Santharian Development

Santharian World Development => The Santharian Library => Topic started by: Decipher Ziron on 20 April 2009, 03:14:31



Title: The Tragedy of Epsoria: Prologue
Post by: Decipher Ziron on 20 April 2009, 03:14:31
The Tragedy of Epsoria


Prologue

His palms were sweating. His nerves were uncontrollable. Garius Tisare did not, however, know why. The walls of the Esporian Mansion were impenetrable, the rebellions of the over-taxed citizens proving their strength time and time again. Perhaps it was the fact that Garius had been without his regular bottle of Rizjo wine, or perhaps it was the fact that he wasn’t getting enough sleep, but he felt far from at ease. Even more likely, however, to be affecting his composure was the incident he had just witnessed. His reaction was understandable.

A fist pummelled the wooden door of the governor’s study, the blunt rhythm spoiling the room’s silence.

‘Who is it?!’ yelled the Kogianate, disguising his fear unusually well.

‘Captain Retarius…your good friend, remember?’ the faceless voice behind the door chuckled.

Scrambling towards the door, either hoping to be polite to his visitor or to end his lonesomeness, the increasingly worried politician recomposed his shoulder length hair and allowed Retarius entry. In opening the door he was met by the comforting, fiercely defined face of Teramir Retarius, and an equally fierce pain in his gut. Mistaken for extreme nerves at first, the wettening of his shirt drew great concern from Garius, who examined his abdomen accordingly- only to find a blade plunged deep into his stomach, causing him to bleed profusely. The Kogianate gasped for air.

‘Tera…. mir?’ the governor managed to utter between his desperate panting

‘I didn’t want it to turn out this way either, Garius. I’m sorry.’ The uniformed man said as he removed the dagger from the man’s flesh, adjusting a Bloodstone sovereign ring on his left hand.

As the wounded gentleman collapsed into a puddle of his own lost blood, the Captain hovered over the corpse for a few second before taking his leave. As the wave of light-headedness infiltrated further into Garius, blurring his vision into nothing but a flurry of colours, only one thought ran through the man’s head as he approached his demise.

I knew I shouldn’t have taken this position.


Title: Re: The Tragedy of Epsoria: Prolouge
Post by: Irid alMenie on 20 April 2009, 03:49:17
Hey Deci! Sounds interesting already...

A couple of minor things:

- In your title, you write prolouge instead of prologue

- "Perhaps it was the fact that Garius had been without his regular bottle of Rizjo wine, or perhaps it was the fact that he wasn’t getting enough sleep, but Garius felt far from at ease." > You mention his name twice withing one sentence. Once is enough to know who you're talking about ;)

- "only to find a blade plunged deep into his stomach, bleeding profusely." > I'm sure you want to say that the wound is bleeding, but you make it sound as though the blade is bleeding.

Looking forward to the rest!


Title: Re: The Tragedy of Epsoria: Prologue
Post by: Decipher Ziron on 22 April 2009, 03:56:08
Fixedies


Title: Re: The Tragedy of Epsoria: Prologue
Post by: Sivartius on 07 May 2009, 03:44:06
It reads well. Very evocative. One question. What does the Captain look like? How will we recognize him when we encounter him again. He has a very defined face, but what colour is his eyes/hair/skin?


Title: Re: The Tragedy of Epsoria: Prologue
Post by: Decipher Ziron on 07 May 2009, 04:28:36
The omnipresent narrator will define the man when he is encountered again in Chapter 2