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Niccoli
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« Reply #15 on: 29 November 2006, 06:09:19 »

May as well. I don't seem to be getting anywhere with suggestions that I make.
« Last Edit: 30 November 2006, 05:12:22 by Niccoli » Logged

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« Reply #16 on: 05 December 2006, 05:10:58 »

alright, so now as the framework is acceptable or so I believe, some suggestions while I work on the history would be most appreciated!
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« Reply #17 on: 05 December 2006, 14:40:46 »

This reads as a good entry. The coat of arms is very clever and it immediately gives you an idea about the place. You say there is very little resources, but you might want to consider the Evergreen trees may be made of wood that is good for shipbuilding, hence why it is a good port. Pirates go there to rebuild their ships or repair them?
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« Reply #18 on: 05 December 2006, 20:41:12 »

Oh, right
carry over from v. 0.1 of the entry. which means that this is version 0.9
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« Reply #19 on: 12 December 2006, 06:02:23 »

Officially now version 1.0 going to make mention of proximity to deep gorge mine somewhere again. As i recall a second mine is there too, maybe the primary trade is done in raw minerals and metals.
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« Reply #20 on: 13 December 2006, 07:00:06 »

Yeah, this one is on my list to check. Hopefully will get to it tomorrow.
« Last Edit: 13 December 2006, 07:37:58 by Artimidor Federkiel » Logged



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« Reply #21 on: 13 December 2006, 07:07:17 »

Great! Thank you art!
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« Reply #22 on: 14 December 2006, 06:11:34 »

Ok, let's do an Uri-check on this one:

Legend:
yellow ... corrections
orange ... comments
grey ... unclear passages

Introduction/Overview.
A pirate’s town on the shores of Manthria, tending towards corruption and general lawlessness, Sunth is one of the great cesspools of the continent.
(Overview is a bit too short, but the Overview should tell you practically everything of importance in condensed from. For example you cannot assume that the reader knows that Manthria lies in Santharia and is a province of that kingdom. Also the approximate amount of inhabitants should be mentioned here.)

Description.
Sunth is a somewhat lawless town on the north side of a small inlet in the north east area of Manthria (well, "east" would suffice I'd say, it's not really very much "north"). The town itself is centered on the docks section of the town. (Erm... that could be expressed a bit better, because it looks as if the town is part of the town somehow... nerd) Warehouses and taverns make up the core area of the towns, most of which are filled with drunken sailors, sly con men, or some manner of drunken or hung over rabble. (Well, I guess you have a good opportunity here to describe a not so nice small sailors town here, which mostly harbours scum and all kinds of scallywags, and that definitely calls for a few more atmospheric descriptions. - How about giving some more examples? How about placing beggars here as well (organizing themselves perhaps where to head to earn money with their begging), people looking for not so honest jobs, Black Butterfly rovers (gypsies) stopping by heare regularly, you could mention some "unfortunate" events that transpired here, happenings in dark alleys etc. - However, despite all the evil things here, there still exists trade - mention key trade houses here!)

The exterior area around the town consists of a rather barren landscape of rock, scrub grasses and the occasional hardy bush growing out of the rock. The soil is very poor, and there is no place for agriculture of any kind, beyond the small gardens that some of the innkeepers have in their back yards. There is one exception to this rules (... and that would be? Sentence breaks of here.)

Most of the buildings are constructions of quarried limestone and timber brought in from the surrounding area The odd pinewood building exists on the outskirts of the town, but for the most part, it becomes far too cold in winter for them to be of any use beyond storage.

While being a terrible cesspool of some of the vilest members of Santharian society, the town of Sunth does harbor a single temple to Grothar, the Weatherlord, and a shrine to Baveras, the Sea Goddess - both Gods are typically worshipped by the Avennorians, who see themselves as a folk of the sea. Some of the more religious sailors tend to pray at one or both of these before heading out to sea on a long voyage.

Location.
The town of Sunth lies on the eastern shores of the Adanian Sea in the province of Manthria, which is part of the the United Kingdom of Santharia. The town sits at the eastern extreme of the Propsper Mountain Range, and is characterized by its rocky soil. The town is located (gray = repetition!) to the east of Deepgorge Mine and 60 some odd stralls from the nearby town of Kneef. (Tell us in a few words about Deepgorge, Propsper or Kneef!)
 
People.
Sunth serves as a haven for those seeking to avoid the law, disappear for a while or just weasel their black hearts out. The town itself is populated by a motley collection of pirates, exiles and other such undesirables as one could imagine. It harbors all manner of shady dealings and underhanded deeds imaginable. The population of the town is estimated a hearty 600 souls, though due to the influx from sailors it can vary quite a bit.
(As mentioned already above in the Description, there's much more possible here to describe. The Description part could mention certain inns and other special locations, like a famous brothel e.g. Here, at the People section, you could elaborate the guys further that populate this town, maybe there's an especially influental guy here that controls most, like inn, brothel etc. and who is rumoured that he can provide a job for everyone through the right channels? Think about some sort of Mafiosi, who can hardly be touched, but everyone knows he has his hands in eveything.)

Coat of Arms.
The Sunthan coat of arms consists of a dark blue-green field with an emblazoned carrion bird at the top and the ribs of a wrecked ship at the bottom. (Explain a bit: What does it symbolize, who put it up and for what purpose? I could imagine that Sunth at some point decided to stay that way, and not to become a super prosperous town, but to prefer this dark side, and somehow make that official. Of course that would need to be rephrased better and written in a  more neutral way.)
 
Climate .
The area itself is quite barren, almost impossible to grow anything worth speaking of on its soil. During the winter months trade shuts down for the winter, though a few caravans will make the passage from further inland to deliver what supplies are needed. Spring brings heavy rainfall, and any buildings in low lying areas of the bay, such as the huts used by herb gatherers and one or two the hermits’ ramshackle constructions will be flooded at least a bit. During the summer trade is booming, and many people manage to go to or from the area to trade goods.

Flora
Evergreen trees tend to grow particularly well in the soil, when it is deep enough, due to their shallow roots and general overall hardiness. The tree's themselves are some of the few resources in the area. (Check the region a bit to see what kind of trees grow there, look at entries of villages close by. Mention some names!)

Fauna.
Bonehead fish, Flyer Crab, Banded Ricau, Flying Fishermen (build a sentence here!). There are also occasionally taenish in the community though they rarely last the winter and the dead birds are consumed after they are dead. (somewhat redundantly formulated, neh?)

Resources.
There is very little in the way of resources in the area. There are several veins of clay to be exploited in the immediate surrounding and the opposite coast of the inlet boasts several different ores, among them, nickel and copper. The fishing in the area is fair enough and many subsist on a diet of fish and what dried fruit they can save from the summer months during the winter. The few stands of pine and other evergreens as can grow in the area are the only other exploitable resource in the area, Deepgorge having been mined out and generally being regarded as a worse place than the lowest back alley of the town itself.
(At the Deepgorge entry we read. "Formerly a place where mainly fyrite was mined in the deepest levels, mining activity was abandoned several centuries ago..." You could mention that and perhaps - see History proposals - make it a reason why the city had a certain downfall, because industry was moving away.)

History.
The official history is sketchy due to the lack of public records kept before ____ (insert year here). After this the records are still something in the way of scant due to poor records keeping and the removal of certain records involving members of the town’s population who would rather not be mentioned.

First Mention of the town in records: “A small, hearty fishing community on the eastern shores of the province.”

(Well, we have a lot of such villages already. How about making it the other way round: Making Sunth a more prominent town of the past, but that it deteriorated quite a bit due to the fact that more and more criminals took over there? The records about its past could stiill be not very precise.)

Myth/Lore.
(I've moved the Mythology section down here, because here it fits better, and renamed it to Myth/Lore - fits better here methinks. Mythology would be more stuff dealing with gods, legends and such, not stories, lore.)
The local tavern tales say that none other than pirates from the crew of Jonathan Sygar founded Sunth. The men of the crew used the isle as a refuge during the manhunts that constantly pursued Sygar, or during the winter months when sea travel in the waters surrounding the province became unfeasible. After plying the waters and the ships of unfortunate merchants for twenty some odd years, Sygar grounded one of his ships the Sunth his ship in waters off shores the ramshackle community that had been erected and set to work building the town into the center it is today. There is a small memorial to Sygar in the northwest corner of the town, on a small bluff over looking the town.
(Nice tale. Maybe some hints at other pirate stories?)

Despite the fact that I've lots of orange comments here, Niccoli, it is already a nice entry, which just needs a good deal of more flesh on the bones! Just stick with it and add more as suggested, and we'll have a brilliant example of a town, that is a bit out of the ordinary... ;)
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« Reply #23 on: 14 December 2006, 20:48:27 »

Thanks art. Begining edits... what! NOOOOO! my computer! IT CRASHEDED!  buck  grin
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« Reply #24 on: 15 December 2006, 10:20:40 »

Introduction/Overview
A pirate’s town on the shores of Manthria, tending towards corruption and general lawlessness, Sunth is one of the great cesspools of the continent.

Sentance structure here seems a tad off. Mabye "One of the greatest cesspools on the continent, Sunth is a corrupted and lawless town on the shores of Manthria. It has a notorious reputation as a pirate town"

Description
Sunth is a somewhat lawless town on the north side of a small inlet in the north east area of Manthria. The town itself is centered on the docks try district instead of section section of the town. Warehouses and taverns make up the core area of the towns no s, most of which are filled with drunken sailors, sly con men, or some manner of drunken or hung i believe theres a hyphen here. I think. over rabble.
The exterior area around the town consists of a rather barren landscape of rock, scrub grasses and the occasional hardy bush growing out of the rock. The soil is very poor, and there is no place for agriculture of any kind, beyond the small gardens that some of the innkeepers have in their back yards. There is one exception to this rules no s, need punctuation.
Most of the buildings are constructions constructed would work better here of quarried limestone and timber brought in from the surrounding area The odd pinewood building exists on the outskirts of the town, but for the most part, it they instead of it? becomes far too cold in winter for them to be of any use beyond storage.
While being a terrible cesspool of some of the vilest members of Santharian society, the town of Sunth does harbor a single temple to Grothar, and a shrine to Baravas. Some of the more religious sailors tend to pray at one or both of these before heading out to sea on a long voyage.


Location
While being a terrible cesspool of some of the vilest members of Santharian society, the town of Sunth does harbor a single temple to Grothar, the Weatherlord, and a shrine to Baveras, the Sea Goddess - both Gods are typically worshipped by the Avennorians, who see themselves as a folk of the sea. Some of the more religious sailors tend to pray at one or both of these before heading out to sea on a long voyage.
Dont repeat the same sentance, change things up a little between paragraphs
Location. Delete this word?
The town of Sunth lies on the eastern shores of the Adanian Sea in the province of Manthria, which is part of the the United Kingdom of Santharia. The town sits at the eastern extreme of the Propsper Mountain Range, and is characterized by its rocky soil. To the east lies Deepgorge Mine and 60 some odd stralls from the nearby town of Kneef.
 
People
Sunth serves as a haven for those seeking to avoid the law, disappear for a while or just weasel their black hearts out. The town itself is populated by a motley collection of pirates, exiles and other such undesirables  as one could imagine desnt really fit here as one could imagine. It harbors all manner of shady dealings and underhanded deeds imaginable take out imaaginable. The population of the town is estimated a hearty 600 souls, though due to the constant migration of instead of influx from? influx from sailors it can vary quite a bit.

Coat of Arms
The Sunthan coat of arms consists of a dark blue-green field with an emblazoned carrion bird at the top and the ribs of a wrecked ship at the bottom. Ah, the carrion bird. Most noble of all creatures. The nobles didnt like this place, huh? ;)
 
Climate
The area itself no itself is quite barren, almost impossible to grow anything worth speaking of on its soil. During the winter months trade shuts down for the winter, though a few caravans will make the passage from further inland to deliver what supplies are needed. Spring brings heavy rainfall, and any buildings in low lying areas of the bay, such as the huts used by herb gatherers and one or two the hermits’ ramshackle constructions will be flooded at least a bit. During the summer trade is booming trade booms, and many people manage to go to or from the area to trade goods.

Mythology
The local tavern tales say that none other than pirates from the crew of Jonathan Sygar founded Sunth. The men of the crew used the isle as a refuge during the manhunts that constantly pursued Sygar, or during the winter months when sea travel in the waters surrounding the province became unfeasible. After plying the waters and the ships of unfortunate merchants for twenty some odd years, Sygar grounded one of his ships the Sunth his ship in waters off shores the ramshackle community that had been erected and set to work building the town into the center it is today. There is a small memorial to Sygar in the northwest corner of the town, on a small bluff over looking the town.

 Flora
Evergreen trees tend to grow particularly well in the soil, when it is deep enough, due to their shallow roots and general general overall= about the same. Take one out. overall hardiness. The tree's no apostrohe themselves are some one? of the few resources in the area.

Fauna
Bonehead fish, Flyer Crab (I’ve checked all of the water creatures, not much that lives near the Adanian) Banded Ricau, Flying Fishermen. There are also occasionally taenish in the community though they rarely last the winter and the dead birds are consumed after they are dead. obviously a WIP, so Ill comment on this later.

Resources
There is very little in the way of resources in the area. There are several veins of clay to be exploited in the immedignore this commentiate surrounding and the opposite coast of the inlet boasts several different ores, among them, nickel and copper. The fishing in the area is fair enough and many subsist on a diet of fish and what dried fruit they can save from the summer months during the winter. The few stands of pine and other evergreens as can grow in the area are the only other exploitable resource in the area, Deepgorge having been mined out and generally being regarded as a worse place than the lowest back alley of the town itself.


History
The official history is sketchy due to the lack of public records kept before ____ (insert year here). After this the records are still something in the way of scant due to poor records keeping and the removal of certain records involving members of the town’s population who would rather not be mentioned.

First Mention of the town in records: “A small, hearty fishing community on the eastern shores of the province.”

[/quote]

Looks good, just fix a few things up. You may want to change the coat of arms a bit, unless you really like the one youve got. Im thinking a fish. Or a crab.
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« Reply #25 on: 23 December 2006, 10:52:26 »

edited, added some history. Also added explanation of coat of arms.
« Last Edit: 23 December 2006, 11:01:32 by Niccoli » Logged

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« Reply #26 on: 03 January 2007, 03:18:45 »

Well, I'd prefer if you finish your rework in all sections and then tell me that you're done, Niccoli, otherwise it remains patchwork and we'll never get it done. For example the Overview part hasn't been addressed at all, so I assume you only dealt with the sections you mentioned.

If you're done with the rework it makes sense for me to check it in detail again, and if it then looks already very good, it could either go up that way or go up with some additional work from my side (if it looks 90% ok) or I'd make further suggestions for another round. But I suggest to deal with all comments first before I'll take a closer look.
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« Reply #27 on: 03 January 2007, 06:20:15 »

I've finished all most all of the reworking Artimidor.
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« Reply #28 on: 03 January 2007, 16:22:49 »

Well, then please finish all, Niccoli, then I'll take another look.
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« Reply #29 on: 07 January 2007, 05:26:57 »

It is... COMPLETE!
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