Santharian Development

Santharian World Development => The Santharian Bestiary => Topic started by: Elron Sylver on 24 September 2011, 08:25:36



Title: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 24 September 2011, 08:25:36
  Umm... I lost the file, When its found I'll update this!


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on 24 September 2011, 15:01:29
Hello, Elron Sylver. Welcome to Santharia. I pop in from time to time, so you may catch me occasionally.

Just a couple of quick comments of things which should be worked on:

1) Do a complete grammar and spelling check. I dunno if English is your first language or not, but my suggestion is to read it outloud exactly what you have on the page and see if it makes sense. There were several sentences which I read in your entry which I stumbled over. So back and re-read it.

2) This kinda goes along with the whole grammar/spelling thing, but make sure you're using correct punctuation and capitalizing proper nouns and the like.

Now, since I don't do a whole lot of entries, this last suggestion will have to be double-checked by a more senior member, but there seems to be a lot of speculation on these fish. I mean, I understand that they're very rare, but are they so rare that no one in all of Caelereth knows anything about them?

Even if nothing is known for certain, surely there can be some legends or something that had some kind of information.

Again, that'll have to be double-checked by someone who knows more than me. :)


Also, just a random note, I would advice against having a place where you ask questions. At least, one post that you would edit. Those don't show up on side bar, so unless someone was watching the topic, they wouldn't notice that you had posted something new. Does that make sense?

Anywho, these look to be very nice fish. One last thing would be I would see if you could flesh them out a bit more. Details are nice, but don't feel like you have to go overboard.

Hope that helps. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. :)


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 24 September 2011, 23:08:40
thanks for the advice, i working on the appearance and a legend or two.
one reason i didnt go into more specific behavior was unfounded and im working on changes. (im in the middle of changes in appearance so please wait to comment that it seems unfinished. anyway thanks


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on 25 September 2011, 01:11:12
If you're still working on it, then make sure you have the pencil icon up. :)


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 25 September 2011, 23:52:57
Edits in amaryllis, Comments in muslin

The Icelandic Silvertail  (I know the term Icelandic is not something I use, by choice, as I don't want to draw comparisons to Terran locales.  Don't know how Talia feels about this, and as she has reserved the Wicker Isles to develop, you might want to check on it.  A quick confirmation by a site search shows only 1 entry (an Overview, even, and not a specific entry) that uses that term, so it might not just be me that avoids that term, consciously.  This applies to each use.  If Talia is fine with it, I won't oppose it, like I said, I just avoid it on purpose in order to be more Santharized :))
Space
Overview
 The Icelandic Silvertail, also known as the Silverfish by the icelandic locals, is vary rare today as it is a big fishing target of the wicker isles (Wicker Isles) near the Icelandic coast (Correct term is Icelands Coast), some rules have been installed to stop the decrease in numbers, yet the locals catch them for their scales and as an adition addition to their suppers. The Silvertails prefer the colder waters of the Icelandic Icelands area, but can be found in other areas (Talk to Talia will become a common theme here in my comments, so Please bear with me.  I know that if it were me (and unless you specify that they are ONLY found within the water just offshore the Wickers, in which I will ask for reasons, it will fall onto me as Ice Tribe developer) I would say that lacking any real way to accurately keep track of fish populations, coupled with the harshness of the environment, that Ice Tribes would be less concerned with eco conservation than with filling their bellies.  If we were talking elves, I might agree this would be acceptable, but I'm not so sure with humans, especially uncivilized humans.  It is fully acceptable to write that the catches in recent years have decreased, and postulate that it is because of over fishing, but I would state that any Ice Tribe living on the coast would only double their efforts to catch the fish.  Talia might disagree with me, as her Himiko are not fashioned after the Ice Tribe template, as such.)
Space
Apearance
 The Silvertail is 3-4 peds in length, and ways weighs between 2-3 fores in weight. (Fores is a measure of length, not weight.  I would confirm that you want these fish to be 3-4 meters in length?  This is fine, I'm just confirming) The head of the Silvertail is silver in color and takes up 2 handsbreath of the total length of the fish.
 Located half a palmspan behind the head is a hole the size of a Santharian san, the Silvertail uses this to go to the surface to breath, it does this roughly 20 times a day.
 The silvertail has scales half a palmspan in length  (Details.  The head is silver in colour, as is the tail (I'm assuming) but is the body?  Does the colour vary from top to bottom, from head to tail?  Eyecolour?  Any mottling, striations or anything?  Where are the eyes located; near the front or rear of the head?  Is the mouth sucker like or filled with teeth?  Located at the tip of the head, or below?  Paint us a picture of this fine fish, as few of us will ever get a chance to see one, other than those of us lucky enough to be born Northerners :) )

Special Abbilities (Abilities)
The silvertail uses wasnt known to have any uncommon traits until a fisherman put one in a bib barrel (Do Ice Tribes have bib barrels?  Not sure about Himiko, but those on the Icelands Coast would not.  Saving rainwater in a place where ice and snow is abundant would not be a priority.  Getting fresh water would not be a problem),  he then attempted to feed it leeding leading to the knowlege knowledge that the silvertail uses its keen sight to spot the prey it then pulls back 9 or 10 peds and then blows through the water like lightning striking the prey with its long teeth after forming a good size hole it stikes its tube shaped tongue and using the hole sprays an acidic material liquidizing the clam and then drinking the mussle.  mussel  (Bit of a run on and confusing sentence, might want to break it into two sentences and clarify your thoughts.) It has been stated that the silvertail may use this in defensive uses (How?)  (Does the Silvertail eat other fish?  If it relies on eating clams, I'm not sure why it would need to attack with lightning speed, as clams are not exactly known for their speedy getaways.  Something eating clams would need to be built less for speed than for strength in order to get through the shell.  Though, I like the fact that they eat clams and like how they disolve the clam in its shell then suck it out.  That is quite good :))

Territory
 The Silvertail lives in the Icelandic ocean (The waters around the Icelands Coast and Wicker Isles is the Ice Sea) around the Wicker Isles, one reason being their feeding seems to mostly come from ternirary cove and three island bay (Ternirary Cove and Three Island Bay), btu (but) there have been many sightings in Cyhalloi and Akdor

Behavior
 The behavior of this fish isn't widely known, exept they travel in groups of 7-12, and live in very defensive protection against predators otherwise everything is myth or guesswork because of their underwater lifestyles.  (I think we need to rephrase this somewhat.  It is a confusing sentence. :)  And, can we elaborate on their behaviour?  I realize some of it would be speculation, but you could state that beforehand.  You have their eating methods detailed, so someone has studied them.)

Diet
 It is speculated that they use their teeth to break the shells of clams and use thier tubelike tongues to spray an acid (aceed; its a Santh term) like substance to liquidize and then slirp up the mussle (slurp up the mussel)  inside and saving the shell for a special use. They are said to eat 20-45 clams a day the females eat twice as much during the mating seasons.

Reproduction
 Again because of their underwater life not much is known about the mating and reproduction of the silvertail, but we have found clams that have the muscle inside eaten out and silvertail eggs in place. one speculation is that all silvertail migrate to Ternirary cove to mate and raise their young,another is that they mate in deep waters and sometimes the tide brings the muscles to the cove, either way the only clam/egg findings have been ternirary cove.

Origin
 The silvertails origins aren't known besides mentions in varius fishing myths and stories, we have speculated a trace to other fish races wich have similarities to the silvertail. (This is the area that you can write some of those myths and stories :))

Usages
 The silvertails scales have been prized as jewelry on crowns and necklaces and even mages staffs (AAAAAH!!! :shocked:  Mages?  In the Icelands Coast?  You have not read enough history, my fiend.  Unless the Himiko have them (in which case, my Ice Tribes will be launching a full scale invasion :evil:)  Even knowing that some southern tribe used them for that specific purpose would preclude trade.  Ice Tribe Lanruls don't wear crowns, but necklaces work, and other jewellry and adornment would be fine), yet their tail when boilled in water and then wiped on a cut eases the pain for several hours, this paste was used in years past for home usages. It is also used for food perposes purposes by the Icelandic population,  (I like that medicinal usage.  Great idea.  Though, is it only the tail?  If so, write that, and maybe speculate why that is.)



Overall, a fine addition to the fish population.  You need to go through it and clean up the sentences and spelling.  If English is not your native language, feel free to ask for help.  There are some very good writers here who can help get your ideas across. 

Details.  Remember, we can't see what you see in your imagination.  You need to transfer as much of it from the grey matter to the entry.  And in details comes research.  Read as much as you can about the area you are trying to develop in.


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 26 September 2011, 00:48:51
Thank you, first about my spelling i didnt pay close attention yet to focus first on the main writing, the appearance isnt finished yet,  thank you for the santharian terms i thought there might be some i could use, as to the fish being built for strength instead of speed


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang on 26 September 2011, 01:07:03
Hi Elron,

And a belated welcome to Santharia from me, too!

I just wanted to drop by to say that I agree with Altario that it might be better not to use the word 'icelandic', as that's the adjective used to refer to Iceland on Earth.

If you haven't already, have a look at this map: The Icelands Coast (http://www.santharia.com/maps/continents/icelands_coast.htm). There you see that the coast is called the "Icelands Coast" (not 'icelandic coast'). And the sea in which your fish is found is called the Ice Sea (as Altario also notes).

So one way of avoiding the word 'icelandic' would be to call your fish the "Ice Sea Silvertail". Just an idea.

Anyway, good luck and have fun with the writing!

Shabakuk


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 26 September 2011, 01:32:37
 Thanks for the welcome and advice making changes.

Color code: Yellow=my own adjustments
                Green=spelling   
                Red=adjustments through commenters ideas


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Seeker on 26 September 2011, 11:25:51
Great start!
Whenever I read a description I imagine in my mind how I would draw or paint it. Altario already provided some pointers here but here are the questions I would have if I were to paint this fish.

 I like that this is an airbreather.  I am assuming the hole is on top of the head like a whale.  Is the tail verticle like a normal fish or is it horizontal like a whale.  I think it would be neat if it is like a fish.  In real life all water mamals have horizontal tails and it would be nice to do something different.

Also would be good to describe the rest of the fins. I am assuming the fish has side fins, maybe some sort of a dorsal fin.  I am assuming these fins (if they exist) are also silver. 

Otherwise seems like a basic fish, maybe like a real life Tarpon (except with a hole on the top).  At least that is what I imagine in my mind.  If you don't want it to be similar to a Tarpon all you need to do is describe its uniqueness with more detail.


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 27 September 2011, 09:45:36
your assumptions are correct about its breather similiar to a whales, and the tail is vertical, I also thought that would be an interesting change.


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 28 September 2011, 21:58:12
ok ready for more comments


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Rayne (Alýr) on 28 September 2011, 23:10:10
Hello Elron! A nice fish you have here. Just a few things of note:

1) Proof Reading
It may be good to give this a read through for mistakes, particularly grammatical mistakes. For example, you first sentence in the overview section is actually a run-on sentence (or, more specifically, a comma splice)! You have two sentences joined by a comma when they should be separated by either a period or a semi colon. This is not the only occasion of a grammatical mistake--nor the only run-on sentence in the entry, so it might be useful to just go through the entry with a good eye and see if you can't find and fix them.


2) British Spelling
Keep in mind that, here in Santharia, we use the British spelling for our entries. Therefore, "color" becomes "colour" and "organization" becomes "organisation," etc. etc.


3) Consistency
I notice that, for the diet, you mention both clams and mussels. Keep in mind that these are actually different creatures! Clams often have a round, off-white shell while the shells of mussels tend to be black and longer. It may be useful do a Google image search on these two shellfish so you can see for yourself, and decide which one should be the diet of such a creature--or, if you perhaps want both included in the diet of these marvelous fish!


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 29 September 2011, 00:12:17
 Thanks for the clam/mussel pointer.
I think I cleared all the grammer mistakes after reading your post.
 If anyone spots more please point them out in detail, so I have a more specific thing to fix.  I think i got most fixed though.


Title: Re: the icelandic silvertail
Post by: Mina on 30 September 2011, 15:21:21
Quote
The silvertail wasn't known to have any uncommon traits until a fisherman put one in a barrel, he then attempted to feed it leeding to the knowledge that the silvertail uses its keen sight to spot the prey it then pulls back 9 or 10 peds and then cuts through the water like lightning striking the prey. Then using its long teeth to cut a good size hole the shell. It then stick's its tube shaped tongue in the hole using the it to sprays an aceed material liquidizing the clam and then drinking the soupy substance left over.
How is there enough space in a barrel to move 9-10 peds?  Are you sure you have the measurements right?

Why do they have to attack their prey this way anyway?  Clams don't swim that fast, I think, and since it can cut through their shells anyway, it's not like it has to catch the clams before they close their shells. 

Also, while its special abilities are stated here, it feels to me more like a description of their hunting behaviour than their special abilities. 

Quote
They appear to be aggressive and only attack through a defensive reflex.
I'm not quite sure what the latter part means.  When exactly do they attack? 

Quote
It has been speculated that the silvertail may use the aceed in defence against predators exactly how is not known.
If they are very aggresive, it doesn't seem like it would be too hard to find out how they do this. 


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 04 October 2011, 08:01:08
 thank you for the barrel thing and the other pointers

ok ive implemented the commenters ideas, and ready for more comments.


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 05 October 2011, 06:12:56
anybody, have more comments? I would appreciate some! or maybe its done :)? though I doubt it. :undecided:


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: seth ghibta on 07 October 2011, 00:19:58
Hi Elron! This is a nice start, and looks like being a really interesting creature. My comments, as is usual for me, are more in the form of questions than anything else, aimed at increasing the detail and integration of the entry. Feel free to ignore some if you want, I’m just throwing out anything that occurs to me. Comments, as usual, in yellow.
                             
 The Ice Sea Silvertail
a categorization here would make things a lot easier for the magicians who put our entries on site. I’d suggest “bestiary> water creatures> fish.” I know it isn’t really, but you refer to it as such throughout, and we don’t have a specific aquatic reptile section, so it’d fit.

Overview
 The Ice Sea Silvertail, also known as the Silverfish by the  locals; is very  rare today as it is a big fishing target of the Ice coast. Some people have cut back fishing due to the decrease in numbers, yet many locals catch them for their scales and as an addition to their suppers. The Silvertails prefer the colder waters of the Ice sea, but can be found in other areas. The Silvertail is an air breather, comming to the surface to breath roughly 20 times a day. The Silvertail is long and slender allowing it to reach amazing speeds and jump out of the water up to 6-7 peds.

Appearance
 The Silvertail is 2-3 peds in length and is about 1-2 hebs in weight. The head of the Silvertail is silver in colour and takes up 2 handsbreath of the total length of the fish. The eyes of the Silvertail resemble a cats and are green or yellow in colour, they are located at the front of the head.  Located half a palmspan behind the head is a hole the size of a Santharian san, the Silvertail uses this to go to the surface to breath; it does this roughly 20 times a day.
 The silvertail has scales half a palmspan in length, these scales have no discerning colour but change with the sunlight from grey to pearl. The tail from which the fish gets its name is a silver colour and is roughly 2 palmspans in length it runs vertically and is 1 or 1 and a half peds high. The dorsal and side fins are also silver; the side fins are a palmspan in length, The dorsal fin runs from behind the head, leaving a palmspan length between it and the tail.
more details please! you've told us certain things about it, buit still I don't have a clear picture of what it looks like: what shape is the head? how does it swim? what do the young look like? tryand give us a clear image of the creature as a whole- feel free to compare it to other santharian creatures, that's something bestiaries were always doing and it's a veyr effective way of describing creatures without fancy scientific language.

Special Abilities
 The silvertail wasn't known to have any uncommon traits until recent studies of this fish led to the knowledge that the silvertail uses an aceed substance to liquidize the clam< a quick check of the bestiary confirms that we don’t have clams, as such, here. Try gnackers, I seem to remember putting them in the ice sea and then drink the soupy substance left over. It has been speculated that the silvertail may use the aceed in defence against predators exactly how is not known. how does it deliver the aceed? Is it its saliva, so they kind of chew it in, or what? Also, they seem at this point to be an intriguing mix of fish and land-animal traits. How about making this into a special ability- how does breathing air help them? Oh, and the aceed defense thing would be excellent against selkies, which I’m guessing would be a major predator, but probably put off by something like that:)

Territory
 The Silvertail lives in the Ice sea , one reason being their feeding seems to mostly come from Ternirary cove and Three Island bay, but there have been many sightings in Cyhalloi and Akdor.

Habitat/Behavior
 The Silvertail is found usually in bays or shallow areas, (although studies show the do travel in deep waters) they sleep in holes or caves. The Silvertails are assumed to travel roughly 3 leagues a day. They travel in groups of 9-15. They appear not to be aggressive and are only known to attack when they [yellow=yellow]feel[/color] threatened.   again, more detail please! How do they behave in their groups- is it just like a shoal of fish huddling together for numbers, or is there a more sophisticated pack/school mentality? How exactly do they attack, and wqhat manner of thing will makew them feel threatened? What’s their reaction to predators? I mentioned selkies before- if they like shallower water I’m guessing they’d be hunted by selkies fattening up before they migrate to land to breed, but also pinnip and similar things.

Diet
 It is speculated that they use their teeth to cut the shells of clams<again, try gnackers here, or check the mollusc list (bestiary> water creatures> molluscs & other) for anything else living in those waters with their surprisingly sharp teeth and use their tubelike tongues to spray an aceed substance to liquidize and then slurp up the slime left inside, saving the shell for a special use.  ahhh, this detail would be good in the special abilities as well. And describing the teeth and tongue in the appearance section would be great as well! They are said to eat 20-45 clams a day, the females eat twice as much during the mating seasons. so they live entirely off shellfish? Lovely. If you could say that explicitly somewhere it’d make things clearer. Might also give a better framework to build things like their behaviour on. If they live off shellfish, they don’t need to travel much- are they territorial or do they move between different patches of shore? Feel free to ignore these questions or think up your own, they’re just intended as starting points. oh, and where you say “saving the shell for another use”, you might want to note that you’ll get to that in a later section, or the reader feels a bit lost. :P

Reproduction
 Again because of their underwater life not much is known about the mating and reproduction of the silvertail. still, if they live by the shore then it’s likely they could be observed. Are they especially shy? You don’t have to say “we’re not sure” just to make it seem authentic- you’re taking on the role of a compendiumist, you’re allowed to know more than the average person about your creature. ;) But we have found clams that have the insides eaten out and silvertail eggs in place. One speculation is that all silvertail migrate to Ternirary cove to mate and raise their young; another is that they mate in deep waters and sometimes the tide brings the muscles to the cove; either way most clam/egg findings have been in or near Ternirary cove. ohh, right! That’s a nice detail, but it could do with elaboration and tying into the rest of the entry- if we know they often turn up, perhaps even migrate to this cove, say so in the behaviour section maybe? If they bred in deep water, why would they- there are big predators out there, remember. Where is the cove? you could mention it in the territory section as a good place to see them, or, if you wanted an excuse to get some real detail on them, even include an account from someone who’s visited the place.
 
Myth
 The silvertail history is mostly found in myths and legends told by the Ice tribes,<semi-colon here some stories state that the silvertail was made by the God Heterniz, who put healing powers in the tail to heal the peoples wounds during battles. A few Ice tribes believe it is good luck for a silvertail to jump over your boat, and that the scales are charms that ward off demons and spectres. these are nice details- I’d love to hear more. Are there reasons why they are seen as such good protector/healer symbols? Perhaps some story of them being placed round the edges of the water to keep the big monsters from coming to plague people? I’m no expert on ice tribes mythology, so you might have to read up a bit first, and by no means feel you’d have to write out the whole myth- just tell us the general form of it if you like.

 Usages
The silvertails scales have been prized as jewellery on necklaces and other items full stop capital letter!these scales are believed to ward off demons. any particular sort of demon?also their tail when boiled in water and then wiped on a cut eases the pain for several hours and cleans the wound,<full stop this paste was used in years past for home usages. Its teeth also are found as daggers by some ice tribes. wow, how big are the teeth? And if the paste was used in years past, is it still? If not, why not? Is it as effective as other pain rememdies? Also, I seem to remember that the northern peoples will eat most things- are silverfish good to eat?

As I said, a really nice start- all the basics are there, but it needs fleshing out into a really well described beast. Make up things, tie it to Santharia as much as you can, and generally try to make it as much a complete creature as you can, and it should be a brilliant beast!


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 07 October 2011, 08:00:02
thank you i will integrate most of your suggestions,
 please check back, thanks again.


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 11 October 2011, 00:37:52
Hello Elron,

I've got some suggestions also, but better integrate seth's first.

there is one problem though:
Quote
The Silvertail is an air breather, coming to the surface to breath roughly 20 times a day

The water of nearly the entire sea around the Icelands Coast, Cyhalloi etc is frozen for half a year, so breathing air might not be possible. You could solve the problem, if you let them migrate to a warmer sea in winter (maybe you don't know where to they are going)

Second - I don't think, that people in middleages did think about if they might extinct an animal or not and therefore restrict themselves. They did not really have the means to do so, not in an environment like the northern one.

I would prefer to have a stable diet for my Himiko ;)

More later!


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 11 October 2011, 06:22:33
thanks i have a good idea where i can migrate them(that was a great suggestion) ;),  and ill see what i ca do about the fishing restrictions.


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 14 October 2011, 01:56:25
Ok, reintegrated comments ( i think i got them all), any more?


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 14 October 2011, 03:42:46
Would like to take this one into the update as well - so if anyone still spots a problem or two, please report soon, otherwise I'll take it in!


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 14 October 2011, 04:19:52
Somethings have not been fully addressed. :)

Who are the "Some people" who have cut back on fishing?  Being in the Ice Sea, not a whole lot of people there and both Talia and I feel our respective Ice Tribes would not be sophisticated enough to know that over fishing is done or that they needed to decrease fishing and possibly starve in order to save the fish.  Personally, I'd prefer to have that removed completely.

Why do they jump out of the water if they live on shellfish?  You make it an amazing feat, so it should be important.  6-7 peds is quite a leap.

"These fish also have a remarkable amount of land and water traits which allow it its range of ability"  I don't understand this sentence at all.  There is no context to it.

demons?

"Their tail when boilled in water and then wiped on a cut eases the pain for several hours and cleans the wound so that the healing process is slowed down a few hours sometimes days"  The Healing process is slowed down?  I wthink you meant sped up?

Many grammar and spelling mistakes in the text as well.  Reread it carefully and use the Spell checker that Arti has so graciously supplied right near the Post button.


 :D


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 14 October 2011, 16:05:23
Art, no way that you can integrate this this week, it has still some problems not solved, unclear things etc., one of them grammar/language.  Read it yourself and you will see.


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 15 October 2011, 06:41:49
Hi Elron,

I was about to do a final check of your entry and help you with the people living there, but as I can see, you have not  integrated all the advice you got, not even grammar ones. (E.G take the vary-very seth corrected for you and you did not see it)

So, first I would recommend to go through your text and clean up your sentences, then do a spellcheck. If there are still problems, I'm sure one of our native speakers will correct the rest for you.

Then go through the major comments AGAIN, those of Altario , Seth, Mina and Rayne. All have valuable advice.

Some examples (but not all!)

Altario - overfishing is rarely possible, there are too few people apart from a lacking sense of that problem, if it could occur. I told you so also.

No barrels for the Himiko either (they live on the wicker Islands and are different from the rest of the Icetribes.)
You can have a glimpse of them if you read the entry about Minoki Kiuru (http://www.santharia.com/people/minoki_kiuru.htm).

Seth  Use her gnackers, don't just say shellfish, so that they can be linked to them in your entry (we love internal links), though I don't know, if shellfish can survive being frosted for half a year. Maybe we have here a special variety.

Migration problem:
The whole north is frozen for half a year, so they will have problems to get in time to Akdor. They wouldspend more time there than in the in the Northeast. I propose , that you write, that they migrate to the South, but nobody knows where to. You as a developer know, that this would be Yamalquain, but this name is not even known in Santharia, so you can't mention it. --> They migrate to the South to unknown regions, but are back when the ice breaks. The Himiko could say, that summer has arrived with your fish.

They do come , because they feed on the abundant gnacker fields, stay for three months and then vanish again.

If you want to have them hunted by all Icetribes, you need to make the territory a bit bigger, the Himiko would not like to see other Icetribes in the Three Islands Bay! There could be a preferred feeding ground though.

Similarity to the yellowtail fish: I think there is not enough to say, it is a cousin. It may look distinctively similar, but there are more distinct features (size, airbreathing, way of feeding, tongue..) I would remove that entirely. Saying it looks like this or that fish does not prevent you from having to describe it.

So, still a bit to do for you, Elron, several hours I would guess :) (Not more than your commentators have spent writing their comments) But afterwards you have a nice entry! :D


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Shabakuk Zeborius Anfang on 15 October 2011, 06:53:21
Yep, I agree with Talia that there is still some work to do and care to apply. To have a really good entry, you need to get the details right.

Note, for example, that you "ward off" demons (you don't "ward of" them). Demons won't go away unless you invest two F! Seth had made a comment to that effect already. :)

Nonetheless, I think you deserve an aura point for your patience and work so far, Elron. Writing a first entry is rarely easy, and there are a lot of things to consider as you get used to Santharia and the process of contributing to the compendium. But you're getting there, and Santharia is not far away now from having Silvertails wriggle in its Northern waters.


It's nice to see that you're playing the Mysteries of Nepris game, by the way. Feel free to let us know what you thought of it sometime, and to give us feedback!



Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on 15 October 2011, 08:27:35
Elron, please don't let Talia's comments frighten you off. :) She is very protective of her areas, as you have discovered.

Like Shabakuk, I think that you are close to being finished, however, just push on and I know you'll get there.

If after this one, you want to move a bit further south, come and see me, I have some beasties and plants and other things in and around 8 Winds Bay that need developing. :)

Dek


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 15 October 2011, 18:38:13
Dek, I don't see, where I have been very protective in this case, that may have been the case with the vulture, but not here. There is not so much to protect. Only some agreements about the regions which are not yet on the site and Elron could not know.

He is busy with Santhworld as I heard :)

Elron, I fear I have forgotten most of Santhworld to help you out there, need to replay it :)


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on 15 October 2011, 20:16:44
Your comment just now proves my point, Talia.

Thank you
:grin:  :thumbup:


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 20 October 2011, 02:49:32
sorry I haven't posted been playing santhworld rpg (recently finished :grin:), I did some grammer work, but im not done yet. Will keep going! (newest changes in lime green.)


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 20 October 2011, 06:08:43
Well?


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Deklitch Hardin on 21 October 2011, 12:06:15
Well what?

In your previous post you said you weren't done yet, Elron. Have you now finished your edits?

Dek


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 21 October 2011, 12:32:02
Still see references to Demons.  Don't think Ice Tribes have Demons.  That's a southern thing.... or Azhira's area.  Unless Talia has the Himiko having them.


Title: Re: the ice sea silvertail
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 21 October 2011, 18:57:55
nada

Elron, tomorrow evening I have guests and I'm busy preparing things....

But I hope, that I find the time to comment thoroughly and give you some Himiko stuff. I really would like to have some more of them for the Himiko, they could be rare elsewhere? Let's talk about that o Sunday or Monday.

I may find a myth for you also, for the Himiko have other gods than the rest of the non-Remusian Icetribes.


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 21 October 2011, 22:34:25
Dek: so far yes,

Alt: I took the demons off,

Talia: thanks, Im researching the Himiko but it'll be great to talk to you about them.



Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 22 October 2011, 10:15:39
OMG!!  Himiko...HIMIKO !!!

For gosh sakes don't let Talia catch you misspelling the name.  I did once and still carry the scars... both physical and emotional...


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 26 October 2011, 04:32:46
Elron, a beginning... I have a cold, my head is big, but tomorrow I'm gone for a few days, so at least some notes:


Elron, the first problem I see here in the overview is, that you overwhelm your reader with too much information and miss some at the same time. EG



The Ice Sea Silvertail is also known as the Silverfish by the Himiko.

The Himiko are not very known yet, so the reader, even if he is knows quite a lot, might not know where to place them. On the other side you miss to name who is calling them Silvertail.  Ice See, where is that? You need to give the most important information first, that the Himiko name it differently than the rest of the icetribes is nothing worth mentioning in the overview.

So, I would recommend to start like this (Use your own words):

Name: Ice Sea Silvertail, Silverfish
Category: Bestiary>Water Creature>Fish

Overview:

The Ice Sea Silvertail or silverfish is an aquatic animal, an air breathing fish. It roams the waters of the Icecoast in North Eastern Sarvonia (--> now everybody knows at once, where this is, approximately), but can be found around Cyhalloi also (Akdor has a very different climate, so I would not recommend to place it there as well. Your fish are migrating South when the winter comes, you say below. )

 It is hard to spot one as it is prey to selkies, and extremely shy.

Is it shy, because it is prey to selkies? Is it hard to spot, because there are not many individuals, or because it hides so well? Where would it hide?

 Many Himiko catch them for their scales which are beautiful enough that they use them on jewellery and as an addition to their suppers.

Scales for supper? The ,enough‘ is not necessary.

You need to introduce the Himiko here:
The Himiko, the tribe which lives on the Wicker Islands..
I think, you should mention the food aspect earlier, for life is hard up there and the use of the scales as jewelry comes second.

The Silvertail prefers the colder waters of the Ice sea but can be found in other areas like Cyhalloi and Akdor.

It is as cold in Cyllahoi as in the ice coast. Just Akdor is warmer.

The Silvertail is an air breather, and is speculated to come to the surface to breath roughly 20 times a day.
I proposed to mention that earlier (see above), the ,how often‘ is too special for the overview, tell it later.

The Silvertail lives entirely off of gnackers and other shellfish and are estimated to eat up to 45 times a day.  

How can you know, that it feeds so often a day? Who has researched that, especially as it is so shy? Keep it a bit more vague.


Please look at your grammar - no capitals after a comma, e.g. :)


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 27 October 2011, 10:33:01
Sorry I havent posted in a while its just work,work,work... it never stops!

Will work on it later, THANKS again...


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 05 November 2011, 22:59:21
Drat... I wont be hear for a few months!(Febuary at most) (international work), i may check in every so often but not enough to finish this.     Would someone (preferably  because its in ice territory one of the northern experts? :noidea:) Finish the grammer mistakes and the other comment ideas, I wish i could stay but I may get a promotion for this. Bye for a while.


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 06 November 2011, 01:07:33
Have a nice time!

The silvertail will wait for you till your return, no worry.


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 29 December 2011, 06:51:29
Aah... :D the feeling of rejoining people who love to dream. Who love as much if not more this wonderfull world I stumbled upon one rainy day while looking for a fantasy game and finding so much more, It's wonderfull to take it all in again. sorry I've been gone so long but I moved after my trip and don't have an internet connection. :(
( I'm at a freinds for a late christmas dinner)


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 29 December 2011, 16:07:31
Welcome back to you as well, Elron!  :thumbup:

Hope you get a chance to finish this one more sooner than later! It's always a pity if an entry has progressed pretty well and then people disappear. Spare the silvertail the fate of extinction before its even on site! :grin:


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 18 March 2012, 02:56:05
Back again, Ive been working offline on the silvertail, and i have a question, is it alright if I post  the offline version in a sperate window until i get feedback on wether its better or not? or should i replace the old one?

I also can check this around once a week now on thursdays (during the afternoon) so look for me then.
I'm going to read my PMs now, bye until I write again. :)


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 18 March 2012, 04:10:06
Well, usually we just replace the initially posted entry with the new version. In case the old version should still be kept as a reference you could add it at the bottom, but its not really necessary - we are confident that the new version is better if you've taken care of the problems that were pointed out in the discussion :)


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 26 March 2012, 00:55:28
The updated version is in, or should be, gotta go.


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 27 March 2012, 05:07:13
Always make sure to check your post first before you let others check it, Elron, because otherwise this leads to a ping-pong game of checks and rechecks, which can take quite a while - and the entry won't be approved very soon. That can easily be avoided if you check your entry very carefully first yourself.

Take for instance the first paragraph:

Quote
The Ice Sea Silvertail is an aquatic animal, that lives in the waters off of the Icelands and Cyhalloi. They are caught by the Himiko (a ice tribe that live on the icelands) who eat the fish although the are rather tasteless, and for their scales wich they use on jewellery. [/color] The Silvertail prefers the colder waters of the Ice sea but can be found in other seas like Cyhalloi. The Silvertail is an air breathing fish that lives entirely off of gnackers and other shellfish (see Diet).

And a version how I would correct it and/or make it better:

Quote
The Ice Sea Silvertail is an aquatic animal, that lives in the waters off of the Icelands Coast in Northern Sarvonia and near the continent of Cyhalloi. Primarily caught by the Himiko (an ice tribe that lives on the Icelands Coast), they are a welcome dish up North, although they are seem rather tasteless to the southern palate. Otherwise these remarkably long fish with a size of 2-3 peds are sought for their scales which are used on jewellery. Preferring the colder waters of the Ice Sea the Silvertail can also be found in other seas like the ones even further north around Cyhalloi. The Silvertail is an air breathing fish that lives entirely off of gnackers and other shellfish (see Diet).

And some notes to give you an idea what makes the difference between the two paragraphs:

- Make sure to provide enough information, so that the reader really knows where you are and what you are talking about (e.g. Northern Sarvonia, continent of Cyhalloi etc.)
- Icelands should be "Icelands Coast" and is actually a proper name, thus it's written with a capital letter.
- Note the proper spelling: Thgey, which - and there's a color tag that shouldn't be in there. All easily to spot if you give it a quick glance!
- Ice Sea: proper name as well.
- "Seas like Cyhalloi" - Cyhalloi is not a sea, but a continent.
- Then another suggestion: If you look at your first paragraph you always start your sentences with the subject. "The Ice Sea Silvertail... They... The Silvertail... The Silvertail..." Now look at my changes, where I mix things up a bit by starting with something else: "Primarily... Preferring the colder waters..." - See the difference? Looks much more elaborate, doesn't it? And all that is required is to be a bit inventive.
- Feel free to embellish things here and there with little details (like the "to the southern palate" reference). Also more information, especially in the overview part, where I now mention their length as well. Helps to give a good first impression of what we're dealing with.

Look at the two paragraphs and read my suggestions, and that should help to get you on the correct path :) Take the time to read and reread your posts and you'll get better at this the more you work on it!


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 22 September 2012, 11:59:30
Im back, and I have my work cut out for me! Hopefully I can work regularly now, lost an updated version along with my laptop so startimg from scratch, Ill say when I think its ready for comments and criticism, good to play again :), later


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 22 September 2012, 15:29:43
Nice to see you back, Elron! Hopefully with a working computer ;) I see you have a plan to get this one done, so go right ahead! Time to get this one up once and for all - I'm looking forward to checking it once you're finished with the changes. :D


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 07 October 2012, 01:02:18
Actually my phone is my new uploader and an old (1995) computer is my writer editor (for now) hope I can finnally get this reworked and edited  ;)


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 09 October 2012, 22:31:42
Judging by the reply which took more than two weeks it looks like your phone connection is a bit slow though, Elron... :)


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Elron Sylver on 24 May 2013, 04:38:29
My phone also gave out darn thing, again I apologize for my disappearance. I have updated the entry hope this is close to finished!?


Title: Re: The Ice Sea Silvertail
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 27 May 2013, 19:38:17
Hmmm... In your first post you state that you lost the file, Elron... So I hope you find it again and then post it!  :cool: