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Author Topic: Darién / deadeye  (Read 5327 times)
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New Santharian

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Posts: 32

« on: December 17, 2014, 03:44:09 AM »


Darién is fuelled by wrath, rage and vengeance for the outside world.  
He lived his entire life on the run for his nightmare’s and fears.
To overcome those fears he had to pass moral boundaries that darkened his heart.
He eventually learned about the darkest depths of human nature; becoming disgusted with it.

Tough Darién doesn’t act like he fears death. He rather avoids it, nevertheless.
Just like any other human he has willpower to life; driven by basic survival.
His motivations and goals change over time, and there are low points.
Many a time he felt bad, hated and heart-broken. Inner-conflicts, fear and inability have caused him to walk a thin line between life and death. Self-destruction and self-loathing is often projected on outside forces, putting himself in danger.
He faced innumerable dangers in the past, which made him numb to ‘provocative emotions and actions’ of other people.
Nevertheless he couldn’t have survived his lifestyle without a strong force to drive him.
Be it desire, hunger, safety, friends, money or the need for change, there was always something.
As his world keeps changing, more connections sever him from the social world.

Darién used to be different in the past. He always had his fears and his nightmare’s.
He conquered his fears and nightmare’s but it came at the cost of his own moral well-being.

Darién’s will to survive prevents him from being his true self.
His wrath, rage and vengeance cannot be projected  on the outer world.
The darkness inside him is like a chained beast.
If he would set it free it would go on a terrible rampage of death and destruction.

During his life Darién had to adapt many times in order to survive.
The best ways to describe his personality depends on the environment and setting he’s placed in.
As Darién grew up on the streets of Voldar between thieves and lowlifes;
-He was forced to use restraint and moderation; be selfish, become a coward, be treacherous and become unpredictable and unreliable.
During the first years of his life these became his greatest strengths. But as he grew up and aged his strengths proved to be his biggest weaknesses as he faced new conflicts and obstacles.
-When Darién made friends he adapted to suit the role of the strategist (tactical, engaging, solving and persevering)  within the group dynamic.
He’s always been the one with the willpower to get things done, his arrogance often resurfaces (from his supposed heritage or simply because he feels he’s the best) and he’s intimidating towards his opposition.

Eventually he conquered his inner-fears and submitted himself towards the ever-growing darkness inside of him. His entire nature changed as he learned the true scope of what had been done him.
It was the first time in his life he openly allowed the beast inside of him to run free.

It should be noted here that setting the beast free does not change Darién into a mindless beast of destruction. Instead it plays on his discipline, his free spirit and pushing himself and others to new limits for growth (the dangerous destructive kind).
He basically will go to any lengths to achieve his goal, risking everyone and everything. The beast manifests itself not by setting free emotion, but by  strategic manipulation, bluffing and risk taking.

Eventually when he completes his goal (consisting out of wrath, vengeance and rage) he will have to chain the beast again. Adapt to his normal patterns.

Another note on Darién’s personality…
If he faces setbacks he will often fall back to his previous adaptation. If he can no longer succeed trough discipline, he might resort to pride, if he fails again  he might use intimidation, strategy or arrogance.  If his opposition continues to topple him, he might fall back to his primal defences which he used when he was alone on the streets.
-He will have to use restraint and moderation; be selfish, become a coward, be treacherous and become unpredictable and unreliable.
If you somehow manage to trap Darién in a fight, discussion or force him into some kind of corner then his last resort is ‘the beast’.
It would seem like a different personality, but in fact it is just him with all the chains cast off.
Truth is…. Darién’s not a nice guy. Do not try to unchain the beast. Bad things will happen.

The biggest strenghts and weaknesses can often be found in the mind.
Darién has above average intelligence, but if he uses his intelligence in the right way remains to be the question....

For Story moderators and fellow-players on the boards....
You might want to look at Darién's CURRENT TRAIT STRUCTURE
If he's all alone, with no money he might be in his: "FINAL DEFENCES" adaption.
But as soon as he enters a party he will adapt towards the "GROUP DYNAMICS".
And so on....

In order to stimulate predictable behavior from Darién or steer him in the desired direction you can exploit his weaknesses or strengths.
These behaviors are mainly used as my personal guide.
You could just interact with Darién and see what happens.
This is merely my cheat sheet.
And since moderators desire a good balance of the character i thought I'd provide it for them.

Traits positive side
Wrath (the chained beast)
His wrath is his driving force. It’s the demon within that takes every step necessary to complete his goal. His moral limits are gone.
He takes care of himself, if it needs to be he will
do so at the cost of others.
In order to survive you sometimes have to run. Not every battle can be won. Live to fight another day.

He might betray others for his own betterment. Sometimes you have no choice. There are few people alive today that could cause this trait to conflict his moral boundaries.

Darién does what he wants, and goes where he wants. He is only a man of his word if it suits him well.

He has the willpower to get things done. He can be relentless in his pursuits or goals.

Darién’s ego protects him from feeling weak and vulnerable.
He’s a master tactician, engaging, solving and persevering. For tough situations he likes to plan ahead. And it usually pays off. Also he might make other people to depend on him.
He likes to create fear in others. Even if it’s false fear, other people might be frightened to oppose him. It’s a survival mechanism.
Courageous/ Fortitude:
Darién easily overcomes his fears when he’s on the path of success. The more he succeeds the braver he becomes. It’s a driving force.

Lots of success makes Darién feel himself superior to others.
Envy/ hateful:
Now that he’s growing in power he has more time to empathise with other people. He only sees their dark sides and focusses on their flaws. He hates to see others be more happier then him, he hates it when other people act nice to each-other and not to him.
Darién has a tendency to isolate himself from other people. He wants to avoid emotional dependency.

Darién commits to the cause.
Rebellious messiah:
Darién tries to overthrow power by seeding doubts. (he uses this to any enemy with power, be it law or some criminal mastermind).
No longer materialistic or caring:
He is willing to sacrifice all his resources to achieve his goal. He risks and gambles everything, even the lives of his beloved.
Dark engineer and mentor(manipulation):
He’s pushing people, henchmen, friends and enemies to the point of breaking.
Whenever Darién’s got henchmen he might give his men tasks which they can barely survive.
Traits Negative side
Wrath (the chained beast)
Darién often has to face consequences for having unleashed the beast. It’s possible he broke the laws, murdered or created a mess.
Others do not like this trait. Especially not if something needs sharing.
His cowardice is actually a STRENGHT, he knows when to run, and he knows when to fight. Without this ability he would not be alive today.
In itself it’s strength for survival. But it might cause some unforeseen side-effects. Allies could become enemies, or even die entirely because of it. Saving his own skin comes at a price.
Being unreliable might cause others to no longer depend on Darién. It causes distrust and it harms his reputation.
It’s all a matter of where sets his will towards. He might face a force that he can’t handle.
Other people might hate this trait. Darién makes them puny. It can cause trouble.
Strategic (Mayor strength):

Intimidate the wrong person or someone who doesn’t get frightened might expose his behaviour as a bluff.
Courageous/ Fortitude:

Just like arrogance, it makes people loathe him. They will say bad things behind his back.
Envy/ hateful:

emotional dependency doesn’t have to be a bad thing. He shuts out his ability to love, causing self-destructive behaviour or self-loathing.
The cause probably isn’t healthy in itself.
Rebellious messiah:

Dark engineer and mentor(manipulation):
For him it’s a strength to get things done.
For others it might create conflict.
Darién might push other’s to limits and force changes they don’t want.


Etiquette, reading and writing:
Darién’s learned the basics of etiquette and writing when he was just a child. He practiced his reading on occasion, especially when it gave him a good advantage over others.

Sneaking, fencing, pick-pocketing:
Darién learned how to blend in the crowd or the shadows unnoticeable, he has always been fleet-footed and it gave him an opportunistic advantage in combat-situations later on.

Manoeuvring, contingency planning:
Darién can climb fast, run fast, escape fast and he is able to quickly manoeuvre himself through urban districts and gets familiar with these kinds of environments rather quickly.

Quick and agile:
Darién can dodge, roll and elude his targets, mainly gaining the upper hand through his elusiveness.

Dirty fighting:

Giving cheap shots, improvising weapons, giving blows below the belt, using opportunity, use a sudden strike, taunting and sneak attacks.

Skirmisher (longs words and scimitars):
Darién received a bit of training from his nephew Lance. Lance’s was quite an expert through his militia training and he taught Darién a thing or two on how to handle a sword.
Darién’s style of fighting is mainly defensive, trying to gain opportunistic strikes through his speed and elusiveness.
Combined with some dirty fighting and a talent for improvising new strategies; he can become quite a fierce opponent.

His weapon of choice: “the heavy Crossbow”
An item he bought on the black-market which he then brought to some gnome engineers to enhance its power, range and accuracy.
It’s a priceless weapon which he spent his entire money’s savings on. It’s especially designed for long-range kills and is so easy to use that it can be wielded by practically anyone. It’s too heavy to carry around constantly and also too valuable to keep it in plain sight. He often has to go through some trouble to transport it or to hide it. It’s not a weapon he can use impulsively. But it’s his weapon of choice for most assassinations that require some planning.

Cutthroat “the dagger”
His stealth and his ability to be opportunistic from the shadows gives him an unfair advantage. Most of Darién’s kills where attacks from behind, out of the darkness of an ally or from the corner of a building. Darién nevertheless hates it, because it most of the time makes his clothes messy from the blood.

Darién has some basic hunting and surviving skills when he’s out in the wild. He can take care of himself.

A rare alchemy concoction called “Lisdra-powder” or “viper-toxic” which is the trade-mark drug of the viper- gang inside of voldar. It’s called after the efficient Lisdra-snake, and is used for providing a temporary feeling of invincibility. It’s long-term effects are damaging towards the body as it only provides a stimulating effect. giving the body a bit of an edge. It’s a good drug for street-fighting or to enhance sexual experiences. It consists out of various pricey ingredients and has a recipe which only the Viper clan possesses. It is said to consists out of Canelvous (soothing of pain), AvaáshaQuerin ( lung enhancement) and Arv plant (caffeine boost). The product is exported but the farther it gets from Voldar the harder it gets to find it. Darién’s addictions are purely of mental nature. His drugs are like his talisman.


Quirks are small ‘behaviour deficiencies’ or ‘coping mechanisms’ of his personality that might expose Darién’s weaknesses.
Not all quirks qualify as weaknesses, but Darién does see them that way. He likes his unpredictability. Every bit of knowledge others learn about him can jeopardize his safety.
(see the section about his quirks)

Depressions, feelings of detachment, loneliness can strengthen his apathy and stoic nature; Often making him feel even more miserable. He might reach out to somebody or go on a drinking rampage.
It’s a huge weakness for it makes him lose his edge. This is the best time for his enemies to strike. He’s the most vulnerable when he feels unhappy.

-A rare alchemy concoction called “Lisdra-powder”. Darién will never admit it’s an addiction. He always carries the stuff with him to make him feel top-notch during situations of extreme stress.
Overuse of the substance has caused him to speed up the age of his body. Long-term effects have made him feel 10 years older than he actually is.
This means he is overly sensitive in feeling his pains, bruises, bones, muscles and hangovers whenever he’s gotten into some action.

There three types of enemies that are a constant threat to Darién’s safety:
The city-guard/ law-enforcements:
Darién is a suspicious looking character with his tattoo’s and scars, it might make the authorities curious about him.
The huge bounty on his head:
Assassins, bounty hunters and sell swords are compelled to look for him.
Gang-related enemies from Voldar:
thugs, henchmen, god-fathers and kingpins; there are many who still have a beef to settle.

Le’aani is a girl that sometimes accompanies him.
She once was a fellow-thief, robbing together in their youth. The situation arose in which they had no money and winter was about to kick in. Darién’s plan was to join the small-time godfather Ratch Rimmendahl.
Le’aani didn’t want to join this man’s thieves guild because his cut was too big, and he was known to make little girls disappear.
Darién convinced her it was for the best to join, as they would not survive the winter without a godfather to rely on. They joined and after some months Le’aani disappeared. It was in the later years he discovered she was sold as a sex-slave and resided in the dark-chambers of the viper dungeon. Eventually Darién managed to free her, as he felt guilty for her fate. She was but a shell of her former self.  
She had suffered a huge trauma and resided in her own world. Darién kept her safe and goes to huge efforts to take care of her. He tends to keep her hidden and close somewhere,  or when he has to go on a journey he’s compelled to pay handsomely to those who can look after her.
She’s the embodiment of Darién’s weakness.

If you can’t get to Darién, then take Le’aani. They are the same age; and Le’aani is a beautiful girl, Darién isn’t really sexually attracted to her. He sees her more as a child of which he has to take care of.
Le’aani is stoic and quiet, and Darién is virtually the only one she trusts.

QUIRKS (coping and behavior defectives)

Physical quirk:
-He has noticeable tattoo’s (gang-marks) on both his arms.  On his left arm towards his wrist he bears the tattoo of the black-dagger clan and on his right arm and halfway over his back he has a tattoo of the viper clan.
These tattoo’s tell two different stories about him: ‘he’s been involved with more than one gang, which could make people assume he’s dangerous, and they might take precaution when dealing with him (making opportunistic strikes impossible.)
The second story is that it’s a rarity to belong towards two clans, he might either be a mediator of both clans or a traitor to one.

Physical quirk 2:
- He has three scars across the left side of his face “from the claws of a warg”. His eye got damaged and caused blindness. It healed eventually to show a cold white eye for it. During his first years on the street he often carried an eye-patch. His friends nicknamed him ‘one eye’ or ‘cyclops’. Later in his life the name changed to ‘dead-eye’, and sustained.

Physical quirk 3:

-He got bite scars on his arm, he has a deformity in the flesh on his right leg caused by the warg taking a chunk out of him.
he’s got scars on his left wrist and lower-arm (a Quaerash lizard crushed it in his youth; long story); it healed pretty well.
He’s got innumerable tiny scars all over his body ranging from puncture wounds to rending’s of the skin. Every scar tells a story which he doesn’t like sharing. If someone calls him ugly because of it; he might become hurt or even angry; depending on the mood and the person who says so.
Vocal quirk:
He has a tendency to argue with people who agree with him. (he might not always be as confident as he looks).

Vocal quirk 2:
He tends to “whistle a song” when he’s really happy. (which is quite rare).

small fears (phobias):
(they repulse him, or create hesitation)
-He fears becoming insane.
(don’t think too much, just do it already!)
-He fears magic, witchcraft and the supernatural.
(avoid that which you do not understand.)
-he fears being around dead bodies for too long. (they talk to him, they make him feel guilty.)
-he fears romance and love (he fears a woman with strong charisma and seduction skills)
-he sometimes gets paranoid when having a drink, because he fears poison.
-he fears sensitive memories, which he likes to suppress.

Abnormal Affection quirk (mental disorder):
He has an abnormal affection for wolf-like creatures; especially “wargs”. He can treat cubs or even fully grown wargs like as if they were his children, which is kind of odd. Standing before a wolf or a warg, he will probably be the only one devoid of fear when staring one in the eyes (which doesn’t necessarily lowers the threat, tough it might confuse the beast sometimes).
(This quirk originated from the past: he overcome his fears when fighting a warg and even travelled with a half-breed warg cub that sacrificed his life for him.)

Facts and information
A historical recollection of Darién’s life events

-Age 0:
Born as the fourth child and second Son to Valeria and Demion of the house Gularion (mixed bloods of Avennorian and Erperoronian heritage). The family house is located across the river, deep inside a forest to the east of Voldar. A frontier homestead isolated from civilization, that served as an important hub for Gularian business. The estate was once a mere trading post (connected to Voldar, where the supplies were sold); but after their fishing business flourished, and their new found wealth increased; it allowed them to expand. The Gularian estate became the family’s permanent home. It focused on various other avenues as well, such as import of valuable woods and sources of rare fish. Gularian estate managed to triple its income after one generation. It eventually attracted a lot of people that wanted to earn a coin. Employment grew. Tough threats also emerged such as bandits and raiders. Living on a fringe community (other people also settled near them), it was dangerous because they lacked protection from the city’s watch and therefor often hired sell swords to keep raiders and criminals away.
This is the place where Darién was born. He was the youngest. Having two sisters and an older brother. These first six years of Darién’s life where his happiest. After that he would forever become separated from the warmth, reliance and protection of his family, caused by a mysterious incident.  

-Age 6 (during autumn):  A mysterious and nearly fatal incident.

Lance Gularion, whose roots emerged from Voldar had to call Demion his uncle. Lance was fond of his uncle. He himself often visited the Gularion estate and its successes and wealth was something that made him proud of his bloodline and heritage. He himself lived in a wealthy home in Voldar, the place in which the first Gularian families had settled when they came to Vardynn. When Lance’s father eventually died at an early age (stabbed to death in a dark alley, reasons unknown), he made the decision to sell his property and join the erperonian army.

He lived and trained at military bases on the borders of contested areas. He had a certain independence, alas his own personal wealth allowed him more freedom to pursue the paths he wanted to. It was after six years of military service he eventually decided that he wanted to experience some real action. Demion; his wealthy uncle supported Lance (although he disapproved of war and expressed concern for Lance’s safety); he eventually agreed to help pull some strings among the lesser noble, which eventually gave Lance the opportunity to join the northern military expeditions near the tandalas.

In 3 years of guarding the borders, he did not encounter a single monstrosity to slay; or achieved a single title (besides that of his companions; who gave him the title of  santharia’s worst cook). Tired and disillusioned he quit military service to return to what used to be his home in Voldar. The world had changed during his absence and he had found out that his former crush had married someone else. His old home had turned into a pub for degenerates and lowlifes.

Even more disillusioned he turned towards the only place that would welcome him as family. Lance travelled to Gularian estate. Halfway this journey he noticed the dark clouds growing and the first drops of rain begin to fall… Lightning strikes at the horizon…
At a nehtorian temple he stopped to seek shelter from the storm.

A fierce storm covers the country turning the surrounding area’s in a swamp. Lightning strikes and fierce winds uproot trees. The incident happens. The entire Gularian family, including several sell swords and some servants disappear, never to be seen again.
Several hours or days (?) after the incident a boy is found by the river. His wounds includes bite marks and bloody scars ripped in the flesh all over his body; and his leg contains a festering wound that nearly kills him.

Age 6 (during autumn) three days after the incident:
Lance had found Darién by accident when he was about to resume his journey towards the estate.
The Nehtorian priest saves Darién’s life also; by healing his wounds and slowing the infections.

Lance sees two suspicious people approaching.
There is something about the two. He goes into the temple to retrieve his gear, and his sword.
The two people (later recognised as a female poacher and her husband fencer; a notorious couple that’s  known to take some mercenary work as well); arrive at the temple.
The nehtorian cleric suspects something odd about the two but nevertheless steps out to greets the two people.
The male poacher asks about the where-abouts of a boy.
The Cleric becomes guarded, intuitively knowing something’s wrong.
The poacher intuitively knows, the boy is there; from the cleric’s response.
The poacher then fires an arrow from her longbow.
The cleric gets hit between her beasts, causing an eruption of blood.
 The cleric breathes heavily, confused by the reasons for her coming death.
The assassins enter the temple.
They spot Darién and the murderess strings her bow again; to fire a second shot.
The knight Lance appears from behind the pillar.
His sudden appearance causes the poacher to deter and miss the shot.
During her efforts to string another arrow; she is pierced by the knights sharp blade. Her stomach turns red and a puddle of blood fills the temple.
She stares down at her hands, widening her eyes and then collapses to the ground.
The male poacher grabs his axe and does a guttural roar.
With no thought to his own safety; he charges at the knight.
The young boy sees the fight progress on the temple floor.
The fury of the axe against Lance’s trained sword.
The bandit threatens the knight and curses him while he lands dangerous blows towards the knight.
The knight dodges and parries the bandit while mocking his attacker.
Whenever he calls the man ‘a low-life-scum’ he succeeds in baiting the poacher.
The bandit lashes out to strike with ferocity. He only succeeds to inflict a minor wound, and to his regrets it opens up his own defences. Lance smirks as he swings his sharp blade, which manages to grasp his opponents throat.
The axeman stumbles across the nehtorian temple and collapses before Darién.
Darién loosens his bladder and starts to shake of fear, trying to flee from the scene.
Eventually Lance finds the boy again (hidden half a stral away) and convinces him that it’s safe.


(The biggest life changer)

Darién’s family disappears.
Darién ends up all alone at the streets of Voldar.
Darién adapts and survives as a pickpocket, gang-thief, hustler, drug-seller and belonged the notorious crime gang ‘the black dagger’ until its demise .
At the age of 14, he gets curious about his heritage and he finds the courage to explore the roots of his nightmare.
He recognises a man, whose name turns out to be Gerulf Grayscarr.
He infiltrates the man’s home but gets caught.
The terrible truth about what happened is revealed.
Darién gets thrown into a underground fighting-pit.
Where he has to face an old enemy from his worst nightmares.
As it turns out. Darién’s family got murdered by a band of assassins.
Gerulf Grayscarr and his warg compagnion Alva had been among the assassins.
The entire criminal crowd expects Darién to die, when the devious warg is released into the fighting pit. Darién is just an appetizer for a bigger show.
As Darién recognises the warg ava from his nightmares, the final pieces of his suppressed memories return. He sees how every single member of his family is brutally tortured, raped and murdered.
He remembers how they made him watch. When his family was all dead, it was Gerulf Grayscarr who told Darién to run. Darién ran and thought they might have spared his life. Little did he know that Gerulf would sent his compagnion Ava loose to hunt him.
A 6 year old boy was no match for a fully grown Warg.
When the warg caught up to the boy it tore apart his flesh.
There was a big storm going on and it was by accident or by fate that the lightning struck next to them.
The Warg released the boy as it was startled, allowing Darién to jump in the river.

Now the same demon stood before him again.
A monstrous Warg, with cold and deadly intelligent eyes.
A beast bred for battle, a champion in the underground animal fighting.
The crowd started to place bets.
Humiliation and fears make Darién feel weak.
He’s 14 year old, a hardened thief and a fighter, but it was known that whole groups of adult warriors succumbed to these monstrous beasts.
The Warg growls. It’s been nearly 8 years they last met. A glow in the creature’s eyes seemed to indicate it still remember their last meeting. Or maybe it just smelled a weak, helpless and scared prey.
As memories of the past continue to rush his mind, as his life flashes before him, the final barriers to resisting it finally crumble.
Darién could remember everything of the horror that had happened that night.
He finally lets the fear in.
The warg closes in and prepares to make a leap while drool foams down it’s sharp teeth.
Darién feels the pain, injustice and evil festering in his soul.
All the darkness melts into one whole.
A shadow or dark power manifests in his mind.
He transcends from himself.
He hears himself scream.
He throws everything out.
He screamed so loud that the crowd shuddered.
So much anguish and pain that the warg lowered its ears.
And then….

Blind rage.
The sort of rage only nature could produce.
Like a thunderstorm so dark.
A wave of unmatched primitive rage.
Like a whirlwind inside of him.
His screams turn into a primitive animalistic roar.
Like a dragon, his roar echoed through the arena.
….. Then it was quiet. Quiet like a mouse. The crowd did not breathe.
Darién’s eyes shot fire. His facial features were twisted of rage.
He looked the warg in the eyes.
And with an almost non-human battle cry he charged it.
The last thing Darién heard was a gasp of astonishment from the crowd.
8 years of suppressed primal rage consumed him.
His essence became a pure dark emotional rage.
It was then that the last grains of conscience disappeared.
Everything turned dark.

« Last Edit: December 20, 2014, 10:14:03 AM by Darién » Logged
New Santharian

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Posts: 32

« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2014, 04:05:46 AM »

On a side note:
Some of you guys might know me as Darién Gulath...
I've played several stories and even moderated one.

I was a big fan of the site (and i still am)...
But i was somewhat discouraged at the time by trying to submit these 'over the top' ideas that i could not get approved.
During that time i was distracted by other activities (you know... life)...

But i never lost my passion for writing stories.

Tough instead of being this chaotic poster that submits thousands of random ideas,
I've instead tried perfecting my story telling abilities using various techniques from various writing sources.
Are any of you guys familiar with holly lisle's mindmaps?
Do you know christof vogler's hero journey?
Do you know victoria schmidt's story structure architect?
Does any of you know about writing archetypes?

I've come a long way in creating something of quality and i think, it's time to put it to test once again.
I don't know about activity on the site... I guess the times are changing... It seems a lot more quieter here since i left the boards. (which is like.... 8 years ago?)
Kareesh Valendar
Hatred's Fury
Story Mod
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2220

Elf, Arthyron

« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2014, 07:08:18 AM »

Welcome back! Always glad to see an old face. :)

As to your character, it seems to be a great start for a history. However, before I would give any judgments based on it, I would like to see more of the CD to make a better judgement. For example, his tribe and race may be a huge factor as if any of the stuff in his history would be able to take place. Also, his personality is also a huge thing story mods look at when looking at players.

So, my advice would be go ahead and work on this character. He does seem to have a good background, but, again, I would love to see more of the CD posted. I would also like to see spaces between the paragraphs. As it is right now, it's a bit difficult to read.  Also, don't forget to post the correct title (Character Name/Tribe/Occupation). I'm going to change your posticon to the pencil, just to show others that this is still a work in progress. :)

New Santharian

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Posts: 32

« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2014, 07:23:20 AM »

I know the drill.
(might be a bit rusty in the process).

It's good to be back.
Is that one of Twen's alt chars?
I'm not sure...
 Roll Eyes
Kareesh Valendar
Hatred's Fury
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Elf, Arthyron

« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2014, 07:24:07 AM »

Nope. Kareesh is Kareesh. This is my main account, though I have a few alts hanging around at the moment.

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« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2014, 07:33:45 AM »

Well i do recognize your name and avatar.
That has to mean something... LOL cool
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« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2014, 11:04:44 AM »

Second Revision is done.
(the second revision of chapter 0)

Darién is supposed to follow the thief-archetype and rise above it.
The actual adventures and deaths still have to be added to shape his personality.

Darién starts as a innocent, but will suffer a certain moral degradation.

He will exhibit dark heroism.  cool
In the sense that you need villains to fight more dangerous villains.
Darién's alignment often conflicts with the party he's in, making him a wild card for whatever story direction he's in.  evil
He's a mother-conflict. Meaning that his unoffical role will be to stimulate, worsen or even create conflict. He's a corrupter and strategic adversary. Tough he's got no henchmen or followers, he will often be given them by whatever criminal guild that seeks his services.  evil

Hmmm That's the direction i'm going for.

Anyway now that i'm busy with Darién's resurrection it's gotten me all excited.
Haha grin
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« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2014, 05:55:13 AM »

Update 3
-Made changes to the history section.
(minor edits for a better read)

-added a personality profile.
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« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2014, 07:38:08 AM »


I added the Climax of what's supposed to be his biggest life changer.

I might add a chapter in between the Lance part to clarify some things.
-Lance's role in Darién life.
-The impact of several villains, friends and change on how he got some of his skills and traits.
-The Shadow's and main antagonists that pestered Darién trough his life.
-(murdoc crow "the iceman": A crusader of the streets, the bane of all thieves.)
-(Querog a half-orc growing up among the thiefes; a bully and arch nemesis of Darién)

After his 14th year Darién becomes a dark hero, taking vengeance on the assassins one by one.

Ideas for the future:
Act 1: -thieving adventures and a true taste of the darkest depths of the underground.
-Gangs -Rogues -drugs -whores -poison -Rogue magicians -Survival -big scores -Dirty fighting
He becomes something that mirrors a basic DND Rogue

-Act 2 will play in the woods
Ideas for the future:
He adapts to something that mirrors a basic DND ranger
The story cycles back to Gularian estate.
Meanwhile he deals with the assassins of his past.

-Act 3 Reconnection with the underworld
Darién is a changed person.
With no longer any driving force he seeks new meaning to his life.
He takes his first job as a assassin.
He gets mixed up in a gang-war (which i'm going to foreshadow in ACT 1)
Darién's final mayor life change happens.

Act 4: New adventures await at the RPG BOARD
A dark hero joins the party
« Last Edit: December 19, 2014, 08:17:44 AM by Darién » Logged
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« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2014, 08:09:16 AM »


Strengths and weaknesses added

-spotted some typo's and will fix them later.
-might combine the "positive traits and negative traits into one"

Unless it's more useful this way.
I guess it works... for now...

this is turning out to become quite an ambitious project.
I hope i get everything "right" on the first try.
Otherwise this might become a long and tiresome process....
I will try my best for you guys.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2014, 09:10:00 AM by Darién » Logged
Roy Tmofl
The Mage of Flaming Light
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Human, Centoraurian.

« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2014, 04:46:19 AM »

Hello Darien, I would just like to say that as per your request I shall be taking a look at this quite soon. :)
« Last Edit: December 21, 2014, 07:16:11 AM by Roy Tmofl » Logged

Stupidity is also a gift from God, but one musn't misuse it.

Pope John Paul II

Magic and personal information.
History and equipment.
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« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2014, 07:27:57 AM »

thank you....

Left to do:
-overview section:
(1. add how others see him, 2. add how he sees himself, 3. a quick summary of his physical appearance)

-Physical appearance section

-Belongings and familiars (they all get a back-story):
They are all relative; depending on the situation.
1. Le'aani (traumatized ex-prostitute, saved by Darién)  2. his heavy crossbow 3. His viper-concoctions (might serve as poisons as well in high doses)  4. his dagger 5. his sword 6. Gularian estate (he's the heir and owner)
He might have the ability to call forth allies (depending on where he is)
He might have attracted unwanted enemies (specific enemies that survived his history and still hunt him).

act 0 (= finished 100%) might still get revisions.
(might revise the fight scene or remove it entirely; i was just playing around when i wrote it.
but it's not that important for the overall plot. (it's too much text)
(-it only serves to convey mood and give Lance a level of bad-ass. I think i can do it better.)

Act 1  (only the climax is 50% done)
Act 2 ( + climax) needs to be done completely
Act 3 (+ climax) needs to be done completely

Might include a list of characters descriptions.
But i think it's better to try and weave them trough the plot.
Most of them will only serve as 'memories', because 90% of all the people Darién knew will be dead by the end of the story. I will do some serious bottle necking.

About the writing:
My Goal for this history is to tell a good dark-fantasy story.
I strive towards: including as much story as i can, but at the same keep it short and powerful.
I intend to make more characters in the future.
But never again as big as this one. hahaha

You know that character you like so much.
You want him to be envisioned just perfect.
When you write him. And you look back. And think.... Something's missing.... Or i forgot to incorporate that idea and this idea....
My previous CD was like so good. But only in my mind.
Others might just have seen him as a "power- player"; i realize now...
But true strength and story-telling comes from invoking emotion and grabbing the reader.

But I'm just musing some of my thoughts....
 Roll Eyes grin
Roy Tmofl
The Mage of Flaming Light
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« Reply #12 on: December 24, 2014, 12:50:41 PM »

Hmm so I have taken a look at what you have so far and my first recommendation is this.

You should format your writings to follow the CD outline we already have prepared for the site.

Here is a quick version for you to use so you can just copy and paste it.











Physical description






Now, I will also say that after you have if you so wish (and I do recommend) transfer your information into this format; you should also definitely finish up what you have left of your character. If I see anything that won't work at all I will make sure to point it out to you but until such a time as that, just keep on working on this guy and I hope to see you in a story soon. :)

Stupidity is also a gift from God, but one musn't misuse it.

Pope John Paul II

Magic and personal information.
History and equipment.
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« Reply #13 on: December 25, 2014, 01:28:24 AM »

I will restructure it.

I thought it could be easier if i put the positive and negative traits next to each other.
For a good overview.
But it doesn't work as well as i hoped.
I will change it.


I'm hoping to submit ACT 1 soon.

I'm trying to overcome some layering problems.
if the obstacle is overcome;
I will have to rewrite the entire story.
I will have to add a little more flavor to the reading.
And rewrite it again in english.

then i will hopefully be able to apply a similar structure for act 2

Thanks for reading this guy.

I'll give a notification or give a yell, when i need one of you story mods to take a look.
Roy Tmofl
The Mage of Flaming Light
CD Mod
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Posts: 475

Human, Centoraurian.

« Reply #14 on: December 25, 2014, 12:54:02 PM »

So wait is this a story or a CD then? My apologize for not knowing I thought that it was just a CD. In the case that it's a CD then any mod can look over it. Doesn't need to be a story mod. If it is a story I think a mod will have to approve of it and then someone would be appointed story moderator over it.

Stupidity is also a gift from God, but one musn't misuse it.

Pope John Paul II

Magic and personal information.
History and equipment.
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