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Author Topic: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith  (Read 6736 times)
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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2013, 06:37:46 PM »

My firefox troubles me, so a new post:

Quote
Just after a week he got his first mission together with new knights as well. they are about to hunt and kill the evil wizard who experiments with the dead. Accompanied by newly elected Clerics of Armeros they faced the wizard. The wizard proves to be powerful though and the new Knights and Clerics The Evil wizard killed 5 Knights using Lightning summoned from the sky.

Why would the temple send out a whole lot of newbies, and not a mixture of well seasoned and new ones? No need to take so many clerics on a mission. Correct the last sentence. Why is the wizard so powerful, just because he was able to kill five with one lightning stroke? Where do you know from that he is a necromancer?


         "We are the Knights of Armeros my brethren! We shall strike Divine Judgement upon this wretched souls. Have there been others? You did not mention them. Do not falter for Armeros is with us." He shouted. His companion replied with a war cry.  He stepped forward and raised his newly forged Sablecross, while looking above. Summoning all of himself and all of his faith to Armeros he shouted.

Not yet, later.

I would say, he needs to be in a much more tougher situation, he needs to cry out of desperation, waiting for the last blow to kill him, or something like that. And I would not ask to bless your sword, (why should you have the idea?), but let this be Armeros decision. Gods don't want to be said, what they have to do

        "Oh! Armeros Armourlord! I pray to thee. Bless the sword of thy servant to smite thine enemies!"

         Right after the little prayer, the swords blade burst in a very bright fire. All the people around stopped and marveled the beautiful fire in the blade of Sablecross.

Oh no, and while they wondered, the enemies are given the opportunity to slash them?

OK, now think of a situation, where not all are killed, but where YOU are in a situation to die right in the the next moment, the wizard over you (you can now practise , not to be always the hero and slash your enemies) . And then you pray, and it is a shout and a cry from your deepest soul.

Invent some convincing battlescene here at this place, and then continue like this..

His hammers were lost (depends on if you can keep them), his strength coming to an end, his comrades struggling to survive themselves and the mage was still standing there, looking into Raevael's eyes, casting the spell which should finish him. In his  what could have been easily  his last moment he  cried to Armeros with all his might.

"Armeros, my Lord! I'm yours in life and death. You are the Just One! Don't allow this evil to overcome us!"

And with this cry, his blade burst in flames, and the mage who was about to cast the spell which would have been his death was blinded and the spell interupted and it was just a blink he needed to get to him and take his life.


       "Myr sword has been blessed. Armeros judged thee!" he said to the Wizard while pointing the tip of the Burning sword to him

he shouted to his comrades. And this were the battle luck turned, the remaining followers of the mage fled.

        "You shall die in the Burning Cross!" he finished then he charged at the wizard. the wizard started casting a lightning bolt spell directly at Raevael. Raevael noticed this and threw his hammer towards the wizard. the wizard saw a flying hammer going straight to his head. so he stopped casting his spell and evaded the hammer of his doom. Raevael plot succeeded, he interrupted his spell casting. He dashed towards him and lowered his burning great sword to his side. The wizard how ever realized that he cannot cast a spell anymore because the Knight with the burning sword is inching nearer. He is just 3 peds away from him. His choices are, he could risk to cast a spell, or he would flee. Thinking twice he started to cast a weak version of a thunderbolt spell that is quicker to cast. Raevael saw the scene and the wizard just seald his doom, Raevael trotted harder. The lightning element is already forming in his hands but his time is just enough for him to stab him before the wizard released the spell. The sword obviously went right through him. killing him in an instant while the flame is slowly burning his tunic to ashes.

          His fellow knights roared in triumph and started chanting the name of Raevael. Since the the Knights call him the Fireswinger and his Sword is now The Burning Cross. Because of his Miraculous Victory on his first errant, he was given the title of Paladin of Armeros by the Order

Have you noticed what I commented on a whole sword beeing aflame and the use of 'cross'?
           
So much for now.
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2013, 09:50:43 PM »

Now I get in. Raevael will forever not be worthy but still believed. he does not know if his prayer will be granted but yet he believed. His ability lies with his faith. Ta'Lia thanks you just made me realize how precious this ability is.

I also have revised his first errant (In red Text) and thanks for pointing it out..

Thanks
« Last Edit: January 18, 2013, 12:47:36 PM by Sir Raevael the Fireswinger » Logged

"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2013, 02:21:21 PM »

     I have removed the idea of him being able to counter magic or rather him having knowledge on how to counter magic. lets leave the ability to other magicians.
     I just realized how unbalanced the character was. So basically he is just one swordmaster with an armor and three hammers.
     I did this because it would ruin the exitement later if my character is way too powerfull so. I included an Ice phobia as his weakness.

     I also revised some of the contents (in red text). and also the reason why the The Burning Cross is colored black.

     Hopefully this is enough for my charater to be approved. :)

      if still there are things that needs to be fixed please inform me.

      Please review and thanks a lot.

 
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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Seh'nara Celebrindal
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« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2013, 06:48:49 PM »

Hi Raevael! I'll be reviewing your strengths and weaknesses today. In pink.

Strengths:
                 1. Raevael is an exceptional sword master, only a few in the order can match his prowress (prowess) in the sword. He can also adjust his fighting style depending on his opponents weapon.
                 2. Raevael is adept in using his three trowing (throwing) hammers strapped in his belt. He is using (uses) this to interupt (interrupt) a casting mage, to hunt wild game or simply to butt in in battles and wanted to show his prescence.(presence) (he usually look for it after the battle.) This sentence is really awkward. You can combine the interrupting a mage and interrupting battles into one - he likes to use his hammer to interrupt dangerous situations or something of the sort. Also, please specify the length at which he can shoot. And also, if you're good at hunting, it's considered a strength as well.
                 3.Because of his faith to Armeros. Armeros Blessed his sword to burst to flames once. No one knows if Armeros would bless his sword again, but he believe if the blessing is necessarry Armeros would grant it. It is an ability that cannot be used often.(He was the first non magical warrior to gain a direct blessing from Armeros) (Like Talia said, this isn't necessary and it's also impossible to know.)
                 4.Wearing his specially crafted black full plate armor. He is really though. (Do you mean through? Or tough? Either way, please rephrase it. Additionally, wearing armour isn't a strength. Anyone can do that. But battling in armour is a different thing. You might want to focus on that instead; that he knows how to move in heavy armour.)
                 5.Being a bookworm provides him information in dire situations. his general knowledge and lore saved him many times.
                 6.He's has also enough knowledge in first aid and Herbology it terms of healing. (Specifying how much you know would be very helpful.)

A good start, but you're very overpowered. Let me break it down for you. You are:

a) an "exceptional warrior" that only a few can beat (which is highly unlikely considering that he's too young to have enough proper experience)
b) intelligent, knows the world
c) a person skilled in knowing the different plants for healing
d) knows how to APPLY those plants properly
e) knows how to properly fight in heavy armour
f) knows how to throw hammers accurately
g) has a flaming sword at hand (the mods are still discussing this though, so just hang on it for a while)
h) can hunt and is "good at it" (from your accessories section)

Oh, and you're also 29 years old. It's way too many skills for you to "master" at such a young age. I recommend you either take away some strengths or tone them down. It's okay to be a jack of all trades, but within reason. Unless you're far older (think 50+) it's highly unlikely for you to be that skilled in so many things.


Weaknesses:
                 1.He dont like working with other people. he usually do things alone wether a mission on a faraway land or a certain prodject he wants to finish. He usually end up fighting hordes of enemies in his line of work thus being a loner is defenitly not an advantage
                 2.This is one of his great weakness. He has a sickness called Severe Strangling Disease, which he inherited from his father. it could prove fatal in the middle of combat because in case the disease attack he will have a hard time breathing and speaking. He will later become weak, too weak to lift his sword. Lately he's attacked by the disease more often. Throughout the years he is still figuring out what triggers the disease.
                 3. His greatest weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. Raevael spent all of his training in the arts of the sword, thus that is the only known method of fighting. (How about the hammers?) He can punch and kick but the technique is pathetic. In this situation he desperately need help or he would die. (This can't be considered a weakness. Taking away a weapon is a blow to any character, and a peasant (which is the yardstick for S&Ws) doesn't need a weapon anyway. I recommend you make this a lot harsher - like he freaks out and goes mental or starts bubbling like a kid or whatever - or take it out completely.)
                 4.A good magician is Raevaels doom, if he fights a mage he immediately stuggle because he does not have any countermeasures for magic. his only chance if if the three hammers landed a hit on the magician. but often times they miss. He usually need a companion if he needs to battle a magician. (I wouldn't count this as a weakness. Weaknesses are measured against the average peasant on the farm. I'd expect little of them knows how to take down a mage as well.)
                 5.Normally though he is not magically gifted. he would not fear facing a magician if he got companions. but to face a mage mastered the element of ice is a different story. Since he saw his mother died by suffocation by encasing her in ice, Raevael developed a phobia out of it. If he encountered an Ice mage, he would involuntaryly shake and would have a cold sweat. He cant think clearly as well. His attacks in this state will become so dull that a normal swordsman would gain a terrible advantage out of him. (I hate to say this, but I wouldn't consider this a weakness as well. This is an incredibly situation specific weakness. It's like saying I'm afraid of water but only when the sun is blue and the moon is in the half-moon phase. Try making it more general, like a fear of magic, or a fear of water or claustrophobia.)

Please run your CD through a spellchecker. I gave up correcting your grammar/spelling a little into your S&Ws. It just makes it easier to read. :)

You have a good start here, but you honestly still need to work on your CD. You're very much overpowered. Either take away some strengths or put in more weaknesses. The S&Ws is one of the more important parts of the CD, cause it directly affects how you RP your character. I may seem harsh, but it's only cause I'd like to see you approved as quick as possible. I'll come back and review it when you're done updating it.  :D

Good luck!
Seh'nara
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2013, 07:23:25 PM »

Seh'nara thank you for checking my cd as well I'll fix it right now. XD

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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2013, 07:55:04 PM »

Quote
  3.Because of his faith to Armeros. Armeros Blessed his sword to burst to flames once. No one knows if Armeros would bless his sword again, but he believe if the blessing is necessarry Armeros would grant it. It is an ability that cannot be used often.(He was the first non magical warrior to gain a direct blessing from Armeros) 

Raevael, you still don't understand. THIS IS NOT AN ABILITY.

Your statement above is not entirely correct either. The sword did not burst in flames, only because he believes in Armeros, but because he was about to die AND prayed with his whole heart. So I would formulate it more like this:

When facing death once, he prayed with all his heart to Armeros to save him and, due to his unwavering belief in the god of War and Justice, his sword burst into flames and blinded the attacker, so saving his life.


This is not a strength in itself, but would belong to history only. However, you can make it to a strength, if you add following:

From this day on Raevael believed, that, if the need would arise and his faith in the god is still strong, that Armeros might again bless him and set the sword again aflame. This belief drives him forward in fights and gives him a reassurance, which lets him fight when others would give up.

Here, that's quite a strength! 

Even if the mods decide, that the firesword is too powerful, you have something which drives you - and I'm quite sure, that, if your roleplay shows, that you are not playing god , the storymods might decide at a later time (and depending on the situation), that you sword might burst in flame a second time.

Btw, I have a magical sword also, it protects, but I used its magic in 11 years roleplaying just once. There were tough situations enough, but not in the way, I could use it a second time.

(but don't look at my CD, I wrote it ages ago when there were nearly none restrictions, it does not follow the format required today)



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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #21 on: January 18, 2013, 08:09:29 PM »

Raeveal, please, clerics DO NOT CAST SPELLS, they pray!
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #22 on: January 18, 2013, 08:50:15 PM »

      Thanks Seh'nara I have just revised the S&W. Decided to give him Fear of Ice, and his weakness againts quick fighters.

      Ta'lia I think what you really mean is his "FAITH" to armeros itself is his strength, and the Flaming sword is just a bonus right. Thanks you for patiently exlaining it to me, and sorry as well I kinda used your example.

After this ill be running spell checker

All of my revisions are in color orange.

Thanks you everyone :) please review again



« Last Edit: January 19, 2013, 01:37:16 PM by Sir Raevael the Fireswinger » Logged

"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #23 on: January 19, 2013, 02:09:22 PM »

      I decided to remove his healing and herbology knowledge to tone down his Strengths and decided to give him Fear of Ice instead of Claustrophobia because if I stick to Claustrophobia I would have to revise a part of his history again.

      I have also finished proof reading the whole CD I may have overlooked some parts so I do apologize.

      And I really don't mind if the burning sword would only be a part of his history, but I appreaciate if you would allow for Raevael to burst his sword to fire from time to time. It is not a skill any way it is a blessing.

      Maybe he can make his sword burst only once in every story, but still it is up to you

      Aside from his issue with the flaming sword I think the cd is ready.

      Please feel free to review if there are still things to tone down :)

      Thanks :)

« Last Edit: January 19, 2013, 02:18:16 PM by Sir Raevael the Fireswinger » Logged

"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #24 on: January 19, 2013, 08:28:10 PM »

     Since this character is not approved yet I decided to change my characters name to Reveniel the Black Paladin. Reveniel which is my preffered name, and black paladin temporarily until the firesword would get approved. If not I would retain the Black Paladin Title. I apologize to all of you for this...Thanks
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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #25 on: January 20, 2013, 01:42:47 PM »

completely dropped the idea of the flaming sword, instead I used his Devotion to Armeros as a strength. I am still thinking of a new name for the sword though, and maybe I would try looking into the elvish dictionary for a good sword name.

I already revised the history to match the changes I made on his S&W.

I'll try to proofcheck later..

Please review thanks...................
« Last Edit: January 20, 2013, 03:16:51 PM by Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin (Raevael the Fireswinger) » Logged

"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #26 on: January 20, 2013, 05:03:39 PM »

Decided to name the sword Valathor....
« Last Edit: January 20, 2013, 07:59:31 PM by Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin (Raevael the Fireswinger) » Logged

"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #27 on: January 21, 2013, 03:41:57 PM »

I made a lot of huge revisions on my cd. I may have neglected my punctuations, tenses and grammar, but I think my cd is ready.

Please I needed an experts review if my character is balanced enough.. If it is then Ill fix the problems in grammar, punctuation and tenses. If not please do inform me


Any review will be so much appreciated.

Hopefully my character will be approved soon........


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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #28 on: January 21, 2013, 05:39:19 PM »

No, Reneviel, that's not the way to approach things.

 You want us to read your stuff, then please be so kind and fix you grammar/spelling  and even the punctuation problems first. It is very impolite to ask us to stumble through bad English, especially for those like me who are not native speakers. (Well, maybe this is worse for them). You can only become better by practising that. Your posts later in the Herald or in a story should be free of spelling errors also. How do you want to achieve this? And believe me, there are still many errors left after you can't find anyone anymore!

Unfortunately the spell checking function on this site is broken, so please use a software on your comp and let it run over your texts - and not only the long ones, the short ones also.

Thank you! :)
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #29 on: January 21, 2013, 08:11:58 PM »

I apologize if it sounded that way. I'm just getting impatient. But lets don't talk about it anymore.

The CD should be crisp and clean of errors. I have used an online application (spellcheckplus.com) to clean my errors....

I know you are all busy since this is a new year and it seems you are also updating the site.

But if you can spare some of your time, try to check if the CD is balanced

other comments are also welcome.

You guys don't even need to approve the burning sword concept since I dropped it completely.

Thank you and peace.......

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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
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