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Author Topic: Thaelel Swordmar / Erpheronian / Mercenary  (Read 5461 times)
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Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
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Posts: 356


Human, Erpheronian


« on: March 28, 2010, 02:06:06 AM »

Name: Thaelel Swordmar (Thaelel Path-Burner of House Swordmar)

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Race: Human

Tribe: Erephonian

Occupation: Mercenary

Title: Path Burner

Overview: Thaelel Swordmar is a stocky Mercenary that was taught in the ways of combat by his military father and the arts by his mother. He is extremely friendly and has a hearty sense of humour. Despite being more than competent with most weapons, the one he favours most is his hand-and-a-half sword, which is a family heirloom. He is currently unemployed, but is looking for work as he travels all of Sarvonia.

Appearance:

Height: One Ped, two Fores, one Palmspan, one Nailsbreadth.

Weight: One Pygge, six Hebs, one Hafeb, two Ods, nine Mut.

Hair colour: Eophran Brown.

Eye colour: Eophran Brown.

Physical appearance:

Thaelel is slightly shorter than average with a stocky and muscled build. He has a short beard which he sometimes shaves to stubble then leaves. His face is similar in shape to that of a dwarf, but larger. His hair is thick and falls to cover his upper neck with no particular style, other than a slight sweeping to his left at the front. He rarely visits a barber, and when he does the barber only trims his hair. His skin is a slightly dark Elken in colour, with no marks on it other than four scars: one on his forehead covered by his fringe from when he fell down a steep hill and cut his head on a rock at the age of 4 after being frightened by a hissing cat, another on his right shoulder from getting cut by a knife in a tavern brawl, another on his right hand from practicing with a dagger, and the last a long white line on the left side of his ribcage from the only fight he has ever lost. His mouth is quite large, and his body is extremely muscled.

Clothing:

Combat clothes:
For combat, this mercenary wears a hardened leather tunic, which has several pockets for throwing knives, daggers, and other trinkets, underneath which is a comfortable silk shirt. Over the top of the jerkin he wears a hauberk of Aurium chain mail, which is secured at the legs by a strap on the back of his Aurium greaves. On his feet, he wears Leather boots with steel toecaps. He wears a Knifegrass weave belt with a scabbard for his hand-and-a-half sword on one side and a scabbard for his dagger on the other, with two straps for throwing weapons next to each scabbard and two pouches at the back which contain the basic ingredients of first-aid.

Casual clothes:
Thaelel usually wears a simple silk shirt with a leather jerkin over the top, and a long woolen coat or cloak to keep warm.

Formal Clothes:
When he is presenting his services as a mercenary, Thaelel wears his jet black ceremonial plate armor, but when he just visiting someone important, he wears a dark gray silk shirt embroidered bright red with a long, blood red cape and a black overcoat. He also wears black silk trousers and dark brown leather Boots.

Personality:

Thaelel is a jolly man with a kind spirit and a hearty laugh. He is very loud but intelligent and seems to fit in everywhere he goes. Despite projecting a friendly but raucous salt-of-the-Earth personality, the Erephonian is actually calculating and calm inside. He can also be very quiet and patient, and this side of his personality can almost seem like a different person altogether. During one on one bouts, Thaelel opts for the latter personality, but during real battle he chooses to display supreme confidence and jolliness, throwing himself into the enemy with a smile on his face. Often this is more terrifying to the enemy than an emotionless opponent. He feels drawn to help those less fortunate than himself, and regularly gives to charities. He gives any beggar that asks for money a substantial amount without hesitation. Thaelel is fiercely proud of his roots, and as he is pretty much a pure-bred Erpheronian, it is justifiable. However, he would never harm someone just because of their heritage, apart from dwarves. Dwarves have played a minor part in his life, but those things that they have done have affected Thaelel negatively and profoundly, and also decreasing his trust of non-humans.

Strengths and Weaknesses:

Strengths:

-Thaelel Swordmar is an excellent swordsman. He was easily the best in his battalion in the army, and could best some 'expert' swordsmen in a one on one fight

-He is a very good archer and can hit a bulls eye from 40 paces 9 times out of 10 with his favourite longbow

-He is decent with throwing knives , able to hit a bulls eye 6 times out of 10 from 20 paces.

-He can read, write, and speak Kuglimz, although he is a bit rusty, having seldom used it since his early teens. (He learned it from his maternal grandfather, who in turn picked it up during a long stay in Kuglim and from Kuglimz servants) As well as this, he can read, write, and speak his native tongue of Tharian.

-He also knows a small amount of Styrásh-learned from his father, who learned it from his father, who in turn learned it from an elven smith-but only simple phrases, and could not keep pace with normal spoken Styrásh.

-He can perform basic first aid, e.g. treating minor wounds and illnesses, and can treat major wounds satisfactorily, as long as they are simple.

-He is quite intelligent, a large measure above average in most things (his weaknesses are philosophy and other profound studies) and very athletic (although he is an amazing long distance runner, he is terrible at sprinting and jumping).

-He is moderately wealthy, having inherited large sums of money from his late grandparents, as well as earnings from those who employ him as a mercenary.

-He owns a Cael hound, who is an excellent guard dog and often cheers him up when he is down, and a Rusik, who is very fast and has a lot of stamina, letting him travel long distances at a fast pace.

Weaknesses:

-He has a terrible memory, which often frightens his parents, seeing as he actually forgets where he lives sometimes

-He is very proud of his heritage and will stand up for Erpheronians, interrupting conversations to challenge the person that insulted them to a duel. This also means he underestimates opponents with different heritages

-He stands up for the weak and poor, which earns him no favours amongst the upper classes. If he sees a rich man kicking or beating a beggar just for asking for money, he will immediately draw his sword and hold it to the rich man's neck, forcing him to apologise to the beggar

-He has drinking problems. Although he doesn't drink often, when he does the consequences can be devastating. Often this habit consumes lots of money as well

-He hates all non-humans, as one of his grandfathers was killed by a dwarf in a tavern brawl and his grandmother's farm was once burnt down by goblins. He refuses to be employed by non-humans, and trusts only humans. This can be a very hindering weakness when in a group containing non-humans. However, he normally gives them the silent treatment as opposed to actively seeking to harm them.

-He is gullible and naive, attracting dishonest people that cheat him out of his money and distract him from his goals. This means that he is often conned and usually believes anything people tell him.

-He has Hydrophobia, meaning he has an irrational fear of water. The mere sight of a large lake will make him sick, and the rocking motion of being on a boat will trigger violent bouts of vomiting. When he does take a bath, he does so quickly and gets out  as fast as possible. Oddly, however, drinking water doesn't bother him. This fear stemmed from a particularly nasty incident when Thaelel was a child, in which he and his friend were playing outside of town and decided to drink from a pond. Being young and unaware of the dangers, they both got serious cases of water poisoning, with Thaelel only just pulling through and his friend tragically dying

History:

Early Childhood:

Thaelel was born into a loving family in Voldar. His father, Syvash, was a knight of the Order of Armeros with one squire, Dagolyth, who remains a family friend even though Syvash has retired and he has become a knight of the order himself. Syvash is a quiet but kind and caring man who taught his son the ways of combat from the earliest possible age with tenderness and compassion. Thaelel's mother, Clistrea, is a wise seamstress who is, if anything, even quieter and kinder than her husband. She taught Thaelel first-aid and cooking, and even some sewing. Thaelel's early childhood was not very eventful. The only things that permanently affected him were getting a scar from falling down a hill and hitting his head on a rock after being scared by a hissing cat whilst he and his family were on holiday to Santhala and his father's reputation being severely damaged by being accused of having an affair with his squire. It was soon after this that he and his friend Trivor were sent out of their houses together and told to "explore while the grown-ups talked". Unfortunately, the absence of "grown-ups" led to Thaelel and Trivor drinking from a dirty water hole and getting poisoned. Thaelel managed to pull through, but Trivor passed away, leaving Thaelel scarred for life and afraid of water.

Adolescence:

During his adolescence, Thaelel began to be recognised as an excellent swordsman. He could beat any of his friends with ease, and it was one of his friends that recommended that he join the army. As one of his friends was the son of a captain, he was taken under this officer's wing. He mentored Thaelel from when he joined the army- at age 16 -until he died of a heart attack on Thaelel's 19th birthday. Despite this, his sergeant bullied Thaelel relentlessly about his father's alleged affair. By this time, Thaelel was also an established axe and bowman, and by defeating his sergeant in a duel witnessed by a commander, he was able to make corporal at the age of 20 and sergeant at the age of 22 (he was promoted after single-handedly defending a merchant's caravan from a group of 6 bandits whilst on his way back from a 3-day leave, killing two with his bow and stabbing one before they even realised he was there, then fighting the other three, slashing one man's arm off and stabbing another. The last fled, leaving the wounded one to Thaelel. He spared him, bringing him to the nearest town to a heroic welcome),although his post was seriously threatened after he injured a rich man he had seen stab a beggar complained. It turned out he was a regular donor to the military and had many crucial arms deals with them. However, when the man was fined a hefty sum as a result of this stabbing (it was his third unprovoked murder of a beggar in a year) and went bankrupt, all was forgotten.

Adulthood:

It was at the age of 23 that Thaelel Swordmar left the military with his best friend- Nordolth Silkseller- after they witnessed a commander beating a Kuglimz man to death just because of his heritage. He went to his father for advice, who recommended that he become a mercenary. Nordolth was also a decent swordsman at that time, and an amazing archer, so when Thaelel inquired as to whether he and Nordolth should offer their services together, his father gave Thaelel his blessing to pursue this career. They now offer their services as Swordmar and Silkseller. At the age of 24, when his career as a mercenary was just beginning, Thaelel met his soon to be fiancée. Her name is Weyfriga Gemfinder and she is due to be married to Thaelel on the 12th of Maáh'valannía (Sleeping Dreameress) 1670. Thaelel has made many friends during his adulthood, most of who are merchants, miners, blacksmiths, or military men. So far, he has been hired by numerous merchants, barons, and raiders, as well as one client that hired an army to destroy an orcish encampment to avenge his brother's death. He hopes that he and Nordolth will soon be hired by a lord or even monarch.

Family:

Thaelel's maternal grandfather- Dekarlicht- is a wealthy weapon merchant, from whom Thaelel learned to speak Kuglimz, speaking it to him as a child. However, Thaelel hasn't spoken it since, so he is a bit rusty. His paternal grandfather- Raenoan- was a Knight of the Order of Armeros until he was accidentally killed by a dwarf in a tavern brawl. The dwarf later claimed he was brandishing the knife so people would stay away, but Thaelel didn't believe him. His maternal grandmother- Býrlossa- was an excellent seamstress, but now she is very old and has passed on all her knowledge to Clistrea. Thaelel's paternal grandmother was a shepherd's daughter, but was abducted by orcs during a raid. Thaelel's grandfather saw her and called for his caravan's guards to rescue her. She was very grateful, and soon fell in love with him. They married only two years after meeting. She now manages her late father's farm. Thaelel knows very little about his paternal grandmother as his father never met her- she died in childbirth and his father never talked about her.

Weapons:


-Efér'scál'swordmar (Fire blade of Swordmar), an aurium hand-and-a-half sword with a huge ruby set into the pommel and surrounded by carnelions and an elven inscription literally translating as 'Path Burner'. It is carried in a thick leather scabbard on the right side of Thaelel's belt. It was his father's, and his grandfather's before him. It was first obtained as a gift from an elven blacksmith after Raenoan saved him from marauding orcs, and is now a family heirloom

-6 steel throwing knives. One is kept in each boot, three in the pockets of Thaelel's jerkin, and one on the each side of his belt

-A Yew longbow that is strapped to his back, along with a quiver of about 50 steel-tipped arrows

-A steel dagger that is kept in a scabbard on the left side of his belt

-Kái'jaél'khrog (Axe of the misty claw), an Aurium battle-axe that has been handed down through the generations of the Swordmar family for over 250 years. No-one knows its history. Thaelel keeps it at his home in Voldar.

Fighting Style:

Thaelel tries to take down enemies from a distance with his longbow, but when they come too close he puts it away and throws a knife or axe at them. After that, he takes out his sword and goes on the offensive with fluid but lightning fast strokes, trying to wear his enemy down. He has a huge amount of stamina, and could keep doing this for up to half an hour. He usually starts off using his sword with one hand, then as the enemy is worn down uses the both for powerful strikes. Then, if he hasn't defeated them, he draws a throwing knife and throws it at them.

Belongings:

  • Overcoat x2, Silk cape x1, Woolen coat x3, Woolen cape x3, Silk shirts x12, Leather jerkin x1, Leather tunic x1, Hardened leather boots x2
  • Ceremonial plate armor x1
  • Aurium chain-mail hauberk
  • Two houses, one in Voldar and the other in Santhala

Familiars:

Name: Barsath
Breed: Kodael (Cael hound)
Age: 5
Appearance: Dark brown scruffy coat, quite tall, skinny
Gender: Male
Personality: Energetic, fast, excellent guard dog
History: Born in a litter of 5, Barsath was the youngest. Nordolth Silkseller gave him to Thaelel when they left the army. Barsath has been no trouble since then, living with Thaelel's parents and occasionally following Thaelel out on some of his assignments.

Name: Ó'chón'cár
Breed: Rusik
Age: 12
Appearance: Glossy Nor'sidian apart from a light grey section above each fetlock. 2 and a half peds high.
Gender: Female
Personality: Steady, dependable, fast, and friendly.
History: Bought at the annual horse auction in Horth for a bargain, this horse is dependable but fast, and Thaelel rides on her wherever he goes.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2010, 03:31:41 AM by Thaelel Swordmar » Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1536


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2010, 04:01:27 AM »

Hi Thaelel and welcome to Santharia,

I'm here to give you some assistance to improve your already impressive CD. I can see you've done your research into our world here which is always good to see. :) Please don't be frightened by the length of this post ... it is all designed to help. Oh, and thanks for running a spell checker through your CD, that is greatly appreciated!

Titles ... it is preferred that we choose one title and have that one. When you get approved, the title gets added to your profile, and appears under your picture in the place where 'New Santharian' is currently. Battle Turner sounds like an interesting one to me ... but that's just me.

With regards to colours ... you don't need to use the Santharian colours throughout your CD. While using them in some places (eg Hair Colour and Eye Colour) is good, when you go into describing his appearance or clothes, simply calling them black/brown/grey etc is sufficient.

Personality could do with a bit of an expansion, I think. Please check through his Strengths and Weaknesses and see if you can include anything more from in there in your personality. For example, you've mentioned nothing about him standing up for the poor in your personality section, neither have you mentioned him being proud of being an Erpheronian or his hatred of dwarves. This section helps everyone else know how you will behave in certain situations so that story mods can give you situations to deal with.

Strengths and Weaknesses currently need a bit of work, and at a first glance it appears that you are overpowered. I'll go through each of your Strengths and Weaknesses one by one to show you what I mean. But a general comment on them ... It is preferred we write two - three sentences on each strength/weakness to explain to the cd mods/story mods and other players how each strength/weakness impacts on him in his life and how much of a benefit/limitation they are to him.

Quote
    *  Thaelel Swordmar is an excellent swordsman, axeman, and archer and is decent with throwing knives, throwing axes, staves, spears, and maces
Each of these weapons are a strength in their own right. They really would need to be listed as their own strengths. We also need to know what you mean by 'excellent' and 'decent'. This also makes you extremely powerful, and I'd suggest you consider doing the following ... keep the Swordsman, Archer and Throwing Knives, and do away with the other weapons. (I'd almost be inclined to suggest that you consider doing away with the archery as well, but that one would help him take down an opponent at a distance.)

Quote
    * He can read, write, and speak Sertharian, and Kuglimz, as well as his native tongue of Tharian. He also knows a bit of Styrásh
I would strongly urge you to remove Sertharian. Sertharian is known only by a few scholars ... and I would think that your character would be a bit too focused on his weaponry to be focused on being one of those few scholars. I would also like it explained somewhere how he learnt Kuglimz. Between Kuglimz lands and Santharia, there are some extremely dangerous lands between Santharia and the lands of the Kuglimz full of creatures and barbarians that would do nasty things to a mercenary. Most people go up there by boat, but as Thaeiel is seasick, that wouldn't really be an option for him, I don't think.

When you say 'a bit of Styrásh', what exactly do you mean? Just a few phrases? If an elf was speaking to him quickly, would he be able to follow the conversation, or would he need to ask them to slow down? Can he also read and write Styrásh?

Quote
    * He can perform basic first aid and cook well
These possibly need to be included as two seperate strengths. 'Basic First Aid' ... any chance of explaining what you mean by basic. Same thing with 'cook well' ... could he entertain the local Thane and his/her wife/husband or is it more for himself and his friends.

Quote
    * He is very intelligent and athletic
More details here as well would be appreciated. Exactly what is meant by 'very'? Perhaps give us an example of his intellectual and athletic abilities.

Quote
    * He is moderately wealthy and owns two houses, one in Voldar and the other in Santhala
Owning two houses sounds to me as though he is more than moderately wealthy. Most people don't include their house as a strength, although you are welcomed to do so. However, I'd be interested to know how he maintains them considering he's a travelling mercenary. I think you could possibly not mention this one here :D

Quote
    * He owns a Cael Hound and a Rusik
Once again, please consider putting them in as two seperate strengths and explain how they are of help to him.

Quote
    *  He has a terrible memory
More details here please

    * He gets seasick
More details here please

Quote
    * He sometimes gets thrown out of high-class places on account of his salt-of-the-Earth personality
Did you mention anything of this in his personality section. Also, you might like to give a brief example of this in his history section, if it hasn't been included yet. I would still like to see a bit more explanation here about this weakness.

Quote
    * He is very proud of his heritage and will stand up for Erpheronians even if it will cause him danger, as well as underestimating opponents with different heritages
How does he stand up for Erpheronians?

Quote
    * He stands up for the weak and poor, which earns him no favours amongst the upper classes
How does he stand up for them? How does this impact on him?

Quote
    * He has drinking problems. Although he doesn't drink often, when he does the consequences can be devastating. Often this habit consumes lots of money as well.
This one reads well to me. :)

Quote
    * He hates all dwarves, as one of his grandfathers was killed by a dwarf in a drunken rage and his grandmother's farm was once ransacked.
This doesn't really sound like dwarf behaviour to me. Who ransacked his grandmother's farm? You've mentioned that orcs kidnapped his grandmother. However, you make no mention of them in here.

At the moment, I feel you are overpowered. Consider dropping some of your weapon skills, please and expand on most of your strengths and weaknesses. See if your strengths and weaknesses can also be included in your personality and history sections ... eg examples of the strengths and weaknesses impacting on him. At a later stage, after you have addressed the above, we'll take another look at your strengths and weaknesses for balance.

History ... not a lot to comment on here ... as I suspect it'll be changing as a result of the above, and it mostly looks good. You might like to mention the city/region he grew up in in your history.

Weapons ... Fireblade of Swordmar ... just be aware that magic items are currently restricted ... from the reading of this weapon, I don't think it is magical, but just wanted to mention that so you were aware. Your weapons will need to be adjusted based on my comments regarding strengths and weaknesses. Also, you may like to include a brief section on Combat Style, as this is a focus of your character. It doesn't need to be elaborate ... something along the lines of, when enemies approach, he shoots at them with his bow. As they get closer he puts up his bow and wields Efér'scál'swordmar when they get into hand to hand combat. He attacks with quick strikes and defends with parries as he looks for an opportunity to quickly bring down his opponents. Something like that ... I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something suitable.

Familiars ... it is generally preferred that we try to have the following layout for these
Name:
Breed:
Age:
Appearance:
Personality:
History:

Also, be aware the Arthyrón are a bit far afield to be merchants down here, and particularly to be selling Rusik horses. There is a regular horse auction in the city of Horth that might suit your purposes better, plus it is closer to the Steppe of Kruswick, where the Rusik were originally from.

In conclusion, I like what you're doing with your CD here, and look forward to helping you further. Please ask if you have questions and remember to colour changes to the CD.

Regards,

Dek
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
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Posts: 356


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2010, 06:38:15 AM »

Thanks for the comments, Dek, they're really helpful. I'll get around to changing my CD as soon as possible.

Oh, by the way, I have removed the path-burner title, but most upper-class Erpheronians have at least two titles, so I felt obliged to include both. If possible, I would like to use Battle-turner as that is displayed on my profile.

Thanks again,
Thaelel
« Last Edit: March 28, 2010, 08:19:47 AM by Thaelel Swordmar » Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
Valan Nonesuch
Collector of Lore
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Gender: Male
Posts: 671


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2010, 09:10:47 AM »

The "titles" described in the nomenclature section are, by all rights and reasons, parts of the name, belong in that section there. The easiest way to do so would be like this:
Name Thaelel Swordmar (Mercenary Thaelel Path-burner of House Swordmar)
Only you could probably leave off the mercenary if you wanted to since it does make the whole thing look silly.

The bit labeled Title, in the form is for the little bit of italic text that goes under your name. (You can see, mine happens to be Collector of Lore while yours reads "New Santharian" since you haven't been approved yet. It's the final stamp of approval when you get one of those, so make sure you like the one you want.)
« Last Edit: March 28, 2010, 09:12:26 AM by Valan Nonesuch » Logged

Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling men!
Valan Nonesuch
Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
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Posts: 356


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2010, 07:33:14 PM »

Ah Ok. I get it now.

I've changed the CD again, so comments are welcome.

Thaelel
Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 356


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2010, 10:51:23 PM »

Hi everyone.

Ok, I just finished integrating the results of the first round of comments in lime green.

Ready for the next round. Bring it on!

Thaelel

P.S. If anyone knows where I can get a portrait/avatar, please tell me.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2010, 05:18:51 AM by Thaelel Swordmar » Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
Approved Character
*
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Posts: 356


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2010, 05:33:38 PM »

Sorry for the triple post but....

2 day bump
Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1536


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2010, 09:37:41 PM »

Thank you for your patience with us, Thaelel,

It is generally preferred that people wait three days before bumping their CDs again.

Thank you for the changes you have made, but I'm still somewhat concerned that you're rather overpowered in terms of the weapons you have, as well as having two houses. Did you consider the requests I made of you with regards to those two items?

I've asked the other mods to take a look over your CD to see if they share my thoughts regarding your weapon skills, so if you could continue to be patient, someone should be by soonish.

Dek

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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Malexia Vendu
Tainted Flame
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2010, 09:43:02 PM »

Hi Thaelel! Welcome to Santharia.

I would agree with Dek. You are not very balanced right now with so many weapon skills and so small of weaknesses. I suggest either having one major weapon skill (sword or axe) and one secondary weapon skill (archer or throw knives or throw axes). At 26 years of age, it is doubtful you have such skill in so many areas.

Additionally, as Dek mentioned, the houses is something not typical for a character to have. I suggest removing those.

Lastly, we'll need to look closely at your weaknesses as they are not sufficient right now. But first fix the strengths.

 ;)
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Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
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Posts: 356


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2010, 10:35:59 PM »

Ok, thanks for those comments.

Sorry about the early bump, I didn't realise.

The CD has been changed, but since they were all removing changes, I haven't needed to use another colour.

Looking forward to the next comments,

Thaelel
Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
Path Burner
Malexia Vendu
Tainted Flame
CD Mod
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 426


Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2010, 11:25:03 AM »

I still feel you are a bit too overpowered, Thaelel. You are wealthy, a swordsman, know two languages and first aid. The only relevant weaknesses I see is your terrible memory and your drinking problem. The others are quite minor. Seasick? Don't ride a boat. Defend the weak and poor? That is a good quality to have. Now if you go around beating on rich people...what does that say about you? You're wealthy too! Go give your money to the poor. You hate dwarves? Dwarves are not as common as you think. Only in Ximax would you find dwarves among the city folk. The rest live in mountains and your character is more of a city type (where the alcohol can be found.) So encountering a dwarf perhaps...once or twice a year is not really a weakness.

If you want a weakness, perhaps you have a bias against all non-humans. Perhaps you only trust humans and work with them. Perhaps another weakness would be you are naive and gullible. You help the poor, but also attract dishonest people who lie and cheat you out of your money. Instead of being seasick, perhaps you are afraid of water itself! Rivers, lakes, seas, ponds - even large buckets of water make you ill and nervous. How do you take a bath? Very carefully! That's a very hindering weakness in my opinion.

Think about it and see what you can do.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2010, 11:26:21 AM by Malexia Vendu » Logged

Thaelel Swordmar
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2010, 10:31:50 PM »

Done in Teal

More comments are welcome.

Thaelel
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Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2010, 10:38:09 PM »

Thaelel, this is looking close to approvals to me and is definitely a lot better balanced. I'll just wait to see whether Malexia feels you are balanced now.

Thanks for your work on this.

Dek
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Thaelel Swordmar
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« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2010, 01:17:50 AM »

Thanks for all the help Dek (and others). I'm really glad that I'm (hopefully) close to being approved.  grin

Thaelel
« Last Edit: April 04, 2010, 01:18:24 AM by Thaelel Swordmar » Logged

"Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price."
- Sun Tzu

"Without Knowledge, Skill cannot be focused. Without Skill, Strength cannot be brought to bear and without Strength, Knowledge may not be applied."  
 -Alexander the Great

Thaelel Swordmar
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2010, 02:24:20 AM »

1. Please explain in your history how a Kuglimz would be south of the Tandala region. The Kuglimz people are mainly strictly Northern folk and would be unlikely you would find one in South Sarvonia.

2. Explain in your history how you learned the Kuglimz language. See point one above.

3. As a young warrior, it would be very unlikely you would be able to defeat a raid of 12 orcs. You are not super human (nor are you Aragorn...they stuff only happens in movies!  buck). Realistically, you would defeat maybe 3 orcs by yourself, not 12.

4. There are no orcs in Southern Sarvonia except the Volkek and they are peaceful and live far away in Ximax. Most orcen tribes live in North Sarvonia across impassable mountains known as the Tandalas. You could have encountered goblins from the Tandalas on a raiding party though.

5. How did you learn a little bit of Styrash? You would have to be very good friends with an elf who would teach you. Humans and elves do not encounter each other very often. More likely, you encountered a half-elf who knew some Styrash. Half-elves are rare, but more likely seen among humans.

6. Explain in your history why you are afraid of water. It is a good weakness, but please tell us what happened that made you afraid. Were you in a ship wreck as a child? Did you almost drown?

7. Your sword seems very valuable and it is unlikely that a warrior would use a family heirloom in regular battle. I suggest making the sword a little less exotic (and not elven).
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