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Author Topic: Ridgen Sú'ufanán/Cyhallrhim/Water Mage - Tailor  (Read 21337 times)
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Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #60 on: September 11, 2010, 10:12:40 PM »

You've put alot of work and dedication into this CD Ridgen. Your ability to stick to this despite all the work that us commenters had you do speaks volumes to your dedication.

I think for a first time magic CD, you have done an admirable job and you can only get better with each subsequent CD you make.

I therefore bestow a Second Approval!  Pet

Remove coloring and an Admin will be by to title you. Congrats!
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« Reply #61 on: September 12, 2010, 02:51:21 AM »

Thank you! The colour has been removed.
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"Everything is a game - some people just don't realise that."
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« Reply #62 on: September 14, 2010, 03:10:51 AM »

Titled and Archived.  Congrats. :)
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« Reply #63 on: January 04, 2011, 06:12:09 AM »

Ready for your edits, Ridgen!
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« Reply #64 on: January 13, 2011, 07:05:40 AM »

Edited and ready for comments! :)
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Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #65 on: January 13, 2011, 07:47:23 AM »

From your clothing section:

Quote
His feet are covered with shoes of a material slightly softer than leather - somewhere on the borderline of hard and soft.

I'd like a brief explanation of the material. Just an identification would do, really.

Here's something you could use for that from the clothing section of the entry on Cyhallrhim elves:

Quote
For the males a thick-fabric jerkin is worn over the close-fitting garments, and a second pair of gloves and long socks are not uncommon.

Also, that section is a pretty mean block of text, so I'd suggest you break it into two paragraphs. I would make the break whenever it starts describing his overcoat, because the section takes on a new subtopic.


Now onto the second paragraph of your personality section:

Quote
Well, that was the case. At least until he met Elric Frost. That changed everything - his perception of the world and his actual persona. Now he no longer hides behind a mask of happiness - his personality actually matches that. Ridgen became an optimistic person that is somehow unfazed by most things. A curious person that enjoys seeing others happy - as well as making others happy. Due to his past persona, he is an excellent observer - and he can often pinpoint the cause of an issue.

I'd like to see you take a look at that part of your history and draw on it more for this paragraph. I want to see more clearly how the Elric Frost and these changes relate, and I want a more complete exposition of those changes. You may even want to take two paragraphs for this instead of the one you have right now.

Now, on to your S's and W's. You look pretty balanced, and I have noticed some creativity present here. However, I take issue a bit with these weaknesses:

Quote
! Easy to Trust: Even though he is a fully grown elf, Ridgen still has the innocence of a child - therefore, it is easy to gain his trust. In certain circumstances, this would be a huge problem.

What are those certain circumstances? As of right now, I don't even know if this is an eligible weakness. It seems like a precarious idea that this would really affect him negatively, and I think you may want to get rid of it (but if you can convince me that it is an eligible weakness, and I won't be that hard to convince, then I'll be okay with it).

If I might offer a different weakness to supplant this one, which would be more of a weakness, I would say that you should talk about him having naivette. This would hit on that same note of him being innocent, and round things out nicely.

Now, the second (and thankfully for you the last) weakness that I took issue with was this one:

Quote
! Takes a while: It takes quite a while for Ridgen to complete some sort of task. He may lose more than a few clients this way.

It makes good sense that this would be a weakness, but I can't quite picture the reason. Could you explain why it is that he takes so long? Is he a bit scatterbrained, or sluggish?

Okay, that's it! Make these few minor changes and you'll have my approval. Which means I'll take this back into the approved CD's.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2011, 07:47:40 AM by Alexandre Scriabin » Logged

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« Reply #66 on: January 13, 2011, 02:44:56 PM »

Thanks for those comments, Alexandre! I'll be working on them now.
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« Reply #67 on: February 03, 2011, 02:23:57 PM »

Ok, up and ready for comments! (Finally :) )
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« Reply #68 on: February 05, 2011, 04:37:39 PM »

Hello Ridgen! I can only guess at the areas you upgraded since this was brought up for edits. Could you make a tiny list, so I know what to look at and what is already approved? If your 'Magic Section' was redone, I'll look into it after confirmation.

~Sincerely~ The Darkpriestess, Shen Caz'na
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« Reply #69 on: February 05, 2011, 06:59:52 PM »

Well Ridgen, things are looking good aside from this quibble I had in reference to the second paragraph of your personality section:

Quote
I'd like to see you take a look at that part of your history and draw on it more for this paragraph. I want to see more clearly how the Elric Frost and these changes relate, and I want a more complete exposition of those changes. You may even want to take two paragraphs for this instead of the one you have right now.
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« Reply #70 on: February 06, 2011, 04:06:09 AM »

@Alexandre: I'll be getting to it :)

@Shen: Well, actually, I reconstructed the entire CD from scratch when I brought it up for edits. Alexandre is fine with basically everything except for my magic and personality sections - maybe you would like to have a look at those, at a later time. Thanks, by the way :)
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"Everything is a game - some people just don't realise that."
                                                                       - Ridgen Sú'ufanán
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« Reply #71 on: February 06, 2011, 09:51:59 AM »

My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color teal!

When, Where and How: During Combat
During combat, Ridgen is most effective when people can actually hear his voice <-- How does his voice increase the effectiveness of his spells? The main thing that deals with the power of a mage is the strength of his will. You could for example, weaken the spiritual property of cold and make someone more inclined towards 'warm' feelings towards you while chatting but the actual speaking part has no magical connotations. - his voice being the key to his most powerful combinations. Sure, without using his voice,<-- As mentioned above, he would be as potent with his magic without using his voice as when he does use it. he can still knock people unconscious, but with it, he could do much, much, more.

A combination of spells used by Ridgen during combat is quite powerful when used correctly. With Lunatic Fervor in conjunction with Area of Frost, all that is needed then is a voice to heavily affect the target. To start with, the elf stalls the target - mostly through talking and dodging - while slowly, but steadily, he increases the level of influence of the chaotic property of water in the +Water Ounia present in the target, until it hits a point when a target begins to experience random hallucinations. If time is not on his side, he'll do this much more quickly.<-- Why hesitate? It would be far safer to get right down to it, as you are being attacked anyhow. After that, he taunts the target - riling it up, asking the target what it sees, and then telling it horrible things - which is almost certain to bring up even worse images in the hallucinations. All the while, he's making an area of cold around the target <-- sI spells stop as soon as you quit concentrating on them, or a few blinks there-after. It is also impossible to be casting another spell while you are concentrating on keeping another one active.- simply by bringing up +strengthening the property of coldness in the air around it. At this point, the elf may ask, in a rather nihilistic tone, whether the target could feel the cold seeping into his/her body. He tells they will either faint, or have their body shut down through the illusion. The effect of Lunatic Fervor also helps the process, and at this point, the target would either be knocked unconscious, or dead - effectively willing themselves into that state - unless it has a good amount of willpower - this sort of thing is rare in people, so the chances of people still standing after this are low. If the magician wishes to keep the target alive, he certainly wouldn't want to use this strategy. This entire last section is questionable, as you can not have more than one sI incantation going at any given time.

The area of cold in the strategy above could be replaced by water <-- Not sure what you mean by water here. Possibly you are thinking of the liquidness property of water? Even then the only thing you could accomplish in sI would be a hazy fog in the area, as the moisture would become pronounced in the target car'all. to create an effect that makes the target think it is drowning - either way, it's a horrible combination, and is used minimally.

A more subtle combination is to combine rage <-- Rage/Anger is a property of Fire. and quicksand to trap the target. It's quite simple, really. The elf quickly decreases the influence of the water properties in the Ounia in the target so that an 'angry' property <-- You do not choose what properties of the other elements become prominent, the three other elements become expressed equally, hence no strengthening of particular properties of the other elements. sets in and enrages the target - taunting the target further increases the effectiveness of the spell.<--You would have to taunt them whilst weakening the cold spiritual property just to start to get them mad. As they would be less 'cold' and more inclined towards anger. This leads to the target charging carelessly towards the elf - then he generates a quicksand <-- The moment you start this incantation the targets car'all would revert to its neutral state and the anger with it. a few peds away from himself, through increasing the property of fluidity in the ground below. The target, still running, would fall into the quicksand and the elf would release his focus, effectively trapping the target in the ground.

Yet another way - a very comical one, I must say - is to make the target run into a wall of ice. The target is enraged, taunted, and all that, and Ridgen casually reaches into the inner pockets lining his overcoat for an aquamarine stone. <-- Once again, when you start casting another incantation the sI influence you had is now gone. They would come to their senses within a couple blinks. Probably well within the time it takes you to cast yet another spell. The target runs towards the elf, then Ridgen throws the stone, a few peds in front of the charging target - which, along with Ridgen hastily bringing up the influence of coldness, creates a wall of solid ice - and the target's momentum propels it into the wall, knocking it out and bringing a few laughs, ouches, and all that sort of stuff.

Just so you know where my sI comments have come from.
Quote
Sphere One is the simplest of the Spheres, and is usually taught from levels 1 to 3.  It alters how strongly the properties of an Element is expressed in a car'áll.  This can be done with all properties, or with skill, only some, or even just one property.  As the influece of an Element is affected by how strongly its properties are being expressed in the car'áll, this can increase or decrease the overall influence of an Element in a target car'áll.  The main disadvantage of Sphere One is that its effects are temporary, ending once the caster stops focusing on them.  The other Spheres can create more persistent effects.
From Mina's Magic Guide.
Quote
Sphere I spells typically last as long as the caster continues focusing. Once the concentration is broken, willingly or otherwise, the cár'áll quickly returns to its natural state, causing the spell effect to end. Hence, the only limit to the duration is how long the caster can sustain the manipulation. Here, like other relaxing activities, the effects can often linger a bit longer.

Nonetheless, the spell effect is still temporary, since both the mind’s own attempt to rearrange itself and external stimuli (if the events that gave rise to the nervousness in the first place are still present) continue to influence the target.
This is from Coren's calm spell and is the main reason why I mentioned that some sI spells could linger for a few blinks.

Hope my comments have helped you get this straightened around Ridgen! heart
« Last Edit: February 07, 2011, 04:02:23 AM by Shen Caz'na » Logged

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« Reply #72 on: February 07, 2011, 04:03:48 AM »

Oh wow - I really got that wrong O.o

Oh well, I'll learn from this mistake, hopefully :P right, time for edits :)
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« Reply #73 on: May 18, 2011, 08:20:14 PM »

Hi Ridgen!

To make it easy for you to find your CD, I've gone and found it for you and brought it to the front page. I hope we can get you re approved and re archived rather quickly. However as you are an approved character, I believe that you should be able to join a story while waiting for your reapprovals, should you want to. :D

Welcome back!
« Last Edit: May 18, 2011, 08:23:40 PM by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

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« Reply #74 on: May 20, 2011, 06:46:58 PM »

Yes, give Dek and I a bump when you're done, because this should be fairly easy and your CD has been waiting in this forum for a little while. Not to mention that we have little else on our plates in the CD forum right now (as far as I can tell, only four CD's have been posted in this month).
« Last Edit: May 20, 2011, 06:47:50 PM by Alexandre Scriabin » Logged

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