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Author Topic: The Ice Sea Silvertail  (Read 11063 times)
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Elron Sylver
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« Reply #30 on: 20 October 2011, 06:08:43 »

Well?
« Last Edit: 21 October 2011, 05:54:31 by Elron Sylver » Logged

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Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #31 on: 21 October 2011, 12:06:15 »

Well what?

In your previous post you said you weren't done yet, Elron. Have you now finished your edits?

Dek
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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #32 on: 21 October 2011, 12:32:02 »

Still see references to Demons.  Don't think Ice Tribes have Demons.  That's a southern thing.... or Azhira's area.  Unless Talia has the Himiko having them.
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #33 on: 21 October 2011, 18:57:55 »

nada

Elron, tomorrow evening I have guests and I'm busy preparing things....

But I hope, that I find the time to comment thoroughly and give you some Himiko stuff. I really would like to have some more of them for the Himiko, they could be rare elsewhere? Let's talk about that o Sunday or Monday.

I may find a myth for you also, for the Himiko have other gods than the rest of the non-Remusian Icetribes.
« Last Edit: 21 October 2011, 19:03:03 by Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels » Logged

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Elron Sylver
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« Reply #34 on: 21 October 2011, 22:34:25 »

Dek: so far yes,

Alt: I took the demons off,

Talia: thanks, Im researching the Himiko but it'll be great to talk to you about them.

« Last Edit: 23 October 2011, 01:16:45 by Elron Sylver » Logged

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Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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« Reply #35 on: 22 October 2011, 10:15:39 »

OMG!!  Himiko...HIMIKO !!!

For gosh sakes don't let Talia catch you misspelling the name.  I did once and still carry the scars... both physical and emotional...
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #36 on: 26 October 2011, 04:32:46 »

Elron, a beginning... I have a cold, my head is big, but tomorrow I'm gone for a few days, so at least some notes:


Elron, the first problem I see here in the overview is, that you overwhelm your reader with too much information and miss some at the same time. EG



The Ice Sea Silvertail is also known as the Silverfish by the Himiko.

The Himiko are not very known yet, so the reader, even if he is knows quite a lot, might not know where to place them. On the other side you miss to name who is calling them Silvertail.  Ice See, where is that? You need to give the most important information first, that the Himiko name it differently than the rest of the icetribes is nothing worth mentioning in the overview.

So, I would recommend to start like this (Use your own words):

Name: Ice Sea Silvertail, Silverfish
Category: Bestiary>Water Creature>Fish

Overview:

The Ice Sea Silvertail or silverfish is an aquatic animal, an air breathing fish. It roams the waters of the Icecoast in North Eastern Sarvonia (--> now everybody knows at once, where this is, approximately), but can be found around Cyhalloi also (Akdor has a very different climate, so I would not recommend to place it there as well. Your fish are migrating South when the winter comes, you say below. )

 It is hard to spot one as it is prey to selkies, and extremely shy.

Is it shy, because it is prey to selkies? Is it hard to spot, because there are not many individuals, or because it hides so well? Where would it hide?

 Many Himiko catch them for their scales which are beautiful enough that they use them on jewellery and as an addition to their suppers.

Scales for supper? The ,enough‘ is not necessary.

You need to introduce the Himiko here:
The Himiko, the tribe which lives on the Wicker Islands..
I think, you should mention the food aspect earlier, for life is hard up there and the use of the scales as jewelry comes second.

The Silvertail prefers the colder waters of the Ice sea but can be found in other areas like Cyhalloi and Akdor.

It is as cold in Cyllahoi as in the ice coast. Just Akdor is warmer.

The Silvertail is an air breather, and is speculated to come to the surface to breath roughly 20 times a day.
I proposed to mention that earlier (see above), the ,how often‘ is too special for the overview, tell it later.

The Silvertail lives entirely off of gnackers and other shellfish and are estimated to eat up to 45 times a day.  

How can you know, that it feeds so often a day? Who has researched that, especially as it is so shy? Keep it a bit more vague.


Please look at your grammar - no capitals after a comma, e.g. :)
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« Reply #37 on: 27 October 2011, 10:33:01 »

Sorry I havent posted in a while its just work,work,work... it never stops!

Will work on it later, THANKS again...
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« Reply #38 on: 05 November 2011, 22:59:21 »

Drat... I wont be hear for a few months!(Febuary at most) (international work), i may check in every so often but not enough to finish this.     Would someone (preferably  because its in ice territory one of the northern experts? noidea) Finish the grammer mistakes and the other comment ideas, I wish i could stay but I may get a promotion for this. Bye for a while.
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #39 on: 06 November 2011, 01:07:33 »

Have a nice time!

The silvertail will wait for you till your return, no worry.
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Elron Sylver
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« Reply #40 on: 29 December 2011, 06:51:29 »

Aah... :D the feeling of rejoining people who love to dream. Who love as much if not more this wonderfull world I stumbled upon one rainy day while looking for a fantasy game and finding so much more, It's wonderfull to take it all in again. sorry I've been gone so long but I moved after my trip and don't have an internet connection. :(
( I'm at a freinds for a late christmas dinner)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #41 on: 29 December 2011, 16:07:31 »

Welcome back to you as well, Elron!  thumbup

Hope you get a chance to finish this one more sooner than later! It's always a pity if an entry has progressed pretty well and then people disappear. Spare the silvertail the fate of extinction before its even on site! grin
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« Reply #42 on: 18 March 2012, 02:56:05 »

Back again, Ive been working offline on the silvertail, and i have a question, is it alright if I post  the offline version in a sperate window until i get feedback on wether its better or not? or should i replace the old one?

I also can check this around once a week now on thursdays (during the afternoon) so look for me then.
I'm going to read my PMs now, bye until I write again. :)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #43 on: 18 March 2012, 04:10:06 »

Well, usually we just replace the initially posted entry with the new version. In case the old version should still be kept as a reference you could add it at the bottom, but its not really necessary - we are confident that the new version is better if you've taken care of the problems that were pointed out in the discussion :)
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Elron Sylver
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« Reply #44 on: 26 March 2012, 00:55:28 »

The updated version is in, or should be, gotta go.
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