Santharian History: 0 to 100 a.S.

Alysse the Likely

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Re: Santharian History: 0 to 100 a.S.

« Reply #15 on: 27 May 2009, 01:41:14 »

Well, I think we should avoid specific RL titles like "baron", "duke" or "earl" (in general; I know there are some references to them on the site) but there are less common names that we could use or adapt to "Santharize" them. I include some possibilities for "official" titles of landed nobles below:

--Thane (or a variant spelling such as "Thayne" or "Thaine")

--Overlord

--Squire (or a variant such as "Squyre", "Squeere" or even "Skwyre"

--Aristo ("Arysto" or "Areesto")

I kind of like "Thayne" or "Arysto" myself, but this list just presents some possible alternatives that we can talk about. I hope this is helpful.

Alysse


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Alysse the Likely

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Re: Santharian History: 0 to 100 a.S.

« Reply #16 on: 07 July 2009, 17:10:40 »

Hey Art,

Thought I'd take a glance at this as it appears very good, but seems to have been swallowed into the gaping hole of no-recent-comments.

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No other figure in Santharian history has done so much to bring peace to the Santharian kingdom, to unite all the races and tribes in harmony.

This is likely an exception that is fine for Santhros - given who he is. But possibly a small change 'No other figure [so far] ... so that it leaves it open for someone else to be even more influential to peace at some point in the future-history rather than closing off the possibility.

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It's a historical fact that the coronation of Santhros as king of Tharania is the direct continuation to the until this point still semi-official Sarvonian Alliance between the leaders of all three main races of the southern Sarvonian continent, humans, elves and dwarves.

I have no idea what's going on in the middle of this sentence. I'm not even sure what it's trying to say in order to offer an alternative. You saying that the act of crowing Santhros was itself an important step towards cementing the Sarvonian alliance?

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Eventually Santhros should succeed

would, instead of should?

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to form a kingdom unparalleled in history that would last for millenia to come.

Unparalleled in size? Wealth? Happiness? Population? Military might? Quantity of pig farms? How was the success of this apparently incredible kingdom measured?

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80-105 - King Mantheros/Queen Ilee'ala
(Daughters: Sirthala, Na'ahena)

Do we have a birth date for Mantheros? Given the number of daughters Laethris had first, I'm guessing he might have been mid-20's before his son was finally born, so being about 29 b.S perhaps? That'd make Mantheros 48 when the succession fights started and 51 when he finally claimed the throne.

Aah no - reading ahead I see he was born in 60 a.S, so 20 when he claims the throne, just 17 when the succession starts?

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This alliance already exists for several years in

This seems a past tense part - existed fit better I think.

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The new kingdom also brings peace to the many disputes among the races which still reign the lands

'Reign the lands' is a bit of an odd phrase. 'Dominate the lands' perhaps?

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The town lies embedded in the central to Santharian,

...'in the centre of Santharia'?

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Committees to discuss new cooperations and reorganization between races and regions produce first remarkable results.

I think it is either 'produce remarkable first results', or you don't need the first at all, and it's just 'produce remarkable results.' I think the latter works best.

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...they still have to deal with a renegade Stratanian Baron in the Uderza region, who didn't recognize Stratanian government and even does so even less with a unified Santharia.

I think it sounds a bit clearer if you make it 'who refused to recognise' (english spelling) rather than 'who didn't' - that's a little weak. And something goes a bit weird at the end of the sentence. Perhaps a slight re-write :

"...they still have to deal with a renegade Stratanian Baron in the Uderza region who refuses to recognise either the Stratanian government or the unified Santharia."

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The mere amount of troops showing up to represent the king's determination

This is confusing - 'mere' suggests very few troops (although it sounds odd). Was it meant to say 'sheer amount', to indicate a huge number?

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In a Declaration of Carmalad the Avennorians, Serphelorians and Caltharians vow to ignore Staranos' ambitions and proclaim Mantheros their king. Uncertainty spreads over the southern continent. Many people oppose Mantheros, fearing that he is too weak to support his claim without the necessary military force needed to back it up.

Do we have anyone who can lend opinion of whose side the halfings, and dwarves were on? There's no mention of them during the succession battle.

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Many people oppose Mantheros, fearing that he is too weak to support his claim [and] without the necessary military force needed to back it up.

I'm not certain - but a possible missing 'and' where I've put the [ ]?

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Cumragane and many of his men are burned too as they chase the tyrant in hairbreadth distance.

Hairbreadth distance is a bit of an odd phrase. I think it'd be fine to just say 'chased the tyrant.'

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gives birth to two twin daughters

Two twin daughters suggest 4 of them. Just 'twin daughters' is fine.

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As others have said - a fascinating read. I look forward to this continuing

Happy Writing


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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels

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Re: Santharian History: 0 to 100 a.S.

« Reply #17 on: 07 July 2009, 17:51:32 »

Ah, yes, I forgot about that! - no baron in Uderza! I will look into what we have there.

Another little proposal:

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The town (Quia'antá) lies embedded in the central to Santharian, in the midst of the Rimmerins Ring and features multiple tribes living already in harmony together.

multiple tribes is a bit vague and tells me nothing, 'already' not much either. Actually, not the tribes themselves live there (apart from the main), but members of those Northern tribes. Nitpick? More accurate wording, I think.

Why not : ... and features multiple tribes, mainly the Eyelians, Serphelorians and Avennorians, living for more than xxx years in harmony together. After Quia'antá is declared capital of the new kingdom, many other denizens(?) of the farther away provinces move into the town.

Why should many citizens of the other tribes live already there? Enough to be worth mentioning? But due to the king residing now, Quia'antá will see a huge increase in population, I assume.


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Santharian History: 0 to 100 a.S.

« Reply #18 on: 07 July 2009, 22:44:37 »

This is already on site, but of course I'll see to fix the mentioned things, Smee

And change that Quia'antá phrase. Good to see someone reading it! grin


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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels

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Re: Santharian History: 0 to 100 a.S.

« Reply #19 on: 08 July 2009, 20:16:22 »

I'm very unhappy with this part, just forgot about it with all that confirmation stress:

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1 - Defeat of a renegade Stratanian Baron
While the Stratanians joined the United Kingdom, they still have to deal with a renegade Stratanian Baron in the Uderza region, who didn't recognize Stratanian government and even does so even less with a unified Santharia.

Already in the first year of his reign Santhros starts a military campaign led by the Stratanians and backed up up by mainly Avennorian and Serphelorian troops, successfully ousting and imprisoning the rogue baron. The mere amount of troops showing up to represent the king's determination is argument enough to get rid of the baron with practically no bloodshed at all - thus a huge bonus is earned for the king in the southern parts of the kingdom.

For one, there is no such person as a 'baron'. Uderza is the centre of the Shen-Kha'si subtribe and so the government of that town and area lies surely in the hands of some 'sisters' or a 'mother'. As the Shendar are halfway democratic and talking tribe wide over political issues, it would make not much sense if one part goes in another direction. If at all, all Shendar would have denied the union, but as they are not really interested in who rules them, or think he does so, they would not oppose such a joining.

I would prefer, if I could rewrite the whole section and not use Uderza as the point of resistance, but Varcopas, which might have been until now a kind of 'free town' and sees its rights endangered. At least Strata was much more distant than New Santhala. (And that reunion means taxes, I assume)

So, can I invent a nice conflict between Varcopas and the new forming kingdom? With some benefits for Varcopas if it agrees the joining, like trade advantages?


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Santharian History: 0 to 100 a.S.

« Reply #20 on: 08 July 2009, 22:50:40 »

Sure you can rewrite that part - the point of getting it on site is to actually make something productive out of what we put together a while ago, but never ended up as officially put up Santharian history. So if something doesn't fit, just correct these events and we're an important step further. And in the next years after 100 a.S. there will be important female Santharian characters, so if you have something concrete in this respect, let me know as well.