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Author Topic: Ambroise Cheligreuus/ Korweynite & Murmillion/ Guard-Mercenary  (Read 5638 times)
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Ambroise Cheligreuus
Foresaken Child of the Sun
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Human, Korweynite/Murmillion


« on: March 09, 2011, 01:37:52 PM »

Name:
Ambroise Cheligreuus

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Race: Human

Tribe:Korweynite Mother/Murmillion Father

Occupation: Guard/Mercenary

Title: Forsaken Child of the Sun
 
Overview:
Born as a result of rape, Ambroise has been forced to fight for his place in society. Being a mixture of two warring tribes has built within him a strong determination that he might not have otherwise possessed. At a relatively young age Ambroise joined the Imperial guard. While searching for members of the Imperial family he experienced severe scarring from a flammable liquid and was forced to leave the position he so loved. After rigorous training to overcome his new limitations he became a guard. Ambroise killed the man he was to protect while working in his new career. Forced to flee his homeland the warrior has set out He for a new cotenant and a new life.


Appearance:
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 4 nailsbreadths
Weight: 1 pygge, 2 hebs, 1 hafeb, 3 ods, 9 mut
Hair Colour: Rich Dark Eophram With Deeper Charcoal Highlights
Eye Colour Pale Sou’cald Blue

Physical Appearance
Ambroise has an appearance that is not easily forgettable. His skin is a rich cinnabrown hue. The warrior has the palest of sour’cald blue eye. His right eye is a whitish mottled sphere having no pupil or iris. His wavy locks are kept reasonably short. They are about a palmspan at the most allowing for his ears to be completely visible and bangs that set high enough to allow his eyebrows to set a good nailbreadth below. It is a rich dark eophram with even deeper charcoal tinted highlights. Being of mixed origin his build is more lithe and slighter than others of the Korweynite tribe. His muscles though are still well defined. With delicate features and high cheekbones he stands out from others Korweynites. Minor scarring can be seen in various places on his body. These are battle related wounds that are covered by his clothing. The largest of these appears on his left leg where it runs slightly diagonally beginning mid thigh and progressing down about a palmspan and a half. Another set of thin scars are just above the left kneecap.

More deforming are the scars that cover much of his right side. His face is heavily scarred leaving the skin thin and looking much older than the left. It extends from his temple, across the eye and most of the cheekbone down to his chin. The eyelid droops slightly giving an asymmetrical appearance. Similar scaring can be seen on the backside of his neck, shoulder, upper and lower back and the arm though not as drastically as on the face. There is also scarring running from his wrist on the outside of the right hand to the base of his fingers. They are slightly reddened, raised and uneven. The outer ear appears shriveled and deformed. All together Ambroise can be a frightening sight to behold.
 
Clothing
As his normal attire Ambroise wears the traditional dress of his mother’s tribe, the Eben. These garments consist of a loose fitting, knee length tunics and trousers. The sleeves of the tunic reach down to his wrists and the shoulders are padded. Two slits on the side of the tunic allow him more freedom of movement. Drawing the upper garment closer around his waist is a fabric sash. Under the tunic are loose fitting trousers that tie at the waist and gather at the ankles. The material used for these garments are from possess mostly yellow, orange and red hues. Soft nor’sidian leather boots adorn his feet. When not in combat he wears a silver kyphelm or headcap decorated with feathers from the Korweynite eagle.

Because of the injuries to his right hand he wears a single glove. Made of nor’sidian coloured deer skin and lined with an extremely soft fabric. This is an effort to help keep the delicate skin from breaking open.
Armor:
Breast Plate: Made from multiple small, feather shaped pieces of steel this chest armor is much more moveable than a solid metal one. Each “feather” fastened to the other is interconnected with cords. The shoulders themselves are protected by extensions that run down the arm to just above the elbow.

Helmet: This distinctive kyphelm tells much about his heritage. It appears as if an eagle had descended on Ambroise’s head when he wears it. The nose guard looks strikingly like an eagles beak while the head rises above allowing his eyes to serve as the birds. Unlike the noblemen’s helm, it is not completely enclosed. To help hide his physical defects the sides of the helmet come down to about a nailsbredth from his jaw line and widen until they nearly touch in the front. These are designed to resemble the wings of the eagle.  Attached to the back of the cap is a sheet of chainmail that hangs down to the level of his shoulders.

Vambraces: These metal pieces slide on like wide bracelets. Made of steel they come up midway of his forearms. Each depicts his tribal symbol, the Korweynite eagle with raised wings uplifted to the sun so the wings actually look like rays of light.

Greaves: These are steel and cover the front of his shins. They rise to the top of his kneecaps. The sun is depicted at the top of each with the eagle with outstretched wings as in the tribal coat of arms. Leather straps near the ankle, below the large leg muscle and below the knee. Worn over his loose fitting pants they can be seen below his tunic.


Personality
Ambroise is a man with a conflicting personality. Having a mother that is Korweynite and a father of Murmillion heritage he feels trapped in a sense between good and evil. From his mother’s side he feels deep honor and would never do anything that would jeopardize it. He feels strongly about the need for justice. Yet it is his Murmillion side that drives him to take matters into his own hands.

He can be extremely strong willed and stubborn. Seeing that both his parents tribes display these traits it seems doubly so in him. The young man can be extremely crude and abrupt when expressing his feelings. Ambroise has an extremely short temper he tries his best to control. When he does loose it he can be harder on himself than he would be on others.

Engrained in him since childhood on is a sense of justice. When this is combined with his temper it can be an explosive combination. At times this has lead to physical confrontations in public places. Primarily these occur with individuals who either boast about their misdeeds or feel they are above the law.

In spite of his temper and his struggles for purity he makes friends easily and is often found enjoying time with allies. He enjoys his meals and frequently expresses his gratitude when the food is especially satisfying. Not only does he enjoy spending time with his comrades he also looks for ways to express his favor towards them in tangible ways such as offering to do their share of chores or paying for a drink.

Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
Military Training: From the early age of four, Ambroise has trained in the art of war. He is able to quite successfully use a spear, short sword and a dagger. His fighting style primarily focuses on agility and ability to out maneuver his opponent. Having served in the Imperial Guard and as a guard he has more than mere training but also experience.

Specialized Training: In addition to the standard training he received to become a warrior he has had additional specialized instruction enabling him to overcome, at least in part, the disabilities caused by his injury. Making greater use of his dexterity and nimbleness, Ambroise has become a swifter, more cunning adversary than he was previous. He also relies far more on his ability to maneuver and respond quickly rather than overpower others.

Blind Fighting: Because of the loss of an eye, Ambroise has taken special training to learn how to use his other senses to make up for the loss of vision. His hearing and other senses have become more keen giving him a better idea where his adversary is and what they are doing. In addition Ambroise’s Reflexes have improved to where he reacts to the presence of things even before he comes in contact with them.

Agility: Thankfully, Ambroise has exceptional agility. This has come to benefit him not only in combat but also in many areas of life. With the loss of an eye his depth of field has been diminished considerably. His sense of balance and coordination has kept him from many a humiliation from not quite reaching or over reaching an object. Climbing stairs and other common tasks that might otherwise be more challenging to a person with a single eye are made easier because of his agility.

Determination: Because of his mixed lineage and the difficulties he faces this warrior has learned to persevere. Ambroise has struggled all his life for acceptance and to be treated as an equal. Ingrained in him not only by those who have been less than accepting but also by his great Uncle and others he has learned to overcome others objections and misgivings by demonstrating his ability. Many times he has been forced to try numerous to achieve a goal. Because of his determination he has been able to finally achieve those goals.


Weaknesses:
Monocular vision: Resulting from being sprayed with an assassin’s flammable concoction his right eye does not function. This limits his field of view. He may not see things as readily as others and his depth perception has been hampered as well. Though his specialized training may adjust for these deficiencies some they certainly cannot completely compensate for their loss. Ambroise still finds himself struggling from time to time with simple tasks such as reaching for an object or gauging how far an object is from him. He may hear someone talking to him and have to take a moment to determine where that individual is. His since of balance is diminished as well though his agile nature does compensate for this to an extent.

Having only one eye also is a disadvantage while in combat because his depth perception is altered.  For instance an attack might be closer than expected and actually make a hit that otherwise would be blocked or parried. He could overcompensate as well loosing an advantage he might otherwise have. The longer he is in combat with an adversary the less likely such mistakes are.  Fatigue may on the other hand increase this likelihood. Blocking an opponent’s blow might be bungled as well seeing the speed and distance of an assault might be misjudged. This weakness also includes a loss of peripheral vision that an adversary might take advantage of.  They could come upon him from his right side without his notice.  He has a habit though of setting so his right side is to a wall.  This not only helps to obscure his deformity but also make such an attack while seated more difficult.  His improved hearing ability also helps to compensate in this area.

Disfigurements: Considerable scarring and discoloration is visible on the right side of body. His blind eye is also not normal in appearance and adds to this unpleasant visage. These are relatively new facts of life for Ambroise. This has led to feelings of depression and lack of self worth. All of this is on top of being the offspring of an illegitimate union and having one side of that union be from a tribe that is not accepted by the other.

People often are repulsed by his appearance. They will go out of their way to avoid looking at him. In some cases the opposite has occurred as well. They may choose to use his deformities as a reason to discriminate against him or ridicule him. Ambroise has learned to accept his condition and tries to make the best of his life in spite of his physical appearance.

Pain: Not only are the scars on the right side of his face, arm and hand visibly disconcerting they are also painful. The skin, especially on the effected hand, is thin and breaks open more easily than unaffected areas.

Wanted man: On the run from his own countrymen, he has come to a new continent hoping to forge a new life. Though the death of a member of the empirical family was not entirely his fault, he was responsible for protecting him and instead took his life. There are many who are still seeking to perform what they perceive as “justice” by taking his life.

Vow of Celibacy: When joining the Imperial guard he was asked to take an oath that he would not spread his tainted blood to another being. He has kept this vow and has every intention of doing so even in his new land. This does mean that even at the age of 26 he is still a virgin and as a man Ambroise has the same urges and desires as other men. Often this makes him vulnerable to women who might try to take advantage of such a situation. Though Ambroise is quite capable of handling himself he has found it difficult at times to resist.

Regret: For Ambroise there was nothing more devastating in his life than to be dismissed from the Imperial Guard. Even more so when he lost his position as a guard because of a rash decision that ended in the death of the man he was to protect. To be honest, if he could do things over he probably would not change much yet it haunts him. Feathers, especially those of the Korweynite Eagle, are a constant reminder of what he has lost and his failure.

Language Barrier: Being in a new land where the languages are unfamiliar to him the young man experiences a great deal of trouble expressing himself.  Having only learned a little Tarian while aboard the ship carrying him to a new land his grasp of the common vernacular and expression are a weakness indeed.

History
1618: It was a full moon the night of the 16th of Dead Tree when Ambroise was born. This was not the happiest of occasions. Once it was confirmed the child was indeed an unacceptable mixing there would be no celebration. The midwife caring for Jingfei, his mother, was sorely tempted to let the baby drown while she was cleaning the helpless child in a basin of cool water until his cries made it too obvious that the child had survived. His mother had not consented to anything that horrible night when the boy was conceived. Having been captured by a Murmillion raiding party she endured many thing at their hands, rape being one of them. The child’s father was not certain. This was not because she didn’t know the person’s name but because there was more than one possibility.

1622: With Ambroise’s mother ill and living cloistered within her home she tried her best to shelter Ambroise from the stares and disparaging words of others. Even she found herself treating the baby as a less than. At the tender age of four she let his Great Uncle, Guozhi, take him to his home. The aging man was actually pleased to have a young lad to help him around the house and to train to be a great warrior like himself. Nearly immediately after Guozhi had taken the child to live with him he began trying to train him. Soon he was far more advanced than even the aging warrior had hoped. Calling on some of his fellow retired warriors they joined together to train the lad in everything they knew. They insisted he prove his worth as a member of his tribe. Every day they instilled in him the belief that others would not accept him based on his lineage, only on his proven ability. They also believed him inferior in strength to others so they chose to work on his agility rather than more forceful approaches.

1626: At the age of 16 he was accepted into the military. As predicted, Ambroise experienced many challenges based solely on his appearance and other perceptions. Often he was passed over for assignments. Eventually they sent him to the border with the Murmillions. This was at his request. With his successes on the battlefield their opinion of him began to change. He was involved in many skirmishes and it became obvious he would be a force to reckon with. Ambroise received more than just praise for his actions, souvenirs also came, cuts and abrasions that left visible reminders of his valor.

1630: Ambroise was accepted into the Imperial guard. He was even required to take an oath of celibacy to insure he would not father any children. He accepted their terms eagerly. This was an exciting day for him but once again he had to prove himself. Placed on the front lines again but with more experienced men. Given charge of a group of 20 men, they worked as a team. Using their large rectangular shields as a moving wall, to infiltrate the enemy line. Together they would advance on an enemy and together obliterate targets. It was a dream come true for the aspiring warrior. He felt excepted for once in his life, at least among the small group of men he was associated with. This made him strive even harder to gain the respect and admiration of his colleagues.

1637: Stationed in a city near the border with the Murmillion, Ambroise was asked to assist in finding a certain family, members of the imperial line. They had gone missing and his group was asked to start a search. They went house-to-house as he assigned men to different locations. He knew it was a family of three and that all of them had gone missing. Among them was a young girl of 14 and she was to be wed to an even more important member of the bloodline.

It was evening as Ambroise was searching, desperate to prove his value as a soldier and hoping that the girl would not face the same fate his mother had. He stepped quietly along the floor of one building than flung the door open on the second floor of an empty home. There, bathed in rays of ithild moonlight, was the form an extremely tall man. Amid the glow from the open window he could make out the outline of pointed ears and nor’sidian hair pulled tightly back against the man’s head. His high cheekbones, dark skin and lithe figure gave away his Chyrakisth heritage. He was lean, sinister looking and let out a sickening laugh as he heard the clicking of the door. The orc turned towards the young warrior. Thinking as quickly as he could Ambroise threw his spear striking the man in the chest. The long weapon pierced the dark skinned orc striking the wall with a resounding thud. It pinned him there with a look of shock and surprise. Ambroise was fast yet he was not fast enough. The orc had just enough time to throw an object toward him. Even though it missed him it struck the doorpost and the substance inside splashed back towards him. The liquid drenched his eben and lapped against the warrior’s face leaving only the feel of a faint cool sensation. The back of his right hand and the length of that arm were also coated in the clear substance that gave off little hint of its deadly abilities. Than a strange tingling sensation flooded his whole body but not enough to distract him. He heard the muffled screams of a woman and a man to his right and he turned to face them. They were the missing family, tied and gagged. Quickly he went about releasing them. Quickly he escorted them to the door before reengaging with the speared man. Ambroise looked again at the orc hoping he had perished only to see him struggling to free himself. One of his fellow guards came bursting through the door to help Ambroise. He was bearing a lit torch oblivious to the dangers within. A hideous laugh escaped the orc as the liquid burst into flames engulfing the man and than transferring onto Ambroise.

Ambroise pushed the other guard to the floor catching even more of himself on fire and rolled the two of them around on the floor to quench the flames that covered both of them. Ambroise survived but was left with horrible scarring while the other Korweynite perished from his wounds. As for the Orc, he died laughing amid the blazing room whose wall he was affixed to.

Though the young warrior does not know the reason the family was captured by the sinister dark skinned orc others do.  The father, Ayane Kudo, was secretly gathering information about the Chyrakisth for a possible attack against them.  He was suspected of this and it was the intent of the orc to get him to reveal what he knew and where he found it out.  Alas, with the arrival of Ambroise his plan was foiled.

Shortly afterwards it was deemed that Ambroise could no longer serve in his present condition and was relieved of his post. Devastated he returned to this Great Uncle’s home and began training once again. This time he had even more at stake. He had lost an eye and was in constant pain from the scars left by the flames. He began training on how to fight without a shield choosing instead to use a short sword and a dagger when a spear was not readily available. The warrior began practicing with both of his eyes covered to improve his ability to use his remaining senses until he could determine where his enemy was and what he was doing without the aid of his eyes. Though this was a far cry harder than using his vision it did improve his capabilities once he began again to use the site he had chosen to take away. Now even more than before he relied on his quickness and agility to counter his new deficiencies.

It had been heartbreaking to return all the eagle feathers he had so proudly worn. They were a symbol of his accomplishment. His identity and self worth were tied to the objects. Still, he was not ready to give up on life.

1640: Having learned that Ambroise had been training to regain his position in the Imperial Guard the family he had rescued made arrangements for something similar. Though they could not get him reinstated to his old position, Ambroise was to become their personal guard. There had been more attempts on the lives of the family as the father was continuing to spy on the Chyrakisth. Being wealthy land owners and members of the imperial line they could afford to show their appreciation to the young warrior. They gave him exceptional weapons and new armor more fitting to his fighting style than the bulky solid metal plate he had worn. New ebens were purchased for him of the finest fabrics. To replace the eagle feathers he wore while in the guard they purchased the most exotic of feathers from the Kaleman islands. These were brilliant colours of tiki red, sor’inyt orange and strata yellow. Ambroise was grateful but he missed the brilliance of the eagle feathers and prestige offered by being part of the Empirical Guard.

1644: Things had begun to work out better for the young warrior. He had begun to accept himself with his deformities and was resigned to do his job as honorably and as well as he possibly could. Than one day everything unraveled. Ambroise was making his rounds. He heard a scream than a muffled sound. Rushing in the direction of the noise he burst through a door only to find the naked form of a man standing over the young daughter. In the dim light he decides the man was an intruder. He threw his spear and struck man firmly through the chest. As the wounded man was falling he turned to face the young guard. With a shocked look on both of the men’s faces, Ambroise instantly knew what he had done. He was heart broken as he watched the man he was to protect perish at his hands. Even though the man was about to perform a despicable act upon the daughter the young warrior was now to face charges for the murder of the man he had sworn to protect.

The authorities dismissed the charges even though the young warrior was prepared to die for his crime. Ambroise lost his position as a guard for the family and he started to receive death threats from those who thought an injustice had been done. His friends managed to get him intoxicated and rushed him to the docks where they placed him on a ship destined for Sarvonia. Aboard the ship he began to learn a little tarian though his efforts were hard gained and would not serve him too well.  It would however help until he had the opportunity to learn more. Now he must face his new life in a new land with strange cultures and customs.


Weapons
Rays of Justice:
These are a pair of blades, a short sword and a dagger. Forged from high quality steel these blades, crafted by the Kiingerim Thergerim, are fine examples of dwarven workmanship. The double-edged blades are forged from high quality folded steel.


Short sword:
Starting at the guard a central ridge runs through the weak and to the point. The guard is made of highly polished steel featuring the image of the head an eagle on both sides of the blade. Looking at the formed image one can see the bill pointing towards the blade and the feathering as if for the neck widening out forming the portions above the sharpened edges. The grip is made from sturdy, durable wood and wrapped in beautifully brilliant injohue died ray skin. Over this is another layer of ray skin. It is cyhalloi snow in colour and crossed is such a way as to create diamond shaped openings through which one can see the underlying layer. Looking at the pommel one can see its disk shape and the sun. Lines extend out and join each other on the edges of the disk to simulate the sun and its rays much like the representation on the Korweynite coat of arms. The scabbard is made from wood and wrapped in the same ray skin as the outer layer of the handle. Three silver medallions representing the sun can be seen evenly spaced along the length of each side. At the top is the locket; this bears the shape of feathers carrying on the eagle motif of the guard. The chape or cap is at the end of the scabbard is flattened on the end rather than pointed. It appears to be a round disk when looking directly at the end. Here you will find an image of the sun. Adorning the sides are stylized rays from the bottom portion. Dangling from the handle next to the pummel is a long double tassel made with injohue and sor’inyt cords.
Overall Length: 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 1 nailsbreadth
Blade Length: 1 fore, 1 palmspan, 8 nailsbreadths
Blade Width at Guard: 2 nailsbreadths
Blade Width at Tip: 1 nailsbreadths
Handle Length: 1 palmspan, 9 nailsbreadths
Guard Width: 2 nailsbreadths, 3 grains
Weight: 2 ods, 6 mut.

Dagger:
Dagger:Made much like the matching short sword, the dagger features the same embellishments and methods of manufacture. The biggest difference between these two weapons is their size and the absence of the injohue tassel. The scabbard has only two medallions instead of three.

Overall Length: 1 Fore, 2 Palmspans, 2 nailsbreadths
Blade Length: 1 Fore, 6 nailsbreadths
Blade Width at Guard: 2 nailsbreadths, 3 grains
Blade Thickness at Guard: 3 grains
Handle Length: 1 palmspan, 4 nailsbreadths, 4 grains
Weight: 1 od, 2 mut

Ray Righteousness Spear:
An attractive weapon that is rather versatile. It can be used for thrusting, parrying and throwing. The long wavy tip is designed to resemble rays from the sun. This polished steel point is affixed to a long wooden pole. A single tassel matching that of his other weapons is fastened to the base of the spear tip.

Overall length: 1 Ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, and 8 nailsbreadths
Head Length: 1 fore, 2 palmspans, 1 nailsbreadth
Weight: 2 ods, 8 mut

Belongings:
Because of the way Ambroise left his homeland, he does not have many belongings other than his clothes and weapons.

Coin Purse: This is a small cyhalloi snow coloured pouch made from a fine fabric.  Embroidered on it is the Korweynite coat of arms.  Closing the pouch is a braided injèrá yellow and sor’inyt orange drawstring. On the end of the strings is a brass spherical shaped bead to resemble the sun just above a tasseled knot.  This was a gift from those who cared enough to see Ambroise was smuggled out of the country.  They also made sure there were a few coins he could spend once he reached his new homeland.

Korweynite Eagle Feather: Hidden away in his coin purse is a single injèrá yellow feather. It was given to him as a gift by the men who got him to the boat.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2011, 10:06:44 AM by Deklitch Hardin » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2011, 04:09:21 AM »

Murmillion is the spelling you want I think you'll find.
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Ambroise Cheligreuus
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« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2011, 06:56:44 AM »

How embarrassing.  blush

Thanks!

Hopefully that is fixed.  Any other comments?
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2011, 07:12:33 AM »

My comment would be the measurements on the spear. You put the measurements of the dagger into Santharian measurements, you should do the same for the spear as well. ;)
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Ambroise Cheligreuus
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« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2011, 07:23:02 AM »

lol oops. Thanks Kareesh.  I think that is fixed now too.
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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2011, 08:47:30 PM »

Could you go through your cd and check spelling and tenses? There are quite a few that should be easily detectable with a decent spell-check. To give you an example I quote the overview:

Born as a result of a despicable act, Ambroise had has had to fight for his place in society.  Being a mixture of two tribes that are warring Suggestion: of two warring tribes has built within him endurance and determination he might not otherwise possess.  After receiving severe scarring from a flammable liquid he has was forced to leave the Imperial guard and become a bodyguard.  While working he kills the man he was had to protect.  Now he has had to flee to a new cotenant continent and a new life.

:)
« Last Edit: March 10, 2011, 08:48:30 PM by Irid alMenie » Logged

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Irid al'Menie
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2011, 09:15:04 PM »

Firstly, well done on this CD, it is a well thought out one.

I've changed your icon to the pencil for you, Ambroise, while you attend to Irid's request. I would also like you to expand on some of your shorter strengths and weaknesses and see if there is an application for them outside of combat. Determination and Agility are the two strengths I am meaning, and Loss of sight is the main weakness I'm meaning ... we aren't all hack and slash and kill! kill! kill! here. :D

There is no need to colour all the spelling/grammar changes you make, however any additions you make would require them to be coloured so that the CD Mods, Mini Mods and Commentators can see that you've made the requested changes.

Finally, if you don't have a familiar, you can remove that heading from your CD ... the same might be true of your belongings section.

Dek
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2011, 12:29:32 AM »

Just to tag-along the last thing Dek said, your character portrait as well. If you don't have one, you don't need to list that. :)

The character looks very good. I look forward to RP'ing with him in the near future. :D
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Ambroise Cheligreuus
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« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2011, 01:36:41 AM »

Irid I will be happy to go through the CD again and look for those spelling and grammatical mistakes.  Thanks for pointing them out. Must have rushed through it far too quickly.

Deklitch Thanks for the complement!  I appreciate the support and I will elaborate on the strengths and weaknesses.  There should indeed be areas of Ambroise's life where both of these would affect him out of a combat situation.  I am extremely glad to hear there is more than a mere hack and slash mentality in the game.  Actually I prefer the times when characters can interact on a "friendly" manor. 

Kareesh thanks for your suggestions as well and I look forward to playing with you as well.  I'm looking forward to playing with everyone!  :D
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Ambroise Cheligreuus
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« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2011, 06:02:31 AM »

Ok I did a thorough spell check and rewrote parts to fix some rather blaring errors I should have seen before.  Hopefully all of that is fixed.

Also I have revisited the strengths and weaknesses giving them more detail.

Removed the three headings I did not use.

Any other suggestions? 
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Cár'scál Sae'llán
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Elf, Ylfferhim


« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2011, 08:41:32 AM »

Hello Ambroise, if it's alright I'll be giving your CD the traditional once through. I'll try to give you some ideas, but currently I'm not very well versed in things relating to the Murmillion or Korweynite. As such I'll try my best to assess everything else. My suggestions will be typed in gold and the corrections will be done in plum.

Name:
Ambroise Cheligreuus

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Race: Human

Tribe: Korweynite Mother/Murmillion Father

Occupation: Guard or mercenary ­
You've written "Guard or mercenary" but I feel that you should capitalize the word mercenary. You could also change the "or" to a simple / but again it's up to you. This is only a suggestion to create more symmetry in your writing. It was just a little bit strange on my eyes :)

Title: Forsaken Child of the Sun


Overview:  
Born as a result of a despicable act In this part here it is fine to tell us what the despicable act was whatever the case may be. Feel free to enlighten us early on., Ambroise has had to fight for his place in society.  Being a mixture of I do believe the word "two" should be put between here. warring there is a double space here, please adjust this. tribes has built within him  a strong endurance and determination he might not have otherwise possessed.  After receiving severe burns and the resulting scarring from a flammable liquid he was forced to leave the Imperial Guard and accept being bodyguard, a position he saw as a demotion.<----This sentence reads very awkwardly, and the sudden introduction of the Imperial Guard is also very weird. Perhaps a small sentence on him joining the Imperial Guard before writing this sentence would be best.  While working he killed the man he was to protect.  Now he has had to flee to a new continent and a make new life.This sentence doesn't follow the previous tense found throughout your Overview, and the last little bit throws of the writing. Please adjust this.

Just a small thing I noticed. After some of your sentences there are two spaces, please limit it to just one.

Appearance:
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 4 nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 pygge, 2 hebs, 1 hafeb, 3 ods, 9 mut

Hair Colour: Rich dark eophram with deeper charcoal highlights

Eye Colour: Pale sou’cald blue

Again to keep a symmetry to your writing please capitalize the beginning of key words in the Hair and Eye Color section. Just another small thing.

Physical Appearance
Ambroise has an appearance that is not easily forgotten.  His skin is a rich cinnabrown hue, one that is not too uncommon among members of his tribe.  The warrior has the palest of sour’cald blue eye, that is the one that is working, while his right eye is a whitish mottled sphere with no pupil or iris.  His wavy locks are kept reasonably short.   About a palmspan at the most, it allows his ears to be visible and bangs that set high enough to allow his eyebrows to set a good two nailbreadths below.  Coloured a rich dark eophram brown his locks have even deeper charcoal tented tinted highlights.  Being of mixed origin his build is more lithe and slighter than others of his tribe<--- I feel that a specification of tribe here might help introduce your history a little better later on.  His muscles though are still well defined.  As a gift from his father, though he would not consider it so, he has a Styreian like appearance.  With delicate features and high cheekbones he stands out from others Here I can only assume that you are talking about Styreian people(?). I personally feel this needs specification.  Minor scarring can be seen in various places onThis part here might flow more smoothly written "his body". Again just a suggestion him.  These are battle related wounds and are all covered by clothing.  The largest of these appears on his left thigh where one runs slightly diagonally from mid thigh down about a palmspan and a half.   Another set of thin scars is just above his kneecap on the right side.

Far more deforming are the scars left by severe burns that cover his right side.  His face is heavily scarred on the effected side leaving the skin thin and looking much older than the left I think this sentence reads awkwardly and could be made more smooth.  This scarring extends from his temple, across the eye and most of the cheekbone down to his chin.  The eyelid around his blinded right eye droops slightly giving an asymmetrical appearance.  Similar scaring can be seen on the backside of his neck, right shoulder, upper and lower back and the arm though not as drastically as on the face.  There are also scars running from his wrist on the outside of the right hand to the base of his fingers.  All these are slightly reddened, raised and uneven. The outer ear on the left side appears shriveled and deformed.  All together Ambroise can be a frightening sight to behold.
  
I really feel that your desription is very nicely written overall. Though there are some small problems I think that this has come together very well, and I find it a little hard to believe that this is your first CD(?). Nice work  Thumb up

Clothing
As his normal attire Ambroise wears the traditional dress of his mother’s tribe, the eben Capitalize the word Eben..  These garments are loose fitting, knee length tunics with sleeves that reach down his arms to his wrists.  The shoulders are padded and the waist is girded with a fabric sash.  Two slits on the side of the tunic allow him more freedom of movement.  Trousers that match these garments are worn underneath.    There are a very large number of spaces here please remove some of themSoft nor’sidian leather boots adorn his feet.  When not in combat he wears a silver kyphelm or headcap on his head decorated with feathers from an exotic island bird.

Because of the injury to his right hand he wears a single glove.  Made of nor’sidian deer skin and lined with an extremely soft fabric to help keep the delicate skin from breaking open.

Armor:
Breast Plate: Made from multiple small, feather shaped pieces of steel shaped to resemble a father I'm pretty sure the word your looking for here is "feathers" and not father.   This chest armor is much more movable than a solid metal one.   Each “feather” is fastened to eachthe other in an interconnected stringing of cords.  The shoulders are protected by extensions that run down the arm to just above the elbow where they tie around the arm.

Helmet: This distinctive kyphelm tells much about hisYou should use his name here instead of just saying "his". heritage.  It appears as if an eagle had Again your past and present tense is blending and should be corrected in this sentence. descended on Ambroise’s head when he warsI believe the word here is "wears". it.  The nose guard looks strikingly like an eagles beak while the head rises above allowing his eyes to serve as the birds.  Unlike the noblemen helms it is not completely enclosed.  To help hide his physical defects the sides of the helmet come down to about a nailsbredth from his jaw line and widen until they nearly touch in the front.  These are designed to resemble the wings of the eagle.
Insert space here
Attacked attached  to the back of the cap is a sheet of chainmail that hangs down to his shoulders.

Wristlets The word for armor pieces that surround the wrist are called "Vambraces" : These metal protective<--- This is kind of redundant pieces slide on like wide bracelets.  Made of steel, they come up midway of his forearms.  Each is marked with a depiction of his tribal symbol.Saying what his symbol is might make this a little more interesting and concise.

Kneelets:  These are steel lower leg protectors Again redundant..  They cover the front of his shins and rise to the top of his kneecaps.  The sun is depicted at the top of each and the eagle with outstretched wings as in the tribal coat of arms.  Leather straps near the ankle, below the large leg muscle and below the knee fasten them in place.  Worn over his loose fitting pants they can be seen below his tunic.

Very nice section on clothing. There were again some mistakes but none that were very major that I could notice.

Personality
Ambroise is a man with a conflicting personality.  Having a mother that is Korweynite and a father of Murmillion heritage places him in the middle of the dark and the light.<--- This sentence here is again kind of awkward please adjust.  From his mother’s side he feels deep honor and would never do anything that would jeopardize it.  This strong desire to protect his honor drove him into the predicament that scarred and disfigured him for life Again the past and present kind of blend here. Please adjust this.  He feels strongly about the need for justice.  Yet his Murmillion side has driven him to take matters into his own hands from time to time.

He can be extremely strong willed and stubborn.   Having this trait from both of his parents has engrained it deeply within him. The young man can be extremely rude and abrupt when expressing his feelings.  Not too surprising he has an extremely short temper that he tries his best to control.  When he looses it he can be just as harsh on himself as he would be on others. This paragraph reads awkwardly and could do with some minor changes and tweaks.

Given the unfortunate circumstances of his conception I don't think that conception is the word your looking for here. Just a though., the ingrained This part here is very awkward and needs adjusting. since of justice combined with his temper can be an explosive combination.  At times this had "has" lead to physical confrontations in public places with individuals who either boast about their misdeed or feel they are above social law.

In spite of his temper and his struggles for purity, he makes friends easily and is often found enjoying time with allies.  He enjoys his meals and often expresses his gratitude when the food is especially satisfying.  Not only does he enjoy spending time with his comrades he also looks for ways to express his favor towards them in tangible ways such as offering to do their share of chores or paying for a drink.


You've been told this a lot by the others, but I think you really need to hear again that you've written a very pleasant CD. I personally think that he and Cár'scál will definitely get along well. I wish you the best of luck in getting your CD approved, and I hope you have as much fun writing yours as I did mine. Keep up the good work  Thumb up
« Last Edit: March 12, 2011, 08:43:28 AM by Cár'scál Sae'llán » Logged

Zeiél só Avásh, Sae'llán
:Cór'raín fá Yln'fain'tir:
:Cár'scál Sae'llán:
:Quarón Ecuá:
Ambroise Cheligreuus
Foresaken Child of the Sun
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Gender: Male
Posts: 45


Human, Korweynite/Murmillion


« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2011, 01:51:42 PM »

Thanks Cár'scál Sae'llán!

I have attempted to make the changes you asked for though I believe you might have been working with the previous version of my CD before others commented.

I agree about the wristlets but I tried to use the description used in the tribal description.  Kneelets has been changed as well to a word more fitting.

Quote
The common soldier wears breastplate, a large rectangular shield, bracelets, kneelets, a pike, a shortsword and a dagger.

Not too sure why Eben needed to be capitalized?  it is like saying the first letter in the word shirt or suit should be capitalized. Undecided  Should I capitalized each occurrence of Eben than?

Thanks so much for your help and I am impressed that even with my writing deficiencies you are still interested in rping with me. 

I do hope everything is acceptable now.

Oh  and this is not my first CD.  Rocelin Ellis is my other CD. ;)
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Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
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Posts: 1536


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2011, 07:08:51 PM »

I am also unsure as to why 'eben' would need to be capitalised. Maybe you could explain it, Cár'scál?

Thank you for working on your strengths and weaknesses, Ambroise. They help to make your character seem somehow more 'real' to me, that there is more to him than simply combat.

Vambraces
weight 20ozs --> should either be in Santharian measurements or just left out.

Just a couple of spelling issues I can see that need to be fixed up ...

Strengths
Agility
'since of balance' --> sense of balance
and
'climbing stair' --> climbing stairs

I'll see if I can give you a final check over tomorrow and give you a first approval. It is just on 8pm local time, and my local team in the A-League (Football) just won the premiership! So, we're kind of celebrating that!

Dek
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Ambroise Cheligreuus
Foresaken Child of the Sun
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 45


Human, Korweynite/Murmillion


« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2011, 08:35:07 PM »

Sounds fun Dek, hope you have a great time.

Thanks for catching those two things.  Homophones are not my strong suit lol.
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Cár'scál Sae'llán
Windblade
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Posts: 54


Elf, Ylfferhim


« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2011, 02:31:41 AM »

I figured that Eben should probably be capitalized because of the context that you had used it in. When you say "the Eben" you are referring to that particular style of clothing. If you had said "he wears an eben" then I wouldn't have asked for a capitalization. It has to do with the personal and impersonal context of the writing. A small thing but something that I thought might be prudent is all.

Ambroise, if you feel that you would like me to look over your CD again because I may or may not have worked with your edited one I'd be more than happy to look i over again for you. Your writing is not bad at all, I'd just suggest taking time to re-read and edit your CD more carefully. I actually re-read my CD three times and still couldn't avoid finding errors in my writing.

Regardless gentlemen, I hope this answers your questions. If there is any more need for clarification don't hesitate to contact me. :)
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Zeiél só Avásh, Sae'llán
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