The Hero's Pool - An orcen story

Comment written 13.12.2010, not posted though...

Yeah for a great story! thumbup

--> I fear I mixed my colours up

Hey Azhira! Finally! It took me longer to write down all my ideas than I thought. Please see it all as a proposal, take parts of it or all (which of course I would find the best solution

). I wanted to show different possibilities at first, but then I decided against it - it would have taken me too long. So I choose the way I would write it. An slight alteration of your Cael mountain entry would be necessary, but that should be no problem.

I assume now, that you don‘t want to fill the whole myth template, but only want to write the myth with the teaser.
As Art already said, you need to put quite a bit of information in that teaser, information you can skip for in the story itself to make it tougher. However, I treat the story as if the reader doesn‘t know the teaser. If you would publish it, it would have to go without also.

So let‘s start. You want to write the myth about how Kurfu became a god and how the Kharim river was created, right?

I see two major problems in this submission:

the slow start
the shadow turning to a real beast of bones and blood

All other nitpicks are just my preference.

Let‘s start now

Don‘t get worried, when you see what I have cut away, it is for the best !

The gods of the dark elves had followed them from the ruined empire. There was no hope left for the orcen brethren. The elven gods had judged the old empire and destroyed it, forcing the mortals elsewhere, scattered to the far corners of the world.

The dark-skinned ones led their orcen slaves far to the north, through forests and heaths untouched by mortals. Still, farther north they went until they came to mountains high and woods dark and ominous. The orcs prayed ceaselessly but no one heard them. The dark elves had a master. The gods of the dark ones is a shadow darker than night and crueler than anything the orcs had known. Temples and altars to the Dark One were built and the orcs suffered under its harsh rule.

A time came, many seasons later, that some orcs founded their own land. At the base of the grey mountain peaks they settled, untouched by dark elven whips. Still, the Dark One watched, and the orcs were ill at ease knowing that they were still not yet free. The sun did not shine, crops did not grow and water was scarce. The Dark One ruled the grey mountains and suffered no orc to live.

It was then that the orc warrior Karfu stood and pronounced his rebellion against the Dark One. His war against the dark elves came with great victory and he drove the cruel ones away to the west. Karfu knew that banishing the mortal elves was not enough. He had to destroy the Dark One utterly and free his people from the shadow. Karfu knew it would not be simple.

You want to write about Kurfu. Don‘t bore your readers with people they don‘t know and about long ruined empires which don‘t interest anyone anymore. Don‘t talk about a history which is gone and has not much consequences for now. You are too narrative for a beginning. Most readers would not get over the first two paragraphs. You give a bit ( a little land, a little freedom), but not enough. What I find a bit confusing is that first Kurfu rebells against the god of these elves, then he wars the elves, then the god again... Nothing which really touches you deeply. As I told you, the more days went by, the more I turned your story around. My final proposal would be: Skip what I outlined above, put, what you find necessary in the teaser. (But it is not necessary even there. You could write it if putting the whole template around the myth.)

Azhira, let your reader suffer with Kurfu and your orcs, make it as depressive as possible, but clearer as above also:

[Content first part]

The orcs had come to these lands with dark elves as their masters, as their slaves (or part of this land had been given to them). Kurfu initiated a rebellion against those dark elves and was partially successful, they had a little land for themselves. But the god of these dark elves punished him and his people for that insurgence.

To grab your reader, you need at the beginning a strong description of that punishment. Maybe first without mentioning, that it was a punishment at all.

The sun was covered for many seasons ~~as the Dark One punished him for his war.~~ What little growth from the ground was turned to dust. His people began to die, children withered away and the beasts of the field became as bone in the dirt. [/url]

Not strong enough. The sun is often covered, so is that something special, a bit longer... What about something like this (included your words):

The shadow lay upon the land like a heavy, wet and cold blanket, darkness run down the hills and mountains to fill the valleys and suffocate all what was living there. What little growth from the ground was turned to dust. The people began to die, the men lost their strength, the unborn never saw the light of the day, children withered away and the beasts of the field became as bone in the dirt.

Kurfu had to kill the god.

Expand a bit on this {ok, I did already}, write the strongest expressions at the beginning, think about every single word. When you have painted a strong image you can introduce Kurfu and give a short retrospect of why this all happens which will come. The orange part from above, worded well.

This all must lead to Kurfu‘s conviction, that he has to fight the god himself.
(he could have come to this opinion also if the elves where just to strong, a strongness which comes from their god and therefore he has to kill the god to be able to be victorious, but you have it the other way round, that the god punishes, that is fine as well)

Note: I did not write:
Kurfu knew, that he had to kill their god. or
Kurfu realised, that he has to kill the god.

Shorter is better!

Now, orange part, then first description of the god=shadow.
Describe the god as the shadow, again a new picture what this shadow does to the orcs and their land. What the coldness does.

~~Karfu knew it was the Dark One's cruelty and the orc warrior vowed not to bend to the dark elven god again.~~

Don‘t tell, show us pictures!

******************************

Karfu undertook a journey to the grey mountains to seek help.

Boring. Tell us how dangerous the journey was, maybe he lost his companions? Let your readers tremble, that he might not succeed. Not too long though!

A powerful beast lived in the undercities of the trolls and Karfu would have her aid.

Skip trolls and undercities, they are just distracting. Give us a sentence or more what Kurfu believes, that might be there. Why should this beast be able to help him against a god? You could give there a hint, that this beast hates the dark elves, even if you don‘t give away, why. ---> The reason could be, that it is either a local god of the spiders, or a spider gone god through the magic the elves used on them long (or not so long) ago.

He crossed much distance through mist and over stone to reach a cave at the base of ancient ruins.

See last remark to the journey. The cave and ancient ruins are fine though.

Upon his approach, Karfu called out to the beast inside.

Nah, , Upon his approach‘ sounds as if he walks casually in, but that is maybe my lack of good English. Let him approach cautiously, grab his weapon tighter, we need to shiver with him! What calls he out?

"What brings you to my hovel, orc?" came the reply. "Does the Shadow drive you to me?"

Hmm, I don‘t know, if I as spider would already mention the shadow.. Don‘t know.

The voice was cold, with a deep rasp like the sound of stone grinding together. Karfu‘s hand gripped his club tighter as he watched carefully the dark cave, but he held his ground.

That‘s better! The goosebumbs are coming!

"The Shadow kills my people," Karfu said. "The dark elves are driven off yet their god continues to torment us. The sun does not shine and the moon mocks us every day. The Shadow must die."

The voice from the cave laughed and Karfu stiffened wishing he could cover his ears and run far away. Yet, he did not. His people were dying and the beast in the cave was the only one who could help.

Now you are going too quickly forward for my taste. Why should the spider admit, that it suffers also? I would let her ask, why she should help ... And then she comes out. „What do you taste like, orc?“ Description! Kurfu masters again the need to run away. He then tells her, the shadow torments her (and her spiders as well). Maybe it would be necessary, that Kurfu knows already, that this beast is a spider.

"The Shadow torments me as well," said the voice. "The mountains are cold with his presence. My prey is gone. My hunts yield nothing. I was cursed by the Shadow. I yearn for the taste of flesh once again. What do you taste like, orc?"

Karfu readied his club, ready for the beast to strike. "I am not here to feed you, creature.

"The Shadow torments you as well," he said. "The mountains are cold with his presence.Your prey is gone. Your hunts yield nothing. You have been cursed by the Shadow also. You yearn for the taste of flesh once again. So tell me....

How do I kill the Shadow? The mountains speak of your power and even the worms of the earth know your wisdom. More praise! Yet, I know you hunt and feast upon us orcs. But the Shadow's power is greater than your own and if I defeat it, you would be free of your curse. Eat me and your suffering will be unending."

That‘s good!

A shadow stirred within the cave. A multitude of spindly legs emerged followed by a bulbous body as large as an orcen watchtower. Thick white hair covered the whole body Malevolent eyes stared intently at Karfu as jaws dripping with powerful poison hungered for the orc. <<<< Description above! I like it!

Now I would introduce some more tension. Risk is a great thing for that. What do you think of following.

The spider promises Kurfu to help him, but he has to trust her, he has to risk that she betrays him and just eats him up. She promises him, that her poison might help him to gain the strength to fight the shadow, but that, if he is weak, he may well just die. Kurfu takes the risk, he has nothing to loose.

Karfu stared up at the monstrous spider and stepped back, but only one step . The spider leapt forward and caught Karfu in its jaws. The orc ~~was to slow to move and~~ felt small fangs bite deeply into his shoulder. With a scream, his vision exploded in bright pain and his weapon dropped to the ground.

I would propose to make them huge fangs which only scratch him a bit.

"As tasty as you are, orc man, I will not eat you," the spider beast spoke. "You have tasted my poison and let it give you strength."

Karfu felt himself drop to the ground as the spider let him go. His body ached terribly and the pain did not go away.

Let him nearly die of fever and then recover

Yet, strangely, he felt stronger and not himself anymore. He looked up at the spider who was backing away into the cave.

"Thank you, great one," Karfu whispered.

I think you need a weapon as a gift from the spider also, for how do you want to fight a shadow dragon with a normal club? I would propose that (for the coming story also) she either cuts a part of her claw and gives him that as a kind of spear, sword, whatever, or at least a bag(bladder) full of her poison in which he could tab his club, spear etc.. It is a myth after all, and where she took that bag from is not of interest. Maybe now would be the time/chance to give the spider a name, where she gives Kurfu her name, and maybe that could be the beginning of a kind of veneration also (see later)

"Destroy the Shadow, orc man," the spider said. "If you fail, know that I will feast upon your flesh and the flesh of your brethren. If you succeed, I will emerge once more to hunt your kind in seasons to come, but I‘ll give you a gift also."

I‘m not sure about the second half of that part, maybe you could spin more out of that

Karfu took his club and journeyed to the valley. A great hole was there and the rocks were sharp and tall. With his loud voice, he called to the Shadow to come down and face him. His body was strong now. His vision as keen and his courage knew no bounds. The spiders' bite had given him the power of the Shadow itself and he would be victorious in battle.

Why did he go to this place? How did he know, where to call for the shadow? Could it be, that it was an old place, where the elves had an temple?

It was many days before Karfu's challenge was answered. It was if the moon itself dipped low and crawled upon the earth. Such was the darkness of the Shadow and overwhelming was its horrible presence. Karfu challenged again and came out from behind the rock he stood. He faced the great darkness before him.

Yes!
"Nevermore shall you torment my people and land," Karfu called. "Come forth and be cast down never to look upon these mountain peaks again!"

Yes!

The great shadow shrank and formed. Standing in the ground hole was a shape unlike any Karfu had ever seen. It was as a great lizard standing tall and terrible before him. It was made of darkness and stared at the orc with red eyes like embers. Karfu knew it to be a XXX, or dragon, born of darkness and terror.

Yes!

Karfu struck first. He leapt into the hole and swung his club with all of his strength. He struck the dragon's head and with a smile of satisfaction, he heard the beast scream in agony. However, it was not to be easy to slay the shadow beast. Its jaws snapped down upon him and bit deep into his leg. Karfu rolled away and swung again. His weapon cracked as it met with the dragon's arm as it tried to claw him.

For many days did this battle rage. The dragon and the orcen slayer trading blows. The orc's great strength granted him by the mountain keeper kept him alive. His club was bloodied and broken from the many strikes he gave. It was upon the sixth night that Karfu found his victory.

The dragon's maw came to swallow the orc with one gulp. Karfu waited for the jaws to close before he making one final swing with his club. His weapon broke the beasts' skull and with a great crash, the dragon fell never to terror the land again.

Not good, in my opinion, the change from shadow dragon to beast which has blood and a scull, which can be broken. That makes it less fearsome, nearly normal. Kurfu would not have lasted this long, with a bite in his leg.
Keep it a shadow presence. In the form of a dragon. Kurfu has his special weapon from the spider, with the poison, which - obviously - the dragon fears. So his shadow form moves away, when Kurfu tries to hit. It could alter its form as well, get bigger or suddenly a limb is missing, floating back into the main form.
Kurfu himself is hit as well in a way by the shadow - like a blow. AND he feels the strength of the spider get less with each blow from the dragon.

And then comes a time, where he fears he will loose the last of this strength and though the shadow is less substantial now, he is still present.

Risk time again. (describe his doubts!) Finally he throws the weapon through the heart of the beast (or where he thinks it is) and the shadow vanishes.

Of course you have no carcass, no blood. But I think it would fit better to the shadow idea and explain, why there is this shadow still present farther north. He has just given up to dominate those lands and people.

Kurfu faints. He wakes up, when water is touching his face, his body. He looks up, raises and sees, that the weapon has hit the huge mountain wall and that this wall has sprung apart and water emerges from there, which has filled up a pond. Water from the full pond runs in rivulets down the hillside and forms finally the Kharim river. This split apart rock wall forms finally the two mountains you mentioned in the Caael entry.

Kurfu takes a bath in this pond and feels the strength from the spider replaced by a different strength, a much healthier one.. Bla, bla, think of something (he is now a god)

He steps down the mountain, chases the rest of the dark elves away and finally journeys into the sky, where he watches out for the shadow to never to return.

From that day on, the orcs find a new, strange kind of spider in the mountains, as huge as the others, but white as the snow. These spiders attack the orcs only if threatened, the orcs themselves venerate these spiders and don‘t kill them, but in a ritual, these spiders are caught and their poison, which is tenfold stronger than that of any other spider, it harvested and the spider released afterwards. This poison is used for...

Blood spilled from the broken dragon and filled the hole with its dark life. Karfu climbed out of the ruin and hugged the ground. There, he rested for a day before finally standing. With great joy, he felt the sun light grace his skin for the first time in many seasons. He stared at the great pool of blood before him. The strength from the spider bite escaped him and he was once more a mortal orc.

He thought of his people starving and of the dry dust they had been forced to eat for so long. He thought of water and rain to wash away the suffering. Karfu cast his weapon into the pool of blood. It splashed and disappeared under the surface. As he turned away, the blood pool bubbled and stirred. It became clear and sparkling. Gone was the dark blood of the shadow dragon to become water pure and beautiful.

Karfu watched proudly as the pool of water broke free of the hole and flowed strongly to the south through the mountain peaks. A river formed through his village and crops burst forth from the moist ground. Karfu nodded in satisfaction and rid himself of his unclean, bloodied clothing. He stepped into the water and gave his last exhausted breath. The pool took him under and washed away his final suffering.

In ages after, Karfu's people built great statues from the mountain stone in his honor. Karfu was no longer a mortal, nor was he dead. He had risen above the clouds, the first of many guardians of the orcen people. In his godhood, he visited the spider beast and forbade her to hunt the orcs forever more. The spider promised to do so. From then forth, the lake where the dragon was slain and Karfu died was known as the "Hen'ta Faan" or "Hero's Pool" and provided water to the orcen people forever more.

See spider above!

Oh Azhira, don‘t think I did not like your story. I would not have spent so much time if i hadn‘t. It is a great story!