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Author Topic: Thaelel Swordmar / Erpheronian / Mercenary  (Read 6338 times)
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Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
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Posts: 356


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2010, 05:07:37 AM »

1. Please explain in your history how a Kuglimz would be south of the Tandala region. The Kuglimz people are mainly strictly Northern folk and would be unlikely you would find one in South Sarvonia.

I assume you mean the servants. They were there because in Kuglim lands they were poor and came to Voldar seeking a new life. They became servants to Thaelel's grandfather


2. Explain in your history how you learned the Kuglimz language. See point one above.

That is in my strengths section


3. As a young warrior, it would be very unlikely you would be able to defeat a raid of 12 orcs. You are not super human (nor are you Aragorn...they stuff only happens in movies!  buck). Realistically, you would defeat maybe 3 orcs by yourself, not 12.

Good point. I will make it 6


4. There are no orcs in Southern Sarvonia except the Volkek and they are peaceful and live far away in Ximax. Most orcen tribes live in North Sarvonia across impassable mountains known as the Tandalas. You could have encountered goblins from the Tandalas on a raiding party though.

Another good point. I will probably make it human bandits

5. How did you learn a little bit of Styrash? You would have to be very good friends with an elf who would teach you. Humans and elves do not encounter each other very often. More likely, you encountered a half-elf who knew some Styrash. Half-elves are rare, but more likely seen among humans.

He learned it from his father who learned it from his father who learned it from the elven  smith mentioned in the section about Efér'scál'swordmar


6. Explain in your history why you are afraid of water. It is a good weakness, but please tell us what happened that made you afraid. Were you in a ship wreck as a child? Did you almost drown?

Hydrophobia is irrational, so there is no real need for a reason. However, I may put in something about him and his best friend drinking from an unclean water hole, getting poisoning and the friend dying, with Thaelel only just pulling through

7. Your sword seems very valuable and it is unlikely that a warrior would use a family heirloom in regular battle. I suggest making the sword a little less exotic (and not elven).

It is an heirloom because it is passed down from generation to generation.That does not mean it is a fragile old thing. It is purpose-built for battle, and Thaelel makes use of it.


Thanks for the points. I will address them.

Thaelel
« Last Edit: April 04, 2010, 04:46:28 PM by Thaelel Swordmar » Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
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Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2010, 04:48:02 PM »

Ok, Malexia's points have been taken into account.

Most recent modifications are in Brown

Thanks

Thaelel
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"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
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Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2010, 05:25:39 PM »

Just for future reference, the next time you finish with your comments, it would be wise to set your CD back to the Exclamation Icon.
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Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2010, 05:29:35 PM »

A quick tidbit for you:

In your entry on his formal clothing, you have detailed that he wears jet black ceremonial armor. What kind of armor is it? Scalemail, platemail, chainmail, etc.

By the way, I hope to see you titled soon.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2010, 05:30:20 PM by Alexandre Scriabin » Logged

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Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2010, 06:03:55 PM »

Good points, thanks.

I look forward to being titled soon grin

Ready for comments again.

Thaelel
« Last Edit: April 04, 2010, 07:23:26 PM by Thaelel Swordmar » Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #20 on: April 06, 2010, 07:05:03 PM »

Hi Thaelel,

I've just got one request for you before giving you a first approval.

Would you mind just indicating in your history when the incident with his friend and the water poisoning took place. I suspect it was in early childhood, but a clarification on that would be handy.

If you do that quickly, I should be able to give the first approval tonight!

I don't mean word for word ... even something like, it was during this time that his friend __________, drowned in the water and Thaelel picked up his life-long fear of water.

Apart from that, it looks great! Thanks for your work on it and for your commenting on other CDs.

Dek
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Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #21 on: April 06, 2010, 07:25:41 PM »

Thanks so much for your help Dek, I hope this CD satisfies your needs now that the changes have been made in orange.

I can't wait to start RPing!
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"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #22 on: April 06, 2010, 07:28:10 PM »

Yes it does ... there you go ... a First Approval from me. Sorry that the past few days took so long before it was approved.
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Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #23 on: April 06, 2010, 07:50:51 PM »

Thanks again  grin

By the way, can anyone give me the link to my CD? In my browser (safari) it says the link is http://www.santharia.com/startup_new/mainframe.htm, but that just goes to the home page.

Thaelel
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"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #24 on: April 06, 2010, 08:08:31 PM »

I still have one small issue before a second approval, Thalael.

1. in addition to speaking Tharian, you also speak, read and write Kuglimz. You would need alot of study time to learn a second language unless you were taught since you were a child. Growing up learning two languages I can understand, but as an adult it would take longer. Just because you had a grandmother who knew Kuglimz from servants, did she know enough to speak and read and write it with proficiency? My suggestion is that you can speak it and possibly read enough to get by. Your strength seems to think you know the language very well and that would be hard unless you live in the Kuglimz lands. Keep this strength a bit lesser for better balance.
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Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #25 on: April 06, 2010, 09:44:29 PM »

Yes, Thaelel did learn to speak it as a child, as he saw his grandfather often and he would only speak Kuglimz to Thaelel. But since his early teens, he hasn't spoken it at all, so he is a bit rusty. I think I'll put that in the history section, also in orange.

Oh, by the way, I've decided to change my title from Battle-turner (which I don't think makes sense) to Path Burner, which is inscribed on his sword. (I can't find the word for path in the Styrásh dictionary, so if someone could help me with that, I'd be grateful)
« Last Edit: April 06, 2010, 11:25:25 PM by Thaelel Swordmar » Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
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Malexia Vendu
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Posts: 426


Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #26 on: April 07, 2010, 02:44:23 AM »

Much better! Great job on the CD, Thaelel. You have been on of the most patient and dedicated people so far. You've taken advice and comments very well which is always nice to see.

Here is a well deserved Second Approval!

Nod

An Admin will be along shortly to title you. As for your Styrash name...I am afraid I am no expert. Would you like me to ask the Dev Board? We have some good people there who can help.

"Here is a link to your CD". Just change the wording in the apostrophes.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2010, 02:46:55 AM by Malexia Vendu » Logged

Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #27 on: April 07, 2010, 02:48:21 AM »

Thank you so much to everyone who helped me, especially the mods.

As for the Styrash name, I would be grateful if you could ask someone on the Dev board. Thanks again!

 Thanks!  grin
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"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #28 on: April 07, 2010, 03:17:09 AM »

Titled and Archived. :)
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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #29 on: April 07, 2010, 03:24:55 AM »

Back for colour removal.
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Favorite Cartoon Quotes
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My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
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