Bad Poetry by me *hic* or also known as Avásh'aelía's Lament

Dala Valannia

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Bad Poetry by me *hic* or also known as Avásh'aelía's Lament

« on: 16 October 2001, 17:35:00 »

*wince* I had to get it outta my head!! Sorry to inflict you guys with it but this darn thing just had to be written! It's not very good, obviously, the rhyming scheme is all shot to hell and free verse is incorporated there somewhere and form....what form?! But....here is it! Bad poetry by Dala! Enjoy. If you can.

Avásh'aelía's Lament (version 3.5)

The stars are screaming.
I hear them through my eyes.
Black-green stars shriek and sigh
And I forget the world and its meaning.

The dead are singing.
I feel their songs shivering
a crescendo within my bones
They are always around me and still I am alone.

They say I am quite mad.
Like that drowned, gibbering lad;
One plus one gives you eighty-four
And the little girl sits all forlorn.

And even littler spiders scurry, scurry
inside me, weaving their webs;
they sometimes make me sad and weary.
But I cannot stop them, within my head.

hush, let me tell you secrets.
listen, listen ;

babies grow out of walls
with blood on their tiny squealing mouths
as they eat their mothers to live

and

mirrors don't show the truth.
they only show beasties
and dark ugly things
that dance and creep
and crawl

They say I was beautiful once.
And that is true.
And madness is pure white in hue.
That is true too.

I love him
I still do
I hate him
And that is true too.

You made me love you
I didn't want to.
You made me hate you.
I didn’t want to.

do you know?

the prince never rescues the maiden
he just cuts her up and
feeds the pieces to his hungry heart

one last secret
and never more

love is made up of a thousand eyes
bleeding crimson streaked with white
as they shine unblinking in the night-sky

But I am tired now.
And the spiders are again weaving.
Perhaps I shall be lulled,
By the stars and their screaming.

Later, when the grinning moon wanes,
I will dance and try to un-remember
all the different colours of pain.

Edited by: Dala Valannia at: 10/17/01 5:26:43 pm


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Capher

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Re: Bad Poetry by me *hic* or also known as Avásh'aelía's La

« Reply #1 on: 17 October 2001, 01:55:00 »

Dala who is it she loved? Was is Saban II? Who disagreed with her and that's why she went mad, because of love? Any way for a mad woman the poem fits well.

With deepest regards,Capher


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Bard Judith

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #2 on: 17 October 2001, 02:55:00 »

Stunning, not 'bad' poetry at all! A few things could make the impact stronger, if I may add some constructive criticism?

'Stumbling' rhyme works very well, giving the effect of babbling. Formal rhyme and scansion would not seem convincing given the speaker, and 'free' verse is seldom actually poetry. A good balance between structure and freeform. Don't overdo shortened lines for visual effect, however, keep them as naturally spoken pauses between phrases.

The 'if I should die' could be considered bad taste - also an unnecessary parody. We've tried to eliminate 'Terran' references in other sections of Santharia (not always possible) but since this is a well-known phrase, perhaps it could be eliminated without weakening the poem?

The 'secrets' section is dark and shiver-making....very effective ...but why only two secrets? Three is the magic number, for balance, for poetry, for effect.... please, write another secret, and if necessary cut back on the 'framing' parts of the poem on either side of that section.

Thank you for an evocative piece of Santharian myth, history and poetry! Brava!

(applause from the bard)

Judith


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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf / a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; / I love no leafless land." --A.E. Housman

Dala Valannia

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #3 on: 17 October 2001, 03:21:00 »

Um...who did she loved....eh....it's a secret as well...so I can't tell you yet, Capher m'dear

Oh wow, you actually make good sense with your criticism, Judith! Urgh, again, why aren't you my English tutor instead?! Mebbe I would have done better with my final exam....but let's not go down THAT particular pit again! Will now go and try to make the bad poem slightly better with your excellent advice! Ta very much!


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Dala Valannia

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #4 on: 17 October 2001, 04:40:00 »

Ok, did some re-working on the poem. Newer but not necessarily improved >_< Still quite bad poetry really

I took out the 'prayer' part completely as I do think you are entirely right, Bard Judith! It does interrupt whatever pitiful flow the poem has and sounds rather tacked-upon upon second reading. Also reworked the structure a little by inserting the first two secrets after 4 quatrains (though I use the word quatrain very loosely here! By no means can my lines be construed as proper quatrains!) and then after 3 quatrains, another two secrets and thus leaving 1 quatrain and 1 tercet in the end. 4, 3, 1+1.....could that some mutated structural poetical form??

Hmm...not sure if it's better this way or should I group all the secrets together consecutively in one para??

Eeek!!! Writing poetry is HARD! Even writing bad ones! How does Shakespeare, Milton, the Brownings, Byron, Platt, Harrison do it?! And they all done it within a centuries old given structure while I'm already tearing my hair in plentiful clumps, even after throwing ryhming schemes and form, out the window! :eek

Edited by: Dala Valannia at: 10/16/01 5:18:46 pm


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #5 on: 17 October 2001, 07:40:00 »

Well, I like it, Dalá! Rhyme or not, free form or not, it's the overall impression that counts and I guess the Bone Queen is presented very adequately here in her lamentation. Nice work!

I can't critisize much at an English poem, cause I think as a German poet this wouldn't help much (I guess the one longer piece of English poetry I wrote doesn't really qualify me as a critic), but I can only give you an advice: If you aren't satisfied with parts of your poem, don't force it, but give it some time. Quite often the best verses may come to you at moments when you don't expect it, at least this happens to me everytime. Just let the lines go around in your head a while, this often helps. Well, a short poem I write (well, I very seldom write short poems) would need 2 weeks minimum to get finished. And indeed it's not a joke when I say that some poems need 10 years to finally turn out perfect. And you're right: Poetry is intuition plus a lot of work. Even if I manage to write down nearlly the whole intuition immediately, it still requires a lot of work to get it finalized.


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Dala Valannia

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #6 on: 18 October 2001, 05:05:00 »

Very good advice as well, Art

And very happy to know that you like my poem! I know, good poetry, or should I say, absolutely fantastic poetry on par with the masters themselves can take a lot of time and effort. Not to mention whole clumps of hair..... Unfortunately, I'm that sort of person who writes in fits of manic inspiration and once that inspiration wears off..... kaput, the lightbulb over my head goes and nothing spews forth

But I always wanted to try my hand at a sestina.......and probably, hopefully, one day I will! Of course, I'm digging my own grave here but what the hell! Everyone needs that one great, always perpetually unfinished magnum opus looming above his/her long-suffering muse's head

Btw, are you going to put Avásh'aelía's Lament up on the next update? Would like it very much if you do! It's crappy poetry but it IS my first Santharian poem so I'm really actually rather kinda attached to it a little....


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #7 on: 18 October 2001, 10:24:00 »

Of course I will put it up, Dalá! Looking forward to it in fact - if the lightbulb over your head *grin* has gone out and you consider it final once and for all, then up it goes


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Dala Valannia

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #8 on: 19 October 2001, 15:27:00 »

*looks up and check* Yes, the bulb's pretty burnt out, damn....so I guess it's pretty final! You can put the poem as it is now up on the site. Oh yes, don't forget to italicise the italicised parts when you do put it up! Thanks Art!


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Artimidor Federkiel

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #9 on: 20 October 2001, 07:04:00 »

Okeydokey, Acolyte, at your service


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Bard Judith

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #10 on: 21 October 2001, 02:19:00 »

Fabulous work, dear Acolyte...

Perhaps someone will be inspired to set it to music next?

(looks about innocently for someone with a lute)

or possibly illustrate it in a freeform collage?

(looks even more innocently about for someone with a piece of charcoal and a pen dipped in blood)

Very evocative and great reworking (even if I AM prejudiced!)

Regards from the Bard


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Capher

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Re: Avásh'aelía's Lament

« Reply #11 on: 21 October 2001, 03:53:00 »

Your going to give Shakespere fits because he couldn't write such a poem Very good. excellent, bravo *gets slapped in the head8 "Sit down in front and shut up already we get the message."

With deepest regards,Capher


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Bad Poetry by me *hic* or also known as Avásh'aelía's Lament