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Author Topic: Mallayn Galnodren/Epheronian/Writer  (Read 4072 times)
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« on: October 07, 2010, 06:48:12 AM »

Name: Mallayn Galnodren

Gender: Female

Age: 20

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Occupation: Writer

Title: Searching Speaker

Overview: A traveling storyteller, Mallayn crosses country with her horse, River, searching for appreciative audiences and a place to call home. Always dissatisfied, she longs for the perfect town and family to call her own.

Appearance

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, and six nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 pygge, 8 hebs

Hair Color: adlemirene brown, very thick and long

Eye Color: herne green

Physical appearance: Plump, very fair and freckled all over. Her eyes are creased with laughter lines, although she is not very old.Her nose is round and turned up just a little. Her lips are rather full, and usually pursed—unless she is speaking, which happens rather often. Her slightly dark eyebrows help make her face very expressive. Her fingers are rather long and agile, though her nails are sadly uncared-for. She is not very muscular, but curvy, struggling a bit with staying in shape. She has rather wide hips (which she dislikes.)  She is not very striking in any way, but overall is pleasing. Having lived a sheltered life, she does not yet have any distinctive scars or tattoos, although she does have a heart-shaped freckle on her ankle, of which she is rather fond.

Clothing: When traveling, she wears a cloak of herne green with a heavy-duty woolen dress and leather bodice. For her stays in villages, she wears the same dress with a slightly nicer bodice. She carries a linen dress and patterned bodice with her for formal occasions, although these are few and far between. She always wears the necklace her mother gave her.

Personality
Mallayn is generally very stubborn and willful, tending to make up her mind and refuse to be swayed. She has very high principles, and sometimes looks down on those she feels are less principled. Often, she makes snap judgements on people's character, and she hates to be wrong. She can be overbearing, and some have even called her bossy, but she believes that if she's right, then it makes sense for everyone to listen to her.

Strengths
She is very expressive and good at communicating, which is a boon in her occupation.
She has unusually keen hearing, developed in the long hours spent in the quiet library of her family's home.
She is excellent at commanding people’s attention and persuading them to agree with her.
She is very knowledgeable about history and stories, holding many bits of trivia on other subjects in her head.
She is phenomenal at cooking, though she usually only cooks on the trail.
She is moderately good with her quarterstaff, though she has had no formal training.

Weaknesses
She does not always listen to others when they are talking.
She is greatly reluctant to admit when she is wrong.
She is afraid of enclosed spaces, to the point that she becomes jittery if she feels crowded by too many people. As she often must ply her trade in taverns, this is difficult.
She has often assumed the best about people, and was hurt when they let her down. Now she has gone to the other extreme, and assumes the worst and is bitterly satisfied when (she thinks) she gets it.
She often speaks without thinking, which has already gotten her in trouble several times.
She has an unreasonable need for perfection, which she will hopefully overcome.

History: Born to Landholder Dalar Galnodren and his wife Valannia, in the province of Vardynn, near Jernais, Mallayn lived a sheltered life her first thirteen years, spending most of her time exploring her home’s library and pestering the kitchen staff. At the age of thirteen, she decided that she wanted to be a scholar, and asked her parents to send her to the Lorehold. Shocked, her parents overreacted and told her that by no means could she go to any such school—it was unbecoming to a lady. Her father was so flabbergasted that he immediately went and signed her up for the Goutonch School for Ladies, only to be told that she was too old. When Mallayn found out, she was very hurt, and withdrew from her family. Her mother noticed this, and tryed to comfort her, but Mallayn coldly rebuffed her. When Valannia realized that she would not give in, she gave a necklace with a riverstone pendant and told her that, no matter what, she was always loved. If her father had let the matter go, she probably would have reconciled herself to her situation, but it became a sort of battle of wills between the two of them. Mallayn bided her time until her eighteenth birthday, when her father, attempting to make amends, took her to the Xara Horse Fair and allowed her to pick out a horse. She chose a dappled charcoal grey mare, which she named River. The next night she ran away and began her search for someone who would not let her down. During the past two years, she has traveled over the continent, telling stories in taverns and working in villages, trying to earn enough money to attend a school and looking for perfection. Her first few months were a bit of a shocker. She thought that everyone could read, and had principles, and all the things she totally took for granted. Her first adventure led to her being asked to leave the town after she insulted the innkeeper by asking, in a very audible tone of voice, "You can't read? I thought everyone could read!" She has since learned that there are times to keep your mouth shut. Although for the most part there is steady work, she has not been wise in stewardship of her money, so she has very little saved so far. Her early rage at her father has turned to an irrational bitterness, which she chooses not to acknowledge. In spite of her self-centeredness, she had a mostly happy childhood, and hopefully one day she will realize that.

Weapons: A quarterstaff, which doubles as her walking-stick.

Belongings:
A small writing desk, containing:
A few scrolls, some about history, one of mythology, and one mostly blank.
A quill pen
A bottle for mixing ink
A blotting-cloth
Two dresses
Four bodices
A cooking pot
A wooden comb
A pair of boots
A pair of slippers
A small tent
A necklace with a polished pebble from a river.
A finely woven blanket, a gift from one appreciative village.

Familiars: She has a dappled grey Rusik mare named River.
Appearance
Coat: dappled charcoal grey
Height: five fores
Hooves: Barsa Dusk
Mane:yealm beige

Personality
River is an intelligent but placid horse, almost the opposite to Mallayn's stubborn personality. She is Mallayn's only confidante, patient and forebearing. River would be content to stay in one place and rest, but she puts up with Mallayn's foibles.

Strengths: River is quick and sure-footed, and she is very aware of Mallayn at all times.

Weaknesses: She loves apples, and she has a distinct dislike for men--which is difficult when the stablehand is a boy!
« Last Edit: October 29, 2010, 08:52:53 AM by Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin » Logged

And you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2010, 05:57:05 AM »

Greetings Mallayn and welcome to the Dream. This type of character is not really my strength but I'll do my best to give some useful comments.

The first thing that stands out to me is how your character has spent one third of her life traveling through taverns and towns, dealing in stories and encountering all forms of the world's cruel realities, and yet she is still considered sheltered. This does not add up unless she has spent all of her time with nobility and rich folk who have that lovely pink tint of "I receive everything I think I deserve" hanging in the air around them.

Continuing that train of thought, one must assume she is living within a determinedly opaque bubble of naivety, seeing as she has not yet gotten over the tantrum she threw at age thirteen. I would definitely like to see some degree of character development between the disappointed child who didn't get her way and the well-traveled woman who has made a life on her own for nearly a decade.

Second thing that stands out is the School of Ames; main problem being that it’s located on an entirely different continent, Nybelmar. And Nybelmar to Santharia, as it was described to me, is like the New World to Europe. Assuming she did hear about it all the way in Vardýnn, which is unlikely, her parents had every logical reason to say no.

Thirdly, why does she feel the need to secretly wear men’s breeches? Is she trying to prove something?

That’s it from me for now. :)

~Faio~
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2010, 07:17:11 AM »

First of all, thank you for pointing these things out to me. I am new to this universe, so I will probably slip up occasionally. Thank you for helping me.
Now, to address the issues.
I thought I had addressed this, so it would be helpful if you would quote to show me my mistake, but the thrust of the history is that she had been sheltered. She was severely shocked when she left her shelter, which is why she is so bitter. Concerning her character development, I would like to point out that she IS only twenty seven, but you are right, she is being rather immature. However, this was the main reason for her existence when she came into being in my head. I am not sure what I can do to fix this, and when I wrote it, it seemed imminently credible that people would act like this. (I know these people personally.) It was her largest flaw. I may write more information into her history tonight when I have time. If you have suggestions, I would appreciate them.
You are right about the school; I have changed that, in yellowfor your convenience.
Also, the breeches were a holdover from her earliest incarnation. I have removed them.
Thank you, once again, for being so helpful.
If I sounded defensive or rude, I am sorry, and will try to do better.
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Mallayn Galnodren
Fu Luft
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« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2010, 02:54:20 AM »

Hi Mallayn,

Welcome to Santharia from me, too! I see you’ve got the pencil icon up, and are still working on revisions after Faio’s comments, but I thought I’d chip in anyway. There are quite a few things I like about this CD. For one, within the fantasy genre few characters are chubby, and those that are, are usually in the story for comic effect. It’s heart-warming to see a serious heroine with a realistic figure! Also, you’ve put some nice Santharian details in, such as the Goutonch School for Ladies – well done!

Now, some comments:

Personality Section: Well, you currently don’t have one – but it’s mandatory, and should appear between “Clothing” and “Strengths and Weaknesses”. For example, the Personality Section would give you a chance to expand a bit on the aspects of Mallayn’s character that you hint at in your ‘Strengths & Weaknesses’-Section.


History Section: You tell us relatively little about Mallayn’s life on the road. A lot can happen in nine years! Has she made no friends? Any adventures? How come she still persists with the difficult life as a travelling story-teller, when after nine years she still obviously hasn’t made enough money to pay her way into Lorehold University? You don’t need to write a novel in the History Section, but maybe you could explain what events have led Mallayn to become distrustful (as you say under Weaknesses, she now ‘assumes the worst of people’), into what kind of trouble she got by speaking without thinking, etc. etc.
  Another idea I had, but it’s just a suggestion: you could also make your character younger, and play her as, say, a 20-year-old who is just starting out as a travelling writer. That would also be an intriguing role to play, I think, and would mean that you’d have to write less History. But it’s up to you!

Familiar: You could tell us a bit more about River. What breed is she? How old? And what is the relationship between her and Mallayn? Also, if the horse has any special abilities (fast? Good endurance?) or character foibles (stubborn? A weakness for sweets? Afraid of cats?), we should know.
   A good example of a description of Familiars is in Royce’s CD. For horse breeds to choose from, see the Horses Overview.

...Your name: I’d be consistent in the spelling – sometimes you say Mallayn, at other times Malláyn. In general, the accents are associated with elven language, I think, so they wouldn’t typically be used in human names. But it’s up to you.


... and finally:
Quote
Tribe: Epheronian
It’s Erpheronian


I hope this helps! Overall, I think this is already a good CD, and I hope you'll persist, get it approved, and play Mallayn in a story soon.

Good luck,

Fu
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« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2010, 05:58:18 AM »

PS: And when you're done with your changes, don't forget to change the icon to "exclamation mark", and to make a short post in this thread saying "I'm ready for more comments" to alert the commenters!  :)
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2010, 10:32:25 PM »

Ready for comments... Here I am!
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2010, 03:51:43 AM »

Hello Mallayn, and welcome to Santharia.

There's one thing that jumped out at me when I read (or, to be more exact, skimmed) through your CD; not all your changes have been marked out with colour. Small things such as spelling changes are okay to leave without colour, but major changes (such as improvements on your appearance, history, personality, etc sections) should be coloured.

Another thing is that your Familiars section should be... like a mini-CD within a CD, complete with a personality/temperament section, as well as appearance and history.

That's all from me.
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2010, 04:20:11 AM »

Where would River have come from?
I am having trouble finding information about the training, buying and selling of horses in this universe. Any helpful links?
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Mallayn Galnodren
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2010, 04:52:20 AM »

Hi and welcome to Santharia, Mallayn.

I'm going to see if I can assist you with your query about a location of your horse. I've provided you with links to specific entries from the compendium and also with quotes from entries in the hope that can help you further.You may need to read through the entries yourself to see if there is anything further useful contained in them.

From the Territory section of the Rusik Horse Entry, I found the following:

Quote
Territory. The Rusik are now found all over the Sarvonian continent. But they are bred and raised only in the Steppe of Kruswik and its surrounding environs

This puts them in Xaramon province, and in particular in the lands of the former Kyranian Kingdom. Which happens to be an area I'm interested in. :D

In that area, there is a town/city called Horth and in the overview on that entry, I read

Quote
The city of Horth is a small town of about 2500 people and best known for its wines, especially the delicate Chéniar wine. Also, every three years it is host to the Xara Horse Auction.

It is also described as being

Quote
surrounded by the Steppe of Kruswik.

So, Horth might fit what you need quite well. Of course, it might be an idea to include in your history a brief journey/visit to Horth coinciding with the horse auction.

I hope that helps you, Mallayna.
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #9 on: October 24, 2010, 06:13:48 AM »

Ready again...I think. I'm trying. Sigh!
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2010, 03:58:31 PM »

Mallayn, I know you are trying :)

Everyone's first CD is a difficult one, as at that stage we are learning the world, and learning how to fit our ideas in with the world. The most important things are ...

1) You ask questions if you don't understand something ...

2) You take into account suggestions of commenters/moderators when revising your CD ... and make changes as requested or explain why the way you've written your CD is important and that writing the other way would destroy the integrity of the character ...

3) You ask questions if you don't understand something ...

4) You colour your changes so that commenters/moderators can see the changes made ...

5) You ask questions if you don't understand something ...

In case you don't pick it up ... I consider the asking of questions to be rather important. :D

You've been doing 1 - 5 of my list above, so here, have a few bunnies :)  Pet  Pet  Pet  Pet  Pet  Pet  Pet

I won't have time today for a read through of your full CD, or tomorrow, but after that, I should be able to do so for you, but it is looking good, and I can see the work you're putting into your CD.

Dek
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« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2010, 07:23:21 PM »

Ready again...I think. I'm trying. Sigh!

I am very happy with the changes you made in response to my comments, and I particularly like your description of your horse!

Quote
She was  She is Mallayn's only confidante, patient and forebearing.
... although you'll probably want to delete "She was" in that sentence...


I think this is now a good CD, Mallayn. However, I'm not a moderator, and therefore unable to give approvals. But I see that Deklitch is on the case already, so you are in good hands!

Good luck,

Fu

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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2010, 05:42:08 AM »

Thank you! I fixed my grammatical/negligence error.
 Thanks!
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« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2010, 02:30:00 PM »

Mallayn,

Although I agree with Fu in the respect that your CD is great, I have to say that your Familiars section isn't split into subsections. It was compulsory to do so when my own CD was being approved, and I think that it is still. Do attend to this minor set back and I think you'd be ready for an approval! ;)

Rid(gen)
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #14 on: October 25, 2010, 09:13:53 PM »

Modified and awaiting comments!
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