2009, 08:51:16 PM by Ylaya » Logged

Sylvia Palinor
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« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2009, 11:31:38 PM »

Ok, I will be commenting in blue, and, if need be, highlighting in red.

Name: Ylaya

Gender: Female

Age: 70

Race:
Elf

Tribe: Cor'hm

Occupation: Hired Assassin, Spy and/or Saboteur

Title: Temptress

Character Portrait:


Overview: Ylaya has and will always want to dominate those around her. As a member of the Cor'hm dark elves she is very attractive to say the least, decisive and manipulative. As an agent of foul craft she is often conniving, cruel and bitter. Still quite young and like all the Cor'hm shes sees herself as superior to all those around her, especially men.

Appearance:

Height: 2 Peds

Weight:  1 Pygge, 4 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 4 Ods, 10 Mut.

Eye Colour:
Black

Hair Colour:
Black

Physical Appearance: Ylaya is very slender and her figure is almost perfect among her races standards. She is ultimately attractive to any man's eyes. Also, she has very pale skin, long pointed ears and dark intoxicating eyes. Her ears in particular are a little longer than would usually be expected for her tribe. She also has black tattoos over her belly and arms and they look like pointed blades spread out in all directions over her skin. In comparison to her body, her arms and legs are quite long and her hands are very soft. Her back is also very straight and this gives her figure a sense of presence about it that cannot be ignored. This is a good appearance section, but might I suggest putting some more detail here? The more the better, because this section helps people picture your character more easily when you're RPing. You might want to give a more detailed description of the tattoos.

Clothing:
Ylaya is dressed for battle all of the time unless she is undressed or undercover. Her outfit consists of a tights leather garment that goes around her shoulders and neck. Apart from this garment around her neck and shoulders she wears very little between it and her waist. The tattoos are clearly visible on her belly and she has a belt on her waist. This belt incorporates a very long piece of cloth that runs between her legs and skulls are attached on the sides of the belt. The linen used between her legs is decorated with black and purple snake like images. Under her semi-skirt she wears a pair of tight black stockings that go from her feet to above her knees and they are tied to her waist on her belt. These are covered by two boots fitted with armoured panels which are also attached to her belt over the stockings. 

In addition to the above she has many arrow shaped blades in her hair that bunch some of her hair together. She also wears a leather crown around the front of her head with a small spike in the middle and she has earings. One is a ring shape and made from a silver and the other is another arrow blade that is attached with a thin chain. This is also very well-written. To me, it reads well, and is greatly descriptive. If you think you could add more, please, go right ahead. It is fine as it is, however.

Personality: Ylaya is not foolishly obsessed with money or fame. All she wants is to be respected and and feared if needs be. She will be treacherous, sinister and manipulative to any ends to be dominant over others and especially men. This is down to an in built inferiority complex that was instilled in her from training and men to her have always been disgusting beasts that need to behave or enslaved. She has always thought that without men the world would be a much cleaner place, but as they are here to stay she will take advantage of them and show that she is a superior woman.  

In reference to that superiority, she has always wants to be the dominant ruler and shes knows how to get what she wants. Whether that it involves being manipulative or ruthless, it makes no difference to her. In addition, she will alternate personalities to make it easier to approach others and can play the talkative, attractive princess very well. Though, it should be warned that those who fall for her false images, be prepared for all sorts of foul play when your usefulness has ended. Once again, nicely done. Though, you could use some more detail here. Your personality reflects how your character would act in every situation. Try giving some examples as to how your character would act, such as when she isn't on the job, and when she is, and when she is among friends(assuming she has any). You might also want to give her point of view on things such as music, religion, the other races, her morals, etc.

Strengths:

Attractive/Image: Ylaya will often use her physical charms as a lure in aid of manipulation or satisfaction. Many men will often feel intoxicated by her very presence and this can give her an advantage immediately. Others take persuasion and this comes to her naturally as if she had tamed men all her life. She can cry, look innocent and do whatever is necessary to win. Her kiss is also one of her deadliest charms and some men have been known to even cry out after such an event. In the end these characteristics and skills help her carry out assassinations, covert operations and sabotage. Those who fall prey to her fatal attraction such as brave heroes have always ended up regretting that they ever gazed upon a Cor'hm Elf.  I think persuasion would be a separate strength. You might want to put it under its own heading. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and to say that you can seduce almost all men would mean that every male in a story would be after you. That is RPing for other people's characters, and every male in a story may choose to not fall under her charm. This may be a problem. I do get where you're coming from though. Maybe change it to sex appeal?

Speed/Excellent Form: Ylaya is not just a pretty devious face, she can move like lightning and can overcome opponents of brute strength by simply being one step ahead. She especially likes to get behind people when it comes to combat and will fly through the air by leaping or using acrobatics to do do. Ever since her training began she was fast and in many situations when facing heavy armoured warriors she would be out of their vision and on top of them within seconds. She would then either snap their neck or thrust something sharp in there.  

Manipulative/Decisive: Although she may not seem like someone who thinks alot through when observing her actions, she is always looking for the better deal and the one with the most power. Her plans are often hidden from anyones view and her scheming is never ending. Manipulation to her can be anything from sexual to holding someone hostage, she can be very seductive when it suits her. If she finds someone she dislikes and wants to get rid of quickly she may just slip a snake in the bed at night. She can go to any lengths for that risk factor she seems to desire.  

Blade Skill:
Behind Ylaya's pretty face and attractive wardrobe there is usually a dagger or two hidden from sight. From the moment she picked up some of her first short blades she began to make them flow like an artist's brush. She makes her curved jagged blades move like a painter's brush stroke. In combat she often will slice the legs of her opponent until the skin peels off. Combined with agility she can make assassinations an art form and the precision of her blade is often very good. However, still being young she has alot more to learn and sometimes she can get carried away and lose her footing. Her training was not entirely complete before she left her village.


Individuality/Lack of Honour/Selfishness:
She has always looked after herself and in many situations this has saved her in the past. She may love someone for a while, but once they run out of usefulness she will just discard them into the wind. Furthermore, like a lover, she will usually side with both sides in a conflict and once victory is assured on one side the other will be abandoned.

Crossbow Knowledge and use of Poision Arrows:
Ylaya never really used the ranged weapons, apart from hunting in her childhood with a short bow and she was only given the single handed crossbow as a present by one of her lovers. It was light, quick and accurate. She could immediatly see the weapon as a key part of her strategy and trained with until she was effective at mid to long ranges. The adding of the poision was one element she saw as crucial due to the crossbow's difficultly to reload quickly, the poision applied made the single handed crossbow worth taking on missions.
 
 
Weaknesses:

Inferiority complex:
Ylaya will always have a problem with being beaten or outperformed either in love, conflict or perception. When unmistakably beaten she might lose her confidence or become even more ruthless. Yet few occasions have arrived where she has been beaten making her confidence a curse as much as it is a blessing. Failure may not be an option and this was instilled in her training.

Jealously: As already stated, she sees her image as the best and anyone who dares to match her or challenge her in conflict or especially love will be hated and despised. Competition is something she has no time for, unless she is the winner and if she loses, revenge will always be the option for her.

Looks are everything to her: Without her beauty she feels insecure and helpless. Without her image that she has built up she will lose confidence with her mastery of the blade and crossbow. Yet her image is the thing she will always protect and use against the enemy. It is one of her most powerful tools and is used, never abused, yet.

Ruthlessness:  May go to many lengths to reach her goals as already seen above and she does this without considering her safety. Still quite young she can be arrogant and not take into account the impact of what she does on anyone else.

Psychological issues: Although nothing has happened yet to give any hint of mental trauma, Ylaya may suddenly break out psychologically if she is put under extreme stress or challenged by someone who can match her ego. For instance, if she found the right man and he could overcome her, she might breakdown under this and even lose some of her nerve. Questioning herself could be her undoing.  This seems balanced to me, but you may be a bit too strong. Try adding a physical hinderance, and then there should be no speculation on whether or not you are balanced. Also, make sure you explain how her strengths aid her, and her weaknesses hinder her. I would suggest going back over these and making sure you have done so.

History: Ylaya at birth was a blessing to her family, she performed well in her first training years and became a good daughter to her privileged family.  She had the necessary qualities that made her accepted. She was beautiful, skilled with a blade and was starting to earn respect due her power over the opposite gender. Her village was quite large really and her father ran the village as leader. In the village she was known as the one who was to be admired, but respected and she was well informed, knowing everything about everyone.

Romance was a passion she indulged in when she was of age and in one instance she slept with another female drow's husband in her own village which was seen to her as fun and a risk. However, such men were never using her because it had been taught by her mother from birth that men must be conquered and that in any relationship or conflict the other sex should always be lesser to your own. To be toyed with or used at one's leisure. This was and is the Cor'hm way.  

Though, risks to her were part of her everyday life and she once stole some silver as part of a dare and was never punished for the crime, but only questioned about the incident. Some in her village were beginning to ask questions about her wanderings into other communities and she had many lovers, some without permission. When she returned to the female drow's husband in her village for supposedly the fourth time, this was when she was discovered in the middle of the night.

Whilst in the act of extreme pleasure with the husband of a woman she knew and often met with she was pulled back by his mother-inlaw strangely who had been outside. Ylaya had no weapons with her. The wife of the husband had probably had a long conversation or something with her mother and she had decided to take action. The drow male jumped up in fright of being discovered and was stabbed by his mother-inlaw for such a disgusting betrayal of his marriage vows. He was not deserving of her daughter's marriage.

He apparently got off easy and fell back into his bed surrounded by a pool of blood. This mother-inlaw was on a rampage. Ylaya was not so lucky as the husband she had been manipulating and the mother-inlaw grabbed her by the hair and pulled her outside half naked into the street. Many in the village came out to see what was going on and the mother-inlaw made an exhibition of Ylaya in front of the village. The rich, sneaky, pleasure seeking girl now learnt humiliation and the mother-inlaw strapped her to a tree in the village.

The dead husband's wife then emerged, happy that her unfaithful husband was now dead and she approached Ylaya who was weak and was an ideal target. The mother-inlaw and the whole tribe left as the two women gazed upon each other. They looked at each other straight in the eyes and a psychological conflict began. There was not even a duel. Afterwards the old mother-inlaw returned with the tribe, Ylaya could not continue after such a disaster and cryed out as the other instilled her dominance and smiled. Ylaya had lost this battle and her reputation was lost. She felt disgusted with this loss, but never looked back.

As a final humiliation, the wife took Ylaya all throughout the village and displayed her as a trophy. Ylaya felt humiliated and was most surely damaged mentally by the incident. When faced with her father she begged for forgiveness but was cast aside and she ran away into the wilderness. She thought and something inside her called for the act of revenge. Before she left she decided to take her revenge and poisoned the mother-inlaw who had discovered her and her lover. After this murder she managed to drug the ex-wife and put her in the position she had been strapped to the same pole. She then indulged in revenge and reclaimed a sense of dominance. The body of the ex-wife was never found, however, everyone suspected that Ylaya had been the culprit of both murders.

For this crime she was sentenced to death, but she was never found and her father secretly covered alot of it up, but never forgave his daughter who had so much promise.

Thus ended her time in her homeland and she left for pastures new. Her beauty was still divine and she had some very good skill with the blade. Things she learnt from her early youth were to never get caught in the act, watch your back and always be stronger than your competition or get your own back quickly. Although, she learnt very little in terms of restraint and was still a slave to her pleasures. Basically, she had always wanted more for some reason and wanted to exercise her darkest passions in the wilderness away from her own tribe and race. She now had the chance to do so and her beauty manipulated the minds of many men who saw her beauty as perfection.

She traveled the world joining the ranks of assassins, spys and mercenaries as she pursued her pleasures. She lives to take risks and has never spoken of her past and blocked it in her mind to some extent. She still wants the same things from before today, but now seeks a sense of power over all that she sees and she will never let anyone beat her again in such a manner.  This section appears fine to me. Though, keep in mind that almost all of the stories here take place in Sarvonia. Your elf is in Nybelmar. You might want to have her travel to Sarvonia, so that you have a reason to be in the stories. I enjoyed reading this section very much, and it was not at all dull, not that it's required to be exciting, but it was just enjoyable to read.

Weapons:
Ylaya carries two long daggers with her at all times that slot into pouches on the right and the left sides of her boots and they are curved and jagged.  The daggers are used to murder, secure a hostage or gather information and they are the same ones she used when she was still in her village. They are of fine craft and very light.  

The use of a single handed crossbow which was a gift from a human lover who became the first victim of it's use is also still in her possession. It uses bolts tipped with the venomous poison of an unknown snake. It is an accurate, fast and cheap weapon for her. Usually as a last resort. You might want to add some more description to these weapons, in terms of what they look like. You also might want to add something in the terms of a fighting style section here. It might help envision how she would, well, fight in RPing. Fighting, however happens rarely here.

Belongings:
Ylaya carries very little in the terms of 'belongings', however she does have some basic currency and a jewel given to her by one of her lovers, this jewel was nothing special, but it has a strange alluring glow to it that can not be ignored. A perfect tool for distraction or just a souvenir, no one knows where it came from.  You might want to add more here. How does she eat? Does she have food rations and/or cooking supplies with her? How does she get water? Does she have a water skin? I think this section needs more detail.

I very much enjoyed reading your CD. It is very creative, and well-written. You might want to go over your CD for grammar and puctuation mistakes, and do a bit of a spell-check, though I found little wrong in this aspect. Once again, I really enjoyed reading it, and I wish you luck on your road to approvals and titling. Thumb up  :)
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"Sympathy is a luxury I simply cannot afford, for in the death of others do I make my living."

Sylvia Palinor
Ylaya
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« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2009, 05:50:17 PM »

Oh  grin cheers mate, thanks for the comments! I made the proposed changes to it and it is alot better, good advice. Anyone else?   
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Rookie Brownbark
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Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2009, 05:05:17 AM »

Question mark is only to be used by mods to indicate that a specialist is needed - using it yourself only confuses us!

I also think you're very overpowered.  From the way your strengths are written it seems like as soon as you get in to a fight you'll immediately spring on your opponent and either hamstring or slit his throat within seconds.  I think a story mod would find this very hard to deal with!  I would make it clear that she'd have to be pretty darn lucky for this to be successful, and remind the reader that her weapons are short range - i.e. she doesn't have much reach - she *must* get up close to be successful.  This will show that she does have limits and will make the mods a lot happier.  I would also lessen her ability with the crossbow, make her able to miss.  Seriously, it's far more fun to play a character who makes mistakes than one who smoothly completes every task.  Most of your weaknesses seem unlikely to ever come up too - I'd change that and make her more likely to loose her nerve, more obsessed by beauty (a drink stain sends her wild?).  As well as making you more balanced unpredictability will really be much more fun to play - you can really confuse the other characters and constantly twist the way things are going.

Hope that helps and good luck with your speedy titlement,

Rookie x
« Last Edit: October 05, 2009, 05:17:59 AM by Rookie Brownbark » Logged

Ylaya
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« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2009, 05:25:14 AM »

Ok, I can change it a bit more, but one mod says it's balanced and then another mod says it is not, I can't understand when to change stuff and when not to. I thought she was balanced now? Obviously not..  Undecided

Who is going to approve my CD anyway?
« Last Edit: October 05, 2009, 05:26:04 AM by Ylaya » Logged

Sylvia Palinor
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« Reply #10 on: October 05, 2009, 05:29:17 AM »

Well, Rookie is higher than me, and has been around way longer. I would take her advice over mine, on most any aspect. Thanks! :)
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Sylvia Palinor
Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #11 on: October 05, 2009, 05:31:11 AM »

And remember that mods are people as well. We're not around all the time. Asking for approvals in the way you just have just might increase the amount of time you spend waiting, rather than hastening it. Sylvia also mentioned that it seemed balanced but might be a bit overpowered. The context of words is important after all.

« Last Edit: October 05, 2009, 05:37:12 AM by Valan Nonesuch » Logged

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Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2009, 05:34:39 AM »

Aww sorry Sylv, I read Dek's comments the other day saying he wasn't sure if it was balanced or not and had a moment of time now so I thought I'd help out. I missed your comments in my enthusiasm. Sorry!

And people with a yellow name and shiny plaque saying "CD Moderator" will be the ones to make the final decision - feel free to wait for one of them if you'd like Ylaya :).
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Ylaya
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« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2009, 05:36:16 AM »

Ok, I added another weakness, 'weapons - must be close to be effective' and reduced the crossbow and blade effectiveness. Is that enough or is more required to balance it? Sorry for being rude :(
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Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #14 on: October 05, 2009, 05:39:50 AM »

To further clarify, when I suggested you alter your age, I meant in order to balance the strengths you had then. Not that you could alter your age and add even more strengths. As is, your character is wildly unbalanced, and you should consider dropping at least one or two of the strengths you have now.

Strengths are meant to be balanced against an average person, likely some schmoe of a farmer out in the middle of nowhere with a field of potatoes. If you can use a knife, regardless of whether or not you need to close the distance to harm him with it, it's a strength and not a weakness you can count.

Strengths and Weaknesses being balanced is not a numeric value so much as it is a measure of how strong the strengths are compared to how debilitating a weakness is. Having no legs is a weakness. Not being able to kill someone at twenty paces isn't.


Valan Nonesuch
« Last Edit: October 05, 2009, 05:39:59 AM by Valan Nonesuch » Logged

Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling men!
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