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Author Topic: Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr/Remusian/Army Trainer(Ex-Soldier)  (Read 4986 times)
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Suahrd-fey-Whanno
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Human, Remusian


« on: March 15, 2010, 05:56:07 AM »

Name:  Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr  (Silver Sun)

Gender: Male

Age: 24

Race: Human

Tribe: Remusian

Occupation: Army Trainer

Title: Suahrd-fey-Whanno (Sword of Water)

Overview: A naturally talented youth, Athviaro joined the military, as all Remusian men must, at the age of 16. His talent was quickly recognised, and he became recognised as one of the, if not the, best swordsmen in Remusiat. He was promoted through the ranks quickly, and by the age of 20 had reached the heady heights of Dragguer, when the blade of an orc nearly severed his spinal cord, completely paralysing him from the hips downwards.

Height: One nailsbreadth under one ped, two fores and a palmspan.

Weight: One pygge, seven hebs, one hafeb and two ods.

Hair: Black, but greying around the temples.

Eyes: Deep and grey, Athviaro's eyes seem to draw your gaze and hold it. One can almost see the pain and sadness he has experienced and witnessed reflected in them.

Physical: At just over one ped and two fores, Athviaro is tall for a Remusian and exceptionally muscular, especially across the chest, shoulders and arms. His hair is dark, though greying 'round the edges and he has a well-defined jaw, usually kept clean-shaven although sometimes he allows a few days' stubble to grow. It is his eyes, however, that really draw you in. They seem to mirror all the pain and sorrow he has experienced and witnessed, yet one gets the uncanny feeling that it is he who is looking into your soul, not you into his.

Clothing: Athviaro wears a nor'sidian cuncu wool jerkin over a cyhalloian snow shirt of the same material. His trousers are made of dark icemut pelt, and his boots are of typical sturdy Remusian design. Pinnip skin with a sharkskin sole, lined with more icemut fur, makes up the outer boot for outside wear, which is slipped on over the inner boots worn indoors, which have a sheepskin lining and Wilderon cat fur on the outside. For some strange reason, despite the fact that he can no longer move his feet, and can barely feel them, if they get too cold his torso becomes stiff and difficult to move, and so he ensures that he always keeps his feet and legs covered to keep them warm - as well as, of course, for decency's sake. When out of doors, he wears also a wison skin parka and sometimes a cayowl, a Remusian hood that covers the head, face and neck.

Personality: Athviaro has an easygoing personality, in general, although he has a soldier's outlook on the world. He is loyal to his superiors and to the State of Remusia. His kindness ensured that he was well-liked by all the men ever under his command, and his frankness and lack of egotism about his skills earned him the respect of his superiors. He still has the same restless energy he had when he was young and whole, but his disability has focussed this somewhat and he carries the air of a taut spring. He is generally cheerful and likeable, but is struggling to get over a dinking problem. Only during these binges does he lose that easy, person-to-person charisma that made his soldiers follow him so loyally.


Strengths:
Upper Body Strength - The lack of any motor control in his legs has led Athviaro to develop extremely high upper body strength. He can pull his body fully upright using his arms alone with very little effort.

Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov - Literally translating as "Esteemed  Falcon", this is an Odomon blade, left to Athviaro by his adoptive father upon his death. Odomon was the greatest smith in Remusian history, and the only one who managed to create blades of the iron found in Remusia that were not brittle as thorns. Unfortunately, a large amount of his previous skill was based on footwork - his patron and other trainers had always said to him "Any idiot can swing a sword around his head, but footwork separates the man from the master. This has meant that he has had to practice considerably, but his skill is severely stunted by his disability.

Remusian Bow - These bows are reputed to be the best made in the world, and Remusian archers second only to the elves. While not as naturally talented as with a sword, Athviaro's huge strength allows him to draw the large bow and long free hours of practice since his injury have made him a bowman to be respected, although he is not as top-end as he still is with a sword.

Arrock-fey-Zekarsis - Refusing to stop riding this wonderful horse, Athviaro devised a saddle with straps for his legs, and has grown adept at guiding the horse with twists of his torso. While riding will never be as instincive and easy, Arrock is intelligent and copes the best he can with it. This Remusian horse has vast stamina and endurance, and is very fast and loyal to his master.

Weaknesses:
Legless - His spinal cord was severed just in the small of the back, and he has no motor control, and very little sensation, below his hips. This partial paralysis is fairly self-explanatory as a serious problem in everyday life. His only mode of travel is on his horse or by crutches, on which he can only manage short hops - as in, from one side of a room to the other.

Legless(again) - Athviaro, like his father, has a drinking problem. He never touched alcohol until after his injury, when he drank to cope both with the physical pain and the mental torture, for one so young as he, of losing the best part of his mobility.

History: Athviaro son of Barask was a young Remusian boy, born to a peasant family in the city of Remusiat. He was the only child of Barask and Foanera, and both his parents died within the first ten years of his life. His mother was terribly weakened by the birth and died after a few weeks, so Athviaro was raised by his father.

The other families in their four-part Remusian house helped how they could, but Athviaro never had a mother's care. His father took to drink o get over the loss of his beloved wife, and during these drunken spell he often bawled incoherently at Athviaro that he had killed his mother, which led to the boy growing up with a severe lack of self-worth.

Athviaro, as he grew older, took to spending more and more time out of the house, fighting with sticks with his peers, imagining that they were warriors like the ones who patrolled the walls of Remusiat. Even at this age, Athviaro's eye was sharper, his sword quicker, and his arm stronger than his opponents'.

Ironically, it was to be the same soldiers that Athviaro so admired who were responsible for making an orphan of him before the age of ten. One night his father was finding his way home, drunk, when he literally bumped into two soldiers. Through the bleary haze of alcohol, he blinked twice and swore at them. As they tried to come past, he grabbed one of the pair by his tunic, held their faces close enough for the soldier to see the individual hairs of Barask's unkempt beard and made the biggest mistake of his life.

" 'Ere, what choo doin'? Arn't choo lisnen'a me? Look where ya're gooin', bi Kor'ok." As the alcohol-laden breath washed across his face, the soldier attempted to loosen the man's hold, and when he only gripped more tightly, the soldier dispassionately drew his warsword from his belt and cut the drunkard's throat.

When his father did not return, Athviaro and his friends' families went out to look for him. They only found him by chance, when they saw his corpse being dragged out of the city for the scavengers the next morning. When they asked what had happened, the terse answer informed them that he had been "Interfering in the duties of the City Guard".

As the age of 16, as soon as he was able, Athviaro joined the army as a Wyshnir, or warrior. Although he was a good friend of the family with whom he lived, they were glad to see him go so that his food could be given to the family rather than to a comparative alien. He was the best swordsman by a country stral in his recruit group, and was promoted to Wyshnir-eck-Honeyr, the equivalent of a Corporal, in record time.

He attracted the attention of Orsah-Suahrd Mfercuhr Shyu-eck-Silfayr, the commanding officer of his regiment, and with private lessons from his new patron he became the best swordsman in the regiment by the age of 17. He gained the nickname "Suahrd-fey-Whanno", which means "Sword of Water" because of the way he and his sword seemed to flow. For Athviaro, fighting was not just a way to kill people but also a pure art form.

On his 18th birthday, he was presented with a  horse of his very own, a four-year-old proud cut Kor'och fey Mologh whom he named Arrock-fey-Zekarsis, Arrow of Wind. Sword of Water and Arrow of Wind - what a pair they made. The horse seemed to understand his every wish, turning with the lightest of pressures.

When Athviaro was 19, Mfercuhr summoned him to his rooms. When Athviaro arrived, he was surprised to find that he was not alone. He had an austere looking man next to him, who carried a large vellum sheet. Then Athviaro got the shock of his life. The Orsah-Suahrd wanted to adopt him as his son! Athviaro formed his signature in rough, soldier's letters on the document, and took on the name of Shyu-eck-Silfayr.

As Mfercuhr had no children, this made Athviaro his heir to all he possessed - including his well-made Remusian bow, a fairly large amount of money and most importantly of all, in his adoptive son's eyes, his Odomon blade, made over one and a half centuries ago by the greatest Remusian smith ever to have lived. At this point, Athviaro was a sergeant in the Remusian army, with the rank of Wyshnir-eck-E'shov, or Honoured Warrior.

In the twenty-first year of his life, two things were to happen to Athviaro which were to change it forever. Firstly, only three months after Athviaro's twentieth birthday, and seven months after the signing of the adoption papers, reports came of a far-roaming band of Rhom-Orcs south of the city.They had already raided a few villages and Athviaro volunteered to lead the party of men to destroy this raiding band. Before he left, Mfercuhr told him to take Falkoyn-eck-E'shov, as he had no use for it any more and it should be passed to the son from the father.

The band was larger than expected, and cunning to boot. When the young Dragguer (Athviaro having been promoted only the week before) and his men fell on the orcs, they originally had great success. On Arrock-fey-Zekarsis, Athviaro cut down four orcs before they realised what was happening.

As the orcs began to regroup, he leapt off the horse, slapped him once on the rump and sent him back a safe distance. His small band of men, encouraged by his vivacity and motion, fought with fervour, but as they committed to the battle, disaster struck. One of the orcs, whom Athviaro had presumed dead, lunged up and took Athviaro by surprise, as Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov danced in his hand.  

An orcen blade flashed and buried itself in Athviaro's back. He cried out, in anger and shock and pain. Whirling, his sword severed the orc's jaw and it died instantly. Suddenly, Athviaro's legs gave way. He couldn't move them. He saw one of his men step over him and block the blade of a leering orc preparing to deliver the coup de grc. The man fought like a man possessed, and swiftly killed the orc.

Athviaro realised that only his legs ware paralysed, and calling out the man's name motioned him to take Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov. At first the man refused, but when Athviaro ordered him to take it he acquiesced and dropped his own. Picking it up, Athviaro pulled himself into a sitting position against a rock and held the discarded warsword in his hand, to defend himself if an orc came his way. Athviaro called to his men in a clear voice to fight on. They fought with renewed vigour when they saw their leader was not dead, and led by the sight of their Lieutenant's flashing blade, routed the orcs.

As soon as the orcs fled, Athviaro slumped. His armour had prevented him from bleeding overmuch, but he was rushed back to the city to see a doctor. She said that the blow had severed his spine and he would never regain the use of his legs.

He was clearly unable to remain an active member of the army, but because of his adoptive father's influence was offered an organisational post in the army infrastructure, where it was hoped he could put his practical experience to good use. He accepted, but after barely three months requested that he be transferred to a training post. He now trains recruits, demonstrating sword strokes from where he leans against a wall or sits on the benches they use. His determination in overcoming his disability inspires all the students under him. Their problems seem puny in comparison to his, yet long after the keenest have ended practice, he is stiil sitting at the range, sending down arrow after arrow, or exercising his upper body.He is always willing to spar personally with any of his trainees - after all, he has the choice between his one passion, the Art of the Sword, Suahrd-fey-Arah, and sitting at home, drinking.

The long hours of free time that he now had were devoted by Athviaro to practicing with his sword, to attemt to keep his skill with it, and the bow, a pastime to which his strength was put to good use. Although he had rarely used the bow before, and was not naturally talented as with the sword, dogged perserverance meant that Athviaro became a passable archer, although never one of those who "rivalled the elves", as the Remusian archers are claimed to do. Even when working, Athviaro was still training his skills. He also trains active soldiers in a higher level of sword-fighting and finds that his practice duels with them and his most talented students are the most effective way to keep the edge on his technique.

Then, a month later, another disaster befell Athviaro. Mfercuhr fell ill of Orc Fever and died within a week. At the funeral, his voice breaking, Athviaro delivered a short, untutored address to the assembly of Generals and nobles, even including King Timeras.

Sadly, Athviaro also, in the weeks following his injury and his adoptive father's death, began drinking, like his birth father, to help him deal with the pain and - more importantly - come to terms with the fact that he is paralysed for life and his patron and protector is dead. Although he no longer drinks as much as he did, he still on occasion goes on binges.

Weapons:
Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov - This fine weapon, far superior to the usual Remusian warsword, was crafted by the great smith Odomon over 150 years ago and left to Athviaro by his childless patron, Orsah-Suahrd Mfercuhr Shyu-eck-Silfayr. As mentioned, footwork was a large part of Athviaro's style, so his talent has slipped, and although he is still recognised as one of the best in the city in pure style and theory, as well as in one-to-one combat, his disability would be a severe disadvantage in an actual fight, especially with more than one opponent.

Remusian Bow - Firing a bow does not require any legs, and Athviaro's increased upper body strength combined with many free hours for practice have meant that Athviaro has greatly increased his skill with this weapon, although he is not as good as with a sword.

Belongings:
Pair of wooden crutches. Apart from on horseback, these are the only way he can move any distance, or outside.

Familiars:
Arrock-eck-Zekarsis (Arrow of Wind)
Breed: Kor'och fey Mologh
Age: 10 years
Physical: Arrock, as Athviaro calls him for short, is a proud cut Kor'och fey Mologh. He is a pure, jet black, though he has one white sock on his left foreleg. He has great endurance, as do all his breed, and is the most important person in Athviaro's life. In order that he might still ride, Athviaro designed and had made a saddle with straps for his legs to keep him in, and his body strength allows him to mount the horse unaided ninety-nine times out of a hundred.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2010, 03:14:26 AM by Kalna Mrnwn » Logged

I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my revenge -- JRR Tolkein

Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Suahrd-fey-Whanno
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Human, Remusian


« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2010, 06:39:54 AM »

This b-e-a-utiful thing is now ready for comments. *gulp*

Athviaro
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Klyff Tylssen
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2010, 08:07:13 AM »

Well, I guess I shall be the first one to comments on your b-e-a-utiful CD. I notice that you say in your strengths that you are slightly proficient with the Remusian bow, but you have no mention of ever practicing with it in your history. As for your strengths and weaknesses, you are definately not balanced. I would suggest you put in the alcoholic weakness or even try to take out the sword strength, stating that since he lost his legs, his skill with the sword gradually diminished. You can't be too good with a sword if you cant move, eh?

Also, I would like to see how you get around town without your horse. How, perhaps, could you walk around in a tavern? Did your character make some sort of wheelchair to move, or does he have crutches, or what?

Overall, I think it is a pretty good CD, you have a fairly realistic character, and his physical description is really good. I would like to see your personality expanded, though, as it does not give a very detailed description of how your character reacts around other people.

Your description of the battle against the orcs is exciting, but I don't see why the orcs would send a band out there. Which tribe of orcs are there, and why are they there. And furthermore, the orcs had hidden reinforcements in the trees? Were they expecting to be attacked, and were preparing for it? I think this should be expanded. Thank you for looking voer these comments.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2010, 08:12:13 AM by Klyff Tylssen » Logged

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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2010, 10:06:28 AM »

I shall go over this when I have a bit more time.  Beware, I'm very tough on my Remusian children.  evil
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Suahrd-fey-Whanno
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« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2010, 04:54:12 PM »

Hey Kylff,

I put in crutches as - and Altario will either back me up or rip me down here - the impression I formed of the Ice Tribes not even the Remusians would have something like a wheelchair. I did consider that, but rejected it.

I put in the fact that he has alcohol problems that he is struggling to overcome.

I limited his sword strength quite a bit because he can't use his feet. That would be a serious limitation. Also, he can't run if a fight goes against him, so he'll try to stay out of fights in self-interest, I'm guessing.

Also limited the bow, making him "passable".

I'll get to work on the orcs and the personality.

One quick question. I was thinking of making him into n instructor in the Army, training the recruits with a sword, because the way I see him he wouldn't be able to do a desk job for any length of time. Does that sound all right? I'll throw it open to the floor as well. Does that sound all right?

Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my revenge -- JRR Tolkein

Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Klyff Tylssen
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« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2010, 09:58:52 PM »

Hey Athvario, I think that maybe being an instructor with the sword would be a fairly good idea. If you do that, you might want to describe how he teaches without his legs, but I think that could be done. Of course, I would have t agree with Altario (for whatever he says  evil) but Im sure you guys can think of something.

If you wanted to make this character a little bit more on the fighting side, I suppose you could put something in the history saying something like after he was disabled, he relied on the bow more. Practice with the bow, and though you still can't run from a fight, the bow has range, which means it's not as limited.

That's all for me, and since Im still not even approved, go with Altario on any of these matters.
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Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2010, 04:18:36 AM »

Isn't part of training and riding a horse being able to use stirrups to gently nudge and kick with feet? How do you train a horse in the absence of this?
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Suahrd-fey-Whanno
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« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2010, 04:44:50 AM »

Malexia:

By my calculation Arrock-eck-Zekarsis was six when Athviaro had his injury. He was already trained by then. Like I said, Athviaro has a problem and has to twist his torso instead of using his knees. The straps are just to stop him falling off. He uses the reins more and his riding style is slightly ungainly.

Does that answer your query?
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I warn you, if you bore me, I shall take my revenge -- JRR Tolkein

Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2010, 06:36:12 AM »

My edits will be in blue.
My comments will be in green.

Name:  Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr  (Silver Sun) Silfayr-eck-Shyu is Silver Sun.  The noun goes second.  Shialt-eck-Gorrin is Golden Shield.

Gender: Male

Age: 24

Race: Human

Tribe: Remusian

Occupation: Military Organisational Post

Title: Suahrd-fey-Whanno (Sword of Water) 

Overview: A naturally talented youth, Athviaro joined the military, as all Remusian men must, at the age of 16. His talent was quickly recognised, and he became recognised as the best swordsman in Remusiat. It is always best not to make definitive statements.  Instead of "the best swordsman in REmusiat"  it would be better to say "one of the best swordsmen in Remusiat".  He was promoted through the ranks quickly, and by the age of 20 had reached the heady heights of Dragguer, when the blade of an orc nearly severed his spinal cord, completely paralysing him from the hips downwards.

Height: One nailsbreadth under one ped, two fores and a palmspan.

Weight: One pygge, seven hebs, one hafeb and two ods.

Hair: Black, but greying around the temples.

Eyes: Deep and grey, Athviaro's eyes seem to draw your gaze and hold it. One can almost see the pain and sadness he has experienced and witnessed reflected in them.

Physical: At just over one ped and two fores, Athviaro is tall for a Remusian and exceptionally muscular, especially across the chest, shoulders and arms. His hair is dark, though greying 'round the edges and he has a well-defined jaw, usually kept clean-shaven although sometimes he allows a few days' stubble to grow. It is his eyes, however, that really draw you in. They seem to mirror all the pain and sorrow he has experienced and witnessed, yet one gets the uncanny feeling that it is he who is looking into your soul, not you into his.

Clothing: Athviaro wears a nor'sidian cuncu wool jerkin over a cyhalloian snow shirt of the same material. His trousers are made of dark icemut pelt, and his boots are of typical sturdy Remusian design. Pinnip skin with a sharkskin sole, lined with more icemut fur, makes up the outer boot for outside wear, which is slipped on over the inner boots worn indoors, which have a sheepskin lining and Wilderon cat fur on the outside. For some strange reason, despite the fact that he can no longer move his feet, and can barely feel them, if they get too cold his torso becomes stiff and difficult to move, and so he ensures that he always keeps his feet and legs covered to keep them warm - as well as, of course, for decency's sake. When out of doors, he wears also a wison skin parka and sometimes a cayowl, a Remusian hood that covers the head, face and neck.  Very well researched clothing section.  :D

Personality: Athviaro has an easygoing personality, in general, although he has a soldier's outlook on the world. He is loyal to his superiors and to the State of Remusia. His kindness ensured that he was well-liked by all the men ever under his command, and his frankness and lack of egotism about his skills earned him the respect of his superiors. He still has the same restless energy he had when he was young and whole, but his disability has focussed this somewhat and he carries the air of a taut spring. He is generally cheerful and likeable, but is struggling to get over a dinking problem. Only during these binges does he lose that easy, person-to-person charisma that made his soldiers follow him so loyally.


Strengths:
Upper Body Strength - The lack of any motor control in his legs has led Athviaro to develop extremely high upper body strength. He can pull his body fully upright using his arms alone with very little effort.

Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov - Literally translating as "Esteemed  Falcon", this is an Odomon blade, left to Athviaro by his adoptive father upon his death. Odomon was the greatest smith in Remusian history, and the only one who managed to create blades of the iron found in Remusia that were not brittle as thorns. Unfortunately, a large amount of his previous skill was based on footwork - his patron and other trainers had always said to him "Any idiot can swing a sword around his head, but footwork separates the man from the master. This has meant that he has had to practice considerably, but his skill is severely stunted by his disability.

Remusian Bow - These bows are reputed to be the best made in the world, and Remusian archers second only to the elves. While not as naturally talented as with a sword, Athviaro's huge strength allows him to draw the large bow and long free hours of practice since his injury have made him a bowman to be respected, although he is not as top-end as he still is with a sword.

Arrock-eck-Zekarsis - Refusing to stop riding this wonderful horse, Athviaro devised a saddle with straps for his legs, and has grown adept at guiding the horse with twists of his torso. While riding will never be as instincive and easy, Arrock is intelligent and copes the best he can with it. This Remusian horse has vast stamina and endurance, and is very fast and loyal to his master.

Weaknesses:
Legless - His spinal cord was severed just in the small of the back, and he has no motor control, and very little sensation, below his hips. This partial paralysis is fairly self-explanatory as a serious problem in everyday life. His only mode of travel is on his horse or by crutches, on which he can only manage short hops.   Hmmm... I've been on crutches.  To use them, I still needed my leg strength to move.  I've never seen a parapalegic use crutches to move before.  Perhaps a small sled that he could pull himself along.  I read your earlier comments about not having a wheelchair, and I agree that would not exist in Remusia.  But, a sled he could sit on and use his hands to pull himself about would work.  Though, in summer in the south, he's be outta luck.

Legless(again) - Athviaro, like his father, has a drinking problem. He never touched alcohol until after his injury, when he drank to cope both with the physical pain and the mental torture, for one so young as he, of losing the best part of his mobility.

History: Athviaro son of Barask was a young Remusian boy, born to a peasant family in the city of Remusiat. He was the only child of Barask and Foanera, and both his parents died within the first ten years of his life. His mother was terribly weakened by the birth and died after a few weeks, so Athviaro was raised by his father.

The other families in their four-part Remusian house helped how they could, but Athviaro never had a mother's care. His father took to drink o get over the loss of his beloved wife, and during these drunken spell he often bawled incoherently at Athviaro that he had killed his mother, which led to the boy growing up with a severe lack of self-worth.

Athviaro, as he grew older, took to spending more and more time out of the house, fighting with sticks with his peers, imagining that they were warriors like the ones who patrolled the walls of Remusiat. Even at this age, Athviaro's eye was sharper, his sword quicker, and his arm stronger than his opponents'.

Ironically, it was to be the same soldiers that Athviaro so admired who were responsible for making an orphan of him before the age of ten. One night his father was finding his way home, drunk, when he literally bumped into two soldiers. Through the bleary haze of alcohol, he blinked twice and swore at them. As they tried to come past, he grabbed one of the pair by his tunic, held their faces close enough for the soldier to see the individual hairs of Barask's unkempt beard and made the biggest mistake of his life.

" 'Ere, what choo doin'? Arn't choo lisnen'a me? Look where ya're gooin', bi Kor'ok." As the alcohol-laden breath washed across his face, the soldier attempted to loosen the man's hold, and when he only gripped more tightly, the soldier dispassionately drew his warsword from his belt and cut the drunkard's throat.

When his father did not return, Athviaro and his friends' families went out to look for him. They found him, eventually, in an alleyway where the guards had dragged him. Athviaro was cared for by one of the families who shared his house and became almost one of the family.  Something in this sounds amiss.  Crime in Remusia is pretty rare, as the penalty for most crimes is death by splitting.  Is this a crime?  On the surface, one might say yes, but as the father was a low born interfering with soldiers, who hold themselves above others I tend to think not so much.  I would think this could happen, but if it did, the soldiers would not just dispose of the body in an alley.  Why?  They would claim they were justified and have the body disposed of properly, by dragging it out onto the wastes and dropped off for scavengers.

As the age of 16, as soon as he was able, Athviaro joined the army as a Wyshnir, or warrior. Although he was a good friend of the family with whom he lived, they were glad to see him go so that his food could be given to the family rather than to a comparative alien. He was the best swordsman by a country stral in his recruit group, and was promoted to Wyshnir-eck-Honeyr, the equivalent of a Corporal, in record time.

He attracted the attention of Orsah-Suahrd Mfercuhr Shyu-eck-Silfayr again, the name, the commanding officer of his regiment, and with private lessons from his new patron he became the best swordsman in the regiment by the age of 17. He gained the nickname "Suahrd-fey-Whanno", which means "Sword of Water" because of the way he and his sword seemed to flow. For Athviaro, fighting was not just a way to kill people but also a pure art form.

On his 18th birthday, he was presented with a  horse of his very own, a four-year-old proud cut Kor'och fey Mologh whom he named Arrock-eck-Zekarsis, Arrow of Wind.  Should use "fey"  as in Arrock-fey-Zekarsis.  Fey is used in place of "of". Sword of Water and Arrow of Wind - what a pair they made. The horse seemed to understand his every wish, turning with the lightest of pressures.

When Athviaro was 19, Mfercuhr summoned him to his rooms. When Athviaro arrived, he was surprised to find that he was not alone. He had an austere looking man next to him, who carried a large vellum sheet. Then Athviaro got the shock of his life. The Orsah-Suahrd wanted to adopt him as his son! Athviaro formed his signature in rough, soldier's letters on the document, and took on the name of Shyu-eck-Silfayr. again, name

As Mfercuhr had no children, this made Athviaro his heir to all he possessed - including his well-made Remusian bow, a fairly large amount of money and most importantly of all, in his adoptive son's eyes, his Odomon blade, made over one and a half centuries ago by the greatest Remusian smith ever to have lived. At this point, Athviaro was a sergeant in the Remusian army, with the rank of Wyshnir-eck-E'shov, or Honoured Warrior.

In the twenty-first year of his life, two things were to happen to Athviaro which were to change it forever. Firstly, only three months after Athviaro's twentieth birthday, and seven months after the signing of the adoption papers, Mfercuhr fell ill of septicaemia  hmmm.. pretty modern day diagnosis.  Maybe just leave it at "fell ill with stomach flux" or somethin akin to that. and died within a week. At the funeral, his voice breaking, Athviaro delivered a short, untutored address to the assembly of Generals and nobles, even including King Timeras.

Then, two weeks later, after Athviaro had returned to active service (having been ordered to take a week off to mourn his father), reports came of a far-roaming band of Rhom-Orcs south of the city.They had already raided a few villages and Athviaro volunteered to lead the party of men to destroy this raiding band.

The band was larger than expected, and cunning to boot. When the young Dragguer (Athviaro having been promoted only the week before his patron's death) and his men fell on the orcs, they originally had great success. On Arrock-eck-Zekarsis name, Athviaro cut down four orcs before they realised what was happening.

As the orcs began to regroup, he leapt off the horse, slapped him once on the rump and sent him back a safe distance. His small band of men, encouraged by his vivacity and motion, fought with fervour, but as they committed to the battle, hidden reinforcements, placed there on information from hidden sentries, sprang from the trees.  No trees.  Reinforcements could show up still however. One of these took Athviaro by surprise, as Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov danced in his hand.

An orcen blade flashed and buried itself in Athviaro's back. He cried out, in anger and shock and pain. Whirling, his sword severed the orc's jaw and it died instantly. Suddenly, Athviaro's legs gave way. He couldn't move them. He saw one of his men step over him and block the blade of a leering orc preparing to deliver the coup de grc. The man fought like a man possessed, and swiftly killed the orc.

Athviaro realised that only his legs ware paralysed, and calling out the man's name motioned him to take Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov. At first the man refused, but when Athviaro ordered him to take it he acquiesced and dropped his own. Picking it up, Athviaro pulled himself into a sitting position against a tree and whistled for Arrock-eck-Zekarsis.

The horse charged into the fray, trampling one orc who got in its way, and stopped by Athviaro. Aided by the man carrying Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov, Athviaro mounted and called to his men in a clear voice. They fought with renewed vigour, and led by the sight of their Lieutenant's flashing blade, routed the orcs.

As soon as the orcs fled, Athviaro slumped in his saddle. His armour had prevented him from bleeding overmuch, but he was rushed back to the city to see a doctor. She said that the blow had severed his spine and he would never regain the use of his legs.  Okay.  No offense, but I have a lot of problems with this.  If he was stabbed in the back so that it severed or damaged his spinal cord, he'd be done in the fight.  1)  Without training, he'd have very little skill using his sword, as you use your legs for balance and swordplay uses much movement as taught to a a fully mobile individual,  2) Blood-loss and such would limit him, if not rendered him unconcious  3) To be put on his horse would not have helped him.  To ride, you need your legs (I accept that he could be trained later to ride with special equipment, but he has none here) or else you would simply slide off the side.  I'm not against you having your injury, and in fact, I encourage it, as it will make for an interesting CD to play, however, give up on trying to be the hero of the fight in which you recieved your injuries.

He was clearly unable to remain an active member of the army, and so was offered an organisational post in the army infrastructure, where it was hoped he could put his practical experience to good use.  The Ice Tribe way would be to leave you out on the wastes, as cripples cannot be contributing members of society.  Now, I understand you are a contributing member of society, but in order to be saved, I thnk that you should have someone act as a champion for him.  Someone with political or military might.  Maybe a relative of his adoptive brother?  Or even a close friend of his adoptive father.  But someone who would stand up and go against the traditions of the people.  You might also want to greatly expand on his transformation from robust warrior to invalid to survivor. He accepted, but after barely three months requested that he be transferred to a training post. He now trains recruits, demonstrating sword strokes from where he leans against a wall or sits on the benches they use. He His determination in overcoming his disability inspires all the students under him. Their problems seem puny in comparison to his, yet long after the keenest have ended practice, he is stiil sitting at the range, sending down arrow after arrow, or exercising his upper body.He body.  He is always willing to spar personally with any of his trainees - after all, he has the choice between his one passion, the Art of the Sword, Suahrd-ohm-Arah,  ohm is a possesive term, and not used here.  Use fey. and sitting at home, drinking.

The long hours of free time that he now had were devoted by Athviaro to practicing with his sword, to attemt to keep his skill with it, and the bow, a pastime to which his strength was put to good use. Although he had rarely used the bow before, and was not naturally talented as with the sword, dogged perserverance meant that Athviaro became a passable archer, although never one of those who "rivalled the elves", as the Remusian archers are claimed to do. Even when working, Athviaro was still training his skills. He also trains active soldiers in a higher level of sword-fighting and finds that his practice duels with them and his most talented students are the most effective way to keep the edge on his technique.

Sadly, Athviaro also, in the weeks following his injury, began drinking, like his father, to help him deal with the pain and - more importantly - come to terms with the fact that he is paralysed for life. Although he no longer drinks as much as he did, he still on occasion goes on binges.

Weapons:
Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov - Esteemed Falcon?  If so, then it would be E'shoc-eck-Fahlkoyn  This fine weapon, far superior to the usual Remusian warsword, was crafted by the great smith Odomon over 150 years ago and left to Athviaro by his childless patron, Orsah-Suahrd Mfercuhr Shyu-eck-Silfayr  again, name. As mentioned, footwork was a large part of Athviaro's style, and his talent has slipped, although he is still recognised as one of the best in the city.

Remusian Bow - Firing a bow does not require any legs, and Athviaro's increased upper body strength combined with many free hours for practice have meant that Athviaro has greatly increased his skill with this weapon, although he is not as good as with a sword.

Belongings:
Pair of wooden crutches. Apart from on horseback, these are the only way he can move any distance, or outside.

Familiars:
Arrock-eck-Zekarsis (Arrow of Wind)
Breed: Kor'och fey Mologh
Age: 10 years
Physical: Arrock, as Athviaro calls him for short, is a proud cut Kor'och fey Mologh. He is a pure, jet black, though he has one white sock on his left foreleg. He has great endurance, as do all his breed, and is the most important person in Athviaro's life. In order that he might still ride, Athviaro designed and had made a saddle with straps for his legs to keep him in, and his body strength allows him to mount the horse unaided ninety-nine times out of a hundred.


Okay, I would say this is one of the best researched Remusians I have seen on the site.  But, don't get a big head just yet, there are very few of us. :P  I had some problems with this, and it will need some adjusting, but nothing overly major.  You have created a very nice CD.  Good Luck with this. :D
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2010, 07:27:51 AM »

Altario

Thanks for your comments.

Firstly, the names.
Name:  Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr  (Silver Sun) Silfayr-eck-Shyu is Silver Sun.  The noun goes second.  Shialt-eck-Gorrin is Golden Shield.
I quote from your entry on Remusian Nomenclature: "Eck- a non specific conjoiner, put in to bring about the noun to the beginning as in Golden Shield becoming Shialt-eck-Gorrin" Also I note that the word-by-word translation of your name is Shield-of-Gold. I hate to say it, but I think you've made a muddle of yourself somewhere. So, until you point out where I've gone wrong here, I will respectfully decline changing the names lest I need to change them back, except for the name of his horse and the "Art of the Sword".

Not important, but your edits are in red and comments in yellow. It's like one of those - what d'you call them - Stroop tests! Not important, just "My edits will be in blue" struck me.  grin evil

The crutches - I've never used crutches, but I'm thinking that maybe it's more the momentum of your legs to swing you forwards, right? In which case, Athviaro's fine because that movement is basically a vertical sit-up, and so uses the core not the legs mainly, I'd say. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Definiive statements - I understand. Is there some sort of duelling/sparring competition in the Remusian army/Remusia as a whole that I could have him "placed" in? Otherwise I'll go for a wooley "top-end" - eg "One of the, if not the, best swordsmen in Remusiat." Note I am only saying for Remusiat, not the whole country.

I'll fix that right away, the killing issue. Would the soldiers make inquiries about whom they had killed and return him to the family, or just let them find out when they put him out for the beasts?

Can I replace the technical medical "septicaemia" with just "blood poisoning" or should I change it to a heart attack or something similar?

My impression of the ice-tribe was that they are harsh and unforgiving, but the picture of the Remusians is that they are actually quite sophisticated, in cities, compared to their brethren. Of course, you wrote the entry, and I wouldn't contradict you, but the idea and reasoning was that the Remusians could see past things like that, although if you think he needs a champion to concrete his claim to life, I could delay his patron's death until after the fight? Or since he is the son of a Colonel maybe his memory? Or, as you say, an "uncle" by adoption, although I don't want him to get another patron. What do you say?

The Fight Scene

Firstly, I'm an idiot. I knew something was wrong with the idea of a frozen clearing in the woods. There are no trees in Remusia. Perhaps instead of trees and reinforcements I could give one of the Orcs a warg which rises from the ground and bites him? Or an enemy he thought was dead?
Also, riding is a bit unrealistic. I'll settle for him sitting with his back to a rock (rather than a tree)

If anything here jars, let me know if you would.

I'll do these things in the morning (now it's 10:20 and I need my sleep for school tomorrow)

Thanks for the Remusian expertise and swift reply.

Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2010, 07:58:35 AM »

Athviaro, i'm sorry to say that, unless the base of your crutches were made wider, that you cannot hold yourself up without the support of atleast one of your legs. I've broken my leg before, and had to use crutches, and know from experience that you cannot balance yourself up on crutches by just using your arms. When you try to move forward when doing this because of the small base of the crutches you will almost always lose your balance and stumble forward. Just specify that your crutches are specifically made to have a much wider circular base. Though, I also know from experience that crutches are very unconfortable and after time begin to hurt your shoulders because they are essentially what all of your body weight is being held up by when moving forward. It has nothing to do with the momentum of your legs to move, crutches are just a replacement leg, technically the crutch on the side of the "good" leg isn't even needed it just adds comfort and balance.

Edit: Athviaro later riding the horse is easily believable because I've heard stories of people riding horses after losing the use of their legs, but I also dont believe he would be able to ride a horse as he was during the fight scene without former training and something, like the leg harnesses, to hold him on
« Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 09:30:13 AM by Sekros Degrivok » Logged

Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2010, 09:29:41 AM »

Quote
Also I note that the word-by-word translation of your name is Shield-of-Gold

Remusian has a bit of a translation problem in that there is not a seperate word for Golden as opposed to Gold, but in the stressing of the word.  Gold becomes Golden because of how it's used.  If you want your CD to have the name of Sun of Silver, then use "fey".

Quote
I'm thinking that maybe it's more the momentum of your legs to swing you forwards, right? In which case, Athviaro's fine because that movement is basically a vertical sit-up, and so uses the core not the legs mainly

Except your knees would buckle if you had no control of your legs, as well as the miniscule movements of your feet that are done without thinking that control balance.  You also are probably taking too much for granted when it comes to crutch technology at this period in time.  These would not be aluminum or titanium ergonomically designed things you see on the market now, but simple "T" type sticks (more likely bone in the case of Remusians) that would be very unsteady and even painful to use for any length of time.

Quote
Is there some sort of duelling/sparring competition in the Remusian army/Remusia as a whole that I could have him "placed" in?

None that bring in large crowds or entrants.  Of course, there are small contests, probably informal, where you could have gained a high reputation, but nothing where he would be crowned "the best in Remusiat".

Quote
Would the soldiers make inquiries about whom they had killed and return him to the family, or just let them find out when they put him out for the beasts?

I'm ambivilant on this.  It's not like Remusian's carry Driver's Licenses.  :P  They may have inquired or not, it's up to you.  Though, I wouldn't think it would be high on the priority list.

Quote
Can I replace the technical medical "septicaemia" with just "blood poisoning" or should I change it to a heart attack or something similar?

You can make it anything you wish, just keep it medieval sounding.  The Remusian's do not have very in depth medical knowledge.  They are behind what you would find in the southern areas of Sarvonia.

Quote
the picture of the Remusians is that they are actually quite sophisticated, in cities, compared to their brethren. Of course, you wrote the entry, and I wouldn't contradict you, but the idea and reasoning was that the Remusians could see past things like that, although if you think he needs a champion to concrete his claim to life, I could delay his patron's death until after the fight? Or since he is the son of a Colonel maybe his memory? Or, as you say, an "uncle" by adoption, although I don't want him to get another patron. What do you say?

The key phrase here is "compared to their brethren".  They are an advanced barbarian people, but still quite barbaric.  Their society is fighting within itself right now to become civilized, which is why you would have any chance at all at being spared.  In any of the other ice Tribes, you'd be toast, whether you were the kings son or not.  Who you choose for a champion is up to you, or delay the death of the patron.  Either works. :)

Quote
Firstly, I'm an idiot.

I hate to argue with players in their own CDs. :P  Just kidding.  You're not an idiot; just ambitious.  The product of a Video Game culture and too much Hollywood big budget movies.

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« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2010, 10:12:55 AM »

Way to steal my thunder on the crutches Altario. :P That was my first comment on a CD and now it's going to be ignored. buck

Altario ----> fish <---- Me

Edit: Er, that was a joke Altario, I don't want you to take it the wrong way.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 01:31:13 PM by Sekros Degrivok » Logged

Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2010, 06:34:46 PM »

Sorry, Altario, I think we're misunderstanding each other here. It's my "of" I think.

As I read it, "eck" turns the third word in the "Word-eck-Word" into an adjecive describing the first word, as in Shialt-eck-Gorrin or Wyshnir-eck-E'shov.

So surely if I want Shyu to be described as Silfayr I would say Shyu-eck-Silfayr? I don't mean a possesive "of" when I said Sun of Silver. So Sun of Silver (ie the sun that belongs to Silver) is fey, but Silver Sun is eck, surely? As, as I say, with "Shialt-eck-Gorrin or Wyshnir-eck-E'shov (or, for that matter, Fahlkoyn-eck-E'shov). Am I right or am I being the idiot who put trees in Remusia?

Anyway, less disputed topics. I made his crutches only useful for VERY short hops and I think I addressed all the other points.


Athviaro
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2010, 02:26:10 AM »

 :D  I was going to argue more, when I realized you were right.  The object of the description should be the first word, which in your case is the Sun.  I must have been drunk or tired when I was working on it.  My apologies.  It is obvious today. 

In the case of Arrow of Wind, however, I stick to my guns.  You are turning Wind into the adjective with eck, so the translation would be Windy Arrow.  (Silver as a colour is the adjective in the previous arguement, which is where I was making my mistake)  The noun is first, followed by the adjective.  E'shov-eck-Wyshnyr is Esteemed Warrior, where Esteemed is the adjective describing the noun Warrior.


However, I'm not going to insist on anything nomenclature-wise anyway.  I decided I did not like the translation of most of my words, and have come up with a new way to do the Ice Tribe language, so most of this will be moot when it gets overhauled, and by then you'd be grandfathered in.  Besides, naming a character has always been a matter of personal taste, and has never been held to the same standards as every other aspect of a CD.  There are very definitely some Remusian CD's out there that have very unRemusian names.  You know who you are people!  The fact that you put in this amount of effort into creating a very Remusian CD is enough.  You have done a good job on this.  Kudos. :)
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