* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: [1] 2
Print
Author Topic: The Founding of Ciosa: A Hiveling Myth (for seth)  (Read 6725 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« on: 22 September 2010, 02:39:34 »

Well, I was inspired to this by seth's recent myth about the hivelings, and as I've always wanted to do a Library entry here it is. It kind of left the topic of hivelings insofar as I wrote more about Ciosa than Hivelings, but I submit it anyway.

Note: I invented the Glandorian sea goddess (well, her name and sacred creature)
I invented all people here except Ciosa.
I heavily developed Ciosa in a way which may not be wanted (he has no entry, so I built him a character.)
For anyone who cares, I did name Leif after my RP account.
I made up the idea that Hivelings were involved in Port Cael.
I made up the forest which stood where Port Cael is now. There are a few trees on the map, and this was 13000 years ago.

Edits still done in Seth-yellow, and with a few more added in. Also a VERY important bit about "reader's notes". Two points - I make some assumptions about the timeline and religion of the Glandorians, and I have put "Reader's Notes". Who wants me to put "Readers' Notes"?
More edits in glaring blood-red, as all the seth was getting to be too much of a good thing :P
Deadly green (these edits are also done in blood, I just ate a plant from the greenhouse) is the next colour of choice.


The Founding of Ciosa: A Hiveling Myth

Overview/Teaser: When the Glandorians came down from the Kanapan peninsula, under the leadership of Troi Ciosa, they were shipwrecked on a reef at Gebl's Nose Cape, leading them to scuttle the ship and remove the supplies. In this story, stranded in a foreign country, with no more than a few score men, women and children, Ciosa prays to the Goddess of the Sea to show him what to do. He receives a vision and sets out to found a city.

The Tale:

On the third day of the fourth month - as men reckoned time in that era - in the thirteen-thousandth year before this day, a ship was run aground on the eastern coast of what is now Manthria.[1] It was not a particularly large ship, nor was it a particularly impressive ship - it listed heavily to larboard and was so thick with barnacles that no wood could be seen for over a ped above the waterline. However, it was a ship whose arrival heralded the start of a new kingdom, which would stretch to the north and to the south, and from sea to sea.

But every mighty kingdom begins with a single city, and we are not concerned with the descendants of Ciosa, Captain of this singularly unimposing vessel, but with his own actions. As he stood, proud and tall, in the prow of his ship, his heart leapt for joy at the sight of land. Bare land, true, land without ice, warm company, or the true Gods, but land nonetheless. For one reputed to have been at sea a half-score years, this was truly a joyous day.

***

As we look back across the twin expanses of space and time, over stral and eon, we see a young child appear at his side - a girl tugs on the ragged hem of his salt-encrusted garment. Turning, he vanishes back into the depths of his ship.

***

An hour later and Ciosa himself left the ship with his friend, closer than a brother, Nikolf, and the two crossed the reef to the land. Waves to their waists battered them, but they battled on, and reached land. Falling to his knees, Ciosa seized the sand in both fist and cried out, praising the Sea Goddess Meanra[2] for Her kindness and blessing. Turning back, they moved out again onto the bar, the hope in their hearts if anything increased by this difficult and treacherous journey to the land. As the famed Avennorian philosopher Johlneth summarised it in his retelling of the tale in the work Struggles "Anywhere worth going is worth fighting to reach". So they returned to the ship, and the stinging of salt was as the singing of birds, and the beating of the waves was as the soothing breath of the west wind.

***

The next morning, at the hour of low tide, the entire population of the ship went ashore, bearing food, tools, materials, anything that could be taken away. At the end, Ciosa prised up many planks, and lashed them together with stout rope from the rigging; on this raft he piled wood from the decking, sailcloth, and any things that the people had had to leave behind, after placing it in the water and lashing it to the ship. Taking an axe, he went into the bilges and opened a hole in the hull, wide as he was tall in all directions. He dived through this opening and with main strength, unaided by the fact that the tide was now coming in fast, he hauled himself onto the raft. Paddling with a piece of wood, and with a seaman's understanding of the currents, he made land, to the relief of all who awaited him. They welcomed him, and set up a camp for the night, electing him as their leader on land as on sea and naming themselves Ciosans in his honour.

A fire was built and fed with shrubs and the people celebrated late into the night. But eventually all had gone to bed, to feel the firmness of the earth beneath them instead of the unsteady rocking of a tossing ship, and to sleep secure in the knowledge that they were not going to sink while sleeping. And then and only then did Ciosa wander from the embers of the fire, where small flames still flickered, tongues licking over charred wood. He wandered down to the sea, which he had called his country for ten years, and looked at his ship, invisible but there, which he had called his home for an equal period; and he sighed. And he prayed. He knelt on the wet sand and prayed to Meanra, Goddess of the Sea and of the Gift of the Sea, which is Life, and of the Breath of the Sea, which is Wind, and mother of the sons and daughters thereof. He prayed for kindness, he prayed that he might be guided, he prayed that he could live up to the expectations of his people, he prayed that their trust in him not be disappointed. He received no answer, as he had expected. The Gods do not work so crudely. The moonlight glinted off the water; at last, for the first time in ten years, and after all of his companions, Ciosa went to bed on dry land.

***

That night he dreamed. And the dream was of a character unlike any he had had before. He seemed to see a single apparition, a figure, stood before him; yet when he tried to look at any one part of it, it seemed to lose form and dissolve. It beckoned once and then turned - though the sight from behind was scarcely different to that from the front. It moved across the ground, into a forest, and on into the distance. No matter how Ciosa tried, he could not keep up, and then his mind moved to more inconsequential things.

***

The next morning the leader of the Ciosans awoke and left his tent. He was troubled in his mind, and confessed as much to his friend, closer than a brother, Nikolf. Nikolf was not a fighter, nor an artist; rather he was a thinker, tempering the rashness of the impetuous Ciosa, and he considered the problem in his quick mind, including the odd dream which Ciosa had recounted to him. Then Nikolf spoke, and in a soft voice suggested that the apparition was a messenger from Meanra, and that Ciosa's path was clear; he must find the location depicted in his dream, and thus find the messenger. Ciosa accepted the words of his friend, closer than a brother, Nikolf, without question, and would have set out instantly in search of this location. But Nikolf, loyal to his friend, indicated that Ciosa could only explore a small area. Convening the Ciosans, the erstwhile captain called upon volunteers from among the healthy men to explore the area for a distance of half a day's walk, and to return at nightfall, reporting to him what they had found. A dozen strong men, including the sometime cabin boy, grown into a man aboard ship, left in all directions save east - in that direction lay only the sea.

The explorers to the north returned within an hour, reporting simple rocky beaches up to the sea. The explorer sent due south returned with the same news by noon, and then Ciosa awaited the rest of his men. Huts were begun, but most would sleep under canvas that night again. As the sun set, a small group of men were sighted coming towards the camp. Keen-eyed Ciosa recognised eight of the men he had sent on expedition; with the three who had already returned, they still lacked one of their number. Hoarse with anguish, Ciosa demanded the whereabouts of the cabin boy, named Leif, who was as a son to him, whom he had raised from eight to eighteen years, whereupon they said that they did not know, but that he had gone due west. Swift of foot, Ciosa ran. He was pursued, his name was called, but none could catch him. Untiringly, Ciosa ran on, until the sun was long since below the horizon. Then the glint of the full moon caught his eye; seemingly balanced atop a mountain, his dream seemed to have resurrected itself. Awed, Ciosa walked forwards, almost treading on the cabin boy. Instantly, he was on his knees, shaking him, calling his name. The young man stirred, blinked, and saw his master. Relief swept through them both, and the Captain helped the boy to his feet.

Turning, he saw behind him the apparition from his dream. Paralysed with shock, Ciosa and Leif watched as the being moved closer. It stopped, and Ciosa could hear buzzing. Amazed, he realised that the creature was formed of a swarm of bees. The messengers of Meanra, symbols of Her greatest gift, condensers of Life into pure liquid form, totems of the Goddess Herself, formed into humanoid shape, stood before him, summoned together by the power of the Goddess. Worshipfully, he sank to his knee, and bowed his head. A voice sounded, and with awe Ciosa realised that the buzzing produced this noise, the hint of it carried along beneath the voice. It carried suggestions of plenty and freedom, of summer afternoons and flowers blooming, of a city of peace and harmony.

And then he heard the words. And if Ciosa was awed at the sight of the messenger, the sound passed all words to describe. The voice of Meanra blessed him for his humanity, for his concern for even the lowest member of his crew, and for his humility in confessing that he had no confidence in his ability to lead those who named themselves after him. And then his dream seemed to come again, for the figure beckoned and led the way into the woods, followed by Ciosa and Leif, and no mysterious force held them back. For half a half hour the two Glandorian sailors followed the earthly messenger of the Goddess of the Sea, until at last the being reached a glade. A river ran through the woods, and in a clearing on the bank the apparition pointed once at the ground, and then before their very eyes lost form and separated into a chaotic, formless swarm of bees, pouring into one of the hives at the edge of the glade. Trees groaned with fruit; hives overflowed with honey; and a river gushed through with water. Perfection seemed to Ciosa to exist right there.

And as they stood there, Captain and cabin-boy, the rest of the Ciosans arrived, led by his friend, closer than a brother, Nikolf, babbling and calling, but one by one falling silent as they entered the clearing. Then Ciosa turned to the assembled multitude and, in words so powerful it is said they can still be heard by those who listen, welcomed his friends and showed them the vision of happiness which the Goddess had granted to them. And he said that any city on a coast should be a port, and Port Cael should be the name, as it would be a port to the world. Yet the people called out that it should be named Ciosa, in honour of their leader. Unable to stop them, Ciosa allowed this and then called them all back to the camp, to fetch wood and tools and young children, and build the mighty city of Ciosa.[3]

And all the glories of the Kingdom of Avennoria sprang from that one day, when Ciosa demonstrated his ability to show kindness and compassion to the lowliest, and so won the blessing of the Goddess Meanra, Goddess of the Sea and of the Gift of the Sea, which is life, and the Breath of the Sea, which is Wind.

Footnotes:

[1]The reef on which Ciosa and his crew ran aground was, according to scholars, once connected to the mainland, and the current reef which protects the port of Ciosa from the extremes of the elements was once a part of it. As the original reef prevented ships from landing, a huge amount of it was destroyed by the second and third generations of southern Glandorians, leaving only what did not pose a danger to ships - and even this, once damaged, was badly affected by the weather, and the force of the sea.

[2]Meanra is the Goddess of the Sea of the ancient Glandorians, and the patron Goddess of the tribe from which Ciosa came. The worship of Meanra and her consort Hannrans died out over seven thousand years ago, as the traditional religion of the Glandorians was supplanted by the worship of the Twelve in Avennoria and the original Glandorians in Kanapan were absorbed into the mainstream Kanapan culture, including their unique religion.

[3]The original proposed name of Port Cael was also adopted by poets as an affectionate and prosey name for the city during the height of the Kingdom of Avennoria.
« Last Edit: 09 October 2010, 18:11:18 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #1 on: 22 September 2010, 04:41:43 »

I see Seth and you make sure that the hiveling isn't forgotten :) And as I've written the Ciosa entry, I guess I should have a close look at this one:

- There are some present tense/past tense mix ups in the text. Like here:

Quote
An hour later and Ciosa himself left the ship with his friend, closer than a brother, Nikolf, and the two crossed the reef to the land. Waves to their waists batter them, but they battle on, and reach land. Falling to his knees, Ciosa seized the sand...

- Did they just walk out into the sea walking on the reef? As far as I know the reef is not directly connected to the landmass. Methinks that should be mentioned in the Ciosa entry. So you might perhaps say that they rowed out during a stormy sea in order to try to reach the land.

Maybe it's part of the myth that once they reached the land and praises their Sea Goddess that the sea was appeased and then they could save the rest. So the evacuation could have taken place by night as well, and when morning arrived it was a new dawn for the Glandorians as well.

- Grothar is a Santharian God. Maybe you also find a Glandorian name for an equivalent of Grothar.

- "Dived" shouldn't it be "dove"? Looks like both forms are actually valid...

- I see the hiveling works here as messenger to the Goddess Meanra, which you I guess at first introduces as a Sea Goddess. So the connection isn't entirely clear. Maybe you can try to elaborate a bit more what kind of Goddess she is. E.g. she could also be the Goddess of Beasts, Animals, Birds etc. (and from that comes the hiveling) Some sort of very special Glandorian version of a God.

- To fix:

Quote
He seemed to see a single apparition, a figure, stand before him;

Quote
...named Leif, who was like a son to him

Also not very English here:

Quote
When they said that they did not know, but that he had gone due west.

Quote
And while Ciosa was awed at the sight of the messenger, the sound passed all words to describe.

Okeydokey, this is a really nice story, Ath! A closer logical connection between the hiveling and the Goddess would be good to elaborate, that's the primary thing here I'd try to adjust a bit. But I really enjoyed the tale, it is also quite consistent of what we know of Ciosa and his people arriving in Southern Sarvonian lands. Aura +1 for this lovely idea :D  thumbup
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #2 on: 22 September 2010, 05:20:07 »

Thanks Art! Now, to cases.

The part with the present/past mix up I originally wrote as a continuation of the bit before (in present, for effect) but then realised I would be writing my entire tale in present if I didn't break off sooner, but I must have missed a bit. Whoops.

I really didn't know about the reef, but I assumed that it didn't just stop in the middle of the sea - that it met the land. That can easily be fixed, after all I didn't mean to contradict what's on site. I had intended them walking on, but as I say no problem changing that. Also I thought they may not have many small boats, so it was just easier - and Ciosa got a chance to be heroic! Also, a night time evacuation is dangerous - it may be symbolic, but I don't think Ciosa was stupid enough to risk people's lives on the seas in small boats at night.

I really didn't want to make up too many deities, and I assumed that as a tale among the Santharians Grothar would be a more familiar expression.

Sea Goddess...Bee Goddess...well, they rhyme! I was sort of hoping you wouldn't notice. Give me five seconds to come up with a suitable theological spiel...

Right, got it. Goddess of Sea for Glandorians equals by extension Goddess of all life - she is their main goddess. Can I do an extinct tribe's philosophy like that?

According toe the Concise OED (I looked this up when writing) dived is English, dove American.

Seemed = past, stood = past, although it sounds odd it is correct. Using a present is actually a bit odd, if you think about it.. Perhaps "Standing" (no tense!)

"Leif, who was like a son to him" - like and as mean the same thing here. In fact, "as" is stronger. "Like" is comparison, "as" is identification. It will not be changed for now, but I will bow to majority verdict (and especially seth) on this entry, as with all.

Fragment alert! *Commits suicide in shame* "When" clause should attach to next sentence. Or previous, with "whereupon".

As with "like" and "as", I think that "if" works instead of "while". "If he was awed (which he was) then ... (which must be true, QED)" I think it is ok. Reserving judgement.

And thanks for the aura!
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
seth ghibta
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 138
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 766



View Profile
« Reply #3 on: 22 September 2010, 18:53:25 »

again, wow! this is brilliant, i love the momentous sort of tone it takes so you know you're hearing something important to the history of a group of people from the very start. it's kinda what i was aiming for with the mullog origin myth, and you've got it down i think a lot better than i did. :P
i've not got much to add to Arti's gracious comments, save perhaps to elaborate on his point about bees and Meanra. it works fine as it is, but i can't help feeling it'd gain more significance if you referenced bees, or insects, or winged creatures or swarming creatures or whichever way you want to refer to them a little earlier. then you'd tie the dream to the goddess to the real apparition more clearly, so an outsider, who didn't know the attributes and nature of Meanra already would see it. i'd suggest (and this is just a suggestion, so don't feel you have to take it) that you elaborate on his prayers on that first night - it'd make sense for a few phrases to be preserved in myth form, so you could have him refer to his goddess in more formal, descriptive terms, perhaps, a little like you'd already changed it but more so. to pull a fairly foolish example out of the air "i beg you, goddess with power over the winds and waters and all that moves and breathes and stares at you unnervingly, goddess of the tiniest whale and the most enormous frog, she who makes the bees all fuzzy and stripy and who for some reason saw fit to make parasitic limpets..." etcetc. wouldn't need to go on that long, but it might get the point across? and it'd be highly quotable for modern day Ciosans looking for something to curse. ;)
as i said, that's just a suggestion to maybe tie things together a bit, it works fine as is and thankyou again for this beautiful story which will be perfect for the hivelings book. heart
Logged

violence is not the answer, but you get marks if you show your working.

Santharia needs your molluscs! donate molluscs now!
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #4 on: 22 September 2010, 19:03:06 »

"who for some reason chose to make parasitic limpets" lol

I had an idea for the religion of the Glandorians, which follows, in note/idea form and very rough, just so y'all can see where I'm coming from.

Two major deities.

Hannrans - male - the Land and the underground, and all beings living there. The gift of Fire. Masculine

Meanra - female - the Sea and the air, and all being living there. The gift of Life. Feminine

All creatures are children of Hannrans OR Meanra EXCEPT humans - i.e., Glandorians - who are children of BOTH.

Patron animal of Meanra: Bee

Patron animal of Hannrans: Bear

However the clan/group containing Ciosa were a coastal clan and so revered Meanra more than Hannrans.

OK? Or complete rubbish? It's out of whole cloth, so it's my personal ideas only.
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
seth ghibta
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 138
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 766



View Profile
« Reply #5 on: 23 September 2010, 23:24:22 »

not being much clued-in on the races and tribes concerned, i can't venture a particularly informed opinion, but if there's no pre-existing religion here i don't see that it's any great problem. the main thing'll be to get enough of this across to the reader that things link together clearly. :)
Logged

violence is not the answer, but you get marks if you show your working.

Santharia needs your molluscs! donate molluscs now!
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #6 on: 23 September 2010, 23:45:02 »

That's all I need to incorporate it!

Meanra is now the "Goddess of the Sea and of the Gift of the Sea, which is Life, and of the Breath of the Sea, which is Wind, and of all the sons and daughters thereof"

I hope it works. Bees also make "pure" life in the form of honey.

Athviaro
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
seth ghibta
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 138
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 766



View Profile
« Reply #7 on: 24 September 2010, 18:04:31 »

that's brilliant! done much more neatly and cohesively than i would have, seems to work fine. :)
Logged

violence is not the answer, but you get marks if you show your working.

Santharia needs your molluscs! donate molluscs now!
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #8 on: 24 September 2010, 22:05:32 »

Why thank you! I hope it is OK to be incorporated in the Hiveling book (or even on site), because I don't think I grip the reader as well as you do in your most recent one, and I take a few liberties, shall we say...
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
seth ghibta
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 138
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 766



View Profile
« Reply #9 on: 25 September 2010, 19:11:16 »

it's certainly welcome in the hiveling book, and i don't see why it shouldn't fit on site in its own right somewhere, as it might be a while before i can organise myself enough to get the book together.
Logged

violence is not the answer, but you get marks if you show your working.

Santharia needs your molluscs! donate molluscs now!
Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 192
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 1.321



View Profile
« Reply #10 on: 26 September 2010, 01:41:18 »

Hi Athviaro,
Congratulations for a well-told tale, describing a founding myth for one of Sarvonia’s most important cities. It’s great that we now have hiveling myths from at least four different authors, and also from many different areas. Now the Avennorians have got their hiveling myth, too! What a fruitful concept Seth’s hiveling turns out to be.
I found a few things to query, and a few formulations here and there which you might want to tweak. See what you think. All in all, it’s great that you keep your style & narrator’s voice consistent from beginning to end.
As for categorization: yes, this belongs in the planned hiveling book, but could also be classified under “Mythology - Myth/Lore – Avennorian Lore”. (An entry can have more than one classification.)



The Founding of Ciosa: A Hiveling Myth

Overview/Teaser: When the Glandorians came down from the Kanapan peninsula, under the leadership of Troi Ciosa, they landed at Gebl's Nose Cape, sinking the ship and removing the supplies. (I find this confusing: this sounds as if they destroyed their ship intentionally. Could you say something like: “… under the leadership of Troi Ciosa, their ship stranded on a riff near Gebl’s Nose.” – The supplies are maybe not so important for the overview?) Alone, (if he has a few score companions, he is not alone) in a foreign country, with no more than a few score men, women and children, Ciosa prays to the Goddess of the Sea to show him what to do. He receives a vision and sets out to found a city. (You’re switching from past to present tense half way through this paragraph.)

Reader's Notes: The reader is asked to bear in mind that Meanra is the Goddess of the Sea of the ancient Glandorians, and the patron Goddess of the tribe from which Ciosa came. The worship of Meanra and her consort Hannrans died out over seven thousand years ago, as the traditional religion of the Glandorians was supplanted by the worship of the Twelve in Avennoria and the Glandorians themselves died out at around that time. (The Glandorians didn’t exactly die out, did they? They mingled with other people to form the Avennorian upper class, I thought? Aren’t the slit ears of some present-day Avennorians supposed to be Glandorian characteristics? The very name ‘Avennorians’ means ‘the arrived ones’, which in turn refers to the Glandorians, no? Have I got that wrong?)


On the third day of the fourth month - as men reckoned time in that era - in the thirteen-thousandth year before this day, a ship was run aground on the eastern coast of what is now Manthria. It was not a particularly large ship, nor was it a particularly impressive ship - it listed heavily to larboard and was so thick with barnacles that no wood could be seen for over a ped above the waterline. However, it was a ship whose arrival heralded the start of a new kingdom, which would stretch to the north and to the south, and from sea to sea. (Impressively well written introduction; very atmospheric!)

But every mighty kingdom begins with a single city, and we are not concerned with the descendants of Ciosa, but with his own actions. (You haven’t mentioned Ciosa before – the overview doesn’t count, because it’s not part of the story itself – but here you assume that you have mentioned him. Maybe add, somewhere in paragraph 1, a sentence like: “Their captain was Troi Ciosa, who had steered the ship for ten long years, in search of a land where his people could settle.”) As he stood, proud and tall, in the prow of his ship, his heart leapt for joy at the sight of land. Bare land, true, land without ice, warm company, or the true Gods, but land nonetheless. For one reputed to have been at sea a half-score years, this was truly a joyous day.
***

As we look back across the twin expanses of space and time, over stral and eon, we see a young child appear at his side - a girl tugs on the ragged hem of his salt-encrusted garment. Turning, he vanishes back into the depths of his ship.
***

An hour later and Ciosa himself left the ship with his friend, closer than a brother, Nikolf, and the two crossed the reef to the land. Waves to their waists battered them, but they battled on, and reached land. Falling to his knees, Ciosa seized the sand in both fist and cried out, praising the Sea Goddess Meanra for her kindness and blessing. Turning back, they moved out again onto the bar, the hope in their hearts if anything increased by this difficult and treacherous journey to the land. As the famed Avennorian philosopher Johlneth summarised it in his retelling of the tale in the work Struggles "Anywhere worth going is worth fighting to reach". So they returned to the ship, and the stinging of salt was as the singing of birds, and the beating of the waves was as the soothing breath of the west wind.
***

The next morning, at the hour of low tide, the entire population of the ship went ashore, bearing food, tools, materials, anything that could be taken away. At the end, Ciosa prised up many planks, and lashed them together with stout rope from the rigging; on this raft he piled wood from the decking, sailcloth, and any things that the people had had to leave behind, after placing it in the water and lashing it to the ship. Taking an axe, he went into the bilges and opened a hole in the hull, wide as he was tall in all directions. He dived through this opening and with main strength, unaided by the fact that the tide was now coming in fast, he hauled himself onto the raft. Paddling with a piece of wood, and with a seaman's understanding of the currents, he made land, to the relief of all who awaited him. They welcomed him, and set up a camp for the night, electing him as their leader on land as on sea and naming themselves Ciosans in his honour.

A fire was built and fed with shrubs and the people celebrated late into the night. But eventually all had gone to bed, to feel the firmness of the earth beneath them instead of the unsteady rocking of a tossing ship, and to sleep secure in the knowledge that they were not going to sink while sleeping. And then and only then did Ciosa wander from the embers of the fire, where small flames still flickered, tongues licking over charred wood. He wandered down to the sea, which he had called his country for ten years, and looked at his ship, invisible but there, which he had called his home for an equal period; and he sighed. And he prayed. He knelt on the wet sand and prayed to Meanra, Goddess of the Sea and of the Gift of the Sea, which is Life, and of the Breath of the Sea, which is Wind, and mother of the sons and daughters thereof. He prayed for kindness, he prayed that he might be guided, he prayed that he could live up to the expectations of his people, he prayed that their trust in him not be disappointed. He received no answer, as he had expected. The Gods do not work so crudely. The moonlight glinted off the water; at last, for the first time in ten years, and after all of his companions, Ciosa went to bed on dry land.
***

That night he dreamed. And the dream was of a character unlike any he had had before. He seemed to see a single apparition, a figure, stood before him; yet when he tried to look at any one part of it, it seemed to lose form and dissolve. It beckoned once turned - though the sight from behind was scarcely different to that from the front. (It beckoned once turned? What does that mean? “It beckoned once, then turned”?) It moved across the ground, into a forest, and on into the distance. No matter how Troi (stick to one name; call him ‘Ciosa’ throughout; only Dostojevskij gets away with giving seven names to each major character. ;) ) tried, he could not keep up, and then his mind moved to more inconsequential things.
***

The next morning the leader of the Ciosans awoke and left his tent. He was troubled in his mind, and confessed as much to his friend, closer than a brother,(I don’t think you need to repeat that.) Nikolf. Nikolf was not a fighter, nor an artist; rather he was a thinker, tempering the rashness of the impetuous Ciosa, and he considered the problem in his quick mind, including the odd dream which Ciosa had recounted as a preliminary. (simpler: “… including the odd dream which Ciosa told him”) Then Nikolf spoke, and in a soft voice suggested that the apparition was a messenger from Meanra, and that Ciosa's path was clear; he must find the location depicted in his dream, and thus find the messenger. Ciosa accepted the words of his friend, closer than a brother,(Hm, I see. A stylistic device. I still don’t see it’s function or meaning, though. Matter of taste, possibly.) Nikolf, without question, and would have set out instantly in search of this location. But Nikolf, loyal to his friend, indicated that Ciosa could only explore a small area. Convening the Ciosans, Troi ( "Convening his people, Ciosa …”) called upon volunteers from among the healthy men to explore the area for a distance of half a day's walk, and to return at nightfall, reporting to him what they had found. A dozen strong men, including the sometime cabin boy, grown into a man aboard ship, left in all directions (“… in three directions …”) ;)  - north, south, and west - east lay only the sea.

The explorers to the north returned within an hour, reporting simple rocky beaches up to the sea. The explorer (‘explorers’ – plural?) from the strict south (delete ‘strict’?) returned with the same news by noon, and then Ciosa awaited the rest of his men. Huts were begun, but most would sleep under canvas that night again. As the sun set, a small group of men were sighted coming towards the camp. Keen-eyed Ciosa recognised eight of the men he had sent on expedition; with the three who had already returned, they still lacked one of their number. Hoarse with anguish, Ciosa demanded the whereabouts of the cabin boy, named Leif, who was as a son to him, whom he had raised from eight to eighteen years, whereupon they said that they did not know, but that he had gone due west. Swift of foot, Ciosa ran. He was pursued, his name was called, but none could catch him. Untiringly, (Tirelessly?) Ciosa ran on, until the sun was low below the horizon. (delete ‘low’, or say ‘until long after the sun had sunk below the horizon’? --- if the sun is below the horizon, you can’t (directly) see how low it is ---) Then the glint of the full moon caught his eye; seemingly balanced atop a mountain, his dream seemed to have resurrected itself. Awed, Ciosa walked forwards, almost treading on the cabin boy. Instantly, he was on his knees, shaking him, calling his name. The young man stirred, blinked, and saw his master. Relief swept through them both, and the Captain [color=yellow) <- captain[/color] helped the boy to his feet.

Turning, he saw behind him the apparition from his dream. Paralysed with shock, Ciosa and Leif watched as the being moved closer. It stopped, and Ciosa could hear buzzing. Amazed, he realised that the creature was formed of a swarm of bees. The messengers of Meanra, symbols of her greatest gift, condensers of Life into pure liquid form, totems of the Goddess Herself, formed into humanoid shape, stood before him, summoned together by the power of the Goddess. Worshipfully, he sank to his knee, and bowed his head. A voice sounded, and with awe Ciosa realised that the buzzing produced this noise, the hint of it carried along beneath the voice. It carried suggestions of plenty and freedom, of summer afternoons and flowers blooming, of a city of peace and harmony.

And then he heard the words. And if Ciosa was awed at the sight of the messenger, the sound passed all words to describe. The voice of Meanra blessed him for his humanity, for his concern for even the lowest member of his crew, and for his humility in confessing that he had no confidence in his ability to lead those who named themselves after him. And then his dream seemed to come again, for the figure beckoned and led the way into the woods, followed by Ciosa and Leif, and no mysterious force held them back. For half a half hour the two Glandorian sailors followed the earthly messenger of the Goddess of the Sea, until at last the being reached a glade. A river ran through the woods, and in a clearing on the bank the apparition pointed once at the ground, and then before their very eyes lost form and separated into a chaotic, formless swarm of bees, pouring into one of the hives at the edge of the glade. Trees groaned with fruit; hives overflowed with honey; and a river gushed through with water. Perfection seemed to Ciosa to exist right there.

And as they stood there, Captain and cabin-boy [color=yellow) <- captain[/color], the rest of the Ciosans arrived, led by his friend, closer than a brother, (Hmmm…) Nikolf, babbling and calling, but one by one falling silent as they entered the clearing. Then Ciosa turned to the assembled multitude and, in words so powerful it is said they can still be heard by those who listen, welcomed his friends and showed them the vision of happiness which the Goddess had granted to them. And he said that any city on a coast should be a port, and Port Cael should be the name. Yet the people called out that it should be named Ciosa, in honour of their leader. Unable to stop them, Ciosa allowed this and then called them all back to the camp, to fetch wood and tools and young children, and build the mighty city Port Cael - or Ciosa, as it was always referred to.

And all the glories of the Kingdom of Avennoria sprang from that one day, when Ciosa demonstrated his ability to show kindness and compassion to the lowliest, and so won the blessing of the Goddess Meanra, Goddess of the Sea and of the Gift of the Sea, which is life, and the Breath of the Sea, which is Wind.
« Last Edit: 26 September 2010, 01:56:24 by Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang » Logged

The greatest danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
Ding-dong!
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #11 on: 26 September 2010, 04:07:41 »

Hey Shaba, thanks for the comments. I'll get get onto some of that right away, but some of it I want to explain.

I don't quite get the classification, so I didn't put it in. I may delete the "A Hiveling Myth" and then put in both classifications. Probably makes most sense.

According to the History Table of the Avennorians, the arriving Glandorians scuttled the ship for supplies - if it is in the the table surely I should mention it in the background to the myth? They did sink it intentionally, in fact.

Alone with friends - "my friends and I were alone in a foreign country" - OK? Not? Dubious, I suppose. It worked when I wrote it...but then it usually does! Changed to "stranded in a foreign country"

The past/present tense is quasi-deliberate. One is what happened then. One is what happens now (ie in the story). I will put in a bit there, however. It needs it. Just "In this tale" should do it, which is what I have done.

I meant by "Glandorians" the real Glandorians, from Kanapan, who no longer exist, I think. The immigrants mingled and the original Glandorians died out. Mentioned.

"Troi" is now "Ciosa".

"Captain" should be with a  capital C  - cp "Captain Blood" or "Captain Morok Jaek". "a captain" but "the Captain" - at least in some circumstances. Here I think that in some places - where it is used as a title or name - my C is correct. Let me know anyone if this won't work, for whatever reason, please.

Edits have however been made. Peruse at leisure!

Athviaro
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #12 on: 26 September 2010, 21:14:30 »

Damn. I should have read the Ciosa entry in more depth. I need to change the end bit, because it wasn't founded as Port Cael.

Also, Arti, you have not been forgotten. I have an idea for what I can do. Over 13000 years (incidentally your entry gives it as 15000), a reef can be battered, or even purposefully dismantled. Because the old meta-reef made Ciosa unreachable, the Avennorians destroyed a large chunk of it, leaving what stands today.

I never knew I would have to break so much ground with a myth...

Is that acceptable, though, d'you think?

Athviaro
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
Artimidor Federkiel
Administrator
*****

Gained Aura: 538
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 23.098



View Profile Homepage
« Reply #13 on: 28 September 2010, 03:16:27 »

That's fine with me, Ath :) Good that we've got a couple of helpful comments on this one, so everyone chipped in to make this myth as perfect and historically accurate as it can be. So yup, just adjust it according to the latest comments the way you have it in mind, should be fine methinks! grin
Logged



"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 64
Offline Offline

Posts: 857



View Profile
« Reply #14 on: 28 September 2010, 03:50:37 »

Editados mados.

What?!?!?

Edits done. Apologies for the brief interlude of insanity.
Logged

"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
Pages: [1] 2
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1085
Latest: kmshltns01
Stats
Total Posts: 144683
Total Topics: 11053
Online Today: 74
Online Ever: 226
(06 November 2012, 05:38:23)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 78
Total: 78

Last 10 Shouts:
22 February 2019, 06:47:10
A delightful 2019 shout-out to you all ^^
21 November 2018, 23:39:14
Seems none of us can stay away ..
09 March 2018, 23:37:46
Dream goes on as long as there are dreamers my friend.
17 January 2018, 01:23:22
Oh, how I wish we could reawaken the Dream :)
16 January 2018, 11:55:48
Hello everyone!
14 September 2017, 09:40:04
Hello all! It's been a minute since I poked my nose in here. Can't remember if I ever did anything useful.
09 May 2017, 14:17:18
Ah, too bad that internet is so restricted in China, Ferra. Can't be much fun surfing the web that way if Big Brother's watching you... Hope you enjoy your stay nevertheless!
03 May 2017, 17:41:19
Hi, dear Arti and other developers!

This year I am in China and cannot use any Google services including YouTube. For this reason I stopped uploading new Nepris videos. I can also not read any comments there.

It just crossed my mind that this information might be useful to you.

Cheers

F
26 March 2017, 12:48:56
Hello to anyone that might read this. :)
22 December 2016, 02:38:16
Merry Christmas everyone!
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx