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ishmaelion
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« on: 26 July 2006, 05:14:11 »

The Tale of Mi'khran and Dilluar

Gather around young folk, for this story I will travel with you into the far past of the Shendar, the desert people. I will go to a time in which the Ráhaz’Dáth was even a more perilous place than now, in a time when the Shendar had not yet adapted to the way of the desert yet. The aj, who play a large part in present Shendar culture, had not yet been tamed, and so much wisdom was yet to be developed.
I will tell you of a romance so cruel, so full of tears and death, so full of pain and sorrow. Yes, indeed, the story of two souls, whose lives were intertwined from the first moment of history. All have their own destiny, but it is my believe that Seyella elected these two destinies to become one, like the all consuming love that existed between them. Of whom am I talking? Well, if you spare me the time, I will give countenance to the tale of Mi’khran and Dilluar…
 
It happened that there were two lovers, Mi’khran, son of Ul'Ghan'a, and Dilluar, daughter of Me'shen'a. They belonged to the clan which eventually would become the Shen-D’aurus. Given their appearance, these two younglings were always looked upon as being Baveras-blessed –They did not know how wrong that assumption would prove to be– because they emanated a tranquil beauty and seemed the true incarnation of pure youth.
 
If one looked into the deep blue eyes of beautiful Dilluar, they would see the eternity, the ever moving waves of their precious Seven Jewels. How foreboding these sights were, they did not realise. Her jet-black hair would reflect the pure passion of Foiros, when it glimmers with the last sun-rays of the lingering dusk. And her face, ah, were hers not such a cruel fate, she would have been inspiration to many a poet or artist, and not just a figure in a tale told by an old man in his last days on this world; when she smiled, it was as if the very air you breathed was sweetened with the subtle perfume of love. How can I describe such beauty accurately, how can I describe the subtle signs of elegance in her every move, the touch of her hand, the sensuality in every single thing she did?
 
Mi’khran seemed the embodiment of strength and agility, possessing the power of youth but also already the stamina of men much older than him. It was a joy to see him climb him the great  dunes of the central desert or participate in other games, his enthusiastic laugh would be heard all over the nomad-camp, inspiring the hearts of the Shendar nearby. His prowess in the hunt was not easily matched, his courage and pride like those of Foiros himself, fierce and flaming.       

There was also another matter which separated these two from the rest; Love. Never before had there been seen a love so fierce, so strong, like a fire which burns unquenchable, the tongues of the flames reaching higher and higher, marking the sky red and full of motion. Never were the two seen separately, always together, in almost every subtle movement of their bodies one could easily read the signs of love, the affection for the other so great, that each seemed less without the other. They lived their lives and they were full of joy, the very presence of them enhanced the group, strengthened everyone’s heart in grief-stricken times, heightening the pleasure in joyous times.

Then it was their fate that disaster should strike the young couple, and it was that day that Mi’khran set out to gather food with his friends. In those days, survival was the most important matter to the Shendar, and if they could not scavenge a meal from the desert, then they would soon perish. The group was travelling towards the Jewels, for beasts were often seen there, when a young friend of Mi’khran, Killuan, suddenly fell to the ground screaming.
It was only then that the group saw the danger. In their youthful enthusiasm, they were all barely a year passed their first kill, they had failed to recognize the rock they passed as one of the dreaded rock-snakes. But they could clearly see the magnificent animal now, its head raised above the ground, its eyes keenly on the man on the ground.
Everyone was as motionless as a adan’sonia tree, not able to move.
It was then that disaster struck for the loved ones. Mi’khran, in his courage, was the first of the men to move. He raced towards Killuan and as he  saw that the snake was about to strike he reached his companion. Pushing his friend aside, he faced the snake alone. But the snake had already begun its strike and under the eyes of his companions, Mi’khran was struck down, falling to the ground whilst holding the snake in a fierce grip. The venomous fangs had pierced his shoulder, and all knew that the young man had forfeited his live. In his last seconds, Mi’khran managed to hold the snake and kill it with a clean blow from his knife. Then they both fell to the ground, their blood mingling with each other, all hope of life lost, and sorrow became the companions. The began the slow and horrid journey back to the camp, Mi’khrans body carried by the others.

Oh cruel fate! Was it not that just that day, Dilluar had went out to see if her beloved was already returning; was it not that just that day, she saw her hope and love vanish in one strike as she saw the body draped on his companions shoulders. There could be no doubt, her soul mate had been bitterly slain and death had overtaken his glorious life.
The young Dilluar fled from the scene, running as fast as possible towards the Jewels, not wanting to go anywhere, just wanting to be nowhere.
She collapsed eventually, on a dune near the Seven Jewels. There fair Dilluar wept and wept and her tears resembled a waterfall so rare in that region. It is said that a small pool was created by her tears and she was in the middle of it. Only the gods know how long she stayed there, on her knees, crying.
Eventually she fell into a deep sleep, overcome by her tiredness, succumbing to the easing blankness of slumber, the soothing emptiness of the land of dreams.
 
She awoke to the sight of small creatures around her. They were sandrollers, a curious type of creature. Small balls of fur they seemed, and they were drinking from her pool of tears. Comforted by the presence of other beings, Dilluar crawled towards them and sat with them, trying not to scare the wild creatures too much. They remained with her there, drinking her sorrow, calming the young broken girl.

When her tears were all gone, the sandrollers made ready to go away, moving in the direction of the Jewels. The once so strong but now fragile mind of Dilluar could not handle this though; she could not be left alone again. Summoning all her energy and strength, she pursued the beasts, in her mind they were the only things in this world which could keep her sane. She managed to follow these little creatures right down to the edge of one of the Jewels. There the sandrollers stopped and started drinking again, not from her tears this time, but from the fresh glimmering water of the Jewel. She fell next to them, and also drank the cool fluid. It soothed her sore throat, harsh and sore from the sandy winds of the desert.

Oh, would it be that the story would end here, the tale not full of doom but of righteous sorrow. But alas, it was not allowed to be so as the sandrollers seemed to be swept away by the waves of the Baveras, right under the eyes of the frightened girl. All her beauty had vanished in the mask of sorrow and grief she wore, and as she saw her last buoy on her lake of sanity sink and disappear under the dark waves of madness, she lost her reason, her life, her passion. She arose and jumped into the deep water, which embraced her with its cool arms. She did not even try to remain afloat; had she done so, she would have seen that the sandrollers were capable of swimming, they had not drowned, they had just acted in their natural capacity. Poor Dilluar just let herself be taken away by the numbing waves, desiring oblivion. Baveras granted her that void of thoughts and took her to the heart of the lake. It is said that she remains there still.

This grievous story ends as they actually all end, with the gods. Baveras, becoming aware of the tragedy that had befallen in her domain, became so angry that she vented all her rage by cursing the sandrollers. She accused them of misleading the young girl, and forever coloured their eyes blood red, to remind all on the death they had caused. In addition, she banned the sandrollers from her domain forever; they would never be able to swim in the water again, they would simply float, almost never touching the water, the waves of the Jewels.

Thus ends this tale, it is not full of joy, no, but then again, is this world not wrought with tears and sorrow? Is it not just that which gives us our history, our identity? We are shaped by the tales of people like Mi’khran the Brave and Dilluar the Fair, they affect us in a way which we’ll never truly understand, but also in a way which will change our hearts forever.

« Last Edit: 12 August 2006, 20:14:36 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: 26 July 2006, 05:58:23 »

Not all works, Ishmaelion, but it is very nicely wriiten!
(no time for the sandroller now)





Gather around young folk, for I will tell you of a romance so cruel, so full of tears and death, so full of joy and sorrow. Yes, indeed, the story of two souls, whose lives were intertwined from the first moment of history. All have their own destiny, but it is my believe that the gods maybe just Seyella? elected these two destinies to become one, like the all consuming love that existed between them. Of whom am I talking? Well, if you spare me the time, I will give countenance to the tale of Mi’khran and Dilluar…
 
It happened that there were two lovers, Mi’khran the young and Dilluar the fair Not really shendar names, they would have a XXX, son of YY or daughter of (including fair...) . They lived in a small village near Rahmat. Not possible, for Rahmat is never at one place for a longer time, nor do Shendar live in „settlements“, permanent villages. The move always on and meet or travel together only sometimes in bigger groups. Haven‘t thought about how these non- permanent places could be called either. Maybe just say, they lived in a small group of family domes?Given their appearance, these two younglings were always looked upon as being god-blessed – How wrong that assumption was, they did not know – because they emanated beauty and seemed the true incarnation of pure youth.
By now I would like to know, how these two looked like! Again, it is better you name a god than saying just „god-blessed“
It is said, although these are only rumours which have reached my old ears as subtly as the wind, that during the Shendar Bonding, Dilluar went out towards a young aj and her calming presence soothed the wild animal. Instead of having to follow the noble creature for days, the aj immediately took affection to the young girl which had enchanted it by her luminous brightness.
No following, they are in a fenced area! Mi’khran on the other hand, only won the affection of his aj when he had stayed for a long week, One week is not long. Maybe you find GaeLynns not titled CD, she described the bonding nicely.waking with the beast, never giving up, always trying to be attentive and careful.
These actions only enhanced the awe in which these two younglings were regarded, but there was also jealousy and envy, because many of the other youths could not cope with the fact that they didn’t have the beauty nor the skill of these two divine creatures.
There was also another matter which separated these two from the rest; Love. Never before had there been seen a love so fierce, so strong, like a fire which burns unquenchable, the tongues of the flames reaching higher and higher, marking the sky red and full of motion. Never were the two seen separately, always together, in almost every subtle movement of their bodies one could easily read the signs of love, the affection for the other so great, that each seemed less without the other.
Their love caused many a gossip in the village, in the domes and in the beginning, everybody was full of joy that such a couple lived in their settlement.see above ..with them But envy is never far away from the hearts of men, and so it came to pass that with each fleeting day, the couple became more and more disliked by their environment. This jealousy was allowed to prosper and the seeds of dissent which were sowed eventually grew up to be a bitter weed, a vile, corpulent plant, with black flowers, boding ill to the young couple.
Not a very Shendar like behaviour, this envy. Maybe they were just talking about this 2unshendar-like behaviour, maybe they neglected their ajs? And you can‘t use „black flowers“, see geans new submission
One night, the villainous villagers abducted poor Dilluar from her bed, and took her with them into the black night, towards the desert. They dumped her near the Seven Jewels, leaving her there, the sleeping beauty.

Mi’khran they tied to his bed post, to make sure that the two would be separated for a while. They wanted to let the two suffer alone, not being able to find sustenance in the other.
No Ishmaelion, that is not Shendar-like, they would tease etc, but this is a society where mainly the woman have a say, no mother of a dome would allow that.
When Dilluar awoke, she rose up and looked around her. The sheer emptiness of the desert was not new to her, but this time there was an added dimension to it. She felt her heart tear as she saw the note which lay on the ground. It was written by her beloved one it said, and she saw his seal on the closure. She opened it and as she glanced through it tears suddenly welled up in her eyes and she fell to her knees. The note had contained little words, but they were more powerful than the gods themselves. It said thus:
Well, most Shendar can‘t write, therefor their oral tradition. something like a seal would surely not be used by youngsters

“Our love is over. There is nothing now, only damnation. I do not wish to lay eyes on you ever again,
Mi’khran”

Fair Dilluar wept and wept and her tears resembled a waterfall so rare in that region. It is said that a small pool was created by her tears and she was in the middle of it. Only the gods know how long she stayed there, on her knees, crying.
Not for long - in the hot sun

Eventually she fell into a deep sleep, overcome by her tiredness, succumbing to the easing blankness of slumber, the soothing emptiness of the land of dreams.
She awoke to the sight of small creatures around her. They were sandrollers, a curious type of creature. Small balls of fur they seemed, and they were drinking from her pool of tears. Comforted by the presence of other beings, Dilluar crawled towards them and sat with them, trying not to scare the wild creatures too much. They remained with her there, drinking her sorrow, calming the young broken girl.
When her tears were all gone, the sandrollers made ready to go away, moving in the direction of the Jewels. The fragile mind of Dilluar could not handle this though; she could not be left alone again. Summoning all her energy and strength, she pursued the beasts, in her mind they were the only things in this world which could keep her sane. She managed to follow these little creatures right down to the edge of one of the Jewels. There the sandrollers stopped and started drinking again, not from her tears this time, but from the fresh glimmering water of the Jewel. She fell next to them, and also drank the cool fluid. It soothed her sore throat, harsh and sore from the sandy winds of the desert.
Oh, would it be that the story would end here, the tale not full of doom but of righteous sorrow. But alas, it was not allowed to be so, as Baveras let the waves of the Jewel become fierce and mighty, and thus the sandrollers were swept away by them, right under the eyes of the frightened girl. All her beauty had vanished in the mask of sorrow and grief she wore, and as she saw her last buoy on her lake of sanity sink and disappear under the dark waves of madness, she lost her reason, her life, her passion. She arose and jumped into the deep water, which embraced her with its cool arms. She did not even try to remain afloat; she just let herself be taken away by the numbing waves, desiring oblivion. Baveras granted her that void of thoughts and took her to the heart of the lake. It is said that she remains there still.
By that time, Mi’khran arrived at the Jewel. He had awoken alone in the village, and after freeing himself from his bonds and obtaining the horrible truth from his fellow villagers, he travelled towards the lake. He had found the fake not on which a terrible lie was written, and also the footprints which let from that place towards the Jewel. When he arrived at the Jewel, the last thing he saw was his beloved one fading from his sight.
They say that his cry of anguish could be heard throughout the whole desert, and I am one to believe that story. For in that cry was included all the pain and sorrow of losing one so beloved, so beautiful, that living was made almost impossible. And it was thus that Mi’khran took from his pocket a knife, and ended his life at that lake.
This grievous story ends as they actually all end, with the gods. Baveras, becoming aware of the tragedy that had befallen in her domain, became so angry that she vented all her rage by cursing the sandrollers. She accused them of misleading the young girl, and forever coloured their eyes blood red, to remind all on the deaths they had caused.
As time passed, Baveras came to senses and gave the sandrollers a blessing to amend the curse. Henceforth the sandrollers could not be affected by the drowning waters of the Baveras domain.       

Thus ends this tale, it is not full of joy, no, but then again, is this world not wrought with tears and sorrow? Is it not just that which gives us our history, our identity? We are shaped by the tales of people like Mi’khran the Brave and Dilluar the Fair, they affect us in a way which we’ll never truly understand, but also in a way which will change our harts forever…


  Ishmaelion, this is a very nice myth about the sandrollers, but not fitting for the Shendar. I have however a solution for you, though this needs a bit of rewriting. you may not like the end, but it would be very Shendaresque (is this a word?)

Keep the  two lovers, but make clear, that they care more for their resective ajs, but that must not be very obvious in the beginning.

Then let happen a tragic accident, the aj of the girl dies (maybe you find another possibility than a Rahaz-Estar) . Or you turn the things around, and the boy‘s aj dies when he is trying to kill a Rahaz-Estar when not prepared for it (he was so skilled and gifted, maybe he was driven to show it to his people or his love? He/she gets partly mad throuhg the loss and he/she runds out in the desert till exhaustion, where she falls asleep etc. The next day the sandrollers give her her sanity back and show her the way to the water. When they vanish she snaps again and drowns herself.

The partner now will come too late, but at the brink of killing himself he thinks at his/her aj and doesn‘t do it.

Here you would have your sandrollers myth AND a story about the bonding (read heart‘s desire: „You can set away a husband but never let die your aj!“ Or the shendar death rites. Nobody would kill himself and cause the death of his aj‘nuvic. he has always solace in his bondingpartner.

What do you think?

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« Reply #2 on: 26 July 2006, 15:41:02 »

hmm, yes, thanks Talia for your expertise on the subject! I wrote this story last night in somewhat of a blurt of inspiration, so I hadn't checked that many a thing buck

As to your comments:
By the name-part, do you mean like Mi'khran, son of Ul'ghar and Dilluar, daughter of Mishena ?

"Not possible, for Rahmat is never at one place for a longer time, nor do Shendar live in „settlements“, permanent villages. The move always on and meet or travel together only sometimes in bigger groups. Haven‘t thought about how these non- permanent places could be called either. Maybe just say, they lived in a small group of family domes?"

I think small group would be best, as family is not wat I intended to when I wrote the story, there have to be non-related Shendar there too.

"By now I would like to know, how these two looked like!"

hehe, yeah, sorry, I had them so clear in my head that I did not even think about describing them:p It was so obvious to me... But to keep it all Shendar, they would probably be scent-people, right? So also their image of what is fair is important, I'll look into that.

As to your suggestions, it will be a hell of a re-write, but I'll buy in to that. I think I'll go with the boy seemingly getting killed by a (looks up the correct spelling) Rahaz-Estar. And this gives us the solution for the end also, if I let Mi'khran get killed by a beast, he will not even have the opportunity to commit suicide or not. He will already lie under the sodden ground:p The whole insane Dilluar part could still work then.

Again, thanks for the lovely comments, Talia, I'm learning more about Santharia every day by such constructive commenting grin

EDIT: Talia, is this more to your liking?
« Last Edit: 26 July 2006, 16:58:04 by ishmaelion » Logged

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« Reply #3 on: 26 July 2006, 17:00:48 »

Ishmaelion, if you want to have a fair girl, then just write, that she is partly from the Shen'khasi, for they have an occasional kid who is fair.

Mi'khran, son of Ul'ghar --as long as Ul'ghar is a female name ;)
Dilluar, daughter of Mishena (Mi'shen'a)

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« Reply #4 on: 26 July 2006, 17:10:18 »

OKiedokie, editted it. I added the Shen'khasi bit, don't know if I got it correct though. The name is editted to, Ul'ghar isn't really feminin, so I made it into Ul'ghan'a, which has more sound to it.
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« Reply #5 on: 26 July 2006, 20:22:01 »

I tried split it up into paragraphs so that it reads easier, I also corrected two spelling mistakes I found, but there may be more.



Gather around young folk, for I will tell you of a romance so cruel, so full of tears and death, so full of pain and sorrow. Yes, indeed, the story of two souls, whose lives were intertwined from the first moment of history. All have their own destiny, but it is my believe that Seyella elected these two destinies to become one, like the all consuming love that existed between them. Of whom am I talking? Well, if you spare me the time, I will give countenance to the tale of Mi’khran and Dilluar…
 
It happened that there were two lovers, Mi’khran, son of Ul'Ghan'a and Dilluar, daughter of Me'shen'a. They lived in a small group near the forever moving nomadic city of Rahmat. Given their appearance, these two younglings were always looked upon as being Baveras-blessed – How wrong that assumption was, they did not know – because they emanated a tranquil beauty and seemed the true incarnation of pure youth.
 
If one looked into the deep blue eyes of fair Dilluar, who is partly Shen'khasi, who produce fair children once in a while,  they would see the eternity, the stillness of the waves of their precious Jewels. How foreboding these sights were, they did not realise. Her jet-black hair would reflect the pure passion of Foiros, when it glimmers with the last sun-rays of the lingering dusk. And her face, ah, were hers not such a cruel fate, she would have been inspiration to many a poet or artist, and not just a figure in a tale told by an old man in his last days on this world; when she smiled, it was as if the very air you breathed was sweetened with the subtle perfume of love. How can I describe such beauty accurately, how can I describe the subtle signs of elegance in her every move, the touch of her hand, the sensuality in every single thing she did.
 
Mi’khran seemed the embodiment of strength and agility, possessing the power of youth but also already the stamina of men much older than him. It was a joy to see him climb trees or participate in other games, his enthusiastic laugh would be heard all over the nomad-camp, inspiring the hearts of the Shendar nearby. His prowess in the hunt was not easily matched, his courage and pride like the those of Foiros himself, fierce and flaming.       
It is said, although these are only rumours which have reached my old ears as subtly as the wind, that during the Shendar Bonding, Dilluar went out towards a young aj and her calming presence soothed the wild animal. Instead of having to wait with the noble creature for days, the aj immediately took affection to the young girl which had enchanted it by her luminous brightness. Mi’khran on the other hand, only won the affection of his aj when he had stayed for a very long time, waking with the beast, never giving up, always trying to be attentive and careful.
 
These actions only enhanced the awe in which these two younglings were regarded. There was also another matter which separated these two from the rest; Love. Never before had there been seen a love so fierce, so strong, like a fire which burns unquenchable, the tongues of the flames reaching higher and higher, marking the sky red and full of motion. Never were the two seen separately, always together, in almost every subtle movement of their bodies one could easily read the signs of love, the affection for the other so great, that each seemed less without the other.They lived their lives and they were full of joy, the very presence of them enhanced the group, strengthened everyone’s heart in grief-stricken times, heightening the pleasure in joyous times.

Then it was Seyellas wish that disaster should strike the young couple, and it was that day that Mi’khran set out to hunt with his friends. The group had set its sights on killing one of the fierce Ráhaz'Estár, the rock snakes of the desert. They were riding on their ajs when suddenly one buckled and collapsed to the ground, throwing its rider, a man named Killuan, to the ground. It was only then that the group saw the danger. In their youthful enthusiasm, they were all barely a year passed their first kill, they had failed to recognize the rock they passed as one of the snakes. But they could clearly see the magnificent animal now, its head raised above the ground, its eyes keenly on the man on the ground. Everyone was as motionless as a adan’sonia tree, not able to move.

It was then that disaster struck for the loved ones. Mi’khran, in his courage, was the first of the men to move. He threw himself of his aj and raced towards Killuan. He saw that the snake was about to strike and pushing his friend aside, he faced the snake alone. But the snake had already begun its strike and under the eyes of his companions, Mi’khran was struck down, falling to the ground whilst holding the snake in a fierce grip. The venomous fangs had pierced his shoulder, and all knew that the young man had forfeited his live. In his last seconds, Mi’khran managed to hold the snake and kill it with a clean blow from his knife. Then they both fell to the ground, their blood mingling with each other, all hope of life lost, and sorrow became the companions. The began the slow and horrid journey back to the camp, Mi’khrans body draped over his aj.

Oh cruel fate! Was it not that just that day, Dilluar had went out to see if her beloved was already returning; was it not that just that day, she saw her hope and love vanish in one strike as she saw the body on his aj. There could be no doubt, her soul mate had been bitterly slain and death had overtaken his glorious life.
The young Dilluar fled from the scene, running as fast as possible towards the Jewels, not wanting to go anywhere, just wanting to be nowhere.

She collapsed eventually, on a dune near the Seven Jewels. There fair Dilluar wept and wept and her tears resembled a waterfall so rare in that region. It is said that a small pool was created by her tears and she was in the middle of it. Only the gods know how long she stayed there, on her knees, crying.
Eventually she fell into a deep sleep, overcome by her tiredness, succumbing to the easing blankness of slumber, the soothing emptiness of the land of dreams.
 
She awoke to the sight of small creatures around her. They were sandrollers, a curious type of creature. Small balls of fur they seemed, and they were drinking from her pool of tears. Comforted by the presence of other beings, Dilluar crawled towards them and sat with them, trying not to scare the wild creatures too much. They remained with her there, drinking her sorrow, calming the young broken girl.

When her tears were all gone, the sandrollers made ready to go away, moving in the direction of the Jewels. The once so strong but now fragile mind of Dilluar could not handle this though; she could not be left alone again. Summoning all her energy and strength, she pursued the beasts, in her mind they were the only things in this world which could keep her sane. She managed to follow these little creatures right down to the edge of one of the Jewels. There the sandrollers stopped and started drinking again, not from her tears this time, but from the fresh glimmering water of the Jewel. She fell next to them, and also drank the cool fluid. It soothed her sore throat, harsh and sore from the sandy winds of the desert.

Oh, would it be that the story would end here, the tale not full of doom but of righteous sorrow. But alas, it was not allowed to be so, as Baveras let the waves of the Jewel become fierce and mighty, and thus the sandrollers were swept away by them, right under the eyes of the frightened girl. All her beauty had vanished in the mask of sorrow and grief she wore, and as she saw her last buoy on her lake of sanity sink and disappear under the dark waves of madness, she lost her reason, her life, her passion. She arose and jumped into the deep water, which embraced her with its cool arms. She did not even try to remain afloat; she just let herself be taken away by the numbing waves, desiring oblivion. Baveras granted her that void of thoughts and took her to the heart of the lake. It is said that she remains there still.

This grievous story ends as they actually all end, with the gods. Baveras, becoming aware of the tragedy that had befallen in her domain, became so angry that she vented all her rage by cursing the sandrollers. She accused them of misleading the young girl, and forever coloured their eyes blood red, to remind all on the death they had caused.

As time passed, Baveras came to senses and gave the sandrollers a blessing to amend the curse. Henceforth the sandrollers could not be affected by the drowning waters of the Baveras domain.       

Thus ends this tale, it is not full of joy, no, but then again, is this world not wrought with tears and sorrow? Is it not just that which gives us our history, our identity? We are shaped by the tales of people like Mi’khran the Brave and Dilluar the Fair, they affect us in a way which we’ll never truly understand, but also in a way which will change our hearts forever
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« Reply #6 on: 26 July 2006, 20:23:31 »

Thanks, Decipher!

EDIT: I used some of your paragraphs, but felt the need to keep some parts of the story together, to keep the tension in those parts...
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« Reply #7 on: 27 July 2006, 01:49:27 »

Hey! It's your story! You could complete ignore me if you wanted to (But please don't cry)

By the way this bit confused me when I first read it:

...two lovers, Mi’khran, son of Ul'Ghan'a and Dilluar, daughter of Me'shen'a....

I think it would suffice to just but a comma between 'Ul'Ghan'a' and 'and'
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« Reply #8 on: 27 July 2006, 15:13:53 »

Again, thanks Decipher!
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« Reply #9 on: 01 August 2006, 05:03:47 »

Gather around young folk, for I will tell you of a romance so cruel, so full of tears and death, so full of pain and sorrow. Yes, indeed, the story of two souls, whose lives were intertwined from the first moment of history. All have their own destiny, but it is my believe that Seyella elected these two destinies to become one, like the all consuming love that existed between them. Of whom am I talking? Well, if you spare me the time, I will give countenance to the tale of Mi’khran and Dilluar…
 
It happened that there were two lovers, Mi’khran, son of Ul'Ghan'a, and Dilluar, daughter of Me'shen'a. They lived in a small group near the forever moving nomadic city of Rahmat.
Please don‘t take Rah‘mat, for itis not even existing all time through the year. why not take Uderza or just say, they lived belonged to the Shen-D‘auras, not mentioning a place??
 Given their appearance, these two younglings were always looked upon as being Baveras-blessed – How wrong that assumption was, they did not know – because they emanated a tranquil beauty and seemed the true incarnation of pure youth.
Your sentence structure doesn‘t work this way, you need to put this „How wrong..“ at the end.
 
If one looked into the deep blue eyes of fair Dilluar, who was partly Shen'khasi, who produce fair children once in a while,
Your explanation from where the fair hair comes disturbes the romantic setting you are aiming for, just skip the explanation, you don‘t need it in a story.
  they would see the eternity, the stillness of the waves of their precious Jewels. Stillness of waves, how goes that together? How foreboding these sights were, they did not realise. Her jet-black
is she now blond or fair? hair would reflect the pure passion of Foiros, when it glimmers with the last sun-rays of the lingering dusk. And her face, ah, were hers not such a cruel fate, she would have been inspiration to many a poet or artist, and not just a figure in a tale told by an old man in his last days on this world; when she smiled, it was as if the very air you breathed was sweetened with the subtle perfume of love. How can I describe such beauty accurately, how can I describe the subtle signs of elegance in her every move, the touch of her hand, the sensuality in every single thing she did.
 
Mi’khran seemed the embodiment of strength and agility, possessing the power of youth but also already the stamina of men much older than him. It was a joy to see him climb trees maybe better ..“climb him the great  dunes of the central desert? or participate in other games, his enthusiastic laugh would be heard all over the nomad-camp, inspiring the hearts of the Shendar nearby. His prowess in the hunt was not easily matched, his courage and pride like the those of Foiros himself, fierce and flaming.       

It is said, although these are only rumours which have reached my old ears as subtly as the wind, that during the Shendar Bonding, Dilluar went out towards a young aj and her calming presence soothed the wild animal. Instead of having to wait with the noble creature for days, the aj immediately took affection to the young girl which had enchanted it by her luminous brightness. Mi’khran on the other hand, only won the affection of his aj when he had stayed for a very long time, waking with the beast, never giving up, always trying to be attentive and careful.
 These actions only enhanced the awe in which these two younglings were regarded. There was also another matter which separated these two from the rest; Love. Never before had there been seen a love so fierce, so strong, like a fire which burns unquenchable, the tongues of the flames reaching higher and higher, marking the sky red and full of motion. Never were the two seen separately, always together, in almost every subtle movement of their bodies one could easily read the signs of love, the affection for the other so great, that each seemed less without the other.They lived their lives and they were full of joy, the very presence of them enhanced the group, strengthened everyone’s heart in grief-stricken times, heightening the pleasure in joyous times.

Then it was Seyellas wish that disaster should strike the young couple, and it was that day that Mi’khran set out to hunt with his friends.

No, it is not seyellas wish,but  she can‘t prevent it (read entry!!)The group had set its sights on killing one of the fierce Ráhaz'Estár, the rock snakes of the desert.
No, such young guys are not setting out to hunt the snake, only those who aim to be a full warrior do. but they could hunt something else and be surprised by a snake They were riding on their ajs when suddenly one buckled and collapsed to the ground, throwing its rider, a man named Killuan, to the ground. It was only then that the group saw the danger. In their youthful enthusiasm, they were all barely a year passed their first kill, they had failed to recognize the rock they passed as one of the snakes. But they could clearly see the magnificent animal now, its head raised above the ground, its eyes keenly on the man on the ground.
Why did the animal stumble? And iis it not a big conincidence, that a rocksnake is just then nearby? it would not attack a fast aj, therefore it is too slow. Everyone was as motionless as a adan’sonia tree, not able to move.
It was then that disaster struck for the loved ones. Mi’khran, in his courage, was the first of the men to move. He threw himself of his aj and raced towards Killuan. He saw that the snake was about to strike and pushing his friend aside, he faced the snake alone. But the snake had already begun its strike and under the eyes of his companions, Mi’khran was struck down, falling to the ground whilst holding the snake in a fierce grip. The venomous fangs had pierced his shoulder, and all knew that the young man had forfeited his live. In his last seconds, Mi’khran managed to hold the snake and kill it with a clean blow from his knife. Then they both fell to the ground, their blood mingling with each other, all hope of life lost, and sorrow became the companions. The began the slow and horrid journey back to the camp, Mi’khrans body draped over his aj.

Ishmaelion, you need to read more about the people you write about! Read the Shendar Death Rites to get to know, how the aj will react!

Oh cruel fate! Was it not that just that day, Dilluar had went out to see if her beloved was already returning; was it not that just that day, she saw her hope and love vanish in one strike as she saw the body on his aj. There could be no doubt, her soul mate had been bitterly slain and death had overtaken his glorious life.
The young Dilluar fled from the scene, running as fast as possible towards the Jewels, not wanting to go anywhere, just wanting to be nowhere.
She collapsed eventually, on a dune near the Seven Jewels. There fair Dilluar wept and wept and her tears resembled a waterfall so rare in that region. It is said that a small pool was created by her tears and she was in the middle of it. Only the gods know how long she stayed there, on her knees, crying.
Eventually she fell into a deep sleep, overcome by her tiredness, succumbing to the easing blankness of slumber, the soothing emptiness of the land of dreams.

Again, her aj would feel her sorrow and come to see for her
 
She awoke to the sight of small creatures around her. They were sandrollers, a curious type of creature. Small balls of fur they seemed, and they were drinking from her pool of tears. Comforted by the presence of other beings, Dilluar crawled towards them and sat with them, trying not to scare the wild creatures too much. They remained with her there, drinking her sorrow, calming the young broken girl.

When her tears were all gone, the sandrollers made ready to go away, moving in the direction of the Jewels. The once so strong but now fragile mind of Dilluar could not handle this though; she could not be left alone again. Summoning all her energy and strength, she pursued the beasts, in her mind they were the only things in this world which could keep her sane. She managed to follow these little creatures right down to the edge of one of the Jewels. There the sandrollers stopped and started drinking again, not from her tears this time, but from the fresh glimmering water of the Jewel. She fell next to them, and also drank the cool fluid. It soothed her sore throat, harsh and sore from the sandy winds of the desert.

Oh, would it be that the story would end here, the tale not full of doom but of righteous sorrow. But alas, it was not allowed to be so, as Baveras let the waves of the Jewel become fierce and mighty, and thus the sandrollers were swept away by them, right under the eyes of the frightened girl. All her beauty had vanished in the mask of sorrow and grief she wore, and as she saw her last buoy on her lake of sanity sink and disappear under the dark waves of madness, she lost her reason, her life, her passion. She arose and jumped into the deep water, which embraced her with its cool arms. She did not even try to remain afloat; she just let herself be taken away by the numbing waves, desiring oblivion. Baveras granted her that void of thoughts and took her to the heart of the lake. It is said that she remains there still.

As I commented already above - the bonding wit the aj is stronger than anything else, your girl would not forget her aj.

This grievous story ends as they actually all end, with the gods. Baveras, becoming aware of the tragedy that had befallen in her domain, became so angry that she vented all her rage by cursing the sandrollers. She accused them of misleading the young girl, and forever coloured their eyes blood red, to remind all on the death they had caused.
But Baveras sent the waves, didn‘t she? that is a bit illogical. 
As time passed, Baveras came to senses and gave the sandrollers a blessing to amend the curse. Henceforth the sandrollers could not be affected by the drowning waters of the Baveras domain.   
Why not turn the story a bit around? More like in your sandroller entry - the sandrollers were able to swin and dive before that event, and they dived into the water with the girl following. Baveras was so angra, that they banned them from her realms , so they are now just able to float, but not to dive anymore?

Thus ends this tale, it is not full of joy, no, but then again, is this world not wrought with tears and sorrow? Is it not just that which gives us our history, our identity? We are shaped by the tales of people like Mi’khran the Brave and Dilluar the Fair, they affect us in a way which we’ll never truly understand, but also in a way which will change our hearts forever

Ishmaelion, you have some severe problems here with the Shendar culture. I would propose, that you set the story far back, it is anyway a myth, before the time when the Shendar bonded wiht the ajs and avoid them totoally, whart do you think?
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« Reply #10 on: 01 August 2006, 18:52:02 »

Talia, I think your last comment is a very good one. It is hard for me to write a tale which I have envisioned to myself without adapting it to who I am, I write pretty much from the heart one could say. I tried to adapt it so it featured the aj, who are magnificent beasts all in all, but I could not make myself to believe it. If we would place the story into a very distant past when even such a precious thing as the Bonding had not yet been introduced in the Shendar culture, it would really help me out. But one question: Is that okay with you? It is your culture, so you don't think I demean it in any way? Cause if you do, i'll just work until you are satisfied, there is no hurry with this entry, I try never to be hurried, so if you feel that it would be mindbogling to go thát far into the past, that's okay by me. Just let me know where we stand on this number1
« Last Edit: 01 August 2006, 18:59:48 by ishmaelion » Logged

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« Reply #11 on: 02 August 2006, 00:55:04 »

Well, I proposed it didn't I? :)
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« Reply #12 on: 02 August 2006, 17:46:48 »

hahahaha grin

It really took me a minute or so to get back on my chair again :P

I'll edit the bugger accordingly ;)
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« Reply #13 on: 04 August 2006, 04:24:15 »

How's status here, Ishmaelion? Update is Sunday evening, so I could use a final edit if you have time.
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« Reply #14 on: 04 August 2006, 17:39:33 »

I editted the piece, I think it should be allright now, would apreciate it if someone could look at the spelling, I was not sure on my sentence structure shocked
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