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Author Topic: árne'lón  (Read 12352 times)
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #15 on: 20 January 2007, 04:44:16 »

I've seen this around and only just realised it is a Santharianised 'Tonfa', here's a wikipedia link.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonfa
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« Reply #16 on: 20 January 2007, 06:32:27 »

yeh thats what i was going for and yeh if someone thats more experienced with creating weapon descriptions wants to give me a better idea from that link or something then go ahead but i might just use it to come up with my own cause i wont steal what you use but just maybe piggyback off it.
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Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #17 on: 20 January 2007, 06:43:36 »

So you would like an example weapon description?
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« Reply #18 on: 22 January 2007, 08:04:34 »

Ok I redid it almost completely. May I please have a comment or two on this new version.

(p.s. yes i know decipher i took alot from wikipedia but I changed it and made it more santharia like.)
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Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
Alysse the Likely
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« Reply #19 on: 22 January 2007, 13:28:59 »

Just a quick note here about the measurements--I know you were asked to be more exact, but this is TOO specific.  In RL, we don't say that something is, for example "two feet, four inches and one quarter inch" or "one metre, ten centimetres and three millimetres".   You could just say that its measurements range from just over a fore to a fore and a half, and that would probably be good enough.

I don't have time for a full edit, but thought I'd better give you a "heads-up" about that.  It looks  prettygood, you just need to fill it out a bit more.

Alysse the Likely
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Alysse the Likely
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« Reply #20 on: 23 January 2007, 07:06:10 »

ok well the measurements i went to the measure converter here and took all of the measurement on wikipedia and then just took everything it gave me but yeh i can make less specific i just put it all there just incase but ill take soe off of it. and thanks for taking time for a full check.
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Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
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« Reply #21 on: 25 January 2007, 06:50:18 »

ok ive changed and would like another check please if i may have one.
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Semenai de! Kesanai de! Makenai de!
Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #22 on: 28 January 2007, 00:17:13 »

Okay Clurion, this is how I would write the description:

The Fa-ton is a blunt weapon of relatively simple design. The main part of the Fa-ton is the central shaft, which is a wooden pole (which varies in colour depending on the wood used). The Central shaft is about <insert measurement> long, is cylindrical and when new smooth to the touch. The other part of the Fa-ton is another shorter wooden pole which is used a grip. This pole is found about an eighth of the way up the central shaft and is <insert measurement> long.

Some Fa-tons are known to be engraved with various special or superstitious symbols, and there are occasions when Fa-tons are made out of metal, though these are normally just ceremonial and are harder to wield efficiently. Some people also attempt to add enhancements to their Fa-tons by adding sharp extensions to it, though this is rare since there are many more efficient pointed weapons then the Fa-ton.
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« Reply #23 on: 28 January 2007, 01:14:33 »

ok i will change it when i get more time but im busy right now so i'll chage later today. thanks for the comment.
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Semenai de! Kesanai de! Makenai de!
Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
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« Reply #24 on: 31 January 2007, 11:03:05 »

Ok I finally changed can I get someone to look over.
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Semenai de! Kesanai de! Makenai de!
Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #25 on: 31 January 2007, 16:09:28 »

Will try to take a closer look this evening - was out of order yesterday with serious headaches, so let's hope for today :)
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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #26 on: 01 February 2007, 06:53:07 »

Ok, some comments:

- "Fa-ton" is a twisted word from the actual English name for it as has been pointed out, but we're making an elven weapon here, right? How about giving it a Styrásh name then? Take a look at the Styrásh dictionary - maybe you can combine a few existing words to get an interesting name out of it?

- Overview part is missing. Should be a section with one paragraph mentioning all the most important things of the whole entry in short form.

- The "min" part of the Fa-ton - what's a "min" part?  veryconfused

- Measurements are written in lowercase letters.

- "The other part, which is the handle" - you don't mention two parts in the beginning, so maybe state that upfront.

- "It is found about 1 Palmspan from one" - from one what?

- "they are made out of metal for ceremonials purposes" - Well, maybe specify tribe or festival here, try to make it part of the culture with cross-referencing the weapon a bit.

- Usage: "Soon it became widespread over the world, but then was forgotten and only used by guards and a few people here and there." (...and the whole History/Origin part) Well, that all sound way too simple if you ask me. First widespread, then just forgotten for no apparent reason etc. Try to provide some explanations! - I guess this weapon is a rather simple one, so it could have been in use since early on for melee fighting, as all you need is to combine wood, et voilà, you can use the forceof your arms already much better and hit someone over the head pretty hard! I assume when metals came into play regarding weapons and armour wooden weapons definitely lost their efficiency. Especially melee weapons which have no chance against a heavy sword! Elves of course, being forest people, surely trusted these weapons much more than heavy metals, and the weapon also doesn't look as offensive as a sword with a clearly visible blade. Seems it is more used for defending than to kill. So I'd try to elaborate a bit on that.

- Fighting Style is the part that is written best, unfortunately it is to a very great amount copied from the Wikipedia entry, which is not our intention. Entries written for the site should be as unique as possible, even though based on existing information you should try to make the entry your own and formulate things in an own way. Suggest to look on the web for further sources on that weapon to learn more about it, with one source alone you also often don't get the whole picture.

- History/Origin problems have already been mentioned above.
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« Reply #27 on: 01 February 2007, 08:15:13 »

Will change some of the other stuff later but changed some for now.
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Semenai de! Kesanai de! Makenai de!
Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
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« Reply #28 on: 03 February 2007, 04:21:50 »

Ok, changed name, so is this name better?
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Semenai de! Kesanai de! Makenai de!
Dare datte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono.
Ai dake! Yume dake! Kimi dake!
Sorre dake ha hanasanai donna toki demo.
Decipher Ziron
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« Reply #29 on: 03 February 2007, 04:24:44 »

The name seems too long....
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