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Author Topic: The Ice Sea Silvertail  (Read 11058 times)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #45 on: 27 March 2012, 05:07:13 »

Always make sure to check your post first before you let others check it, Elron, because otherwise this leads to a ping-pong game of checks and rechecks, which can take quite a while - and the entry won't be approved very soon. That can easily be avoided if you check your entry very carefully first yourself.

Take for instance the first paragraph:

Quote
The Ice Sea Silvertail is an aquatic animal, that lives in the waters off of the Icelands and Cyhalloi. They are caught by the Himiko (a ice tribe that live on the icelands) who eat the fish although the are rather tasteless, and for their scales wich they use on jewellery. [/color] The Silvertail prefers the colder waters of the Ice sea but can be found in other seas like Cyhalloi. The Silvertail is an air breathing fish that lives entirely off of gnackers and other shellfish (see Diet).

And a version how I would correct it and/or make it better:

Quote
The Ice Sea Silvertail is an aquatic animal, that lives in the waters off of the Icelands Coast in Northern Sarvonia and near the continent of Cyhalloi. Primarily caught by the Himiko (an ice tribe that lives on the Icelands Coast), they are a welcome dish up North, although they are seem rather tasteless to the southern palate. Otherwise these remarkably long fish with a size of 2-3 peds are sought for their scales which are used on jewellery. Preferring the colder waters of the Ice Sea the Silvertail can also be found in other seas like the ones even further north around Cyhalloi. The Silvertail is an air breathing fish that lives entirely off of gnackers and other shellfish (see Diet).

And some notes to give you an idea what makes the difference between the two paragraphs:

- Make sure to provide enough information, so that the reader really knows where you are and what you are talking about (e.g. Northern Sarvonia, continent of Cyhalloi etc.)
- Icelands should be "Icelands Coast" and is actually a proper name, thus it's written with a capital letter.
- Note the proper spelling: Thgey, which - and there's a color tag that shouldn't be in there. All easily to spot if you give it a quick glance!
- Ice Sea: proper name as well.
- "Seas like Cyhalloi" - Cyhalloi is not a sea, but a continent.
- Then another suggestion: If you look at your first paragraph you always start your sentences with the subject. "The Ice Sea Silvertail... They... The Silvertail... The Silvertail..." Now look at my changes, where I mix things up a bit by starting with something else: "Primarily... Preferring the colder waters..." - See the difference? Looks much more elaborate, doesn't it? And all that is required is to be a bit inventive.
- Feel free to embellish things here and there with little details (like the "to the southern palate" reference). Also more information, especially in the overview part, where I now mention their length as well. Helps to give a good first impression of what we're dealing with.

Look at the two paragraphs and read my suggestions, and that should help to get you on the correct path :) Take the time to read and reread your posts and you'll get better at this the more you work on it!
« Last Edit: 27 March 2012, 05:12:58 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



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« Reply #46 on: 22 September 2012, 11:59:30 »

Im back, and I have my work cut out for me! Hopefully I can work regularly now, lost an updated version along with my laptop so startimg from scratch, Ill say when I think its ready for comments and criticism, good to play again :), later
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« Reply #47 on: 22 September 2012, 15:29:43 »

Nice to see you back, Elron! Hopefully with a working computer ;) I see you have a plan to get this one done, so go right ahead! Time to get this one up once and for all - I'm looking forward to checking it once you're finished with the changes. :D
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« Reply #48 on: 07 October 2012, 01:02:18 »

Actually my phone is my new uploader and an old (1995) computer is my writer editor (for now) hope I can finnally get this reworked and edited  ;)
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« Reply #49 on: 09 October 2012, 22:31:42 »

Judging by the reply which took more than two weeks it looks like your phone connection is a bit slow though, Elron... :)
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« Reply #50 on: 24 May 2013, 04:38:29 »

My phone also gave out darn thing, again I apologize for my disappearance. I have updated the entry hope this is close to finished!?
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« Reply #51 on: 27 May 2013, 19:38:17 »

Hmmm... In your first post you state that you lost the file, Elron... So I hope you find it again and then post it!  cool
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