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Author Topic: Marching song (NEW)  (Read 8028 times)
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Miraran Tehuriden
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« Reply #15 on: 13 October 2006, 22:27:08 »

easy... Judith said it contaned the 'ch' sound.. so i popped up a google screen, and fed it asian-sounding words from the ThergerimTaal dictionary with 'ch' in them untill happening upon chingu. Chingu got all sorts of results related to korea where the word could be replaced with 'friend', so i knew i had found a word that as both written the same way, as having the same meaning in both languages:)
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Avrah Kehabhra

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Bard Judith
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« Reply #16 on: 14 October 2006, 02:43:56 »

Easy, hmph!  Sounds like Mira did the work to earn his picture.  An Oloy will be on the sketchboard after I get back from my weekend at my mother's place (my stepdad's 70th birthday celebration)!   XXOO to all,

Judith
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #17 on: 14 October 2006, 07:16:18 »

Arceon, I told you already nobody marches through the Rahaz-Dath and back again, it is too deadly. Who should sing this? Just because Thalambath rhymes with Rahaz-Dath there is no way to accomplish this.

And there is a modify button if you want  to add something to your last post and no one else has answered meanwhile. :)
« Last Edit: 14 October 2006, 07:18:00 by Talia Sturmwind » Logged

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Arceon Barrurbeleth
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« Reply #18 on: 15 October 2006, 05:29:18 »

We walk, we walk
we walk, we walk again.
To distant lands
thru Narfost plain
we walk to the south again.

We march, we march
we march, we march again.
To Thalambath
thru Burning Sea
into the land of sand again.
                                                                                         
Rare traders from central Sarvonia sing this song on their way to Aeruillin.
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Arceon Barrurbeleth
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« Reply #19 on: 15 October 2006, 05:32:30 »

Hope the song is now better.  :)

I tried to just use the MODIFY button, but when I use it my tread doesn't 
appear on the RECENT list.

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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #20 on: 15 October 2006, 05:48:51 »

Its not supposed to.  You post another afterwards saying you have made corrections.
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #21 on: 15 October 2006, 06:38:07 »


We walk, we walk
we walk, we walk again.
To distant lands
thru Narfost plain
we walk to the south again.

We march, we march
we march, we march again.
To Thalambath
thru Burning Sea
into the land of sand again.
                                                                                         
Rare traders from central Sarvonia sing this song on their way to Aeruillin.

Arceon, i really see, that you are working hard here, and it is not generally bad, your poem. But it has to make sense and to fit into the santharian geography.

We walk, we walk
we walk, we walk again.
To distant lands
thru Narfost plain
we walk to the south again.

You don‘t walk to distant lands, if you cross the Narfost.  Coming from Dasai you will be stuck in Bardavos and have to go back to Varcopas, so, why not go to Varcopas in the first place? No trader from central sarvonia would take this path to Aeruillin.

We march, we march
we march, we march again.
To Thalambath
thru Burning Sea
into the land of sand again.

There is not much walking to Thalambath, it is a seaport with not too much land around where traders would want to march, apart that I think the word „march“ doesn‘t fit well to the traders. (It might have fit to the dwarves).
Then, you don‘t march while sailing on a sea, so this doesn‘t make much sense either.

We sail, we sail
we sail, we sail again
from Thalambath
thru ..


would fit more.

However: thru Burning Sea is grammatically wrong, even if it is a poem.

sorry, but if you look around a bit more, you might find the right geography for it.

And a last hint: It is a bit short, such songs have most often many more stances.

 



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Gean Firefeet
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« Reply #22 on: 18 January 2007, 06:23:26 »

Hi Arceon,

I was browsing through and found this small gem in the recesses of the Library forum. I think it has great potential, that's why I messaged you! Maybe I can compose music to it at some point, but I think we first have to add a few more verses, I agree with Talia here. Let's see what we have so far...

We walk, we walk
we walk, we walk again.
To distant lands
thru Narfost plain
we walk to the south again.

I think that'll do! Sounds like a good verse. I was imagining that you might try and use a lot Santharian geography in it. Then the above verse would be somewhere to the end, with the following as last one.

We march, we march
we march, we march again.
To Thalambath
thru Burning Sea
into the land of sand again.

I think we can follow Talia's suggestion here! So change it to "We sail" and then I suggest not "thru" but "o'er" (a short form of over), which leads to appropiate entries.

What I think we can do next is add more Santharian topography and geography to it. For example, we can use the Tandala Highlands, the Fores, the Steppe of Kruswik, Tolonian Heath and then add appropiate lands or cities that are nearby to the last line of the verse. Verbs to use in the first two lines could be walk, cross, march, step, move, sail, ride, go etc. I hope this gives you enough suggestions to get at least three more verses... I could of course do them myself, but I think their your creation, so that you can continue on it! If you need help, I'm but a PM or bellring away.
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Gean Firefeet
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« Reply #23 on: 22 January 2007, 00:09:04 »

Hi Arceon! Great to see you're working on it again. I'll try to give some advice to give the verses more 'fluency'. You're currently forgetting about metre! If you look to your first verses, I write the number of syllables behind each line.

We walk, we walk (4)
we walk, we walk again. (6)
To distant lands (4)
through Narfost plain (4)
we walk to the south again. (7)

We sail, we sail (4)
we sail, we sail again. (6)
From Thalambath (4)
o'er Burning Sea (4)
into the land of sand again. (8)

You see that the only problem is the last line of the first verse: it doesn't have an even number of syllables like all the other lines. This could be easily solved by changing 'to' into 'towards' for example.

Now we're going to look to your new verses:

We ride, we ride (4)
we ride, we ride again. (6)
O'er mountain of trolls, (5)
many roads, (3)
we ride pass the Lower Fores. (7)

We cross, we cross (4)
we cross, we cross again (6)
to the south (3)
our path, we willl follow (6)
crossing through King's Hollow. (6)

Do you see the problem? I have some suggestions in mind, but I'm first going to let you puzzle on it. Try to find/chang/add different words to make it work with the same metre as the other two verses. You could use rhyme of course, but you haven't done so in the second verse you created earlier, so maybe you shouldn't stick too much to it. This would also solve your Santhala/capital problem.

If you want everything to rhyme, you have to redo one of your earlier verses as well and I'll think of something with New Santhala. It's up to you of course! I hope this helps, if you can't work out the metre, I'll hand you some suggestions. Good luck!
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"Blessed is the man who calls an aj his friend."
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"If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it..."
- Shakespeare's Twelfth Night
Gean Firefeet
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« Reply #24 on: 05 February 2007, 23:51:58 »

Hey Arceon! We're getting there I think :-) Thanks for persisting in the hard work. We're now stumbling upon a different problem: because we've got so few syllables in each line, it's hard to make out what you mean, so I'm going to suggest the following: add one syllable to each third and fourth line. I'm going to use your older versions plus some additions of my own. See what you think of this! Then we can continue on some additional verses with... New Santhala, right?


We ride, we ride
we ride, we ride again.
o'er mountains of trolls...
there go many roads...
we ride passing the Lower Fores.

We cross, we cross
we cross, we cross again
to the shining south
the path we'll follow
we cross through King's Hollow again.


We walk, we walk
we walk, we walk again.
To far, distant lands
through wide Narfost plain
we walk towards the south again.

We sail, we sail
we sail, we sail again.
From black Thalambath
over Burning Sea
into the land of sand again.
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"If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it..."
- Shakespeare's Twelfth Night
Arceon Barrurbeleth
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« Reply #25 on: 07 February 2007, 20:08:48 »

Yes...... We are getting there! Thanks Gean!
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Gean Firefeet
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« Reply #26 on: 07 February 2007, 20:42:00 »

I hope you're as patient as I am :D If you're not, please hollar, for I don't want you to become frustrated! We all do this for our own enjoyment, right? ;)
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"Blessed is the man who calls an aj his friend."
- Shendar Proverb
"If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it..."
- Shakespeare's Twelfth Night
Arceon Barrurbeleth
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« Reply #27 on: 07 February 2007, 20:43:08 »

Don't worry, I am a very patient person!
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Arceon Barrurbeleth
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« Reply #28 on: 27 July 2007, 05:13:09 »

Couple of new verses added! What do you think now Gean?
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Gean Firefeet
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« Reply #29 on: 29 July 2007, 15:33:05 »

Hey Arceon,

it looks fine, I've got some trouble with one final line:
"we cross through the King's Hollow."
This one has too few syllables, I think it should be "we're crossing" instead.

The new verses are ok, so we're having a nice song here. I still have to think about that verse with New Santhala, and a nice introduction should accompany the whole song. Who sings/sung it, why and when, that sort of thing. Then... it's finished :D
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"Blessed is the man who calls an aj his friend."
- Shendar Proverb
"If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it..."
- Shakespeare's Twelfth Night
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