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Author Topic: The Jhomcholan Diver  (Read 7479 times)
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Drasil Razorfang
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« on: 16 September 2006, 06:35:08 »

Talia's corrections



Basic Overview:

 The Jhomcholan Diver, nicknamed the Cholian Waterdog by outsiders, is highly social, water loving canine known for both its diving and hunting skills.  It is most commonly found in Aeruillin.  The dog’s high intelligence and fun-loving demeanor make it optimal as a house pet for any society even if it is far from its beloved oceans.

Appearance:

The canine is approximately two fores high and still reaches, from the tip of its wet black nose to the end its Korwyn Gold tail, at about one ped, three fores.

Head: The canine’s head forms a distinct triangular shape, a  common feature among many other dogs.  At the tip is seated a wet, warm nose.  Buried deep within, past the clear flaps of skin that block the entrances while the animal is under water, is some a device that provides the beast with a keen sense of smell that allows them to far exceed that of most other animals.  This uncanny sense allows the beat to track other animals by smell, even under water, though the sense is greatly reduced because of both the consistency and the small flaps of skin that cover the dog’s nose underwater.

The Cholian Waterdog's pointed snout is covered, with rough, short hair and joins it's nose to the main portion of the face.  Centered atop this projection in a small concave is a pair of beady black eyes, surrounded in a forest of fur.  Upon close inspection, one will find that, the eyeball is flesh with the animal’s face, unlike a human, whose eyes are generally considered to be a ball.

Above the eyes, two long, floppy ears dangle down to meet the neck with their round tips.  It is not rare to often see these ears slightly raised, signifying that the Jhomcholan Retriever is listening for signs of prey.  Rapid movement, using small muscles found resting at the base of the ear, allow the canine to hone onto sounds in all directions with out moving his body.  When relaxed, these ears will be casually pressed against the Cholian Waterdog’s head.  Deep within the ear, small mechanisms gather sound at a rate that easily doubles that of a human with more range as well.

Branching off from the dog’s head is a concrete neck which connects the head to the elegant body.  Small, coarse hairs are littered across this expanse.  Apart from providing warmth, this fluff also portrays the emotions of the dog.  Normally, they are plastered along the canine’s neck, however they stand up on end when the animal is at attention, a very visible change despite their petite size.

Body:   Waves of shiny fur ripples down the back of the beast, forming a protective layer against the water.  This consists of two layers, a coarse, oily water proof outer layer and a light, fluffy inner layer.  This combination is specially adapted for maximum efficiency while swimming.  While the shiny hairs on the exterior of the mammal repel water, keeping the dog dry even when submerged, the poofy inner layer provides warmth during the frigid winter or the in the dark depths of the sea.  Knotted muscles, particularly around the legs, are visible, contracting and relaxing to provide an undulating motion as the beast runs, or propelling it forward while coasting through the water.  Each of its front legs are equipped with semi-webbed paws, containing coarse patches of exposed black skin, known as pads, to provide protection for the feet when running.  The lower legs, unlike most other members of this family, are raised slightly over the shoulder line at the hip, to provide for easier swimming while paddling along the surface, completely webbed, and contain a ball and socket joint, allowing for the animal to rotate them in almost any direction, allowing for multiple styles of swimming.   Sharp claws deck the paws on these back legs, optimal for shredding prey apart, or grasping it firmly while if surfaces along with complete webbings.

The tail is approximately two fores in length and acts as a rudder while under water, steering the dog in many directions and allowing for complicated underwater maneuvers.  Above water, it is used primarily to display emotions to the owner.  For example, when the tail is drooped in between the legs, the animal is either sad or ashamed, however if it is wagging freely from side to side, it is displaying happiness or joy.
 
Special Abilities:

Endurance- This ability features prominently in the animal’s success in the water.  Long years of swimming and running over great distances have provided the dog with not only the ability or exert itself for extended periods of time, but to make repetitive dives with little rest.

Smell- The Cholian Waterdog’s sense of smell is so acute that it is able to trail fish underwater using solely scent, far surpassing any feat that can be accomplished, even by a Cholian.  Also, to make this ability more useful, a small, flap of skin encloses the nostrils of the beast while it dives underwater.  This flap of skin miraculously regulates what enters and exits the nose.  This ability is utilized, primarily in hunting, both in the wild and while tamed is extorted to its fullest potentials by the Cholian people.  While, as a tribe, they still favor the Sparth Spear to hunt the coveted Jakecha, the Jhomcholan Diver’s acute sense of smell makes it the most favored way to retrieve sinking carcasses and to hunt under the surface.

Webbing- A thin layer of skin connects the “toes” of the beast.  This webbing, exposed when the animal flares it’s toes to swim, catches substantially more water, propelling it forward at a much faster speed and while conserving more energy.


Territory:

While spread thinly throughout the world, the highest concentrations of these mammals are in the Cholian city of Jhomchalas, and in aquatic locations scattered around the town.  This animal, though most prominently used by fishermen, such as the Cholians, can be found in a variety of life styles and climates, both in an out of the water.
   
Habitat/Behavior:

Generally these animals are considered to be very social, however, based upon its living conditions, such behavior may greatly vary.  It is proven that dogs subject to hostility from its owner, starvation, or physical abuse will cause the Cholian Waterdog to become less hospitable and friendly.  Under these circumstances, it is not uncommon for the dog to attack a human or other being, though they would not usually do so.  Because of its social nature, it coincides well with humanoids, learning to thrive with them and creating a strong bond between the two, and the animal is often reported to have gone to great lengths to prevent harm from coming to him or her and serves them obediently, a skill which is quite useful for the Cholian fishermen.  Its happy disposition makes it optimal as a family pet, for the breed is very loving and makes a wonderful companion to all.

It is known to live the saying “No pain, No gain” to its fullest potential, often ignoring injuries and physical pain.  This trait makes it optimal around small children, often withstanding roughhousing while at home and when it is overwhelmed; it simply backs away instead of snapping or clawing or may attempt to correct the mistake on its own.

The Cholian Waterdog recognizes a single person or family unit as its master or, in some cases, due to dominance issues, its pack.  Any person or thing it encounters, ranges on a scale below this in the animal’s favoritism based on interactions between the two.  Set above all, if it gets its way, is the dog itself.  This dominance complex is found in almost all of the beasts unless corrected at birth or as a puppy through training.  To prevent the animal from feeling as though it owns the family unit, it is highly suggested that the true master train the animal and constantly reinforce its training by practicing more common commands. 

Most of these retrievers are known to become quite vocal when they are excited or happy, often leading to a noisy hunt, or obnoxiously waking up owners in the night (an event that has caused many to lock their animal out of the house while they rest.)  These noises of mirth are often mistaken by those unfamiliar with the animal as a growl or a bark and are not intended to be a warning or to display anger.  In addition, some dogs will “smile” bearing its teeth into a peculiar grin in a seemingly threatening manner, while in reality they are simply displaying contentment.

Yet, despite the joys of the family unit, nothing will ever compare to the ecstasy brought by aquatic locations and the thrill of the hunt.  Whenever possible, the Jhomcholan Diver will attempt to immerse itself in liquid, diving in and out in graceful motions if the depth permits, using its heightened senses of smell and hearing to locate possible prey.  The canine will rarely kill another animal for amusement, unless ordered to do so or in hunger, instead it enjoys the process leading up to the attack, the stalking and the chase. 

Diet:

Often classified as an omnivore, this adorable pooch eats a plethora of foods ranging from fresh meat or fish to the gnarled Multiweed to the egg of a Copperhead.  In the wild, the animal’s diet consists mainly of vegetation with sparse amounts of meat scattered throughout as it is more difficult to catch.  Seeing as the best parts of the fish are usually kept for its owners, the dog has no qualms about eating what humans would consider to be scraps.  It is a great reward for the animal to receive part of the more tasty flesh.

However, if housed by a Cholian family, the canine will eat primarily the flesh of the Jakecha fish, a coveted aquatic animal hunted by the tribe, though other foods will be needed to sustain it do to the fish's inability to fill a stomach.  As the dogs get older, this diet will become more evident, separating the animal from its less fortunate cousins, as they grow paler, like their masters, and eventually come to look like a dog-like version of the tribe that nurtures them.

Mating:

After reaching the age of six months, the animal reaches sexual maturity.  While the female will most likely begin mating right away, males will have to wait at least two or three more mating seasons before he is able to compete with the stronger animals for a mate.

The mating ritual beings when the female’s body begins a process during which it excretes a particular scent, recognizable only to males, saying that she is fertile.  This scent is often emitted two or three times a year, depending upon the individual.  Within an hour after it is secreted, male dogs from all over the area flock to the female.  Fighting other dogs and performing feats of strength and agility are the means in which the male attracts attention.  After carefully selecting the most impressive, the female dog will approach him and remain motionless, allowing him to mount her.

From here, the rest of the mating is dependent upon the female.  For some unknown reason, the actual mating process will not begin until the newly formed couple reaches a location they deem safe, usually the water, though sometimes it may be in their home or even in an unfamiliar location.  The female, who is unfortunately below the pair, must awkwardly drag the male dog to the location as he is unable to do so by himself.

 Approximately 9 weeks after fertilization, a litter of 4-12 puppies are born.  Usually, the father will not remain long enough to see the birth of his children, instead moving on to fertilize other animals.

Usages:

Cholians: As its name suggests, this canine is primarily used in the region surrounding the Cholian city of Jhomcholas(by the Bright Sea) as both a hunting dog and a retriever.  Due to its heightened underwater senses and compatibility with humans, significant numbers of the animal migrated over.  In its early years, the dog is taught basic commands by its master, teaching it both dominance and effective group hunting techniques.  At an early age, the animal is brought out to the open ocean with its master where it expected to successfully perform many tasks.  Due to the heavy use of the Sparth Spear, on fair days when the fish are close to the surface, it is rarely used, but on less favorable days, the animals are expected to brave the cold to perform its duty.

Due to the Cholian Waterdog’s dominance problem, it is practically impossible to keep two of the animal in the same household, let alone on the same boat.  This, coupled with the animal’s high reproduction rate has caused a population overflow, providing unwanted puppies to its masters.  For this reason, male dogs are favored, as responsibility for the young is nonexistent for the masters.  Great flocks of female dogs roam the deserted allies of the city or flock to the ocean to provide them with sustenance.  These bitch animals are often considered to be pests and are angrily shooed away for being annoying or, in some drastic cases, beaten to repulse them. 
« Last Edit: 23 October 2006, 04:21:18 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #1 on: 10 October 2006, 03:42:43 »

Ok, let's see what we can comment here:

- First of all: Whenever you update an entry, make sure to post at the end of the thread that people should take a look. Otherwise the thread doesn't move up on top of the Forum, isn't visible in our Recent list and nobody knows that you did anything.

- As you do a beast in Aeruillin territory, it might also be advisable to PM Artemis to take a quick look (even though she might be busy right now), as she made the Cholian tribe etc.

- It is "Mithral Diver", not "Mithril Diver".

- Here's a major problem, which is a general one we have in the Bestiary and the Herbarium:

"Upon close inspection, one will find that, the eyeball is flat, instead of forming a convex lens as seen in a human. " or later "Deep within the ear, small mechanisms gather sound at a rate that easily doubles that of a human with more range as well." or further down you mention words like "cardiovascular" or "semi-permeable membrane "

That all is extremely scientific and could be take directly from a 21st century book. I doubt that people had spoken that way in the middle ages as they would hardly know. In general I can only recommend that the focus should always be to describe a beast in a fantasy world, not to describe a beast as perfect as you can in a very detailed Earthen way, because a medieval society is very limited in knowing all such things. Descriptions are at time so technical that I personally ask myself whether they really fit in a fantasy world bestiary. Medieavale bestiary descriptions are way more graphic, referential (comparing the animal to others) etc.

- A similar problem is that the beasts are described often (here as well) in a way that its relation to Santharia (or Aeruillin in this case) is briefly mentioned and that's it. Especially here where you have a "The Jhomcholan Retriever" there would have been loads of opportunities to integrate this animal into Cholian society: descriptions of how Cholians use these beasts, how they can be found in the streets of Jhomcholas etc. are just missing. I should really get to write down my Erpheronian lizard, so that people can see that we're not in a biology seminar here, but that we're working on a fantasy universe.

- Personally I don't have objections to the content of the entry in general. I don't count myself to those people trying to point out meticulous details that would make more sense from a biological point of view. I try to have beasts integrated in the world we're developing. That's what counts for me.
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #2 on: 10 October 2006, 04:16:42 »

Ok.  I will take out the more biological terms ect. when I get home from school.  I will also try adding a usages section to integrate the referances to the Cholian tribe ect.

edit:  Did all corrections except the usage section that I said i would add. I tried to scatter in some more Cholian references.
« Last Edit: 10 October 2006, 04:51:32 by Drasil Razorfang » Logged
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« Reply #3 on: 10 October 2006, 06:23:03 »

also watch expressions like 'branched off from its ancestor' - which suggest an evolutionary view of the world - certainly not medieval nor Santharian! 

Apart from that 'technical' phrasing throughout, which will require quite a bit of careful rewriting, the beast is great and a much-needed addition to our canines.  I love the details, and if you can 'translate' them to a more antique style, this will be a thorough and interesting entry. Thumbs-up!
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #4 on: 11 October 2006, 09:16:40 »

Ok.  I will go through again.  I believe I already took out the biological terms, but now I shall go for evolutionary.  I attempted to scatter more Aeruillin references in, particularly about the Cholian tribe and I plan I making the usage section completely in Aeruillin context.

@ Judy:  Thank you for your praise.  It means alot coming from such a great beast developer.

Edit:  Awaiting comments. I believe I scattered sufficient amounts of Santharia references throughout, removed most modern terms, and added the promised usage section about thier impact upon the Cholian society and the areas of the Bright Sea and Jhomchalas.
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #5 on: 17 October 2006, 04:02:29 »

colours fixed, hope In got all!


That dog is a great addition to the Cholians(I hope Artemis will like it as well, I‘ll ask her), Drasil, but as already said, you put too much effort into the detailed, scientifically description instead of making it more Santharian. This is still the case, despite your efforts to eliminate it. I know you have put a lot of work into it, I know as well, that I made the same mistake with the rahaz-estar. But that doesn‘t help. If you don‘t cut it down to quite a degree, nobody will read your entry, once it is up.

So I will confront you with a harsh comment now, be prepared - just remind yourself, if you are angry with me, how long it took for me to comment. I wish your entry to be a very good one.




Basic Overview:

Domesticated descendants of the Mithral Wolf, The Jhomcholan Retriever, nicknamed the Cholian Waterdog or the Mithral Diver by outsiders, is highly social, water loving canine known for both its diving and hunting skills.  It is most commonly found in Aeruillin though it has been spread through out Caelereth, the dog’s high intelligence and fun-loving demeanor make it optimal as a house pet for any society even if it is far from its beloved oceans.

This may be a bit a personal preference, but I will argue nevertheless in its favour:
I don‘t think, it is a good thing to spread this dog this far, or even try to trace its ancestor back to the Mithral wolves. That may be, but who will know it, could proof it and is basically interested to do so? Make it a special cholian dog and bind it more into their society, then you will get a much more unique, Caelerethian dog than when trying to extent its territory over the whole world, if some individuals are living elsewhere, who is interested in it? And then, I doubt it. I don‘t think, that we in europe have dogs of Africa etc, think of the distance!

To the name: I don‘t like Mithral diver, as I wouldn‘t trace it back to the wolf (you could give a hint somewhere, but not in the name!), nor would I call it a retriever, for one, because this is a special name for a kind of earthen dog, then for it is no retriever, if you like my proposals. Cholian waterdog, as you have named it anyway down, Jhomcholan Diver , Cholian diver dog, short Cholian Divedog or any abbreviation which sounds ok for your English ears.
The hunting skills in a general sense might be a bit misleading as well, but more later. I will now comment in detail.

I will mark now all passages i think are too scientific worded, not really needed or of interest for a medieval description.


Skip it
Rephrase it

Appearance:

Despite the fact that The Jhomcholan Retriever was domesticated from the Mithral Wolf over 10,000 years ago, traces of their relationship can still be found.  The canine is still approximately two fores high and still reaches, from the tip of its wet black nose to the end its Korwyn Gold tail, at about one ped, three fores.

Let‘s talk about the colour later.

Head: The canine’s head forms a distinct triangular shape, a  common feature among many other dogs. At the apex of this triangle is seated a wet, warm nose.  Buried deep within, past the clear flaps of skin that block the nasal passages while the animal is under water, are millions of tiny glands, providing the dog with a keen sense of smell that allows them to far exceed that of a human. This uncanny sense allows the beat to track other animals by smell, even under water, though the sense is greatly reduced because of both the consistency and the small flaps of skin that cover the dog’s nose underwater.

nasal passages and glands, I doubt that dogs were described this way by a medieval researcher. Phrase it like common people would tell each other what the dog is able to do and then add a little bit sophistication for the researcher.
The glands - has anyone cut a dog open to search for this glands? How big are they, could they really be discovered? Had people in this environment the interest to open a dead dog to look for them?

Another thing - do you have taken into account, that the Cholians have extremely heightened senses, due to their diet? If you want to say, that these dogs smell far better then humans, then refer to other tribes


The Mithral Diver's pointed snout is covered, with rough, short hair and connects it's nose to the main portion of the face. That is an awkward sentence - it connects its nose - does it have a device to take it off? Centred atop this projection in a small concave are a pair of beady black eyes, surrounded in a forest of fur.  Upon close inspection, one will find that, the eyeball is flesh with the animal’s face, unlike a human, whose eyes are generally considered to be a ball. I don‘t understand here, what you mean. Researches have also proved that this canine is unable to perceive objects in color as most other beasts can.
Are this many researches done about this dog, that this is known? Who had the time and interest to find this out? Maybe this came out more accidentally? Take in some "stories"/remarks how the researches were achieved to make it more readable

Above the eyes, two long, floppy ears dangle down to meet the neck with their round tips.  It is not rare to often see these ears slightly raised, signifying that the Jhomcholan Retriever is listening for signs of prey.  Rapid movement, using small muscles found resting at the base of the ear, allow the canine to hone onto sounds in all directions with out moving his body.  When relaxed, these ears will be casually pressed against the Mithral Diver’s head.  Deep within the ear, small mechanisms gather sound at a rate that easily doubles that of a human with more range as well.


Branching off from the dog’s head is a concrete neck which connects the head to the shoulders.  In general, this bridge is usually short and stumpy
. Biology book, how would one Cholian describe it to the next? Small, coarse hairs are littered across this expanse.  Apart from providing warmth, this fluff also portrays the emotions of the dog.  Normally, they are plastered along the canine’s neck, however they stand up on end when the animal is at attention, a very visible change despite their petite size.

Body:   Waves of shiny fur ripples down the back of the beast, forming a protective layer against the water.  This consists of two layers, a coarse, oily water proof outer layer and a light, fluffy inner layer.  This combination is specially adapted for maximum efficiency while swimming.  While the shiny hairs on the exterior of the mammal repel water, keeping the dog dry even when submerged, the pouffy inner layer provides warmth during the frigid winter or the in the dark depths of the sea.  Knotted muscles, particularly around the legs, are visible, contracting and relaxing to provide an undulating motion as the beast runs, or propelling it forward while coasting through the water.  Each of its front legs are equipped with semi-webbed paws, containing coarse patches of exposed black skin, known as pads, to provide protection for the feet when running.  The lower legs, connecting to the animal’s body at the pelvis,Who would have guessed this! which, unlike most other members of this family,you don‘t have necessarily compare it to other dogs, just state it , you can assume, that it is something special when you mention it is raised slightly over the shoulder line to provide for easier swimming while paddling along the surface, a completely webbed, and contain a ball and socket joint, allowing for the animal to rotate them in almost any direction, allowing for multiple styles of swimming. I must say, I lost track of your sentence here. Do I need to search for subject etc like in latin? lol Sharp claws deck the paws on these back legs, optimal for shredding prey apart, or grasping it firmly while if surfaces along with complete webbings.

Extending from the pelvic bone is the retriever’s tail.  Isn‘t this the case with most dogs? You are not describing an unknown animal Approximately two fores in length, this extension acts as a rudder while under water, steering the dog in many directions and allowing for complicated underwater manoeuvres.  Above water, it is used primarily to display emotions to the owner.  For example, when the tail is drooped in between the legs, the animal is either sad or ashamed, however if it is wagging freely from side to side, it is displaying happiness or joy.

I really like the idea of this underwater dog!
 
Special Abilities:

Endurance- This ability, inherited from the Mithral Wolf, see abovefeatures prominently in the animal’s success in the water.  Long years of swimming and running over great distances have provided the dog with not only the ability or exert itself for extended periods of time, but to make repetitive dives with little rest.

Smell- The Cholian Waterdog’s sense of smell is so acute that it is able to trail fish underwater using solely scent.  The animal’s “range’ at which it can pick up various odors almost doubles that of a human as well.  hat is too precise, who has measured this? Just say it is much better than that of a normal humanAlso, to make this ability more useful, a small, flap of skin encloses the nostrils of the beast while it dives underwater.  This flap of skin miraculously regulates what enters and exits the nasal passages.  This ability is utilised to its fullest potentials by the Cholian people. This switch from the dog to the people is  ot good, comes too sudden While, as a tribe, they still favor the Sparth Spear to hunt the coveted Jakecha, the Jhomchalan Retriever’s acute sense of smell makes it the most favoured way to retrieve sinking carcasses and to hunt under the surface.

Now I‘m a bit at a loss - would a freshly killed fish sink to the ground so that the dogs could go and get it? I don‘t think, that it will happen so often, the Cholians are after all well versified with the spear. 

Hearing- Like other canines, the Jhomcholan Retriever has a heightened sense of hearing.  Not only does it able to perceive sounds further away than most animals, it can hear a wider range of noises as well.  It is speculated that this enables the animals to communicate in a series of sounds that are not noticed by the human ear as two of the animals are able to communicate without any noticeable noises.
That sounds again a bit too scientific for my taste. Give some examples and don‘t just state it. How have they found it out? Do the cholians have so much possibilities to detect this, do they care? is it important, why?

Webbing-  A thin layer of skin connects the “toes” of the Mithral Diver.  This webbing, exposed when the animal flares it’s toes to swim, catches substantially more water, propelling it forward at a much faster speed and utilising less energy.


Territory:

While spread thinly throughout the world,  Oh no!  concentrations of these mammals are in the Cholian city of Jhomchalas, port towns stretching the expanse from Sarvonia to Aeruillin and in aquatic locations come on, aquatic location, why don‘t you name them? scattered between the two.  This animal, though most prominently used by fishermen, such as the Cholians, can be found in a variety of life styles and climates, both in an out of the water.
As i said, don‘t make territory too generally, that is boring and takes the exclusiveness away. I would propose following:

Make some a true Cholian dog, which eats the jaketa(?) fish as their masters, what would be only reasonable . These are only fond there, they have even better senses than their normal brethren. They are used for the hunt of this fish. I imagine them not actually hunting the fish, but cornering them like seals or dolphins are doing it.  Or like hunting dogs chase the prey towards their masters. The Cholians then have only to use their spears. (What a sad story if one hits his favourite dog!)
Most dogs there will be dependent on the fish, even if they hunt other prey like little animals in the surrounding desert. But there could be breeds raised without the fish in the port towns of the whole westcoast.(Name the towns!) Rich people could even buy the fish to improve the senses of the dog, which will suffer, if it runs out of fish

   
Habitat/Behavior:

Generally these animals are considered to be very social, however, based upon its living conditions, such behavior may greatly vary.  It is proven that dogs subject to hostility from its owner, starvation, or physical abuse will cause the Mithral Diver to become less hospitable and friendly.  Under these circumstances, it is not uncommon for the dog to attack a human or other being, though they would not usually do so.  Because of its social nature, it coincides well with humanoids, learning to thrive with them and creating a strong bond between the two, and the animal is often reported to have gone to great lengths to prevent harm from coming to him or her and serves them obediently, a skill which is quite useful for the Cholian fishermen.  Its happy disposition makes it optimal as a family pet, for the breed is very loving and makes a wonderful companion to all.

It is known to live the saying “No pain, No gain” to its fullest potential, often ignoring injuries and pain.  This trait makes it optimal around small children, often withstanding roughhousing while at home and when it is overwhelmed; it simply backs away instead of snapping or clawing or may attempt to correct the mistake on its own.

The Cholian Waterdog recognises a single person or family unit as its master or, in some cases, due to dominance issues, its pack.  Any person or thing it encounters, ranges on a scale below this in the animal’s favouritism based on interactions between the two.  Set above all, if it gets its way, is the dog itself.  This dominance complex is found in almost all of the beasts unless corrected at birth or as a puppy through training.  To prevent the animal from feeling as though it the alpha male or female over the family unit, it is highly suggested that the owner train the animal and constantly reinforce its training by practising more common commands.  In a remarkable phenomenon of unity between master and pet, so Cholians are able to order their dogs using basic hand motions or through eye signals.
This is a bit too elaborated as well, I think. Please avoid alpha male

Most of these retrievers are known to become quite vocal when they are excited or happy, often leading to a noisy hunt, or obnoxiously waking up owners in the night (an event that has caused many to lock their animal out of the house while they rest.)  These noises of mirth are often mistaken by those unfamiliar with the animal as a growl or a bark and are not intended to be a warning or to display anger.  In addition, some dogs will “smile” bearing its teeth into a peculiar grin in a seemingly threatening manner, while in reality they are simply displaying contentment.

Yet, despite the joys of the family unit, nothing will ever compare to the ecstasy brought by aquatic locations and the thrill of the hunt.  Whenever possible, the Jhomchalan Retriever will attempt to immerse itself in liquid, diving in and out in graceful motions if the depth permits, using its heightened senses of smell and hearing to locate possible prey.  The canine will rarely kill another animal for amusement, unless ordered to do so or in hunger, instead it enjoys the process leading up to the attack, the stalking and the chase.

Diet:

Often classified as an omnivore, this adorable pooch eats a plethora of foods ranging from the tasty Jakecha fish to the gnarled Multiweed to the egg of a Avash Vevan.  Contrary to popular belief the animal’s diet consists mainly of vegetation with sparse amounts of meat scattered throughout.  Seeing as the best parts of the fish are usually kept for its owners, the dog has no qualms about eating what humans would consider to be scraps.  It is a great reward for the animal to receive part of the more tasty flesh.
As said above, if it eats the fish, it will become dependant on it. Though eating mainly plants might be a nice trait, it is a bit unlikely, you can‘t have the stamina of a wolf when you live on plants. otherwise, see my comment above.

Mating:

After reaching the age of six months, the Mithral Diver reaches sexual maturity.  While the female will most likely begin mating right away, males will have to wait at least two or three more mating seasons before he is able to compete with the stronger animals for a mate.

The mating ritual beings when the female’s body begins a process during which it excretes a particular scent, recognisable only to males, saying that she is fertile.  This scent is often emitted two or three times a year, depending upon the individual.  Within an hour after it is secreted, male dogs from all over the area flock to the female.  Fighting other dogs and performing feats of strength and agility are the means in which the male attracts attention.  After carefully selecting the most impressive, the female dog will approach him and remain motionless, allowing him to mount her.  Approximately 9 weeks after fertilisation, a litter of 4-12 puppies are born.  Usually, the father will not remain long enough to see the birth of his children, instead moving on to fertilise other animals.
What about a water-mating?

Usages:

Cholians: As its name suggests, this canine is primarily used in the region surrounding the Cholian city of Jhomcholas(by the Bright Sea) as both a hunting dog and a retriever. What actually does it retrieve? Due to its heightened underwater senses and compatibility with humans, significant numbers of the animal migrated over.  In its early years, the dog is taught basic commands by its master, teaching it both dominance and effective group hunting techniques.  At an early age, the animal is brought out to the open ocean with its master where it expected to successfully perform many tasks.  Due to the heavy use of the Sparth Spear, on fair days when the fish are close to the surface, it is rarely used, but on less favourable days, the animals are expected to brave the cold to perform its duty. Which duties?

Due to the Cholian Waterdog’s dominance problem, it is practically impossible to keep two of the animal in the same household, let alone on the same boat.


That might created problems if you want a hunting pack. Why is there not just a hierarchy? The leader would be the first one in the water hunt as well, giving signals to the rest? This, coupled with the animal’s high reproduction rate has caused an population overflow, providing unwanted puppies to its masters.  For this reason, male dogs are favoured, as responsibility for the young is non-existent for the masters.  Great flocks of female dogs roam the deserted allies of the city or flock to the ocean to provide themselves with sustenance.  These bitch animals are often considered to be pests and are angrily shooed away for being annoying or, in some drastic cases, beaten to repulse them.

You could keep this, even if you allow more dogs in one family. Elaborate this a bit, it sounds interesting. 




As I said already above, you did a lot of writing and I ask you now to rewrite most of it. I see this quite clearly. But this could really be such a special entry, tied into Caelereth and unique to it!

Won‘t you bring up the patience to rewrite? That would be great!

What I nearly forgot: the colour: The normal dogs would have your Korwyn gold, but those who eat the fish should loose colour as their masters, maybe white with a light golden hue which reflects the sun like the water they are in?
 

And don‘t use the Avash vevan please, the name of tis bird will be changed, call it just Copperdeath , I willpropose the name to Art.
« Last Edit: 17 October 2006, 16:45:13 by Talia Sturmwind » Logged

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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #6 on: 20 October 2006, 09:47:46 »

Halfway done Talia.  Will finish soon.
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xerampelinae deicida
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« Reply #7 on: 21 October 2006, 02:12:23 »

What about sea rescue? These dogs seem to be ideally suited for rescuing people from ships wrecked in storms.
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #8 on: 21 October 2006, 06:20:15 »

IMHO, based upon its personality it wouldn't do that anyways nor could it be taught to.  It is loyal to one person or group of people and taking lengths to protect these people are already described within the entry.
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Miraran Tehuriden
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« Reply #9 on: 22 October 2006, 00:42:47 »

to completely bypass the problem; name it in a more santharian way... create a new word, give it a tribal [untranslatable] name, whatever..
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« Reply #10 on: 22 October 2006, 05:04:28 »

phew!  Finally finished!  Ok.  I did almost everything.  Here are the things I didn't encorperate and my reasoning.

Quote
What about a water-mating?

I added a bit more, but water was already encorperated in the mating ritual.  Most of the tasks in which the male uses to impress his possible mate involve the water and his finesse in it.

Quote
What actually does it retrieve?

The answer to this is scatttered throughout the entry as well as right below the question I believe.  It retireves both dead game(primarily fish far away from the boat, on the ocean floor if accessible, or in climates to cold for the Cholian's to safely enter the water.

Quote
Which duties?

Described right above the question.  While hunting, the animal's "duty" is to either chase, track, retrieve, hunt, kill or herd the fish its master is hunting.

Quote
That might created problems if you want a hunting pack. Why is there not just a hierarchy? The leader would be the first one in the water hunt as well, giving signals to the rest?

This really wouldn't fit well, IMHO, with the dog's personality.  Despite its dominance problems, the dogs would all compete, not work together to try to gain their master's favor which would lead to inefficencies while hunting as well as fighting.

*takes a deep breath*  Thats everything I believe.  I am chanign all the names right now, but other than that everything is encorperated.  Should I mark this for integration or do you wish to take another read through?
« Last Edit: 22 October 2006, 05:07:31 by Drasil Razorfang » Logged
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« Reply #11 on: 23 October 2006, 01:49:42 »

I'm preparing this one now, but here are some pointer to what you shouldn't do:

- there are not "devices" inside a beast's body and
- we don't write "Deep within the ear, small mechanisms gather sound at a rate that easily doubles that of a human with more range as well." but, yep, that's how medieval people write: "The Jhomcholan Diver has the ability to hear extremely well, supposedly even better than a human." No mechanisms!!
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« Reply #12 on: 23 October 2006, 02:19:42 »

Oops  buck  I must have missed that one.
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #13 on: 23 October 2006, 02:31:48 »

Artimidor, it would be nice when I comment on an entry if you would wait with starting to integrate it till I think it is ready to go up. I don't  want to spend so much time in correcting a submission when in the end it is not as it could be in my eyes.  I know many of you think I‘m too picky, but either I do it my way or not at all (though I try to be less demanding). It doesn‘t encourage me to do comments if my work is just cut of nor does it help me in my attempts to make this a divers and logically built world. There are still some things which need to be discussed here, in my opinion. Drasil might be right, I hadn‘t time to  answer his last comments.
What about asking if it is ready in the eyes of the main commentator?
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« Reply #14 on: 23 October 2006, 02:36:42 »

*Slips ot of the ring, giving room for Artimidor to brawl with Talia for a change*

Becareful, she's wily....

Ralhag
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