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Author Topic: The Town of Mylthis - Masterwork  (Read 14774 times)
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #45 on: 10 February 2007, 22:00:11 »

Okey-Dokey....Comments intergrated...What about now?
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #46 on: 12 February 2007, 03:40:32 »

I see a number of grammatical problems - some of the new sentences are too long, constituting run-on sentences at times.

Also, what some sections of the White Mist passages are missing - eg. the part about their 'drowning' in the sea of men they wanted to teach

Please explain "It is speculated by some that the High Council use Mylthis as a way to control crime in Sihitara." more fully. See some of my suggestions from the last commentary - to someone who reads this paragraph without the benefit of the discussion will be left in the dark: How exactly can Mylthis be to control crime in another city? Right now that whole section is a non sequitur


Btw: the ideas seem suitable to me; it's just the way they have been worded or explained that is causing problems right now.

One conceptual question relates to the hummingbird projection of the glass tubes - it does sound a bit fantastical (although i guess the Krean would have eventually figured out the right arrangement to perform the projection, you need to remember that this also needs to function efficiently as a plumbing system... So water may not be able to flow (or the whole system might look awkward). My suggestion would be to keep the idea but add another compendiumist disclaimer stating that they had not confirmed the rumours yet (arrived at the wrong time of the year) etc



PS: Unfortunately no time for a detailed review this week. But I'll keep pointing out issues here and there when I find the time. Eventually I will complete another extensive uri-check. Hope that is alright with you?
« Last Edit: 12 February 2007, 03:49:43 by Coren FrozenZephyr » Logged

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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #47 on: 24 June 2007, 21:30:45 »

Uh...I since I have returned and am back in the developing spirit I was wonderering whether smoe progress could made with my masterwork...if there are any more important efforts that could prevent this (Coren's Zhunite based masterplan for example) I would be happy to assist with those and wait... grin
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #48 on: 24 June 2007, 21:37:14 »

I think I will have some time on my hands next week (fingers crossed). Once all the comments in the post(s) above have been addressed, IM me and I'll give you a uri! If there's anything else I can do please holler in my direction :)

The Zhunite Masterplan & the entries written for it are always looking forward to meeting new commentators & volunteers! :D

Btw, I will make a Krean Masterplan but not until some visible progress has been made with the Zhunite one :P

:: burrows a neuronic-whip from the Great Asimov ::
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"Is he allowed to do that?"
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"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #49 on: 24 June 2007, 21:42:27 »

Not ot sound too prentious....but I think waiting until ALOT of progress has been made on the Zhunite masterplan...you may be the king of juggling...but you seem to juggle for a long time before things get put down on paper  grin

HOWEVER- Krean masterplan does make me excited...So I will help in anyway I can with the Zhunite plan

Anything you would like to delegate/think I would be good at?

And on a seperate note....Have you decided whether the scarlet drake still exsists? Because only yesterday I had a burst of ideas about it...and realised that my previous attempt was futile compared to the potential of my new idea....[I seem to be juggling now...I'll the scarlet drake for a while....]
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #50 on: 24 June 2007, 21:54:22 »

I had some difficulty following that post Deci - the verbs seemed to be missing! Or did you leave out what you thought of waiting until a lot of progress has been made with the plan out of politeness? :P

I'll IM you soon about how you could contribute towards the greater good of the Zhunite Masterplan.

The Scarlet Drake does still exist. Feel free to type a draft of your ideas. My main problem with your last draft was that it seemed too humble, architecturally & in size, to the importance and scale those armouries should possess. If I ever go into the city these days, I will get my notes/(awful) sketches and send them to you - just for a feeling of what I roughly envisioned. As we have an unexpected "desert winds/weather" whatever they call it coming through northern Africa through the Mediterrenean & people are thus advised not to leave the seaside until Thursday (40-48C expected they say!) that may take some time...
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #51 on: 24 June 2007, 22:00:46 »

Let me rephrase then:

I am willing to ease the workload on the Zhunite masterplan...since this will free up time for you to comment on my Masterwork. I was asking for any entries that need doing that you think I would be good at or things that are rather menial that you would rather delegate then make huge entries of (*cough*Hummer*cough*).

My second point was exactly what you just said...why idea was too small...my new idea consists of auction rooms...vaults...extensive workshops...armies of accountants...a secret cellar...a lab where the posion is extracted from animals and plants... some criminal dealings out of sight...a secret passage way...a large drake statue carved from an amyethyst-like stone...Does this make you happier?
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #52 on: 24 June 2007, 22:06:57 »

Yes, I have a few Terran buildings (mostly Renaissance, but a few French gothic ones as well) to reference for you. I just need to get my hands on that book with the photos... Since I am absolutely horrible at drawing buildings, I think it would be quicker & more compherensible if I just pointed out the features I wanted on real life buildings, and let you put the collage together verbially.
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #53 on: 18 July 2007, 04:44:58 »

(I'm also including my response to your IM here - otherwise I will forget what I asked you to change :P)


Yes but logically you couldn't have made the necessary edits:

My suggestions date from the 11th of February whereas your most recent edit is marked as having been made on the 10th, a day before I  responded...

More specifically:

-"The commercial sector can be encountered in the southeast - how? I thought Mylthis was East of Sihitara? of the town (so that those leaving Sihitara that don’t know of its existence are sure to encounter it)."

- Okay, nitpicking (caught my eye): such as that of the Lukrinam snake, which is definetely an acquired taste

- Have you responded to this?
Quote
and the fact that Great Market has no structure. Though clusters of stalls may be found that sell similar items, the Market has no allocation for item type. It is not uncommon to walk past a stall selling exotic perfume, and the next stall to sell illegal goods (such as the Sihitaran glass throwing stars that supposedly haven’t been produced for years). Though amazing, the market is still a very dangerous place. Foreign criminals disguised as traders or costumers enter the market and mug, steal and in rare cases even kill others (nobody notices in the constant hustle and bustle) - why would the Krean (also the governess  watchment etc of the Sihitaran region) allow this? Maybe they need an 'out-flow' of criminals from their city to keep Sihitara's sparkling-clean appearance? So they have realized that even in the most orderly, civilised societies when there is a convergence of people (especially all those traders coming from abroad) some level of crime is inevitable. So they thought: Well if we MUST have it, let's not have it HERE. So they turn a somewhat blind eye towards these murkier deals in Mylthis and in return the criminals do not pursue their 'business' interests in Sihitara. Makes crime control a lot easier (again Lord Vetinari's 'annual thieving quotas' come to mind lol). It is all about appearance - keep Sihitara as safe, clean and gorgeous as possible to impress the foreign merchants. Lure the rich to the metropolis, give them a safe and beautiful environment to spend lots and lots of money, fund the metropolis...

Could elucidate a bit more here?

EDIT: Ok, this is what I saw when I said you have not integrated my comments in the IM: "Please explain "It is speculated by some that the High Council use Mylthis as a way to control crime in Sihitara." more fully. See some of my suggestions from the last commentary - to someone who reads this paragraph without the benefit of the discussion will be left in the dark: How exactly can Mylthis be to control crime in another city? Right now that whole section is a non sequitur".

The same issue again


- Did you take out the part abou the humminbird projection of the glass tubes? (btw whenever you take out or add in stuff, please make a short list of the additions somewhere. Otherwise it is hard to come back after several weeks and try to spot what was integrated and what was forgotten by comparing the latest version with each of the former urichecks (which is what I am doing atm ;P)

Alright then! I was in a nitpicking mood today so I only judged the entry against earlier commentary to see what was still missing. I promise to do a full uri-check.

I am sure I will have a lot of complementary things to say when I read the entry uninterrupted from beginning to end :D
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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #54 on: 19 July 2007, 01:47:39 »

Oh man....*feels really bad*

Okay...I know this seems a little ironic and careless but right now I havent got time to edit...but Summer Holidays start soon and I have one week before I go to Benajarafe so I'll get on it then okay? (This is next week BTW)

And Coren I think this Hummingbird projection idea is unlikely to work...perhaps I could make it very uncommon, only once every couple of centuries so its much more of a rumour than a fact?
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« Reply #55 on: 26 July 2007, 02:58:30 »

Edit-Wednesday 25th July

-Paragraph added on root of White Mist temple name

-Further Elaboration of crime control system

- Disclaimer of tube lightshow (also note I changed the time period from once a year to once every couple of decades....)
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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #56 on: 26 July 2007, 04:39:46 »

Ok, let's take a look as well as promised:

- This malise bird you are speaking of... is there an entry for it or do you plan one? Because I read a good deal about it hear, yet it doesn't exist, as the malise itself isn't really a bird.

- I notice there's still the name of that architecture school that needs to be filled in.

- Guess there's a "to" missing:

In some kind of strange coincidence it seems that the popularity of the animal chosen was synonymous to the skill of the architect.

- Here is should be: "Lie'sha came up with a quick solution"

- I might suggest - as we have done in other entries - to write captions above the various district/building paragraphs, so that they can be displayed with bullets in the enrty.

- Another small typo: "due to the theatre's circular walls "

- Location: Remember to mention where this peninsula of Shar actually is for people not so versed with Caelerethian geography, mention the continent and whether it lies east, west, south etc.

The entry of course is very well done, as we're used from you, Decipher, so no complaints from my side. The additions also add a good deal to the whole picture! If Coren, our Nybelmar expert, approve of this version (with the slight fixes I mentioned) there's should be much of a problem to be able to celebrate an official membership inauguaration party this Sunday :D - I guess you can already start working on your membership details and send them to me when you're ready!  thumbup
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #57 on: 26 July 2007, 22:14:41 »

Okay...thanks....will edit those in...

BTW: Art, Malise Bird is an alternate name for the Greater Hummingbird....that extensive bestiary debut Coren wrote remember?
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« Reply #58 on: 26 July 2007, 23:32:32 »

Ah yes, of course! That's why I couldn't find it on the site, because it still is on the Forum after so many months that I have forgotten about it already since I read it the last time - or parts of it, as I'd probably need a vacation to read all of it! Let's hope that entry will see the light of the site one day...  grin
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #59 on: 27 July 2007, 00:12:19 »

OH MAN!

I cannot wait for this to finally be approved!

I need membership bad!!!

*ponders about what his title should be....*
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