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Author Topic: Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin-Erpheronian/Paladin of Armeros/Blacksmith  (Read 6734 times)
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #30 on: January 23, 2013, 02:26:25 PM »

I realize that it can take awhile to get a character approved, Reveniel, but just remember that creating a character takes time. Not only do you have to have him or her up to snuff, you also have to learn to connect with him/her. For instance, I've written several characters, and although they're all approved, I still don't know how to write with them. And remember, this is also a way for the story mods to see how you write and respond to constructive criticism. They do take those things into consideration when allowing people into their stories.

With all that being said, I'm back with my lime green pen again. I'll be focusing on your Strengths and Weaknesses as I'm feeling a bit under the weather today. So, let's take a look, shall we? :)


Strengths and Weaknesses
          Strengths:
                1. Reveniel is a good swordsman, most of his peers agree that he is gifted with the sword. He can also adjust his fighting style depending on his opponents weapon. Despite that he still has a lot to learn and he is still learning from his uncle from time to time.
                2. He is adept in using his three throwing hammers strapped in his belt. He uses his hammers to interrupt life-threatening situations, and/or escape. He is using uses his hammer to hunt wild game as well. But his favorite use of his hammer is throwing it in the middle of the battle announcing his arrival if he feels like butting in. He can effectively throw a hammer for about 4 to 5 peds. (he usually looks for it after the battle, in case he used it to escape, he makes a replacement.)
                3. Reveniel's faith to Armeros is astounding that he would find courage in the most dire situations, situations that most people would falter or waver. No! not him. He believes that Armeros will not ever leave his side as long as his faith is unyielding

                4. He is really used use to battle wearing his full plate armor as if the armor is his second skin.
 
                5. He has enough knowledge to survive alone in the wilderness. He can hunt, he can make fire and he can set camp if needed. Most of the skills are acquired from his wanderings with his uncle.

               
          Weaknesses:
               1. Likes to show off and always likes to look good. He pretends as if he's not showing off every time. Because of that he often times underestimate his opponents

               2. He assumes too much. Specially if his companions somehow do not have enough experience in battle.

               3. This is one of his great weakness. He has a sickness called Severe Strangling Disease, which he inherited from his father. It could prove fatal in the middle of combat because in case the disease attack he will have a hard time breathing and speaking. He will later become weak, too weak to lift his sword. Lately he's attacked by the disease more often. Throughout the years he is still figuring out what triggers the disease.
 
               4. Another of his weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. He panics if that happened. If he does, he is a dead meat. He can punch and kick, but the technique is pathetic. He can use his hammers, but not as effective compared with a sword and most of the time he already threw all three of them. In this situation he only got has two options to survive. Either snap out of his panic state (which never happens) and try to grab either his sword or one of his hammers, or ask help from his companions. There's actually three options here. 1. Snapping out of the panic 2. Grabbing one of his weapons and 3. Asking for help.

               5. Fear of Ice. He has this condition ever since he was a child. When he was young. He was on one their family's travels together. A group of bandits and a mage ambushed their wagon. They wanted to steal every weapon they carry, and the fabled black mithrillan sword. His father gave all of the swords, but he can't couldn't provide the fabled sword since it is not with him. They should have been spared, but because of his fathers father's rather harsh comment, the bandits decided to kill them. One bandit killed his father and his mother was encased in ice by the mage, suffocating her. That memory still hurts him until now.

              6 . Though he is a seasoned swordsman he does have a lot of trouble facing someone who is nimble and quick. That is why facing an enemy that uses speed agility and nimbleness is a bad situation for him. The one thing he can do in such situations is give up using his sword and yield his hammer. This doesn't make much sense to me. If he is emboldened by his faith in Aremos, wouldn't that bravery go into fighting an agile opponent as well? From what I've read of this character, I don't see him submitting to someone very easily. Instead of saying something that sounds like he would give up, maybe you can just say something about how he is more than likely to lose against that person or he gets frustrated or something like that. Think of what your character would do. But as I said I would avoid using "I said" as it changes the feel of the rest of the CD. Try using "as stated before" or something like that. he is not adept in using the hammers as a one hand weapon, but for throwing it. His other way out is either outwit his opponent or have one of his companions help him.

Okay, closing thoughts. First, you have a horse. That is considered a strength. When you take that into consideration, your character is overpowered. Remember, having a balanced character doesn't mean that you have equal numbers of strengths and weaknesses. You have to think about how powerful or debilitating that strength or weakness is.

Let's take a look at your strengths: You're a super swordsmen who apparently knows several different fighting styles, you're pretty good with throwing hammers, he is strong enough to wear full-plate armor, he's a survival expert, and he has a horse. Also, he's had training in smithing, apparently enough to be able to make throwing hammers, which I can imagine is no easy task, so that is also a strength. Your ability to mine is also a strength.

Your weaknesses are: he's a show off, assumes a bit too much, has Severe Strangling Disease, panics when his sword is removed (but remember, he still has his hammers, and it does hurt to get hit in the face by a metal plated gauntlet), has a fear of ice, and is a bit slow to fight someone who is quick and agile.

So let's see what we can do. I'm not saying your character has to be "normal" and can't be strong at all. He's way better off than many people of Sarvonia with just his armor. My suggestions are these. First, maybe he's not really good at the throwing hammers. Perhaps he can't aim all that well with them, but since he's strong, he can throw them pretty far.

I don't want to take away your blacksmithing, since that is a big part of your history, but perhaps get rid of the mining ability. It's not needed. Also, the fear of ice may seem like a big weakness, but honestly, unless you go to Northern Sarvonia, you don't encounter that much ice. It's not like Sarvonians have ice cubes in their drinks or something like that.

Maybe instead of a survival expert, he just knows the basics. I think it would be hard to kill animals with throwing hammers and a sword. Perhaps he just knows how to build a fire and build very simple traps for animals. He wouldn't know tracking or any of the "expert" stuff.

My brain is starting to wander now, so I'll close here. Think about your character. Think about which strengths are really important to him and which ones aren't so much. I gave you a few ideas of how you can balance him out.

Also, make sure you check your grammar. I changed some that I came across, but I know there are others. I know it may be harder if English isn't your native language, but what helps me is reading it out loud. My poor husband has had to sit through me reading my writings out loud and pausing so I can fix something. This also helps you to "see" it with new eyes.

Well, that's it. Remember to color your changes. :)
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #31 on: January 23, 2013, 04:41:58 PM »

Thank you kareesh. I just finished revising the S&W and a part of his history about his aquisition of his armor.

Please feel free to review again

The revisions are in color yellow

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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Seh'nara Celebrindal
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« Reply #32 on: January 23, 2013, 05:44:29 PM »

Reveniel, I don't think you quite grasp how overpowered your character is currently. It's okay if you want to be a strong warrior, but please make it so within limits. I'll review your current weaknesses and compare them to your strengths.

Quote
               1. Likes to show off and always likes to look good. He pretends as if he's not showing off every time. Because of that he often times underestimate his opponents

               2. He assumes too much. Specially if his companions somehow do not have enough experience in battle.

You can actually combine both of these weaknesses into one: ego. He's proud, likes to show off and looks down on other people, thus making him underestimate his opponents as well as his companions. You can even expand it to him being unwilling to ask for help, which is relevant to my next few comments.

Quote
               4. Another of his weakness is this. Remove the sword in his arm and he will be an armored dummy. He panics if that happened. If he does, he is a dead meat. He can punch and kick, but the technique is pathetic. He can use his hammers, but not as effective compared with a sword and most of the time he already threw all three of them. In this situation he only got two options to survive,  1. snap out of panic state (which never happens) 2. grab any weapon 3. ask for help

6 . Though he is a seasoned swordsman he does have a lot of trouble facing someone who is nimble and quick. That is why facing an enemy that uses speed agility and nimbleness agitates him. Most of the times his agitation would lead to his defeat. He can definitly use the hammer but he is not good in using it as a handled weapon. In this situation he can either outwit his opponent or ask for help.

I highlighted the last line cause I don't understand why you put it in. You're basically saying oh yeah, my character panics when he doesn't have his sword/gets frustrated when he's fighting someone quick, but it doesn't matter, cause he can still save himself by doing A/B/C. Solving the weakness is part of the RPing process, not the CD process. That's the entire fun in RPing. On top of that, it actually de-emphasises the weakness of the weakness. It's not really a weakness at this point, it's just a quirk that could POSSIBLY weaken him, but can also help him. I recommend you take out the last line and put in something about how he's helpless when he's in panic mode. Remember, the point of weaknesses is to actually SHOW he's weak. To put in ways that he can get out of sticky situations; that defeats the purpose.

Quote
               5. Fear of Ice. He has this condition ever since he was a child. When he was young. He was on one their family's travels together. A group of bandits and a mage ambushed their wagon. They wanted to steal every weapon they carry, and the fabled black mithrillan sword. His father gave all of the swords, but he can't provide the fabled sword since it is not with him. They should have been spared, but because of his fathers rather harsh comment, the bandits decided to kill them. One bandit killed his father and his mother was encased in ice by the mage, suffocating her. That memory still hurts him until now.

Like Kar and I have said before, this isn't particularly relevant in Sarvonia, where most of the stories are RPed in. It's a minor quirk that could just be put into the personality section, and isn't really a weakness at all.

Quote
              7. He may be an excellent warrior, but he's a pathetic adventurer. The only thing he knows when traveling to make fire and nothing else. He can't hunt he can't track he even can't make his own camp properly. During his travels with  his uncle, he relied on his uncle too much and never paid attention to surviving skills his uncle is teaching. During travels, he desperately need to always stop by in an inn to have a proper rest and meal, or if inns are not accessible, he desperately need a companion.

Making camp is basically making a fire and putting down a bedsheet. It's not as complicated as you write it out to be. Might I suggest making the weakness more pronounced? Like say, he doesn't get a good night's rest in the forest, that's why he needs an inn, or perhaps he doesn't know how to pick campsites and tends to camp near dangerous areas (ie: wolf lairs, bear caves, etc). Basically, he's a bad outdoorsman, and your paragraph should reflect that.

To review:

You're currently an excellent swordsman who is also a blacksmith (a really masterful one, cause you made your entire armour set by yourself - people take years as apprentices to even get that far), you have a companion that can take you anywhere and is extra hooves in a battle, you are skilled in fighting in heavy armour (which implies a great deal of stamina and strength - that thing ain't light) as well as being emboldened by faith. And you're also 29 years old. In contrast, you can't sleep outdoors, your "panic mode" is easily solved, and you have a big ego. Do you see why we think you're overpowered?

I apologise if I'm too harsh in my comments, again. I would very much like to see you approved, which is why I might be a little strong in my comments. Try reviewing your S&Ws again, and hopefully, the next time I come around, I can give you an approval. Besides this, you're actually doing very well. ^^

If you need anything, just PM me.
-Seh
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #33 on: January 23, 2013, 08:08:32 PM »

Hehe Apology is not needed Sehnara. I know I have a lot to learn since I'm new to this. so if you guys aren't straightforward, I will not learn.

thank you for reviewing again.

I will fix it right away :)

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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #34 on: January 23, 2013, 09:15:43 PM »

Done revising the S&W's

The new revisions are in color orange

Thanks
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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Seh'nara Celebrindal
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« Reply #35 on: January 25, 2013, 11:54:52 AM »

The new revisions look good! I like it. Let me poke my fellow mods and maybe we can give you an approval soon.
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #36 on: January 25, 2013, 09:20:33 PM »

Yes! Thanks sehnara haha, good to hear. If theres anything else,  you can always post here. Ill be on watch
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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Seh'nara Celebrindal
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« Reply #37 on: January 31, 2013, 06:33:07 PM »

Sweet. I'm ready to give you a FIRST APPROVAL! :D
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #38 on: January 31, 2013, 08:02:39 PM »

YAY! thanks for all the patience guys. Though it may take time I'm willing to learn more. Hopefully I'll be able to help you guys in the future.. :)

thanks again :)
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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #39 on: February 01, 2013, 02:17:25 AM »

You get my approval as well, Reveniel. If you would remove the color from your CD, we can title you and move 'im down to the archives. :)

Congrats and welcome to the Dream.
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Sir Reveniel the Black Paladin
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« Reply #40 on: February 01, 2013, 12:28:46 PM »

Colors Removed! Thanks for everything :) :) :)
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"You don't know my name? Well then remember this for I'll say it once to you! I am.......Reveniel!"
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #41 on: February 01, 2013, 12:39:42 PM »

Titled and Archived.  Congrats  :D
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