Santharian Development

Santharian World Development => The Santharian Library => Topic started by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 27 June 2009, 15:57:57



Title: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 27 June 2009, 15:57:57
Just an appetizer  (http://www.santharia.com/dev/index.php/topic,13658.msg169893.html#msg169893)for now! ;)

I should be able to get the rest of the chapter up by tomorrow or Monday. I have been procrastinating for too long.  :rolleyes:


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 27 June 2009, 15:58:30
THE STORY SO FAR...


Introduction
A Seagull’s Cry traces Dearan Asaen’s growth from a successful but frustrated young adult to a man with depth of character, vigorous in the pursuit of his own happiness. As Dearan unravels the truth behind his great expectations, the plot escalates - steering him towards maturity and a quest to live in line with his own nature. He emerges from these trials with an invigorating vision of life and an uncompromising belief in the capacity of man to be the master of his own destiny. The story and its memorable characters repeatedly spiral upwards, through anticipation, confrontation and self-correction. The end is a triumph of understanding, and of man’s right to face life on his own terms.

Chapter 1: Adumbration
In Which (http://www.santharia.com/dev/index.php/topic,13636.0.html) the Young Krean mage Déárán, having Done his Duty as an Unwilling Imperial Appraiser, is Confronted by Master Merchant Terensis, the Latter believing Himself to have been Used Most Unjustly... Meet Master Terensis, the Great Vessel, who seems to be less enraged by being Fined than by the fact that he has been fined by A Man Half His Age, whom he considers to be Barely Past Adolescence. But this he will not admit…

Chapter 2: Anticipation
In Which (http://www.santharia.com/dev/index.php/topic,13646.0.html) a more Tender Side of Déárán is Revealed. As Déárán and Khalid continue walking towards Akantha, the lady for whom the party is held, Déárán lets his imagination run wild, with characteristic good-humour and mischief. When they finally meet, the air between them is dominated as much by the Unspoken as by the words that precede and frame it.

Chapter 3: Admiration
In Which, Déárán encounters Faivis Fang Caiaphas - who talks, walks and deports himself so handsomely, so gallantly and so gracefully, that, despite all his misgivings, Déárán’s sense of justice cannot help but wish him every happiness in life, a hundred leagues away. Discover why the young mage Objects to machete-wielding princes, and why skill in swordsmanship does not necessarily qualify one for happiness hereafter.


Chapter 4: Advice
[...]



Title: (Clean version) A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 27 June 2009, 16:03:50
CHAPTER 3
Admiration


It was Fang Caiaphas.

But this they did not immediately see – for Fang Caiaphas was still making his way up the stone steps from the second terrace, pausing at every other step to chat with the people who greeted him and brightening their day for having been touched with his grace. Gradually there arose before the trio his care-free, wind-blown hair, sun-touched face, neck, shirt, belt, trousers, and sandals. Glad was sight, for it rested on the full glory of Faivis Fang Caiaphas.

And it remained glad for some time: Fang, as always happens to people whom one visits and greets acquisitively, was ambushed by yet another devotee, and had stopped to exchange pleasantries, to brighten yet another soul. Fang Caiaphas talked, walked and deported himself so handsomely, so gallantly and so gracefully, that, despite all his misgivings, Déárán’s sense of justice could not help but wish him every happiness in life, a hundred leagues away.

This soul must have been in particular want of lighting up, for the miraculous process – which is usually accomplished by a few well-aimed and well-timed smiles – of transforming a perfectly ordinary (and slightly bored) countenance into one of rapture went on for quite a while. Déárán inspired; Fang Caiaphas awed.

Akantha, as future-mistress of the house, turned towards Fang Caiaphas, who was standing half a dash or so away and had not yet spotted them; laid a hand lightly on Khalid’s left arm, rather like an athlete preparing to spring; drew a long, confident breath; and parted her lips in preparation to exercising her Gift. Some things are instinctual.

“Over here! Fang! Over here!”

The female voice, especially in the context of a social gathering, is a strange battle-cry. It overpowers the commotion of a hundred children, cuts through the mating cries of more than half a dozen Bahimut, but most astonishingly it causes a silence to fall upon members of the male gender, and encourages their bodies to turn towards the source of its emanation, waist-first. Of this phenomenon most members of the female sex are aware from birth onwards; it is an inborn quality, it cannot and need not be taught.

This battle-cry coupled with Akantha’s Gift of making people feel welcome amounted to a devastating weapon. A stunned, silent stupidity blew across the third terrace; the encirclement was hit hardest - having received the full frontal force of the attack on account of blocking the way between Akantha and her target – and suffered the additional disadvantage of being caught unaware, which allowed Fang Caiaphas to sneak skilfully away. Of the invading fleet few masts remained upright/standing.

By the time the task force recovered Fang had crossed the barricade and was in safe harbours once more.

“Akantha – ” he began, but before he had time to fire one of his perfectly formed crooked smiles to disarm his saviours (Gratitude is an undersubscribed course in the school of seduction) Akantha interrupted him:

“I believe you have met Khalid – didn’t you used to go to Temple together as children?” Before either had a chance to respond Akantha placed her free hand on Faivis’s wrist, with the other one still resting on Khalid, whose right arm had not had an opportunity to dislodge itself from Déárán’s shoulder, so that she stood poised between the two, as if by force of muscle she would bring these two continents together should they refuse to be bridged. This she did with such an air of finality that not even Déárán objected. Everybody was going to have a good time, whether they could help it or not; and Akantha was not to be thwarted.


[...]


Title: (Coloured/edited version) A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 27 June 2009, 16:04:59
[Place-holder for now]

PS: Feel free to reply now. I've reserved all the space I need to post the rest of the chapter :)


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 27 June 2009, 16:19:47
Not... enough.... argh ;)


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 27 June 2009, 16:49:13
Haha - thanks Alt! Beginner writers like myself feed on flattery ;P


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 27 June 2009, 16:57:00
Oh, btw, I wonder if Judith can spot the poem that's being referred to? I think she quoted it to me once, around the time I first came to Santharia ;)

Btw, I always include these references to literature for a reason. Usually they offer an insight into what is really going or what is to come, that would not otherwise be apparent for several more chapters to come. A primitive form of foreshadowing I guess. I hope it doesn't come across as toffee-nosed? (which is something I REALLY hate - as might be gleaned from all those asides aimed at such members of the human race that can be found in the text)


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 28 June 2009, 05:19:46
Hello again! Added a few more paragraphs :) The story – or shall I say the characters? - is more or less writing itself, and has consequently taken an unanticipated turn so I am as much in the dark as you are as to how it will turn out!

The text is still a bit rough (well... to put it less diplomatically, it is a first draft through and through) so if you see anything that should be changed, let me know! More to come tomorrow  :number1:


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 28 June 2009, 07:38:17
Is there any reason you name him Caiaphas? Does his name hint for a future development?   :pet:

Quote
The female voice, especially in the context of a social gathering, is a strange battle-cry. It overpowers the commotion of a hundred children, cuts through the mating cries of more than half a dozen Bahimut, but most astonishingly it causes a silence to fall upon members of the male gender, and encourages their bodies to turn towards the source of its emanation, waist-first. Of this phenomenon most members of the female sex are aware from birth onwards; it is an inborn quality, it cannot and need not be taught.

Coren, at your age you should not be able to write such paragraphs!!!  ;)


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 28 June 2009, 11:44:06
Heh... I C&P the whole thing here, but as I read, I never really found too much to critique.  Perhaps one or two run on sentences, but your word usage is so nice that I'm not sure if they need to be broken up. :D


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 28 June 2009, 14:06:28
Thank you both! What a nice way to begin a new day!

@ Talia: Drat! This time it was unintentional. Until you mentioned it, I had not realised that Caiaphas was the name of the High Priest presiding over (or did he just instigate it?) Jesus's crucifixion. Darn! I might have to change the name. I really liked the sound and rhythm of that name! (PS: I pronounce it with four syllables, whereas the Biblical one is apparently pronounced KAY-a-fas. I guess the original Hebrew would be... erhm.. ::surreptitiously opens up a small google window:: Kayafa?) Hmm...

Heh, so you like that paragraph, eh? I also like the last one - and a few of the ones in between ;)


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 02 July 2009, 14:33:58
I have figured it out, why I like this story. :D  I went back and looked at War and Peace (my fave novel) and realized that your style and first scenes, remind me of Tolstoy's first scenes of War and Peace, at the party of Anna Pavlovna.

Very well done.


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Bard Judith on 02 July 2009, 19:56:28
Kaiahphus?   Or Kaiaphas?    Or Chaiaphus / Chaiafeas?

Pronounced 'Kah - I - ah - FUSS'?

Of COURSE, Alt, you brilliant man!  Dickens and Tolstoy make a marvelous combination, don't they? 


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 03 July 2009, 00:27:47
Actually, I've never read Tolstoy - neither Anna Karenina nor War and Peace. :embarrased:

I have been made to read most of Dostoevsky though - does that count?

But thanks for the compliment ;)


Btw, Dear Bard, have you figured out the poetic reference?


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Bard Judith on 03 July 2009, 01:48:05
No, but in my defence, I'm still extremely jetlagged.   Also, at my age, the memory starts to go, doncha know...   A hint, kind sir?


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 03 July 2009, 01:57:34
Quote
Also, at my age, the memory starts to go

Lame excuse, Judith! It doesn't begin before 45...   :grin:


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 03 July 2009, 02:30:20
Ok :) The title and the following sentence are clues: "Glad was sight, for it rested on the full glory of Faivis Fang Caiaphas."


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Bard Judith on 03 July 2009, 10:50:24
Hmmmmm  - Edgar Rice Burroughs comes to mind - either Tarzan or John Carter of Mars.... but any of the authors of that time could have produced such a grandiose opening....


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 03 July 2009, 14:13:30
Wordsworth? ;)

"GLAD SIGHT wherever new with old
Is joined through some dear homeborn tie;
The life of all that we behold
Depends upon that mystery.
Vain is the glory of the sky,
The beauty vain of field and grove,
Unless, while with admiring eye
We gaze, we also learn to love."


I am so sure had the poem quoted at me a few days after my arrival in a moment of annoyance. But it may have been Rayne :P


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang on 08 July 2009, 06:23:48
Hi Coren,

A bit later than I thought, but I've now managed to catch up with Chs. 2 & half-3. Well done! I only found a little thing:

Quote
Everybody was going to have a good time, whether they could help it or not; and Akantha was not to be thwarted.

If they can  indeed help having a good time, they're not  going to have it - or are they?

Did you mean: "Everybody was going to have a good time, whether they wanted to or not"?
Or you could say: "Everybody was going to have a good time, whether they felt like it or not".

Maybe you were consciously trying to avoid exactly what I'm suggesting here, as it's probably not  a new 'joke' ...

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the rest of Chapter 3!

EDIT: PS: If Anna Karenina and War & Peace seem dauntingly voluminous - I quite like Tolstoy's shorter fiction, too. "The Death of Ivan Illich" is one of my favourites!


Title: Re: A Seagull's Cry: Chapter 3 Admiration
Post by: Coren FrozenZephyr on 27 July 2009, 03:20:05
Thanks for the comments Shabakuk! I'll respond to these later this week :)