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Author Topic: The Tolu Pack-Beast  (Read 10414 times)
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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #15 on: 03 June 2010, 07:43:05 »

Consider my horse held ;)
And yup, I'll just stroll around and comment in the meantime!
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #16 on: 17 June 2010, 05:11:13 »

Hello Nsiki! *waves to him*

I see, you are trying your hands at a beast this time (which is certainly much smaller in size than the Ring ;) )

As it is a desert beast, it needs a desert. Hmm. Here we might have a problem...

It does not fit in the Ráhaz-Dáth,  the Shendar with their ai'nuvics and aka'pis, there is no need for another animal of this kind.

Aeruillin is closed to development, especially the East. Reason: If at all, then the work on this continent should go into the West, which has already more places and tribe entries. I would not add an important animal to a tribe without the ok of the author either. In addition, as I'm currently the only expert on Aeruillin and I have only rarely time in the next weeks , it would be better, if you could place your animal in another area.

Nybelmar,  has deserts also and claims always, to be the exotic continent  buck

Would that be an option for you? I don't know, which tribe could use your animal, maybe you shout for one of our western compendiumists?
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« Reply #17 on: 18 June 2010, 17:39:24 »

Nsiki, maybe a frozen desert would work as well? Though I don't see room for it in the East of Northern Sarvonia, maybe there are tribes in the West, some orcs, or other people? Why should we link camels, even if they have 6 legs, always only to hot deserts? On the other side, there might be a six legged creature already in Nybelmar, so it would fit well .
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #18 on: 19 June 2010, 00:47:36 »

There is that possibility - switch the humps to flubs of blubber, make the hooves wide to walk on snow... I feel as though an arctic animal would need to be a bit... bigger, mayhaps.. I'll play with the idea, and see what comes up! And if not this beast, the next one will be found high in the Northern, craggy, mountains!
Thank you!
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #19 on: 19 June 2010, 01:16:02 »

I've got Wison riders in the Icelands and they will be riding Tarandus Deer and Paxen in Iol, so I think I'm good for exotic mounts.  Like Talia said, the western half might be better, or further south, like Kanapan lands.
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #20 on: 19 June 2010, 01:59:17 »

Concerning deserts: Well, there's also the dwarven realm of Denilou, located far off the coast of Santharia. We have a larger desert there (the Holi'dispor), though who would use the beasts to travel where and why is another matter, as the dwarves live mainly in the mountains, and elves to the northwest. But in the long run this island could use some development as well, so there's an option at least :)
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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #21 on: 19 June 2010, 13:31:34 »

I think I've found them a spot, over with the Domino Men, but Denilou intrigues me! I'll jot over that way once I'm done in the North :)
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #22 on: 03 July 2010, 13:59:32 »

I'll be on vacation for the next week, but once I come back, this'll be all finished! Its done in my head, it just takes more time then it used to to get it down on paper..
But: see y'all in a week!
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #23 on: 15 July 2010, 11:38:57 »

Ready for the first round of comments!
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

Some men aren't looking for anything logical like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. - The Dark Knight

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A government in which the majority rule in all cases cannot be based on justice, even as far as men understand it- HD Thoreau
Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #24 on: 18 July 2010, 07:16:52 »

First URI in a while so bear with me.


Overview
No other animal perhaps, This is gramatically incorrect.  It should either be 'Perhaps no other animal' or 'No other animal, perhaps,'.  The first option is not only gramatically better but also more fluid is as well-suited to the desert, as hardy a survivor, and as bizarre in appearance as the Tolu. Would you mind inserting an 'is' before all the 'as's?  Since its such a long series the reader loses the verb by the time he gets to the end of the sentence. Perhaps add a modifer here with a similar meaning to 'looking as if' or 'seems' like since I don't think its anatomically possible for these three creatures to mate.A bit of horse, a bit of goat, and a bit of something else entirely have combined to create this oddity among creatures, but they have combined superbly. Well-suited for long-distance travel on the hot desert sands of the Naezshan Zhunith, the Tolu's six legs, various humps of fatI'm going to assume these are like a camel's humps and can hold water?  If so, perhaps adding that feature here would be a good idea since its a necessity for being useful in a desert., and splayed hooves make for an excellent dry-climate beast of burden, one often put to use by the Doimo Nomads.

 Appearance
The Tolu is a six-legged creature, with four legs in back, and two in front. The hooves are wide, tapering from the lanky and lengthy The words lanky and lengthy mean the same thing.  No need to put them both herelegs. This anatomy allows the Tolu to run with an odd, but incredibly powerful series of leaps and bounds.Hmm...based on the physical appearance this beast seems like it would be more of a 'scuttler' like a crab or a spider.  I don't think it would be possible for it to leap and bound with six legs. The speed at which this creature moves is surprising, not only because of the spindly nature of the legs in question, but also due to its somewhat corpulent natureI think body or form would be a better word choice here. Drooping on both sides of the Tolu's body, as well as on the beast's back are anywhere from two to six largeNeed a second verb in this clause since you can't really droop off a back.  Something along the lines of perched or mounted would work., flabby humps, filled with fat. Whilst adding a certain amount of comical whimsy to the Tolu, the humps seem to serve a practical purpose as well, acting as a natural canteen of sorts.

Though the Tolu appears to hold quite a bit of food,This phrase reads a bit awkwardly.  I think its because hold isn't exactly the right word to use here.  Something like requires might work. it also appears to take very little inTry to avoid using prepositions at the end of sentences.. It has an extraordinarily thin snout, containing a long, serpentine tongue: A semi-colon or period should go here, not a full colon.  the tongue seems perfectly made to suck water out of hard to reach places, or to reach high leaves in the rare desert trees.

The Tolu typically stands at 1 ped and 2 fores at the shoulder, weighing approximately 13 pygges and 6 mut. In color, the Tolu range from a fairly common sandy brown to a more piebald white and brown coloration, more common in females then males. Besides this detail, males and females are almost identical.   
I'm having a bit of trouble imagining what this beast looks like.  Right now I have a picture of a giant, fleshy spider in my head, but based on your overview I don't think thats the impression you were trying to give.  Perhaps adding another paragraph or two to more clearly describe what the Tolu looks like could help solve this?  Unless of course that is what you intended.

Territory
The Tolu makes its home in the Naezshan Zhunith thirstlands, a brutal land of savage heat and frigid nights. The Tolu can be found roaming throughout the thirstlands, located in Western Nybelmar. 

Deci should look over this before it gets approved to check all the Nybelmar-y things.

Behaviour
Unlike most animals, the Tolu lives in different sized groups throughout its lives. In this way, it is They are perhaps more akin to man than beast. A Tolu, in the wild, is born within a large herd, numbering around twenty or so of the creatures. In true communal spirit, the healthiest Tolu care for the young, protecting them and feeding them. Female Tolu lactate throughout their lives, and any female will gladly feed the young.

As the Tolu matures, it will strike off on its own, wandering the desert until it finds a suitible mate. It is believed that the Tolu must travel along certain paths, because it is rare to see an old bachelor, and surprisingly, couples are often sighted throughout the desertThis last bit seems to contradict what you were trying to say initially.  If they all traveled on the same paths, there would be high concentrations of them in specific areas (the paths) while they'd be extremely rare elsewhere..

Such a couple will often travel together for years, until the Tolu is just nearing, as neared, or just passed erm...What?  Please sort these verbs out.  Also the its after this should be a their since you are talking about the couple, the peak of its life. At this point, the Tolu pair will travel instinctivly to a breeding ground, where they and many others will band together. This doesn't really make sense to me.  If the two aren't mating and making babies, why would they bother pairing up so early?  It seems rather inefficient, especially considering that they live in a desert so food is scarce.  Traveling in groups of two mean they can cover less ground, so they are less likely to find food and water, and when they do, they will have to split this meager supply in half.

At this pointYou use this clause in the sentence immediately preceding this.  Try to vary it up a bit., the Tolu form a small herd-community, and the process starts over again.

When domesticated by the Doimo nomads, however, the Tolu will usually only be found in pairs, as a Tolu cannot be domesticated after it has produced a calf. The usually docile creature will reject human (or any other beast for that matter) with violent force, kicking, spitting, and occasionally head-butting its aggressor. This is an unusual and interesting behavior.  Could you please elaborate more on it?  Perhaps you could even add a first person account of such behavior and some local speculation or myths as to why it happens.  Also, is this true for both genders or just the females?

Diet
The Tolu gets by on meals few and far between. Most of these meals consist of fruits, nectar, I don't know much about Nybelmar but I'm going to assume you did your research and all of these things exist in the desert that you mentioned. water, and other soft foodstuffs the Tolu can easily suck up using its narrow mouth. Insects are a particular favorite.
Need More specifics here!

Mating
The Tolu mates with the first potential partner it finds, spawning the phrase "Easy as a Tolu" among some of the desert-folk. Upon finding a mate, the Tolu will travel together and remain strictly monogamous. When the time for breeding comes, typically in the coolest months, the Tolu will congregate in one specific area, and initiate a festival of sorts. It is at this point when the males release their musk, and the females become extremely submissive.  What happens if one of the partners dies?  Will they take a new partner or will they live alone for the rest of their life?  Also, I think it would make more sense if they do the actual mating act seperately and then congregate afterwards to give birth.

Myth/Lore
Story: How the Tolu got its humps.

Usages
The Tolu is used by the Doimo nomads as a beast of burden. Its milk is sweet, succulent, and extremely nutritious, and its hide is sturdy and tough, perfect for building tents.    Including that it has a hide and utters above would be useful in the apperance section.  Also, you skipped the Special Abilities section.  Please add this.
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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #25 on: 18 July 2010, 13:50:23 »

Thanks so much Drasil!
And yes, the information on the Thirstlands was a bit sparse: next phase, after these edits are made will be to integrate the setting into the creature and vice versa, make it a bit more "Santhy" (or is that Nymby?). Anyways, thanks much, I'll post an update when I'm ready for more comments!
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

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« Reply #26 on: 04 August 2010, 04:29:17 »

It has to be nice, because I kept on reading this.
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Nsikigan Ho´Tonanese Yourth
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« Reply #27 on: 07 August 2010, 03:00:57 »

Thanks :)
I'm almost done, trying to move into the new place, and getting ready for the start of a new school year!
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Nsikigan Yourth, Eyelian extraordinare.

Some men aren't looking for anything logical like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. - The Dark Knight

Wisdom begins in wonder. ~ Socrates

A government in which the majority rule in all cases cannot be based on justice, even as far as men understand it- HD Thoreau
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« Reply #28 on: 07 August 2010, 05:19:46 »

Thanks :)
I'm almost done, trying to move into the new place, and getting ready for the start of a new school year!

That is no excuse to delay an entry!   hammer
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« Reply #29 on: 07 August 2010, 06:15:14 »

We need to buy our local slave-driver a whip.   ;)
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