Xun Darkwoe

[Xun Darkwoe]

Quote:even me noticed that.

Orill, you di it wrong. even I noticed that.

[so orril miesefer]

See, if I noted your spellings is really bad  

[Xun Darkwoe]

i kinda agree
.

[Brighid McLir]

I'm not a mod either, nor a titled character, but...
*twitches*
Your phrasing needs fixing. It's driving me nuts.

Ex~ ...can kill an enemy with maybe one hit ....
I understand you're using aproximates, but the phrasing is akward, and makes for a twitchy read.

Ex~...hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes...
Flowery or not? Make up thy mind, elf. You dance around, back and forth, from flowery and confident, to tentative and choppy.
Not that I can say anything about being choppy, as my CD was choppier then yours until recently, but still...

Ex~...He was born from a lady in the eophyrhim tribe,....
I didn't know he was born from a lady, I thought he was born from a gentleman, or possibly a hermaphordite.
Sorry, I couldn't pass up the oppertunity to tease you about that...

You might want to run this puppy through a spell check on your word processor or something, and make sure you capitalize things, por favor,

[Xun Darkwoe]

thank you, i will fix my mistakes as soon as possible. ach, could you stick around and comment some more? i really need help. i signed up yesterday, and i am not really sure about some of this stuff.  

[Brighid McLir]

*grins* I've only been on for less then a week, either.

[Xun Darkwoe]

grreeaaattt... that's nice to know. i'm getting commented by a complete newbie. sorry just kidding. couldn't pass that off *grins and pats brighid on the back*

[Twén Aråerwén]

@ Marv.: Xun gave me permission to delete his other thread and I did so.

@Xun: Welcome to Santharia! Thanks for the ezmails, as I have stated before "They really help me organize who needs my help." I am kinda flighty so thank you for your patience. My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange. My own humble opinions, ideas or just general blabberings will be in: Red

Name: Xun Darkwoe Darkwoe is not very elven, possibly it is a nickname given him by others?
Gender:Male
age:212
Race:Elf
tribe:Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
title: dark wanderer

detailed description,
physical appearance: approx. 2 peds tall. kind of muscular. pretty strong and good with scimatars, archery, and arm blades.Good with his weapons is not de*****ive of how he appears. hair color is black with blue streaks. eye color is dark blue. a jagged scar runs across on eye and he has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder. Describing his weapons and where they are worn upon him would add a bit more depth here IMHO.

clothes: a dark black robe with a grey sash, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with red fur. a dark pair of trousers covered up by the robe.

personality: a polite, calm, and peacful person who hates orcs for a good reason.usually silent yet talks on several occasions. usually takes money but sometimes take jobs for free.

tribe:eophyrhim dark elves<-- You have his tribe listed above, therefore this is not needed.

strengths/weaknesses
strengths: good with scimatars and can kill an enemy sometimes in one hit because of poison. good with arm blades and good with blending into dark shadows and attacking from behind. also good with a bow and can hit an enemy from a ways away. You have him good with three seperate weapons, odds are that he could not be so well trained in this many weapons. Good with the scimitar and the armblades with only being a fair archer seems more probable. As for the poisons .... does he make them and if not, where is it that he gets them. Mentioning this in his history would be helpful.

weaknesses: he hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. if somebody is a mage and uses light magic, There is no such thing as "Light Magic", only magic that creates light. Like fire and such. it can hurt Xun badly. is not good when fighting another elf. he can be hurt by someone who attacks by a long lance, which he is not good defending against. he is not good at defending himself, which is why he comes from behind. Not knowing how to fight or weaknesses in a fighting skill are not considered weaknesses. As most people have no idea how to fight. Therefore none of the blue section is a weakness. You will need a few more weaknesses to balance out all the fighting skills you have.

history: He was born from a lady in the eophyrhim tribe, who had long black hair. He was unusually smart for a elf. When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by Orcs that had a caravan pass through the forest that got attacked, and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw the corpses of the tribe and all the trees were burnt. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the Orcs. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors. He found some Orcs and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the Orcs without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his eye. When he was 112 he started to use his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own. He goes north into the forest some more, hoping to find other elves. He was starting to starve. The animals of the forest ran away because of the fire. He had to resort to attacking humans to eat, yet he had trouble killing them. He finally went farther away where there were more animals. He got some more food from dear. When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They offered him food, shelter, and protection. Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves. He left the tribe of Elves when he was 137 to look some more for his tribe. He was not sucessful. He was still looking for other elves when he stumbled into a Human encampment. The humans saw him and took to arms to fight. He managed to escape and also took down 2 humans, but he was wounded on his arm and could not fight good. He was 142 when Orcs found him and took him prisoner. He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food. He was 149 when he learned of the Iferhem elves nearby and decided to go there. He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 159 and got into a fight with a mage. He had already poisoned the mage, but the mage still cast magic. Xun ran away and maintaned his distance between humans. He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon. They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and orcs attacked them and killed Xeon. He manged to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend. He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe. He was 178 when he wandered out of the forest. He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food out of the deer running in the fields. He was 183 when humans saw him and attacked him. Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming. He was 192 when he entered an Elven town and got new arrows for his bow. He then realized how he had left the forest! He stayed at the town for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest. Your history is what we call a brick. It needs to be seperated into paragraphs as reading one long continuous paragraph is hard on the eyes. Seperate it into paragraphs and I shall comment on it after you have made some of the edits I have mentioned.

Weapons: a scimatar, a pair of armblades, and a bow.

belongings: because of the attack, he does not have much, he has a silver necklace from his mother. and a silver ring from his father.

familiars: alas, he did have a horse with black fur, but it was killed in the battle. he has none.

I hope my comments have helped you, hopefully they head you into the right direction to becoming titled soon. If you have any questions please feel free to ask them here, as there are many people that are willling to help you. Or just send me ezmails with your questions and I shall do my best to help you.

~ Bows gracefully and departs~

(¦:···÷ ¦:·The first morning after acquiring her familiar, the mage awoke with fleabites and mange.·:¦ ÷··:¦)

.·´`·.Master Elf Age Calculator.·´`·.Twén Aråerwén's CD.·´`·.

.·´`·.The School of Fire Magic.·´`·.

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 4/17/06 2:48

[Xun Darkwoe]

thank you ever so much Twen. i read your character and she is       WAY better then mine. i can't think why you would not be a MOD. anyways, thank you very much for pointing out mistakes. i will fix them A.S.A.P. is it alright if i ezmail you again when i am finished so you can check it again, perhaps? you are really good and i want you to check again when i am finished.  

Edited by: Xun Darkwoe at: 4/17/06 2:38

[Brighid McLir]

*sticks tounge out at Xun*

[Xun Darkwoe]

what did i do? what did i not bow down? well here  

[Thorgas Ironforge]

To Master Miesefer:
Oh,My apologies, Master Miesefer. Guess my eyes aren't what they used to be.  

To Master Darkwoe:
How are things going friend? glad to know that you are doing well in your CD. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about mine.  
Once again thank you for inviting me to look at your CD. I'm no moderator, and certainly not good at making comments, but I'll try my best. (Try to memorize this phrase. )
First: Try to correct the things that are pointed out by Lady McLir, Lady Araerwen, Master Miesefer, and Master Cerambit. It will help greatly in improving your CD. As the saying goes: " A bad weed will still grow unless you cut off the roots." simply saying, fix the root of the problem, and everything will go smooth. Count on it.  
Second: Please fix the your spelling, grammar, and structure of your sentences, as it is difficult to understand your sentences. I might have overlooked something, but then again, I'm not good at commenting.  
Third: In your physical appearance, I noticed that you included your weapons and where they are located in your detailed descriptionn the physical appearance part. Please note that it is for your physical appearance; so it should include only your scars, eye color, hair color, hair style, eye shadowing, etc. You can describe your weapons in the Weapons section of your CD.
Fourth: I think all the comments I will give will be answered by the First comment.  
Fifth: Never forget that your fellow Elves here are ready to help their people in need, so try asking them questions. They'll help, count on it.
Sixth: Again Master Miesefer, my apologies for the mistake.
Seventh: Never ask master Cerambit to sing in the Thirsty Herald.
Eighth: have a nice day  

Edited by: Thorgas Ironforge at: 4/17/06 14:58

[Xun Darkwoe]

Thank you, Master Ironforge. will look forward to speaking to you again.

[Drasil Razorfang]

I comment and edit in lime

Name: Xun Darkwoe (Darkwoe is a nickname for he kept forgetting and his parents died so they could not tell them.) Shouldn't this just be in your history?  Look at my character.  He also recieved a nickname, but you can just add an explanation in your history
Gender:Male
Age:212
Race:Elf
Tribe:Eophyrhim Dark Elves
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Dark Wanderer

Detailed De*****ion:
space
Physical Appearance: approximately 2 peds tall. He is kind of muscular. His hair is black with blue streaks. His eyes are dark blue. A jagged scar runs across on eye and he has a tattoo of a dragon on his right shoulder. His bow is strung across his back and his quiver of arrows around his waist on the right side. his scimatar is in his black scabbard around his left hip. and his armblades are in leather pockets on his thighs.  You need to capitalize and use full sentences.  Reread this paragraph to look for grammar mistakes.

Clothes: Xun wears a dark black robe with a gray sash, along with a black cloak with no hood and trimmed with red fur. a dark pair of trousers covered up by the robe.  (awkward sentence)

Personality: a polite, calm, and peacful person(you forget his is a dark elf.  they are more vicious then others) who hates orcs for a good reason(why).  Usually silent yet talks on several occasions. usually takes money but sometimes take jobs for free.  (make full sentences here as well)

strengths/weaknesses
space
strengths: good with scimatars and can kill an enemy sometimes in one hit because of poison. good with arm blades and good with blending into dark shadows and attacking from behind. However, he is not great with the bow and is still practicing with it. he is able to make the poison as almost all eophyrhim elves can.  (break this up into individual aspects of strenghts and weaknesses.  Try to provide a sentence or two de*****ion of each)

Weaknesses: he hates bright colors for they hurt his eyes. if somebody is a mage and uses fire magic, it can hurt Xun badly. Fire magic can also make Xun scared and hurt his eyes(repetative.  you already said this), for it destroyed his home. He also is very interested with hunting, for he needs food for his wanderings. if a animal runs nearby, he stops thinking and tries to kill it.  (see above)

History: He was born from a lady in the Eophyrhim tribe, who had long black hair(as does everyone in his tribe...). He was unusually smart for a elf. When he was 93, his tribe was attacked by Orcs that had a caravan pass through the forest that got attacked, and he had to run away until the noise stopped. When he came back, he saw the corpses of the tribe and all the trees were burnt. He was very angry and unhappy. He wanted to get revenge on the Orcs. He found his weapons and after taking some food, he left to find survivors. (Confusing)

He found some Orcs and wanted to get revenge. Anger got the best side of him. He attacked the Orcs without thinking and got hit a lot. He managed to escape, but he got a jagged scar across his eye.

When he was 112 he started to use his weapons much more. He got better with them and was starting to hunt on his own. He went north into the forest some more, hoping to find other elves. He was starting to starve. The animals of the forest ran away because of the fire. He had to resort to attacking humans to eat, yet he had trouble killing them. He finally went farther away where there were more animals. He got some more food from deer. (tenses.  You use like 80 tenses in this)

When he was 124, he found Elves, yet not his kind. They offered him food, shelter, and protection. Xun accepted and stayed there for a number of years, Practicing his weapons and fighting animals such as wolves(Most Elven tribes would be angered at him for taking the life of a beast without cause). He left the tribe of Elves when he was 137 to look some more for his tribe(huh). He was not sucessful.

He was still looking for other elves when he stumbled into a Human encampment. The humans saw him and took to arms to fight. He managed to escape and also took down 2 humans, but he was wounded on his arm and could not fight good.  (grammar.  And why would humans attack an elf on sight.  they had no good reason too unless they were fighting one of the tribes which I do not think is happening currently)

He was 142 when Orcs found him and took him prisoner. He was chained up for 5 years and then escaped when a guard gave him food. (sounds more like human behavior.  I do not know much about orcs, but if they hated his tribe enough to slaughter them, why not just kill him?)

He was 149 when he learned of the Iferhem elves nearby and decided to go there. He was taken and was given food and shelter for a few years. He left when his wound healed at age 159 and got into a fight with a mage. He had already poisoned the mage, but the mage still cast magic. Xun ran away and maintaned his distance between humans(HUH?? that is really confusing and makes no sense.  First, elves heal extremely quickly.  Secondly, why would he avoid humans if he fough a battle with an Elven mage?).

He finally came to another Elf of his tribe named Xeon. They were friends for awhile until Xun was 167 and orcs attacked them and killed Xeon  (there seem to be WAY to man y orc tribes wandering through random elven lands...). He managed to get away, deeply hurt in his feelings for losing a friend(confusing). He named his bow after Xeon and started naming his other weapons. He named his arm blades Slash and Slit, and named his scimatar Eophyr, after his tribe.

He was 178 when he wandered out of the forest. He was going into the plains. He noticed less trees, but his anger and confusion got the best of him, leading him to wander. He got better and better with his weapons, and got a lot better with archery. He got food out of the deer,  running in the fields.

He was 183 when humans saw him and attacked him. Xun was ready. He ran to the side and slashed an enemy with his sword and hit another enemy with his bow. After this he ran off because of more humans coming.

He was 192 when he entered an Elven town and got new arrows for his bow. He then realized how he had left the forest! He stayed at the town for 12 years and then wandered back at the plains for a few years. He is now 212 and is still wandering back to the forest.
(This seems just to be a battle log.  Did he do anything outsid of battle for 212 years?  Maybe he had a lover or tried to become a mage?)
Weapons: a scimatar, a pair of armblades, and a bow.

belongings: because of the attack, he does not have much, he has a silver necklace from his mother. and a silver ring from his father. (mention these in his history)

familiars: alas, he did have a horse with black fur, but it was killed in the battle. he has none.


I stoppped correcting your sentences an capitalization because there is so many mistakes and it was overwhelming.  Reread through the whole thing and try to add subjects to your sentences.

Drasil Razorfang CD

[Brighid McLir]

That was for the comment at the top of the page, wench. Not for not bowing to the mighty Brighid.
^^

I see that you still haven't fixed your phrasing and mistakes. I will beat you up if you don't fix it, duck.
Do I need to point them all out?

Edited by: Brighid McLir at: 4/17/06 17:39

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