What I'd mostly like to see here is more. More details, fuller descriptions. Most of what you have seems to be following the original entry, which is good, but you need to flesh it out a bit more. I think that might also help with clarifying what you intend. The more you give us, the better we can understand where you are going and want to go with this. Talia makes a good point about "more grey areas", but I think if you can fill in your outline a bit more, then we can make more helpful suggestions (I hope they're helpful, anyway!) about what you might want to add/subtract/modify. If you need some help with research, we can assist there as well. At this point, I don't want to suggest that you cut or change too much--those things can always be done later if desired. The most important thing is giving us more to work with so that we can critique more effectively.
It's nearly impossible to write TOO much here--some of our longer entries go for pages. Not that you need pages here, just more detail. I think you have some good concepts here and I'd like to see them developed a bit further.
I hope this is helpful. I'll try and look in more often as things calm down and we get back to a regular schedule.