The Hero's Pool - An orcen story

Dreamer's Code
Bellring a Member
Report Mistakes/Typos
Report Easter Eggs

About Masterplans
Santhworld: Program
Santhworld: Lorehold
Santhworld: Nepris
Santhworld: Trivia
Santharia: Manthria
Nybelmar: Zhunite Pl.
Sarvonia: Icelands

World Map Overview
Distances in Caelereth
Climate Map of Sarvonia
Continent: Aeruillin
Continent: Akdor
Continent: Cyhalloi
Continent: Nybelmar
Continent: +Details NE
Continent: +Details NW
Continent: +Details SE
Continent: +Details SW
Continent: +Politics
Continent: Sarvonia
Lands: Icelands
Lands: +Tribes
Lands: Caael'heroth
Lands: Iol Peninsula
Lands: Kanapans
Lands: Kuglim Lands
Kingdom: Santharia
Kingdom: +Ancient
Kingdom: +Provinces
Kingdom: +Rivers
Kingdom: +Routes
Details: Manthria
Details: Ráhaz-Dáth
Details: Silvermarshes

Create Beasts
Create Plants
Create Races/Tribes
Create People
People Nomenclature
Create Places
Create Gods, Myths...
Create Spells/Magic
Create Library Entries
Create Misc. Stuff

Reserving Resources
Arbaon Pictures
Bard Judith Pictures
Eratin Pictures
Faugar Pictures
Grunok's Pictures
Ingeborg Pictures
Isilhir Pictures
Koldar Pictures
Linda Tso Pictures
Quellion Pictures
Quellion Pictures II
Shayan's Pictures
Seeker Pictures
Sheil Pictures
Sheil Pictures II

Proverbs & Sayings
Styrásh (Elvish)
Thergerim (Dwarvish)
Kuglimz'Seitre
Kh'omchr'om (Orcish)
Trollish

[Azhira Styralias]

This is the myth meant to originally accompany my Caaehl Mountains entry. It details how Karfu became an orcen god, and how the Kharim River was created. The myth is mean to be simple in the orcen way, nothing hugely profound. The "god" Karfu killed was a shadow dragon and the spider was inspired by Tolkien's Shelob.

The gods of the dark elves had followed them from the ruined empire. There was no hope left for the orcen brethren. The elven gods had judged the old empire and destroyed it, forcing the mortals elsewhere, scattered to the far corners of the world.

The dark-skinned ones led their orcen slaves far to the north, through forests and heaths untouched by mortals. Still farther north they went until they came to mountains high and woods dark and ominous. The orcs prayed ceaselessly but no one heard them. The dark elves had a master. The gods of the dark ones is a shadow darker than night and crueler than anything the orcs had known. Temples and altars to the Dark One were built and the orcs suffered under its harsh rule.

A time came, many seasons later, that some orcs founded their own land. At the base of the grey mountain peaks they settled, untouched by dark elven whips. Still, the Dark One watched, and the orcs were ill at ease knowing that they were still not yet free. The sun did not shine, crops did not grow and water was scarce. The Dark One ruled the grey mountains and suffered no orc to live.

It was then that the orc warrior Karfu stood and pronounced his rebellion against the Dark One. His war against the dark elves came with great victory and he drove the cruel ones away to the west. Karfu knew that banishing the mortal elves was not enough. He had to destroy the Dark One utterly and free his people from the shadow.

The shadow lay upon the land like a heavy, wet and cold blanket, darkness run down the hills and mountains to fill the valleys and suffocate all what was living there. What little growth from the ground was turned to dust. The people began to die, the men lost their strength, the unborn never saw the light of the day, children withered away and the beasts of the field became as bone in the dirt.

Kurfu had to kill the god.

He undertook a journey to the grey mountains to seek help. A powerful beast lived in the undercities of the trolls and Karfu would have her aid. He crossed much distance through mist and over stone to reach a cave at the base of ancient ruins. Upon his approach, Karfu called out to the beast inside.

"What brings you to my hovel, orc?" came the reply. "Does the Shadow drive you to me?"

Karfu held his ground. The voice was cold, with a deep rasp like the sound of stone grinding together. His hand gripped his club tighter as he watched carefully the dark cave.

"The Shadow kills my people," Karfu said. "The dark elves are driven off yet their god continues to torment us. The sun does not shine and the moon mocks us every day. The Shadow must die."

The voice from the cave laughed and Karfu stiffened wishing he could cover his ears and run far away. Yet, he did not. His people were dying and the beast in the cave was the only one who could help.

"The Shadow torments me as well," said the voice. "The mountains are cold with his presence. My prey is gone. My hunts yield nothing. I was cursed by the Shadow. I yearn for the taste of flesh once again. What do you taste like, orc?"

Karfu readied his club, ready for the beast to strike. "I am not here to feed you, creature. How do I kill the Shadow? The mountains speak of your power and even the worms of the earth know your wisdom. Yet, I know you hunt and feast upon us orcs. But the Shadow's power is greater than your own and if I defeat it, you would be free of your curse. Eat me and your suffering will be unending."

A shadow stirred within the cave. A multitude of spindly legs emerged followed by a bulbous body as large as an orcen watchtower. Malevolent eyes stared intently at Karfu as jaws dripping with powerful poison hungered for the orc.

Karfu stared up at the monstrous spider and stepped back. The spider leapt forward and caught Karfu in its jaws. The orc was to slow to move and felt small fangs bite deeply into his shoulder. With a scream, his vision exploded in bright pain and his weapon dropped to the ground.

"As tasty as you are, orc man, I will not eat you," the spider beast spoke. "You have tasted my poison and let it give you strength."

Karfu felt himself drop to the ground as the spider let him go. His body ached terribly and the pain did not go away. Yet, strangely, he felt stronger and not himself anymore. He looked up at the spider who was backing away into the cave.

"Thank you, great one," Karfu whispered.

"Destroy the Shadow, orc man," the spider said. "If you fail, know that I will feast upon your flesh and the flesh of your brethren. If you succeed, I will emerge once more to hunt your kind in seasons to come."

Karfu took his club and journeyed to the valley. A great hole was there and the rocks were sharp and tall. With his loud voice, he called to the Shadow to come down and face him. His body was strong now. His vision as keen and his courage knew no bounds. The spiders' bite had given him the power of the Shadow itself and he would be victorious in battle.

It was many days before Karfu's challenge was answered. It was if the moon itself dipped low and crawled upon the earth. Such was the darkness of the Shadow and overwhelming was its horrible presence. Karfu challenged again and came out from behind the rock he stood. He faced the great darkness before him.

"Nevermore shall you torment my people and land," Karfu called. "Come forth and be cast down never to look upon these mountain peaks again!"

The great shadow shrank and formed. Standing in the ground hole was a shape unlike any Karfu had ever seen. It was as a great lizard standing tall and terrible before him. It was made of darkness and stared at the orc with red eyes like embers. Karfu knew it to be a XXX, or dragon, born of darkness and terror.

Karfu struck first. He leapt into the hole and swung his club with all of his strength. He struck the dragon's head and with a smile of satisfaction, he heard the beast scream in agony. However, it was not to be easy to slay the shadow beast. Its jaws snapped down upon him and bit deep into his leg. Karfu rolled away and swung again. His weapon cracked as it met with the dragon's arm as it tried to claw him.

For many days did this battle rage. The dragon and the orcen slayer trading blows. The orc's great strength granted him by the mountain keeper kept him alive. His club was bloodied and broken from the many strikes he gave. It was upon the sixth night that Karfu found his victory.

The dragon's maw came to swallow the orc with one gulp. Karfu waited for the jaws to close before he making one final swing with his club. His weapon broke the beasts' skull and with a great crash, the dragon fell never to terror the land again.

Blood spilled from the broken dragon and filled the hole with its dark life. Karfu climbed out of the ruin and hugged the ground. There, he rested for a day before finally standing. With great joy, he felt the sun light grace his skin for the first time in many seasons. He stared at the great pool of blood before him. The strength from the spider bite escaped him and he was once more a mortal orc.

He thought of his people starving and of the dry dust they had been forced to eat for so long. He thought of water and rain to wash away the suffering. Karfu cast his weapon into the pool of blood. It splashed and disappeared under the surface. As he turned away, the blood pool bubbled and stirred. It became clear and sparkling. Gone was the dark blood of the shadow dragon to become water pure and beautiful.

Karfu watched proudly as the pool of water broke free of the hole and flowed strongly to the south through the mountain peaks. A river formed through his village and crops burst forth from the moist ground. Karfu nodded in satisfaction and rid himself of his unclean, bloodied clothing. He stepped into the water and gave his last exhausted breath. The pool took him under and washed away his final suffering.

In ages after, Karfu's people built great statues from the mountain stone in his honor. Karfu was no longer a mortal, nor was he dead. He had risen above the clouds, the first of many guardians of the orcen people. In his godhood, he visited the spider beast and forbade her to hunt the orcs forever more. The spider promised to do so. From then forth, the lake where the dragon was slain and Karfu died was known as the "Hen'ta Faan" or "Hero's Pool" and provided water to the orcen people forever more.

[Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels]

Huhu, Azhira, still busy! 

I'll try to have a look at it, but can't promise to be able to do it it soon!
(It is long!)

[Cruciform]

Comments in RED, as per usual. Having read through it, most of the comments will just be minor grammar, spelling, punctuation, and stylistic suggestions. The story itself is quite lovely. It's not too big, it's not too small. It has a simple style as you said it should, and I admire that, for you've done it well.

Note 1: In places, you refer to the "Shadow" and in others to the "shadow". I suggest you go through and make sure you have these in their rightful places.
Note 2: Your apostrophe use (mostly when denoting ownership) is off. You need to get your plural/singular ownership stuff straight is all.

This is the myth meant to originally accompany my Caaehl Mountains entry. It details how Karfu became an orcen god, and how the Kharim River was created. The myth is mean to be simple in the orcen way, nothing hugely profound. The "god" Karfu killed was a shadow dragon and the spider was inspired by Tolkien's Shelob.

The gods of the dark elves had followed them from the ruined empire. There was no hope left for the orcen brethren. The elven gods had judged the old empire and destroyed it, forcing the mortals elsewhere, scattered to the far corners of the world.

The dark-skinned ones led their orcen slaves far to the north, through forests and heaths untouched by mortals. Still, (this comma isn't actually necessary and it'd probably read better without it, using a different context of "still") farther north they went until they came to mountains high and woods dark and ominous. The orcs prayed ceaselessly but no one heard them. The dark elves had a master. The gods (either make this "god" or... of the dark ones is ... make this "are") a shadow (and if you make it "are", this needs to be "shadows") darker than night and crueler than anything the orcs had known. Temples and altars to the Dark One were built and the orcs suffered under its harsh rule (under the harsh rule of the temples and altars? Perhaps this would work better as "under a harsh rule" or "under harsh rule").

A time came, (this comma doesn't need to be here either) many seasons later, that some orcs founded their own land. At the base of the grey mountain peaks they settled, untouched by dark elven whips. Still, the Dark One watched, and the orcs were ill at ease knowing that they were still not yet free. The sun did not shine, crops did not grow and water was scarce. The Dark One ruled the grey mountains and suffered no orc to live.

It was then that the orc warrior Karfu stood and pronounced his rebellion against the Dark One. His war against the dark elves came with great victory and he drove the cruel ones away to the west. Karfu knew that banishing the mortal elves was not enough. He had to destroy the Dark One utterly and free his people from the shadow.

Karfu knew it would not be simple. The sun was covered for many seasons as the Dark One punished him for his war. What little growth came from the ground was turned to dust. His people began to die, children withered away and the beasts of the field became as bones (I suggest an "s" here to emphasise the many-ness) in the dirt. Karfu knew it was the Dark One's cruelty, and the orc warrior vowed not to bend to the dark elven god again.

Karfu undertook a journey in (because as far as I'm aware, they live in/on the grey mountains. The only thing for him would be to travel further into the range) to the grey mountains to seek help. A powerful beast lived in the undercities of the trolls and Karfu would have her aid. He crossed much distance through mist and over stone to reach a cave at the base of ancient ruins. Upon his approach, Karfu called out to the beast inside.

"What brings you to my hovel, orc?" came the reply. "Does the Shadow drive you to me?"

Karfu held his ground. The voice was cold, with a deep rasp like the sound of stone grinding together. His hand gripped his club tighter as he watched carefully the dark cave carefully.

"The Shadow kills my people," Karfu said. "The dark elves are driven off, yet their god continues to torment us. The sun does not shine and the moon mocks us every day. The Shadow must die."

The voice from the cave laughed and Karfu stiffened, wishing he could cover his ears and run far away.; Yyet, he did not. His people were dying and the beast in the cave was the only one who could help.

"The Shadow torments me as well," said the voice. "The mountains are cold with his presence. My prey is gone. My hunts yield nothing. I was cursed by the Shadow. I yearn for the taste of flesh once again. What do you taste like, orc?"

Karfu readied his club, ready for the beast to strike. "I am not here to feed you, creature. How do I kill the Shadow? The mountains speak of your power and even the worms of the earth know your wisdom. Yet, I know you hunt and feast upon us orcs. But the Shadow's power is greater than your own and if I defeat it, you would be free of your curse. Eat me, and your suffering will be unending."

A shadow stirred within the cave. A multitude of spindly legs emerged followed by a bulbous body as large as an orcen watchtower. Malevolent eyes stared intently at Karfu as jaws dripping with powerful poison hungered for the orc.

Karfu stared up at the monstrous spider and stepped back. The spider leapt forward and caught Karfu in its jaws. The orc was to slow to move and felt small fangs (really? Small? Perhaps, "fangs as long as his forearm" would be more likely. I don't think that a spider as big as you've described would have "small" fangs) bite deeply into his shoulder. With a scream, his vision exploded in bright pain and his weapon dropped to the ground.

"As tasty as you are, orc man, I will not eat you," the spider beast spoke (with him still in from of her mandible?). "You have tasted my poison and let it give you strength." (tasted seems like the wrong word. It's a little odd. Perhaps something like, "Your body knows my poison" or some such?)

Karfu felt himself drop to the ground as the spider let him go. (maybe this should come before she speaks?) His body ached terribly and the pain did not go away. Yet, strangely, he felt stronger and not himself anymore. He looked up at the spider who was backing away into the cave.

"Thank you, great one," Karfu whispered.

"Destroy the Shadow, orc man," the spider said. "If you fail, know that I will feast upon your flesh and the flesh of your brethren. If you succeed, I will emerge once more to hunt your kind in seasons to come." (So, win or lose, his people are screwed?)

Karfu took his club and journeyed to the valley. A great hole was there and the rocks were sharp and tall. (I just want to congratulate you on this past sentence. That is truly brilliant. I'm giving you +Aura when I'm done here, just for that sentence. That's beautiful) With his loud voice, he called to the Shadow to come down and face him. His body was strong now. His vision was keen and his courage knew no bounds. The spider's' (there was one spider, so it is the spider's bite) bite had given him the power of the Shadow itself and he would be victorious in battle.

It was many days before Karfu's challenge was answered. It was as if the moon itself dipped (dipped is odd) dived(?) low and crawled upon the earth. Such was the darkness of the Shadow, and overwhelming was its horrible presence. Karfu challenged again and he came out from behind the rock he and stood, . He faced facing the great darkness before him.

"Nevermore shall you torment my people and land," Karfu called. "Come forth and be cast down never to look upon these mountain peaks again!"

The great shadow shrank and formed took on form ("formed" is blunt and a little off-putting). Standing in the ground hole was a shape unlike any Karfu had ever seen. It was as a great lizard is, standing tall and terrible before him. It was made of darkness and stared at the orc with red eyes like embers. Karfu knew it to be a XXX (I don't know why this is here. What else does it need to be? Perhaps call it a serpent? I think, though, that anyone would know a dragon if they saw one, even if they hadn't seen one before), or dragon, born of darkness and terror.

Karfu struck first. He leapted (one of my minor pet peeves is the use of "t" instead of "ed". You pronounce it the same, even with the "ed", but "t" is incorrect. I think it's an American thing to use it) into the hole and swung his club with all of his strength. He struck the dragon's head and with a smile of satisfaction, he heard the beast scream in agony. However, it was not to be easy to slay the shadow beast. Its jaws snapped down upon him and bit deep into his leg. Karfu rolled away and swung again (did he roll away after it let go, or is he missing part of his leg now? That'd be pretty cool... he'd get all the orcen wenches... wenches LOVE scars and... amputations). His weapon cracked as it met with the dragon's arm as it tried to claw him (as it, as it, as it, as it. "The dragon tried to claw him, but Karfu's club struck its arm and cracked").

For many days did this battle rage., Tthe dragon and the orcen slayer trading blows. The orc's great strength granted to him by the mountain keeper kept him alive. His club was bloodied and broken from the many strikes he gave. It was upon the sixth night that Karfu found his victory.

The dragon's maw came to swallow the orc with one gulp. Karfu waited for the jaws to close before he making made one final swing with his club. His weapon broke the beast's' (one beast. It is the beast's skull) skull and with a great crash, the dragon fell, never to terrorise the land again.

Blood spilled from the broken dragon and filled the hole with its dark life. Karfu climbed out of the ruin and hugged the ground. There, he rested for the night and (suggestion, et cetera. <Reason for it>. Cool) a day before finally standing. With great joy, he felt the sunlight (sunlight is one word) grace his skin for the first time in many seasons. He stared at the great pool of blood before him. The strength from the spider bite escaped him and he was once more a mortal orc.

He thought of his people starving and of the dry dust they had been forced to eat for so long. He thought of water and rain to wash away the suffering. Karfu cast his weapon into the pool of blood. It splashed and disappeared under the surface. As he turned away, the blood pool bubbled and stirred. It became clear and sparkling. Gone was the dark blood of the shadow dragon to become water, pure and beautiful.

Karfu watched proudly as the pool of water broke free of the hole and flowed strongly to the south through the mountain peaks. A river formed through his village and crops burst forth from the moist ground. Karfu nodded in satisfaction and rid himself of his unclean, bloodied clothing. He stepped into the water and gave his last exhausted breath. The pool took him under and washed away his final suffering.

In ages after, Karfu's people built great statues from the mountain stone in his honour. Karfu was no longer a mortal, nor was he dead. He had risen above the clouds, the first of many guardians of the orcen people. In his godhood, he visited the spider beast and forbade her to hunt the orcs forever more. The spider promised to do so. From then forth on (forth sounds odd here), the lake where the dragon was slain and Karfu died was known as the "Hen'ta Faan" or "Hero's Pool" and provided water to the orcen people forever more.

*Claps* a kaleidoscopic +Aura for this, but mostly just for that one brilliant, lovely, beautiful, awesome sentence! I love you for that sentence.

EDIT: Oh, and I probably missed most of the American English -> British English stuff other than that "honor/honour" bit. We use British English here, don't we?

[Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr]

You are right in saying we use BrE here, but this here is, especially in view of that, incorrect.

He leapted (one of my minor pet peeves is the use of "t" instead of "ed". You pronounce it the same, even with the "ed", but "t" is incorrect. I think it's an American thing to use it)

Sorry, Cruci. That's wrong. The -t ending is in fact less American than English. I almost always use "leapt". (Just to annoy you, this is in parentheses . "Leapt" and "Leaped" are not pronounced the same way. One is "lept" and the other is "leeped", which is sometimes mangled slightly to "leept".)

According to Mr. Fowler (edited by Burchfield)
"-t and -ed. Problems arise in a number of irregular verbs which have competing forms for the pa.t [past tense] and/or the pa.pple [past participle]. They differ often in not only having rival forms in -t and -ed but also in some cases having a different vowel sound before the termination (e.g. leapt and leaped). Nor is it possible in every case to say in what circumstances the final sound is /t/ or /d/, even when the world is spelt with -ed. The distribution of the variant forms in Britain and in English-speaking countries abroad is for the most part not determinable in any precise way, though in most of the verbs the Americans show a marked preference for the forms in-ed. The main verbs affected are listed below. Further details of each are to be found under the individual words themselves at their alphabetical place.

[List of verbs]

See also LEARNED"

There you go. So change nothing, Azzy. In fact, if you'd used "leaped", he might have been justified asking you to change it to leapt.

Anyhow. Glad to be of immensely irritating grammar service.

Ath

[Artimidor Federkiel]

I see Cruci has covered some things I've seen as well, definitely some good points there. So you might take in some of the suggestion. Here's a few notes from my side as well:

- As usual we need an intro at the beginning of the text, ideally with a suggestion in which book we shall place it. Here especially it would be necessary to explain a bit how the Compendium could lay hands on this myth, so someone might have translated it from orcen sources or something like that.

- Don't understand the following sentence:

The Dark One ruled the grey mountains and suffered no orc to live.

Maybe it's an expression of sorts, of which I'm not aware of, because Cruci didn't have a problem with it.

- Too much readiness here, could be slightly changed:

Karfu readied his club, ready for the beast to strike.

- Slight fix necessary here:

The orc was too slow to move and felt small fangs...

- After the spider has spoken, Cruci remarks: "So, win or lose, his people are screwed?" That's a good point, because it looks like that there's nothing to win for the orcs.

But an orc would probably see it that way: In the fight lies the honour, so it's fight or perish. An orc would see in the elimination of the prime enemy the chance to challenge the second one. So maybe the spider could actually claim that she will fight the orcs in league with the Shadow if he fails, otherwise she might spare him and just hunt for orcs as is her nature. So she could say something like: "In the fight lies your life, your life and mine. But you need to choose your enemy."

However, I see that with the end of your story this would be a contradiction. That's a bit strange, because the way the story ends it has a "happy end" and orcs and spider live happily ever after. So I put my suggestion up for consideration at this point - maybe the orcs eventually killed the spider as well after a decent fight?

- *Looks suspiciously at Cruci for his peculiar taste of "brilliant sentences".*

- So what's the "XXX"? XXX or a dragon? A twisted form of mystran maybe? Hmm... You continue on, however, making it pretty clear that it's a dragon, so... The shadow aspect seems a bit gone during the fight, only in the end it reappears with the dark blood etc. Could be strengthened a bit more.

- To fix:

However, it was not to [] easy to slay the shadow beast.

- Okeydokey, I also give you an aura +1, Azhira! Not for special sentences, but for a nicely told myth!  Well done

[Cruciform]

(Just to annoy you, this is in parentheses . "Leapt" and "Leaped" are not pronounced the same way. One is "lept" and the other is "leeped", which is sometimes mangled slightly to "leept".)

This isn't fiction, sirrah, so it doesn't annoy me. *Grin*

I didn't mean that 'leapt' and 'leaped' are only pronounced the same way. I just meant that 'leaped' can be pronounced as 'leapt'. I view 'leapt' as a bastardisation of language, like 'lite' or 'thru'. As such, I will cull the bastard-child of clashing dialects, et cetera. Umm... YAAAAAAHHH. </warcry>


As per Artimidor's comments:

The Dark One ruled the grey mountains and suffered no orc to live.

-I was going to comment on this and suggest it be changed to "and suffer no orc's life" or some such, but then I realised that it had the exact same meaning. It's not really an expression or anything. It's just a slightly more articulate use of the English language.

Karfu readied his club, ready for the beast to strike.

-I must have looked over this repetition. I don't really look for this sort of thing when reading normally, and I often read a sentence two or three times when proofreading it, so I look over simple things as well. Perhaps "waiting for the beast to strike"?

-Nice spotting on the the "to/too" there, Arti.

-On the note of the spider's dialogue, I wouldn't change that bit too much... it's odd, but it's right. It just needs to be worded slightly differently on the "winning" condition so it doesn't sound like such a downside. Like a "if you win and you're awesome, well, we'll see what happens" kind of?

-Hey... that sentence is brilliant in its simplicity. It's not too complex and it's subtle enough in its surroundings that you don't really notice it. It's like the perfect ambient score in a film. Not too loud, not too soft. Just perfectly average in every way, but brilliant in that.


... that's it.

[Azhira Styralias]

In case you readers missed it, the myth includes some references to the local region.

- Spiders. The spider "queen" is a mythical beast the size of Shelob. She is no doubt hundreds of years old and rules the spiders in the Caaehl mountains. However, as powerful as she is, even she can't withstand Coor's power. So she helps Karfu by giving him strength from her poison bite. Her last comment is supposed to be ominous. In other words, Karfu must succeed to save his people. However, the spider warns that whether he succeeds or not, she will still be an enemy to the orcs. It would be unrealistic to have the spider make a promise never to eat any orcs ever again! She is meant to be a villain and she aids Karfu once, for the sake both of them.

- The Shadow is meant to represent Coor (the orcs do not know him by that name of course). However, Karfu doesn't fight a "god" in that sense. Instead, he fights a representation of Coor in the form of a shadow dragon (netherwyrm perhaps). Remember, Coor is at work nearby with the future construction of the Deep Winds Portal and the coming of the Mists. In other words, the Shadow is a foreshadow of things to come. Karfu succeeds in killing the Shadow and the tribe thrives in the Caaehl with their Kharim river afterwards.

Remember! This is a myth not much older than Fá'áv'cál'âr itself.

[Cruciform]

- Spiders. The spider "queen" is a mythical beast the size of Shelob. She is no doubt hundreds of years old and rules the spiders in the Caaehl mountains. However, as powerful as she is, even she can't withstand Coor's power. So she helps Karfu by giving him strength from her poison bite. Her last comment is supposed to be ominous. In other words, Karfu must succeed to save his people. However, the spider warns that whether he succeeds or not, she will still be an enemy to the orcs. It would be unrealistic to have the spider make a promise never to eat any orcs ever again! She is meant to be a villain and she aids Karfu once, for the sake both of them.
The bolded is perfect. Change the dialogue so that it gets that meaning exactly. Perhaps something along the lines of, "if you don't succeed, I'll eat of your brethren, but remember that even if you do succeed, any orcs that come along my path are, like, totez mine". That would be a lot less vague than the current bad/bad prediction of an ending.

- The Shadow is meant to represent Coor (the orcs do not know him by that name of course). However, Karfu doesn't fight a "god" in that sense. Instead, he fights a representation of Coor in the form of a shadow dragon (netherwyrm perhaps). Remember, Coor is at work nearby with the future construction of the Deep Winds Portal and the coming of the Mists. In other words, the Shadow is a foreshadow of things to come. Karfu succeeds in killing the Shadow and the tribe thrives in the Caaehl with their Kharim river afterwards.
This could be in the introduction? Or a version of it, perhaps?

[Azhira Styralias]

Thanks Cruci and Arti! Your comments are always welcomed. 

I am waiting on comments from Talia before I work on this. Likely she'll have me revise a majority of the myth to suit her! That's my Talia, wouldn't have any other way  

[Artimidor Federkiel]

Just make sure to make this XXX part a bit clearer, maybe write that the shadow took shape as a representation of the orc's greatest fears or something. This is a bit unclear, especially as you write that the orc knew it to be an XXX, so this needs to be a bit better elaborated

[Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels]

Azhira, unfortunately I need to leave a bit earlier than I thought, but I'll print it out , so I can read it on the train. 

( and I admit, I  played WoW today, the new addon is out... coool..)

[Azhira Styralias]

As for this entry...

I haven't even looked at this myth since everyone commented...what was supposed to be a simple myth has turned into a laborious exercise which I don't have the energy to deal with...

[Azhira Styralias]

I have moved this to the Library. It is more of an ancient story and belongs here than a myth.

It should be categorized under Lore of the North

[Artimidor Federkiel]

Are you working on it as well to get it finished, Azhira? Would be another cool myth for the North! We don't have that much up there yet, at least not in this book...  

[Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels]

I'm sure I have commented on this one, but it is not here. Could it be, that I was away from my comp and made notices on PAPER???

Azhira, it it is a cool story/myth...  

Edit: found it!

Azhira:

I haven't even looked at this myth since everyone commented...what was supposed to be a simple myth has turned into a laborious exercise which I don't have the energy to deal with...

Azhira, I hope you don't mind.. I just found a longer comment on it, which I had forgot to post. It is quite detailed. If it is to much, just skip it.

Will take some time, till I have coloured all the stuff etc..

   About this Board
   Dev Introduction
   Developer's 1x1
   Technical Forum Stuff
   Advanced Forum Help
   Testing Thread
   Where's the game?

Advanced search

[Members]

Members Total Members: 990 Latest: Ryvic Darkveil Stats Total Posts: 140937 Total Topics: 10685 Online Today: 56 Online Ever: 125 (21 June 2007, 19:36:12) Users Online Users: 2 Guests: 26 Total: 28 Vesk Lyricahl Garret Arroway

[Seeker]

Last 10 Shouts: Seeker Yesterday at 07:41:35 Are Shabby and Dek the same person in my mind.  Strange. Artimidor Federkiel 20 May 2012, 10:38:19 Ah yes, forgot to point out to Shabakuk that Chapter 5 is ready for testing - will do so now! Deklitch Hardin 18 May 2012, 09:35:51 I am pleased it is going well for you though Seeker ... can't wait to try it and die. Deklitch Hardin 18 May 2012, 09:35:13 No, I didn't Seeker. I think it is Master Anfang who is doing the testing Seeker 18 May 2012, 08:30:42 Dek-   shoals is going very well.  Art is starting on chapter 6. A very important chapter.  Did you test chapter 5? Valan Nonesuch 15 May 2012, 05:41:48 *Valan filches some parchments from around the corners of the pile before sauntering off attempting to look casual and tripping over the hem of his robes.* Bard Judith 14 May 2012, 07:33:29 Waiiiiiit!   (Bard staggers back with a pile of Unfinished Projects so high her arms are trembling)  Let me stuff mine in there before you lock the room!  *looks guiltily around and snatches the Quenyss parchment off the top of the stack* Deklitch Hardin 13 May 2012, 08:12:31 and throw the key into the deepest river we can find, or the midst of one of the volcanoes Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin 13 May 2012, 03:19:29 Then I say we lock the Unfinished Projects room.  If Arti ever gets in there.... big trouble. Deklitch Hardin 13 May 2012, 02:54:30 I'm amazed you can see the Altario projects pile considering it is dwarfed by my unfinished projects. For which I apologise.

[Seeker]

Seeker

[Artimidor Federkiel]

Artimidor Federkiel

[Deklitch Hardin]

Deklitch Hardin

[Deklitch Hardin]

Deklitch Hardin

[Seeker]

Seeker

[Valan Nonesuch]

Valan Nonesuch

[Bard Judith]

Bard Judith

[Deklitch Hardin]

Deklitch Hardin

[Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin]

Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin

[Deklitch Hardin]

Deklitch Hardin

[Artimidor]

	Powered by SMF 1.1.16 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream