I hope you had a very happy birthday, Rayne.

She's not already used for anything. As far as I remember, she's just on site as a picture accompanying my poems. She was Ithsje Ciosaskjan, but I'm sure she can be Ithvinna if that works better.

One tiny thing, if it's not too late: Your vanity and sloth has made you unkind --> Your vanity and sloth have made you unkind.

A lovely little entry, Rayne. When do you write them all?

Also nabbed Shaba's opening?

Very, very nice so far.

I'm getting a "Fatal Error" when I try to connect to the RP side. Anyone else have the same problem?

Ath.

Nice! Cheerful, in fact.

Anyway. "Shadowlands of the nroth" -> "Shadowlands of the north".

Seriously, I like it.

Ta'lia, "now" and "bow" most definitely rhyme. It's "bow" as in "I bow my head to the hills, and a stillness descends on my heart."

What's wrong with having the bats just stop flying where they are? It's not like pictures don't have sstationary unsuspended things in them ever.

Well, there's stuff I've found that's not been picked up so far, so if you don't mind I'll finish and post and then let a decision be taken. There's no obligation incurred by the posting of a check, but it does mean that final proofreading is easier.

I personally think that, if this is going to be a case of a few quick fixes as per Coren's comments, it makes more sense to post a check now rather than doing two rounds of edits. If there are major changes that need another proofing, I may not even have time then. As things stand, my best bet for helping with this is posting a Uri on what there is and, if the entry is substantially changed, contributing what I can then. Ultimately, I have to contribute while I can.

And trust me - I have no intention of contending with Rayne on the intricacies of Ximaxian theory, but in "SPAG" four eyes are better than two.

Am Uriing, if that's OK?

I'm no magician, but the Conservation of Voice principle as currently formulated requires that there be a 1:1 ratio of ahm and soor. The harmony is to be "in the form of equality".

Congratulations Kelancy!

I bet you finish before I do...I have regrettably little time for writing entries at the moment, but I look forward to reading yours! I'll even nitpick for you.

You're far too kind, Mr. Anfang.

I have neglected to say how much I've enjoyed this story. It's been a great read so far, and I hope you manage to make some progress with Chapter 10. If in doubt, you could always drop a cow on somebody.

Seriously, keep up the good work.

Athviaro.

I don't think the red bit is needed, personally.

Enjoying thus far! Very nice indeed.

Re. that last point of yours, Shabakuk, I would find something like this flows more easily:

"When the masters came in to refresh the wards, he would pick up his basket - by now invariably empty - and head out. He would pause [or: He always paused] at the door, calling casually over his shoulder just before he left: "There might be more tomorrow. I suppose you will just have to hang around." He would spend [or: He then spent] the rest of the afternoon gathering more of the little round fruit and cooking it with Aunt Winn for the next morning's visit."

I'm no Judith or Rayne, but that's my farthing. Using "used to come in" or "would come in" in the temporal clause seems a bit heavy-handed to me. The repetitious nature of it is conveyed elsewhere.

Athviaro.

EDIT: In speech - to me - the use of the unelided "you will" seems a little forced and requires an emphasis on the verb; I might be being oversensitive.