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Author Topic: Ergolach Flowerdew/Erpheronian/Bard  (Read 8613 times)
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Ergolach Flowerdew
Erratic Bard
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« Reply #15 on: October 31, 2010, 07:33:54 AM »

Thank you very much for your suggestions.
I've remade the s&w section and also the history which is completely different now (I even changed the place of Ergolach's birth). I'm still not sure if the history looks like it should so I welcome any critic.
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
Leif Terskun
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« Reply #16 on: October 31, 2010, 04:34:22 PM »

Thanks - the S&W section looks a lot better to me. People can judge his strengths and work out if he's balanced or not. The history is good in giving his life story, although some people would like a bit more detail. That's quite a personal preference.

I like the new title - it seems to sum him up well to me!

Generally good. If I have more time tonight I'll look at whether you're balanced or not, but that's quite a fine call, and the mods may disagree with me.

Just a single quibble - could you colour all changes, except little grammatical ones? I couldn't, for example, see whether you'd changed your title at first glance.

Leif.
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Leif Terskun
Ergolach Flowerdew
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« Reply #17 on: October 31, 2010, 07:33:10 PM »

Thank you. I've coloured the title. I hope I didn't forget any other changes...
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #18 on: November 01, 2010, 02:26:19 AM »

Although i may not be able to do this but don't you think it should be "lockpicks" instead of "picklocks"?
« Last Edit: November 01, 2010, 04:15:11 AM by Zarkin » Logged

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Ergolach Flowerdew
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« Reply #19 on: November 01, 2010, 04:36:53 AM »

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/picklock  :)
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #20 on: November 01, 2010, 05:23:59 AM »

oh ok sorry i wasn't aware of that, my error ;)
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« Reply #21 on: November 01, 2010, 03:52:03 PM »

Hello Ergolach! I'm back from school and ready to comment! Ready for the orange critic's, er... correction pen? Alright! Let's get to it!

Name: Ergolach Any last name? I'm not sure if it's compulsory or not, but either way, it's still a nice touch.

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Birthday: 13th of Changing Winds

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Occupation: Bard

Title: Erratic Bard

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 3 nailsbreadths, 2 grains

Weight: 1 pygge, 5 hebs


Hair colour: dark black 'Dark black'? Isn't black always dark? 'Black' or 'Ink Black' should be fine. just sayin'.

Eyes: eophran brown

Appearance:
Ergolach is quite tall and slender. His black hair are moderately long and wavy, his brown eyes are sort of shiny and he screws them up quite often. He has tanned skin, thin moustache and a goatee. His cheek bones are very distinctive, his nose is big and straight and he has a domed forehead. His voice is low-pitched and delicate.

I think that a bit more description should be here. What is Ergolach's build like? Is he heavily built like a dwarven warrior or as nimble and light-footed as an elf? We need more description on his outside appearance to 'see' what he looks like.

Clothing:
His clothing is usually coordinated in tones of karikrimson and aerullin red. He wears a shirt with long sleeves, close-bodied pants and a long cloak with a cape which he hasn't on if it isn't necessary. There are big round earrings from some cheap metal in his ears, he also wears a couple of pinchbeck rings and a necklet.

Personality:
Almost everything that he does he does for fun and enjoyment. To be bored is what he hates the most. Often he follows his momentary whims. He's mostly calm but sometimes he gets mad without a reason when nobody expects it. He's more of a pessimist, total nihilist and also a little bit cynical.

He's irresponsible and has no sense for duty, he likes to manipulate with other people, to cheat on them and to lie to them. He does it just for fun – he doesn't want to enrich himself or to harm someone. On the one hand he's very negligent but he cares about his appearance very much.

He's careless and he doesn't fear death but this totally changes when he's hurt or thinks he's in real danger. How does this change, make him act? It'll really help us see what goes on in his head. It'd be nice if you'd explain this a bit.
He's nonchalant, tolerant and forbearing, open to different opinions but also very selfish, avaricious and ignorant to other people's needs.

People mostly like him – he is courteous, many people find him charming and he has strong sense of humour (malevolent & sarcastic) but he can be also quite arrogant. He likes to speak but he doesn't like to speak about himself.

He is absolutely heterodox in every sense. His freethought and rebellious spirit can give offense to some people. In addition Ergolach opposes all authorities and laws. He would never kill an innocent being and he would never betray his friends (if it weren't necessary for him to stay alive). His own freedom is one of the most important values for him but he doesn't care about freedom of others.

He is a bisexual but he prefers women and especially elvish ones. He is lascivious and barefaced.

He is a complete atheist but he's tolerant to beliefs of others (even when he laughs at them sometimes).

He likes to sing and whistle, quite often he touches other people without any reason. He loves alcohol, gambling and good food.

Personality section is of a great standard, I'll give you that. Keep up the good work!

Strengths:

Speechcraft: He can speak very well. His elocution helps him with ingratiating into someone's confidence or convincing most people to do flavours for him. It can give him advantage when haggling which is just another type of game for him. It's more effective when talking to one particular person but Ergolach can impressively speak to a bigger group as well.
He can't persuade people to believe what they don't want to believe or to convince them to do something they don't want to do at all but most people are willing to believe that he's nice guy even when they almost don't know him. He speaks only Tharian.

Lockpicking: Ergolach isn't a master thief but he can pick most types of ordinary locks when given enough time.

Pickpocketing: Again, he isn't a master thief. He can quite easily steal from unsuspecting people in the crowd and this is also the way how he can get some money quite fast but basically it would be rather difficult for him to steal from someone who has more money and expects that they could be picked.

Knife throwing: Ergolach can throw knives and he uses this skill both as another way to amuse people and as a quite powerful weapon. He can hit a big rat at twelve peds even when it's moving.

Juggling: He can juggle up to five balls, rings or clubs. Sometimes he uses this as a part of his performance.

Dancing: He is good at various styles of solo country dancing which is also part of his performance sometimes but he knows the basics of some couple dances as well.

Playing the lute: As a lute player, Ergolach is virtually a self-taught person and he isn't as good as educated musicians. He has a wide repertoire and he can play many types of songs from emotional ballads to larky drinking songs.

Writing and reciting: Ergolach's poems are long lyrical pieces with emphasis on onomatopoeia or epic ones. Most of the latter ones are based on folk tales and myths Ergolach heard somewhere but some of them he completely made up. He also knows by heart some poems he didn't write. The problem with his poems is that they mostly don't express any sincere emotions and that makes them a little bit banal in comparison with some great lyrical poetry.

Street fighter: Fist-to-fist, Ergolach would beat most people – even the ones who look stronger than him – thanks to his reflexes and sleight but he couldn't face an armed foe.

Weaknesses:

Alcoholism: Ergolach is addicted to alcohol although he says that he isn't. When he's too drunk, he gets irascible and tends to insult people but usually there's no perceivable change in his personality. He just gets slower in both moving and thinking, and his reflexes get worse. He prefers wine.

Gambling: He loves to play card and dice games but he isn't choosy when it comes to games of hazard. He also likes to bet on anything just for fun and excitement even when there's a little chance he could win.

Phobic fear of water: He fears water and he's even scared when it's raining. In the rain he just isn't able to stay outside. This phobia has no explainable reason.

Phobic fear of wild animals: He fears most non-domestic animals, especially foxes and wolves, and also some domestic ones, especially dogs. It's because he was almost killed by a wolf in Goltherlon Forest.

Flat singing: His voice isn't displeasing but he just sings flat. He doesn't realise it or, to be more accurate, doesn't want to realise it. Sometimes it means losing customers for him. Not sure if this is much of a weakness. Most peasants don't really sing that well, methinks. I guess it's time to wait for Dek's verdict on this.

Need of sleep: He needs at least ten hours of sleep per night to function normally. If he doesn't sleep enough, he feels dizzy, his muscles ache and hands shiver, he yawns a lot and is easily irritable.

Bad back: He can carry a third of a normal person's comfortable load because of a lingering back problem which he's had since he was heavily beaten in Marcogg.

Pain intolerant: He has a low pain tolerance. When he feels bigger pain (for example when he's chopped) he may faint. Usually he rouses up quite quickly.


Your Strengths slightly outweigh your Weaknesses, methinks. One more weakness should balance your character, I guess.

History:
Ergolach was born in the city of Nyermersys. His father Normin is a wealthy merchant and he wanted Ergolach to become merchant as well. Ergolach's mother Aeriga comes from a noble family and many people – including Ergolach – think that Normin married her only because of prestige and money.
Normin is a strict and humorless man. He cares only about money and work. He never listens to other people and doesn't even want to understand anyone. For most of the time he wasn't at home.
Aeriga is a bloodless woman who loves literature but didn't care much about her son.
Ergolach had private tutors to educate him in fields of religion, etiquette and business. Ergolach spent most of his time in company of servants. He listened to the stories they were telling and to the songs they were singing and this influenced him a lot. The servants also taught him the basics of lute playing. Another thing he liked was picking locks in his family's house and pockets of people in the streets.
When he was 15 years old, he had a romantic relationship – and first sexual experiences – with Colinn, a chambermaid who was 20 years old.
At 19 he decided to run away from home because he was scared that he would have to become a merchant. Wouldn't his parents send people to search for him? Or search for him themselves? And if they didn't, what opinion does Ergolach have of his parents?

For a couple of months he lived in the streets of Nyermersys as a thief and busker. He wrote his first own poems and songs and started to drink heavily. He also took part in a lot of gambling and street fighting. Once he got caught when he was stealing at the marketplace. He escaped and he decided to run away from the Nyermersys.

Ergolach decided to travel by foot and all by himself from Nyermersys to Voldar. He again started to make money by busking and stealing. In a card game in one pub he won an iron dagger. He has learned a lot of folk songs he didn't know before while he was spending time in pubs. In Voldar he met Hjalen, a fleshy Avennorian girl who made her money as a street dancer and occassional prostitute. Hjalen fell in love with Ergolach and he – as he would say – quite liked her. They had a sexual relationship and also performed together quite successfully. After short time they moved to Jernais where they didn't stand for more than a few weeks and then they travelled to Elsreth. In Goltherlon Forest, they were attacked by a wolf. They managed to drive him away but Ergolach was very badly wounded. They got to a settlement of Golgnomes where they had to stay until Ergolach recovered. After that they have been together to Elsreth, Yorick, Kor Mithrid and Tyr Ethran. In Tyr Ethran Hjalen left Ergolach because he didn't want to marry her and settle down.

He travelled by himself to Marcogg where he among other things tried to make money as a wrestler but he got heavily beaten for a couple of times. He stayed in Marcogg almost for a year.

When he travelled from Marcogg to Chrondra, he encountered the Black Butterfly Rovers. They taught him many songs and tales and also the art of knife throwing. He also had his first sexual experience with a man. It's quite uncommon but he has left the group after two years. However, there was no hatred and Ergolach feels that many Rovers are still his friends.

Currently, Ergolach travels alone looking for thrill and pleasure.


Your history section is fine, if you ask me. Might need a teensy bit more work, but otherwise, fine.


Overall, a great CD. Looking forward to seeing your character approved. ;)
« Last Edit: November 01, 2010, 03:54:26 PM by Ridgen Sú'ufanán » Logged

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« Reply #22 on: November 01, 2010, 04:34:57 PM »

Ridgen says your S&Ws are unbalanced. I admit it's touchy, but if you can't think of another weakness, you can play up one of your phobias etc. These can be quite disabling, or minor annoyances, so please let us know about them. Then we can see balance.
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Leif Terskun
Ergolach Flowerdew
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« Reply #23 on: November 02, 2010, 02:05:28 AM »

Thank you very much for your suggestions. I've made some changes in Appearance section (maybe it still isn't enough but I've tried), i've added some minor explanations to Personality and History sections and I tried to more narrowly describe his phobias.

As for the flat singing, I think it wouldn't be a weakness for a normal person but it's really damaging for him as a bard.

And I have a nice surname now.  :)
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
Alexandre Scriabin
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« Reply #24 on: November 02, 2010, 12:47:55 PM »

Quote
On the one hand he's very negligent but he cares about his appearance very much.

As it stands, this is counter-intuitive. Now, if you were to reword it into meaning that he was negligent health-wise, it would make sense.
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« Reply #25 on: November 02, 2010, 01:10:18 PM »

Quote
Speechcraft: He can speak very well. His elocution helps him with ingratiating into someone's confidence or convincing most people to do flavours for him. It can give him advantage when haggling which is just another type of game for him. It's more effective when talking to one particular person but Ergolach can impressively speak to a bigger group as well.
He can't persuade people to believe what they don't want to believe or to convince them to do something they don't want to do at all but most people are willing to believe that he's nice guy even when they almost don't know him. He speaks only Tharian.

Lockpicking: Ergolach isn't a master thief but he can pick most types of ordinary locks when given enough time.

Pickpocketing: Again, he isn't a master thief. He can quite easily steal from unsuspecting people in the crowd and this is also the way how he can get some money quite fast but basically it would be rather difficult for him to steal from someone who has more money and expects that they could be picked.

Knife throwing: Ergolach can throw knives and he uses this skill both as another way to amuse people and as a quite powerful weapon. He can hit a big rat at twelve peds even when it's moving.

Juggling: He can juggle up to five balls, rings or clubs. Sometimes he uses this as a part of his performance.

Dancing: He is good at various styles of solo country dancing which is also part of his performance sometimes but he knows the basics of some couple dances as well.

Playing the lute: As a lute player, Ergolach is virtually a self-taught person and he isn't as good as educated musicians. He has a wide repertoire and he can play many types of songs from emotional ballads to larky drinking songs.

Writing and reciting: Ergolach's poems are long lyrical pieces with emphasis on onomatopoeia or epic ones. Most of the latter ones are based on folk tales and myths Ergolach heard somewhere but some of them he completely made up. He also knows by heart some poems he didn't write. The problem with his poems is that they mostly don't express any sincere emotions and that makes them a little bit banal in comparison with some great lyrical poetry.

Street fighter: Fist-to-fist, Ergolach would beat most people – even the ones who look stronger than him – thanks to his reflexes and sleight but he couldn't face an armed foe.

Some logical problems with these:

1. He is 26 years old. Suffice to say, writing epicurean poems, being adept at speechcraft, having decent knowledge of picking locks and pockets, having practiced juggling enough to handle five objects, and being as adept at knife throwing (which is no easy discipline at all) as you said he was, is not possible for a 26 year old. That is, unless he is some kind of savant or polymath, which you have provided a strong case for him having too weak of an attention span (you specifically said in his personality that he hates being bored, lives his life on momentary whims, and is a cynic and a pessimist) to perform such critical thinking on a regular basis (which a majority of the art forms you listed take serious knowledge and diligent practice).

2. Pocket picking. This would not have gone over well at all for a young boy who is part of a noble family (and thus is priveliged with private tutors). While it is plausible, I would suggest you give reasons as to how he was able to behave this way. Also, his parents would not approve at all of him socializing so much with the servants.

3. Considering his personality, I highly doubt he possesses the capability to be an epicurean poet. That would require of him to be passionate about mythology and folk lore, and it would require of him a good understanding of meter and other literary devices (which you didn't mention in your history whether or not he was classically trained in literature).
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« Reply #26 on: November 02, 2010, 05:12:27 PM »

Changing it back to pencil for you. Alexandre makes some good points in his comments, please also make any changes requested by Leif as well. :)

Dek
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Ergolach Flowerdew
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« Reply #27 on: November 03, 2010, 03:53:40 AM »

Again, thanks a lot.

Sometimes I use a word (or combination of words) that make no sense in English just because it could work in Czech... I hope my English isn't too bad but I know sometimes this can happen. So, sorry for this... (that's the case of "dark black" and "negligent but...").  :)

...and my solutions to Alexandre's points:
1. I decided to delete juggling and knife throwing completely. It's not important for Ergolach as a character and you're absolutely right that it perhaps wouldn't be possible for him to have all these skills. However, I added basic skill in fencing. I've also tried to explain his literary skills (in first part of History section).

2. Again, I've added some explanations to the History section.

3. I've "upgraded" the Personality and History sections to explain that.
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #28 on: November 03, 2010, 04:22:51 AM »

Fencing, hm? Interesting choice. I'm not sure it exists in Santh but... It's just a thought. I think it's called swordplay here.

I'll have a look at your CD later in the day, but I have to run and catch my bus(es) for now. Good luck with your CD!

Rid(gen)
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Ergolach Flowerdew
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« Reply #29 on: November 03, 2010, 04:26:06 AM »

Alright, I'll change it to swordplay then. Thanks.
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