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Author Topic: James Seabird/Avennorian/Seafaring Adventurer  (Read 7081 times)
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James Seabird
The Runaway Pirate
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Gender: Male
Posts: 168


Human, Avennorian


« Reply #30 on: March 21, 2011, 06:49:03 AM »

When it comes to his age of kidnapping, I don't want to raise his age too much because I want him to be raised more by the pirates than his own parents, but I have raised it. I hope my adjustments work properly. Please give me your feed back. Thank you.

Alexandre, I'll PM you.
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James Seabird

The only way you'll ever know how far you can go is to run.
Alexandre Scriabin
Music Adept
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Human, Erpheronian/ Rhulran


« Reply #31 on: March 21, 2011, 11:56:32 AM »

You've got your first approval. And if no one's around to help in the next few days, I'll poke some shoulders for you.  Thumb up
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Alexandre Scriabin CD
Tervild Jorek
Serene Actor
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Human, Avennorian


« Reply #32 on: March 22, 2011, 07:31:04 AM »

Hello James, as a fellow Avennorian player I think I can definitely help in getting your CD approved. I'll be giving you your comments in light blue and corrections in dodger blue.

Firstly the color that you have used for your headers is very dark and is hard to read against the color of the board. Please choose a brighter color just to allow us a better visual.

Name: James Seabird

Gender: Male

Age:17

Race: Human

Tribe: Avennorian

Occupation: Deckhand

Title: The Runaway Pirate

Hair color: Wavy Eophran Brown Hair

Eye Color: Baveras eye Please capitalize the "e" in the word "eye" just to create a better paralleled visual for your readers.

Height: one ped, two fores, 1 palmspan and 3 nailbreadths Here you have used both actual numerals and then you spelled some numbers please change it to one of the two. Also in the weight section you have capitalized the units of measure. I would suggest doing this for the units used for the height as well.

Weight: 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 2 Ods, and 4 Mut

Physical Appearance:Here you should start a new paragraph. As you have finally written something that is more than a single sentence this will put a greater emphasis on the paragraphs follow the heading. Just a suggestion James is tanned from constant sun exposure on the deck of a ship, he has a lanky build, and he’s flexible, yet strong as any sailor should be. He has sharp features and an intelligent face. He has a bright smile placed in a sun kissed face.<--- In this sentence you need to watch your tense so please adjust this to fit with the rest of your writing. He also bears a tattoo of a gull, wings spread, on the back of his left hand near his wrist. On his back are scars from when he was beaten and whipped as a slave.

Clothing: His clothing is simple; it’s made of cheap material and is made for maneuverability. It bears many signs of being worn on the sea. He has a pair of boots that have a hollowed out watertight heel, in which he stores his money and other belongings. He's worn gloves with the fingers cut off ever since he ran away from pirates to hide his tattoo. Again the tense here is weird. There is also a space after this last sentence please remove it.

Personality: James is mentally strong and clever young man, who likes an adventurous seawardI believe the word here is "seafaring" but as you please it life. He tries to act like he's several years older than he is, pretending to be a sea worn sailor with a cruel mind and temper, and pretends that he doesn't care about anyone but himself, but often his true colors shine through.<--- This sentence is an ENORMOUS run-on please shorten it or break it down into more manageable sentences. It's a thin shield though, and anyone who talks to him, civilly, for a length of time will see what he’s truly like. He's quick on his feet and has a bright personality beneath the façade, those who take time to get to know him, normally, easily take a liking to him. <--- This sentence is kind of confusing and could do with some more clarification. Just a thought. He has no real desire for treasure or material goods but instead looks for adventure. He has more heart than he is normally willing to show to anyone. He puts the well being of others over his own, discreetly, so people will believe him to be tougher than he really is. He is a good actor and that's why he's still alive, despite the different crews he's "he has" worked with.  He doesn't like people who don't pull their weight, as he's been forced to do all his life, but he is sympathetic to those who can't pull much weight at all, i.e. children, the elderly, sick or wounded people. If your not doing your fair share then he's scathing and rude with his comments. He's good at delegating work fairly among groups of people. 

Again there are several spaces at the end of this paragraph so please remove them. Overall a very nice description of his personality. One last thing, this is a very large paragraph and should be broken down just to make it easier to read.

Strengths:
James is fast. In the rigging, on the ground, in the water, climbing up and down he moves as fast as possible. His speed is part of what keeps him alive in a fight. He can maneuver the rigging of any ship with great ease, seeming more to fly than to climb, which is where he got his name. Just a note, does this also apply to when he is on land?

James can swim, a surprisingly rare gift among sailors, he is capable of swimming for up to an hour. <--- I don't see how this could be true as people who can't swim are unlikely to get into such a dangerous line of work in which you could fall into the water at anytime.

James is well versed in using the Hrkje Whip. He learned the basics when he sailed with pirates. It seemed I don't think this is possible. Either the skills cam easily to him, or they didn't there is no in betweens about it. to come naturally to him and he became quite good using it to disarm and incapacitate crews being raided. Since then he has become even better with the weapon through seeing and working with others who use it in other crews as well as a lot of practice. Again this last sentence is kind of confusing and could do with some clarification.

James can also use a sling with some proficiency and has decent accuracy from 12 peds away.

James has a bright personality that makes him quite likable after one gets to know him and he gets along well with others. He's a team player. He's learned from experience, if you don't act as a team on a ship then you won't be acting as anything for long.

James has a large amount of nautical knowledge and can manage almost any position on a ship with ease. Having spent his whole life at sea and having been raised by pirates, who taught him almost all he knows,You should end the sentence here. he can navigate a ship, as well as haul the proper rigging and tie the proper knots. James has never been given much authority on a ship, has never led a crew himself or done some of the more responsible jobs, but those jobs which he has not done he still knows how to do. Though he also is aware that knowing how to do them and actually doing them are two very different things.

James is strong. His life at sea tugging ropes, hauling rigging, carrying barrels has left him as strong as any sailor should be.

James can read. As a man of the sea James doesn't have much use for reading, but he can read a little, though he's better at reading charts than books. Captain Gwinn taught him to read among many other things about sailing.

James has really good eyesight. Onboard a ship if you're sailing blind or if you cant see your quarry, then you're in big trouble, either with the sea herself or with the captain. <--- This sentence is awkward and needs adjusting. SoNever start a sentence with the word "so". James has often found himself in the crows nest because of his ability to see long distances, even by the dim torchlight aboard his vessel.

Weaknesses:
James is superstitious like most sailors, he can be either overly frightened because of sailors' yarns or overly confident bordering on foolhardy because of his desire for adventure and belief of these tales. This is another run-on sentence and needs adjusting

James is overly adventurous and curious, often getting himself into trouble because of his need to satisfy his curiosity.

James is very impatient, if something isn't happening as fast as he would like it to he'll often get irritable. The exception being that he is not impatient for voyages or adventures to end or for destinations to arrive.

James has a sharp tongue and can often talk his way into trouble with a smart remark. And for once James is not quick…to apologize. This is something that I again feel is very awkward, please make adjustments so that the writing flows more completely.
 
James knows nothing of inland routes. Having been raised on the sea James has never needed to go far inland and because of this, all he knows about roads and trails inland are only versions talked about by villagers on land, normally in fishing villages. You do not need that last part to your finally sentence as it confuses the original thought.

James is very confused around women. As James grew up onboard a ship with a male captain and a nearly all man crew Then wouldn't that mean that he did spend time around women?, as well as being a teenager he is very curious about women. He knows very little about them aside from some of them might gut you. <--- This sentence is awkward, please re-read and edit. He's had many bad experiences with the one woman onboard crew with the pirates. Again this sentence doesn't flow very well and should be changed. James has no idea how to act and often comes across as just plain stupid around women. Women amaze and confuse him more than almost anything else. He holds no delusions of what they are capable of (i.e. stabbing you in the back, or in the front, with a knife) but is all the more confused when one appears kind.

James is scared of horses and other large creatures. James is rarely on land for long periods of time, so large, land creatures make him curious and more than a little wary. James is scared of horses in particular, as they are large animals with strong legs and teeth that could easily step on, and kill you. This last sentence is unclear.

James fears large fires. Because he has spent his life on sea there normally aren't big fires, and if there are then there's normally trouble. Fire makes him careful if it's much bigger than a torch, and given his reputation for leaping before he looks, being careful means he's more than a little scared. This entire paragraph is difficult to understand. Can you please clarify the sentences so that readers can understand better what you are getting at.

Overall I think you've written a very pleasant CD. I think you'll be getting your second approval very soon, so good luck with writing your CD. :)
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James Seabird
The Runaway Pirate
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Gender: Male
Posts: 168


Human, Avennorian


« Reply #33 on: March 23, 2011, 06:45:52 AM »

I've made most of edits indicated. I haven't highlighted them as most of them were grammatical in nature. As per the swimming, most sailors did not know how to swim in the standard time period. I have previously posted my rationale if you'd care for what I believe the explanation is.
Thank you for your comments.
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James Seabird

The only way you'll ever know how far you can go is to run.
Irid alMenie
Wolf-Lady
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« Reply #34 on: March 23, 2011, 04:23:42 PM »

It's true what James says, it's a surprisingly uncommon thing among sailors in the sort of time period we're writing to be able to swim. If you were good enough a sailor, you wouldn't fall overboard, and if you did (because of a wave or whatever) the chances of keeping up with the ship to get hauled back on board are very slim, especially if there's a strong wind in the sails. So in that case you were done for anyway :) So that's a valid strength.
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Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.
Irid al'Menie
Leif Terskun
Golden Wordsmith
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« Reply #35 on: March 23, 2011, 04:35:16 PM »

For what it's worth by now, Irid and James have it right. Swimming was uncommon among sailors; they tended to fear the sea and the idea of going in it? That's the reason for the big floating wooden thing...
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Words convey knowledge; knowledge is power; thus power lies in words
Leif Terskun
James Seabird
The Runaway Pirate
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Gender: Male
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Human, Avennorian


« Reply #36 on: March 25, 2011, 05:39:54 AM »

Thank you for your support and advice. Its greatly appreciated.
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James Seabird

The only way you'll ever know how far you can go is to run.
Malexia Vendu
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #37 on: April 06, 2011, 10:05:30 PM »

Hi James! Have you made your corrections? If so, I can give a second approval here.  Pet
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James Seabird
The Runaway Pirate
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Gender: Male
Posts: 168


Human, Avennorian


« Reply #38 on: April 09, 2011, 07:10:25 AM »

Thankyou very much. I appreciate everyones help. I hope its ok if I put the correct symbol on the overall thread I think I'm up to icon 5. I believe that now that I have two approvals all I need is to be titled by an administrator. Is that correct?
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James Seabird

The only way you'll ever know how far you can go is to run.
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1536


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #39 on: April 09, 2011, 05:10:45 PM »

James, I think that Malexia asked if you had made your changes, and that if you had she would give you a second approval. You didn't seem to answer that question, but instead just went ahead and changed the icon.

Please only use icons 1 and 2, and leave the other icons to the moderators and administrators. It cuts down on the confusion if only those of us with yellow and red lines do things like that. :D It means that we aren't trying to track down if CDs have one or two approvals and so forth. For now, I've moved your icon back to the first approval, which is the correct one until you've confirmed you've made your changes. Please answer Malexia's question, and then I'm sure Malexia will happily give you a 2nd approval. After that one of us administrators will title you and archive your character.

EDIT: And ... how can we possibly know if you've made the changes that you've been asked to make? Apart from your headings, it is all the same colour. We always ask that people colour their changes (it is even asked for in the guide to character creations) ... then one of the people giving an approval or title asks that the editing colours are removed. It ultimately makes the lives of all of us as easy as possible.

Regards,

Dek
« Last Edit: April 09, 2011, 05:22:05 PM by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
James Seabird
The Runaway Pirate
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Gender: Male
Posts: 168


Human, Avennorian


« Reply #40 on: April 12, 2011, 06:29:31 AM »

I'm very sorry. I misunderstood. Yes, I have made all the indicated corrections. Practically all the changes that I made were grammatical in nature so I didn't bother to highlight them as any correcting I did was either adding punctuation deleting excess words. I did not mean to jump ahead and I apologize.
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James Seabird

The only way you'll ever know how far you can go is to run.
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1536


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #41 on: April 13, 2011, 05:32:55 AM »

Thank you for clarifying that, James. I've read through your CD, and I'm satisfied with all parts of it, nothing in it jumps out at me as being a problem, and so I'm going to give you a second approval. Congratulations. I'll see about getting you titled and archived (as you have no editting colours to remove and you can join a story). Thank you for your patience with us, and your cooperation.

Dek
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Deklitch Hardin
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #42 on: April 13, 2011, 05:40:22 AM »

And I worked out how to title you, James! Go me ... YAY! You are free to join a story now :D
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
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