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Author Topic: Troi Ciosa: Founder of a Nation  (Read 12951 times)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #30 on: 09 March 2011, 15:49:52 »

School's first, Ath! Take your time with this one, no problem!  thumbup
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #31 on: 24 May 2011, 05:19:07 »

Push
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #32 on: 24 May 2011, 06:59:31 »

Thanks Ta'lia. I hadn't forgotten, and I made some edits when I was supposed to be revising, but I lost them :( Shouldn't have made them straight in IE.

Edits will be forthcoming, presumably in the liminal - love that word - space between GCSE exams and GCSE results.

Ath
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« Reply #33 on: 25 May 2011, 08:22:24 »

I have changed your icon here back to the pencil, Athviaro, as I can see you are working on your edits to it. I'll give it another look over once you've attended to Talia's comments. Also, best of luck for your GCSEs.
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Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #34 on: 25 May 2011, 21:03:53 »

Thanks Dek :)
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« Reply #35 on: 15 June 2011, 23:13:45 »

Ta'lia;

I've dealt with most of your comments; there were too many to go through them here like I usually do, but you can see where I've edited in orange.

Just a couple of points to make - anything you don't understand, such as why I left something/edited in the way I did, please ask:

1) I don't see what's wrong with my description of why women were on board - it looks just like yours, but with a reason for the social expectation, so I left that.

2) Numbers. I added two ships; also note that there were "six-score" on Ciosa's vessel, so your use of 100 is inaccurate.

With 120 on Ciosa's vessel and 100 on each of the others, we have 320 explorers. There are a few children when they start, who are now young men and women of 15-18.

Take your proportions, we have 225 men, 80 women and 15 children. Say the children are 50-50 split, we have numbers on arrival of 232 men, 87 women. Our 7 who started as children are all fertile young women. Of our 80, assuming they were mainly fit young women to start with, we have maybe 30% (40% is too high, remember how they probably started from 15, not 18) no longer able to bear children, so we have 56+7=63 who are still fertile. Add to that 232 men, we say none of the women fail to find a husband. We also say that to inprint yourself and survive --> Breed. So all 63 of our women want to get pregnant. Just to make the numbers easier, and to placate to non-matching possibilty, we'll cut the "3" and say that 60 women got pregnant. 20 fail gives us 40 live births. Two years later we have another round, again of 40: we now have 80 births. Of each 40, 10 fail in infancy, giving us 30 with the first found and 30 with the second. A third lot comes a well, adding another 30, and giving a total of 90 children between the ages of 0 and 6 after 5 or 6 years. Children in such a community help young, and have to help young.

There may be more, but I think that's all. Anything you want explained -> Ask

Ath
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"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
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« Reply #36 on: 16 June 2011, 00:33:46 »

Oh, that's not yet up?  speechless
I'll look at your cult first though, later! :)
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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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« Reply #37 on: 17 June 2011, 17:59:39 »

Still not up... lol
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"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
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« Reply #38 on: 18 June 2011, 00:48:07 »

Hey Ath! You are nearly finished!

This is a very well done entry, maybe a bit too many narrative parts for my taste, but as Artimidor puts them in italics, I suppose, it is fine as it is. There are many things I could praise here, too many I like (the description of Ciosa's personality is one of them), so it needs to be a general  thumbup

There are two things left:

Could you please alter one word?  :D  were to seemed

Quote
The Glandorians were very scornful of the Darians, both the ones at the foot of the mountains and the ones in their immediate area - the "primitive" tribes carried no weapons of warand had no military structure; rather, they seemed simple, almost round-faced folk with very little in the way of anything beyond a farming existence, although they were very kind and helpful - perhaps too trusting.


The last thing:

I would add one more sentence before the biography part, something saying, that , despite the long time, many records seem fairly accurate through Nikolfs diary who survived the millenias miraculously, the other, that especially the beginning is lore, though it has a true core. I mean, how could reports survive, so detailed as you have described them (he vomits, people clapping hi mon his shoulder... that's legend forming). That is a story. But, as this points and enlightens who Ciosa was, it has found its way into a compendium entry nevertheless, and in the biography part, to avoid a lore part.

You surely can word this much better! In only one and a half sentences!:)

I cannot blarrow it though!

Somebody here to blarrow this?

Edit: Could you please set the narrative parts in italics? And maybe decrease the size one point. So it is easier for Art to see, what is what.
« Last Edit: 18 June 2011, 00:50:01 by Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels » Logged

"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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« Reply #39 on: 18 June 2011, 01:20:16 »

Those three things are done and marked in red (or they should be...)

Ath
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« Reply #40 on: 18 June 2011, 06:31:06 »

As Talia has given this her ok, and asked for someone to blarrow this for Athviaro, I'm happy to blarrow the entry. Well done Athviaro on a superb person's entry.

Dek
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« Reply #41 on: 18 June 2011, 06:49:49 »

Thanks Dek

*Ath grows several inches as a weight lifts from his shoulders* :P
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"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
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« Reply #42 on: 20 June 2011, 02:41:52 »

And - almost forgot - an aura for Ta'lia for her patient work on this with me. Thank you!
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"I don't care what you did as a boy."
"Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood." - Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, The Gay Divorcee, 1934.
The Life and Works of Athviaro Shyu-eck-Silfayr
Kalta'hnk - My ramblings on anything to do with the Glandorians - The Glandorian Men (Proposal)
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