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Author Topic: Xun Darkwoe  (Read 45903 times)
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so orril miesefer
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« Reply #45 on: April 18, 2006, 12:06:23 PM »

... Did I missed something:\  One moment you're saying that any mage can hurt, then you're saying about tribe, then arguing with mods... What the ### have all that to do????

BTW, change the way you wrote the fire thing, you can do it in other way that looks more "respectable"..

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In this world the only thing that is always true is that everything changes, moves and tears apart, to latter return in a neverending dance inspired in the movement of wind. ~ So Orril Miés'éfer, Sky Tower Apprentice
Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #46 on: April 18, 2006, 12:44:23 PM »

Quote:
did I missed something?


Orill, i know i was being bad with spelling, but i'm not that bad.

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Your inner nature resides in your heart and your mind. If either of those are lost, everything that matters is no more
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #47 on: April 18, 2006, 01:19:23 PM »

ESL Xun.

Please be careful with such things as there are many whose English is not their first. This is a world-wide board. Please keep it respectful.

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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #48 on: April 18, 2006, 01:42:23 PM »

i am sorry Kalina.

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Your inner nature resides in your heart and your mind. If either of those are lost, everything that matters is no more
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #49 on: April 18, 2006, 12:48:23 PM »

You asked me to comment I believe...so here I am. My comments in Orange.

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: Male
Age:212
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed Description:

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall. How much does he way? Kind of muscular. How can you be "kind of" muscular? Expand upon this and make it a complete sentence. Hair color is black with blue streaks. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across one eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder. Where did he get this? It is not common to have such a tattoo. His bow is strung across his back and his quiver of arrows around his waist on the right side. A quiver on your waist is unusual. Why about his waist and not his back? Your bow and quiver should both fit - was they were created to in that manner. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip, and his armblades are in leather pockets on his thighs. Armblades on your thighs????? They seem to be a bit off for your choice of race and tribe. Why do you have armblades? Do explain and add detail. So much could be expanded upon in this paragraph. His complexion? How long is his hair? Does his scabbard/bow/quiver have any decorations?

Clothes: He wears a dark black robe with a grey sash wrapped about his waist.  On his back, he wears a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with red fur. Why red fur? A dark pair of trousers are covered by the robe. What color are the trousers?

Personality: A polite, calm, and peacful person who hates orcs for a good reason. Hmm. This doesn't make sense from how you described him. This could be added upon drastically. Tell us about him, what he is like. Take us inside of him. Why does he hate orcs? They are fairly civilized in this world and are not as barbariac as other places portray them to be. Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. When are those "Occasions"? And why just those occasions? He will only work for money, yet there are times the job appeals to his more sensative side and he will take no payment.

Stopping here and allowing you to catch up a bit before I continue. I will finish tomorrow.

Edited by: Kalina Merenwen at: 4/18/06 4:50
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #50 on: April 18, 2006, 01:52:23 PM »

thank you Kalina, i will look forward to having you approve me, but right now i will fix the mistakes.:nod  

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Your inner nature resides in your heart and your mind. If either of those are lost, everything that matters is no more
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #51 on: April 19, 2006, 12:45:23 AM »

I am back - but now with the this color of blue.

Name: Xun Darkwoe
Gender: (space between colon and "male") Male
Age: (space between colon and "212") 212
Race: (Space between colon and "Elf") Elf
Tribe: (Space between colorn and "Eophyrhim") Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed Description,

Physical Appearance: He is approximately 2 peds tall and he weighs 1 and a half pygges. This puts him at 6'6" and 150lbs. He is extremely underweight, especially if you want him to have a bit of muscle on his body. He looks kind of muscular, yet not to strong. Hair color is black with blue streaks. His eye color is dark blue and a jagged scar runs across on eye. He has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder that he got from searing from his tribe. "From searing from" - huh? His bow is strung across his back with his quiver of arrows (is on his back where he can reach) Delete the phrase in parantheses. His scimitar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. His armblades are underneath his sleeves. He has long hair, as does everyone in his tribe. His scabbard has a tree on it with many leaves around the tree. His quiver of arrows has a tree with a thin cricle of silver around it. In the leaves, there are eyes. Interesting. What is the significance of this? Why eyes? His bow has a shield with a thick silver border, and the shield is painted black. A shield bow? Or does he have a shield? This is confusing and if you did mean for his bow to have shield attached to it, wouldn't that cause problems with his shooting? This is VERY strange and very impractical. Silver studs are on every corner of the shield. The bow and the quiver together make insignia of his tribe.

Clothes: He wears a dark black robe Black cannot get any darker. Black is black. No more and no less. Delete "dark". A grey sash is wrapped about his waist and a black cloak, with no hood and trimmed with fur is on his back. A dark delete "dark" pair of black trousers are covered up by the robe.

Personality: A polite, calm, and peaceful person who hates orcs for a good reason (mentioned why in history). Usually silent yet he speaks on several occasions. These occasions are usually delete "usually". You over use it and makes things redundant and boring. when he has a conversation on a job or he is having th time of his life in a tavern. He will only take money but sometimes the job appeals to his more senstive side and he works for free. He also will usually Delete "usually"for his friends for free.

Strengths/Weaknesses
Strengths:

Armblade Profiecency: He is good with the armblades and can fight very well with them

Scimitar Profiecency: He is good with scimitars and can kill an enemy sometimes in one hit because of poison. What does poison have to do with his scimitars? And no poison is instantaneous as you are implying in this description.

Bow Proficency: He is fair at the bow but still needs a bit of practice.

Poison Creation: He is able to make poisons for his weapons, as all Eophyrhim elves can.

Remember about the poison eating away at metal. Depending on when he received these weapons - they may not be in the best of condition. Also, is this his only strengths? Weapon proficency?

Weaknesses:

Weak Eyes: He hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. Also, his tribe is nocturnal. He wouldn't care for the sun and bright light would bother him.

Major Fire Weakness: if somebody is a mage and uses fire magic, it can hurt Xun badly. Fire magic can also make Xun scared and hurt his eyes, for it destroyed his home. Well - fire will hurt anyone. Unless he was living with mages, he wouldn't know this and have experienced it until he was travelling and even then, it would be a rarity he would encounter someone who used fire magic, as most of them still reside in Ximax. I wouldn't say magic - but possibly fire in general he has an inate fear of it.

Hunting For Food: He is very interested with hunting, for he needs food for his wanderings. if a animal runs nearby, he stops thinking and tries to kill it. This makes him more barbariac than anything, animalistic. As an elf, he has more respect for the animals than simply food supply. He will not kill unless he is hungry. Just because you are Dark Elf does not mean you don't hold similar ideals like that of wood elves (which you are also technically).

I will go through the rest later. Please read ALL of my comments carefully and try to apply them to the poritions I have not covered yet. It will save you the marks and will save me time. Like capitalization and spelling - and universalizing the information.

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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #52 on: April 19, 2006, 12:53:23 AM »

thank you Kalina, I will fix the mistakes as soon as possible.

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Your inner nature resides in your heart and your mind. If either of those are lost, everything that matters is no more
Huma Mager
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« Reply #53 on: April 19, 2006, 03:32:23 AM »

Dear Xun,
 You could put posion on the scimitar.All you have to do is add a posion bottle on your possesions.

Your friend,
Huma Mager

Edited by: Huma Mager at: 4/18/06 20:01
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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #54 on: April 19, 2006, 05:33:23 AM »

So no need for me to comment on this one if you get such a detailed comment from Kalina (feel honoured!) . As soon as you have your first approval (possibly after fixing in detail all what she requested)  - I will see, if I can give you the second. :)  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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so orril miesefer
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« Reply #55 on: April 19, 2006, 09:29:23 AM »

Thanks Kali!! yes, my first language isn't english so I have many problems remembering words and spelling.

Now, I'm used to hear that coment, so NP.;)

BTW, I got better grades in english since I joined Santharia, I think I will make a thread for that.  

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In this world the only thing that is always true is that everything changes, moves and tears apart, to latter return in a neverending dance inspired in the movement of wind. ~ So Orril Miés'éfer, Sky Tower Apprentice
Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #56 on: April 19, 2006, 11:56:23 AM »

thank you guys for the comments. (and Talia, yes i am very honored to have Kalina help me) i am still waiting for more comments, but i think i will comment on others while i am waiting.

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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #57 on: April 19, 2006, 11:20:23 AM »

You still have not fixed everything from my previous two checks and I went back over stuff I had already gone over with my first check.

I would suggest you fix everything before I come back through so I do not become redundant.

Yes, capitalization and spelling is important. I have corrected much of it for you but none of it is changed.

Edited by: Kalina Merenwen at: 4/19/06 3:21
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Brighid McLir
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« Reply #58 on: April 20, 2006, 08:56:23 AM »

I suppose my comment was lost in the mess. That's fine. The mods knew umpteen times more about this then I do.
Please fix the phrases that I pointed out. I know RL can be hectic, but its been a number of days.  

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Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #59 on: April 20, 2006, 10:36:23 AM »

thanks for the reply Brighid. Kalina, i hope you like my edit, i checked capitalization and spelling, and changed a few things around. i am getting mad at my self for being so stupid:explode >:  

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