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Author Topic: QuŠel/Quaelhoirhim/Fighter  (Read 9648 times)
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QuŠel
PathFinder
Approved Character
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Posts: 103


Elf, Quaelhoirhim


« on: December 18, 2011, 03:04:51 AM »

Name
QuŠel CŠr'tuulťn (Bright Death)

Gender
Female

Age
395 years

Race
Elf

Tribe
Quaelhoirhim

Occupation
I am an adventurer, or mercenary if you will. I can man shops when the owner is out of town, be a body guard if needed, go hunt down some orcs, whatever must be done I can, and will do it. Of course a little bribing doesn't hurt, something to increase my wealth maybe. Of course I have done some bigger jobs; winning back powerful weapons from evil doers, going into dungeons turning every corner not knowing what is going to chop your head off with a sword next, things such as that.

Title
PathFinder

Appearance
   Height
I am 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 2 Palmspans, 3 Nailsbreadths, 4 Grains tall.

   Weight
I am 1 Pygge, 8 Hebs, 4 Ods, 1 Mut.

   Hair
I have a little past shoulder length brown semi-straight hair.

   Eye Colour
I have the strangest eyes you will ever see out of any female elf. They are completely covered in blackness, no white and no pupil.  

   Skin Colour
I have very golden skin.

   Physical Appearance
My hair is a mix between dark brown and black. My eyes are like looking into a deep, dark abyss, with no ending. I got these eyes from my first encounter with Keeshaunka, he has cursed me to see deep dark things no living being should ever see. These dark visions come and go whenever they please, you never get used to them. I have many scars, one that runs the length of my forearm, one on my stomach, and one that runs the length of my left cheek right under my eye. The scar which runs the full length of my forearm, was caused by a fall from one of the tallest trees in the forest I grew up in. The one on my stomach is from being stabbed by one of the most sharpest blades I have ever felt, the blade belonged to my worst enemy of all, Keeshaunka. The scar which runs the length of my left cheek right below my eye was from a prison guard I attempted to escape from (which I ended up doing later on). I have a curved female body and a small frame.

Clothing
I am constantly on the move, never in one place for a long period of time. Therefore all of my clothing is meant for harsh and extreme weather conditions. I wear a thin suit of leather armor underneath my cloaks. I have three different kinds of cloaks; two are made from cotton and one from silk. The cloak made of silk is a shade of dark blue, while one from cotton is vibrant green, and the other from cotton is a dark shade of purple. With my cloaks I wear a broach that I obtained on my 30th birthday. On my right hand I have three rings; one made of gold, one of silver, and the other bronze. My left hand contains two rings both made of silver. I also wear a necklace that shows my tribal coat of arms, a gleaming sword engraved with the eye of AvŠ. To protect my feet from extreme weather, I wear high soft boots that come up to my knees. To carry my more useless miscellaneous items I carry a leather back pack on my shoulders everywhere I travel.

Personality
I am always honest, I always have been and always will be. Never in all of my 395 years of life have I once lied about anything to anybody. I am very confident in myself which has its pros and cons. I may get a little cocky sometimes, but my confidence has made me not only strong physically but strong mentally. My father gave me some very wise words one day when we were hunting in the forest he said, "We all have light and dark inside of us, it is what part we choose to act on that matters." Although I am not always choosing the "light" side, I have been told by many that I am a kind person. I have anger issues, I try, but usually fail to not have a fight be about revenge, because if I want revenge on someone I will be angry at them and anger gets in the way of tactical fighting. I trust no one but myself, for in the past many that have been close to me, have betrayed me. I am very outgoing and will talk with almost anyone except for magic users.

Strengths
Fatigue is something I am not very familiar with. It takes a lot of fighting for me to even break a sweat.
I am very good with bow and arrow, growing up in the woods and hunting as a child really helped me develop this skill.  
My high charisma allows me better pay for jobs I am asked to do.
Since I was a child I absolutely loved running, I could run for hours and hours on end. I practically learned how to run before I learned how to walk if that is possible.
I am always on the move, so I have become quite resourceful as well.  

Weaknesses
Water is not my strong suite, it is one of my greatest weaknesses, because I cannot swim.
Anger during battle ruins my attempted tactical approach to the battlefield.
I can sometimes become too overconfident.
Since I was a child I have had a great fear of magic, I'm reluctant to hang around mages, and since Keeshaunka I not only fear it, but I hate it. This limits where I can go and who I talk to.  
My greatest set back of all is the curse that befell me during my first encounter with Keesahaunka. The dark images he sends to my mind are so horrific that sometimes I enter a state of temporary madness. QuŠel got cursed from Keeshaunka who is an evil cleric from Seyella.

History

The Beginning of the End
My father out hunting, my mother laying in bed informed that she had a living being inside of her. . . me. In the forest of Zeiphyrian I was born, as my life began, my mother's ended. My beloved mother never got to hear my cry, or see me grow, for once I came into the world, she had left it. Father held me close, so close to where I could feel the beat of his heart. He wept for my mother from sunrise until sunset, and I wept as well, confused at what had happend. For although the end for one, it was the beginning for another.

The Great Elk
I awoke to the sound of my father's voice. Opening my eyes I sat bolt upright, thinking I had overslept. Today was one of the greatest days of my life, my father was going to take me hunting. The previous day I had obtained one of my most prized possesions until this very day, a hand crafted longbow created my the best craftsmen in our tribe. I strung my bow, put my hunting knife in its sheath, and swung my quiver full of arrows around my back and onto my shoulders. My father and I walked for a very long time until suddenly he made an abrupt stop. I nearly walked into him, for I had not been paying attention. As I looked up at him questioningly, wondering why we had suddenly stopped, he said, "This is the exact spot where I hunted my first time, and to my amazement got a wild boar." I was so excited at these words that immediately I searched and found the tallest tree I could find, and started to climb it. Father followed suite, he was perched up in the tree directly across from my own. Excitement was soon lost as we had sat very still and silently for hours, and to no avail. I had begun to take my first step down the tree, when immediately I froze. The most beautiful and majestic elk I had ever laid eyes on stood grazing directly below me. But my footing was amiss, and then I began to fall to the hard forest floor. My attempt to grab on to one of the branches failed, and I continued to fall.

Rude Awakening
Searing pain, I felt is though my whole arm would just burst open any second. I almost didn't dare open my eyes for fear of what I would see. But my curiousity won the best of me, and when I opened my eyes here is what I saw; two medicinal herb healers around me, one long, deep, wide cut in my left arm, and my father. The tallest of the healers opened a vial containing a brownish green liquid, which he then poured into my gash, the pain was so great I again fell unconsious.

30th Birthday
One year passed, now containing a scar from my fall down the tree. Tomorrow I will be turning thirty, a very special day for me and my father. Many people from the tribe were set to come to my birthday party, it was to be held in a large clearing in the forest. I could hardly sleep that night, knowing I had a long but fun and exciting day ahead. As I entered the clearing I recieved a huge "Happy Birthday!" from everyone who came to my party. It was the best thing ever; everyone with huge smiles on their faces (especially me), many decorations all over the trees, multiple long wooden tables set out for guests to sit and eat, on the tables many different foods were set out from all over the forest. There was; meat of every kind, fruits freshly picked, drinks of clear water from the springs and red wine from the finest vineyard, and the greenest of green vegetables freshly picked from many gardens. On this day I received a broach which is very common for an elf in the Quaelhoirhim tribe  on their 30th birthday. Every broach of course being different from the previous and the next, by broach consists of sapphire, because before the curse, my eyes were the color of sapphire. I thanked all of my guests for coming on this wonderous day, and as the last of the guests filed out, so did my father and I.

Brother I Never Had
Growing up with only father, it was natural that I became very close to him. I never thought of how life would be without him, until I was forced to. Very plainly and simply, on a normal day in the forest, he died. All I could do was to hold him close, never ending streams of tears falling down my face. I didn't move from that position for many hours, just holding him there, sobbing. There was a knock on the door, I didn't get up, more knocking, still I cradled by father, then I heard the door burst open. It was Cull, my best friend since my early years. He came to my side at once, now tears falling from both Cull and I. After awhile he tried to pull me up on to my feet, saying, "You're ok, it's ok, your father is happy, he loves you." But I resisted, I couldn't let go, yet I was so weak, that I let Cull pull me away. Cull was the only one I wanted by my side that day, the only one who could truly understand the loss I felt, for he too had lost both his parents at a very young age. I was the only one that could understand him, and he, the only one that could understand me.    

Farewell
I had many friends in the Zeiphyrian forest, some that I would never forget. But once my father had passed, I felt I couldn't stay any longer. So I left, but with goodbyes, for I would never see these lovely people again. But one person came with me, he felt there was nothing left in the forest for him, he had many friends but none like me, and he had no blood family left, this feeling, we shared. Walking along the forest floor, not knowing where exactly I was going, my only companion, Cull.

Water
Cull and I didn't have a destination, we just went. We would stop at a few small towns here and there, but what we were searching for was jobs. Not jobs that would keep us in one place though. So, we became mercenaries, all of the jobs we recieved were fairly easy, but there is one I can remember, that wasn't. We had traveled to a place called Nyermersys, Cull and I were receiving information on a rather curious case, the man who gave us the job, Hank, was also a rather curious case. We were told there was a river that ran through the Rayne mountains not too far from the town that was a major import area, but bands of marauders were killing the traders and stealing the goods. "The town can't keep up much longer, we have begun to run out of food, please help us." Of course we said yes, but not until making sure there was pay, for although we were kind hearted elves, this was our job. Although I was ready to take care of the robbers, I wasn't quite ready to take care of the water. The river was huge, it was wide, and of course very long. Hank had said that the humans attack on the other side of the river, so somehow we had to get to the other side. The town had lent us a boat, but I still could not fathom the idea of getting that close to the water. Cull knew I couldn't swim, and was prepared to save me at all costs if I fell in. The river's flow wasn't fast, but if you fell in you would be taken away if you couldn't swim. The boat was in the water, tied to the bank, Cull got in first, then it was my turn. I got in very slowly, and then slipped on the side of the bank, and fell in, to the boat. What a relief, I thought to myself, but as I was getting up off the floor of the boat, it tipped. I hadn't been in a boat at all since this time, therefore I didn't know the balance of them. The current immediately took me away, and I was subued by water. I tried very hard to keep my head above the water, but it seemed the harder I tried, the more I sunk. I felt so weak and tired. . . then I let go, Cull was out of sight, and I sunk to the bottom. Right before water filled my lungs, I found myself nailsbreadths away from the floor of the river. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. . . "Please, QuŠel! Please, don't leave me." I thought I was dead, but whose voice was this, then I coughed, and huge amounts of water exited my body. My clothes were stuck to my skin, I was completely soaked. Cull smiled, trails of tears visible on his face.

Marauders
"We're on the other side, you made it QuŠel!" I returned his smile and stood up, "Now the robbers." We sat up in the trees, waiting for the goblins to arrive, I had my bow out and Cull had his knives. Then, in the distance, we heard them, Cull and I exchanged glances of excitment, and we were ready. As soon as I saw one, I took a shot, there was a sound of pain and agony, and I knew it was dead. Another one dead, I looked over at Cull and one of his knives were missing, I gave him a thumbs up. Two more of the humans with arrows sticking in them, but this time, not dead. All the sudden they were climbing up the trees, they were too close for my bow, so I took out my sword, and the fight began. Cull was fighting two with his knife, the ones that had already been injured. The human I was fighting attempted two thrusts at my stomach with his crudely made dagger, my leather armor save me, my oppurtunity when he opened himself up for a third stab, but I missed. This man was extremely agile, no doubt the leader of the group, then I saw Cull get thrown to the ground. The two of the robbers jumped on him, and started hacking away. I pushed the man I was fighting aside in utter anger, and attacked the ones on Cull. I was swinging my sword aimlessly, I was angry and nothing mattered more to me at that moment than to kill the robbers. One of them went down after multiple swings, the other turned to look at who had done this to his companion, Cull took advantage of his enemies mistake, and that was the end of him. One more human, but he fled. We successfully completed our job, and we were eager to find a nice room, and finally go to sleep. Cull was breathing very heavily and sweat was pouring down his face, but I was breathing as if I had not just fought, and no sweat dripped off my skin. In the morning we spoke with Hank telling him the good news, he was so happy that he paid us right away, but he gave me a little more saying, "You are one charming elf QuŠel." He winked at me, and we were on our way, outside the inn I split the extra sans I had recieved with Cull.    

Rock and Hard Place
Cull and I had journeyed many places together after leaving the forest. We got many jobs here and there and got fairly wealthy. With these newly aquired sans I bought 3 rings, one gold, one silver, and the other bronze. Cull and I had been through so much together, so many battles we fought together, it was clear we would both do anything for each other. But one day. . . our friendship was lost, forgotten, never to be seen again. Through our many travels, we always were ones to hear a lot of rumors from the "locals." More and more we started hearing about a man, or beast as some called him, named, Keeshaunka. And, more and more Cull started to drift away from me. I will never forget the day that Cull and I fought over sans, he blamed me for taking his pay, but I had done nothing of the sort, we were always straight up with each other. I would never steal, let alone from by best friend, I told him he could take some of mine then, he insisted that I admit to my crime. All I kept saying was, "I didn't steal from you, you're my best friend," he wouldn't listen. Then, out of nowhere, Cull pulled out his knife, and hit me broad side with the hilt, my head got hit by the hilt then was thrown into the wall, and a familiar sensation fell over me, unconsciousness.

Disloyalty
I awoke with a start, attempting to take in my surroundings. It was difficult, so many thoughts swimming around in my head. "Why am I here?", "How did I get here?" I couldn't remember how or why I was here, let alone what "here" meant. My eyes came into focus; I was lying on a dirt floor, stone walls surrounded me, chains and shackles bound my wrists and ankles. . . a prison cell. The only items I had was a white shirt, black cotton pants, and my tribal coat of arms. My feet were bare and cold, dry blood made a trail down my face and onto the white shirt. Then I heard footsteps echoing down the hall, coming towards me. But I sat still because I knew the chains that held me to the wall wouldn't allow me to do anything, and there was no use struggling at the moment. The footsteps halted, I turned my head, and there, directly outside the iron bars that imprisoned me. . . Cull. He looked changed, sunken features, blood shot eyes, ruffled hair, and he no longer wore the coat of arms of the Quaelhoirhim tribe. He was wearing black leather and carried a long sword in a black scabbard at his side. "Cull. . .?" "Is there something you would like to say, QuŠel ?" "There are several things I would like to say!" "(snickering)" "You were my friend. . . ! You were my FRIEND!" "(calmly) There's no need to shout." "You were there for me when no one esle was, and you betrayed me, (crying) I trusted you!" "It seems you have misplaced your trust. I am a tolerant person, but one thing I will not stand for QuŠel CŠr'tuulťn, is disloyalty-" "(shaking head while crying) Disloyalty. . . " "Good bye old friend, I'll be seeing you soon, for now here's some water, but be careful, it might be poisoned (laughing insanely)."

One More Limb
My vision was blurred, my eyes swimming with unstoppable tears. Nothing mattered anymore, everyone I had ever cared for and loved, left me alone, whether by death, or betrayal. Was this a nightmare? One that I would awake from any second. . . no, I was brought back to reality by the soreness of my muscles from the stone wall I was forced to lean against. My lips were dry and cracked, so I drank, whether the water was poisoned or not, living or dying meant nothing to me anymore. I drank one large gulp from the water skin, leaving it half empty. I allowed my head to rest on my shoulder, then I sneezed, and as my head lurched forward, my hair got caught. I pulled my hair out of where it was catching, strange, I thought to myself, it was catching not on the rusty metal of the chains, but the place where the chians were connected to the wall. I noticed that the shackels were connected to the stone by a sort of hardened clay. Since I am very resouceful (one of my greatest strengths), I figured it out in a matter of seconds, I found a way to escape! I reached for the water skin, opened it up, and then I poured a few drops of it onto the hardened clay. The chain was very deeply placed in the stone, but after I poured several more drops onto the clay, the chain became very easy to manuver, after what seemed like days, one of my arms were free. I only had enough water to free one more limb, so after a few more tiring hours my other arm was freed.

Escape
Now all I had to do was get my legs free. I found a sharp piece of metal from one of the chain links that I broke from the wall, and I dug at the dirt floor to get the shackels out from the ground. Once I got them loose enough I pulled with my remaining strength, and now I could move freely about the cell. The room, or cell, if you will, was rather large. It of course contained nothing more than walls, dirt, chains, and the iron bars that were keeping me locked in. Since all of my weapons had been stripped from me during my capture, I took the chains. I heard someone coming down the hall, I had a plan. A prison guard came to my cell, he was a very broad shouldered man with many scars, he wielded a dagger in his right hand, and sitting in a sheath dangling on his right hip, was a sword. He turned to face my cell, the moment that our eyes found each other, I attacked, wrapping the chain around his neck and strangling him. But he did not leave me unscathed, he swung his dagger around wildly, aiming for my face; I could feel the friction of the blade against my cheek, missing my eye by 2 nailsbreadths. I heard the dagger drop to the floor with a thud on the dirt, I figured he was dead, but for safety measures, and from anger, I stabbed him with his own blade, he fell dead to the floor. The keys were conveniently in my reach, and I escaped.

Traitor
I threw the chain to the floor and took the dagger and sword from the now dead prison guard. With absolutley no sense of where I was going I took the left passage. This passage was very narrow but very high. My muscles were very tight and sore, so I moved at a very slow pace, which didn't matter anyway. At that moment I was completley surrounded by guards all wielding short swords. They came at me with full strength, not meaning to kill, but to disarm me. I wouldn't go down without a fight, so I pulled out my sword, instantly killing two of the guards. But they kept coming, replacing the fallen, one of them was massive, and took me down with one swipe. I was dragged to a circular room; a chair was sitting on top of a raised platform in the back of the room, there were two large treasure chests on either side, and a large circular table in the center. The door made a huge echoeing slam behind me, then, darkness fell. As soon as it came, it went, for a huge bright blue flame ignited on the raised platform, and now, sitting in the chair, was a very scrawny and malnourished looking man. He had black metal armor on, he wielded a charred wood staff with a black gem on top, a hood was shrouding his face, and he spoke, "I am Keeshaunka." His voice was barely above a whisper, but I heard these words as if he was standing right next to me. All of the sudden my body lurched forward, and a huge black mass came hurling towards me, I flew through the air and hit a wall with massive force. My body now levitating off the ground; I saw my old friends from the forest being brutally murdered, my father in his hour of death, and me being tortured in horrible ways, and then my body fell to the floor. Cull was standing above me, laughing, then he spit in my face. Again I heard Keeshaunka as though he was right next to me, "Get up!" As soon as I got my feet on the ground I saw Keeshaunka running towards me, stabbing me with full force, running me through with his blade. I fell to my knees, breathing became very difficult, I searched for help, "Cull", but he never came. . . Keeshaunka had no mercy, he bent down, he looked me in the eyes, and I looked straight back at his, and he twisted the blade that was in me, he said, "You are weak", and then took it out.

Clearer
I heard the door of the circular room burst open, and then swirling images distorted the room, people shouting, then everything went black. A bright white light filled my eyes, they hurt so bad I thought they would pop right out of their sockets. I tried so hard to open them, to see if I had gone blind. When I finally pryed them open, my head pounding and everything sounded so loud. The world around me was so beautiful, but horrible images entered the crevices of my mind; Cull was being stabbed repeatedly by Keeshaunka, and he was left to die. I began running around the room wildly, throwing anything I could get my hands on, pulling at my hair, and ripping the blankets off the bed. A knock on the door, "Is everything alright in there?" I threw a glass full of water at the wall and it shattered, "Hello, are you ok in there?" I started hitting the wall with my fists, then the door opened, and two men came barreling into my room, trying to restrain me. My body fell limp in their grasps, and they laid me down on the bed. My eyes hurt, but I looked at them and asked what happened, all they could do was shake their heads questioningly. After my fit I went down to the bar to get a few drinks, I was at a tavern, I didn't know how I had gotten there, nor did I care.

Inside the Package
I sat very silent while everyone else in the tavern was dancing, throwing darts or gambling, and of course talking with  friends. But I didn't have any friends anymore, none that I could pour my heart out to, and that could console me even in my darkest hours. The tavern owner approached me, he was a big burly man with a mustache, his name was William. He asked, "You're QuŠel CŠr'tuulťn right?" I responded with a nod. "Well some odd lookin' fella dropped this off for you this mornin." It was a package made of black leather, I brought it up to my room. I opened the package cautiously, because I didn't know who it was from. The contents were precious; my beloved hand crafted longbow that I had gotten as a present from my father when I was 29 years old, a sword, a letter, and the tribal coat of arms of the Quaelhorihim tribe.
I unfolded the letter, and here is what it said;
"To my dearest friend,
I will never forget you or the times that we shared. Our lives were far from easy, but I wouldn't change a thing.
We will see each other again, that is certain. I want you to only remember me for the good things I have done and not the bad,
I am sorry,
Your brother---------"
The rest didn't need to be written down, I knew now who the package was from, and I cried. I saw the sunlight enter the room from the window, I hadn't slept at all. I just kept reading the letter over and over, as if I could bring Cull back, but I knew Keeshaunka well enough to know that he wouldn't spare Cull's life. I put my leather armor on, put my sword into its sheath and onto my hip, wrapped myself in one of my traveling cloaks, and the rest of my items into my backpack. I went down the stairs and out the door without a single word to anyone, and I was off, once again, but this time, I went alone.

Possessions
 Clothing
My three traveling cloaks, by leather backpack, and my boots. I have my rings and my tribal coat of arms along with my broach. I carry the letter from Cull and his tribal coat of arms around my neck in a leather pouch.
 Weapons
I have a long sword along with a black leather sheath. I carry two knives and my longbow along with a quiver full of 15 arrows.  
 Miscellaneous
I have 57 sans carried in a belt pouch around my waist. I also carry a water skin, a rope, and a tinder box.

  
« Last Edit: July 05, 2012, 12:01:21 AM by QuŠel » Logged

Nothing peirces the soul more than eyes do.
QuŠel
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1536


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2011, 04:03:41 AM »

Hi and welcome to Santharia,

The biggest thing that I would suggest to you is to include additional returns after each section of your CD, so that there are some gaps between each section.

Title: This should be one/two/three words at the most, and should give others the chance to tell at a glance what to expect from you, it also appears under your name when you become approved and are able to join stories, and we have a limit on how long they can be.

With regards to height and weight, you don't necessarily need to go to grains and muts. 'Earth's Core' ... Caelereth is a disc and I'm not sure if it has a core as such. A minor thing, but you might like to consider that ... the dwarves did unearth some ancient horrors sometime in the past, apparently, so I'll see if I can find out more on that for you.

All in all, I think you are doing a fine job on your CD, Calaboogey, and I look forward to seeing it develop and you get approved.
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
QuŠel
PathFinder
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Posts: 103


Elf, Quaelhoirhim


« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2011, 04:08:35 AM »

Alright, thank you very much.

Haha I will change the 'Earth's Core' thing.

And I will also make my title shorter.

Your comments are greatly appreciated,

    -Calaboogey
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Nothing peirces the soul more than eyes do.
QuŠel
KalŪna DalŠ'isyrŠs
DalŠ'isyrŠs
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Gender: Female
Posts: 12803


High Elf, Każrrhem


« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2011, 04:38:18 AM »

Hello, darling! Something to note, we have a series of posticons which we use in the construction and approval of CDs. They can be found at the top of your screen when you look at your CD.

This can be altered by modifying your CD and giving either the 'work in progress' or 'ready for comments' posticon. This would be immensely helpful!

heart
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
QuŠel
PathFinder
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Posts: 103


Elf, Quaelhoirhim


« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2011, 04:40:42 AM »

Ahhhh I see, I will change it to work in progress then.

Thank you very much.

-Calaboogey
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Nothing peirces the soul more than eyes do.
QuŠel
Seh'nara Celebrindal
Swift Ranger
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2075


Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2011, 06:28:34 AM »

Hey Calaboogey!

I'm not sure if you know this, but you can change your display name into something other than your username, so you're free to pick any name you like. It seems to me like you're just sticking to your username. ;) And that's fine, but if you ever want to change it to sound more fantasy like, here's how.

Go to profiles at the top bar. At the left sidebar, under Modify Profile, go to Account Related Settings. The option is there for you. :D

Oh, and for your CD, it's sort of an unwritten rule to write the descriptions in third person. In your history you have a little more leeway, but for the personality and appearance sections, we tend to encourage third person points of view.

Good luck!
Seh'nara
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QuŠel
PathFinder
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Posts: 103


Elf, Quaelhoirhim


« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2011, 08:15:26 AM »

Alright, thanks.

And ya I kinda like Calaboogey, but I'll check into that, thanks for letting me know how to change it if I want to.

I will change everything else into 3rd person, but I like the history part to be 1st person because it make me feel like I'm the actual character, and it's a little more fun to write it that way.

But again, I appreciate the comments and advice.  :)

-Calaboogey
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QuŠel
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« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2011, 10:07:06 AM »

I want to hear more! I got to the end of your history--and I'm so eager to find out what happens, and about the curse! Please continue. I would love to hear the rest of your story. I can tell that you've done your research, particularly on your tribe. I like that your character has many elven characteristics--a penchant for archery, that bit of elvish arrogance, and of course the elvish wisdom.

Calaboogey is kind of an interesting name. You might consider making an elvish name for your character. We have a Styrash (Elvish) dictionary on the site. You might browse through it and see if any of the words there strike your fancy. If you have any issues, let us know!

You may want to tone down some of the wording just a little so your character doesn't come across as too powerful.: "This honesty virtue of mine has started many bar fights, but being experienced in fighting, I always win." How about "usually" instead of "always"--of even "almost always"?

I look forward to hearing the rest of your history--particularly about Keeshaunka!
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« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2011, 12:49:32 AM »

Haha alright thanks, I'll change the always to usually!

And thanks I will try to write the rest of my CD soon.
Thanks for your comments and recommendations,

-calaboogey
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« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2011, 04:35:29 PM »

Greetings Calaboogey, and welcome to the Dream. Maybe the comments from an old site member can aid you towards approval.

Name
Calaboogey

Gender
Female

Age
I am of 395 years of age, yet I have the wisdom and knowledge of a 583 year old elf. (I think you got this all mixed up. Elves have a penchant of learning things in a slow manner, probably due to their desire to almost perfect any endeavors they pursue. I assume you meant you are a 583 year old elf with the knowledge of a 395 year old human, and even then that would be nigh impossible since humans don't tend to live that long. Have you used the elven aging calculator for this?)

Race
Elf

Tribe
Quaelhoirhim

Occupation
I am an adventurer, or mercenary if you will. I can man shops when the owner is out of town, be a body guard if needed, go hunt down some orcs, whatever must be done I can, and will do it. Of course a little bribing doesn't hurt, something to increase my wealth maybe. Of course I have done some bigger jobs; winning back powerful weapons from evil doers, going into dungeons turning every corner not knowing what is going to chop your head off with a sword next, things such as that.

Title
PathFinder

Appearance
   Height
I am 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 2 Palmspans, 3 Nailsbreadths, 4 Grains tall.

   Weight
I am 1 Pygge, 8 Hebs, 4 Ods, 1 Mut.

   Hair
I have a little passed shoulder length brown semi-straight hair.

   Eye Colour
I have the strangest eyes you will ever see out of any female elf. They are completely covered in blackness, no white, no pupil (yet I can see better than most of my race and tribe). (Yes, this is a very strange eye color for you tribe. Their eyes range from different shades of blue, purple, and green. I expect this to be thoroughly explained in your history since this is very unusual.)

   Skin Colour
I have very golden skin.

   Physical Appearance
My hair is a mix between dark brown and black. My eyes are like looking into a deep, dark abyss, with no ending. I got these eyes from my first encounter with Keeshaunka, he has cursed me to see deep dark things no living being should ever see. These dark visions come and go whenever they please, you never get used to them. This was not completely a curse, for I am blessed with the best eye sight out of everyone I have met. I have many scars, one that runs the length of my forearm, one on my stomach, one that runs the length of my left cheek right under my eye, and one on my left foot. The scar which runs the full length of my forearm, was caused by a fall from one of the tallest tress(trees) in the forest I grew up in. The one on my stomach is from being stabbed by one of the most sharpest blades I have ever felt, the blade belonged to my worst enemy of all, Keeshaunka. The scar which runs the length of my left cheek right below my eye was from a prison guard I attempted to escape from (which I ended up doing later on). My left foot is scarred from a wild boar tusk falling from a great distance above me, a man dropped it from where he was sitting in a tree. I have a curved female body, but I also have very large bulging muscles throughout my entire body.

Clothing
I am constantly on the move, never in one place for a long period of time. Therefore all of my clothing is meant for harsh and extreme weather conditions. I wear a thin suit of leather armor underneath my cloaks. I have two different kinds of cloaks; two are made from cotton and one from silk(You have two different cloaks but you described three. Please be consistent with your descriptions.). The cloak made of silk is a shade of dark blue, while one from cotton is vibrant green, and the other from cotton is a dark shade of purple. With my cloaks I wear a broach that I obtained on my 30th birthday. On my right hand I have three rings; one made of gold, one of silver, and the other bronze. My left hand contains two rings both made of silver. I also wear a necklace that shows my tribal coat of arms, a gleaming sword engraved with the eye of AvŠ. To protect my feet from extreme weather, I wear high soft boots that come up to my knees. To carry my more useless miscellaneous items I carry a leather back pack on my shoulders everywhere I travel.

Personality
I am always honest, I always have been and always will be. Never in all of my 395 years of life have I once lied about anything to anybody. This honesty virtue of mine has started many bar fights, but being experienced in fighting, I almost always win. I am very confident in myself which has its pros and cons. I may get a little cocky sometimes, but my confidence has made me not only strong physically but strong mentally. My father gave me some very wise words one day when we were hunting in the forest he said, "We all have light and dark inside of us, it is what part we choose to act on that matters." Although I am not always choosing the "light" side, I have been told by many that I am a kind person. I have anger issues, I try, but usually fail to not have a fight be about revenge, because if I want revenge on someone I will be angry at them and anger gets in the way of tactical fighting. I trust no one but myself, for in the past many that have been close to me, have betrayed me. I am very outgoing,  especially after a few mugs of ale.

Strengths
Fatigue is something I am not very familiar with. It takes a lot of fighting for me to even break a sweat.
I am very good with bow and arrow, growing up in the woods and hunting as a child really helped me develop this skill. But since Keeshaunka cursed my eyes I can see a greater distance then an eagle.
Not only can I wield a bow, but I am also very skilled with a sword.
My high charisma allows me better pay for jobs I am asked to do.
Since I was a child I absolutely loved running, I could run for hours and hours on end. I practically learned how to run before I learned how to walk if that is possible.
I am always on the move, so I have become quite resourceful as well.
(You have grasped what we need to see on you strengths. But can you elaborate? We need to see some sample scenarios on how each particular strength had helped you.)  

Weaknesses
Water is not my strong suite, it is one of my greatest weaknesses, because I cannot swim.
Anger during battle ruins my attempted tactical approach to the battlefield.
I can sometimes become too overconfident.
My greatest set back of all is the curse that befell me during my first encounter with Keesahaunka. The dark images he sends to my mind are so horrific that sometimes I enter a state of temporary madness.
(Same comment here. We need to see some sample scenarios.)

History

The Beginning of the End
My father out hunting, my mother laying in bed informed that she had a living being inside of her. . . me. In the forest of Zeiphyrian I was born, as my life began, my mother's ended. My beloved mother never got to hear my cry, or see me grow, for once I came into the world, she had left it. Father held me close, so close to where I could feel the beat of his heart. He wept for my mother from sunrise until sunset, and I wept as well, confused at what had happend. For although the end for one, it was the beginning for another.

The Great Elk
I awoke to the sound of my father's voice. Opening my eyes I sat bolt upright, thinking I had overslept. Today was one of the greatest days of my life, my father was going to take me hunting. The previous day I had obtained one of my most prized possesions until this very day, a hand crafted longbow created my the best craftsmen in our tribe. I strung my bow, put my hunting knife in its sheath, and swung my quiver full of arrows around my back and onto my shoulders. My father and I walked for a very long time until suddenly he made an abrupt stop. I nearly walked into him, for I had not been paying attention. As I looked up at him questioningly, wondering why we had suddenly stopped, he said, "This is the exact spot where I hunted my first time, and to my amazement got a wild boar." I was so excited at these words that immediately I searched and found the tallest tree I could find, and started to climb it. Father followed suite, he was perched up in the tree directly across from my own. Excitement was soon lost as we had sat very still and silently for hours, and to no avail. I had begun to take my first step down the tree, when immediately I froze. The most beautiful and majestic elk I had ever laid eyes on stood grazing directly below me. But my footing was amiss, and then I began to fall to the hard forest floor. My attempt to grab on to one of the branches failed, and I continued to fall.

Rude Awakening
Searing pain, I felt is though my whole arm would just burst open any second. I almost didn't dare open my eyes for fear of what I would see. But my curiousity won the best of me, and when I opened my eyes here is what I saw; two medicinal herb healers around me, one long, deep, wide cut in my left arm, and my father. The tallest of the healers opened a vial containing a brownish green liquid, which he then poured into my gash, the pain was so great I again fell unconsious.

30th Birthday
One year passed, now containing a scar from my fall down the tree. Tommorow(Tomorrow) I will be turning thirty, a very special day for me and my father. Many people from the tribe were set to come to my birthday party, it was to be held in a large clearing in the forest. I could hardly sleep that night, knowing I had a long but fun and exciting day ahead. As I entered the clearing I recieved a huge "Happy Birthday!" from everyone who came to my party. It was the best thing ever; everyone with huge smiles on their faces (especially me), many decorations all over the trees, multiple long wooden tables set out for guests to sit and eat, on the tables many different foods were set out from all over the forest. There was; meat of every kind, fruits freshly picked, drinks of clear water from the springs and red wine from the finest vineyard, and the greenest of green vegetables freshly picked from many gardens. On this day I recieved(received) a broach which every elf in the Quaelhoirhim tribe does on their 30th birthday(Your tribe does not have a tradition of giving broaches when someone turns 30. Might I suggest that you reduce this to just being a gift given by your father to you? Quael jewelers produce some of the finest jewelry among elvenkind, you know. ;) ). Every broach of course being different from the previous and the next, by broach consists of saphire(sapphire), because before the curse, my eyes were the color of saphire(sapphire). I thanked all of my guests for coming on this wonderous day, and as the last of the guests filed out, so did my father and I. As we were just about to leave the forest to enter the boundaries of our home a drunk elf who had just left the party was spotted sitting in a tree. He was holding an object that looked rather a lot like a wild boar tusk, and the next thing I knew it was protruding from my foot. My father aided me in taking it out, and threw the tusk onto the ground, for he was very angry this happened on my birthday. He shouted to the drunk elf sitting in the tree, but got no response, so I limped home with yet another injury.

Brother I Never Had
Growing up with only father, it was natural that I became very close to him. I never thought of how life would be without him, until I was forced to. Very plainly and simply, on a normal day in the forest, he died. All I could do was to hold him close, never ending streams of tears falling down my face. I didn't move from that position for many hours, just holding him there, sobbing. There was a knock on the door, I didn't get up, more knocking, still I craddled(cradled) by father, then I heard the door burst open. It was Cull, my best friend since my early years. He came to my side at once, now tears falling from both Cull and I. After awhile he tried to pull me up on to my feet, saying, "You're ok, it's ok, your father is happy, he loves you." But I resisted, I couldn't let go, yet I was so weak, that I let Cull pull me away. Cull was the only one I wanted by my side that day, the only one who could truly understand the loss I felt.

Farewell
I had many friends in the Zeiphyrian forest, some that I would never forget. But once my father had passed, I felt I couldn't stay any longer. So I left, but with goodbyes, for I would never see these lovely people again. Walking along the forest floor, not knowing where exactly I was going, my only companion, Cull.(Elves do not leave the safety of their forest without a reason of their own. Why would Cull go with you?)

Rock and Hard Place
Cull and I had journeyed many places together after leaving the forest. We got many jobs here and there, stayed at inns, had some bar fights with drunks, drank a lot, and got fairly wealthy. With these newly aquired sans I bought 3 rings, one gold, one silver, and the other bronze. Cull and I had been through so much together, so many battles we fought together, it was clear we would both do anything for each(space)other. But one day. . . our friendship was lost, forgotten, never to be seen again. Through our many travels, we always were ones to hear a lot of rumors from the "locals." More and more we started hearing about a man, or beast as some called him, named, Keeshaunka. And, more and more Cull started to drift away from me. I will never forget the day that Cull and I faught(fought) over sans, he blamed me for taking his pay, but I had done nothing of the sort, we were always straight up with each(space)other. I would never steal, let alone from by best friend, I told him he could take some of mine then, he insisted that I admit to my crime. All I kept saying was, "I didn't steal from you, you're my best friend," he wouldn't listen. Then, out of nowhere, Cull pulled out his knife, and hit me broad side with the hilt, my head got hit by the hilt then was thrown into the wall, and a familiar sensation fell over me, unconsciousness.

Disloyalty
I awoke with a start, attempting to take in my surroundings. It was difficult, so many thoughts swimming around in my head. "Why am I here?", "How did I get here?" I couldn't remember how or why I was here, let alone what "here" meant. My eyes came into focus; I was lying on a dirt floor, stone walls surrounded me, chains and shackles bound by(my) wrists and ankles. . . a prison cell. The only items I had was a white shirt, black cotton pants, and my tribal coat of arms. My feet were bare and cold, dry blood made a trail down my face and onto the white shirt. Then I heard footsteps echoeing(echoing) down the hall, coming towards me. But I sat still because I knew the chains that held me to the wall wouldn't allow me to do anything, and there was no use struggling at the moment. The footsteps halted, I turned my head, and there, directly outside the iron bars that imprisoned me. . . Cull. He looked changed, sunken features, blood shot eyes, ruffled hair, and he no longer wore the coat of arms of the Quaelhoirhim tribe. He was wearing black leather and carried a long sword in a black scabbard at his side. "Cull. . .?" "Is there something you would like to say, Cala?" "There are several things I would like to say!" "(snickering)" "You were my friend. . . ! You were my FRIEND!" "(calmly) There's no need to shout." "You were there for me when no one esle was, and you betray(betrayed) me, (crying) I trusted you!" "It seems you have misplaced your trust. I am a tolerant person, but one thing I will not stand for Calaboogey, is disloyalty-" "(shaking head while crying) Disloyalty. . . " "Good bye old friend, I'll be seeing you soon, for now here's some water, but be careful, it might be poisoned (laughing insanely)."

Water
My vision was blurred, my eyes swimming with unstoppable tears. Nothing mattered anymore, everyone I had ever cared for and loved, left me alone, whether by death, or betrayal. Was this a nightmare? One that I would awake from any second. . . no, I was brought back to reality by the sorness(soreness) of my muscles from the stone wall I was forced to lean against. My lips were dry and cracked, so I drank, whether the water was poisoned or not, living or dying meant nothing to me anymore. I drank one large gulp from the water skin, leaving it half empty. I allowed my head to rest on my shoulder, then I sneezed, and as my head lurched forward, my hair got caught. I pulled my hair out of where it was catching, strange, I thought to myself, it was catching not on the rusty metal of the chains, but the place where the chians were connected to the wall. I noticed that the shackels were connected to the stone by a sort of hardened clay. Since I am very resouceful (one of my greatest strenghts(strengths)), I figured it out in a matter of seconds, I found a way to escape! I reached for the water skin, opened it up, and then I poured a few drops of it onto the hardened clay. The chain was very deeply placed in the stone, but after I poured several more drops onto the clay, the chain became very easy to manuver, after what seemed like days, one of my arms were free. I only had enough water to free one more limb, so after a few more tiring hours my other arm was freed.

Escape
Now all I had to do was get my legs free. I found a sharp peice(piece) of metal from one of the chain links that I broke from the wall, and I dug at the dirt floor to get the shackels out from the ground. Once I got them loose enough I pulled with my remaining strength, and now I could move freely about the cell. The room, or cell, if you will, was rather large. It of course contained nothing more than walls, dirt, chains, and the iron bars that were keeping me locked in. Since all of my weapons had been stripped from me during my capture, I took the chains. I heard someone coming down the hall, I had a plan. A prison guard came to my cell, he was a very broad shouldered man with many scars, he wielded a dagger in his right hand, and sitting in a sheeth(sheath) dangling on his right hip, was a sword. He turned to face my cell, the moment that our eyes found each(space)other, I attacked, wrapping the chain around his neck and strangling him. But he did not leave me unscathed, he swung his dagger around wildly, aiming for my face; I could feel the friction of the blade against my cheek, missing my eye by 2 nailsbreadths. I heard the dagger drop to the floor with a thud on the dirt, I figured he was dead, but for safety measures, and from anger, I stabbed him with his own blade, he fell dead to the floor. The keys were conveniently in my reach, and I escaped.

Traitor
I threw the chain to the floor and took the dagger and sword from the now dead prison guard. With absolutley no sense of where I was going I took the left passage. This passage was rather narrow, about 1 Ped, 1 Fore, 1 Palmspan, and 9 Nailsbreadths wide(That is a very thorough guess, don't you think? Just saying.). My muscles were very tight and sore, so I moved at a very slow pace, which didn't matter anyway. At that moment I was completley surrounded by guards all weilding(wielding) short swords. They came at me with full strength, not meaning to kill, but to disarm me. I wouldn't go down without a fight, so I pulled out my sword, instantly killing two of the guards. But they kept coming, replacing the fallen, one of them was massive, and took me down with one swipe. I was dragged to a circular room; a chair was sitting on top of a raised platform in the back of the room, there were two large treasure chests on either side, and a large ciricular(circular) table in the center. The door made a huge echoeing slam behind me, then, darkness fell. As soon as it came, it went, for a huge bright blue flame ignited on the raised platform, and now, sitting in the chair, was a very scrawny and malnourished looking man. He had black metal armor on, he wielded a charred wood staff with a black gem on top, a hood was shrouding his face, and he spoke, "I am Keeshaunka." His voice was barely above a whisper, but I heard these words as if he was standing right next to me. All of the sudden my body lurched forward, and a huge black mass came hurling towards me, I flew through the air and hit a wall with massive force. My body now levitating off the ground; I saw my old friends from the forest being brutally murdered, my father in his hour of death, and me being tortured in horrible ways, and then my body fell to the floor. Cull was standing above me, laughing, then he spit in my face. Again I heard Keeshaunka as though he was right next to me, "Get up!" As soon as I got my feet on the ground I saw Keeshaunka running towards me, stabbing me with full force, running me through with his blade. I fell to my knees, breathing became very difficult, I searched for help, "Cull", but he never came. . . Keeshaunka had no mercy, he bent down, he looked me in the eyes, and I looked straight back at his, and he twisted the blade that was in me, he said, "You are weak", and then took it out. (I am very confused on what type of wizard this Keeshaunka is. For example, causing images to come into your mind is very much like wind magic(spiritual representation of mirage). It could be your greatest fear, augmented by the wizard using fire magic (spiritual representation of incandescence) or through causing chaos in your mind by water magic (spiritual representation of change). Another example is the massive force that tossed you aside. Is this caused by a strong gust of wind slamming against you (wind magic's physical representation of movement) or by a chunk of earth or rock (earth magic's physical representation of inertia)? His levitation, however suggests that he is a very powerful wind mage (physical representation of movement). I suggest clarifying these things so that we may see if this part of your history is consistent with how our world works.)

Clearer
I heard the door of the circular room burst open, and then swirling images distorted the room, people shouting, then everything went black. A bright white light filled my eyes, they hurt so bad I thought they would pop right out of their sockets. I tried so hard to open them, to see if I had gone blind. When I finally pryed them open, my head pounding and everything sounded so loud. Then, I could see everything more clearly then I could ever see before. The world around me was so beautiful, but horrible images entered the crevices of my mind; Cull was being stabbed repeatedly by Keeshaunka, and he was left to die. I began running around the room wildly, throwing anything I could get my hands on, pulling at my hair, and ripping the blankets off the bed. A knock on the door, "Is everything alright in there?" I threw a glass full of water at the wall and it shattered, "Hello, are you ok in there?" I started hitting the wall with my fists, then the door opened, and two men came barreling into my room, trying to restrain me. My body fell limp in their grasps, and they laid me down on the bed. My eyes hurt, but I looked at them and asked what happened, all they could do was shake their heads questioningly. After my fit I went down to the bar to get a few drinks, I was at a tavern, I didn't know how I had gotten there, nor did I care.(You need to explain how your eyes got into that state. How did it happen? As someone who fairly knows a little bit of Santharian Magic I can't say I am familiar with any procedures or incantations that will make them appear that way. And the only way I know of enhancing your eyesight through the use of spells is by wind magic(spiritual representation of clarity). Even then, it won't change its appearance.)

Inside the Package
I sat very silent while everyone else in the tavern was dancing, throwing darts or gambling, and of course talking with  friends. But I didn't have any friends anymore, none that I could pour my heart out to, and that could console me even in my darkest hours. The tavern owner approached me, he was a big burly man with a mustache, his name was William. He asked, "You're Calaboogey right?" I responded with a nod. "Well some odd lookin' fella dropped this off for you this mornin." It was a package made of black leather, I brought it up to my room. I opened the package cautiously, because I didn't know who it was from. The contents were precious; my beloved hand crafted longbow that I had gotten as a present from my father when I was 29 years old, a sword, a letter, and the tribal coat of arms of the Quaelhorihim tribe.
I unfolded the letter, and here is what it said;
"To my dearest friend,
I will never forget you or the times that we shared. Our lives were far from easy, but I wouldn't change a thing.
We will see each other again, that is certain. I want you to only remember me for the good things I have done and not the bad,
I am sorry,
Your brother---------"
The rest didn't need to be written down, I knew now who the package was from, and I cried. I saw the sunlight enter the room from the window, I hadn't slept at all. I just kept reading the letter over and over, as if I could bring Cull back, but I knew Keeshaunka well enough to know that he wouldn't spare Cull's life. I put my leather armor on, put my sword into its sheeth(sheath) and onto my hip, wrapped myself in one of my traveling cloaks, and the rest of my items into my backpack. I went down the stairs and out the door without a single word to anyone, and I was off, once again, but this time, I went alone.

Posessions(Possessions)
 Clothing
My three traveling cloaks, by leather backpack, and my boots. I have my rings and my tribal coat of arms along with my broach. I carry the letter from Cull and his tribal coat of arms around my neck in a leather pouch.
 Weapons
I have a long sword along with a black leather sheeth(sheath). I carry two knives and my longbow along with a quiver full of 15 arrows.  
 Miscellaneous
I have 57 sans carried in a belt pouch around my waist. I also carry a water skin, a rope, and a tinder box.

And there you go. I highly suggest you run this over the spell checker conveniently integrated in this site, and study the entry of your tribe, as well as the kind of magic you will decide to choose should you flesh out the Keeshaunka part of your history. If you need any help, feel free to PM one of our CD moderators. They are the ones who are knowledgeable about the world of Caelereth.

Have a nice day.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2011, 07:07:41 PM by Thorgas Ironforge » Logged

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« Reply #10 on: December 25, 2011, 12:29:36 AM »

I trully appreciate the feed back and suggestions. I will change all of the spelling mistakes and other such mistakes that I have made.
I am not familiar with the magic world on Santharia either, but I will most likely be making Keeshaunka a wind mage, but it would be weird for me to just state in my story that he's a wind mage, because Calaboogey probably wouldn't know that.
Again thank you for the very helpful feedback,
-Calaboogey
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« Reply #11 on: December 25, 2011, 12:57:14 AM »

Calaboogey as the character won't know it, but you as the author of this CD do. :)
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« Reply #12 on: December 25, 2011, 01:10:20 AM »

Haha  grin ok.
I think through your suggestions I will have Keeshaunka be a wind mage? Does that sound ok?
I will most likely put that in parentheses after I first introduce Keeshaunka.
If that doesn't sound ok I might also have Keeshaunka say, "I am Keeshaunka, the wind mage of _____."
Tell me what you think if you have time, that would be greatly appreciated,
-Calaboogey
PS. I hope I corrected all spelling and grammar mistakes.  :)
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« Reply #13 on: December 25, 2011, 02:12:09 AM »

The mage doesn't need to say it, if it will ruin the flow of your story. But you could just mention it as if you're narrating the story. :)
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« Reply #14 on: December 25, 2011, 04:48:43 AM »

Alright sure thing, I got that suggestion from more than one person, so I think I will do that.
Thank you once again I appreciate the comments and suggestions.
Marry Christmas Eve
-Calaboogey
PS. I put what kind of mage Keeshaunka is in my weaknesses when I describe the actual curse. Hope that is what you are looking for.
« Last Edit: December 25, 2011, 04:52:06 AM by calaboogey » Logged

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