Santharian Development

Santharian World Development => The Santharian Library => Topic started by: Mutare Serphinroth on 17 November 2002, 09:04:00

Title: My long verse story: the beginning
Post by: Mutare Serphinroth on 17 November 2002, 09:04:00
I started a long verse story basically about a wizard. (I'm not giving stuff away!)

Here's what I've so far written (well, a little further, but this much seems finished as a poem). I don't even have a title for it yet. Artimidor advised me to post it so people might already give me advice and I may fix it early on. Please, comments?

*   *   *

A yellow light danced on the road,
The night was cold and dim. It rained.
An old man on a thin horse strode;
His clothes was rugged, torn, and stained,
His stomach - empty as his purse
For many days, but it’s been worse, -
So man had hope and he rode forth.
Away from South, towards North.
Lark’s whistling rang, though still ‘twas dark,
When old man saw town-lights ahead.
A dog behind the barred gate barked;
Gate-keeper showed his shaggy head.
He looked upon the old man’s horse,
Smirking. His voice came out coarse:
“Here lives enough scum of your state.
Shoo! Fear you’ll choke by my gate!”
The old man, smiling in his hood,
Kindly said: “Thank you. I’m quite well.
Please, let me in, I’ll do you good.”
The gate-keeper’s fat cheeks went swell
And he let out a growling laugh.
“Well, old beggar, on my behalf,
I doubt you’d do me good or bad!
To look at you, you must be mad
To talk and not mess letter’s sense!
A strange old tramp you’re to behold,
But, so be it, at your expense -
If you pay me… five coins of gold,
You may pass and go where you please -
Here in my hand I hold the keys.
As curious as you seem at hand -
You may well have what I demand.

Title: Re: My long verse story: the beginning
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 19 November 2002, 15:44:00
Sounds quite promising so far, Mutare, already curious on how it will continue and how long it wil turn out in the end:D

There are some problems here and there I think concerning the usage of too much or too few syllables (e.g. "Away from South, towards THE North" would add a missing syllable) and a bit of ryhming issues (e.g. the last rhyme "hand" and "demand" don't rhyme properly), so I'd check it again in this context a bit.

You always have quite interesting ideas, Mutare, so looking forward to additional verses here:)  

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