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Author Topic: Navar The Rogue Assassin, Cor'hm, Assassin  (Read 12015 times)
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Twn Arerwn
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« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2006, 03:01:27 AM »

Hello Navar! Since your edits seem fairly focused in specific areas, I will keep my comments somewhat centered in these areas.
Strengths
Strong: This is a somewhat typical aspect of the Coor'hem. Is he above the norm for his tribe? If so, then some examples would help to judge how strong he is.
Hunting: Concealment, bow crafting, speed, stealth, marksmanship and tracking, as each of these things have their own levels of expertise. Some examples of how well he is with these multitude of skills would really help in determining balance.
Assassin Skills: Escape artist, poisons, anatomy and dagger fighting. Please see comments above in Hunting for what i would like to see done here.
Armoring: Smithery would be the proper heading for this skill. An armory is a storage place for weapons and the term Armoring implies the forging of armor.
Weaknesses
The weaknesses you have written are very well done. Though with the alterations you already have done, your character is somewhat unbalanced and would require more weaknesses to offset your strengths. Also with the elaboration of the multitude of skills you have above this gap in balance is going to be somewhat greater.

As a side note: The young age of your character makes this multitude of skills he is proficient with quite hard to grasp.

If you have any questions, please feel free to place them here or contact me Navar. Overall this is a very well written character and was a nice read.
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
« Last Edit: December 11, 2006, 03:03:43 AM by Twen Araerwen » Logged

The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon,
ancient and full of death.
Navar The Rogue Assassin
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« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2006, 01:56:07 AM »

Hey Twen, ok with the strength I was just letting any mods know that I had made a change. Originally I had Navar weak and just wanted to make sure that all knew I had eliminated that weakness completely.

And for the other strengths he is more over capable to proficient. Being trained since childhood  to be an Assassin and a hunter, IMHO, kinda gives him an edge on his combat proficiencies

EDIT: Once again IMHO skills are better learned when put to the test ratrher than practiced So rather than, for example, learning a foreign language in a class room, it is more benifical to learn when completely submerged into the culture of the desired language.

That being said, Navar was forced to fight even as a child, so constantly having to use these skills daily has helped him become more proficient in them then if he were only practicing them with a straw dummy. Ok hope that helped at all and Thanks for taking the time out to reveiw my work. Navar
« Last Edit: December 12, 2006, 02:07:41 AM by Navar The Rogue Assassin » Logged

There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.

      ~Navar~

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Navar The Rogue Assassin
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« Reply #17 on: December 13, 2006, 08:07:43 AM »

Ok Twen the creature has been past and I want to add it as a familiar, and could you show me what is wrong woth my changes and whatthey are lacking...I just don't seem to see it. Thanks
« Last Edit: December 13, 2006, 10:24:04 PM by Navar The Rogue Assassin » Logged

There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.

      ~Navar~

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Twn Arerwn
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« Reply #18 on: December 13, 2006, 08:31:43 PM »

Strengths:

Strong: Being of the Cor'hm, Navar has found strength a very natural part of his every day life, and when he is caught in a fight his strength has pulled him through many a times.

Hunting: From childhood, being force to fend for his self, Navar quickly learned the skill of bow crafting,Bow crafting is not a skill that is part of hunting. More than one hunter could not craft the item they use to hunt with. This is like stating a swordsmen could forge a new blade simply because he can use one. tracking, and concealment. Navar needing to fend for himself, even during childhood, learned to follow and quickly blend into his surrondings to avoid detection. He quickly became quite the accomplished marksman, utilizing stealth and speed to take down prey much larger than his own size. These skills, as he would soon find out, were also suitble for an assassin There are a multitude of strengths lumped into this single paragraph. See above comments.

Assassin skills: Due to the constant barrage clan wars Navar was forced to learn about the assassin trade from a young age. He was taught about a variety of dagger techniques. Along with poisons and vital points for quick clean kills, he was also taught a variety of escape artist skills Are the Coor'hem going to capture an assassin? This just sounds like trying to teach a skill to a corpse, as the Coor'hem don't seem like the kind concerned with capture. incase he was captured by a rival clan. Using his hunting skills Navar vigerously trained and was constantly polishing his skills. This entire last sentence is about hunting skills, isn't this part of the strength you have listed above?

Charisma: The ability to lure your target in to a false sense of security and then strike them down without mercy is another skill valued by the Cor'hm.

Smithery: As a youth, he began to help his uncle in his armory shop, there he picked up a few tricks of the trade for crafting fine weapons.
At such a young age your character knows more skills than someone twice his present age, if not older.
Weaknesses:

Unlikable: Beiing an assassin, he leaves a very distastful taste in most people's mounths. This coupled with his ever charming How does charming relate to unlikable? arrogant personality, leaves Navar hated and for the most part friendless. This inturn cause him to get himself in more trouble than necessary.

Arrogant: He is skilled and he knows it. Sometimes this knowledge will cause him to bite off more than he can chew. Even if when he realizes hes no match and his ego keeps him in the fight until he agrees to a Tactical Retreat.

Greed: He seeks wealth and doesnt care what kind of job it is as long as the pay is good. He will also tend to take more than is necessary rather than just leaving with what has.

Rash: Unlike many Cor'hm, Navar typically will not think a situation through. Hell act on impulse rather than analyzing the problem. This leaves him unprepared for some scenarios and creates more problems that could have been avoided if he just would have taken anther five minutes to think.

Children: If an "assignment" has a child present Navar, reminded of his past, will not strike down the man or women. He will wait until the child is out of site to strike.
His strengths already outweigh his weaknesses and the elaboration of the vast amount of skills you have lumped together in his strengths, is only going to broaden these gaps.
« Last Edit: December 13, 2006, 08:33:51 PM by Twen Araerwen » Logged

The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon,
ancient and full of death.
Navar The Rogue Assassin
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« Reply #19 on: December 13, 2006, 10:24:43 PM »

Ok thanks Twen, sorry you had to type it out before I got it, but thanks for doing it.
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There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.

      ~Navar~

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« Reply #20 on: December 14, 2006, 02:02:19 AM »

Hey Twen, how is that....if its fine good and f not then Ill try and rework it....hmmm perhaps more weaknesses....but what? Oh and where would i go to see if an animal is resticted?
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      ~Navar~

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« Reply #21 on: December 18, 2006, 04:47:50 AM »

Strengths:

Hunting: From childhood, being force to fend for his self <--himself, Navar quickly learned the skill of  tracking and concealment. As a child he had to subsatin <--sustain himself so hunting was a must. And how can one hunt if they are seen, so Navar learned to blend in to his surrondings as he waited for his unsespecting <--unsuspecting prey. He quickly became quite the accomplished marksman, utilizing stealth and speed to take down prey much larger than his own size. Once again if your prey can hear you you can not catch it, so his stealth coupled with speed allowed Navar to easily take down what ever he was hunting.

Assassin skills: Since child hood <--childhood Navar was touht <--taught about a variety of Cor'hm posions <--poisons, antiodotes <-antidotes preparations and anything else (anything else? Sounds like a pretty large range of skills. Maybe some clarification is needed here, as this defines how your character will be played in certain situations.) that he would find useful in the field. along <--Along with posions, Navar ws <--was also taught about vital striking spot. For an enemy who lives is still a threat, or so he was taught, so the ability to drop an opponent instantly is a vaulable skill to have.


Smithery: As a youth, he began to help his uncle in his armory shop. He is not a master but he still picked up a few tricks of the trade for crafting fine weapons.

Weaknesses:

Unlikable: Beiing an assassin, he leaves a very distastful taste in most people's mounths <--mouths. It is unlikely he broadcasts to everyone what his trade is. This would be something I am sure he only reveals to those looking for such services. Therefore it is probably not a mitigating factor in how others view him. This coupled with his ever charming (that was more or less sarcasm) arrogant personality, leaves Navar hated and for the most part friendless. This in(space)turn causes him to get himself "himself" is not needed in this sentence, it causes the sentence to read strangely. in more trouble than necessary.

Arrogant: He is skilled and he knows it. Sometimes this knowledge will cause him to bite off more than he can chew. Even if "if" is not needed. when he realizes hes no match and his ego keeps him in the fight until he agrees to a Tactical Retreat.

Greed: He seeks wealth and doesnt care what kind of job it is as long as the pay is good. He will also tend to take more than is necessary rather than just leaving with what has. The last sentence does not make sense, it also does not reveal how his desire for wealth has hampered him.
Rash: Unlike many Cor'hm, Navar typically will not think a situation through. Hell act on impulse rather than analyzing the problem. This leaves him unprepared for some scenarios and creates more problems that could have been avoided if he just would have taken anther five minutes to think.

Children: If an "assignment" has a child present Navar, reminded of his past, will not strike down the man or women. He will wait until the child is out of site <--sight to strike.

Nightmares: Navar is constantly plauged by that beast of a man Hantyn, even though he fell to Navar's blade, he still stalks Navar in his dreams. Each time Navar closes his eyes he relives his fathers death, and ewach<--? time he is unalbe <-- unable to stop that elf, the elf who turned his world upside down. How does this adversely affect him? Does he sometimes feel fatigued due to his lack of good rest? Or are there other repercussions he suffers from this?

There are still more spelling errors that I missed. There is a spellcheck function to help you fix these issues. Also your characters age is still very young to have the vast array of skills you mention. Please post your questions concerning your idea for a pet here.
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
« Last Edit: December 18, 2006, 04:52:54 AM by Twen Araerwen » Logged

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« Reply #22 on: December 20, 2006, 01:29:16 PM »

ok I believe that is everything
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Rvahr the Hunter
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« Reply #23 on: December 22, 2006, 01:47:25 PM »

R'vahr comments in red

Name: Navar

Gender: Male

Age: 100 (appears 24)

Race: Elf

Tribe: Cor'hm

Occupation: Assassin

Title: The Rogue Assassin

Height: 2 peds

Weight: 1.5 pygges

Appearance: Typical to the Cor'hm tribe Navar has a pale almost albino skin which drastically contrasts his onyx hair, that is kept up by a silver clasp with a snake engraved on its surface. His Black no caps needed eyes are ever plotting and constantly aware, harmonizing the dark flames tattooed on the outer corners of his eyes artistic, but doesn't make any sense. His tall slender body lacks the excessive bulge of muscle that is quite common among the Cor'hm. His beauty is of great measure a strange way to write that, perhaps try and make it more english, even for the Cor'hm, save for a lone scar vertically stretched across his left eye.

Clothing: During warmer weather, he is adorned in black leather with a silver phoenix on the breastplate breast plate suggests armor. In the colder seasons, he will utilize pure white attire, with the exception of a black snake where the phoenix once resided. When waiting on a contract or when traveling, his armor is covered by a black hooded cloak, adorned with gold and purple.

Strengths:

Hunting: From childhood, being force to fend for his self, Navar quickly learned the skill of  tracking and concealment. Instead perhaps write "He learned to fend for himself in the wild, through the trails of his childhood. As a child he had to subsatin himself so hunting was a must. And how can one hunt if they are seen the rhetoric just doesn't fit, so Navar learned to blend in to his surrondings as he waited for his unsespecting prey. He quickly became quite the accomplished marksman, utilizing stealth and speed to take down prey much larger than his own size. Once again if your prey can hear you you can not catch it, so his stealth coupled with speed allowed Navar to easily take down what ever he was hunting. The "Once again" is not needed.

These two seem to come to the same point, so I'm thinking you could break it into component parts. e.g. stealthy , accurate, knowlege of poisons, knowlege of weaknesses of the body, and martial combat.

Assassin skills: Since childhood hood Navar was touhtsp about a variety of Cor'hm posionssp, antiodotes preparations and he was also taught about plant recognition so that he was sure to find the correct plant This sentence is really bad. He learned about poisons and antidotes, and how to recognize which plants would give him what effects.". Navar was also taught about vital striking spot points, not spot. For an enemy who lives is still a threat, or so he was taught, so the ability to drop an opponent instantly is a vaulable skill to have. "He learned to immobilize and to incapacitate foes quickly, hopefully with a single strike to one weak point."


Smithery: As a youth, he began to help his uncle in his armory shop. He is not a master but he still picked up a few tricks of the trade for crafting fine weapons.

these are alot of strengths, all told. What about his ingenuity and wit, and ability to keep cool in battle.

Weaknesses:

Arrogant: He is skilled and he knows it. Sometimes this knowledge will cause him to bite off more than he can chew. Even if when he realizes hes no match and his ego keeps him in the fight until he agrees to a Tactical Retreat. If he is willing to retreat, and is so stealthy, how is this a weakness. If he bites of more than he can chew, he just slides back into the darkness

Greed: He seeks wealth and doesnt care what kind of job it is as long as the pay is good. He will also tend to take more than is necessary rather than just leaving with what has. annother very soft weakness

Rash: Unlike many Cor'hm, Navar typically will not think a situation through. Hell act on impulse rather than analyzing the problem. This leaves him unprepared for some scenarios and creates more problems that could have been avoided if he just would have taken anther five minutes to think. Despite the fact that this very weakness is going to be the death of you in a few moments, its still rather soft, though you RP this and the arrogance well

Children: If an "assignment" has a child present Navar, reminded of his past, will not strike down the man or women. He will wait until the child is out of site to strike.

Bad shoulder: Due to repetitive shots to his left shoulder, from his first initial fights in the Thirsty Herald, Navar finds that sometimes it will lock up and a sharp pain will soon follow.

Reading this, one would think that you are close to balanced. This has been shown to not be true, in many cases. You need to further elaborate on your wit and poison use.

Personality: Navar is a clever; quick-witted, and smart-mouthed elf who loves nothing more than the thrill of the kill. His bloodlust is only fueled by man's desire to destroy each other?. His allies are his daggersYou forgot to mention those in his strengths and weaknesses; his skill his friend and his loyalties lie with the man paying him. He doesnt care what the job is, be it noble or sinister, all he cares about is the pay. Despite his love for himself, he is very trust-worthy and would never dishonor his reputation by harming his employer. He doesnt stop until the job is completed and he will complete the job no matter what befalls him That is of course assuming that he is able. Loyal to the end, this elf makes an invaluable ally unless he is paid to betray by a higher bidder. From my reading he loves the money, not the man holding it.. While quick to kill, he is slow on mapping out the perfect way to kill this goes against the "rash" weakness you eariler put forth. He takes a lot pride in his work and wants others to do the same.

History: The two Ruhns of the Black Flame clan, Sefelyn of the men and Galrienyh of the women, had just wed. It was a rare occurrence that forces the two factions to fight to see who will rule the clan. However the clans Civil war had to be postponed on account of Galrienyh pregnancy. Two weeks after the birth of her child, Navar, the clan war broke out once more.

Normally in inner clan wars one side will yield and death is uncommon, however tragedy struck when lone arrow pierced the jugular of Galrienyh. With a loud cry she fell to the ground landing on her own blade. Swiftly coming to her aid Sefelyn grabbed his wife and held her close. Wiping the blood from her face she whispered Take care of our boy finishing this her eyes dilate as she lets out a morbid sigh tence change is no good. Sefelyn stood to his feet, with his wife in his arms, and cried out with wrath Who fired the arrow who killed my wife Gently he removed the arrow and noticed that the style of arrow wasnt that of the Black Flame but that of the Blood Blade, a neighboring clan of highly trained Assassins who during the confusion of war took the opportunity to kill Galrienyh, clutching his fist watching the blood of his wife dribble down his arm he vowed to one day avenge his wife's death. Remembering his final vow to his wife Sefelyn loved the child as much as a father could.

As soon as Navar could walk his father took him hunting, showing him the best trails for big game hunting, he showed him how to approach his prey quietly and quickly. He learned advanced hiding skills and accuracy. He enjoyed the time spent with his father he looked forward to their daily hunts. Soon Navar became a decent bowman, one of the best child hunters in the clan and when complemented he would point to his father and say its not my skill but my fathers training

When Navar was around the age thirteen his father had gone out on a stroll and in a breathless panic ordered his brother, Navars uncle to take Navar up stairs because he was out on a stroll?. Navar squirmed as Uncle Valro dragged him up stairs. The last word he could make out of his fathers lips were It is time to avenge her, Galrienyh my love. Navar heard weapons being unsheathed and a loud bang. Finally he managed to wriggle out of his uncles arms and began to race towards the stairs. Stumbling over his own feet he falls fell, remember TENCE down the stair landing in a warm crimson pool. His mind then His mind went blank as he tried to gain traction blanks trying to gain traction in blood; he once again stumbles and falls on the lifeless corpse of his father, as he look up with tears in his eyes he begins to weep bitterly as he buries his face in his father's cloak.

As dawn breaks the boy never leaving his fathers side managed to drag his father to the clan grave yard and began to dig a hole bare handed several hours later Uncle Valro come up beside him and say So this is where youve be I though these may help  as he hands the shovel to the heartbroken child. After finishing he walks to the river to wash off he looks at his reflection night has fallen and the moon stares him in the face as he begins to wash the blood of his father which had been caked on since the previous night his sorrow is washed away and is replaced with anger and hatred as his fist clench he feels a touch on the shoulder Patience my boy the time will soon come when your furry can be released but be patient, Uncle Valro whispered now come with me to my shop and learn the skills of crafting weapons.

You are getting worse and worse, Navar. Keep to the same tence and work on wording. This paragraph needs your help!

A few days later the Blood Blades, having defeated the Ruhn of the Black Flame, became their new leaders. So they trained them in the ways of the Assassin saying that if any part of a clan it is? weak then the clan will fall apart. As it was said the new Ruhn Hantyn stared directly at Navar as if he was referring to his dad. Gripping his fist he lunged towards the Hantyn and with an almost physic? ability Uncle Valor grabbed the boy and stopped his advance say patience. So by day he crafted weapons and by night he honed his Assassin no need for caps. Instead maybe, his skills in the dark art of death skills.

So as time went by and as months faded into years Navar trained and honed his skills learning about poison and vital organs. He grew in skill and became one of the head assassins of the clan of the Blood Blade. Fulfilling job contracts while he fought with beside, with assumes against. the very man he sought to destroy. But the words of his uncle rang on in his head Patience my boy the time will soon come when your furry can be released but, be patient
So he waited, waited and trained.

After one hundred years of life Navar believed he was ready to kill, he was ready to avenge his fathers ghastly demise. Having handcrafted two beautiful daggers he began to plan his attack. Just as he began to wander a call to arms sounded and? attack from the Blue Root clan was approaching and soon chaos would break out.

Having lined up on the cities perimeter all prepared to fight all but one who lurked in the shadows waiting on his prey who is your subject in this sentence?. And sure enough the prey walked straight towards Navar blinded by thoughts of war the last thing the Hantyn heard was vengeance is my fathers as soon body fell to the ground the Navar was gone. Fleeing to his Uncles store where to his surprise he found supplies and a brand new bow. Run boy they will hot on your trail soon Navar The Rogue Assassin.

Using the cover of night Navar fled followed the Jerrah River to the port city of Altyr hopping to find a ship departing for Santharia. Having heard about Santharia from traders in his uncles shop as a child it sounded like a place where he could get a fresh start. Here he could be known as The Rouge Assassin.

Needing some money he became an apprentice at local amorer, using the skills he acquired from his uncle, he soon had the required amount to board. Soon he was on board the Gaul, a rather small but reliable trade ship. Going down to the cargo hold, he began to wonder about what hurdles lay before him, but he shrugged it off and said hed worry about it after his nap.

Weapons: Navar is equipped with two hand crafted daggers both with blades about two palmspan and two nailsbite nailsbreadths? long with a handle that is one palmspan, both have silver blades with a garnet colored flame etched up the sides and silver snake headed hilt with vials that leak poison to the blade one dagger has a ivory handle while the other one has an ebony one. these daggers should be in your strengths section, because of thier special abilities Also Navar carried an ivory recurve bow with arrows, some with poison for assassinations and some with no poison for hunting. lastly he carries five vials of poison

Belongings: Two daggers, an ivory bow with arrows, five vials of poison, a tent, and a silver ring embedded with emeralds and a garnet snake emblem on it (belonged to his father).

I think you should have a section describing what kinds of poison you carry and detailing the effects, and also describing what kinds of antidotes you can make. Also you said you had the antidote in the Herald but there was some procedure to mixing it, that should be detailed here, though it probably needs some coaxing @ the dev forum.
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There is a flavor to life, and I intend to taste it deeply.


-R'vahr, The Hunter in Darkness
Navar The Rogue Assassin
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« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2007, 01:03:47 PM »

Just resurrecting  grin
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There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.

      ~Navar~

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« Reply #25 on: August 05, 2007, 07:25:36 AM »

Needing re-approval
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« Reply #26 on: August 05, 2007, 07:37:23 AM »

what exactly needs to be reapproved here? If the only changes are in red, they are honestly so minor....

Anyways, first re-approval given.
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
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« Reply #27 on: August 05, 2007, 07:38:54 AM »

Oh, and by george, please do a spell check!

*covers her burning eyes*
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« Reply #28 on: August 05, 2007, 08:23:21 AM »

Yeah the changges are minor  but I wqnt my Char back in the Archives....and Ill get right on that spell check. Thanks
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      ~Navar~

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dinranwen
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« Reply #29 on: August 05, 2007, 10:29:10 AM »

Keep in mind Im a newbie, so feel free to ignore everything I say.

Firstly, I would like to say that your bio is wonderfully detailed, and very well done.

These are just some minor things that I noticed that bugged me so.

Errors/Suggested Corrections marked in Red.

~ ~ ~

From childhood, being force to fend for his self, Navar quickly learned the skill of  tracking and concealment. As a child he had to subsatin himself so hunting was a must. And how can one hunt if they are seen?, So? so Navar learned to blend in to his surrondings as he waited for his unsespecting prey. This is an overlong sentence and therefore ackward to read.  It would better if you spilt the sentence with a question mark as I have done.  This will make the sentence easier to read and understand. He quickly became quite the accomplished marksman, utilizing stealth and speed to take down prey much larger than his own size. Once again if your prey can hear you you can not catch it?,[/color=red]So?[/color] so his stealth coupled with speed allowed Navar to easily take down what ever he was hunting. Same here.

He will wait until the child is out of site to strike.

I believe you meant sight, not site.

Call me picky but


 Normally in inner clan wars one side will yield and death is uncommon, however tragedy struck when lone arrow pierced the jugular of Galrienyh. With a loud cry she fell to the ground landing on her own blade.

Its a little hard to cry out when you have an arrow in your juglar, and the she is a little unclear although it is implied that it was Galrienyh.  Perhaps make this sentence clearer by changing the She to Galrienyh.

Wiping the blood from her face she whispered Take care of our boy finishing this her eyes dilate as she lets out a morbid sigh.

Once again, its a little hard to talk with a arrow in juglar.  Why?  Because unless the arrow stuck in the throat, the bloodloss would kill someone almost instantly. With the arrow still in the wound, it would increase the chance of someone living beyond an instant kill, but it would not long before someone died unless they received proper medical care.  Secondly, the juglar is quite near the air way which means that there any arrow in the juglar would also obstruct the air way as well.

~ ~ ~

Lastly, May I repeat I'm a newbie and that I know nothing?  Please feel free to ignore me.

Other then comments above, Good Work.

Sincerly,

Ancihelvlyn
Shadow Maiden
« Last Edit: August 05, 2007, 10:36:41 AM by Ancihelvlyn » Logged
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