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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Navar The Rogue Assassin, Coór'hém, Assassin  (Read 12011 times)
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Lorek Bearfist
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« Reply #30 on: August 07, 2007, 11:16:20 AM »

My corrections shall be done in a color that, IMHO, spreads joy and inspiration. Guess which one. just a few things I spotted and would like to offer constructive criticism on. I hope you find that my suggestions are of some help. Don't have a lot of time right now but I will go much more in depth later.

Name: Navar (A last name here would help greater establish an identity)

Gender: Male

Age: 100 (appears 24)

Race: Elf

Tribe: Coór'hém

Occupation: Assassin

Title: The Rogue Assassin

Height: 2 peds

Weight: 1.5 pygges This seems a touch diminutive for a male of 6'6" in modern measure. I would reccomend right around 210 to 230. Well toned but not bulky. Just a thought.

Appearance: Typical to the Coór'hém tribe Navar has a pale, almost albino skin which drastically contrasts his onyx hair. The sable strands are kept up by a silver clasp with a snake engraved on its surface. His black eyes are ever plotting and constantly aware, harmonizing the dark flames tattooed on the outer corners of his eyes. His tall slender (If you go with the weight I gave you he still wouldn't have excessive muscle but he would be toned. again that is just a thought.) body lacks the excessive bulge of muscle that is quite common among the Coór'hém. His beauty is of great measure, even for the Coór'hém, save for a lone scar vertically stretched across his left eye.

Clothing: During warmer weather, he is adorned in black leather with a silver phoenix on the breastplate. In the colder seasons, he will utilize pure white attire, with the exception of a black snake where the phoenix once resided. When waiting on a contract or when traveling, his armor is covered by a black hooded cloak, adorned with gold and purple.

Strengths:

Hunting: From childhood, being forced to fend for himself, Navar quickly learned the skills of tracking and concealment. As a child he had to sustain himself, so hunting was a must. And how can one hunt if they are seen, so Navar learned to blend into (no space) his surroundings as he waited for his unsuspecting prey. He quickly became quite the accomplished marksman, utilizing stealth and speed to take down prey much larger than his own size. Once again, if your prey can hear you you can not catch it, so his stealth coupled with speed allowed Navar to easily take down what ever he was hunting.

Assassin skills: Since childhood, (no space here either also MS Word nagged me until I put a comma there) Navar was taught about a variety of Coór'hém poisons, antidotes preparations and he was also taught about plant recognition so that he was sure to find the correct plant. Navar was also taught about vital striking spots. For an enemy who lives is still a threat, or so he was taught, so the ability to drop an opponent instantly is a valuable skill to have.


Smithery: As a youth, he began to help his uncle in his armory shop. He is not a master but he still picked up a few tricks of the trade for crafting fine weapons.

Weaknesses:

Arrogant: He is skilled and he knows it. Sometimes this knowledge will cause him to bite off more than he can chew. Even when (choose one or the other not both. I went with when because it sounded better to me) he realizes he’s no match and his ego keeps him in the fight until the bitter end.

Greed: He seeks wealth and doesn't care what kind of job it is as long as the pay is good. He will also tend to take more than is necessary rather than just leaving with what has.

Rash: Unlike many Coór'hém, Navar typically will not think a situation through. (Thank you for spelling through properly. I hate thru) He’ll act on impulse rather than analyzing the problem. This leaves him unprepared for some scenarios and creates more problems that could have been avoided if he just would have taken another five minutes to think.

Children: If an "assignment" has a child present Navar, reminded of his past, will not strike down the man or woman. He will wait until the child is out of sight to strike.

Bad shoulder: Due to repetitive shots to his left shoulder, from his (no need for both first and initial since they both mean the same thing.) initial fights in the Thirsty Herald, Navar finds that sometimes it will lock up and a sharp pain will soon follow.

Personality: Navar is a clever, (the semi-colon is improper grammar here, as is that second comma) quick-witted and smart-mouthed elf who loves nothing more than the thrill of the kill. His bloodlust is only fueled by man's desire to destroy each other. His allies are his daggers; skill is his only friend (sounded better to me than what you had) and his loyalties lie with the man paying him. He doesn’t care what the job is, be it noble or sinister, all he cares about is the pay. Despite his love for himself, he is very trustworthy and would never dishonor his reputation by harming his employer. He doesn’t stop until the job is completed and he will complete the job no matter what befalls him. Loyal to the end, this elf makes an invaluable ally. While quick to kill, he is slow on mapping out the perfect way to kill. He takes a lot of pride in his work and wants others to do the same.

History: The two Ruhns of the Black Flame clan, Sefelyn of the men and Galrienyh of the women, had just wed. It was a rare occurrence that forces the two factions to fight to see who will rule the clan. However the clan’s civil war had to be postponed on account of Galrienyh's pregnancy. Two weeks after the birth of her child, Navar, the clan war broke out once more.

Normally in inner clan wars one side will yield and death is uncommon, however, (quick 9th grade english lesson; a comma always follows however.) tragedy struck when a lone arrow pierced the jugular of Galrienyh. With a loud cry she fell to the ground landing on her own blade. Swiftly coming to her aid Sefelyn grabbed his wife and held her close. Wiping the blood from her face she whispered “Take care of our boy”, finishing this her eyes dilate as she lets out a morbid sigh. Sefelyn stood to his feet, with his wife in his arms, and cried out with wrath “Who fired the arrow that killed my wife?!” Gently he removed the arrow and noticed that the style of arrow wasn’t that of the Black Flame but that of the Blood Blade, a neighboring clan of highly trained assassins who during the confusion of war took the opportunity to kill Galrienyh, clutching his fist watching the blood of his wife dribble down his arm he vowed to one day avenge his wife's death. Remembering his final vow to his wife, Sefelyn loved the child as much as a father could.

As soon as Navar could walk his father took him hunting, showing him the best trails for big game hunting, he showed him how to approach his prey quietly and quickly. He learned advanced hiding skills and accuracy. He enjoyed the time spent with his father and he looked forward to their daily hunts. Soon Navar became a decent bowman, one of the best child hunters in the clan and when complemented he would point to his father and say, "It's not my skill but my father's training."

When Navar was around the age of thirteen his father had gone out on a stroll and in a breathless panic ordered his brother, Navar’s uncle to take Navar upstairs. Navar squirmed as Uncle Valro dragged him up stairs. The last words he could make out of his fathers lips were “It is time to avenge her, Galrienyh my love”. Navar heard weapons being unsheathed and a loud bang. Finally he managed to wriggle out of his uncle's arms and began to race toward the stairs. Stumbling over his own feet he fell down the stairs landing in a warm crimson pool. His mind then blanked trying to gain traction in blood he once again stumbled and fell on the lifeless corpse of his father as he looked up with tears in his eyes he began to weep bitterly as he buried his face in his father's cloak.

As dawn broke, the boy never leaving his fathers side managed to drag his father to the clan graveyard and began to dig a hole bare handed. Several hours later Uncle Valro come up beside him and said “So this is where you’ve been, I thought this may help.” as he handed the shovel to the heartbroken child. After finishing he walked to the river to wash off, he looked at his reflection night had fallen and the moon stared him in the face as he began to wash the blood of his father which had been caked on since the previous night his sorrow is washed away and is replaced with anger and hatred as his fist clenched he felt a touch on the shoulder.Patience my boy the time will soon come when your fury can be released but be patient,” Uncle Valro whispered “now come with me to my shop and learn the skills of crafting weapons.

A few days later the Blood Blades, having defeated the Ruhn of the Black Flame, became their new leaders. So they trained them in the ways of the assassin saying that if any part of a clan is weak then the clan will fall apart. As it was said the new Ruhn Hantyn stared directly at Navar as if he was referring to his dad. Gripping his fist he lunged towards the Hantyn and with an almost psychic ability Uncle Valro grabbed the boy and stopped his advance sayingPatience.” So by day he crafted weapons and by night he honed his assassin skills.

So as time went by and as months faded into years Navar trained and honed his skills learning about poison and vital organs. He grew in skill and became one of the head assassins of the clan of the Blood Blade. Fulfilling job contracts while he fought with the very man he sought to destroy. But the words of his uncle rang on in his head “Patience my boy the time will soon come when your fury can be released but be patient.
So he waited, waited and trained.

After one hundred years of life Navar believed he was ready to kill, he was ready to avenge his father’s ghastly demise. Having handcrafted two beautiful daggers he began to plan his attack. Just as he began to wander a call to arms sounded an attack from the Blue Root clan was approaching and soon chaos would break out.

Having lined up on the city's perimeter all prepared to fight all but one who lurked in the shadows waiting on his prey. And sure enough the prey walked straight towards Navar blinded by thoughts of war the last thing the Hantyn heard was "Vengeance is my fathers”, as soon as the body fell to the ground the Navar was gone. Fleeing to his Uncle’s store where to his surprise he found supplies and a brand new bow. “Run, boy, they will soon be hot on your trail, Navar The Rogue Assassin.”

Using the cover of night Navar fled followed the Jerrah River to the port city of Altyr hopping to find a ship departing for Santharia. Having heard about Santharia from traders in his uncle’s shop as a child it sounded like a place where he could get a fresh start. Here he could be known as The Rouge Assassin.

Needing some money he became an apprentice at a local amorer, using the skills he acquired from his uncle, he soon had the required amount to board. Soon he was on board the Gaul, a rather small but reliable trade ship. Going down to the cargo hold, he began to wonder about what hurdles lay before him, but he shrugged it off and said he’d worry about it after his nap.

Weapons: Navar is equipped with two hand crafted daggers both with blades about two palmspans and two nailsbreadths long with a handle that is one palmspan, both have silver blades with a garnet colored flame etched up the sides and silver snake headed hilt with vials that leak poison to the blade one dagger has an ivory handle while the other one has an ebony one. Also Navar carried an ivory recurve bow with arrows some with poison for assassinations and some with no poison for hunting. Five Vials of poison

Belongings: Two daggers, an ivory bow with arrows, five vials of poison, a tent, and a silver ring embedded with emeralds and a garnet snake emblem on it (belonged to his father).

Familiar: Navar is acommpied by his faithful Mélor'aél. The little mammal was originally his father's but after his death Navar inherited him. Navar has found him to be invaluble in combat.

All in all, well done Navar. ;) Thumb up Mostly grammatical errors but other than that, very well written. I wish you a speedy re-approval, my friend. Until next our paths cross in the sands of time.

Sincerely,

Dagan Ares Bloodthirst


P.S. For those of you keeping score, that is my FIRST complete URI check. Only another couple thousand and maybe I'll be a mini-mod. LOL! I wish you all the best my friends, and Vesk, many congratulations on finding love.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2007, 03:51:15 AM by Dagan Ares Bloodthirst » Logged

"My blade is malicious justice forged into metallic form! I seek the blood and destruction of all who persecute the innocent! Wickedness, I am your killer!" - Lorek Bearfist

~Shameless Self Promotion
Vesk Lyricahl
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« Reply #31 on: August 08, 2007, 12:37:30 AM »

With its special abilities, that familiar of yours should be listed as a strength. Its abilities may also play into combat and assassination jobs, so you should describe how Navar uses them to his advantage. Take care of that, and I think this will be ready to be moved back to the archives.
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Lorek Bearfist
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« Reply #32 on: August 08, 2007, 02:38:49 AM »

I do believe I promised a full run-through of your CD, Navar. Although it looks really well there are some nit-picks I have. Rather than make another post with your CD attatched I'll just use my original check to correct the mistakes I've found. Best of luck for rapid approval.

*Edit*: Just finished running through your CD Navar. Please incorporate the grammatical corrections I posted and the last name thingy. Also upping his weight as I suggested would be much appreciated. Trust me, IRL I'm 6'4" 150 and I'm about as skinny as Navar would be if he were real, so ... yeah, a little extra meat on his bones wouldn't hurt.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2007, 03:56:13 AM by Dagan Ares Bloodthirst » Logged

"My blade is malicious justice forged into metallic form! I seek the blood and destruction of all who persecute the innocent! Wickedness, I am your killer!" - Lorek Bearfist

~Shameless Self Promotion
Vesk Lyricahl
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« Reply #33 on: August 08, 2007, 04:48:12 AM »

Since I've already commented on Navar, I'm here to comment on your comments Dagan.

1. Characters are not required to have last names. If he wants his character to be known as Navar the Rogue Assassin, then its all fine and dandy. You're not about to tell Luca that she needs a last name, are you? :P

2. His weight is fine for an elf. As a Coor'hem he could be bulkier if he so chose, but it is entirely his decision.
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Lorek Bearfist
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« Reply #34 on: August 08, 2007, 05:06:23 AM »

I never said those two were required just that they were helpful suggestions. However, thank you for your input on those two topics Vesk.
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"My blade is malicious justice forged into metallic form! I seek the blood and destruction of all who persecute the innocent! Wickedness, I am your killer!" - Lorek Bearfist

~Shameless Self Promotion
Navar The Rogue Assassin
The Rogue Assassin
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Elf, Coór'hém


« Reply #35 on: August 08, 2007, 07:06:50 AM »

Alrighty CD updated all Changes are done and I am ready for my second approval....again  grin
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There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.

      ~Navar~

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Vesk Lyricahl
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« Reply #36 on: August 08, 2007, 09:39:21 AM »

Everything looks good to me, so back it goes. ;)
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #37 on: October 18, 2007, 10:08:41 AM »

Bringing up as requested!
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Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Navar The Rogue Assassin
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« Reply #38 on: November 29, 2007, 11:36:42 AM »

Hope this works, no posion, not as batle happy but still as obnoxious  ;)  (not really)
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There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.

      ~Navar~

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Navar The Rogue Assassin
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« Reply #39 on: March 12, 2009, 09:10:07 AM »

Alrighty, Bumping back up. I have made a few alterations on him. Mainly I have made him less obnoxious and have removed his ability to use poison.
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There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.

      ~Navar~

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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #40 on: March 14, 2009, 03:58:05 AM »

I am sure you could add a bit more to describe his personality, since you have been around a while and all ^.~
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Azhira Styralias
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« Reply #41 on: March 14, 2009, 04:25:34 AM »

Navar has said to me that he will be doing a large revision on this CD to meet current standards.  ;)

Looking forward to it!
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Mannix
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« Reply #42 on: March 14, 2009, 04:13:40 PM »

Since your doing a revision, I changed the icon to the pencil for you, Navar. Just to keep the board all clean and tidy. I'm pedantic like that. :D

Mannix
« Last Edit: March 14, 2009, 04:24:14 PM by Mannix » Logged

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