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Author Topic: Callie Sornak/Erpheronian/Lonely Child  (Read 7799 times)
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Augustus the Wanderer
New Santharian

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« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2006, 01:46:23 AM »

Ok, thanks. I was confused for a minute. :)  

I wander alone. I work alone. I teach myself what I need to know. I am independent   -Augustus the Wanderer

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Kareesh Valendar
Hatred's Fury
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Elf, Arthyron


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« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2006, 08:44:23 AM »

Bump


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Thrg'Shirenc
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Elf, Melad'rhim


« Reply #17 on: October 29, 2006, 11:30:23 AM »

the only thing i can think of is to add her wait to the post

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May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

S ilian thelduin onr lf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Twn Arerwn
Death's Mistress
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« Reply #18 on: October 29, 2006, 12:33:23 PM »

Hello Callie! First I would like to extend my humble apologies, as I have not URI checked this sooner. My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: orange.

Name: Callie Sornak

Gender: Female

Age: 14

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Eyes: Light blue

Hair: Light brown

Height: 1 ped, 1 fore and a couple palmspans

Weight:

Title: Lonely Child

Occupation: n/a If this is N/A then it is really not needed and can be removed.

Appearance:
~Face: Her face has a haunting look to it. Even so, her light blue eyes shine bright. Many who come across her (The casual person that meets her would or could not make the assumption that this attribute is caused by tears. Maybe stating those that have known her over a period of time would assume this might sound better?) say that it is because of all the tears that she has shed, that there are permanently placed there. Her hair is scraggly from lack of washings and brushings. It hangs down across her face and falls to just beneath her shoulders. There, it hangs very jagged for she never has had it styled or cut correctly. Usually, she just finds a sharp object to cut it with when it gets too long for her comfort.

~Body: Her body is very thin for she has never really been fed properly. In some places, such as her knees and elbows, her bones stick out quite frightingly. ( Just making this a new paragraph would work fine as a seperation of various aspects of her appearence. No need really to place this under its own heading.)

Clothing: Upon her body she wears only 2 pieces of clothing, a dress of some sort and cloth slippers. The dress only goes down to her knees and is so tattered and the like that it could barely be called any type of clothing. The cloth slippers are just made out of some cloth that someone tied together so that Callie doesn't have to walk around bare-footed. Both pieces of clothing are grey and have several stains upon them. (This could also just be another paragraph within the descryption section. New colored titles for sections are meant to seperate different areas of the CD or very specific things that Mods or Admins. might want highlighted.)

Personality: Callie is often depressed and can often be heard sobbing at night. Dark memories of her past haunt her and they always resurface at night. (Though she is indeed very young her personality should be more complex. Think of all the things that run through your mind at various times and you can fathom the complexity possible in this section. Tell us what makes her angry, sad, happy, fearful or what it is that drives this young child to fight on to survive such a harsh life.)

Strengths:
No space needed here
~Decent drawing. From years of being alone, Callie practiced the art of drawing. She often drew the world around her and has established herself upon many streets. This particular talent has helped her to gain some coin.

Weaknesses:
No space needed here
~Fear of men. She's been used/raped by men so many times in her life that she has a fear of men. She won't trust them and it takes her a long time to get close to a man.
No space needed here
~Too small. Because she doesn't eat all that well, her body is very small, too small in fact which leads to the next one...
No space needed here
~Sickly. Because of her lack of food and water, Callie is often sick.
No space needed here
~Weak. She is very weak, even weaker then a normal person.
Very nice S&W sections: Simple yet very accurate and easily measured for balance.
History:
No space needed here
A cry echoed throughout the streets. Two thugs stood over the bodies of two dead Erphorians, a man and a woman, a husband and wife. Upon the ground, her blanket red with the blood of her parents, lay a baby, crying from fear. She was not even a year old.

Wot are we gunna dew wit this ere babe? asked the smaller of the two thugs.
No space needed here, the following sentence is part of the above and should just be a single paragraph.
The other smiled with an evil glint in his eye. I say we carve er up real good. Show them we means business.

The other knelt down and looked at the babe. Awe.I dun think wes should dew that. He sat there looking at the crying baby for a moment. Killing innocents of age he could do, but not killing innocent babies. A thought crossed his mind. He knew how Benadir worked and what would sway him.

Benadir, wot iffin wes give er to Helena? Shes aint gots no kids. Shes could bring this litle one ups.
No space needed here, the following sentence is part of the above and should just be a single paragraph.
Benadir looked at the other sharply. And why would we do that, Manthar?

Manthar stood up and sidled up to his companion. Wellsshe is a girl...

Yeah? So? Shes a baby!

Fer noaw shes is. But, shell groaw oalda. Manthar hesitated for a second. He knew what he was condemning the child to, but in his eyes, it was better then condemning her to death. Also, she would be cheaper than those otha woman thaten yous use

Benadir looked down at the girl through narrow eyes. True, she wouldnt cost a thing, unlike those bitches that he often paid for company. And, he would get to be the first man to touch her, younger then<--than he would find anywhere else. His pants grew at the thought of it. He pushed the thoughts aside momentarily as he looked at Manthar.

Alright. Grab er and well we bring to Helenas on our way back. He turned to walk out of the alley without a glance backwards.

Manthar gave a grim smile as he picked up the baby and soothed her. Her face was red from crying for so long. When she felt Manthars finger against her cheek, she stopped crying and looked up at him. She had the biggest, bluest eyes that Manthar had ever seen. Hurriedly, he ran to catch up with Benadir.

Helena wasnt exactly excited to receive a baby, but when she heard why, she gave a knowing smile. Helena was a larger woman with curves that made any man turn their head whenever she walked by. Not only was she one to grab mens attentions, she also ran several secret brothel houses in the city of _________; her house was used for one of them.

Thus, the young baby was given to Helena with the understanding that Benadir would be the first one to have her when Helena decided that she was ready. Manthar knew that this girls life was his fault, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was beginning to have a plan in his mind about stealing the young child away when Helena was busy with a customer. Unfortunately, nothing could be done, for the next night, he was killed in a skirmish with another gang.

Under Helenas care, the baby grew. She was given the name of Callie Sornak.(Not sure why they would bother with a surname for her,) Very early on, she was exposed to the business of Helena. She often had to watch Helena perform services for a customer so that she would know what to expect. Although Helena treated all her girls like her own daughters, Callie was the exception. She was like the younger sister that nobody wanted around. If she didnt do something right, she was often beat.

When she turned 5 years old, Helena decided that she was old enough to complete the bargain with Benadir. The next day, Benadir came. Callie heard from one of the more friendlier girls what was going to happen. This scared her very much and she tried to run away when she saw Benadir. Benadir wasnt about to be deprived of his pleasure. Before Callie could make it out of the house, he caught her by her hair and cruelly dragged her to an empty room

After he was done with her, Benadir told Helena that she may use her as she wished, yet he would still get to use her without charge. Helena agreed, since he was the one who brought Callie to her.

For the next 6 years, Callie was abused under the care of Helena. Often, the men, mad in their lust, would beat her and leave her racked in pain. To make sure that Callie stayed attractive, Helena barely fed her so that Callie ended up being sick, but still being forced to perform favours.

Finally, Callie had enough and escaped one night while everyone was busy. She ran to the other side of the town, where she knew that those that captured her wouldnt go for this was another gangs territory. Here is where she learned her talent for drawing. She would often take a small rock and use a small piece of charcoal to draw a building or the like.

Unfortunately, her troubles werent solved. Men would often see her, weak and defenseless, drag her into an alley and abuse her. Because of this, Callie soon began to run whenever she saw a man approach her. Sometimes she would get away, sometimes not.

Companion(s): None

I hope my comments help you on your way to a title. If you have any questions be sure to ask them here as there are many about willing to help you polish up your CD.

~Sincerely~
Twen

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 10/29/06 23:45
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The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon,
ancient and full of death.
Twn Arerwn
Death's Mistress
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Elf, Iferhm


« Reply #19 on: November 13, 2006, 04:39:23 AM »

Hello Callie, it appears you have addressed all of my concerns with your CD. Though the personality is still a bit light, for my tastes anyhow, it is still well done. First approval

(`._he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath_.)

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The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon,
ancient and full of death.
Sarena Stormbringer
Laughing Flower
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« Reply #20 on: November 14, 2006, 03:04:23 PM »

Personalities are never my strong point. *sighs* But I shall try and add another paragraph.


Thanks to the author of Flipside for the picture.

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Thanks to Brion Foulke of Flipside for the picture.
Navar The Rogue Assassin
The Rogue Assassin
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Elf, Cor'hm


« Reply #21 on: November 14, 2006, 03:18:23 PM »

Wow Im glad you finally have been passed, I was wondering what happened to this CD, well just dropped by to give you a thumbs up :thumbup  

There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.     ~Navar~

need help with your character

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There are those who KILL and those who are KILLED, guess which one YOU are.

      ~Navar~

need help with your character?
Callie Sornak
Lonely Child
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Gender: Female
Posts: 51


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #22 on: November 16, 2006, 05:40:23 AM »

*gives a small bow* Thank you kindly. Now, I have to test her out in the Thirsty Herald....make sure I can do her personality right.

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