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Author Topic: Brynjar Grau-eck-Shanno / Eanian Warlord  (Read 3508 times)
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Brynjar Grau-eck-Shanno
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« on: 21 January 2013, 18:58:29 »

Modified character description, by suggesion of Ta'lia

EDIT: 08/02/2013
All edits are now in this color.

Overview:

Brynjar Grau-eck-Shanno is a widely known warrior among his tribe, the Eanian ice tribe of Northern Sarvonia, who rose quickly to the esteemed rank of warlord during tumultuous times. The most notable of his achievements was the reclaiming of the Eanin settlement, located in the northeast of the Eanian territory on the Icelands’ Coast, from the Tarkyn ice tribe. He is currently in a self-imposed exile from the Icelands, after the retaking of Eanin, and could prove a plethora of information on the life of the Eanian tribe.

Appearance:

Brynjar is roughly-hewn creature. Roughly one ped, two fores, and two palmspans in height, he easily blends into the crowd of Northern Sarvonia. Life in the south has melted the excess fat so essential to northern life, pulling a strong relief to his already harsh, angular features. His face is squared, soft curves pulled into hard lines. Most often he is a sour figure; his thin lips are tipped downwards and bright grey eyes burn from under heavy brows, accented by high cheekbones. Numerous wrinkles ring his eyes, heavy around the bottom lids. His nose is wide, almost consistent in girth from bridge to the thick tip. Dark brown hair falls in sleek sheets, braided and twisted in a haphazard array, and provides a heavy frame liberally streaked with grey and white. Even in exile, Brynjar keeps his face clean-shaven to mark his rank as warlord. His skin is darkly bronzed in the face and hands, much more so than other areas of the body. Many crossing scars cover his hands, heavy around the knuckle area. There is also some scarring on the back of the head, causing some erratic hair growth around it. It is impossible to miss the red, thick-lined pinnip symbol on his throat.

Brynjar has tried to keep to his traditional dressing habits, but he has, out of necessity, adapted to the southern style of dress. The one article which he refuses to be parted with is the white bear pelt, which he wears much like a Santharian would wear a cloak, with one heavy, clawed paw thrown over the shoulder. He is partial to the elk hides of the south, finding a moderate familiarity in their textures, and has trousers fashioned from the skins. He has light tunics made from strange cloths that he is unfamiliar with. A close look may warrant a reminder of his northern, primitive origin by the weapons on his belt, crafted from antler and bone and stone rather than wood and steel. But it is the stone talisman and its red pinnip symbol that mark him truly as foreign.

The unfamiliar warmth of the south has done nothing to prevent Brynjar from donning his red and white war paints during the months of his homelands summer, but it is a rare occasion that he uses the charcoal-based mixture to coat around his eyes, since the glare of the sun in the south is greatly lessened when snow is not present year-round. The face is painted white, and a red handprint placed diagonally across it and excess red paint is used to coat the arms up to the elbow.

Personality:

An aggressive, hard man, Brynjar is a trying person to be around. Time in the rich south has done nothing to quiet the untamed, instinctive nature of the man, and he still uses aggression as a fallback when confronted with things he does not understand or wish to accept. A naturally distrustful person, he has a disdain for anything unusual, or different. This has led him to leading a rather solitary life in the south, searching fruitlessly for a type of kinship that he knew in the north.

A careful observer may notice the grief that wears on him. It manifests in times of prolonged silence and distant looks when confronted with accusation and slurs that would usually be greeted with fists and bare blades. In the luxury of the south, he finds much time for reflection in the hours that would have been filled with hunting and battle and celebration.

Biography:

Birth and Youth in the North:
Brynjar Grau-eck-Shanno was born in a small cave as Brynjardyr Runol-fey-Shyu. The exact location can be estimated to a day’s travel north by sled from the settlement of Eanin on the eastern island of the Eanian territory. Four years later, his brother Bjorrar was born in the Eanin settlement.

Conflict was a common sight in Brynjar’s youth. The lanne was no stranger to assaults, living in the permanent settlement Eanin, for that was the way of the north, to take with strength. As all male children of the tribe, Brynjar was trained in combat and in the hunt. He learned how to track prey, craft weapons from antler and tusk and bone, and mark the change of the seasons.

Battle on the Ice:
Fourteen winters past, Brynjar killed his first man—an Inlerin warrior— and earned his civil rights in a tribe war that had come late in the season, with the first ice. Between the islands, the ice was soft from the summer melt, too soft to wage battle upon. Many men from both tribes were lost to the depths, this included both Brynjar’s father, leader of the lanne, and the Lanrul of the tribe.

Weeks later, Brynjar reached his fifteenth winter and he, along with four others, was heralded into the warriors of the tribe with the Warrior’s Chant. The shaving of their hair marked a boy’s transition into adulthood, the new growth would make them men, and battle merit would determine how they wore it. They were branded in red, a strong-lined visage of a pinnip on the waves was tattooed on their throats.

Breaking of the Tribe:
A warrior from Gourdynn was chosen to be the next Eanian Lanrul, and under his guidance those on the smaller western island began to prosper. Those to the east were not so fortunate, even under the leadership of a strong warlord in Eanin. They were under siege, in every direction other tribes encroached and raided small nomadic lannes and slew their kin. In the seasons to come, few children were born and fewer warriors were initiated to fill their desperately depleted ranks.

Contempt grew for the prosperous in the west, while Brynjar and the lanne lost their seat in Eanin to the invading Tarkyns and were forced to take to the ice shelf. The old went hungry first, and were given swift deaths by their sons. Then the women, mates and mothers, became scarce as the warriors tried to safeguard their future—boys forced to wear the mantles of dead men. There were only two boys left in the lanne, soon to be initiated as warriors, though they had done their duty as such long before those days.

They starved, and the west grew powerful.

The White Bear:
For days at a time Brynjar would wander the shelf in solitude. Twenty winters, unmated with no heir, and too thin to survive the encroaching winter. The events on the ice would shape his future, and that of his tribe. It was far on the ice he spotted it, a cloaked pinnip and a late-born pup basking too far from their breathing hole. He was sure he could catch the cow, but so was she—the white bear.

The events of this day are passed on, orally by the women that keep the history:

“Dark, dark, Phobit did not shine over our people these days. Aleshnir refused to give Grau-eck-Shanno the bounty of her children, for he had lost the seat of his father and it started new war between Aleshnir and Zundefor. And as the child of Phobit and Nechya stood witness to Zundefor’s glory, Aleshnir slipped away into Asendin’s cold embrace. In her fury, Zundefor struck down Grau-eck-Shanno with a might swing of his paw.

Across the ice, he flew like pinnip through water. And the white bear huffed and snorted and hollered in a blind rage, for he had been so close to catching Aleshnir in their eternal struggle. She charged Grau-eck-Shanno, curled up on the ice like a babe in his mother’s belly, and he smacked him again. His teeth scraped Grau-eck-Shanno’s head, his mighty claws dug through gloves to hands.

In pity for Grau-eck-Shanno, Asterlin bestowed upon him the great speed of the striking light. In his splendour, Zundefor rose tall to deliver the final blow. But Grau-eck-Shanno wielded his white claws and slew down Zundefor, and by his grace, in honor of Grau-eck-Shanno’s conquest, he bestowed upon him the fruit of his child and returned to the chaos.”


An Icemut sled from his lanne bore witness to this struggle, and bore Brynjar back to their small encampment on the ice. It was that day that Brynjardyr Runol-fey-Shyu was given the name Grau-eck-Shanno, and known forth as Whiteclaw, for the bone knife he used to strike down the white bear.

Warlord of the East:
The night following the killing of the white bear, the carcass was skinned and set to roast on a spit and the pelt was given to Brynjar, as was his right by conquest. The warlord of the small lanne, friend to Brynjar’s late father, stripped the scruff from his face and named him warlord for his heroism.

The melting of the ice brought new life. The lannes of the eastern island began to come to the ice shelf to bear witness to the fur of the white bear. Brynjar’s impoverished tribe began to swell with new faces, young boys listening to the old women tell of the struggle against the bear and youthful warriors preparing for the battle season. It seemed that the east was beginning to finally prosper again, for game was plenty and the Eanians were beginning to recover from their drastic losses in seasons past.

War with the Tarkyns:
The summers to come were red.

Brynjar rallied his warriors and razed villages to the north, where Inlerins camped on the ice, and to the south, where Tarkyns had gathered around the conquered settlement of Eanin. By right of conquest, he took young women to bear sons, domesticated herds to feed warriors and pelts from the fallen, leather from their feet, to dress them.

The warriors began painting their faces differently from their kin to the west. They were white-faced demons, with red handprints smeared on their faces, their arms red up to the elbows. Along the coast, they passed like a storm, snarling faces and gnashing teeth. Their strongest foes were eaten on the battlefield, the heart given to the warrior who showed the most prowess.  

The Eanians proved themselves a force to be reckoned, but their clashes with the Tarkyns proved a double-edged blade. For every scout party they took, the Tarkyns took Eanian slaves and livestock. As winter came, their skirmishes became more desperate, and no mercy was given. Neither side took slaves and spoils, just flesh and blood.

Meeting of the Lanruls:
Brynjar was twenty two winters, and that summer he would witness his first Langral Meet at the side of a Lanrul who, before that Icebreaking, he couldn’t have put a face to.

From the wealthy settlement of Gourdynn on the west coast of Eanian territory, the Lanrul traveled across the territory. He hand-picked warriors of great renown, who would serve as escort and witness, as he made way to the meeting of the ice tribe Lanruls in Langral, a modest settlement in Aeidin territory. As the Lanrul walked across the territory, he heard many times of the tribe on the shelf and the man who killed a white bear with a white knife.

The Lanrul’s coming to the ice shelf was not met with celebration and feasting, but with dark eyes and sallow faces, slowly regaining their fullness. Food was still hard to come by, with the Tarkyns to the south harrying the coast and driving the herds south to their own settlements. It was in war paint the warriors of the lanne greeted their Lanrul.

Such open hostility would have been punishable by death, but the Eanians could not afford the loss of another warrior, especially by their own hand. The story of the white bear had spread from mouth to ear of slaves, taken by Inlerin, captured by Eanians, stolen by Tarkyns, all the way down the coast. The north respects strength, and other tribes would expect such a warrior to be at the meet. So Brynjar left the shelf and went south and west. The Eanians traveled in two groups, westerners painted with red and white stripes, and the easterners with red hands on white faces.

East of the settlement of Aeidin, the Eanians came upon Langral and laid their weapons outside her walls. Warriors in green and black and blue and orange and red stared in deafening silence, and the weakness of the tribe was displayed for all to see. They saw white-faced Eanians, whispered of by Inlerin and Tarkyn, and striped Eanians, and the displayed wealth. They saw white fur on the shoulders of two different men.

There they stood, Eanians. Divided. Weak. Prey.

The establishment of the ceasefire was marked by the sun rising to his highest point of the day, and the Lanruls and their warriors trekked from Langral to the hotsprings and washed the paints and dyes from their skin. For this summer they were not Eanian and Tarykn or Remusian and Tokarian, Vertan and Filmainrim, Santarim and Inlerin and Sarmanian.

For this summer, they were Icetribesmen.

Early Winter:
The summer held a rare time of peace, but it would die with the coming of the snows. The Eanians were held together by strings, by the need for a false front of unity to ward off the attacks of other tribes. But the meet in Langral had sent a message to the other tribes, and the battle season would be long and red. No salvation would come if the east were to fall.

That winter, the Eanians of the east kept close to their ice shelf camp. That winter, the east prepared for battle. They fastened claws to glove and boot, wore the faces of animals upon their heads with long teeth and red-painted rocks for eyes. They would not survive through strength alone, and if they could not drive their foes back with spear and axe then they would do so with fear. The tribes came in force, Inlerin and Tarkyn and Faeron and Aeidin.

The east was ready to fall.

But as the second month of the season came, so did a bitter cold and snarling snows. Winter had come, with ice and wind and snow. Barely able to see a wison length ahead of themselves, Brynjar and his warriors dug furrows into the ice shelf around their camp, deep enough to trap even the tallest of men. Many fell victim to the traps, and more to spear and axe and knife in the white of an early winter. Those who didn’t fled across the ice, or starved upon it.

The early winter of that season would give them a summer without assault, a summer to wage war on tribes that dared not cross the ice paths to the island of the Eanians.

The Passing of a Mother:
Twenty and five winters, Brynjar was a pride to behold. Winter came and the herds moved from the valleys south, and snow took his mother. There were no tears shed for her, for she was old and long past her childbearing years, another mouth to feed. Winter took an old woman, and brought a man from the far reaches of the eastern island, across the ice from the Aeidin settlement. He came in gleaming plate, with a train of slaves, astride the back of a great bull wison, offering gifts of good faith.

Twenty and five winters, Brynjar was a pride to behold. But as winter came and the herds moved south, the snow took his mother. There were no tears shed for her in the passing, for she had become old and was long past her childbearing years and she was just another mouth to feed. Winter took an old woman, and brought a man from the far reaches of the eastern island. He came in gleaming plate with a train of slaves, astride the back of a great bull wison, and offered gifts of good faith.

Summer of the Whale:
The Icemelting came with a vengeance, where the ice receded further than it had done in over a century, by count of the wise women who held their legacy. With it came a white whale carcass, flesh rotting and falling from the bone. Some revered it, a gift of bone to craft into spear and axe and knife and go to war with Aleshnir’s blessing. Others said it was an evil thing, and the gods were in a fury, punishing the Eanin with a hot summer and rotten meat.

Brynjar set his men about the carcass to collect the bones. They crafted many weapons and talismans from bone, sewing strips to jerkin and tunic and boot and glove. But Brynjar felt the heat upon his mind, and he did not lead his men to war with their kin. Nor did he seek to reclaim Eanin.

At twenty-seven winters, Brynjar took his first mate.

Re-Taking of Eanin, and Exile:
The woman who birthed Brynjar’s firstborn was a southern slave with a solemn look and their union was affectionless. Brynjar held no grief at her passing in the childbed. At thirty winters old, Brynjar held his firstborn, a strong whelp named Bjornol. He thought of days to come, teaching his son to hunt the pinnip that was their lifeblood, to throw an ax and strike down a man. It was the birth of his first son that pushed Brynjar to war.

But the summer was fruitless and blood made the ocean run red. It took six winters for Brynjar to take Eanin. But the victory was hollow. The Tarkyns had slain his son, and his brother’s son, and many of his kin’s sons like thieves in the night. The Lanrul of the tribe, hidden away in Gourdynn while the east fought the Tarkyns, was struck down by a white bear on the ice in the Bay of Calnith. And that too was hollow.

Grief for his son and shame at what he had done to his tribe led Brynjar south, and he kept going south, and would keep going south, until there was nowhere left to go.

Man of Snow and Ice:
In his exile, Brynjar wandered south. The north was frozen, and high mountain peaks that seemed so far away became closer and closer. He took painstaking care to venture far from any signs of settlements, passing across the vacant fields of Aeidin and into the small mountains that marked the border of the Tokarian territory. Along the far edge of the territory he skirted the river and headed towards to the Gathorn Mountains.

Reluctance set his pace, dragging slow and threatening to end him with hunger. It was like a sickness, pulling strength from his legs and resolve from his mind and he longed for familiar faces. A journey that should have taken a fortnight of swift travel had taken almost two moons. But the southern peaks of the mountains offered strange new sights: trees, as tall as him and a few that stood higher, bent and twisted by winds coming off the peaks.  

Tracks wandered up the southward slopes, and he followed them. It was there, among the high peaks where no tree dare take root, that he encountered his first ‘southerner’. At first it appeared to be a small, pale child, hardly half his height, a round lump in heavy, fur-lined wool. Back to him, the child would be an easy target, up to the elbows in snow and prodding a network of uncovered roots. A head popped up briefly, observed some scratches on a skin and scratched some more on it. The child had an aged face, wrinkles around the eyes and a thinning dark head of hair. A girl with a woman’s face. Unknown to Brynjar, she was not a child but the Gnomish botanist Eleanna Kalrinwenens.

He reached for his knife, but could he kill a child? An unarmed child like the boys in his lanne had been, when the Takaryns had slit their throats in the night. What would one more be? One more would be one too many. Brynjar retreated back into the valley, knife still on his belt. The woman-child was long from his mind.

Brynjar hunted in the valley, rich with game that dug through inches of melting snow to the awakening greenery underneath. He caught snow hares with sinew snares, and a fatty, thickly furred animal that tasted much better than the lean rabbit meat. Tracking another of these furred creatures with webbed feet, far from the cool snowcap-fed river it seemed to live in, he found the child again.

Or rather stumbled upon. In a terrified spurt, the creature had darted through a thick bramble, and crouched over, Brynjar followed. And there she was, stirring something in a small pot over a modest fire. He jerked his spear from the fleeing creature and jabbed its point towards her. The smell of stewing meat fogged his head, the lean rabbits he had dined on before he found the swimmer had left him hungry for fatter catches.

Eleanna set down her spoon and showed him her hands, a gesture even he could understand. Slowly, he lowered his spear. Then the sounds came, a rapid mix of grunts and rumbles that meant nothing. A second string, and then a third.  She gestured to the skins in front of the fire, and ladled a scoop of her stew into a wooden cup and held it out. He stared.

Brynjar perched himself on his haunches, fingers still curled around his spear, a wison length from the fire. Eleanna lifted the spoon to her mouth, blew, and ate. He watched still, and nothing happened. Again she offered. He didn’t move. In the brush, a stick cracked under pressure, and Brynjar was gone, hunched low and moving swift through the valley.

This continued for weeks, mistaken encounters from over a stone’s throw away and glimpses at even further. Figures among trees, shapes among rocks. The second time he encountered her camp, she was slicing a fat swimmer into chunks for her stew. Their proximity had ensured Brynjar that she was alone, and no threat to him. But strange things were best kept at a distance.

He was about to disappear into the brush when she saw him. The little thing hopped up and scampered close, holding her hands out and repeating a single sound, over and over and over. And for a fleeting moment a strangeness overcame him, a question, did she know what the swimmer was called?

It was a small change that would lead to so many more. That afternoon, Brynjar sat in front of her small fire and ate her stew in his cold silence. The initial communications were, strained at best. The weeks that it had taken for him to become at ease with Eleanna’s presence were all but erased by this new proximity. He saw a child, harmless, but he was on edge.

Days passed before he would stay longer than the time it took to slurp down a rich stew, and many more before they could hold a conversation. If it could be called such, the heavy-handed gestures and frustrated expletives. But Eleanna was not so different from the tribeswomen, preparing meat and gathering herbs or berries. She pointed out shrubs and bent trees, naming them, and telling him of places where snow came for only a few moon turns and then was gone and places where it never came at all.

Brynjar wondered what they may look like, these strange places or trees thrice as tall as him. He couldn’t go home, no matter how bad his gut ached for the ice and the simple life he left behind. The only way to go was south, so Brynjar travelled with Eleanna and their conversations became almost coherent in broken words and confused phrases as they walked across the Heaths of Wilderon.

As spring began to fade, Brynjar found the heat of the southern summer almost unbearable. He was forced to discard his traditional pinnip clothes, and adopt lighter dress. It brought about his first interaction with a clearly non-human race—the Rhom-Oc. Eleanna acted mediator between the nomads, though Brynjar held fast to his axe and the orc settled close to the side of the massive warg. The elk hides were much thinner than those he was accustomed to, but the texture was familiar and the lightness astounded him.

It was after this encounter that Brynjar learned of Eleanna’s Gnomish origin. This sent him away for many days; a man of the ice did not let the world into his home, especially if that world was female and non-human. What use did he have for tiny people or green men on black beasts? The sickness in his gut made him turn northward.

But he returned. The months of travel in solitude were fresh in his mind, though long past, and even the company of this half-creature was more agreeable to facing the strange greenness of the south alone. Slowly, painfully so, Brynjar began to let tiny pieces of the south into his world of ice and snow, and the words came easier. Brynjar was able to relay patches of his life, settled in the foothills of the Imlith Mountains. Heavily edited, and vague, a complex world trying to fit into the language of the south.

Importance:

Brynjar was a strong figure head of the Eanians of the eastern island in times of great prosperity and in great hardship. His conquering of the white bear, interpreted as a gift from the gods in Eanian lore, coupled with the lack of guidance from their Lanrul in Gourdynn, painted Brynjar as Lanrul of the eastern island in all but name.

This brought great prosperity to his lanne. Warlords of small lanne merged with Brynjar’s tribe, and so their ranks grew with an influx of warriors and young boys and mature girls fit to mate. It was also a means to the splitting of the Eanian tribe, those on the western island and those on the larger eastern island.

Instead of taking arms against his kin, as many would have supported, Brynjar set to reclaim the settlement of Eanin on the eastern coast, for his child. Though he conquered the Tarkyns and drove them forth from Eanin, many were lost and in his grief, he fled the Icelands.

Brynjar is a wealth of information. He has extensive knowledge of the Icelands, survival in the far north and the customs of not only his tribe, but information on other ice tribes from their conflicts. There is no telling what this knowledge may reveal, or how it could alter not only the lives of Santharians, but the lives of the Eanians and other ice tribes of the Icelands.

Footnote:

Langral is the name of the settlement where the Langral Meeting occurs. Here the Lanruls of the ice tribes meet once every twelve winters and establish a cease fire for the summer’s battle season.
 
Lanne is the ice tribe’s term for a minor clan with a tribe; every tribe is made up of many of these minor clans.

Lanrul is the ice tribe’s term for the leader of the entire tribe, while leaders of the minor clans are called Warlords.

Aleshnir is one of fifteen ice tribe gods, the sea animal spirit in the form of a white whale but not limited to that form.

Asendin is one of fifteen ice tribe gods, the force of the sea.

Asterlin is one of fifteen ice tribe gods, the force of lightning.

Nechya is one of fifteen ice tribe gods, the female night goddess.

Phobit is one of fifteen ice tribe gods, the male day god.

Zundefor is one of fifteen ice tribe gods, the land animal spirit in the form of a white bear but also, not limited to that form.
« Last Edit: 09 February 2013, 17:55:12 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: 22 January 2013, 02:30:12 »

Hello and welcome Bryjnar!

I will have a look over your submission tomorrow (though I'm only an unimportant Southerner), but maybe the Lord of the North comes this way also and tells you what to do. But beware, he is a Remusian, he might see you as an enemy! Guard yourself! :D

Maybe you read some of the other newer person's entries (those with the dates) to get a feeling how it is done here.
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« Reply #2 on: 22 January 2013, 18:05:49 »

Hello again,

I skimmed again over the first part of your submission and it is hard for me to say, what you need to change. It still feels a bit too much like char description and not person's entry. Maybe you have to shorten it in places, let's have a look at the appearance section.


Appearance:
Brynjar is broad of chest with a strong back, developed from years of javelin hunting and tribe battles. Strong legs are used to traveling great distances, for game can be sparce in the winter and the pinnip is a clever creature hiding close to its holes. He is muscular, a warrior of his tribe and defender of those who cannot wield weapons.

This is quite good in a CD, but I think in a person's entry you can skip the legs e.g. I would begin with face/head, for that's what you look at first, not necessarily more important than the figure. Say some more general first, an overall impression before you go into details. And - does he look still as you described him, now, that he is in the South? What would somebody see, who writes his person's entry?


He is roughly-hewn, with harsh angular features. Brynar's nose is narrower than the norm, and his lips thin. Bright Brasca Dusk eyes shine from his dark Elken colored face, a clear sign of southern breeding with slaves of the south. His face is kept clean-shaven, even in exile, as a sign of his rank as warlord. Dark Eophrian Brown hair ,sleek and long, frames his square face. Braids and twists are woven into the hair, liberally streaked with grey and white.
Eh, what is the norm? Would not hint at the southern breeding at this point.

Red and white paints are common practice, especially during what he knows as the 'summer months' when the ice in his homeland would have begun to melt and the game would move back to the far reaches of the north. It is also common to smear a charcoal-based mixture around the eyes in the summer months to prevent 'snow-blindness' caused be the reflection of light off the snow and ice in the far north. Simple knotted designs are painted on the arms, face and chest. A permanent red pinnip tattoo is on his throat.

Does he still paint his face, use charcoal, maybe to set him apart, or as he just is used to do it?  Could well be, that he sits for a painting and uses the colours to show a true man from an icetribe

Brynjar has several old scars. Most are minor scratches that fade a little more every year, while others will be with him until the end of his days. This includes several lacerations on the back of the skull, hidden by hair, and a scrapped, criss-cross patter on the fingers of bot hands from an encounter with a white bear.

Don't describe, what somebody who sees him cannot know.

Brynjar is know for the white bear pelt, worn much like a cape, or wrap depending. The fur is kept 'dirty', not a pristine white, to distinguish it from white furs worn by the Lanrul.

Maybe try to use a bit more distance when seeing/describing  him. When you wrote the CD, you have been him, more or less. Now walk in the shoes of a Santharian citizen and describe him :)


Don't forget to colour your changes!
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« Reply #3 on: 22 January 2013, 22:10:48 »

@Ta'lia
I rewrote most of the entry, so hopefully it sounds more like something you would find in a biography than on a character description. I also decided to opt out the years for now, at least until I get a better understanding on how they work. 

I took a lot of what you said about the appearance section and integrated it, I hope was able to distance myself from it now that I better understand what an entry should read like.

Appearance edits have been displayed in limegreen
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« Reply #4 on: 24 January 2013, 05:32:29 »

Hey Bryjar,

I think we need to wait till Shabakuk has the time to go over your person's entry, currently I have a hard time to keep both, person's entry and CD apart.

What would make you kind of important is, if you, as Minóki are the only authentic source of information for the 'normal' icetribes, at least for the tribe you are from. But that would mean, that you need to be in contact with an compendiumist . For some time you need to work with them and give them all the info they want to have.. ;)

If you find a way to integrate that into your bio, that would be great. If you have problems, we will help you!

Meanwhile you could think about with what you want to start afterwards. But please, tell us, Altario or me first, what your plans are. The problem is, that so much is in our head only and not yet on the site...  we don't want to discourage you by having to say no... that's not possible.
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« Reply #5 on: 24 January 2013, 06:10:48 »

Hi Brynjar,

First of all, let me say how impressed I am. This would be a great start for any entry, but for a first entry it is frankly astonishing. Your knowledge of the ice tribes is deep (or leastwise sufficiently deep to fool an ignorant Southerner such as old Shabakuk), and your writing is clear and forceful. The account of Grau-eck-Shanno's fight with the white bear is simply fantastic. The first time I read it, I didn't understand a word. I had to look up the fifteen gods of the ice tribes and remind myself of their functions. Then I read your text a second time, and all was clear and exciting and beautiful. It's a splendid piece of fantastickal anthropology, if I may put it this way. It brings colour not just to your entry, but to the culture of the Eanians as a whole. You'll get an aura point from me (a token of appreciation) for that episode alone!

Second, I have no objection whatsoever to an entry about this warlord. He is clearly important enough to be described in the compendium, in my opinion.

Third, I agree with Talia that you could elaborate a bit on how Brynjar came to be known about by the compendium, and who has identified him as a source of information about the Eanians. He could have befriended a compendium researcher, as Talia suggests. You could make up such a researcher. (By the way, even if you decide to do this for your Person entry here on the Dev side, you would not necessarily need to do the same for your CD on the RPG board.)

Fourth, I think it would be worth expanding a bit on Brynjar's role in events that must be considered of historical and political importance. Specifically, I mean his role in the wars around the Eanian settlements. You rightly mention this in the Overview. But the actual section within the biography that describes these wars is rather small. Think about a Santharian researcher who wants to inform herself about an Eanians, and for this purpose reads your compendium entry: this researcher would probably be more interested in the territorial wars between the Eanians and the Tarkyns than in a warlord's feelings (or lack thereof) at the death of his mother. I'm not saying you need to delete the passage about the mother - it does speak volumes about ice tribe morality, after all - but I suggest you expand on the wars a bit!

Fifth, it's Zundefor (not Zunefor).

Sixth: Well done! :)

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« Reply #6 on: 26 January 2013, 02:16:17 »

@Ta'lia
I have added a vague compendiumist into the last part of the Biography section, but I'm a little unsure about the details so any input would be very much appreciated!

I don't have anything in mind at this point about what I'd like to do next (probably something rather minor, such as a plant entry just to really get myself comfortable with the developing process). I will definitely notify both you and Altario of any plans or ideas I have before starting.

@Shab
Thank you so much for your wonderful comments! I really wanted to intigrate as much as I could about the ice tribe that was already developed.

I have worked in a researcher/compendium writer a bit in the end, but I'm not entirely sure about the details of it so any suggestions and ideas about how to further flesh it out would be very welcome. I have also expanded the territorial war between the Eanians and Tarkyns and added in a bit of internal political conflict due to the separation between the east and west Eanians. If there needs to be a bit more information, I can continue to add to those sections.

Thank you for catching my multiple spelling errors (that teaches me for referencing my own writing).

I look forward to hear your opinions on my changes and any suggestions you have to make the entry better.
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« Reply #7 on: 26 January 2013, 06:36:47 »

I'll have a look tomorrow! :)

Edit:
I only skimmed over it, but you really know how to write. I think you should write stories instead of describing plants or beasts... more about the society of the Eanians and Icetribes.

The strange thing is - I started to write a Himiko story three or more years ago but somehow never get over the first pages, though I have the plot complete. And guess what settlement I have choosen back then to free a woman..?  Eanin  :D
« Last Edit: 26 January 2013, 06:47:14 by Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels » Logged

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« Reply #8 on: 26 January 2013, 13:38:55 »

Brynjar

Well done.  thumbup  I have started with the appearance.  I tried to imagine in my minds eye what this character looks like based on your description.  You did a good job and I really liked the subtle details like the wrinkles, and brow, and turn of the lips. A couple of questions you may want to address:

1) Any facial hair?  For the ice tribes the type (if any) of facial hair is important.
2) How long do you imagine his hair to be?
3) Not necessary, but if this guy was in a lot of battles does he have any visible wounds?
4)What are the red and white paints?  Warpaint? Perhaps this is a reference to another entry somewhere that I didn't catch.

Looks great so far.
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« Reply #9 on: 27 January 2013, 00:38:40 »

Wow, Seeker - your comments reveal the brain of the visual artist. You're not planning a portrait, by any chance? :) It looks as though Brynjar is no stranger to the art of drawing herself, though, judging from her new forum pic?

I've read through your additions, Brynjar, and I really like them. Your warlord's importance in recent Ice Tribe wars is much more alive now. The only general comment I have is that your entry assumes a lot of knowledge at the moment. I had to consult the Santharian compendium several times to understand what was going on! I didn't know what a Lanrul was, or a lanne, or a Langral, for example. Maybe you could - very briefly - explain these concepts when you first mention them? It's even possible to provide footnotes, if you don't want to change your main text. I think it may make your text more readable for ignorant Southerners like me. This is just a suggestion, though.

Regaring the new "Man of Snow and Ice" section: Do I understand correctly that Brynjar is currently still in the Gathorn Mountains - that is, he is still in Northern Sarvonia? Or did he travel further south from there? Concerning the identity of his first 'Southerner' acquaintance: I suggest Brynjar could have bumped into Eleanna Kalrinwenens, a female gnome and botanist. She is a contemporary, has travelled widely, and has researched many Northern Sarvonian plants. (You wrote that Brynjar's new acquaintance was digging for roots under the snow, and hence I thought that a botanist might suit.) Eleanna does not have her own entry, but if you do a site search on her name, you'll discover the range of plants she's written on.

In general, we like to use invented people across entries - it gives our world consistency and 'realism'. Anyway, this also is just a suggestion. If the first Southerner Brynjar met was a female gnome, his initial surprise and maybe suspicion may be stronger than it would otherwise have been, so you might want to describe that in  your text, if you do indeed decide to introduce Eleanna into your story.

Apart from this, I have the following to say: if a Northern expert (such as Talia or Altario) is happy with the content, then so am I. Once such an expert has given their ok, the only thing left to do would be what we call a uri-check : a thorough look through the text to identify typoes and other minor things in need of fixing. I believe that uri-checks were named after Uragel, a former member with a good eye for correct spelling and grammar. I could do that, if nobody else gets here first.

Anyway, thanks for making such elaborate and well-written additions, and for sticking with us through the process of working on your entry. You're doing really great!



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« Reply #10 on: 27 January 2013, 01:16:19 »

 :D  I promise to read through this soon.  Unfortunately, I've been down with a migraine all week, severe enough that I've missed more days of work than I went to this week.  However, I think (keep your fingers crossed) that it is easing, and once it is gone, I'll be able to read again without it bringing tears to my eyes.
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« Reply #11 on: 27 January 2013, 19:18:02 »

@Ta'lia
Maybe I’ll write stories about the tribe eventually. For now I’ll be happy to bumble about with plants and small creatures, just to answer some smaller questions about the tribe life.
How about that, huh. Hopefully something will get your brain going and you’ll be able to really get your story going to the rest of us can get a peak at it :D

@Seeker
Thank you for bringing those questions to my attention. It looks like the details got cut from the appearance section during the first edits. Here are some quick answers so you don't have to read through all my strangely colored edits:

1. No facial hair, as a warlord Brynjar shaves it all off.
2. I'm thinking about where the deltoid overlaps the pectoral muscle...so just below the armpit. I was also thinking the cut itself would taper at the bottom (longest in the middle). If you know what I mean?
3. There is a lot of scarring on the back of the hands and there is scarring on the back of the head (only visible at close range, but it causes some hair to grow a little but awkwardly around the area) from a bear attack.
4. Yes, red and white war paints. The arms are red up the elbows; the face is painted white with a red hand-print across the face.
5. (just something I thought needed mentioning) Brynjar has a throat tattoo of a seal (that ominous red symbol mentioned in the description), I’m thinking a rather masculine design with harder shapes (squares, triangles, diamonds, maybe a circle or two).

If you're interested in a bit more reading, there is more information appearance-wise in the character description here (lots of weapon specifications).

@Shab
Just a little bit familiar, starting an Animation program in July. I’m really excited to see what Seeker can come up with, I’ve been admiring his digital works from afar.
Okay, so instead of trying to integrate those little terms into the biography section itself, I’ve taken your second suggestion and thrown a footnote in at the bottom just so it keeps the continuity of the biography itself.

Yes, Brynjar is hiding about the Gathorn Mountains for now. I see him as being set in his choice to leave his tribe, but at the same time being very reluctant to leave what he is comfortable with. So staying in a fairly familiar environment (it’s no ice shelf, but hey, there’s snow) would be rather characteristic of him. After a bit of reading on Eleanna I’ve decided she’d be a wonderful first ‘southerner’ for Brynjar to encounter and being able to integrate an already known figure is fantastic. Plus the fact that she’s a Gnome, and a woman, just adds to an already tense atmosphere.
Well I’ll be waiting on Altario to check the content, and hopefully after that and the edits have gone through, whoever decides to check my entry for grammar and the likes won’t find too many errors. And besides, when everyone’s so helpful it makes revisions super speedy.

@Altario
I’m looking forward to hearing your comments, and hopefully that migraine packs up soon, especially if it makes you take time off work.
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« Reply #12 on: 27 January 2013, 22:21:25 »

You are going to study animation? How exciting! Is that a college/university course?

The recent changes are splendid, in my opinion. I'm glad Eleanna was the gnome for the job!

I'm handing over to the Northern experts, then. Sorry to hear about that migraine, Altario. Hope you'll feel better soon!
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« Reply #13 on: 29 January 2013, 00:47:40 »

Hello Northerner, I pick just a few things for now:

Quote
Appearance:
Brynjar is roughly-hewn creature. Roughly one ped, two fores, and two palmspan in height, he easily blends into the southern crowd. Life in the south has melted the excess fat so essential to northern life, pulling strong relief to his already harsh, angular features. His face is squared, soft curves pulled into hard lines. Most often he is a sour figure; his thin lips are tipped downwards and bright grey eyes burn from under heavy brows, accented by high cheekbones. Numerous wrinkles ring his eyes, heavy around the bottom lids. His nose is wide, almost consistent in girth from bridge to the thick tip. Dark brown hair falls in sleek sheets, braided and twisted in a haphazard array, and provides a heavy frame liberally streaked with grey and white. Even in exile, Brynjar keeps his face clean-shaven to mark his rank as warlord. His skin is darkly bronzed in the face and hands, much more so than other areas of the body. Many crossing scars cover his hands, heavy around the knuckle area. There is also some scarring on the back of the head, causing some erratic hair growth around it. It is impossible to miss the red, thick-lined pinnip symbol on his throat.

Brynjar has tried to keep to his traditional dressing habits. The one article which he refuses to be parted with is the white bear pelt, which he wears much like a Santharian would wear a cloak, with one heavy, clawed paw thrown over the shoulder. He has, out of necessity, adapted to the southern style of dress. He is partial to the elk hides of the south, finding a moderate familiarity in their textures, and has trousers fashioned from the skins. He has light tunics made from strange cloths that he is unfamiliar with. A close look may warrant a reminder of his northern, primitive origin by the weapons on his belt, crafted from antler and bone and stone rather than wood and steel. But it is the stone talisman and its red pinnip symbol that marks him truly as foreign.

The drastic heat of the south has done nothing to prevent Brynjar from donning his red and white war paints during the months of his homelands summer, but it is a rare occasion that he uses the charcoal-based mixture to coat around his eyes, since the glare of the sun in the south is greatly lessened when snow is rare. The face is painted white, and a red handprint placed diagonally across it and excess red paint is used to coat the arms up to the elbow.

Could it be, that you who researched so throughly, mixed something up?
The Icetribe entry says about colours: Eanians: Black and White
It would be no problem though, to change that in the entry, if you prefer red and white, for I don‘t think that Curgan had any special reason to distribute the colours like they are now.

To your clothing and speaking of the ,warm South‘ and the changing of the clothing habits, I'll go to
 your last paragraph - you have only reached the Gathorn Mountains.



Quote
Man of Snow and Ice:
Brynjar wandered south into North Sarvonia, a country strange with its towering rocks and trees that reached for the sky. For a year he wandered the northern reaches of the country, places where snow was common, though it came and went swiftly and summer treated him poorly with such heat he had never known. He spent his days walking the rocky foothills of mountains and looking every skyward to the snow-capped peaks.

When the leaves began to change to fire, Brynjar began his ascent into the southern peaks of the Gathorn Mountains. And it was there, among the stones and snow that he encountered his first ‘southerner’. The first face he’d seen in almost two years.

Quote
At first it appeared to be a small, pale child, almost half his height, a rounded lump dressed in heavy wool. A head popped up briefly, to observe some strange markings and add some more. The child had a grown face, wrinkles around the corners of the eyes and a head of dark hair. A girl with a woman’s face. Back around she turned, up to her elbows in the snow, and prodded at a network of roots, previously buried beneath an afternoon’s snowfall.

Then, she saw him. The initial communications were, strained at best. The tiny woman-child shot rapid-fire questions in a string of strange sounds that meant nothing to Brynjar. It took weeks for Gnomish botanist Eleanna Kalrinwenens to convince Brynjar that she was not a threat, and much longer to hold a conversation. If it could be called such, the heavy-handed gestures and frustrated expletives. His reluctance, and his disapproval, carried through into his gestures. A woman had no business on her own, with no tribe and no mate and no children.

You don‘t tell, why he did not kill her on sight, why he tried to communicated with her AND why they stayed together at all!

Quote
From there it progressed, as they moved south to the foothills, to broken words and confused phrases. The woman-child was not such, but fully grown and a common size for her tribe, for her race. The reveal of this information sent Brynjar away for many days, a man of the ice did not let the world into his home, especially if that world was female and non-human. But he did return, after years of solitude even this half-creature was becoming agreeable company. Slowly, painfully so, the words became easier and Brynjar was able to relay patches of his life. Heavily edited, and vague, a complex world trying to fit into the language of the south.

After years of solitude? Do you mean from when he left his tribe?

Ok, back to the initial question and distances!

First, how did you get into the Gathorn Mountains? There are plenty of villages or even towns on the way.

Let us look at some maps first.
http://www.santharia.com/places/places_pics/northern_sarvonia.jpg
http://www.santharia.com/maps/continents/sarvonia_north_4.htm --> attached
http://www.santharia.com/maps/continents/icelands_coast.htm


All what is white in the northeast is what I called in my new submission the Icelands (NOT Icelands Coast) and I plan to alter the existing entries slightly (with permission of Alt) to a climate where snow is always on the ground . I think it is just the right thing to do - why has Art coloured it white when he did the maps :D

The smaller map shows you the distances. And the settlements. There are at least 500 strals (km) from Eanin  to the Garthorn Mountains, maybe only 350 - would he need over a year for that distance? Did he avoid the settlements?

Back to the climate in the Gathorns -
Quote
Brynjar wandered south into North Sarvonia, a country strange with its towering rocks and trees that reached for the sky. For a year he wandered the northern reaches of the country, places where snow was common, though it came and went swiftly and summer treated him poorly with such heat he had never known. He spent his days walking the rocky foothills of mountains and looking every skyward to the snow-capped peaks.

Yes, the Garthorns are quite high and the snow melts at the southern part and maybe on the southern   slopes, but there will be always some in the valleys and there is at least one warm valley, but generally it is not this warm. Maybe for you, yes, but not really. There are trees, but not towering, more looking to survive the winter, bent from the wind etc...

Well, I would say, you venture a bit further, maybe till the Vintel or Imlith mountains? What do you think?

No more time left for now, I hope I didn't hurry to much!

Did I mention, that I admire you? :D
« Last Edit: 29 January 2013, 00:49:43 by Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels » Logged

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« Reply #14 on: 29 January 2013, 02:41:28 »

@Shab
Yes, it's a two year diploma course.

@Ta'lia
I can't believe that I mixed that up. Looks like I liked the location of the Eanians but preferred the colors of the Tokarians. If it's okay with the higher powers, I would love to keep the red and white as Eanian colors. I feel attached to them now. :P

Wow, my last section was a mess undecided I'm really glad you decided to go over it and bring those things to my attention. I edited liberally (okay, I basically rewrote the entire section) to include the climate of the Gathorn Mountains, the reasoning behind Brynjar being a little less than Ice-Tribe-y in his interactions with Eleanna and then sent him south so he was forced to change his clothes and temporary settle in the Imlith Mountains.

You are a gem. :D
« Last Edit: 29 January 2013, 02:48:46 by Brynjar Grau-eck-Shanno » Logged

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