Koraein Morach/Erpheronian/Knight of Armeros

Hello again Koraein!

I have been asked to address some issues the CD mods have about some of your history. I’ll be doing a full review of your CD as well since I’m here

Here’s what I think needs some work:

Smithing skill – Your character has about two years of experience as a smith (Maybe three at the most). I don’t see how he could both forge his own sword within a week, and then 6 years later forge a suit of armor. These aren’t just two different skill sets; each of them would generally require an apprenticeship of about 7 years.

Personally, I’d change the smithing skill to something like this:
Blacksmith’s Son – Since he was a child, Koraein had been working with metals of all shapes and sizes. His father had been a blacksmith in Voldar and had instructed him in the craft. While Koraein cannot craft a useable suit of armor or a sword, he can spot a good blacksmith a mile away.

This issue with smiting brings us to your sword and armor.

I’ve done some metal work in the past. Crafting anything (much less a sword) is hard work, it takes years of experience and training and trial and error. It stretches the imagination a bit that a kid who only has two or three years under his belt can craft a sword in a week, much less a sword that will last 10 years.

I’m fine with the kid trying to make it, but it would make much more sense for Koraein’s father to come out at night alone and work the steel all night long. That way it makes sense that it lasted 10 years and how it got done so quickly.

For the armor, how about his father crafted him a set of armor for his graduation. However, with the death of his father, Koraein could have met some of his father’s contacts who would do work in his father’s honor; mainly he could have known an engraver who would engrave his armor and sword. (Again, Koraein would need to have some engraving experience, which is an entirely different beast than smithing, and very few smiths would be good at engraving)

Now, for some minor spelling and grammar:

Throughout your CD, you say “fathers” it should be “father’s” the apostrophe is possessive, without it Koraein has two fathers. Same thing with lions vs. lion’s.

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

More often ~~then~~ than not, he will put others before himself, and evil thoughts never cross his mind.

- This same mistake was made in the Judgmental section.

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

History

Koraein was born in the capitol city of Vardýnn, Voldar, to his father Thaelean Morach, and mother Janthea Morach (Maiden Caniga), although Koraein ~~ever~~ never met her. There were complications with the birth,(SPACE)and Janthea passed away a few hours after he was born, never getting the chance to see her child. The family was well off living in Middle-Class luxury. Thaelean made a living through blacksmithing for the capitol, and a living it was. More often ~~then~~ than not, the father would spoil Koraein with treats and nick-nacks he made while working, but soon the extravagant living had to cease. The demand for repairs and craft grew, which made it more difficult to continue bringing his son to work, so he hired a nanny of sorts, a young girl by the name of Teah, to look after him while he was gone. The arrangement had worked out well enough, through the next few years nothing of great importance happened.

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

Over the course of three days, the piece was delivered and the two set to work,(SPACE)fitting it to the blade.

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

Once accomplished, and approved of an elder once returning, the Knight in question will be ~~full fledged~~ full-fledged after one night of prayer.

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

While the ~~majourity~~ majority of the trainees focused on one or two types of fighting styles

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

"Stay on the path of right,(SPACE)the good, and look to Armeros for guidance. Maintain balance with all things, and your road shall be clear."

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

When he recited the last verse of the prayer (After hundreds of times), he had opened his eyes…and there in front of him was his sword, wrapped in a silk cloth. He was bewildered. He quickly left the temple to find his father...his heart stopped. The house he had been born in...every childhood memory(Up until he was 15, of course) he had experienced there…was gone.

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

The pommel and hilt depicts a lion’s head, with a small oontrom in its mouth. The guard of the sword is a lion’s claw "holding" the blade.

Quote from: Koraein Morach on May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM

Kay,(SPACE)now in the present, follows close by in the "pursuit of justice" always within a reasonable distance of Koraein.

Koraein, most of these mistakes can be caught using a standard word processer before you post. If you don’t have one I can point you to several decent free ones online.

I hope this puts you closer to getting approved! Let us know if you have any questions/concerns/comments/complaints/ect. grin