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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Anirdulf Svanskjun/Avennorian/Wanderer  (Read 6965 times)
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Anirdulf Svanskjun
Helvíl Helvíliás
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Human, Avennorian


« Reply #15 on: January 30, 2010, 05:06:50 PM »

@ Movash - thanks for that, it'll come in handy

@Ridgen
- Title: I was browsing, and I looked up "Wanderer" and thought "That has a nice ring to it" It was originally going to be Embittered Wanderer.
- I think I've addressed the clothing issue now
- Cár'tuulénís'cór means "Night of Death". I say that when I first mention it, I'm sure. Fu commented on that, so I fixed it.
- Put the Veior into the Overview section. He is just a minor aristocrat I made up as an antagonist. Just a rich man like in feudal England who took a peasant house and killed him.
- Anirdulf has rejected all money (I've clarified this) and so would never sell his figures. He sometimes gives them to children or poor families, understanding that they need money, so that they can sell them.
- If you'd read the history you would understand Kjarskamm and Cár'tuulénís'cór. I explain both there.
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We are all eased out of kids' dreams -
Who can be ripped out of them and live loving after?
Anirdulf Svanskjun
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #16 on: January 30, 2010, 10:03:16 PM »

Hi Anirdulf and welcome to Santharia from me as well!

I've noticed just the one thing with your CD :)

You are still spelling your tribe incorrectly. It should be Avennorian and not Avennorinan. You have it spelled incorrectly in your Subject as well as throughout your CD. Please fix that up for me. At the moment, I can't see anything else to suggest to you to fix up. I think that once those Avennorians are fixed, I will be able to give you an approval. You don't need to colour where you write Avennorian, as that is only a minor spelling mistake. :)

Dek
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« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2010, 10:33:56 PM »

Good edits, Anirdulf.

One more minor thing I happened to notice: It's Ravenport, not Ravensport (no s).

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Anirdulf Svanskjun
Helvíl Helvíliás
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« Reply #18 on: January 31, 2010, 02:19:26 AM »

Fixed them both.

Hope I got them all.
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« Reply #19 on: January 31, 2010, 04:56:58 AM »

One last question. Where did he get the string and thread from?
« Last Edit: January 31, 2010, 04:57:20 AM by Ridgen Sú'ufanán » Logged

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Anirdulf Svanskjun
Helvíl Helvíliás
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« Reply #20 on: January 31, 2010, 04:59:42 AM »

Stole them along with the whale skin, I'd guess. I'll clarify that. (Glad to be doing something...)
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We are all eased out of kids' dreams -
Who can be ripped out of them and live loving after?
Anirdulf Svanskjun
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #21 on: January 31, 2010, 05:07:10 AM »

When I woke up this morning, I had another read through of your CD, Anirdulf, and something just jumped out at me. If you distrust all people, how are you going to be able to join a story? I just ask because each of the stories involve interacting with others, whether they are approved characters or npcs. It is not something that's going to toss you an approval, it is just something that you'll need to be mindful of when you apply to join stories.

I'm happy to give you your first approval, congratulations! Hopefully another CD Mod will be by soon to give you another approvial.

Great work on an interesting CD, and for working with Fu and others on improving it.!

Dek

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Anirdulf Svanskjun
Helvíl Helvíliás
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« Reply #22 on: January 31, 2010, 05:24:13 AM »

Dek,
I think you may have misread my CD. If the part you allude to is in the Weaknesses, then I refer to others distrusting him. The part in the personality refers to rich and powerful people, a symptom of the grudge he bears, and I have edited the end of the History section where I did imply he trusted absolutely no-one - that wasn't my intention.

In any case, I'm sure he can be woven in to stories. (But cities and rich people? Not very likely.) Perhaps during travelling people could find him? Or he them?

Just ideas. The mistrust is not (always) on his part.
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We are all eased out of kids' dreams -
Who can be ripped out of them and live loving after?
Anirdulf Svanskjun
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« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2010, 05:34:05 AM »

Actually, I was referring to the following from your personality:

Anirdulf's is a naturally kind personality and always eager to learn new things but he has become both bitter and cynical following Cár'tuulénís'cór, unwilling to trust people, especially those in power.

I ahve given you an approval, and I was just wanting you to keep that in mind, when it comes to your character. :)
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Anirdulf Svanskjun
Helvíl Helvíliás
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« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2010, 05:44:33 AM »

Oh sorry, I skipped straight over that! Like I said, I didn't intend absolutes in this, and that was just meant to mean that he found it hard to lower his barriers and fully trust - not that he distrusted everybody! I thought I had some hideous absolute in there that made him unplayable. I overreacted.Sorry!    Worship
« Last Edit: February 01, 2010, 06:05:11 AM by Anirdulf Svanskjun » Logged

We are all eased out of kids' dreams -
Who can be ripped out of them and live loving after?
Anirdulf Svanskjun
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« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2010, 06:18:07 AM »

History:
Anirdulf's father was Eir Garhild Svanskjun. Anirdulf was his only son <--- Put a comma here so that it doesn't seem like, "Anirdulf was his only son and his mother" It sounds wrong. I know your teacher told you not to put commas before ands, but this one's an exception. and his mother, Garhild's wife, had died in childbirth.

;)
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Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2010, 02:15:23 PM »

Since you've gotten that first approval, my comments will not be light ones, but they'll be nice and shiny, so gold is appropriate.
Name: Anirdulf Svanskjun

Gender: Male

Age: 14 winters This seems a little young. I've gone into more detail at the end of your strengths and weaknesses

Race: Human

Tribe:  Avennorian

Occupation: Wanderer/Part-time scribe

Title: Helvíl Helvíliás ("Wanderer of Wanderers")

Overview: After the brutal destruction of his home and killing of his father when he was aged only ten on the command of the local VeiorVeior, as with other titles, doesn't possess any actual power. It is a voluntarily obtained title with an equivalency to saying "Richguy". It's not a noble title in and of itself., Fjorkolm Kjarskamm, in a brutal night which he named Cár'tuulénís'cór,"Night of Death", Anirdulf has taken to wandering, bitter  that wealth let his father's killers act with impunity. He took the title Helvíl Helvíliás to signify that he has renounced all trapping of wealth and all cities. His ultimate goal is revenge on the man whose command condemned his father.

Height: One ped, one fore and eight nailsbreadths.

Weight: One pygge, two hebs

Hair: Short to mediumReally? Short to medium means anything from a shaved  head to chin length in my experience. Please don't skimp on details like this, though length really belongs down with the rest of the physical description. length Injohue hair covers Anirdulf's head. He sports no beard, but is slightly ragged around the chin with the first hairs of his puberty.

Eyes: Anirdulf has strange eyes - the left eye is Xazure blue, but his right is Sognastheen green, the both run through with streaks of Baveras' Eye.

Physical: Anirdulf is clearly Avennorian, with typical pale hair. His strange eyes sometimes seem as deep as the bottomless ocean of which they are so strikingly reminiscent, and he is shorter than most men, although nearly full-grown. However, since his family's fall from wealth and influence there has been a fair amount of interbreeding with the more Darian and Tharian lower classes, which has slightly corrupted his Glandorian looks to the extent that he has lost the distinctive ear-slits,For those us who don't know what Darian or Thairan(Tharian is the language) means in terms of looks, this is a poor fare indeed. Describe! Detail! Depict!  although the other characteristics are still strong in his face, marred only by a scar that vertically divides his left eyebrow, a relic of his Cár'tuulénís'cór, his "Night of Death". He is fairly muscular, with the rugged looks of the wanderer. Skipping the details again. You're fourteen, spend most of your time running around in the woods. I don't think you're so much muscular as "wiry". By no means scrawny, or made of noodles, but muscular is doubtful.

This section wants for more than what you've added. It really seems that you've merely hooked into your history rather than described your character. If you were to remove those bits that aren't history related, this would hardly be a half dozen lines I think. Quality before quantity, but having neither is not the way to go.


Clothing: Having outgrown the by any standards inadequate clothing he fled in, Anirdulf wears rough garments he has patched together, with needle and thread and hours of work, from begged, rejected, and "borrowed" pieces of whale skin. When a piece wears out, he puts another over it. This has resulted in a sort of patchwork quilt, with pieces of all shapes and sizes, too small for the markets or too thin. They are not luxurious or made for comfort, but they keep the wind off him and they are something to wrap himself in at night.
SPACE! Don't hurt folks' eyes with blocks of text. Break them up!
Over his breastbone is a piece approximately one palmspan across, with the hole of the killing harpoon directly in its centre, straight over his heart. He will never replace this piece except with an identical one.  His cloak and hood are made in like fashion, and the former completely conceals his cutlass, but his shoes are real leather, made by a cobbler in return for his working as a temporary scribe and account keeper for him.
You say that you clothing is whaleskin, but you hunt rabbits. What happens to the fur from those? It does get cold anywhere, and leather isn't one of the warmest textiles.

Personality: Anirdulf's is a naturally kind personality and always eager to learn new things but he has become both bitter and cynical following Cár'tuulénís'cór, unwilling to trust people, especially those in power. He harbours a large grudge against Veior Fjorcolm Kjarskamm, and by extension most of the wealthy Avennorian classes. However he is not so stupid as to rush in headlong assault upon his enemy, but rather bides his time, waiting for an opportune moment.
SPACE
 He understands the value and power of money, but his ability to be self-sufficient renders it less important than it might otherwise be. He believes also that the power of money corrupts, as evinced by his hatred of the wealthy class. His theory is that the desire for more money increases with the amount already possessed, and has renounced it entirely, as he believes that only thus will he be safe from the lure of it and so ready to confront his foe. He spends most of his free time in the evenings making figurines out of wood. The focused and delicate actions help him to forget his grief. He could make a fair bit of money by selling these, but he feels that this would be giving in to the power of money and would betray his father's memory

Strengths:
Self-Sufficiency - Anirdulf is almost completely self-sufficient - as noted, he makes his own clothes with rough sewing. This encompasses survival such as camps and related tasks - vital skills for the Helvíl Helvíliás. He never uses money, and on the one occasion he needed something he could not make or steal - his shoes - he traded his services as a scribe directly for this. Money has no hold over him. You mention you steal. That means you have to be able to steal something or else this makes not a wit of sense at all. That's another strength to add. Are we talking about pickpocketry? Burglary? Con artistry?

Wanderer - As a wanderer, Anirdulf is a reasonably proficient tracker, as well as being able to move undetected well enough to stalk his next meal. I'd like to see limits on this. You've come up short in terms of describing the benefit here. "reasonably" proficient by what standard? "Well enough" is another one. Either is open to a little bit too much interpretation. You mention later you can get within 20 peds (that'd be 20 meters) of a rabbit. Not an easy task I'm given to understand. Perhaps mentioning it another time wouldn't hurt.

Cutlass - He is also able to use his ancestral cutlass with reasonable proficiency, though he has never had formal instruction. Most bandits would rather run than fight someone who fights back, especially when they look like they haven't got a san to their name anyway. If someone with serious training were after HIM as opposed to any money he may or may not have, Anirdulf's only hope would be to run. So, just to be clear, you have some rudimentary grasp of "sharp end goes this way, and swing" but if anyone with two bits more of an idea what they were doing fought with you, you'd be gutted like the proverbial fish?



Educated - Anirdulf can read and write Tharian and speaks basic Styrásh.Basic how? What is his vocabulary like? This needs a little bit more detail.

Sling - Anirdulf has a sling which he uses to hunt. He can throw a stone hard enough to kill a large rabbit, but even to injure a person he would have to be very close or very lucky. He is accurate to about twenty peds (for rabbits - larger targets further)

Weaknesses:
Prejudiced -  Anirdulf has an unreasoning hatred of the wealthy, whose money he regards as the cause of the destruction of his home and murder of his father. This means he has an almost racist prejudice against the wealthy, irrespective of personal merit.  He also loathes cities, as he sees them as symbols of all he despises. This seems a little ambiguous. What is his definition of wealthy? Do you confine yourself to the nobility? Affluent merchants? A guard with money to spare? A well-to-do farmer? It's unclear. Anyone with more money than someone with no money is wealthier.

Self-Dependent - Anirdulf has no close friends and since he refuses to use money he is totally self-dependent - if he gets injured or attacked he has no-one to call on and no way of obtaining any aid, which can cause him some problems.

Poor Judgement and Mental Problems - His cynicism and bitterness affect his judgement, and he is also prone to bouts of depression and anger. You're coming up a little short for a weakness here. You have the "what" but not the "how" which is to say "how" it affects Anirdulf. You'll want to add to that.

Mistrust - Anirdulf's ragged clothes and weathered looks mean he is never really accepted by other people. The fact that he is a wanderer and his bitter disposition add to this basic distrust.

While it's not an unbalanced set of weaknesses, I have concerns over the age. Yes, you've had to get along on your own, but I'd bump your age there up to 16 or 17 perhaps. It fits a little bit better with what you have in a few other sections.

History:
Anirdulf's father was Eir Garhild Svanskjun. Anirdulf was his only son, and his mother, Garhild's wife, had died in childbirth.Anirdulf was born to the north of Ravenport, on the west coast of Manthria, south of the village of Kreeswind and near the edge of the Auturian Woods, wherein dwell the Tethinrhim Elves, and lived there for his entire childhood.

Though once an aristocratic house, the Svanskjuns had been reduced to the level of Skeirs by the time of Anirdulf's father's father, with the only relic of their noble past being an ancient cutlass, passed down from father to son for generation after generation. Garhild was literate, and extremely proud of the fact. He deemed reading and writing - another remnant of better times - to be of more worth than any other talent, and taught his son all he knew with love and care. Anirdulf, an eager child, was also taught a basic grasp of Styrásh by Lón'raín (literally "Forest Warrior"), a Tethinrhim border guard who was more than happy to teach such a willing student as Anirdulf.Why would you be close enough to the border? Where would you live to do this?

But, when the local Veiorsee the earlier note about the title. There might be more than one Veior in a community, though that is based on size more than anything else I wager., Fjorcolm Kjarskamm,  decided he wanted their plot of land for his own, they were driven out by mercenaries in the dead of night and Anirdulf watched his father slaughtered before his very eyes, as he hid in fear and terror. He escaped with nothing but his heirloom and his life, and fled, seeking to better himself and ultimately avenge his father. He stored the night and his anger and hurt in his heart, naming it in the fashion of the Elves "Cár'tuulénís'cór", or "Night of Death".

He returned later that night, and found his father lying amongst the ruins of his house. He knelt by his father's body for several hours, until the sun started to shine through and the sky was tinged with red. As the sun rose he saw men coming from the direction of Kjarskamm's house, and as he knelt there in the cold morning sun he vowed to avenge his father.

Then he left and he walked. He walked in the direction of the only living being left on earth who had been kind to him. He walked to find Lón'raín. He walked but when he reached the old outpost Lón'raín was gone and it was deserted. The elves had left, as though they had never been. He left, feeling betrayed even by Lón'raín, alone and friendless. He nearly froze to death that night, but the next night he camped in the shelter of a large white oak and the next he was warmer still. He walked further and with less effort each day, but moved in no particular direction, lost, without hearth or home, as he saw it deserted by everyone. As it happened, Lón'raín and the other elves returned to the outpost that very night, having been hunting for their week's provisions. He rejected cities, and was only truly happy away from them. Every rich man, every sign of wealth he saw, did not conjure images of luxury, but horrific visions of death. He never again attempted to make contact with the elves, believing quite irrationally and wrongly, as it turned out, that Lón'raín had betrayed him, and tarring all elves with the same brush.
I'm not quite sure what you're getting at here, except that he doesn't particularly like elves, which wasn't mentioned in your personality.
When his shoes fell apart about a month after that cold grim morn, Anirdulf ventured into the city for the first time since Cár'tuulénís'cór. He abjured the main streets of Ravenport, instead searching for a poor cobbler in the back alleys and twisting small streets. He found one at last, and in return for a pair of boots, sturdy and durable, agreed to work as clerk and accounts-keeper for however long it would take to make them. He did so, and the cobbler excelled himself, producing for Anirdulf's valuable work a pair of boots that have lasted him the four years since he completed his work there, and show few signs of wear. He ensured that he would be able to grow into them, and they can be adjusted by the means of side-straps.

Weapons:
Cutlass - Anirdulf is reasonably proficient with his ancestral cutlass, as it is a sword that can be used with little or no instruction. The need to defend himself in the wild has meant that he had to learn to use it or die - and while Veior Kjarskamm lives, Anirdulf is not ready to die.Describe the cutlass for us here perhaps. It's an heirloom of sorts, so it must have something unique to it.

Sling - Anirdulf usually hunts using a sling, which being nothing more than a strip of skin was relatively easy to fashion when faced with the choice "Make one or starve". He is no trained killer with it, but he can stalk to within twenty peds of an unwary rabbit and kill it from there. He doesn't, however, get enough force on it to even seriously injure a man..

Belongings:
He stole most of these, except the stone and the wood
Space
Staff carved from white oak. He cut this from the place he camped the second night after Cár'tuulénís'cór, and he has kept it ever since. It is seasoned and strong, and fairly even all the way down.
These
Needle and thread for repairing his clothes;
Out
Whale skin patches ditto;
Please!
Stone for sharpening cutlass;
I think
Whale skin cloth to keep cutlass dry;
you
Small knife - too small to use as a weapon, just a general tool;
get
Piece of wood, approximately a palmspan high and four nailsbreadths across the base, which he is carving into a figurine;
the idea
Five or six completed similar carvings, which he sometimes give to children, envying and delighting in their carefree innocence.

The greatest problem here is that you go into detail where you might not need it, and skim over other points. I'm not a great person for history, but it seems you've skimmed a little here and there as well. Sand the rough edges off and you'll be well on your way to a second approval. Pet
« Last Edit: February 02, 2010, 02:24:58 PM by Valan Nonesuch » Logged

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Anirdulf Svanskjun
Helvíl Helvíliás
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Human, Avennorian


« Reply #27 on: February 02, 2010, 04:36:16 PM »

Valan,

I'm doing a complete revamp on the History, which might take a couple of days. The rest of the CD I'll try to see to, but I thought I'd let you know I'm working on it.

Thanks for the comment!

Anirdulf
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« Reply #28 on: February 02, 2010, 04:40:56 PM »

With that in mind Anirdulf, I'm going to change your posticon to a pencil.
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Anirdulf Svanskjun
Helvíl Helvíliás
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« Reply #29 on: February 02, 2010, 04:46:13 PM »

Got it
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