A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

Helvíl Ypherén

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A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« on: 26 August 2007, 01:29:48 »

This poem was spoken by a an Elf that was condemned for worshipping Coór. While he was being burned, he spoke this words that brought great shame to his family. It was recorded in paper by Helvíl Ypherén who was passing by in the area.

He titled it:

A tribute to Coór. A Mockery to Ava.

Avá the Lady Fair you're called,
While Coór the darkness is his name,
In your dream he was enthralled,
Which means your wills are both the same.

O Avá the One, you did create all,
Even the Beast that we mortals fear,
In your mighty dream, he is your thrall,
In your dream, he first appeared.

Avá the Fair, you're such a fool,
You can't even see your own mistake,
In your mighty dream he is your tool,
To corrupt all of your children’s fates.

O Avá the Fair, O ominous Maid,
You cannot heal the wounds of the World,
Your dream shall be covered by His shade,
And his plan will soon be unfurled.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
Pictures came from the santharia.. I just edited them... I would like to ask if this will be allowed as a tribute to Coor in his entry since he doesnt have any prayers there or any tribute to him at all....... Just thought the evil God needs some attention

Need some help too on making these much better


« Last Edit: 27 August 2007, 17:50:34 by Helvíl Ypherén »	Logged

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels

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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #1 on: 26 August 2007, 04:32:02 »

Helvil, that is a nice start!

i have to do some research on content first though before I can comment., then we will look at meter and rhyme. Maybe you post a link to here in the library forum as well so that those people who are reading more such stuff are guided to your poem as well.


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #2 on: 26 August 2007, 13:21:23 »

I will be waiting for your comments Talia.....


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #3 on: 26 August 2007, 15:18:47 »

A few basic things here:

- A poem should have a context, usually added as an introduction to the poems, so that we know who made it with what purpose etc.
- We point this out regularly to brand new Santharian poets: Make sure that the poem - if it rhymes and isn't completely free form - follows some sort of scheme. You rhyme here in the scheme abab, but if you look at the length of the lines you already see that they are completely irregular. Usually the lines should have the same amount of syllables, otherwise there is no rhythm in the poem.
- The adjusted greyscale version of the Coór pic works pretty well! Actually it somehow looks much more efficient than the coloured one - it has something of the old Universal horror movies like Frankenstein and the like... lol

A good contrast can make things much eerier than any coloured stuff can do. Great idea!


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #4 on: 26 August 2007, 15:23:08 »

Thank You Artimidor.....
Hehehehehe... the picture was quite an accident when I was pushing buttons on photoshop.... I was never good with art


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #5 on: 26 August 2007, 19:34:18 »

I have rewritten it and now it is according to Mr. Artimidor's comment.

Hmmm... I did not understand your comment about why was it written Artimidor but I just entered a short summary on why was it written....


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #6 on: 26 August 2007, 22:10:31 »

Shouldn't this be in the Library?


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #7 on: 26 August 2007, 22:16:12 »

No.... I was hoping for this to be added in the entry of Coor since Ava has a prayer so I guess Coor too deserves a tribute


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #8 on: 27 August 2007, 02:26:32 »

So can this be added to the entry of Coor as an entry?


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #9 on: 27 August 2007, 05:26:48 »

Helvil, I didn't have a closer look yet (content wise)and your rhythm and rhyme is still off.

It would help me a lot if you posted the links to the entries from which you got the ideas - e.g. where is Avá called the Fair One? So I don't have to look for myself. Not the entries themselves, but please quote to what you refer. Thank you


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #10 on: 27 August 2007, 12:35:08 »

Quote

"Avá, Avá, O Lady fair
From whom all beauty flows
None to You can compare
We bask within Your glow

Avá, Avá, O Lady fair
To whom we are but fleeting dreams
We ask You give us solace here
Amid a world of evil things

Avá, Avá, O Lady fair
Forsake us not in time of need
Give us strength to fight our fears
And praise shall ever be given Thee"

I just got the idea from the above....


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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #11 on: 27 August 2007, 13:19:42 »

Here are a few suggestions to make your poem flow better and more pleasant to hear, Helvil! My changes also unveiled a rhyme scheme for the first three lines, while the last one is 7-9 syllables. Couldn't get it to fit exactly - sorry! undecided

A tribute to Coór. A Mockery to Ava.

Avá the Lady Fair you're called,
While Coór the darkness is his name,
In your [omission] dream he was enthralled,
Which means your wills are both the same.

O Avá the One, you did create all,
Even the Beast that we mortals fear,
In your mighty dream, he is your thrall,
In your [omission] dream, he first appeared.

Avá the Fair, you're such a fool,
You can't even see your own mistake,
In your mighty dream he is your tool,
To corrupt all of your children’s fates.

O Avá the Fair, O ominous Maid,
You cannot heal the wounds of the World,
Your dream shall be covered by His shade,
And his plan will soon be unfurled.


« Last Edit: 27 August 2007, 13:21:29 by Gaffin »	Logged

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Re: A Mockery to Avá. A Tribute to Coór

« Reply #12 on: 27 August 2007, 16:13:08 »

I guess accepting your help wont hurt

It is far superior than mine... (not really good at poetry)