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Author Topic: The Black Rose/Thief Princess/Rosalynn CD  (Read 6143 times)
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Rosalynn
Thief Princess
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Human, Kassite/Korweynite


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« on: May 25, 2015, 11:30:16 AM »

Name: Rosalynn
Nickname: Rose
Alias: The Black Rose

Gender: Female

Age: 15

Race: Human

Tribe: Kassite and Korweynite heritage. (father was kassite, mother was korweynite)

Occupation: Thief

Title: Thief Princess

Hight: 162 nailsbreath

Weight: 9 heb

Hair: long nor’sidian hair that drapes below my shoulders, the many curls are soft to the touch.

Eyes:  light cerubell eyes. They seem to sparkle when I smile.

Physical Appearance:   I am of a fair skin, and an athletic but petite build.  I am about 162 nailsbreadth tall and weigh 9 heb. I have seen my name day 15 times though I look at least 20 . I have beautiful long nor’sidian hair that drapes below my shoulders, the many curls are soft to the touch. I possess the curves of a mature woman and  light cerubell eyes.  My smile has gotten me out of trouble more than a few times. I hide my cursed arm with either gauntlet or glove, the blackened flesh is not burned, or rotted, however the appearance is quite unsettling onlookers. I tend to dress in finery and jewels when ever possible however the occasion rarely demands it, no matter how much I wish it to be so.

Clothing: I normally dress down for the streets or travel, this often involves the Karikrimson leather armor my master had specially crafted and fitted  for me. He also gave me a single leather gauntlet of the same color, but patched on the gauntlet there is a beautiful black rose in bloom. I also have obtained some jewelry in my misadventures. Silver earnings,  and several ornamental rings that are always worn on my left hand. I also have a strange hairpiece on a silver chain with a gem stone the same color as my eyes that I hang in my hair so that the gem stone rests on the center of my brow. That last item I had when I was taken from my home...

Personality: I am naturally adventurous and seek thrills I can only dream of. My master taught me the ways of a lady, and I have learned a few tricks of my own from observing woman and men on the local streets.  I am truthful and I believe honorable as well. However I would not call myself honest. I will mislead someone if it is in my best interests to do so. I like attention and may sometimes go overboard to get it. I am curious, but have learned to be careful. When nervous I will fidget with my right arm's glove or gauntlet because of what they hide beneath. I also add unnecessary flare to stunts and feats I sometimes perform, sometimes in dire circumstances. I have bravado and pride, either will most likely lead me to an early grave.

Overview: Unbeknownst to the famous Black Rose, she was born of a noble house. Her grace and beauty aid in her daring thievery. She steals for sport and is an honorable soul. Few actually  know the face of The Black Rose, but the name itself is known by many.

History of The Black Rose
    There was a night 10 years past, when I was very young, I was taken from my parents. I do not remember their faces, but was awakened from my sleep with my mother's cries. I was hurried outside and thrown on a mounted man’s lap, his horse dark nor’sidian like a shadow. The smell of smoke was in the air and so were the cries of battle. I had no choice but to lay on my belly as the earth raced past the thundering hooves of the man’s horse. He was silent and except for my weeping so was I. We traveled that night, and by early morning the horse was dead. Run to death I now suspect. I was just a terrified child who needed to sleep, and so the man carried me in his arms and I slept.

   I woke later that same day to find myself under a bridge covered in the man’s fur cloak. The man lay nearby his throat cut, and his body void of clothing, armor or anything of value. Perhaps whoever had done this horrible deed had not seen me sleeping? I was alone in the world, and so found my own way. I lived as an orphan and eventually found my way to the grand city of Kormendale.

   I flourished within Kormendale. I had a natural talent for survival it seemed. I had begun to steal food. Only what I needed, I did not need much. I soon found that I was now challenging myself. I began to boast of my thievery to the other children on the streets. Soon I found them daring me, dares I found I could not refuse due to my own pride. I never stole anything for wealth or power. I was happy living this life. I accepted dares of all kinds, and continued to succeed in this petty thievery.

     One night I witnessed a lone man garbed in dark leathers crawl through a locked window of a large building. I had watched him open it, He was an actual thief! I was excited, but once he was inside I could not see. So I quickly climbed up and through the very same window. I was being careful not to alarm my fellow thief. Once inside I quickly realized this must be some sort of temple. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and quietly followed. The thief entered a large chamber with a strange statue of a woman. In the statue’s hand rested a large green gemstone. I saw how the thief looked at the priceless treasure. He knelt down to grab something from his pack and I took the opportunity to swipe the gemstone first. While he was looking away I silently wedged myself between the wall and statue and shimmied my way to the top, leaped to a stone alcove, walked carefully across the narrow structure, then dropped down on top of the statue and crawled down and across the arms to the prize held by the statue’s hands. My arms were fully extended, I was barely able to hold on. I took one last look at the thief below me. I was about 20ft up from the floor. He had spotted me and had a shocked look upon his face. He started to shake his head no. I reached and grabbed, I had beaten an actual thief at his own game. Pain I felt shocking pain coming from the now glowing gemstone. It’s color had now darkened to deep xazure blue, The gem was now making a quiet hissing sound and xazure smoke was billowing up into the air. I let go as fast as I could. The pain was so intense, I lost my balance and fell tumbling through the air. My body hit the stone ground hard, I loss my breath, my vision was a blur, all I could feel was the pain from my arm. I screamed, and screamed. I could now hear armed guards descending stairwells.  Shouts, orders being given. I was lifted up off the ground by the thief, an old man.

     “Foolish child, what have you gotten us into?" he had hissed.

      As the man carried me, I looked up at his concerned face and back to my now grotesque nor’sidian arm and fell asleep. It had felt as if it had been burned away to my elbow. It was three days latter when I awoke that the elderly thief explained that this particularly religious relic was protected by powerful magic that had now stolen a piece of my cár'áll and would have killed me if I had not loss contact with the relic during the fall. My arm has been discolored and has had a lifeless appearance ever since. It wasn't until recently that I discovered that the relic was still slowly draining my cár'áll and when I had no more to be stolen I would then die.

     The old thief had worked most of his life to discover the secret location of this prized relic. Now because of me this man would have to spend even more years. He tended my wounds those three days, and treated my arm the best that he could. It never healed, the color remained the same. The pain was the only thing ever to go away, and even that took time. The man gave me a name to call him by. It was Aldrin. When I told him my name Rosalynn he scoffed and chuckled. He told me that was a name for a lady or princess, not a thief. I told him that people I knew on the streets had taken to calling me Rose. He told me that was a little better but if I was going to be his new apprentice he would have to give me a name for people to remember. I was surprised that he would offer such a thing, I had created a disaster for him and had been a burden ever since.  I must of had a surprised questioning look on my face because he simply told me “You have talent, some known and some hidden. I hope to see them all.”

   The next couple of years went by fast and I blossomed, a rose in full bloom. Aldrin renamed me and the title “The Black Rose”  has become well known throughout Kormendale ever since. I was named for my folly, Aldrin told me to never forget that and it will be my strength.

   When my service as Aldrin’s apprentice was finished he gave me a great gift. Karikrimson leather armor fitted specifically for me. He also gave me a single leather gauntlet of the same color, but patched on this gauntlet  is a black rose. I dress mainly in dark leather and I always wear my gauntlet. If I dress in the clothes of a lady which sometimes happen then I wear long silk gloves. I now must always cover my shame that my pride has caused me.

   Aldrin and I now live apart but sometimes I go and visit him. He is always glad to see me, I’m like a granddaughter to him. I love looking at his trophies. It seems Aldrin never stole anything for wealth ever. He was a trophy hunter. The harder the theft was to commit the more he wanted to do it. That is who I wanted to be too. I view the world as a wonderful place full of danger, but without risks there is not much to live for.

     As I have mentioned I recently discovered that the relic will continue to steal my cár'áll and that I will eventually die. Aldrin has discovered that the relic has now been moved to Sarvonia, another continent. He has told me there are no cures for my infliction here. We believe I will need help, perhaps even the relic that cursed me. Aldrin is to old to make this journey, if I want to live I have no choice. Aldrin secured passage for me on a ship to cross the sea.  He bid me farewell, and I shed tears for I may not see Aldrin again. My journey will take years and require aid, and I had no idea how much of either I had left now, or would need in the future.

Rosalynn’s Unknown History: Her parents are Lord Toman Carvyn and Lady Kaida Carvyn, of Kassite. Lord Toman is dead, killed the night his daughter was saved. The Carvyn house has fallen with the deceased lord but Lady Kaida still lives and is Korweynite. Rosalynn has two clues as to who she is. One is her name, the other is the pendant she now wears in her hair.

Strengths:

-Agile Climber: She is good at climbing. As a child living on the crowded streets the ability to climb was a quicker way to navigate the city, and escape to safety if a theft went awry.

-Balanced: Natural aptitude for balance, and she has used it with her climbing throughout her childhood. It was later honed more with her master during rigorous training exercises.

-Acrobatic:  This skill was developed through rigorous training with her master and her own personal desire to push her body beyond ordinary limits.

-Aerobatic: is her natural aerial movement through the air while she is jumping or falling. These movements through the air have been honed from her own enjoyment, and have always been graceful and precise. She adds unneeded flare to these movements as if falling and jumping were a beautiful dance that only she knows.

-Thievery: This talent encompasses minor skills such as sleights of hand and opening locks which was a matter of personal survival as a child and has been greatly increased by her master's training and challenges.

-Stealth: She is also good at moving quietly and unseen, possessing a great deal of guile that has saved her life numerous times as a child and has become a notable skill in her arsenal sense her master's training.

- Grace: She has a strong connection with her body and the physical world around her, this aids her in having very precise and nimble movements. This is a talent she was born with, and something that has never needed improved. At times this grace can seem unnatural to others.

Weaknesses:

-Pride: She would say she has no weakness, but knows better. She is to sure of herself and far to willing to prove herself to others.

-Compulsive: She is too quick to act and doesn’t always think things through, this is most likely due to her knowledge that her life has been shortened and she may die.

-Honor: She will mislead you in conversation but will never speak a lie, she is to proud of her own honor and believes she is beyond such a petty thing as telling a lie.

-Restless: She has frequent periods of restless sleep, where she is haunted by past memories of the relic, of being taken as a child, of parents she does not remember. Her life on the streets of the city were hard and sleep was never easy when you knew the dangers that always lurked nearby. She felt safe with Aldrin nearby but now with her departure the restless nights will haunt her once more.

-Memorable: Her beauty and grace make her memorable to most, being memorable is not a wonderful trait for a thief.

-Soul Bound: Some of her cár'áll has been stolen and she is linked to a religious relic. It will continue to steal small parts of her cár'áll until she dies or discovers a way to find the hidden relic and sever her connection with it.
   
Weapons: A set pair of finely crafted daggers, stolen from a lord's manor in Kormendale. The blades are etched with flames and on the hilts of both daggers rests a dragon in flight. The daggers are meant for a man's hands, not a woman's so are found to be awkward at times.

Belongings: A single karikrimson leather gauntlet with a beautiful dark rose in bloom.  A strange hairpiece or pendant on a silver chain with a gem stone the same color as Rosalynn's eyes. She hangs it in her hair so that the gem stone rests on the center of her brow. She has had this pendant since she was a child, before she was taken from her home.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2015, 11:32:19 AM by Fox » Logged


The Black Rose/Thief Princess/Rosalynn
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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Human, Remusian


« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2015, 01:03:45 PM »

Hi Rosalynn.  Welcome.

A few general comments before you get too far along.

POV.  You switch back and forth between first person narrative (I saw, I did, etc) and third person (she saw, she did, etc).  I think what you are trying to do, is have Rosalynn tell her story from her side, but to do that, it would be more helpful to the reader to provide some context.  Perhaps putting it in the form of a journal, with dates, perhaps?

Spacing.  Please place an empty line space between each paragraph in your CD.  It becomes what we refer to as a wall of text, and is harder to read.

Structure.  Please use the CD Template for setting up your CD.  We like all of the CDs to follow the same structure, so that it is easier for story Mods, and CD Mods to find information quickly while browsing the CD.  
« Last Edit: May 26, 2015, 01:04:15 PM by Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin » Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Rosalynn
Thief Princess
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Human, Kassite/Korweynite


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« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2015, 12:11:16 PM »

I hope this is better, perhaps my enthusiasm got the best of me. I should have read more on proper CD's. I did not realize there was a specific template or form to follow. My apologies.  I hope this is easier for everyone's eyes as well, especially the Mods. I think I have fixed some of the POV/narrator problems. I would have added dates, but did not know if the world had different months, dates, days of the week, or prefix or suffix's on the years. I assume that the years do?

Everything below Rosalynn's history is narrative I believe. As it is information she either does not know, or something she would not say or admit. The overview is also narrative and I tried to keep it short and sweet. If you would really like me to push to make it less narrative I am willing, I just need a little more time is all.

I hope I am doing an alright job for my first CD.  I have made characters in different types of games, and this is quite different. The history is something not required by many other games that I have played but that I have always done myself anyways, so there is some familiarity even if I lack the proper form at the moment.

Please let me know what you think, and I will make changes as needed. Thank you all.
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The Black Rose/Thief Princess/Rosalynn
Geirnils Kreiskin
The Thieves' Messiah
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« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2015, 12:29:16 PM »

Hmm, so since her arm isn't burned or decayed, what is it? It sounds like you're inventing new magic here. Of course, it was probably clerical magic, given that it was a religious artifact, but that doesn't mean that such a condition could exist.

Oh, and just by the way, I'm not a magic expert, I could very easily be 100% wrong about this Sorry!
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Geirnils' CD

"Those who are with me have already heard my words, and those who aren't don't deserve them."- Geirnils
Rosalynn
Thief Princess
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Human, Kassite/Korweynite


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« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2015, 07:41:57 PM »

I was thinking the condition of my arm was more of a curse than anything. Who's to say what effects may happen to me if I am ever near the source of this affliction again? I admit I have not read through the magic system yet, but if the source of my arm's affliction is a problem I can alter the story.
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The Black Rose/Thief Princess/Rosalynn
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2015, 12:01:10 AM »

Hi Rosalynn;

Here is a little more in depth review of your CD.  Comments are in mikado.  Edits are in Fulvous.

Quote
I hide my cursed arm with either gauntlet or glove, the blackened flesh is not burned, or rotted, however the appearance is quite unsettling to me an onlookers.
Something in this does not sound right at the end.  Unsettling to onlookers?

Quote
I am truthful and I believe honorable as well. However I would not call my self honest.
myself

Quote
Shouts, orders being given. I was lifted up off the ground by the thief, and old man.
an old man.

Quote
“Foolish child, what have you gotten us into? he had hissed”
 “Foolish child, what have you gotten us into?" he had hissed.

Quote
If I dress in the clothes of a lady which sometimes happen than I wear long silk gloves.
 then I wear long silk gloves

Quote
Aldrin and me now live apart but sometimes I go and visit him
 Aldrin and I now

Quote
The Carvyn house has fell with the deceased lord
 The Carvyn house has fallen

Strengths: Must be presented in point form, with a one or two sentence explanation of each

Quote
She has always been nimble, perhaps it was something she was born with or perhaps these are traits she developed living on the streets as a child or honed later with her master.
 Take out the perhapses and make it a more definitive statement.  She has always been nimble, something that she was born with naturally, developed while living on the streets as a child and later honed by her master.

Weaknesses:  Same format as Strengths

Quote
She has had this pendant sense she was a child, before she was taken from her home.
 pendant since she was a child

A couple of comments. 

First, the noble birth.  We restrict this to a certain degree because we don't want someone to pull out the "I'm from a powerful family so I can do such and such".  You do not know your birthright, and being from Nybelmar, it won't have influence even if you did.  Therefore, I'm ok with it as is, just as long as you know you cannot change this in the future.  In a story you cannot suddenly learn your heritage and gain influence, power or riches because of it.

Second, and what some may have the most issue with.  The arm and the magic that created it.  I am more easy going than most as long as it is written in such as way as to not influence future scenarios.  What I mean is will that magic repeat itself, like someone with a magic charm, weapon or armour would?  In this case, I do not think so.  You have not imbued your arm with any power, nor will you be allowed to.

What might cause issue is that some purists might want you to use an existing spell or design a spell that fits within our magic system.  I'm no magic expert and express no interest in our magic system, so I know nothing about what is or is not available for use, or what may be created.  Others far more knowledgeable in our magic system will have to address this.

Perhaps changing magic to poison would work?  I'm not sure.  As well, other than a blackened limb, is there any other disability to it?  Why simply blackened?  I would think some damage to soft tissue might be warranted.  But, that is only a suggestion.  Your choice.

Third, and an important one.  As stated in other posts, our stories take place in Sarvonia, a separate continent from Nybelmar.  You History section ends too soon if you wish to play in the current stories.  You don't have to create a History that brings you to the specific location of a story, but it does have to explain why and how you came to Sarvonia.

Fourth.  POV.  Just to make clear, you will need to write in the POV created by the Story Mods.  As of right now, there are no First Person stories.  The last was the great Thalambath's Heart, which is currently in hiatus.  You will be expected to write in Third Person with the stories currently active.

Lastly, I really enjoyed your clothing section.  I liked the little touches you put in.  Looking forward to you getting approval and joining one of the stories. 
  :D
« Last Edit: June 01, 2015, 12:06:03 AM by Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin » Logged

Favorite Cartoon Quotes
"It was a dark and stormy night."  - Snoopy
"Ack!" - Bill the Cat
"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinski." - President Bill Clinton

My Character can be viewed @Angelina Jolie's house.  But knock first, in case I'm in my underwear.
Fox
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« Reply #6 on: July 13, 2015, 02:25:12 PM »

The CD looks good to me. :) The only thing I might consider changing is the character's first person references to her cár'áll being stolen away. Cár'áll is more of a technical term, mostly used by mages and scholars. The character lived on the streets and isn't trained in magic, so it's perfectly fine to have her just call it her soul or spirit.
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Rosalynn
Thief Princess
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« Reply #7 on: July 13, 2015, 07:23:17 PM »

Ok that sounds easy enough to fix.
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The Black Rose/Thief Princess/Rosalynn
Ylaya
Temptress
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Elf, Coór'hém


« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2015, 11:07:24 PM »

Sounds good to me!  cool
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Fox
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« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2015, 02:29:03 PM »

Approved and titled. I can't change the icon since I think Altario forgot to flip the required switch, but he can handle the rest. :)
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