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Author Topic: Ergolach Flowerdew/Erpheronian/Bard  (Read 7487 times)
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Ergolach Flowerdew
Erratic Bard
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« on: October 29, 2010, 07:18:59 AM »

Name: Ergolach Flowerdew

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Birthday: 13th of Changing Winds

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Occupation: Bard

Title: Erratic Bard

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 3 nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 pygge, 5 hebs

Hair colour: ink black

Eyes: eophran brown

Appearance:
Ergolach is quite tall and slender, sinewy and light-footed. His black hair are shoulder-long and wavy, his brown eyes are sort of shiny and he screws them up quite often. He has tanned skin, thin moustache and a tuft of hair under the lower lip. His cheek bones are very distinctive, his nose is long and straight. He has a domed forehead, thin and angled eyebrows, prominent ears, lips which form the omnipresent surreptitious smile and a heart-shaped chin.

Clothing:
His clothing is usually coordinated in tones of karikrimson and aerullin red. He wears a tight-fitting linen shirt with long sleeves, close-bodied cow leather pants, leather belt and a long wool cloak with a hood which he hasn't raised if it isn't necessary. There are big round copper earrings in his ears, he also wears a couple of pinchbeck rings and a goldenrod velvet scarf around his neck. His boots are made of leather and have pointed foreparts.

Personality:
Almost everything that he does he does for fun and enjoyment. To be bored is what he hates the most. Often he follows his momentary whims. He's mostly calm but sometimes he gets mad without a reason when nobody expects it usually because of drunkenness or fatigue which may happen every time he doesn't get his ten hours of sleep. He's more of a pessimist, total nihilist and also a little bit cynical.

He's irresponsible and has no sense for duty, he likes to manipulate with other people, to cheat on them and to lie to them. He does it just for fun – he doesn't want to enrich himself or to harm someone. He is quite negligent. He cares about his appearance very much.

He's careless and he doesn't fear death but this totally changes when he's hurt or thinks he's in real danger. He is able to dauntlessly plunge into the fight and then to run away quickly when he feels like it.
He's nonchalant, tolerant and forbearing, open to different opinions but also very selfish, avaricious and ignorant to other people's needs.

He can be so courteous that many people may find him charming and very debonair for quite a long time. He has strong sense of humour (malevolent & sarcastic) and he can be also quite arrogant. He enjoys talking but doesn't like to speak of himself. His voice is low-pitched and delicate.
He is absolutely heterodox in every sense. His freethiking and rebellious spirit can give offense to some people. In addition Ergolach opposes all authorities and laws. He would never kill an innocent being and he would never betray his friends (if it weren't necessary for him to stay alive). His own freedom is one of the most important values for him but he doesn't care about freedom of others.

He is lascivious and often even a little immodest, looking for adventures with both men and women.

He doesn't believe in any gods - mostly because he thinks that religion is a tool for bounding people's freedom and partly because his strong believe that there is no real meaning of life - but he's tolerant to beliefs of others (even when he laughs at them sometimes).

He likes to sing and whistle, quite often he touches other people without any reason. He loves alcohol, gambling and good food and he is interested in folk lore, mythology and poetry.

Strengths:

Speechcraft: He can speak very well. His elocution helps him with ingratiating into someone's confidence or convincing most people to do flavours for him. It can give him advantage when haggling which is just another type of game for him. It's more effective when talking to one particular person but Ergolach can impressively speak to a bigger group as well.
He can't persuade people to believe what they don't want to believe or to convince them to do something they don't want to do at all but most people are willing to believe that he's nice guy even when they almost don't know him. He speaks only Tharian.

Lockpicking: Ergolach isn't a master thief but he can pick most types of ordinary locks when given enough time.

Pickpocketing: Again, he isn't a master thief. He can quite easily steal from unsuspecting people in the crowd and this is also the way how he can get some money quite fast but basically it would be rather difficult for him to steal from someone who has more money and expects that they could be picked.

Dancing: He is good at various styles of solo country dancing which is also part of his performance sometimes but he knows the basics of some couple dances as well.

Playing the lute: As a lute player, Ergolach is virtually a self-taught person and he isn't as good as educated musicians. He has a wide repertoire and he can play many types of songs from emotional ballads to larky drinking songs.

Writing and reciting: Ergolach's poems are long lyrical pieces with emphasis on onomatopoeia or epic ones. Most of the latter ones are based on folk tales and myths Ergolach heard somewhere but some of them he completely made up. He also knows by heart some poems he didn't write. The problem with his poems is that they mostly don't express any sincere emotions and that makes them a little bit banal in comparison with some great lyrical poetry.

Street fighter: Fist-to-fist, Ergolach would beat most people – even the ones who look stronger than him – thanks to his reflexes and sleight but he couldn't face an armed foe.

Swordplay: He is able to use his rapier and dagger together. He wouldn't be able to defeat average trained and skilled swordsman or strong warrior but still, he can be quite a tough foe for those who just use their weapons without training. While fighting with the sword, he also uses his skills in both dancing and fist-to-fist fighting.

Weaknesses:

Alcoholism: Ergolach is addicted to alcohol although he says that he isn't. When he's too drunk, he gets irascible and tends to insult people but usually there's no perceivable change in his personality. He just gets slower in both moving and thinking, and his reflexes get worse. He prefers wine. Although he never feels the need to get really drunk, it happens more or less once per week.

Gambling: He loves to play card and dice games but he isn't choosy when it comes to games of hazard. He also likes to bet on anything just for fun and excitement even when there's a little chance he could win.

Phobic fear of water: He fears water and he's even scared when it's raining. In the rain he just isn't able to stay outside and when he has to, he suffers from full-pledged panic attacks. The most probable cause of this fear is that he almost drowned when he was a child.

Phobic fear of wild animals: He fears most non-domestic animals, especially foxes and wolves, and also some domestic ones, especially dogs. It's because he was almost killed by a wolf in Goltherlon Forest. He tries to avoid any contact with animals he fears and although he knows that his fear is largely irrational, he is able to run away in panic when he sees them paradoxically even when it can provoke them to attack him. He avoids to travel in the forests.

Flat singing: His voice isn't displeasing but he just sings flat. He doesn't realise it or, to be more accurate, doesn't want to realise it. Sometimes it means losing customers for him.

Need of sleep: He needs at least ten hours of sleep per night to function normally. If he doesn't sleep enough, he feels dizzy, his muscles ache and hands shiver, he yawns a lot and is easily irritable.

Bad back: He can carry a third of a normal person's comfortable load because of a lingering back problem which he's had since he was heavily beaten in Marcogg. Due to this, he also isn't able to dance for a longer time.

Pain intolerant: He has a low pain tolerance. When he feels bigger pain (for example when he is so wounded that he bleeds and so on) he may faint. Usually he rouses up quite quickly.


History:
Ergolach was born in the city of Nyermersys. His father Normin is a wealthy merchant and he wanted Ergolach to become merchant as well. Ergolach's mother Aeriga comes from a noble family and many people – including Ergolach – think that Normin married her only because of prestige and money.

Normin is a strict and humorless man. He cares only about money and work. He never listens to other people and doesn't even want to understand anyone. For most of the time he wasn't at home.
Aeriga is a bloodless woman who loves literature but didn't care much about her son. However, the library which was full of interesting books because of Aeriga, was one of Ergolach's favourite places of the house as he read most of the books that were there. At 13 he also wrote his first poems which were just variations of what he read.
Ergolach had private tutors to educate him in fields of religion, etiquette, business but also classical literature due to his mother's interests. Ergolach spent most of his time in company of servants partly because his parents didn't pay attention to him. He listened to the stories they were telling and to the songs they were singing and this influenced him a lot. The servants also taught him the basics of lute playing. Another thing he liked was picking locks in his family's house and also making trips to town when his parents didn't know and picking pockets of people in the streets. These things he perceived as a fun game.

When he was 15 years old, he had a romantic relationship with Colinn, a chambermaid who was 20 years old.
At 19 he decided to run away from home because he was scared that he would have to become a merchant. He was convinced that being a merchant would mean life of tedium.

Ergolach condemns his parents partly because they didn't even try to search for him. They didn't hope they could find him and especially Normin wasn't interested in searching form him because he ceased from believing that his son could become a good merchant which was the only thing he wanted Ergolach for.

For a couple of months he lived in the streets of Nyermersys as a thief and busker. He wrote his first own poems and songs and started to drink heavily. He also took part in a lot of gambling and street fighting. Once he got caught when he was stealing at the marketplace. He escaped and he decided to run away from the Nyermersys.

Ergolach decided to travel by foot and all by himself from Nyermersys to Voldar. He again started to make money by busking and stealing. In a card game in one pub he won an iron dagger. He has learned a lot of folk songs he didn't know before while he was spending time in pubs. In Voldar he met Hjalen, a fleshy Avennorian girl who made her money as a street dancer and occassional prostitute. Hjalen fell in love with Ergolach and he – as he would say – quite liked her. They had a sexual relationship and also performed together quite successfully. After short time they moved to Jernais where they didn't stand for more than a few weeks and then they travelled to Elsreth. In Goltherlon Forest, they were attacked by a wolf. They managed to drive him away but Ergolach was very badly wounded. They got to a settlement of Golgnomes where they had to stay until Ergolach recovered. After that they have been together to Elsreth, Yorick, Kor Mithrid and Tyr Ethran. In Tyr Ethran Hjalen left Ergolach because he didn't want to marry her and settle down.

He travelled by himself to Marcogg where he among other things tried to make money as a wrestler but he got heavily beaten for a couple of times. He stayed in Marcogg almost for a year.

When he travelled from Marcogg to Chrondra, he encountered the Black Butterfly Rovers who taught him many songs and tales as well as handling the rapier he had been carrying for a long time without knowing how to use it properly. It's quite uncommon but he has left the group after two years just because he felt like changing his ways a little bit. However, there was no hatred and Ergolach feels that many Rovers are still his friends.

Currently, Ergolach travels alone looking for thrill and pleasure.

Weapons:
Rapier: Ergolach posseses a rapier with a leather covered hand-guard. This weapon is one of the things he took from home.
Dagger: He also uses an iron dagger, mostly as a accessory weapon in left hand.

Belongings:
Lute
Three picklocks
Two quill pens and ink
Big journal with writings
Three shirts
Two pairs of pants
Leather boots
A cloak
Two cheap earrings
Five cheap rings
A goldenrod scarf
A leather bag
A leather belt
« Last Edit: November 15, 2010, 08:57:20 AM by Kalína Mërénwèn » Logged

Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2010, 07:26:10 AM »

Just a quick tip--you are supposed to change your username to your character name.
Best of luck!
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2010, 02:18:30 PM »

Hello, Ergolach! Welcome to Santharia! I suggest that you split up the bricks of text you have through out the CD, to make it easier for us to view. When that's done, I will comment more on your CD.
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Ergolach Flowerdew
Erratic Bard
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2010, 05:47:23 PM »

Thank you...
Is it OK now?
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
Leif Terskun
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2010, 06:08:59 PM »

I second what Ridgen said, with the addition of my pet peeve - could you have a more interesting title than "Bard"? Please? An adjective? Just look at most titles - they are more gripping. Tell us about your character. Until your CD is easier to comment on in general, I can't help you there. I could give suggestions when I know your character, but until the issue raised by Ridgen is fixed it will be hard. "Cynical Singer"? (Sorry, just saw, you can't sing. Still.) "Sarcastic Cynic"? Any ideas of your own will probably be better - you KNOW this person, intimately.

Good luck

Leif Terskun

Ok, so you fixed it while I was posting. I will leave my original post as a matter of principle, and also mention that now we can see your personality as a bit list-like. Make it more of a paragraph or two.

Also, the S&W section needs a bit of work. Separate sections for each one, and a paragraph's explanation, are mandatory. Or at least a sentence each.

And your history is too short. It needs sections and detail.

But better now. Much better. Perhaps more will be forthcoming this evening.
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Leif Terskun
Ergolach Flowerdew
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2010, 06:16:18 PM »

Thank you very much. I'm going to take a look at it.
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
Ergolach Flowerdew
Erratic Bard
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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2010, 07:29:29 PM »

I've tried to do something with strenghts and weaknesses but I still don't know what should I add to 'History' section. Thank you for advices.
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
Valan Nonesuch
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« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2010, 11:13:11 PM »

@Leif: Constructive Criticism has two parts to it. Criticism ("your history is too short") and Constructive (where you help them build to fix the points of the criticism). As is, your comments seem to lack the "constructive" part with alarming frequency. It does help people if you provide suggestions to fix the problems you now. fish


@Ergolach: since this is your CD I suppose I should help out.

Your character is 26 years old. You've travelled across the Rahaz-Dath, through innumbrable other places. Even if you've only been abroad for seven years, you should be able to depict the journey, where has Ergolach performed? Has he improved his skills or repetoire? Love, loss, near misses with the authorities? Has he rambled with the Rovers at all? What we really want to know through the history section are the answers to questions like where has he been? Who has he been? What has he done and seen? most people could fill a page with less than seven years if you put your mind to it, and their lives might not be especially interesting or fraught with travels.

Cyradin and Raworaan are two other well written travelling characters
Same goes for Jenna.
Pline is an older character of mine that resembles yours a little, I'd suggest you read through these and maybe take a few notes? It never hurts. I've never been one for especially long histories, but you really do need more here.

One minor point. Sophronia doesn't exist any more. It is/was one of the ancient kingdoms that eventually sort of fused to make the United Kingdom of Santharia. Saying you were going to Sophronia is a little like saying you're going to visit Babylon, or the USSR.

Here is a map of the kingdom as a whole, and this is the map which shows Sophronia/Serpheloria. However This map shows the modern arrangment of provinces. Serpheloria/Sophronia is a part of the Sanguian province, where the kingdom's capital city, New-Santhala, sits. Sadly, New-Santhala doesn't have an entry. However, to get there, Ergolach might have gone through Manthria which has it's own very detailed map (sadly we don't have more like that one).

The strengths and weaknesses are still a little on the sparse side, but they seem balanced. You could do with a little more flesh there I think. You've done a good job with the personality, it's a section some people find difficult. It's written sort of like a list now. It's a stylistic quibble, but it's always nice when things flow a little better. Right now, you've got different bits of the personality sections broken up. Try to string a few together into a larger paragraph.

@Lief (again) sort of like that ^
« Last Edit: October 29, 2010, 11:17:55 PM by Valan Nonesuch » Logged

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« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2010, 11:20:25 PM »

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am going to take a look at it.  :)
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2010, 12:50:07 AM »

Name: Ergolach

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Occupation: Bard

Title: Erratic Bard

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 3 nailsbreadths, 2 grains

Hair colour: dark black

Eyes: eophran brown

Appearance:
Ergolach is quite tall and slender. His black hair are moderately long and wavy, his brown eyes are narrow and there is a strange light in them. He has tanned skin, thin moustache and a goatee. His cheek bones are very distinctive, his nose is big and straight and he has a domed forehead. His voice is low-pitched and delicate.

Clothing:
His clothing is usually coordinated in tones of karikrimson and aerullin red. He wears a shirt with long sleeves, close-bodied pants and a long cloak with a cape which he hasn't on if it isn't necessary. There are big round earrings from some cheap metal in his eyes,Eyes? This is confusing. he also wears a couple of pinchbeck rings and a necklet.

Personality:
Almost everything that he does he does for fun and enjoyment. To be bored is what he hates the most. Often he follows his momentary whims. He's mostly calm but sometimes he gets mad without a reason when nobody expects it.Why? He's more of a pessimist, total nihilist and also a little bit cynical.

He's irresponsible and has no sense for duty, he likes to manipulate with other people, to cheat on them and to lie to them. He does it just for fun – he doesn't want to enrich himself or to harm someone. On the one hand he's very negligent but he cares about his appearance very much.

He's careless and he doesn't fear death but this totally changes when he's hurt or thinks he's in real danger.
He's nonchalant, tolerant and forbearing, open to different opinions but also very selfish, avaricious and ignorant to other people's needs.

People mostly like him – he is courteous, many people find him charming and he has strong sense of humour (malevolent & sarcastic) but he can be also quite arrogant. He likes to speak but he doesn't like to speak about himself.

He is absolutely heterodox in every sense.Nice use of the word heterodox. His freethought and rebellious spirit can give offense to some people. In addition Ergolach opposes all authorities and laws. He would never kill an innocent being and he would never betray his friends (if it wasn't necessary for him to stay alive). His own freedom is one of the most important values for him but he doesn't care about freedom of others.

He is a bisexual but he prefers women and especially elvish ones. He is lascivious and barefaced.

He is a complete atheist but he's tolerant to beliefs of others (even when he laughs at them sometimes).

He likes to sing and whistle, quite often he touches other people without any reason. He loves alcohol, gambling and good food.

Strenghts:

Speechcraft
(He can speak very well, to convince people to do what he wants them to do, to ingratiate himself etc.)

Lockpicking
(He is moderately good at picking locks.)

Pickpocketing
(He's also good at pickpocketing.)

Throwing knives
(This is what he uses both as a combat method and part of his performing.)

Juggling
(He can for example juggle with apples and draw attention of people.)

Dancing
(He's a very good dancer.)

Playing the lute
(He's quite a good lute player.)

Writing and reciting
(He is an above-average poet.)

Street fighter
(He's quite good at fighting without weapons.)

Weaknesses:

Alcoholism
(He spends lot of money on alcohol. When he's drunk, all his qualities get worse.)

Gambling
(He can easily play away a lot of money, he agrees on detrimental bets just for fun etc.)

Phobic fear of water
(He fears water. This complicates his ability to travel and to stay outside because of the rain and it means he can't swim.)

Phobic fear of wild animals
(He fears wild animals. This complicates his ability to travel in open nature.)

Flat singing
(Often he sings flat. He's not really bad singer but in contrasts with his other musical skills and the worst thing is he doesn't accept this fact.)

Need of sleep
(He needs more sleep than a normal person to function normally.)

Bad back
(He can't carry much because of a lingering back problem.)

Pain intolerant
(He has a low pain threshold. He's likely to fall unconscious whenever he takes some real damage.)


History:
He was born to a merchant family in Strata. His father Normin is very wealthy. Normin has no sense of humour, he doesn't understand other people and he cares only about money and work. Normin's wife – and Ergolach's mother – Aeriga belongs to a noble family and Normin married her only because of money she got. Ergolach spent his childhood in a big house on the coast and he had many servants around himself.

He had a couple of private tutors who educated him in fields of religion, etiquette and business but he started to be interested in art and jugglery. He became friends with some younger servants and he also had his first (and de facto only) romantical relationship with a chambermaid Colinn. He was 15 years old and she was 20.

He escaped from home when he was 18 because he feared the vision of being a merchant and because his parents didn't care about him anyway. He started to make money as a busker and juggler in Strata. He had to flee from the city when he was caught stealing on marketplace.

He decided to go to Sophronia. There he lived for three years making money as a pickpocket, busker and juggler and spending them with prostitutes, alcohol and gambling.

After that time he met Rukariam, young Serphelorian female pilferer with whom he had a sexual relationship. They travelled together to north of Serpheloria where he decided to leave her and to travel alone.

Weapons:
Nine throwing knives
Iron dagger

Belongings:
Lute
Three picklocks
Two quill pens
Big journal with writings
Three shirts
Two pairs of pants
Leather boots


I just had a couple of questions here. Keep up the good work.
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Mallayn Galnodren
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« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2010, 01:19:43 AM »

Oh... eyes! of course I meant ears.  :)
I started to work on the history section, I'll hopefully upload it tomorrow.
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2010, 08:01:58 AM »

Hi and welcome from me as well, Ergolach.

As you are currently working on this, I'll change your icon to a pencil so that people know not that you are making changes and not to make further comments until you have finished making your changes.

Please make sure you colour major changes/edits/additions for us. Minor changes like correcting spelling and grammar mistakes do not need to be coloured. When you are ready for more comments, change the icon back to the ! and make a brief note in this thread asking for more comments.

Dek
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Leif Terskun
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« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2010, 09:00:38 AM »

@Valan: Perhaps the lack of "Constructive" you perceive stems from a) My lack of time, b) The fact that I tend to end up commenting on new CDs, where all I can say is what is wrong - if I suggested how to fix it, I might just write his history for him, and c) Your misreading of my comments. As it is, you appear to have missed the fact that I offered more, perchance, this evening, as well as the fact that I have said what needs to be done to fix each problem. Can I choose his title? Could my asking him to respace the paragraphing have been more helpful - should I have done it for him? On the personality you said what I said, just as a person with the luxury of not having to go to Cambridge with his mother in five minutes time.

I'm sorry if this has seemed a little aceedic, but I take exception to being told that comments I make on CDs that, as often as not, have not received any comments from mods or mini-mods, in which I tell new members how their CDs should be laid out and try to tell them what the problems are in general, before the specifics, are not up to scratch or constructive.

Since this is supposed to be Ergolach's thread, and despite the fact that I'm ten minutes on the wrong side of midnight, I'm going to offer the promised comments now.

@Ergolach: Sorry for that little disagreement. I'm going to tackle your S&Ws here, because although they are better they could still use work. It's one of the things that is really very important for the mechanics of the RP, as you can understand. The deadly scarlet of angry passion will be the ink in which I bathe my quill.
Quote
Strenghts:This is just a typo - fair enough. "Strengths" is the correct spelling.

Speechcraft
(He can speak very well, to convince people to do what he wants them to do, to ingratiate himself etc.)I would suggest not using parentheses in your CD unless vital. I think they spoil flow and look lazy. I would suggest rewriting this one, for example, as:

Speechcraft: He can speak very well. His pleasing turn of phrase means that he can convince most people to do favours for him, or ingratiate himself easily into someone's confidence.

Does it give him an advantage when, say, haggling? Can he get cheaper goods? Does it extend to larger groups, or is it more personal? You might like to see my CD (in my sig.) Sorry: My CD, which is in my sig., for a, if I do say so myself, fairly well-done orator - a distinctly public speaker, but comfortable generally. What I'm driving at is that would he be good with crowds? Your current formulation gives no indication.

Also, how good is he? Can he persuade people that the Disc is round and black is white? Or that 1+1=3? Or just that he's a nice guy, even though you've only known him for a minute?


Lockpicking
(He is moderately good at picking locks.) As with the first one, I don't like brackets. This is my stylistic prejudice, and I'm not going to ban it. But you could be more precise. In my circle of friends, I'm average skill at picking locks - we're all clueless. "Moderately" skilled compared to whom? A master thief? Or a bumbling nincompoop who can't tie a shoelace? Give some indication of what he could do - could he pick the lock on a wealthy merchant's counting room? Or just the front door of a cheapskate pauper?

Pickpocketing
(He's also good at pickpocketing.)Formulation - last time I'll say it, I think you get the point by now. Ditto, how good? Unsuspecting country bumpkins or alert merchants who wear a purse under their tunic/whatever? Can he make a living from this? Or not?

Throwing knives
(This is what he uses both as a combat method and part of his performing.)How far can he throw, and to what degree of accuracy? Could he, say, hit a quill at five peds? Or a hat at ten? As before, say precisely what this entails.

Juggling
(He can for example juggle with apples and draw attention of people.)This is fairly good, but why apples? Can he juggle knives? Is it three-, four-, five-, or more-ball juggling? Could he juggle knives and then throw them one by one all around a person? (Hint: That's very hard. This could be quite tricky to master, and leave you the problem of where you found time for everything else)

Dancing
(He's a very good dancer.) Ok. Solo or couples? Court styles or country dancing? Ballet style with splits? Is it part of his performances?

Playing the lute
(He's quite a good lute player.) Again, how good it quite good? Is it just part of his act, as a bard?

Writing and reciting
(He is an above-average poet.) Good enough for whom, would this be? What kind of poetry is it? Longer odes, or just short comic ditties?

Street fighter
(He's quite good at fighting without weapons.) I assume he's not going to stop an armed enemy/ Are you just saying that he could beat most people fist-to-fist? These need to be stated, for a combat strength.

Weaknesses:

Alcoholism
(He spends lot of money on alcohol. When he's drunk, all his qualities get worse.) So this bankrupts him, and make him what? Belligerent? Angry? Melancholy? Which "qualities" - wrong word, perhaps? - get worse? This could use elaboration. Is he addicted, or does he just like the taste? Is he one of the ones who says "I can stop any time I like"?

Gambling
(He can easily play away a lot of money, he agrees on detrimental bets just for fun etc.) Please don't use "etc.". Say "and so on" or "and the like" instead. Modern abbreviations seem to jar. This is another money wasting weakness, yes? What does he bet on? Anything, just for the thriil?

Phobic fear of water
(He fears water. This complicates his ability to travel and to stay outside because of the rain and it means he can't swim.) This is good. A seriously irrational phobia or water, to th point he is scared of rain, is a nice substantial weakness. However, not being able to swim is not a weakness. Just so you know - most people can't swim, I believe. Correct me if I am wrong, anyone. This is of course in Snatharia, not Terra.

Phobic fear of wild animals
(He fears wild animals. This complicates his ability to travel in open nature.) Another good phobia, I like it. But does this include any non-domestic animal? Or just larger ones? And why does he have these phobias? Perhaps a near-drowning, or a drowed relative, and a bad experience with a...fox?...at a young age? Could he have been badly scared during a long journey by a bear?

Flat singing
(Often he sings flat. He's not really bad singer but in contrasts with his other musical skills and the worst thing is he doesn't accept this fact.) Quite a good one for a bard. Is he forced to rely on poems and tales, or does he carry on without realising and lose customers?

Need of sleep
(He needs more sleep than a normal person to function normally.) How much more? Ten hours per night, or nine? Why is this? This could use some expansion in general terms. What ill effects does it cause him? Grumpiness? Valanitis (just my little joke, forgive me. I get flippant with tiredness)?

Bad back
(He can't carry much because of a lingering back problem.) Interesting. What was it caused by? Did he have a fall when young? Or overexert himself in some of his dancing? My dad did that with gymnastics, and damaged it badly. But how much is "much"? Half a normal person's comfortable load? A third or a quarter? At the moment it is unclear.

Pain intolerant
(He has a low pain threshold. He's likely to fall unconscious whenever he takes some real damage.) I don't know whether this happens. I think pain and falling unconscious are generally discrete problems - unless he faints from pain? How serious is it? A gashed leg or a twisted ankle? And how hard is he to rouse?

Well, that's all from me. I hope Valan is satisfied, but more importantly I hope it was vaguely helpful to you, Ergolach.

Good morning.

Leif Terskun

Ok. Dek changed you to a pencil. Well, I didn't sit a computer for fifty minutes to delete my comments. You may have them, and I hope that they redeem my lack of "Constructive".

Leif.
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Leif Terskun
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« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2010, 10:06:49 AM »

Thank you for the time you have spent in making these useful comments on Ergolach's comments, Leif. Ergolach, Leif makes very good points on your strengths and weaknesses here, please make changes to address his comments/questions/suggestions to you, and don't forgot to colour your changes.

As a moderator of this board, I can assure you that the help and time that you and Ridgen and others spend on providing helpful comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.  Thanks!

And regarding the business of posting after my changing it back to pencil ...  It's ok. It's ok. Trust me Trust me

Dek
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« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2010, 12:54:57 AM »

From the personality section of your CD:
Quote
He is absolutely heterodox in every sense. His freethought and rebellious spirit can give offense to some people. In addition Ergolach opposes all authorities and laws. He would never kill an innocent being and he would never betray his friends (if it wasn't necessary for him to stay alive). His own freedom is one of the most important values for him but he doesn't care about freedom of others.

The bit in red should be written thus:

Quote
(if it weren't necessary for him to stay alive)

It is a peculiarity of the English language. The conditional, I think, or the subjunctive? In any case, we only have it for "To be" and it is always "were". "If I was..." - wrong; "If I were" - right.
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