* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Pages: 1 2 [3]
Print
Author Topic: Moss Lizard  (Read 8794 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
colossuem
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 137


View Profile
« Reply #30 on: 01 April 2007, 01:59:46 »

Ok Ive revised the territory but thats all Ill try to work on your corrections Drasil ok grin
« Last Edit: 01 April 2007, 02:10:22 by colossuem » Logged

Lord of the Rings Quote-"All that is gold does not glitter,not all who wander are lost,the old that is strong does not wither,deep roots are not reached by frost,from the ashes of fire shall be woken,a light from the shadows shall spring,the crownless again shall be king"
Drúadan
Aspiring Member
**

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 487


Yeah...No


View Profile
« Reply #31 on: 11 April 2007, 10:52:21 »

This looks like A really neat creature with a most interesting use. I think the creature itself on the descriptions given are very good and cross-refrenced well with other entries, though I will concur and say they could be slightly more descriptive.

Overall I think it is a good second entry, I can only find one little thing. You mention that it has reflexes to escape the Nys, but you state in the usages that the Nys have developed traps to catch them. You might want to talk about what the traps are, but aside from that, woudn't the traps make the first comment null? If the Nys create traps that, I assume would involve some sort of netting because it is a fishing town, the boxed in Lizard would have little use for those reflexes right?

Like I said, just I little thing that was festering with me, overall a good start of an entry, keep going! thumbup :)
I changed it, sorry
« Last Edit: 12 April 2007, 08:29:38 by Drúadan » Logged

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.


-Bob Dylan "Mr. Tambourine Man"
colossuem
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 137


View Profile
« Reply #32 on: 12 April 2007, 07:45:53 »

I think i can get that fixed by saying the Nys sometimes catch them although its somewhat rare, that would also explain why the Moss Lizard Gloves are expensive.

« Last Edit: 13 April 2007, 20:54:30 by colossuem » Logged

Lord of the Rings Quote-"All that is gold does not glitter,not all who wander are lost,the old that is strong does not wither,deep roots are not reached by frost,from the ashes of fire shall be woken,a light from the shadows shall spring,the crownless again shall be king"
colossuem
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 137


View Profile
« Reply #33 on: 13 April 2007, 20:59:31 »

Ok, fixed it now ready for comments.
Logged

Lord of the Rings Quote-"All that is gold does not glitter,not all who wander are lost,the old that is strong does not wither,deep roots are not reached by frost,from the ashes of fire shall be woken,a light from the shadows shall spring,the crownless again shall be king"
Mirmec Rethindor
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 196



View Profile
« Reply #34 on: 14 April 2007, 05:32:13 »

Well it reads okay once you realize you are writing in first person. I think though that you should try to write the first three paragraphs not in first person and see how it looks to you because when writing in first person, we have to wonder who the person is, and what their opinions are. You draw attention to that by writing:

"Their scaly skin shimmers in such an intense Uderza blue that observers get watery eyes along with headaches when contemplating the reptile's beauty. "

So i think if you are going to stay in first person you would have to say because your eyes get watery and have headaches, otherwise it just comes across as a personal opinion.

As you go along you slip more back into the regular omniscient view.

Still it is obvious you have spent time around the pond and water bugs, so you know your stuff.

Anyway keep up the good work, i can see the imagery of what you are describing very well, though i wondered a few things like what color was its eyes, how long was its tail. These sorts of things a person writing in first person wouldnt know cause the creature is moving so fast, but to an objective observer, you would know. So you just have to decide which approach you want to use and stick with it through the whole piece.

One little thing is you say the tail is used like a rudder in the water, but you also say the back feet are used as a rudder in the water. So maybe if you just leave the tail for propulsion from the S movement, then use the feet for the rudder that may be better? But that is why i was wondering how long the tail was in proportion to the rest of the body.

Oh and watch your capital letters on names of places like Sarvonia. Still it is obvious you have put alot of hard work into this piece, so you have accomplished much.
Logged

~~Voice of music's heart wrung from the wood.~~
Miraran Tehuriden
Santh. Member
***

Gained Aura: 61
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 3.999


Creator Of .. well, not much, recently


View Profile Homepage
« Reply #35 on: 27 April 2007, 06:12:58 »

Colossuem, are you going to continue working on this? It would be a shame to let all this work go to waste right?
Logged

Avrah Kehabhra

"The whole POINT of Nybelmar is that no one has any idea whats going on, overly long entries keep it that way." - Decipher Ziron
colossuem
Newbie
*

Gained Aura: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 137


View Profile
« Reply #36 on: 28 April 2007, 10:59:42 »

Yes I am just having trouble finding time to do it.   buck
Logged

Lord of the Rings Quote-"All that is gold does not glitter,not all who wander are lost,the old that is strong does not wither,deep roots are not reached by frost,from the ashes of fire shall be woken,a light from the shadows shall spring,the crownless again shall be king"
Pages: 1 2 [3]
Print
Jump to:  

Recent
[27 March 2019, 00:01:57]

[21 June 2018, 14:28:00]

[31 May 2017, 06:35:55]

[06 May 2017, 05:27:04]

[03 April 2017, 01:15:03]

[26 March 2017, 12:48:25]

[15 March 2017, 02:23:07]

[15 March 2017, 02:20:28]

[15 March 2017, 02:17:52]

[14 March 2017, 20:23:43]

[06 February 2017, 04:53:35]

[31 January 2017, 08:45:52]

[15 December 2016, 15:50:49]

[26 November 2016, 23:16:38]

[27 October 2016, 07:42:01]

[27 September 2016, 18:51:05]

[11 September 2016, 23:17:33]

[11 September 2016, 23:15:27]

[11 September 2016, 22:58:56]

[03 September 2016, 22:22:23]
Members
Total Members: 1019
Latest: lolanixon
Stats
Total Posts: 144586
Total Topics: 11052
Online Today: 30
Online Ever: 700
(23 January 2020, 20:05:39)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 22
Total: 22

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx